Online dating photos - to post, or not to post?
February 24, 2008 1:09 PM Subscribe
I'm interested in giving online dating a try, but as a TA at the local university I'm kind of nervous about my students finding my profile. Is this a valid concern or am I worrying unnecessarily?
I've got a profile up on okaycupid, but up to now I've been really, really leery of actually posting any pictures. Even though I do get some "bites" anyway, and even though I realize that I could always just send those folks my picture privately after they've initiated contact, there are several reasons this doesn't seem ideal: 1) I'm uneasy at the thought of people being interested in me until they see what I look like (let's face it, I'm not Quasimodo but neither am I exactly Helen of Troy), and 2) though I feel bad about the superficiality of it, I must admit that I'm more likely to click through on a profile with pictures so of course I've gotta expect the same of others, meaning that maybe I am missing out on some neat folks simply because I don't have any pictures posted.
However, as someone who teaches undergrad classes I'm a little worried about any of my students finding my profile and it getting around. When I question myself on why this makes me uneasy I don't have any concrete answer - I'm not exactly 'secret' over the fact that I'm rather nerdy o I don't think it's that I'm afraid that them discovering I'm on an online dating site (even WITH a fairly nerdy profile) would "undermine" any impression they have of me - but even so there's something in me that keeps telling me that posting pictures would be a bad idea. I suppose another element that is kind of concerning is that I've identified on my okcupid profile as bisexual; I don't especially care if people in general know that I see myself as such but - well, when it comes to teaching, and grading, I feel like I'd prefer that my students don't know much about my personal views and preferences lest they assume that I grade them based on those views (something that I of course try very hard not to do> - but given the rather conservative nature of a lot of my students here in South Carolina, I do worry about doing or saying anything that would make them feel like their opinions will be viewed with hostility because they clash with those of their instructor).
So I guess in short what I'm looking for is input from folks who've been in similar situations, working as an instructor or some other role that maybe makes them somewhat "public" - have you ever had negative repercussions as a result of posting your photos online at some dating site? Or if you ARE a student, what would your reaction be if you found an online dating profile for one of your instructors, would you still be able to take them seriously? Am I right to worry about it, or is this really no big deal in this day and age after all?
I've got a profile up on okaycupid, but up to now I've been really, really leery of actually posting any pictures. Even though I do get some "bites" anyway, and even though I realize that I could always just send those folks my picture privately after they've initiated contact, there are several reasons this doesn't seem ideal: 1) I'm uneasy at the thought of people being interested in me until they see what I look like (let's face it, I'm not Quasimodo but neither am I exactly Helen of Troy), and 2) though I feel bad about the superficiality of it, I must admit that I'm more likely to click through on a profile with pictures so of course I've gotta expect the same of others, meaning that maybe I am missing out on some neat folks simply because I don't have any pictures posted.
However, as someone who teaches undergrad classes I'm a little worried about any of my students finding my profile and it getting around. When I question myself on why this makes me uneasy I don't have any concrete answer - I'm not exactly 'secret' over the fact that I'm rather nerdy o I don't think it's that I'm afraid that them discovering I'm on an online dating site (even WITH a fairly nerdy profile) would "undermine" any impression they have of me - but even so there's something in me that keeps telling me that posting pictures would be a bad idea. I suppose another element that is kind of concerning is that I've identified on my okcupid profile as bisexual; I don't especially care if people in general know that I see myself as such but - well, when it comes to teaching, and grading, I feel like I'd prefer that my students don't know much about my personal views and preferences lest they assume that I grade them based on those views (something that I of course try very hard not to do> - but given the rather conservative nature of a lot of my students here in South Carolina, I do worry about doing or saying anything that would make them feel like their opinions will be viewed with hostility because they clash with those of their instructor).
So I guess in short what I'm looking for is input from folks who've been in similar situations, working as an instructor or some other role that maybe makes them somewhat "public" - have you ever had negative repercussions as a result of posting your photos online at some dating site? Or if you ARE a student, what would your reaction be if you found an online dating profile for one of your instructors, would you still be able to take them seriously? Am I right to worry about it, or is this really no big deal in this day and age after all?
I think it's a valid concern. I know a PhD candidate who teaches for her advisor and she's had students find her facebook profile (which is now hidden) as well as various other things she's posted online. She doesn't post recognizeable pictures anymore.
She's found that a text-only profile site like Craigslist is a much better option.
posted by SpecialK at 1:30 PM on February 24, 2008
She's found that a text-only profile site like Craigslist is a much better option.
posted by SpecialK at 1:30 PM on February 24, 2008
I don't really think there is any kind of a problem with students knowing that you're using an online dating site. Students are aware generally that many people they know who are unattached would like to become attached. The kids nowadays are also more comfortable with e-dating than are fortysomething oldsters like me. When I taught in a university setting, I am sure that the kids made fun of me privately if I did something that seemed ridiculous. just as I as a student used to make fun of my instructors privately who occasionally seemed ridiculous. Having your students know that you're single but looking, and maybe even having students chuckle about it, doesn't seem like a big deal to me.
