Surprisingly short jokes.
April 17, 2008 8:28 AM Subscribe
I'm looking for jokes that sound like they are going to be very involved at the start but end up being very short.
Examples:
Set up: A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi walk into a bar.
Bartender: What is this? Some kind of joke?
Set up: A horse walks into a bar.
Bartender: Hey fella, why the long face?
For whatever reason I just love these things and would like to find others.
Examples:
Set up: A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi walk into a bar.
Bartender: What is this? Some kind of joke?
Set up: A horse walks into a bar.
Bartender: Hey fella, why the long face?
For whatever reason I just love these things and would like to find others.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and says "i'd like a beer."
The bartender says "we don't serve food here."
A giraffe walks into a bar and says "high balls are on me!"
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 8:34 AM on April 17, 2008 [5 favorites]
The bartender says "we don't serve food here."
A giraffe walks into a bar and says "high balls are on me!"
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 8:34 AM on April 17, 2008 [5 favorites]
I'm not promising this will be funny, but here's one I remember from about fifth grade:
A priest, rabbi and a minister walked into a bar. The nun ducked.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 8:35 AM on April 17, 2008 [2 favorites]
A priest, rabbi and a minister walked into a bar. The nun ducked.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 8:35 AM on April 17, 2008 [2 favorites]
You: Oh man, I just heard this really greatknock knock joke. Want to hear it?
Them: Sure.
You: You start.
Them: Ok.....knock knock.
You: Who's there?
Them: . . . 0_o
posted by iconomy at 8:39 AM on April 17, 2008 [17 favorites]
Them: Sure.
You: You start.
Them: Ok.....knock knock.
You: Who's there?
Them: . . . 0_o
posted by iconomy at 8:39 AM on April 17, 2008 [17 favorites]
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a beer and a mop!"
posted by Hlewagast at 8:45 AM on April 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by Hlewagast at 8:45 AM on April 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: <>
posted by horseblind at 8:45 AM on April 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
A: <>
posted by horseblind at 8:45 AM on April 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
damnit. The answer is [make gagging sound].
posted by horseblind at 8:46 AM on April 17, 2008
posted by horseblind at 8:46 AM on April 17, 2008
There once was a man from Peru,
Whose limericks ended at line two.
There once was a man from Cancun.
posted by Comrade_robot at 8:48 AM on April 17, 2008 [6 favorites]
Whose limericks ended at line two.
There once was a man from Cancun.
posted by Comrade_robot at 8:48 AM on April 17, 2008 [6 favorites]
You: Ask me if I'm a tree.
Them: Are you a tree?
You: No.
posted by AaRdVarK at 8:49 AM on April 17, 2008 [8 favorites]
Them: Are you a tree?
You: No.
posted by AaRdVarK at 8:49 AM on April 17, 2008 [8 favorites]
Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other: "How do you drive this thing?"
posted by Dizzy at 9:01 AM on April 17, 2008 [9 favorites]
One says to the other: "How do you drive this thing?"
posted by Dizzy at 9:01 AM on April 17, 2008 [9 favorites]
KNOCK KNOCK
who's there?
IMPATIENT COW
impat...
MOO
posted by mkb at 9:05 AM on April 17, 2008 [5 favorites]
who's there?
IMPATIENT COW
impat...
MOO
posted by mkb at 9:05 AM on April 17, 2008 [5 favorites]
A baby seal walks into a club....
posted by Floydd at 9:06 AM on April 17, 2008 [6 favorites]
posted by Floydd at 9:06 AM on April 17, 2008 [6 favorites]
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Fish.
posted by oddman at 9:13 AM on April 17, 2008 [3 favorites]
A: Fish.
posted by oddman at 9:13 AM on April 17, 2008 [3 favorites]
Q: Did you hear the one about the guy who walked into the bar?
A: It hurt.
Q: How many indie rock douchebags does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (derisively) You don't know?
Politically themed jokes:
Knock knock.
Who's there?
September 11.
September 11 who?
YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET!
Q: Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysee?
A: So the Germans could march in the shade.
posted by pdb at 9:13 AM on April 17, 2008 [18 favorites]
A: It hurt.
Q: How many indie rock douchebags does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (derisively) You don't know?
Politically themed jokes:
Knock knock.
Who's there?
September 11.
September 11 who?
YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET!
Q: Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysee?
A: So the Germans could march in the shade.
posted by pdb at 9:13 AM on April 17, 2008 [18 favorites]
A sandwich walks into a bar. Barman says "We dont serve food".
