oh boy
May 2, 2008 3:48 PM Subscribe
Relationship filter...
Him (24) and I (25). We've gone on four dates which I have initiated, telling him "hey, we should get together again. let's go to so and so..." or "do you want to meet up..". He said yes to all, no hesitation. The last date we went back to his place for some needed fun (you know..sex). He called me the next day to see how I was doing and the day after that I asked him out again. He said yes. Woohoo! So here is the "not sure if its a problem" problem for me. He has not brought up and asked me anything personal in regards to my past relationships or if I'm want a relationship with him or what exactly am I looking for. This makes me think that he doesn't want any type of serious relationship with me or that he is too passive or scared to ask me seeing that I'm the one initiating the dates, and plus I haven't brought it up either because I am a bit scared myself and don't want to make things awkward for him and I. I like him a lot. So far, he is perfect. He's a complete gentlemen..intelligent, polite, and we have the same interests. I want to spend more time with him, more than once or twice a week. I don't want him to think I'm clingy or needy by telling him this. Please explain to me what's going on with this and what I should I say to him without it feeling like it might be too soon, even though it's not. I'm just really nervous NOW that I can't stop thinking about him.
Him (24) and I (25). We've gone on four dates which I have initiated, telling him "hey, we should get together again. let's go to so and so..." or "do you want to meet up..". He said yes to all, no hesitation. The last date we went back to his place for some needed fun (you know..sex). He called me the next day to see how I was doing and the day after that I asked him out again. He said yes. Woohoo! So here is the "not sure if its a problem" problem for me. He has not brought up and asked me anything personal in regards to my past relationships or if I'm want a relationship with him or what exactly am I looking for. This makes me think that he doesn't want any type of serious relationship with me or that he is too passive or scared to ask me seeing that I'm the one initiating the dates, and plus I haven't brought it up either because I am a bit scared myself and don't want to make things awkward for him and I. I like him a lot. So far, he is perfect. He's a complete gentlemen..intelligent, polite, and we have the same interests. I want to spend more time with him, more than once or twice a week. I don't want him to think I'm clingy or needy by telling him this. Please explain to me what's going on with this and what I should I say to him without it feeling like it might be too soon, even though it's not. I'm just really nervous NOW that I can't stop thinking about him.
Four dates? Even though everyone is different, I think it's safe to say that four dates is still too soon to have any sort of "relationship" talk. I think you're over thinking this too much, and I can relate to this because I tend to do the same thing sometimes. Just breathe in, and relax and either it's going to work out or it won't. And if it doesn't, another guy will come along at some point. I've been hanging out with a guy I like for about two months, but we haven't had "the talk" yet.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 4:00 PM on May 2, 2008 [2 favorites]
posted by MaryDellamorte at 4:00 PM on May 2, 2008 [2 favorites]
he is too passive or scared to ask me
Men ask for what they want. You will save yourself a lot of heartache if you remember just this one thing.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 4:04 PM on May 2, 2008 [6 favorites]
Men ask for what they want. You will save yourself a lot of heartache if you remember just this one thing.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 4:04 PM on May 2, 2008 [6 favorites]
Honesty.
Thats it. You like being with him? Tell him. You wanna spend more time with him? Tell him. Don't make it too clingy, dont spend 15 minutes explaining it, just tell him you like him and want to spend more time with him.
See what happens.
posted by chromatist at 4:39 PM on May 2, 2008
Thats it. You like being with him? Tell him. You wanna spend more time with him? Tell him. Don't make it too clingy, dont spend 15 minutes explaining it, just tell him you like him and want to spend more time with him.
See what happens.
posted by chromatist at 4:39 PM on May 2, 2008
There's nothing wrong with saying "hey, I'm really liking hanging out with you" and nice things like that. But there's a middle ground between that and screaming "OMG I wanna have your baybeeees!!!!!" while knitting a sweater for his mom, you know?
Mostly what you are describing sounds like the early-days jitters and nerves that probably everyone gets (I know I sure did). But I am a tiny bit concerned that all the momentum here seems to be coming from you, and not much (other than one phone call) from him. Is he just going along, or is he actually invested here?
Normally you'd be able to assess his interest by him having proposed a date, or in some other way put some risk and energy into the (budding) relationship. Without that, you are kind of flying blind here, and I think you will continue to do so until things even out a bit more. Regardless, none of us are in his head, and can't really resolve things via the internet, convenient as that would be.
posted by Forktine at 4:40 PM on May 2, 2008 [2 favorites]
Mostly what you are describing sounds like the early-days jitters and nerves that probably everyone gets (I know I sure did). But I am a tiny bit concerned that all the momentum here seems to be coming from you, and not much (other than one phone call) from him. Is he just going along, or is he actually invested here?