However, there is nothing wrong with wanting to keep your sexual orientation private, or any other aspect of your life private. If I were in your shoes, I would give serious consideration to eliminating/minimizing any aspects of your online profile that deserve privacy. If you don't feel as if you can do that with integrity (i.e., "I will not hide my bisexuality on okcupid as a matter of principle!"), that's an argument that maybe you shouldn't be on okcupid at all, or on anything else that makes your sex interests public. I will close by stating the obvious: that a significant number of students would have an emotional response to the revelation that their female instructor is bisexual that would in no way be negative! This courtesy would likely not be offered to a male instructor, however.
posted by Mr. Justice at 1:33 PM on February 24, 2008
However, there is nothing wrong with wanting to keep your sexual orientation private, or any other aspect of your life private. If I were in your shoes, I would give serious consideration to eliminating/minimizing any aspects of your online profile that deserve privacy. If you don't feel as if you can do that with integrity (i.e., "I will not hide my bisexuality on okcupid as a matter of principle!"), that's an argument that maybe you shouldn't be on okcupid at all, or on anything else that makes your sex interests public. I will close by stating the obvious: that a significant number of students would have an emotional response to the revelation that their female instructor is bisexual that would in no way be negative! This courtesy would likely not be offered to a male instructor, however.
posted by Mr. Justice at 1:33 PM on February 24, 2008
I think having a profile at all up is no issue. You're single and looking to date. With one unfortunate exception, anything that would cause you trouble in your career probably is more than you should be sharing online anyway.
The one thing on there that I would leave off, if you can do so and effectively find a possible partner, is your bisexuality. Ironically it's probably more an issue for you than if you were gay. Anyone who found the profile of someone who identifies as gay and looking for a same-sex partner is less likely to be a problem for you. As a bisexual, on the other hand, your profile may very well be found by a straight homophobic asshole who would look askance at it.
On the other hand, part of how the world advances in these things is by people being confronted with new facts and people that challenge their preconceptions. The question is, how much are you willing to possibly bleed for it?
posted by phearlez at 1:34 PM on February 24, 2008
The one thing on there that I would leave off, if you can do so and effectively find a possible partner, is your bisexuality. Ironically it's probably more an issue for you than if you were gay. Anyone who found the profile of someone who identifies as gay and looking for a same-sex partner is less likely to be a problem for you. As a bisexual, on the other hand, your profile may very well be found by a straight homophobic asshole who would look askance at it.
On the other hand, part of how the world advances in these things is by people being confronted with new facts and people that challenge their preconceptions. The question is, how much are you willing to possibly bleed for it?
posted by phearlez at 1:34 PM on February 24, 2008
anything that would cause you trouble in your career probably is more than you should be sharing online anyway.
If I may be so gauche as to respond to myself, let me clarify: any personal fact that could be really used against you or is very salacious is more than you should share in a dating profile, which should be limited to dealbreaker facts ("I won't be with someone who eats meat/wears leather/votes libertarian/reads Stephen King") and the kind of stuff you'd share with someone you were just introduced to at a party. Sharing more once you've started exchanging emails or phone calls is fine but a profile is cocktail party chat.
posted by phearlez at 1:37 PM on February 24, 2008
If I may be so gauche as to respond to myself, let me clarify: any personal fact that could be really used against you or is very salacious is more than you should share in a dating profile, which should be limited to dealbreaker facts ("I won't be with someone who eats meat/wears leather/votes libertarian/reads Stephen King") and the kind of stuff you'd share with someone you were just introduced to at a party. Sharing more once you've started exchanging emails or phone calls is fine but a profile is cocktail party chat.
posted by phearlez at 1:37 PM on February 24, 2008
What's the likelihood that they'll find your profile, though? A facebook profile is linked to your full name and your school or organization. Presumably you wouldn't include that kind of identifying info in your dating profile, so the chances that any of your students would stumble on it is reduced.
posted by ludwig_van at 1:45 PM on February 24, 2008
posted by ludwig_van at 1:45 PM on February 24, 2008
I think your concern is quite valid. Why don't you consider one of those paid sites or something that only matches you by profile first (like EHarmony)? Something you pay for will weed out the idle browsing and won't expose you to potential problems with your job.
posted by 45moore45 at 1:47 PM on February 24, 2008
posted by 45moore45 at 1:47 PM on February 24, 2008
I teach and have kept as much info about myself offline as possible. I also don't want my students to know my views, I don't want them to have an easy time finding things out about me beyond the professional, etc. I'm not on Facebook or any similar sites.
But I know a lot of faculty my age and younger who are very free with info about their lives, and having stuff online, having their Facebook profiles available to students, etc. They seem very relaxed and happy about this, and most students who have any comment about it are pleased with the sense that their profs are people.
Being a grad student you are more vulnerable, since you have less automatic authority than the prof does (so students may be more inclined to take personal info as a reason to take you less seriously), and you will eventually be looking for an academic job (maybe?). But at the same time, you may not be as much a focus of malicious interest as a faculty member would be -- there's a certain mindset that wants to find pics etc of profs online to "take them down a peg", and I think this doesn't apply as much to grad students.
If you're a woman, my sense is that you are more vulnerable to unwanted attention to your sex life etc. If you're bi in an area that is not bi-friendly, you're opening yourself up to unwanted attention and judgment (and possibly harassment) by posting that information. On the other hand, you might be an example for any of your students who are queer that you can live your life without fear of judgment.