Guys walks into bar with some asphalt under his arm says "A beer and one for the road!"
posted by therubettes at 9:14 AM on April 17, 2008
Guys walks into bar with some asphalt under his arm says "A beer and one for the road!"
posted by therubettes at 9:14 AM on April 17, 2008
Did you ever hear the one about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?
posted by ocherdraco at 9:21 AM on April 17, 2008 [2 favorites]
posted by ocherdraco at 9:21 AM on April 17, 2008 [2 favorites]
Two cannibals eating a clown, one says to the other "does this taste funny? "
Two parrots sitting on a perch, one says to the other "Can you smell fish?"
posted by MarvinJ at 9:28 AM on April 17, 2008 [3 favorites]
Two parrots sitting on a perch, one says to the other "Can you smell fish?"
posted by MarvinJ at 9:28 AM on April 17, 2008 [3 favorites]
There once was a man from Peru,
Whose limericks ended at line two.
"Stopped" works better than "ended" here in terms of meter.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:36 AM on April 17, 2008 [2 favorites]
Whose limericks ended at line two.
"Stopped" works better than "ended" here in terms of meter.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:36 AM on April 17, 2008 [2 favorites]
Tom Swifties would qualify, I hasten to add.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 9:46 AM on April 17, 2008
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 9:46 AM on April 17, 2008
A Pirate walks into a bar with a large ship steering wheel attached to his crotch.
The bartender gives him a strange look, and asks "Did you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your crotch?"
The pirate responds "YARR!! It be drivin me nuts!"
posted by JonnyRotten at 9:49 AM on April 17, 2008 [6 favorites]
The bartender gives him a strange look, and asks "Did you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your crotch?"
The pirate responds "YARR!! It be drivin me nuts!"
posted by JonnyRotten at 9:49 AM on April 17, 2008 [6 favorites]
Q: How many indie rock douchebags does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (derisively) You don't know?
pdb, I'm offended by that joke...maybe that means I should know ;)
posted by mehum at 10:04 AM on April 17, 2008
A: (derisively) You don't know?
pdb, I'm offended by that joke...maybe that means I should know ;)
posted by mehum at 10:04 AM on April 17, 2008
"Ask me what the secret of comedy is."
"Okay, what's the--"
"TIMING!"
posted by Skot at 10:09 AM on April 17, 2008 [7 favorites]
"Okay, what's the--"
"TIMING!"
posted by Skot at 10:09 AM on April 17, 2008 [7 favorites]
Two cows are standing in a field. One cow says "say, are you worried about getting mad cow disease?" The other cow says "holy crap! A talking cow!"
posted by Diskeater at 10:13 AM on April 17, 2008 [3 favorites]
posted by Diskeater at 10:13 AM on April 17, 2008 [3 favorites]
I don't know if these are what you are looking for, but I like 'em.
Grasshopper walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you."
Grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Steve?"
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
posted by MegoSteve at 10:27 AM on April 17, 2008
Grasshopper walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you."
Grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Steve?"
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
posted by MegoSteve at 10:27 AM on April 17, 2008
Mitch Hedberg has some great ones.
As does Stephen Wright. The only one that comes to mind at the moment is "Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting."
posted by oaf at 10:31 AM on April 17, 2008
As does Stephen Wright. The only one that comes to mind at the moment is "Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting."
posted by oaf at 10:31 AM on April 17, 2008
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Control freak! Now you say 'Control freak who?'
posted by The GoBotSodomizer at 10:37 AM on April 17, 2008 [5 favorites]
Who's there?
Control freak! Now you say 'Control freak who?'
posted by The GoBotSodomizer at 10:37 AM on April 17, 2008 [5 favorites]
Two cows are standing in a field. One cow says "say, are you worried about getting mad cow disease?" The other cow says "holy crap! A talking cow!"
I prefer the version where the second cow says "Why should I be worried? I'm a helicopter!"
posted by Pater Aletheias at 10:48 AM on April 17, 2008 [2 favorites]
I prefer the version where the second cow says "Why should I be worried? I'm a helicopter!"
posted by Pater Aletheias at 10:48 AM on April 17, 2008 [2 favorites]
Two elephants and a cymbal fall off a cliff.
