How do I make my girlfriend's visit the best it can be?
April 2, 2008 8:34 PM Subscribe
My girlfriend is coming to visit me in Japan for two weeks! I'm really excited, and I think it's going to be great. However, two weeks is quite a long time to spend with someone in a dorm-room sized studio apartment. I want to make them the best two weeks ever though, so what sorts of things can we do to make sure we don't get on each others' nerves?
We get along very well and I don't have any precedent for thinking that we'd eventually annoy each other, but asking can't hurt.
We get along very well and I don't have any precedent for thinking that we'd eventually annoy each other, but asking can't hurt.
"but asking can't hurt."
You're right, and it's a great question.
1) Don't over-plan every minute. Build some time to just let things go whatever direction they go.
2) Build in some time or reasons to spend a short while apart. Offer to run to the grocery, do laundry, or some other mundane task. If she (or you) needs a bit of time alone, that's a nice way to have it without making the other person feel unwanted.
3) Ask her what she wants to do. Also consider asking her to plan a day -- in advance. If she schedules every second of the day with you, you'll know that's how she wants to spend her time. If she says, "...then maybe that afternoon, I'll check out a local gift shop..." then it's a cue to give her some time on her own.
4) Try not to sweat it too much (easier said than done, I know). Two weeks will fly by.
You're a great partner for thinking things through this far. Ask her how she wants to spend her time and let her know you care.
posted by _Mona_ at 8:56 PM on April 2, 2008
You're right, and it's a great question.
1) Don't over-plan every minute. Build some time to just let things go whatever direction they go.
2) Build in some time or reasons to spend a short while apart. Offer to run to the grocery, do laundry, or some other mundane task. If she (or you) needs a bit of time alone, that's a nice way to have it without making the other person feel unwanted.
3) Ask her what she wants to do. Also consider asking her to plan a day -- in advance. If she schedules every second of the day with you, you'll know that's how she wants to spend her time. If she says, "...then maybe that afternoon, I'll check out a local gift shop..." then it's a cue to give her some time on her own.
4) Try not to sweat it too much (easier said than done, I know). Two weeks will fly by.
You're a great partner for thinking things through this far. Ask her how she wants to spend her time and let her know you care.
posted by _Mona_ at 8:56 PM on April 2, 2008
Travel. That'll minimize boredom and amount of time sitting around in a tiny space. Go to onsen. Go hiking. Go out of your way to that tiny ramen joint on a cliffside that everyone claims has the BEST shoyu ramen in all of Japan. Depending where you are, a train can get you almost anywhere (the exception being Hokkaido - where I am) cheaply and quickly. Visit those places you've wanted to but haven't gotten to yet.
If you have the money and time of course.
Where are you? (just out of curiousity.)
posted by RobertFrost at 9:06 PM on April 2, 2008
If you have the money and time of course.
Where are you? (just out of curiousity.)
posted by RobertFrost at 9:06 PM on April 2, 2008
¨dorm-room sized studio apartment¨
Look at it as if she was moving in for two weeks rather than visiting. Clear and mark out ´landing zones´ for her travel goods/food/bathroom stuff.
posted by wonderfool at 9:07 PM on April 2, 2008
Look at it as if she was moving in for two weeks rather than visiting. Clear and mark out ´landing zones´ for her travel goods/food/bathroom stuff.
posted by wonderfool at 9:07 PM on April 2, 2008
While living in Japan, I had two friends come stay with me, one for 2 weeks, one for 3. Two weeks was a perfect amount of time - a great span to really get a sense of the country and still have enough time for bonding/visiting/doing your own thing. 3 weeks...too much. Both of my friends had journals, too, that they kept up on most nights. A great quiet activity that kept them out of my hair for about an hour every night.
posted by ikahime at 9:50 PM on April 2, 2008
posted by ikahime at 9:50 PM on April 2, 2008
It takes two weeks just to get over the jetlag. I remember when I first arrived in Japan I usually ended up sleeping in the early evening, just as everyone (I was staying in a dormitory) was getting together to watch movies or whatever. Your girlfriend is going to be too zoned to fuss much, but let her sleep, then keep her grounded with Starbucks, take her to Kamakura to chill (with a stop at one of those outlet malls in Kanagawa when you get back) and you'll be fine. Based on my experience, she's going to willingly depend on you for everything. Just give her time to sleep and she'll be fine.
posted by KokuRyu at 9:58 PM on April 2, 2008
posted by KokuRyu at 9:58 PM on April 2, 2008
Are you sleeping on a twin bed? Get an air mattress and trade sleeping on it (you can put your real mattress on the floor and the air mattress right next to it). Two weeks is a long time for two people on one small bed.
posted by grouse at 10:50 PM on April 2, 2008
posted by grouse at 10:50 PM on April 2, 2008
I think the very fact that you're thinking about this means that it will go fine, because you're obviously considering her needs.