It's a tough call. I myself wouldn't post pics, but that's not the right call for everyone. The people I know who would post pics would do so because they feel comfortable with the risk of scrutiny -- it's a slim chance but if it happens it could be unpleasant. You should assess how comfortable you are with that risk; nobody else can decide for you.
posted by LobsterMitten at 2:15 PM on February 24, 2008
But I know a lot of faculty my age and younger who are very free with info about their lives, and having stuff online, having their Facebook profiles available to students, etc. They seem very relaxed and happy about this, and most students who have any comment about it are pleased with the sense that their profs are people.
Being a grad student you are more vulnerable, since you have less automatic authority than the prof does (so students may be more inclined to take personal info as a reason to take you less seriously), and you will eventually be looking for an academic job (maybe?). But at the same time, you may not be as much a focus of malicious interest as a faculty member would be -- there's a certain mindset that wants to find pics etc of profs online to "take them down a peg", and I think this doesn't apply as much to grad students.
If you're a woman, my sense is that you are more vulnerable to unwanted attention to your sex life etc. If you're bi in an area that is not bi-friendly, you're opening yourself up to unwanted attention and judgment (and possibly harassment) by posting that information. On the other hand, you might be an example for any of your students who are queer that you can live your life without fear of judgment.
It's a tough call. I myself wouldn't post pics, but that's not the right call for everyone. The people I know who would post pics would do so because they feel comfortable with the risk of scrutiny -- it's a slim chance but if it happens it could be unpleasant. You should assess how comfortable you are with that risk; nobody else can decide for you.
posted by LobsterMitten at 2:15 PM on February 24, 2008
Response by poster: I think your concern is quite valid. Why don't you consider one of those paid sites or something that only matches you by profile first (like EHarmony)? Something you pay for will weed out the idle browsing and won't expose you to potential problems with your job.
I very much appreciate everyone's input thus far, at the very least I'm really glad to hear that I'm not totally crazy to be worrying about this in the first place! Still haven't decided what to do about the pictures thing in general, but I did want to answer 45moore45's question at least: I'm not that eager to go to one of the paid sites largely because - eh, heh, as a grad student my funds are extremely limited and thus if I can successfully find dating candidates through free alternatives I'm eager to do so ... and as for eHarmony in general, while I really don't want to make this a "political/ideological" thread, I must admit that I am averse to giving money to a site that explicitly refuses to provide options for same-sex matching ... that isn't even due to any personal requirements, it just bothers me in general that such a major site has to be so ... eh, committed to one particular view of what constitutes "acceptable" love ...
Regardless, again, thanks to all of you thus far who've chimed in with your opinion, it seems that this is something for which there is no clear-cut "right" decision ... Even hearing that is a huge help for me, I really wasn't sure if I was totally crazy in considering posting my picture -or- in being reluctant to do so in the first place!
posted by zeph at 2:24 PM on February 24, 2008
I very much appreciate everyone's input thus far, at the very least I'm really glad to hear that I'm not totally crazy to be worrying about this in the first place! Still haven't decided what to do about the pictures thing in general, but I did want to answer 45moore45's question at least: I'm not that eager to go to one of the paid sites largely because - eh, heh, as a grad student my funds are extremely limited and thus if I can successfully find dating candidates through free alternatives I'm eager to do so ... and as for eHarmony in general, while I really don't want to make this a "political/ideological" thread, I must admit that I am averse to giving money to a site that explicitly refuses to provide options for same-sex matching ... that isn't even due to any personal requirements, it just bothers me in general that such a major site has to be so ... eh, committed to one particular view of what constitutes "acceptable" love ...
Regardless, again, thanks to all of you thus far who've chimed in with your opinion, it seems that this is something for which there is no clear-cut "right" decision ... Even hearing that is a huge help for me, I really wasn't sure if I was totally crazy in considering posting my picture -or- in being reluctant to do so in the first place!
posted by zeph at 2:24 PM on February 24, 2008
It's absolutely a valid concern. Take an eyecatching photo that only shows you from an unidentifiable angle- from the back, a tattoo pic, or just your mouth, chin, and throat (that can be really nice and sexy without being trashy), and make sure your profile is funny to get more bites. Then don't be shy to send a pic asap when someone contacts you.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 2:26 PM on February 24, 2008
posted by pseudostrabismus at 2:26 PM on February 24, 2008
I'm a TA. The first Google Image hit for my full name is a picture of me in drag. If a student finds it — and so far, a few have — I'm comfortable laughing about it and then telling the story. (It was an AIDS awareness fundraiser where I worked. The picture was in the student newspaper, and gave us lots of good publicity. All in all, I'm pretty proud of it.)
So I've only been teaching for a year now, and it's possible this'll bite me in the ass eventually. But my sense so far is that because I can be open and at-ease about the whole thing, it hasn't been a problem. If my reaction had been to cringe or blush or deny everything, I suspect it would have gone worse.
Anyway, I've kind of started taking that as my rule of thumb for online behavior. "If a student found this and recognized me, would I grin and tell the rest of the story or would I feel uncomfortably exposed?" Where do you think this falls on that scale for you?
posted by nebulawindphone at 2:49 PM on February 24, 2008 [1 favorite]
So I've only been teaching for a year now, and it's possible this'll bite me in the ass eventually. But my sense so far is that because I can be open and at-ease about the whole thing, it hasn't been a problem. If my reaction had been to cringe or blush or deny everything, I suspect it would have gone worse.