Ba dum, chssh.
posted by leakymem at 11:00 AM on April 17, 2008 [12 favorites]
Ba dum, chssh.
posted by leakymem at 11:00 AM on April 17, 2008 [12 favorites]
A duck walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist: "Gimme some Chapsitck; put it on my bill."
posted by Oriole Adams at 11:27 AM on April 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by Oriole Adams at 11:27 AM on April 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
Why do elephants wear green shoes?
(dunno.)
To hide on pool tables.
Why do elephants wear pink shoes?
(dunno.)
To hide in cherry trees.
Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
(no.)
Works pretty good, doesn't it?
PS For years "What's brown and sticky?" has been my acid test for measuring a new acquaintance's sense of humor. Some day I will find someone who dies laughing at that joke and I will then promptly MARRY THAT PERSON.
posted by ChasFile at 11:36 AM on April 17, 2008 [8 favorites]
(dunno.)
To hide on pool tables.
Why do elephants wear pink shoes?
(dunno.)
To hide in cherry trees.
Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
(no.)
Works pretty good, doesn't it?
PS For years "What's brown and sticky?" has been my acid test for measuring a new acquaintance's sense of humor. Some day I will find someone who dies laughing at that joke and I will then promptly MARRY THAT PERSON.
posted by ChasFile at 11:36 AM on April 17, 2008 [8 favorites]
From Monty Python:
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung.
posted by Nodecam at 11:49 AM on April 17, 2008 [4 favorites]
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung.
posted by Nodecam at 11:49 AM on April 17, 2008 [4 favorites]
Two peanuts are walking down a street. One is assaulted.
posted by lunchbox at 11:58 AM on April 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by lunchbox at 11:58 AM on April 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: These are great. I just love the stupidity of them. Sort of along the lines of why the Three Stooges are funny. Keep them coming.
posted by Carbolic at 12:07 PM on April 17, 2008
posted by Carbolic at 12:07 PM on April 17, 2008
Wanna hear a long joke followed by two short jokes?
Joooooooooooooooooooke, joke joke.
posted by reebear at 12:33 PM on April 17, 2008 [6 favorites]
Joooooooooooooooooooke, joke joke.
posted by reebear at 12:33 PM on April 17, 2008 [6 favorites]
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
Q: What's a foot long and slippery?
A: A slipper!
posted by inigo2 at 12:40 PM on April 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
A: A stick.
Q: What's a foot long and slippery?
A: A slipper!
posted by inigo2 at 12:40 PM on April 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
There once was a man from Cancun.
Cancun doesn't rhyme with one. I hope I'm not missing the joke...
posted by yath at 12:54 PM on April 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
Cancun doesn't rhyme with one. I hope I'm not missing the joke...
posted by yath at 12:54 PM on April 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
Q: What did the sadist say to the masochist?
A: "No."
posted by everichon at 12:59 PM on April 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
A: "No."
posted by everichon at 12:59 PM on April 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
There once was a man from Cancun.
"There once was a man from Verdun" works way better.
posted by Netzapper at 1:10 PM on April 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
"There once was a man from Verdun" works way better.
posted by Netzapper at 1:10 PM on April 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
Where do the Polish keep their armies?
In their sleevies.
posted by Dizzy at 1:12 PM on April 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
In their sleevies.
posted by Dizzy at 1:12 PM on April 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
Two potatoes are standing on a street corner. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?
She says, "Idaho."
posted by dreaming in stereo at 1:41 PM on April 17, 2008
She says, "Idaho."
posted by dreaming in stereo at 1:41 PM on April 17, 2008
Two cows are standing in a field.
One says, "Moo."
The other says, "I knew you were going to say that!"
posted by wallaby at 2:20 PM on April 17, 2008 [2 favorites]
One says, "Moo."
The other says, "I knew you were going to say that!"
posted by wallaby at 2:20 PM on April 17, 2008 [2 favorites]
How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler.
What do you call an exploding monkey? A ba-boom.
posted by Happy Dave at 2:25 PM on April 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
What do you call an exploding monkey? A ba-boom.
posted by Happy Dave at 2:25 PM on April 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
Cancer.
posted by CharlieChu at 4:09 PM on April 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
Cancer.
posted by CharlieChu at 4:09 PM on April 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
knock knock
who's there?
kungf.
(also works with "tof")
posted by Herman Hermanson at 4:32 PM on April 17, 2008
who's there?
kungf.
(also works with "tof")
posted by Herman Hermanson at 4:32 PM on April 17, 2008
Two potatoes are standing on a street corner. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?
She says, "Idaho."
That reminds me of a joke my brother got me with once:
Him: Boise is the capital of what state?