Normally you'd be able to assess his interest by him having proposed a date, or in some other way put some risk and energy into the (budding) relationship. Without that, you are kind of flying blind here, and I think you will continue to do so until things even out a bit more. Regardless, none of us are in his head, and can't really resolve things via the internet, convenient as that would be.
posted by Forktine at 4:40 PM on May 2, 2008 [2 favorites]
I'm just really nervous NOW that I can't stop thinking about him.
As with all relationships, ask for what you want or need. The other person can, of course, say no, but even that can answer the questions in your mind.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:45 PM on May 2, 2008
As with all relationships, ask for what you want or need. The other person can, of course, say no, but even that can answer the questions in your mind.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:45 PM on May 2, 2008
I was in this situation and I was so paranoid about not coming off as clingy or needy or whatever that I'm pretty sure I drove the guy away by being aloof, a little too distanced; in short, I never let him really know me. I was nervous--I didn't want to mess things up. I wish that I had just been open with him, realized things were normal and okay and that if things could progress they would as we got to know one another better, despite the uncertainty. Telling him you like him isn't clingy. The fact that he doesn't initiate would bother me a lot; he might initiate if you didn't do it first, but you don't want to sit around waiting for something that might not happen. Despite what some people might say, all men, like all people, do not always ask for what they want. This particular person might be shy, might be a procrastinator, who knows. Nobody, unless you ask him.
posted by Polychrome at 4:57 PM on May 2, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by Polychrome at 4:57 PM on May 2, 2008 [1 favorite]
He has not brought up and asked me anything personal in regards to my past relationships or if I'm want a relationship with him or what exactly am I looking for.
With regard to your history, it is against contemporary dating etiquette to ask about it. If you want to bring it up, the best way is to volunteer to tell him about your past without forcefully pushing for him to reveal his.
As for a commitment to the present and the future, chill out and enjoy the...er...um...ride. Even if you've had sex, the fact is you've only had four dates.
Men ask for what they want.
Generalizations like that will get you in trouble. We are all individuals.
posted by randomstriker at 5:03 PM on May 2, 2008 [1 favorite]
With regard to your history, it is against contemporary dating etiquette to ask about it. If you want to bring it up, the best way is to volunteer to tell him about your past without forcefully pushing for him to reveal his.
As for a commitment to the present and the future, chill out and enjoy the...er...um...ride. Even if you've had sex, the fact is you've only had four dates.
Men ask for what they want.
Generalizations like that will get you in trouble. We are all individuals.
posted by randomstriker at 5:03 PM on May 2, 2008 [1 favorite]
Men ask for what they want. You will save yourself a lot of heartache if you remember just this one thing.
And women are great cooks.
Which is to say that, I, as a man, object to this kind of stereotyping. Are we (as a gender) more aggressive? Maybe. But to pigeonhole this guy that you don't know as not interested simply because he's not asking is just plain wrong.
posted by SeizeTheDay at 5:03 PM on May 2, 2008 [6 favorites]
And women are great cooks.
Which is to say that, I, as a man, object to this kind of stereotyping. Are we (as a gender) more aggressive? Maybe. But to pigeonhole this guy that you don't know as not interested simply because he's not asking is just plain wrong.
posted by SeizeTheDay at 5:03 PM on May 2, 2008 [6 favorites]
I was all prepared for the flaming on my statement but this young woman is 24, has been on four dates with a guy and is already asking questions about their "relationship." It sounded to me like she needed some perspective and in my experience, if a guy wants to know more about you, wants to know about your dating history, wants to see you more often, he'll ask. Object all you want to, but I spent way too much time in my 20s and 30s worrying, wondering, analyzing every unspoken word instead of just believing that I was awesome enough that if a man were interested in me, he'd say so. YMMV but I doubt it.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 6:04 PM on May 2, 2008
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 6:04 PM on May 2, 2008
How I parse your question completely depends on your gender.