Anyway, I've kind of started taking that as my rule of thumb for online behavior. "If a student found this and recognized me, would I grin and tell the rest of the story or would I feel uncomfortably exposed?" Where do you think this falls on that scale for you?
posted by nebulawindphone at 2:49 PM on February 24, 2008 [1 favorite]
I went out on a date with someone from OKCupid who is a professor at my university. (I'm a grad student.) He didn't post his photo in his profile for exactly the reasons you've outlined. Some things are none of your students' business. And you might also want to think about labmates and professors finding your profile. I've had two friends contact me on OKCupid just to say hi, as well as someone who works with several friends of mine. So definitely think carefully about what information about yourself you want to be common currency at your job.
posted by MsMolly at 2:50 PM on February 24, 2008
posted by MsMolly at 2:50 PM on February 24, 2008
Best answer: Valid concern, indeed, but as much as students will be students, what of your employers and colleagues. There may be a snool [a snoop and a fool] amongst them, unbenownst to you, who may just try to bank anything for any reason. Even though it may be rightfully none of their business. In this day and age, that 'facebook' profile and exploits may be detrimental to one's equilibrium.
One may think, 'what are the chances of that happening¿', and lo and behold...up comes one. Dang./
There isn't a 'rate my TA' site yet is there¿
for instance.
My take is 'who cares and why should I be concerned at all' though. Fuck their small mindedness, get the hell out of MY bedroom, carry on, it's all about You, damnit. Meet the challenge head on if and when it arrives, guns 'ablazing./
You be the judge, you're familiar with the territory and don't forget, it's your life....
what's more important than that¿ NOTHING./
As for paying for dating sites... there was a CBC 'news' segment , where this woman paid freaking thousands of dollars for some upgraded snake oil, which turned out to be a colossal cash grab from lonely, unsuspecting [desperate] souls. Fuck that.
no honey, no money./ :)
Have Fun and be yourself.
posted by alicesshoe at 3:29 PM on February 24, 2008
One may think, 'what are the chances of that happening¿', and lo and behold...up comes one. Dang./
There isn't a 'rate my TA' site yet is there¿
for instance.
My take is 'who cares and why should I be concerned at all' though. Fuck their small mindedness, get the hell out of MY bedroom, carry on, it's all about You, damnit. Meet the challenge head on if and when it arrives, guns 'ablazing./
You be the judge, you're familiar with the territory and don't forget, it's your life....
what's more important than that¿ NOTHING./
As for paying for dating sites... there was a CBC 'news' segment , where this woman paid freaking thousands of dollars for some upgraded snake oil, which turned out to be a colossal cash grab from lonely, unsuspecting [desperate] souls. Fuck that.
no honey, no money./ :)
Have Fun and be yourself.
posted by alicesshoe at 3:29 PM on February 24, 2008
Are the OKCupid profiles googleable? If they're not, and you have to log in to view/find people, then I think it's highly unlikely that any of your undergrads will find you there. I have actually had class discussions about online dating (I tech courses on cmc/Internet & society), and my students have generally expressed zero interest in ever using those sites. For them it's something that "adults" (read:divorced parents & older siblings) do. So I doubt there's a lot of risk in putting photos up if you can't find the profile just by googling. Students may very well google you though, so my advice would be to make sure anything you post passes that test.
posted by DiscourseMarker at 3:29 PM on February 24, 2008
posted by DiscourseMarker at 3:29 PM on February 24, 2008
(FWIW, I used OkCupid as an undergrad, and so did most of my friends. We wouldn't have admitted it in front of strangers, precisely because it was stigmatized as the sort of thing old, boring, desperate people had to do, but we did talk about it among ourselves.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 3:44 PM on February 24, 2008
posted by nebulawindphone at 3:44 PM on February 24, 2008
I think your concern is totally valid. Plenty of college-aged kids who could otherwise be getting laid are on okcupid (and I would assume you have other avenues as well).
However I think if you keep it tasteful, there's not too much trouble you can be getting into.
posted by shownomercy at 3:58 PM on February 24, 2008
However I think if you keep it tasteful, there's not too much trouble you can be getting into.
posted by shownomercy at 3:58 PM on February 24, 2008
Best answer: As you admit, it's hard to see what the specific problem is (aside from the bisexual thing). A lot of the responses are essentially saying: "Oh, yes, it's a serious problem, because your students or colleagues could find out." Huh? What would be wrong if they did find out? I mean, what's the worst-case scenario -- someone finds your profile, goes up to you, and asks, "Hey, are you on OKCupid?" If this happened (which is very unlikely), couldn't you just nonchalantly say, "Uh...yeah!"
Why be embarrassed about being a single person who's looking for a partner? Is it any more embarrassing than being a single person who's complacent about the situation and has no interest in finding a partner? If I know of a friend who's single and actively looking, I think: "Hey, good for him/her." Do that many people really look down on it?? What percentage of your friends do you think use these sites? I'll bet a very high percentage.
It sort of reminds me of the way people will buy toilet paper at the store but then try to hide it so no one sees them buying it. On the one hand, yes, it's kinda personal. But one the other hand, there's nothing wrong with it, it's so commonplace that no one will really care, and it would be more embarrassing if you didn't buy toilet paper!
As for the bisexuality thing, I've noticed that about 25% of women on OKCupid list themselves as bisexual for some reason, so it might not even be noticed. (Oddly, there's only a tiny percentage of women who describe themselves as "looking for men and women" on sites that use that language.) If you really don't want to list it, then put "straight" but actively seek out girls (if you feel like it).