Me: Idaho.
Him: (slaps me across the face) I da pimp.
Choose your audience carefully with that one.
posted by christie at 8:23 PM on April 17, 2008 [6 favorites]
She says, "Idaho."
That reminds me of a joke my brother got me with once:
Him: Boise is the capital of what state?
Me: Idaho.
Him: (slaps me across the face) I da pimp.
Choose your audience carefully with that one.
posted by christie at 8:23 PM on April 17, 2008 [6 favorites]
I got this one from Lewis Black:
Two fish are in a tank, and one asks, "How do you drive this thing?"
The other says, "How the fuck should I know, I don't even have hands."
At the risk of mod rage, I recommend this documentary, which includes many of the jokes on this page, and lots more. (Full disclosure: I directed it.)
posted by turducken at 9:03 PM on April 17, 2008
Two fish are in a tank, and one asks, "How do you drive this thing?"
The other says, "How the fuck should I know, I don't even have hands."
At the risk of mod rage, I recommend this documentary, which includes many of the jokes on this page, and lots more. (Full disclosure: I directed it.)
posted by turducken at 9:03 PM on April 17, 2008
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam!
posted by pointilist at 9:59 PM on April 17, 2008
Dam!
posted by pointilist at 9:59 PM on April 17, 2008
Not many of these jokes "sound like they are going to be very involved at the start but end up being very short."
posted by pracowity at 11:44 PM on April 17, 2008 [2 favorites]
posted by pracowity at 11:44 PM on April 17, 2008 [2 favorites]
Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stamp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
---
What's green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.
---
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
---
Why did the girl fall out of the swing?
Because she didn't have any arms.
---
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, duh. Unique up on it.
posted by allkindsoftime at 12:38 AM on April 18, 2008
To stamp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
---
What's green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.
---
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
---
Why did the girl fall out of the swing?
Because she didn't have any arms.
---
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, duh. Unique up on it.
posted by allkindsoftime at 12:38 AM on April 18, 2008
Best answer: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the oven 'til it's bill withers
posted by MarvinJ at 12:42 AM on April 18, 2008 [14 favorites]
Put it in the oven 'til it's bill withers
posted by MarvinJ at 12:42 AM on April 18, 2008 [14 favorites]
Three guys walk into a bar. The fourth one ducked.
A vulture walks onto a plane with a dead armadillo. The flight attendant asks if she can help store his bag. He says "No thanks, its carrion."
posted by never used baby shoes at 9:17 AM on April 18, 2008
A vulture walks onto a plane with a dead armadillo. The flight attendant asks if she can help store his bag. He says "No thanks, its carrion."
posted by never used baby shoes at 9:17 AM on April 18, 2008
A man walks into a bra.
posted by SurrenderMonkey at 10:05 AM on April 18, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by SurrenderMonkey at 10:05 AM on April 18, 2008 [1 favorite]
Q: What do you call an armless man standing against a wall?
A: Art
Q: What do you call an armless man swimming?
A: Bob
Q: How do you get a one armed man out of a tree?
A: Wave
posted by benk at 8:20 PM on April 19, 2008
A: Art
Q: What do you call an armless man swimming?
A: Bob
Q: How do you get a one armed man out of a tree?
A: Wave
posted by benk at 8:20 PM on April 19, 2008
Is it just me, or do none of these jokes sound like they're going to be very involved, including the examples from the OP?
A woman comes home after a long day at work. She's flustered, because it's her husband's birthday, and she promised him she'd make his favorite cake. Unfortunately, things got a little hectic at the office, so she hasn't had time to go to the store to get the ingredients for the cake. She thinks she has enough ordinary baking stuff in the house to make do, but she's worried she hasn't had time to get the secret ingredient.
The secret ingredient was a family secret, handed down from her great-grandmother, to her grandmother, to her mother, to her. It was easily available at the store, but nobody - nobody - would ever think to use it in a cake. Everybody would notice something different when they tasted the cake, something extra-delicious, but nobody could pick what it was.
She decided to check the fridge to see if she had any of the secret ingredient left from last year's cake. Maybe she'd stashed it in the back, behind the jars of mystery pickles and cream cheese spread.
She opened the fridge door.
There was a rabbit lying sitting on the middle shelf.
"Hi!" said the rabbit.
"Erm, hi," said the lady. "What are you doing in my refrigerator?"
"This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" asked the rabbit.
"Yes, it is," said the lady.