I've stayed with friends abroad for long periods of time and what worked best was when I had some complete downtime where they just didn't bother me even if they were home (like an hour or two in the late afternoon to read or nap--travel can be stressful, especially with huge cultural or time changes and some time built in to decompress and not feel pressured to actually be doing anything was a godsend).
Don't overplan your days (like down to the minute) because this is stressful, but also have *a* plan, because running in endless circles of "I don't know, what do you want to do?" is tiresome. Think about what your girlfriend likes and give her choices and options. When I visited my friends, they were at work or class during the day so I did all kinds of touristy stuff by myself and then we'd go out at night. I'd go to art museums or stores or whatever (stuff that I wanted to do) and I'd let them plan dinner and afterward (stuff that they wanted to do with me). There was a good balance of "I want to show you this" from them and "I want to do this" from me, which was achieved through simply talking about what we should do during my visit, ahead of time.
However, the real purpose of her visit is to see you and spend time with you--would she be going to Japan otherwise (I'm guessing no)? There's a lot of pressure with overseas travel to constantly be doing something and have a plan and itinerary and go sight-seeing and be a tourist and and and...but don't feel guilty if you spend all day in bed or something. That's probably what she's looking forward to the most.
Re: not getting on each other's nerves, just be aware of her personal space needs. Be aware of your personal space needs. I second the advice to treat it like she's moving in rather than her visiting and to consider where she and her stuff will go ahead of time.
posted by cosmic osmo at 10:54 PM on April 2, 2008
I've stayed with friends abroad for long periods of time and what worked best was when I had some complete downtime where they just didn't bother me even if they were home (like an hour or two in the late afternoon to read or nap--travel can be stressful, especially with huge cultural or time changes and some time built in to decompress and not feel pressured to actually be doing anything was a godsend).
Don't overplan your days (like down to the minute) because this is stressful, but also have *a* plan, because running in endless circles of "I don't know, what do you want to do?" is tiresome. Think about what your girlfriend likes and give her choices and options. When I visited my friends, they were at work or class during the day so I did all kinds of touristy stuff by myself and then we'd go out at night. I'd go to art museums or stores or whatever (stuff that I wanted to do) and I'd let them plan dinner and afterward (stuff that they wanted to do with me). There was a good balance of "I want to show you this" from them and "I want to do this" from me, which was achieved through simply talking about what we should do during my visit, ahead of time.
However, the real purpose of her visit is to see you and spend time with you--would she be going to Japan otherwise (I'm guessing no)? There's a lot of pressure with overseas travel to constantly be doing something and have a plan and itinerary and go sight-seeing and be a tourist and and and...but don't feel guilty if you spend all day in bed or something. That's probably what she's looking forward to the most.
Re: not getting on each other's nerves, just be aware of her personal space needs. Be aware of your personal space needs. I second the advice to treat it like she's moving in rather than her visiting and to consider where she and her stuff will go ahead of time.
posted by cosmic osmo at 10:54 PM on April 2, 2008
I think communication is important. If you feel yourself starting to get annoyed with her, gently ask for some space. You can even come up with a code word or phrase that means one of you needs alone-time. She can use that time to rest or explore on her own.
posted by easy_being_green at 2:17 AM on April 3, 2008
posted by easy_being_green at 2:17 AM on April 3, 2008
Maybe there are fun things you've always wanted to do or places you've wanted to go since coming to Japan but haven't yet had the opportunity (and think she might enjoy, too)? If you can arrange a few experiences that are new for both of you, I think she would be less likely to feel as though she's imposing on you to show her a good time, and you probably won't feel as much like you're having to play the tour guide.
About the apartment situation: I've only had people visit for a few days at a time, but have noticed that people tend either to use the place solely as a "crash pad" between outings, or to rely on it as a kind of sanctuary from the overwhelming and culturally challenging place that Tokyo (in my case) can sometimes seem. Knowing your girlfriend's personality and preferences, you may want to anticipate one of those two general scenarios. I definitely agree with the Cosmic O that you shouldn't give yourself a guilt trip for kicking back at least some of the time, especially if that's what she would like.
posted by Bixby23 at 3:16 AM on April 3, 2008
About the apartment situation: I've only had people visit for a few days at a time, but have noticed that people tend either to use the place solely as a "crash pad" between outings, or to rely on it as a kind of sanctuary from the overwhelming and culturally challenging place that Tokyo (in my case) can sometimes seem. Knowing your girlfriend's personality and preferences, you may want to anticipate one of those two general scenarios. I definitely agree with the Cosmic O that you shouldn't give yourself a guilt trip for kicking back at least some of the time, especially if that's what she would like.
posted by Bixby23 at 3:16 AM on April 3, 2008
When my long-distance boyfriend and I did visits like this (well, except for the "in Japan" part), we found that sitting on the same couch reading books was the perfect "recharging" activity. We could still cuddle or whatever, and even if we weren't cuddling it still felt nice and domestic and normal; but we still got to geek out on our own thing for a while, and not feel obligated to pay attention to each other.