Just make sure you don't include your name. And I wouldn't put your university either. That shouldn't be a drawback, since it's always a good idea not to put that private info in your profile. As long as you do that, people won't find you through Google. The only way they'll find it is if they are using OKCupid and searching for people within your parameters (or maybe with your interests). And if they're doing that ... well ... wouldn't it be a tad hypocritical to fault you for doing the same?!
As you suggest, people who have online profiles without photos aren't really trying very hard. I don't mean that in a positive sense, like "they're laid back and not stressing it too much." I mean they can't expect very good results because they didn't really give it a shot. Though-experiment: say you're a really attractive, interesting, and intelligent straight guy. Would you spend your time searching for photos with no photos? I don't think so.
posted by jejune at 4:17 PM on February 24, 2008
Why be embarrassed about being a single person who's looking for a partner? Is it any more embarrassing than being a single person who's complacent about the situation and has no interest in finding a partner? If I know of a friend who's single and actively looking, I think: "Hey, good for him/her." Do that many people really look down on it?? What percentage of your friends do you think use these sites? I'll bet a very high percentage.
It sort of reminds me of the way people will buy toilet paper at the store but then try to hide it so no one sees them buying it. On the one hand, yes, it's kinda personal. But one the other hand, there's nothing wrong with it, it's so commonplace that no one will really care, and it would be more embarrassing if you didn't buy toilet paper!
As for the bisexuality thing, I've noticed that about 25% of women on OKCupid list themselves as bisexual for some reason, so it might not even be noticed. (Oddly, there's only a tiny percentage of women who describe themselves as "looking for men and women" on sites that use that language.) If you really don't want to list it, then put "straight" but actively seek out girls (if you feel like it).
Just make sure you don't include your name. And I wouldn't put your university either. That shouldn't be a drawback, since it's always a good idea not to put that private info in your profile. As long as you do that, people won't find you through Google. The only way they'll find it is if they are using OKCupid and searching for people within your parameters (or maybe with your interests). And if they're doing that ... well ... wouldn't it be a tad hypocritical to fault you for doing the same?!
As you suggest, people who have online profiles without photos aren't really trying very hard. I don't mean that in a positive sense, like "they're laid back and not stressing it too much." I mean they can't expect very good results because they didn't really give it a shot. Though-experiment: say you're a really attractive, interesting, and intelligent straight guy. Would you spend your time searching for photos with no photos? I don't think so.
posted by jejune at 4:17 PM on February 24, 2008
What would be wrong if they did find out? I mean, what's the worst-case scenario -- someone finds your profile, goes up to you, and asks, "Hey, are you on OKCupid?" If this happened (which is very unlikely), couldn't you just nonchalantly say, "Uh...yeah!"
Teaching at a university you teach a lot of people, and are an object of intense curiosity from some of them. And in some cases, an object of intense feelings (eg feeling wronged by your grading, feeling singled out in class, etc) that you as the teacher may not even be aware of. There are a lot of students in university who are not terrifically grown-up about drawing boundaries in their lives, or recognizing appropriate behavior. (This is fine and normal, they're learning.) And these are the ones who are not mentally ill in some way (college means pressure and loneliness and is also at an age when some mental illnesses start to manifest, so there's a disproportionate amount of mental illness on campuses -- it's usually just depression, but there's also some other-directed stuff in the mix).
Also bear in mind the phenomenon of the group egging each other on, and all living in dorms together etc, where photoshopping a funny naked pic of a teacher, or spreading rumors or whatever (so that after a while they're openly giggling in class) become more fun and socially rewarding.
I'm not saying these things are likely, I'm just saying that the worst case scenario is pretty uncomfortable. Universities are like submarines, close environments where if you fart everybody will know it sooner rather than later. It's not crazy to take steps to minimize the amount of info available about you to the inquisitive surfer.
posted by LobsterMitten at 4:34 PM on February 24, 2008
Teaching at a university you teach a lot of people, and are an object of intense curiosity from some of them. And in some cases, an object of intense feelings (eg feeling wronged by your grading, feeling singled out in class, etc) that you as the teacher may not even be aware of. There are a lot of students in university who are not terrifically grown-up about drawing boundaries in their lives, or recognizing appropriate behavior. (This is fine and normal, they're learning.) And these are the ones who are not mentally ill in some way (college means pressure and loneliness and is also at an age when some mental illnesses start to manifest, so there's a disproportionate amount of mental illness on campuses -- it's usually just depression, but there's also some other-directed stuff in the mix).
Also bear in mind the phenomenon of the group egging each other on, and all living in dorms together etc, where photoshopping a funny naked pic of a teacher, or spreading rumors or whatever (so that after a while they're openly giggling in class) become more fun and socially rewarding.