"Well," said the rabbit, "I'm westing."
posted by obiwanwasabi at 4:56 AM on April 20, 2008 [10 favorites]
A woman comes home after a long day at work. She's flustered, because it's her husband's birthday, and she promised him she'd make his favorite cake. Unfortunately, things got a little hectic at the office, so she hasn't had time to go to the store to get the ingredients for the cake. She thinks she has enough ordinary baking stuff in the house to make do, but she's worried she hasn't had time to get the secret ingredient.
The secret ingredient was a family secret, handed down from her great-grandmother, to her grandmother, to her mother, to her. It was easily available at the store, but nobody - nobody - would ever think to use it in a cake. Everybody would notice something different when they tasted the cake, something extra-delicious, but nobody could pick what it was.
She decided to check the fridge to see if she had any of the secret ingredient left from last year's cake. Maybe she'd stashed it in the back, behind the jars of mystery pickles and cream cheese spread.
She opened the fridge door.
There was a rabbit lying sitting on the middle shelf.
"Hi!" said the rabbit.
"Erm, hi," said the lady. "What are you doing in my refrigerator?"
"This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" asked the rabbit.
"Yes, it is," said the lady.
"Well," said the rabbit, "I'm westing."
posted by obiwanwasabi at 4:56 AM on April 20, 2008 [10 favorites]
Watch this joke delivered by the great Dylan Moran.
posted by SurrenderMonkey at 9:10 AM on April 20, 2008 [3 favorites]
posted by SurrenderMonkey at 9:10 AM on April 20, 2008 [3 favorites]
Is it just me, or do none of these jokes sound like they're going to be very involved, including the examples from the OP?
I think people failed to read beyond the title ("Surprisingly short jokes.") and just regurgitated the same old jokes we've seen here several times.
posted by pracowity at 2:57 PM on April 20, 2008
I think people failed to read beyond the title ("Surprisingly short jokes.") and just regurgitated the same old jokes we've seen here several times.
posted by pracowity at 2:57 PM on April 20, 2008
Okay, in the vein of really long jokes that are actually short (from a friend of mine) I offer: the Voodoo Orange!
Okay, so a railroad conductor commits a murder and is tried and convicted, and sentenced to death. In those days they used the electric chair, and so he was sentenced to die in the chair.
The night before his execution, they asked him what he wanted to eat for his last meal.
"I want...a Voodoo Orange!"
"A voodoo orange?!? Where can we find such a thing?" they asked?
"In the middle of Tibet, there is a giant desert. In that desert, there is a small oasis shaped like an eye. In the center of that oasis is a tall, tall tree. At the top of that tree is the voodoo orange."
So they had someone take a flight to China, then a train to Tibet. The traveler asked around and was finally directed to the desert where he took a camel and a guide to the oasis described. They found the tree, and the guide shimmied up the tree and plucked the voodoo orange from the top of the tree.
As it turned out, this took around a month, so the man's execution got delayed for all that time, but finally the voodoo orange arrived from Tibet and was ceremoniously handed to the condemned man, who ate it with relish and pronounced it delicious.
That evening he was brought to the chair in front of a set of witnesses. The atmosphere was charged; everyone wanted to see this man who had requested such an unusual last meal.
The man sat in the chair and was strapped down. The lever went down, and electricity surged over his body.
But with no effect. The man appeared totally unharmed. They tried over and over to kill him, but with no success.
"We'll have to increase the power of the chair." Said the technician. "Should take a week or two."
The night before his second execution, the prisoner was again offered a final meal.
"I want....another Voodoo Orange!"
"Not Tibet again!" The warden cried.
"No, the second voodoo orange is located in the depths of the bush of Australia. 80 miles from the smallest town in the bush, there is a small canyon. And in that canyon is a cave. And in that cave there is a small bush, and on that bush grows the other voodoo orange.
So again they arranged for a traveler, who fly to Australia and took a jeep into the bush. From their, they hired an aboriginal tracker to guide them to the canyon. At the canyon the guide rappelled down the side, entered the cave, and plucked the voodoo orange from the bush.
They returned, gave the orange to the prisoner, who said "Delicious."
Next day, the second execution. This time, the crowd was even larger: who was this strange man, who could not be killed with a normal chair?
He was seated in the new chair, which was huge with giant connectors for the millions of volts that were to pass through his body. Again, the lever came down. The lights flickered, and sparks flew off the chair to the pipes in the ceiling.
But the man remained unharmed.
