Should I ask him out?
May 3, 2008 1:39 PM   Subscribe

QUICK! Should I ask this guy to a party tonight?

(LONG, BORING AND COMPLICATED) Background:

I met a friend of a friend at a bar two Fridays ago. He told my friend he thought I was hot and at the end of the night asked for my number after basically talking to be all night.

I didn't hear from him at all, so that Monday I texted him something light -- a reference to a conversation we were having. No response.

I figured that was that.

However, the next Friday I see him AGAIN. Again he talks to me all night and he swears up and down he replied to my text message. During this conversation, he finds out I run a local entertainment publication. He says, "Hey, you should put my band in this." So I (stupidly) get a staff writer to profile the band he's in for a regular column done on local musicians. During the week, he and I e-mail, slightly flirty, but then he didn't respond to an e-mail I sent. So I stopped e-mailing him.

Yesterday, the day the profile ran, he leaves me a voicemail. Says thanks you, jokes around, says "Have a good weekend if I don't see you."

Tonight, a friend is having a party. The mutual friend will be there. Should I text him and ask him to go?

OH AND...

I live with my ex-boyfriend, who is moving out in two weeks. Ex-boyfriend is out of town currently. We've been broken up since late January with ABSOLUTELY NO REGRETS or ROMANTIC RELAPSES at all. We have two bedrooms and opposite work schedules. I rarely see him anyway. I haven't dated at all since the breakup.

Should I ask the guy to the party? Should I hold off on dating until the ex is completely out of the picture? If this guy asked for my phone number, why hasn't he asked me out?
posted by als129 to Human Relations (42 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
I'd say go for it. You only live once, what have you got to lose? If he refuses the invitation with no promises of making up for it (say, by asking you to go somewhere else at a time he's available) then you know he's truly not interested.


Best case scenario, he realizes you dig him and his thoughts about you become more serious and you have yourself a dating partner.
posted by Defenestrator at 1:43 PM on May 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


Yes, ask him to the party.
posted by iamabot at 1:44 PM on May 3, 2008


What!? Of course! I would recommend you don't take him back to your place, though, until the ex moves out. It's much less complicated that way.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 1:44 PM on May 3, 2008


Go for it. Sounds like he may or may not be interested, or may have something else going on too, but it seems like there's no real downside.
posted by devilsbrigade at 1:46 PM on May 3, 2008


Of course you do. Why wouldn't you?
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 1:48 PM on May 3, 2008


Go for it, but I wouldn't get your hopes up. I have been in an almost identical situation with these kinds of signals (twice) and both times he wasn't interested. At all.
posted by meerkatty at 1:51 PM on May 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


sure, if all you're looking for is fun. the thing is, he didn't start responding to you until you proved professionally useful to him, so i would be leery of any deep personal connection here. however, it sounds like he'd be good for the occasional roll in the hay on a boring night.
posted by thinkingwoman at 1:58 PM on May 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


Sorry, but it sounds to me like he blew off your text message, then when he next saw you had the balls to ask you for free publicity for his band. "Hey, you should put my band in this" is making my absolute-total-dickhead sense tingle in a big way. That's a pretty lame thing to say to someone in the media under any circumstances. (Of course this all conjecture since I've never met the guy, but just going off the info I have.)

Ask him if you want to, but be aware of what you're most likely getting into.
posted by drjimmy11 at 2:01 PM on May 3, 2008 [11 favorites]


Yes, ask him. It's also only been about three weeks, so I'd also work on calming down. He could be distracted by other things in his life.
posted by msamye at 2:02 PM on May 3, 2008


No, he's a dick. And dishonest.
posted by sondrialiac at 2:10 PM on May 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


Sure, as long as you make a rule with yourself: No more write ups for this guy unless him or his band are really good.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:11 PM on May 3, 2008


seconding drjimmy11, and strongly contradicting just about everybody else..

He's blown your messages off multiple times and only asked you to help his band.. sounds like a selfish person and a sign of things to come... there's plenty of better guys out there.
posted by twiggy at 2:18 PM on May 3, 2008


ARGH!!!! How many times does he have to blow you off before you stop chasing him? Ask him to go with you if you want a temporarily exciting, and ultimately disappointing, extremely short, fling.

To me, that would be putting myself through a bit of an emotional wringer unnecessarily, but if you're COMPLETELY uninvested in him (which does not sound like the case) then, why not.
posted by Ashley801 at 2:27 PM on May 3, 2008 [2 favorites]


why not? sounds like you want to anyway
posted by Salvatorparadise at 2:28 PM on May 3, 2008


do it do it do it
posted by Pants! at 2:38 PM on May 3, 2008


He's blown you off at least twice. He's gotten one thing he wanted from you which was publicity for his band. From your description it does appear that you're chasing him, that he's sending you mixed signals at best and that your professional judgment was compromised by your attraction to him. Would you have done a profile on his band if you didn't have a thing for him? Probably not. I say, maintain your dignity and don't ask him. He knows where to find you. Let him come to you this time. But don't hold your breath.
posted by Kangaroo at 2:39 PM on May 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


Musicians are scumbags. Self-absorbed and charming by force of habit. If you're looking for a scumbag, invite away! You just ended (are in the process of ending) a relationship. don't expect much from him, and have a good talk/what-have-you, but be careful. I really cannot stress enough how shitty most self-described musicians are. That said, there are always exceptions. His dropping out of contact and pathological lying (how do you screw up REPLYING to a text?) don't paint a rosy scenario.