I'm not saying these things are likely, I'm just saying that the worst case scenario is pretty uncomfortable. Universities are like submarines, close environments where if you fart everybody will know it sooner rather than later. It's not crazy to take steps to minimize the amount of info available about you to the inquisitive surfer.
posted by LobsterMitten at 4:34 PM on February 24, 2008
Post a photo, but make it a very silly and unidentifiable one- i.e., with a tux and mirror sunglasses doing a headstand on a park bench, or false moustache and derby and up to your neck in bubble bath. Hang semi-naked from a tree with army cam-stick on! The thing is, as long as you post *any* photo, half the Fear Of The Unknown is gone, and if you assure the reader that more photos are available, they will be more likely to consider you as a potential date. No photo at all is just plain scary. Good luck with it.
posted by fish tick at 4:47 PM on February 24, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by fish tick at 4:47 PM on February 24, 2008 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I'm going to go against the grain here and say that you should go ahead and do it. Yes, your students might see it. So might your co-workers. But I think you need to get past the idea that your specific situation is the root of the problem. In a few years, you'll still have people looking up to you as an authority figure...maybe they'll be more students, maybe they'll be subordinates, maybe they'll be junior colleagues. There is no escape; post something personal about yourself online, and someone it wasn't intended for is going to find it.
So you're on a dating site...and that reveals a certain personal vulnerability that teachers don't usually confess to their students. You want more love in your life. You want more sex. But really...so does everyone else.
We are entering a new era in which this sort of thing is just not going to be a big deal anymore.
That being said, the Nerve personals network (i.e. fastcupid) is not that expensive, and it's a more or less walled garden, i.e. anyone who finds your profile will have had to post their own.
posted by bingo at 5:25 PM on February 24, 2008 [1 favorite]
So you're on a dating site...and that reveals a certain personal vulnerability that teachers don't usually confess to their students. You want more love in your life. You want more sex. But really...so does everyone else.
We are entering a new era in which this sort of thing is just not going to be a big deal anymore.
That being said, the Nerve personals network (i.e. fastcupid) is not that expensive, and it's a more or less walled garden, i.e. anyone who finds your profile will have had to post their own.
posted by bingo at 5:25 PM on February 24, 2008 [1 favorite]
I went out on a date with a public defender who had no profile. She mailed me a very long messages & explained her reason for not having a profile. So you can always browse.
However I think that being a public defender is a much better reason to not have an online dating profile than being a TA. I think you should just post it.
posted by Wood at 6:15 PM on February 24, 2008
However I think that being a public defender is a much better reason to not have an online dating profile than being a TA. I think you should just post it.
posted by Wood at 6:15 PM on February 24, 2008
No offense, zeph, but you're a dog. On the internet, nobody knows that—unless you post a picture.
posted by Crabby Appleton at 8:44 PM on February 24, 2008
posted by Crabby Appleton at 8:44 PM on February 24, 2008
This anecdote isn't going to make you feel better, but here goes.
It's absolutely possible that one of your students will find the profile and make a deal out of it. I know this because some years ago when I was in high school, we had a fairly unattractive assistant debate coach. He was overweight, a bit socially awkward, and sometimes came across as pompous, and as a result, he just didn't have anyone's respect.
Well, needless to say he was also single, so he put a profile up on Yahoo! personals. A particularly obnoxious kid a few grades below me found it, showed it to everyone, and was basically cruel about the whole thing. Some kids sent him fake responses and all that, and I'm pretty sure he found out what was going on. He never said anything about it, but I suspect it hurt his feelings.
So yeah, it can happen.
Now, keep in mind your situation may not turn out that way. For example, you might not be as unattractive (on all counts) as this guy was. You might have more respect from your students than he did. Sad to say, but that stuff does matter. Undergraduate students are also, on the whole, more mature than 15 year old boys and all that.
Still, there are plenty of immature undergraduate students. There are always people that, even if you're well-liked, will find something like that and run with it because they want attention. There are always people, no matter what their age, that will be eager to give you crap for being bisexual, especially since you certainly have some conservative students. There are always people that forget that their teachers and TAs are real people with lives outside the classroom.
It's up to you if you are willing to take that risk. Personally, I'm inclined to say screw the students and don't hide yourself for fear of what they'll think. However, I'm very thick-skinned about that sort of thing. If you're not, it may weigh more heavily in the decision.
posted by Nattie at 9:03 PM on February 24, 2008
It's absolutely possible that one of your students will find the profile and make a deal out of it. I know this because some years ago when I was in high school, we had a fairly unattractive assistant debate coach. He was overweight, a bit socially awkward, and sometimes came across as pompous, and as a result, he just didn't have anyone's respect.
Well, needless to say he was also single, so he put a profile up on Yahoo! personals. A particularly obnoxious kid a few grades below me found it, showed it to everyone, and was basically cruel about the whole thing. Some kids sent him fake responses and all that, and I'm pretty sure he found out what was going on. He never said anything about it, but I suspect it hurt his feelings.
So yeah, it can happen.
Now, keep in mind your situation may not turn out that way. For example, you might not be as unattractive (on all counts) as this guy was. You might have more respect from your students than he did. Sad to say, but that stuff does matter. Undergraduate students are also, on the whole, more mature than 15 year old boys and all that.
Still, there are plenty of immature undergraduate students. There are always people that, even if you're well-liked, will find something like that and run with it because they want attention. There are always people, no matter what their age, that will be eager to give you crap for being bisexual, especially since you certainly have some conservative students. There are always people that forget that their teachers and TAs are real people with lives outside the classroom.
It's up to you if you are willing to take that risk. Personally, I'm inclined to say screw the students and don't hide yourself for fear of what they'll think. However, I'm very thick-skinned about that sort of thing. If you're not, it may weigh more heavily in the decision.
posted by Nattie at 9:03 PM on February 24, 2008
Do you have to post a picture of yourself, or can you post a picture of something you find humorous, beautiful or interesting? If you do that, you can still have something shiny to catch the eye of a curious lady or feller, while still maintaining your relative anonymity.