The technician said, "Give me another 3 weeks! I'll create a chair that will fry this guy for good."
Again he was led back to his cell, and three weeks later was asked what he wanted for his final meal. "A Voodoo Orange!" He exclaimed.
The warden wept: "Where now?!? The jungles of Africa? The wilds of Montana?"
"No," said the prisoner, "In New York's Central Park, there is a tall tree with a voodoo orange on it. Easy."
Train to New York, grabbed orange, came back. "Delicious!" said the man.
Huge crowd, even bigger chair. They sit the condemned man down, pull the lever, and an entire city block goes black. The technician gets electrocuted himself and has to sit down. The wires eventually melt and the chair catches on fire. But the prisoner is untouched.
They finally have to let him go because it's not possible to execute him. As he leaves the prison, someone asks the warden why the chair never worked.
"I guess he just wasn't a good conductor."
Badump-shhh!
posted by Deathalicious at 8:49 AM on April 22, 2008 [2 favorites]
Okay, so a railroad conductor commits a murder and is tried and convicted, and sentenced to death. In those days they used the electric chair, and so he was sentenced to die in the chair.
The night before his execution, they asked him what he wanted to eat for his last meal.
"I want...a Voodoo Orange!"
"A voodoo orange?!? Where can we find such a thing?" they asked?
"In the middle of Tibet, there is a giant desert. In that desert, there is a small oasis shaped like an eye. In the center of that oasis is a tall, tall tree. At the top of that tree is the voodoo orange."
So they had someone take a flight to China, then a train to Tibet. The traveler asked around and was finally directed to the desert where he took a camel and a guide to the oasis described. They found the tree, and the guide shimmied up the tree and plucked the voodoo orange from the top of the tree.
As it turned out, this took around a month, so the man's execution got delayed for all that time, but finally the voodoo orange arrived from Tibet and was ceremoniously handed to the condemned man, who ate it with relish and pronounced it delicious.
That evening he was brought to the chair in front of a set of witnesses. The atmosphere was charged; everyone wanted to see this man who had requested such an unusual last meal.
The man sat in the chair and was strapped down. The lever went down, and electricity surged over his body.
But with no effect. The man appeared totally unharmed. They tried over and over to kill him, but with no success.
"We'll have to increase the power of the chair." Said the technician. "Should take a week or two."
The night before his second execution, the prisoner was again offered a final meal.
"I want....another Voodoo Orange!"
"Not Tibet again!" The warden cried.
"No, the second voodoo orange is located in the depths of the bush of Australia. 80 miles from the smallest town in the bush, there is a small canyon. And in that canyon is a cave. And in that cave there is a small bush, and on that bush grows the other voodoo orange.
So again they arranged for a traveler, who fly to Australia and took a jeep into the bush. From their, they hired an aboriginal tracker to guide them to the canyon. At the canyon the guide rappelled down the side, entered the cave, and plucked the voodoo orange from the bush.
They returned, gave the orange to the prisoner, who said "Delicious."
Next day, the second execution. This time, the crowd was even larger: who was this strange man, who could not be killed with a normal chair?
He was seated in the new chair, which was huge with giant connectors for the millions of volts that were to pass through his body. Again, the lever came down. The lights flickered, and sparks flew off the chair to the pipes in the ceiling.
But the man remained unharmed.
The technician said, "Give me another 3 weeks! I'll create a chair that will fry this guy for good."
Again he was led back to his cell, and three weeks later was asked what he wanted for his final meal. "A Voodoo Orange!" He exclaimed.
The warden wept: "Where now?!? The jungles of Africa? The wilds of Montana?"
"No," said the prisoner, "In New York's Central Park, there is a tall tree with a voodoo orange on it. Easy."
Train to New York, grabbed orange, came back. "Delicious!" said the man.
Huge crowd, even bigger chair. They sit the condemned man down, pull the lever, and an entire city block goes black. The technician gets electrocuted himself and has to sit down. The wires eventually melt and the chair catches on fire. But the prisoner is untouched.
They finally have to let him go because it's not possible to execute him. As he leaves the prison, someone asks the warden why the chair never worked.
"I guess he just wasn't a good conductor."
Badump-shhh!
posted by Deathalicious at 8:49 AM on April 22, 2008 [2 favorites]
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Ouch!
It was an iron bar.
That used to really crack me up when I was 10 or so. But probably best told out loud.
posted by Magnakai at 8:32 AM on April 17, 2008 [2 favorites]