Gamblin' Dad
April 10, 2008 8:15 PM Subscribe
What it is the best way to deal with a compulsive-gambling father who only calls when he needs money? He is formally a successful white collar executive who now can't pay the rent. After watching many episodes of "Intervention", I don't think I can just refuse to help him out and then have him end up on the streets.
Response by poster: Thanks. It's already just so heartbreaking. I find that I speak to him as if he were one of my teenagers and yet I want to say "But you're my Dad! You're supposed to be supporting me! (emotionally, that is)" My husband, bless his heart deals with most of the financial requests. He's approaching his seventies and I just can't imagine him living in a shelter. Thank you about the Pima suggeston I have never heard of them. And yes, I do need to go to some Al=Anon meetings.
posted by Farleece at 8:57 PM on April 10, 2008
posted by Farleece at 8:57 PM on April 10, 2008
Fabulous answer, azp. I was reminded recently that addicts can't be addicts without the support of people in their lives; they can't afford their addiction on their own in most cases. So keep making the choice not to support the addiction. And yeah, get some support for yourselves-might be a good time for a little counseling, because this is just crappy and it's not going to feel good. Rest assured, though, that while he's in the depths of his addiction, any money you give him will not keep him off the streets. It will keep him gambling. Unless you want to just give your paycheck to the casino directly, and save the time, don't give him money ever. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you.
Check and see if your state has resources for gambling addiction. I know my state (Oregon) has a lot of free treatment for gambling addicts, paid (of course!) out of lottery dollars. There may be support services there for families.
posted by purenitrous at 9:40 PM on April 10, 2008
Check and see if your state has resources for gambling addiction. I know my state (Oregon) has a lot of free treatment for gambling addicts, paid (of course!) out of lottery dollars. There may be support services there for families.
posted by purenitrous at 9:40 PM on April 10, 2008
I'm so sorry. Could he have Alzheimers or other dementia, I only ask after seeing similar behaviours in a relative.
posted by fshgrl at 11:29 PM on April 10, 2008
posted by fshgrl at 11:29 PM on April 10, 2008
An option that I've seen work is to take over his finances. That would mean having sole access to where his salary/income is paid into obviously + any Credit Cards etc.
You pay the rent/utilities bills for him (from his salary/income) & you give him pocket money each week.
It may also mean in the short term clearing his debts to the point where nobodies knocking on his door.
posted by selton at 7:49 AM on April 11, 2008
You pay the rent/utilities bills for him (from his salary/income) & you give him pocket money each week.
It may also mean in the short term clearing his debts to the point where nobodies knocking on his door.
posted by selton at 7:49 AM on April 11, 2008
I meant to add: in addition to using G.Anon type services.
posted by selton at 7:52 AM on April 11, 2008
posted by selton at 7:52 AM on April 11, 2008
I think azpenguin gave an excellent answer, and I just wanted to put my two cents in.
Your question hit close to home for me. My dad was a self made millionaire with a successful business who lost everything to a gambling addiction. He gambled away my parents' retirement savings, our family home, two cars, and racked up an incredible amount of unpaid loans. When he began to steal from his clients, he was stripped of his professional license and had to close his business. I lost all respect for him at 15, when he begged me to give him the money I had saved from working a $6/hour after school job.
Like azpenguin said, nothing will motivate him to get help like hitting rock bottom. My dad hit rock bottom when my mother divorced him, his four kids cut off all contact, and he almost went to jail. That was nearly ten years ago. Since then, he has sought counseling for his addiction and he is slowly rebuilding his life, including trying to repair relationships with the countless people he hurt along the way.
I hope everything works out for him and you.
posted by madforplaid at 12:08 AM on April 12, 2008
Your question hit close to home for me. My dad was a self made millionaire with a successful business who lost everything to a gambling addiction. He gambled away my parents' retirement savings, our family home, two cars, and racked up an incredible amount of unpaid loans. When he began to steal from his clients, he was stripped of his professional license and had to close his business. I lost all respect for him at 15, when he begged me to give him the money I had saved from working a $6/hour after school job.
Like azpenguin said, nothing will motivate him to get help like hitting rock bottom. My dad hit rock bottom when my mother divorced him, his four kids cut off all contact, and he almost went to jail. That was nearly ten years ago. Since then, he has sought counseling for his addiction and he is slowly rebuilding his life, including trying to repair relationships with the countless people he hurt along the way.
I hope everything works out for him and you.
posted by madforplaid at 12:08 AM on April 12, 2008
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I've been through similar situations with my father, except his problem is drinking. He's called several times in the past needing a place to stay. We stopped obliging him a few years ago. Last time he tried, he tried to be travel agent for the ultimate guilt trip, which none of us fell for. What we did do for him was drive him to various agencies for help, including one he finally ended up staying at. It was made crystal clear to him that we would not be bringing his addiction around us. If it happens again, all he gets is a list of phone numbers. We figured out a while back that any safe haven from consequences that he has is another chance for him to keep drinking.
It's hard, and it's heartbreaking to do. Your best bet is to line up sources of help now so you know where to go later. I would strongly suggest checking with Adult Protective Services as well to see if this is something within their jurisdiction. If your area has a local help agency for the elderly (here it's Pima Council For the Aging, you should have something similar) it would be a good idea to call them as well. They've seen this kind of thing before many many times, and they know what the resources available are. Know who to call before he calls you. Make sure he knows you will help him, but you will not support him.
And don't expect any of this to feel good. It won't. It will feel like hell. You will be questioning yourself every step of the way. It also may not get the desired results, and he could possibly end up in the streets. But the only way for an addict to break an addiction is to hit bottom - they have to face the consequences. They will not get help until they hit bottom, and that's different for each addict. For some it could be losing a job. For some, losing a house. For some, ending up in the hospital. Addiction is a hell of a thing, because it hurts family as much or more than the addict. For this reason, I suggest you find a support group. You might try Al-Anon - I don't know if there are separate groups for family members affected by a gambling addiction, but you will find in any such sort of group many similar stories, ways to help deal with it, and also some comfort in knowing you're not alone.
Good luck. I hope this turns out well. And sorry for the ramble.
posted by azpenguin at 8:35 PM on April 10, 2008 [7 favorites]