I don't have any experience with dating sites per se, but it's my preferred MO for social networking sites in general.
posted by louche mustachio at 12:15 AM on February 25, 2008
I don't have any experience with dating sites per se, but it's my preferred MO for social networking sites in general.
posted by louche mustachio at 12:15 AM on February 25, 2008
I'm uneasy at the thought of people being interested in me until they see what I look like
I personally am more wary of posting a photo because I'm uneasy at the thought of people being interested in my only because of what I look like. If your goal in this is to have some sort of ongoing thing with someone, people who won't be interested in you due to your looks should be eliminated from your consideration as soon as possible. What an advantage that you can filter them out early on and never have any contact with these people whatsoever!
OKcupid's default search options seem to be for profiles with pictures, so you might want to put up some sort of picture if showing up in the maximum number of other people's searches is important to you. You can put up a fuzzy picture of yourself in sunglasses if you like, or make yourself a mask with your eyes peering out and "mail me for more photos" written on it.
I think being in a public role needs to be taken into consideration when you think about what information you put out there to be found, whatever it is. You can't control what your students think of how you grade them though -- if people are going to assume bias, they can easily do so based on things they know about you already. Someone might think you are biased due to gender, or race, or because you are short/tall/wear black shoes/use colored chalk/etc. If you might face some personal or professional danger based on being bisexual where you live, you do need to be careful of that. Assume that someone you know will find you on OKcupid, lots of people look at dating sites even if they don't join or want to do online dating themselves.
Reading your question once more, there is an undertone that you are concerned that students might find your grading unfair. You can stop fretting about this, I guarantee you that at least one student will think your grading is unfair, no matter what you do. Does it really matter if they think they got an unfair grade because you are such a meanie, and they had a really good excuse, and it's just so not fair! ... or for some other reason?
posted by yohko at 9:51 AM on February 25, 2008
I personally am more wary of posting a photo because I'm uneasy at the thought of people being interested in my only because of what I look like. If your goal in this is to have some sort of ongoing thing with someone, people who won't be interested in you due to your looks should be eliminated from your consideration as soon as possible. What an advantage that you can filter them out early on and never have any contact with these people whatsoever!
OKcupid's default search options seem to be for profiles with pictures, so you might want to put up some sort of picture if showing up in the maximum number of other people's searches is important to you. You can put up a fuzzy picture of yourself in sunglasses if you like, or make yourself a mask with your eyes peering out and "mail me for more photos" written on it.
I think being in a public role needs to be taken into consideration when you think about what information you put out there to be found, whatever it is. You can't control what your students think of how you grade them though -- if people are going to assume bias, they can easily do so based on things they know about you already. Someone might think you are biased due to gender, or race, or because you are short/tall/wear black shoes/use colored chalk/etc. If you might face some personal or professional danger based on being bisexual where you live, you do need to be careful of that. Assume that someone you know will find you on OKcupid, lots of people look at dating sites even if they don't join or want to do online dating themselves.
Reading your question once more, there is an undertone that you are concerned that students might find your grading unfair. You can stop fretting about this, I guarantee you that at least one student will think your grading is unfair, no matter what you do. Does it really matter if they think they got an unfair grade because you are such a meanie, and they had a really good excuse, and it's just so not fair! ... or for some other reason?
posted by yohko at 9:51 AM on February 25, 2008
Are the OKCupid profiles googleable? If they're not, and you have to log in to view/find people, then I think it's highly unlikely that any of your undergrads will find you there.
They generally are, but there's a box on one of the settings pages that you can check that will make your profile visible only to other users of the site. After that, no google hits (and google would pretty much only pick you up if someone searching for you knew your username), and anyone wanting to see your profile would have to have an account on OKCupid as well. That might alleviate your concerns about students randomly stumbling upon your profile, since they'd have to be on the site as well.
Do you have to post a picture of yourself, or can you post a picture of something you find humorous, beautiful or interesting?
That's a pretty big no-no for OKCupid, although it won't get your account deleted unless you're a habitual offender.
posted by LionIndex at 9:59 AM on February 25, 2008
They generally are, but there's a box on one of the settings pages that you can check that will make your profile visible only to other users of the site. After that, no google hits (and google would pretty much only pick you up if someone searching for you knew your username), and anyone wanting to see your profile would have to have an account on OKCupid as well. That might alleviate your concerns about students randomly stumbling upon your profile, since they'd have to be on the site as well.
Do you have to post a picture of yourself, or can you post a picture of something you find humorous, beautiful or interesting?
That's a pretty big no-no for OKCupid, although it won't get your account deleted unless you're a habitual offender.
posted by LionIndex at 9:59 AM on February 25, 2008
Anecdotal evidence here: My boyfriend is a PhD student and TA at a local university, and I met him on okc. It's never been a problem for him with his students, and he's found profiles of senior faculty members in his department on the same site. It's not really a big deal.
posted by booknerd at 10:35 AM on February 25, 2008
posted by booknerd at 10:35 AM on February 25, 2008
Response by poster: Wow, thanks so much for all the input, everyone - it truly has been helpful to hear such intelligent and helpful advice from -both- sides of the matter. When it comes down to it, as most of you have been saying, I suppose there's no true "right" or "wrong" answer here, it really just depends on how comfortable and able I am to deal with any repercussions if any of my students did find my profile. I guess part of me realized that all along, but I really needed to hear it from other folks - AND I think I was afraid that maybe there were a million and one anecdotes of horrible things happening to folks in similar situations because they went ahead and took a chance; I'm truly glad that (with few exceptions) doesn't seem to be the case.