Just do some more "dates" and it will become clear very soon.
posted by mezamashii at 6:40 PM on May 2, 2008
Just do some more "dates" and it will become clear very soon.
posted by mezamashii at 6:40 PM on May 2, 2008
If it were me, I'd hang back until he asked me out. He needs to put a teensy bit of effort and vulnerability into this. You're in too deep to just be friends with benefits, so you need to see where he's at. The thing is, he may not have made up his mind after only four dates. Your absence from his life for a few days/weeks may help him make up his mind.
posted by desjardins at 6:48 PM on May 2, 2008 [3 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 6:48 PM on May 2, 2008 [3 favorites]
Do this, go on the next date then leave the ball in his court and have him make the next connection and/or date. That should give you a good idea. You've already, you know...sex, with him.
Speaking as a guy, I went through a long long period, definitely at your age, where I thought questions about past relationships were too private to ask about. I mean, general "how many boyfriends have you had? why'd you break up?" was OK and would tell me all I really wanted to know about their romantic past. This just allowed me to appreciate the women on my own terms and not to ever think about treading on past territory. Oh, another messed up criteria I'll add is that you can tell a significant bit about who a woman has been with (and probably men, too) by their oral sex technique. Just throwing that out there.
posted by rhizome at 7:03 PM on May 2, 2008
Speaking as a guy, I went through a long long period, definitely at your age, where I thought questions about past relationships were too private to ask about. I mean, general "how many boyfriends have you had? why'd you break up?" was OK and would tell me all I really wanted to know about their romantic past. This just allowed me to appreciate the women on my own terms and not to ever think about treading on past territory. Oh, another messed up criteria I'll add is that you can tell a significant bit about who a woman has been with (and probably men, too) by their oral sex technique. Just throwing that out there.
posted by rhizome at 7:03 PM on May 2, 2008
I am with notjustfoxybrown here, mostly.
Wait and see. In the meantime, please take a deep breath. It hasn't been that long. You don't really have a "relationship," at least not yet. Which is not to say that you won't, or will.
As a man, and this is just me, I have to say I was a little irked to read that you might consider him "too passive, or scared" to have started some sort of conversation about your future together or whatever. Maybe he is having a good time with you and just enjoying it? Without thinking about the future or past so much?
posted by lackutrol at 7:21 PM on May 2, 2008
Wait and see. In the meantime, please take a deep breath. It hasn't been that long. You don't really have a "relationship," at least not yet. Which is not to say that you won't, or will.
As a man, and this is just me, I have to say I was a little irked to read that you might consider him "too passive, or scared" to have started some sort of conversation about your future together or whatever. Maybe he is having a good time with you and just enjoying it? Without thinking about the future or past so much?
posted by lackutrol at 7:21 PM on May 2, 2008
Make him comfortable staying at your place during the day. He'll get used to it. If you just meet neutrally he will leave.
posted by markovich at 11:37 PM on May 2, 2008
posted by markovich at 11:37 PM on May 2, 2008
Make him comfortable staying at your place during the day. He'll get used to it. If you just meet neutrally he will leave.
What? We're talking about advice for relating to a human here. That sounds like advice for training a cat.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:57 AM on May 3, 2008
What? We're talking about advice for relating to a human here. That sounds like advice for training a cat.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:57 AM on May 3, 2008
He has not brought up and asked me anything personal in regards to my past relationships.
Why on earth should he?
I have never, not once, brought up personal questions about past relationships with anyone I've ever been with. None of my goddamn business. They'll bring it up if they want to, and if they don't... it's still noneofmygoddamnbusiness anyway.
posted by rokusan at 10:10 AM on May 3, 2008
Why on earth should he?
I have never, not once, brought up personal questions about past relationships with anyone I've ever been with. None of my goddamn business. They'll bring it up if they want to, and if they don't... it's still noneofmygoddamnbusiness anyway.
posted by rokusan at 10:10 AM on May 3, 2008
I have never, not once, brought up personal questions about past relationships with anyone I've ever been with. None of my goddamn business.
When I'm seeing someone I really like I want to know every damn thing about him. Yes, I'll volunteer information about myself and hope he reciprocates with similar kinds of information about himself, but I'll also just ask outright if I am curious. No points deducted if he doesn't want to discuss it, of course, but don't we all like the person we're seeing to be curious about us?
posted by caitlinb at 11:51 AM on May 3, 2008
When I'm seeing someone I really like I want to know every damn thing about him. Yes, I'll volunteer information about myself and hope he reciprocates with similar kinds of information about himself, but I'll also just ask outright if I am curious. No points deducted if he doesn't want to discuss it, of course, but don't we all like the person we're seeing to be curious about us?
posted by caitlinb at 11:51 AM on May 3, 2008
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by adamrice at 4:00 PM on May 2, 2008