If anything, it could be interesting to see how he communicates after getting his free press.
good luck.
posted by Busithoth at 2:41 PM on May 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


Oh, and he asked for your phone number because he wants the option. That's my best guess. Sorry :( I think you should wait for someone who treats you with a bit more respect.
posted by Ashley801 at 2:46 PM on May 3, 2008


I would say yes, but then I never say no.
posted by dawson at 2:47 PM on May 3, 2008


Seriously, don't do it. I was actually in this exact same situation. Living with the ex bf and all, although I did not mention that to this guy.

I had always made a point of not being interested in musicians because I felt they were flaky. Great chemistry with musician boy, he took my info, a few half hearted emails, etc., then nothing. Repeat, just like your situation, great coffee date... he emailed me with all manner of grand plans, but nothing. Afterwards, I ended up asking him to go somewhere and was turned down.

Even now, when I'm out at a bar and he is there acquaintances who know nothing about it'll say "that guy over there is crazy about you, he keeps looking at you". It isn't a big deal if you ask him, but for me I would've rather kept all my cards to myself in this type of situation.
posted by Acer_saccharum at 2:53 PM on May 3, 2008


From a guys point of view, if he was really into you he would have called you first within the first two weeks.

And him being a musician isn't really a plus.

Tread with caution.
posted by cazoo at 3:01 PM on May 3, 2008


Say you ask him to the party and he does not respond. How will that make you feel?

You've already put yourself out there.

Go to the party and be fab and have fun without this guy. Maybe you'll meet someone else who is awesome. He sounds like a user to me. It doesn't sound to me like you enjoy being the pursuer, here, so why push it along? If he really likes you, he'll track you down.
posted by pazazygeek at 3:05 PM on May 3, 2008


QUICK!

YES!
posted by normy at 3:06 PM on May 3, 2008


Don't invite him. I'm with Kangaroo--maintain your dignity. If he wants you, it's his turn to make that clear.
posted by PatoPata at 3:23 PM on May 3, 2008


No. "Have a good weekend if I don't see you" is the opposite of "we ought to go out for a drink to celebrate." My guess is he's not interested.
posted by salvia at 3:31 PM on May 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


Yes, but don't trust him -- he does sound like the dick musician type. But, hey, if he's good in bed and you never loan him any money...
posted by paultopia at 3:42 PM on May 3, 2008


Yes, he could be a selfish whatever - or - he acts the way he does because he's insecure and unsure of himself with girls. Why not find out which?
posted by Gerard Sorme at 3:55 PM on May 3, 2008


Sorry, he's just not that into you.

Furthermore, boys don't play games with girls they actually like.
posted by danny the boy at 3:59 PM on May 3, 2008 [3 favorites]


What's in it for you at this point? You've made a lot of effort to communicate and he barely responds (and only when you gave him something). Ask him to the party if you want, hell, sleep with him, but promise askme that you won't actually date this luzer.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 4:00 PM on May 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


No, don't. He sounds pretty selfish. My last boyfriend communicated the same way with me during our entire relationship. It was frustrating; in the end I decided he wasn't worth my time. Don't put yourself through that.
posted by smich at 4:17 PM on May 3, 2008


Yes.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:29 PM on May 3, 2008


I guarantee you this guy is a huge asshole but you are probably going to ask him anyway and he'll blow you off and you'll still be attracted to him because you can't have him and it'll take you a year or so of being jerked around and used by him to come to your senses. Good luck.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 5:02 PM on May 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


No.
posted by bondcliff at 5:03 PM on May 3, 2008


Yes.
Text messages are, in fact, unreliable.
posted by tmcw at 5:07 PM on May 3, 2008


i am a musician and know lots of musicians that are not dicks, and are happily married

and never impulsively post on askmetafilter about how to learn an instrument

they just went and did it!

musicians are doers
posted by Salvatorparadise at 5:24 PM on May 3, 2008


No! "Have a good weekend if I don't see you" is the truth. You WILL have a good weekend if you don't see him. What's the flip side? Have a bad weekend if you see him. Believe it!
posted by chippie at 6:36 PM on May 3, 2008 [2 favorites]


After him blowing you off twice, the ball is in his court. He had a gift wrapped opportunity to ask you out and all he said was the "if I don't see you." That should be a SERIOUS flag. If it turns out he's into you, he'll call eventually.
posted by JakeLL at 10:59 PM on May 3, 2008 [1 favorite]


NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

He's a dickwad. And he's not worth thinking about. Move ON
posted by zia at 11:16 PM on May 3, 2008


Nthing the "he's just not that into you" responses.

Take it from someone who's already beaten her head against that particular wall more than once.
posted by chicainthecity at 12:54 AM on May 4, 2008 [1 favorite]


I amend my previous statement. My fault for skimming. He's a douche who used you to get his buddy's band into the paper. Don't bother.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 1:51 AM on May 4, 2008


Please update the thread. Tell us what happened!
posted by zia at 6:45 AM on May 4, 2008


Response by poster: UPDATE:

I did it. He came to the party. Was personable and really great with my friends. He said he had fun. We made out. Now I get to sit and wonder if I'll ever hear from him again. :)
posted by als129 at 8:26 AM on May 4, 2008 [1 favorite]


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