After having considered everything you've all had to say, I think I will cross my fingers and post my picture - but before doing so I'm going to really scrutinize what I'm saying in my profile to make sure that I am comfortable in standing behind it even if anybody - student, colleague, whomever - ever does find it. I think I'll rest a whole lot easier with that decision now due to all the input I've gotten here, so thanks again, everyone. Here's hoping! =)
(and Crabby Appleton, I must admit I'd forgotten I'd posted a picture of my dog in my profile here, so that comment of yours did get a laugh from me (after an initial "hey!") ... and yohko, while I certainly agree with you that I don't want people getting in touch because of how I look, eh, I seriously doubt that's going to be the case - again, I'm no Helen of Troy and as such I simply don't want to deal with people who are -expecting- that I am and then shy away upon learning I'm just kinda normal ... feh, I just don't need that, you know?)
posted by zeph at 11:28 AM on February 25, 2008
After having considered everything you've all had to say, I think I will cross my fingers and post my picture - but before doing so I'm going to really scrutinize what I'm saying in my profile to make sure that I am comfortable in standing behind it even if anybody - student, colleague, whomever - ever does find it. I think I'll rest a whole lot easier with that decision now due to all the input I've gotten here, so thanks again, everyone. Here's hoping! =)
(and Crabby Appleton, I must admit I'd forgotten I'd posted a picture of my dog in my profile here, so that comment of yours did get a laugh from me (after an initial "hey!") ... and yohko, while I certainly agree with you that I don't want people getting in touch because of how I look, eh, I seriously doubt that's going to be the case - again, I'm no Helen of Troy and as such I simply don't want to deal with people who are -expecting- that I am and then shy away upon learning I'm just kinda normal ... feh, I just don't need that, you know?)
posted by zeph at 11:28 AM on February 25, 2008
I'm no Helen of Troy and as such I simply don't want to deal with people who are -expecting- that I am and then shy away upon learning I'm just kinda normal ... feh, I just don't need that, you know?)
It's no fun to be confronted with the fact that someone doesn't find you attractive, but remember
(a) It's not always a reflection on you - everyone has their taste and there's little right or wrong about it.
(2) You're SO much better off without those people who shy away anyway. It may not soften the initial sting but there's (several) someone for everyone, why lose sleep over the shallow or jerky?
posted by phearlez at 8:44 AM on February 26, 2008
It's no fun to be confronted with the fact that someone doesn't find you attractive, but remember
(a) It's not always a reflection on you - everyone has their taste and there's little right or wrong about it.
(2) You're SO much better off without those people who shy away anyway. It may not soften the initial sting but there's (several) someone for everyone, why lose sleep over the shallow or jerky?
posted by phearlez at 8:44 AM on February 26, 2008
I'm no Helen of Troy and as such I simply don't want to deal with people who are -expecting- that I am and then shy away upon learning I'm just kinda normal
It seems to me (and I could be wrong) that you are positing this as a reason not to post a picture. First of all, I doubt that many people are expecting to meet Helen of Troy doing online dating. Secondly, if someone sees your picture and doesn't have any further interest, you will never meet them, never know what they thought of your picture. I think this would be far preferable to going on a date with that hypothetical individual who will shallowly reject you for your looks. Spend your time going on dates with people who have already seen a picture of you.
posted by yohko at 12:00 PM on February 26, 2008
It seems to me (and I could be wrong) that you are positing this as a reason not to post a picture. First of all, I doubt that many people are expecting to meet Helen of Troy doing online dating. Secondly, if someone sees your picture and doesn't have any further interest, you will never meet them, never know what they thought of your picture. I think this would be far preferable to going on a date with that hypothetical individual who will shallowly reject you for your looks. Spend your time going on dates with people who have already seen a picture of you.
posted by yohko at 12:00 PM on February 26, 2008
OkCupid is an alright site, but the default search filters out pics. I think the pics are useful in some respects, because you really can't filter out the animal attraction which, like it or not, still matters and probably will for eons more. Of course, a guy's gonna find out what you look like sooner or later, but a good one will read your profile too. Interesting people will get contacted by people who find them interesting. But having no pics is listed on the site as a reason to "be suspicious" when you're contacted. And so you might be contacting people who are immediately warned they should be suspicious, and that's no good.
I understand your fear about your students finding out, but as long as you're not breaking school rules or doing crazy stuff like taking The How Much Do you LOVE giving head Test, you should be fine.
posted by iBulk at 8:46 AM on May 5, 2008
I understand your fear about your students finding out, but as long as you're not breaking school rules or doing crazy stuff like taking The How Much Do you LOVE giving head Test, you should be fine.
posted by iBulk at 8:46 AM on May 5, 2008
This thread is closed to new comments.
Also, undergrads in general don't use online dating services, right? What with them being ready to lay anything that moves? So anyone who finds you on a dating service is looking for someone like you and is not especially likely to negatively exploit any new facts about you.
posted by infinitewindow at 1:27 PM on February 24, 2008