Then again, I'm a hard core introvert, so spending time recharging is Priority #1 if I'm going to be around another person for longer than a day. YMMV.
Also: I'm assuming you have some sort of obligations outside your apartment during those two weeks. (A job? Classes?) Even if you don't, but especially if you do, you should get your girlfriend a door key if it's at all possible. Two weeks is a long time to be dependent on someone else for the ability to move around freely. She may not intend to do much sightseeing without you, but even just letting her take a walk or go up the street for a snack while you're out/asleep/busy will help her feel at home.
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:11 AM on April 3, 2008
Then again, I'm a hard core introvert, so spending time recharging is Priority #1 if I'm going to be around another person for longer than a day. YMMV.
Also: I'm assuming you have some sort of obligations outside your apartment during those two weeks. (A job? Classes?) Even if you don't, but especially if you do, you should get your girlfriend a door key if it's at all possible. Two weeks is a long time to be dependent on someone else for the ability to move around freely. She may not intend to do much sightseeing without you, but even just letting her take a walk or go up the street for a snack while you're out/asleep/busy will help her feel at home.
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:11 AM on April 3, 2008
two words: love hotel.
several more words in the form of a sentence: take her around your neighborhood so she gets a sense of where she is. get her a key made if you can. show her where the grocery store is so she can go get stuff for dinner. that can be a fun experience overseas in and of itself. show her how the public transit works so she feels comfortable riding it by herself when you are not around. you don't specifically where you are in japan, but if you post back, i might have some specific suggestions for activities she could do by herself and enjoy.
posted by modernnomad at 9:00 AM on April 3, 2008 [1 favorite]
several more words in the form of a sentence: take her around your neighborhood so she gets a sense of where she is. get her a key made if you can. show her where the grocery store is so she can go get stuff for dinner. that can be a fun experience overseas in and of itself. show her how the public transit works so she feels comfortable riding it by herself when you are not around. you don't specifically where you are in japan, but if you post back, i might have some specific suggestions for activities she could do by herself and enjoy.
posted by modernnomad at 9:00 AM on April 3, 2008 [1 favorite]
Are you gonna be going to work/class every day without her? If so, I like modernnomad's suggestion. She can get a little independent exploration thing going in the local area if there are shops, parks, etc. That'd be exciting and fun.
Each day, you can bring her back a little something, just to be sweet. That's less about getting along and more about just being a sweetheart, but.. I'm sure she'll be thrilled either way. Have fun! Sounds like it'll be a good time.
posted by crunch buttsteak at 10:10 AM on April 3, 2008
Each day, you can bring her back a little something, just to be sweet. That's less about getting along and more about just being a sweetheart, but.. I'm sure she'll be thrilled either way. Have fun! Sounds like it'll be a good time.
posted by crunch buttsteak at 10:10 AM on April 3, 2008
I live in Tokyo, too, so I know exactly what you mean when you say "small" apartment. I'll nth the decision to be out as much as possible, and I'll also add it probably won't be as bad as you think. My wife and I live in a tiny apartment that's just big enough for two, but still quite small. But we're used to it. Last summer, her sister wanted to move in with us for the whole summer for work reasons. I agreed, because I get along with her sister and she helped pay rent, but I was worried that our place wouldn't just be really cramped but would be really, really
cramped.
So sis comes...and it was really, really cramped. But not for long. After a pretty short period of time, I got used to her being around and didn't think about it much until she left three months later. People generally adapt to their surroundings really well if necessary.
So two weeks is nothing. Just go out and do stuff in our fair city and stay there as much as possible.
posted by zardoz at 12:05 AM on April 4, 2008
cramped.
So sis comes...and it was really, really cramped. But not for long. After a pretty short period of time, I got used to her being around and didn't think about it much until she left three months later. People generally adapt to their surroundings really well if necessary.
So two weeks is nothing. Just go out and do stuff in our fair city and stay there as much as possible.
posted by zardoz at 12:05 AM on April 4, 2008
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posted by twirlypen at 8:43 PM on April 2, 2008