Do I have to tell Mom?

February 18, 2008 2:43 PM

How do I tell my mother that I don't intend to have a relationship with my brother?

To say that my older brother and I have a bad relationship is an understatement. He was extremely violent towards me when we were kids; think being beaten up daily. He was also psychologically abusive by doing things like calling me a "slut" when I was 10 and not even sexually active. He left home when he was 18 and I began to breathe again. In the last 20 years, I've seen him maybe a dozen times. When we happen to be in the same place at the same time, he doesn't look at me even if I speak directly to him. No, he's never apologized.

Today, I don't wish him ill. I hope he gets his shit together. I just don't want to have any sort of relationship with him because of the years of violence when we were kids. I don't trust him and don't see any obligation to visit with him.

The issue is that he occasionally mentions to our mother that he never hears from me. She then tells me to be the bigger person and give him a call. She acknowledges that relationships take effort on both sides and that he doesn't even reach out to her.

How do I tell her I don't want a relationship with him when I really don't want to get into the details as to why I don't want a relationship with him? I don't want to hurt her or make her feel like she's failed us because two of her kids have a broken relationship.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (32 answers total)

Well just tell her. It will hurt, being sad news, but with proper explanation (a good example of said explanation is given in your post) you can explain to her that it's not her fault, or that you forgie her, or whatever.

The longer this goes on, the more stress it will cause on your mom and brother - this is deleterious on him getting his shit together. It's quite important to be honest with people who behave dysfunctionally so they can correct it.
posted by By The Grace of God at 2:48 PM on February 18, 2008

Why can't you just flat out tell your mother that you don't want a relationship with your brother? This isn't an issue of "being the bigger person." It's much deeper and more painful than that it seems. Blood doesn't necessarily make you family and your brother has proven that. I think the best way is just to be frank and straight forward. After the years of abuse, you have no obligation to anyone to tip toe around the subject. The sooner you do it, the sooner you can start moving on. Also I would think it might be a good idea to tell your mother that you don't want her to mention him to you in the future.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 2:48 PM on February 18, 2008

Tell her the truth.
posted by konolia at 2:48 PM on February 18, 2008 [3 favorites]

Mom, let's talk about this. I am sorry, but I don't want a relationship with my brother. He was extremely violent towards me when we were kids; think being beaten up daily. He was also psychologically abusive by doing things like calling me a "slut" when I was 10 and not even sexually active. He left home when he was 18 and I began to breathe again. I have no desire to have a relationship with him, although I don't wish him ill. It is too late for a relationship between us. Please respect my decision.
posted by milarepa at 2:50 PM on February 18, 2008

Maybe she has failed you a little bit because two of her kids have a broken relationship. Did she not see any of this awful behavior happening? If she truly didn't, stop being the victim here. You don't have to hide from your mom that your brother was a complete asshole to you. If she feels as if you need to be friendly with a complete asshole based solely on the fact that he is your brother... well just know that she is wrong.
posted by pwally at 2:51 PM on February 18, 2008 [2 favorites]

If you come from a family like mine, and you tell your mother the truth, you risk having your absolutely valid feeling about this situation being minimised, eg "oh, you're too sensitive, that was years ago, just grow up" etc. However, I'm all for the strategy where you say your piece once, and then just repeat a truthful statement until they drop the topic. I like what milarepa said, and then when/if you get a crap response or any argument, you can repeat, "this is how I feel, please respect my decision."

You can't control how your mother feels, and you're certainly not responsible for it in these circumstances. I think the truth is a much healthier approach than protecting the guilty for the sake of the innocent.
posted by b33j at 3:01 PM on February 18, 2008 [3 favorites]

Read out what you just wrote, to her.
posted by fire&wings at 3:06 PM on February 18, 2008

Make polite noncommittal noises and mutter something about time and just never bother to call your brother.

or

Tell your mom that you don't want to call your brother. You're already being the bigger person by not wishing him ill.
posted by desuetude at 3:12 PM on February 18, 2008

I agree with everyone else that honesty is the best policy. But, you can keep it simple if you think too much information would hurt her. Just let her know that due to some events in the past which you'd rather not discuss, you've made the choice not to speak with him anymore. Let her know that it's not something your comfortable talking about further, and that your mind is made up.

Be sure to call or write to your brother. Tell him to stop bringing this up with your mom. It's not fair to put her in the middle. Let him know that you have made up your mind and that his efforts are only hurting your mother without helping his cause. Don't let him continue to distress her with constant reminders of this situation.
posted by Help, I can't stop talking! at 3:13 PM on February 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

Tell her that you don't want to interact with your brother - period. If she presses for details, give them, but in as much a manner as possible so as to not overwhelm her. You are under NO obligation to someone who has treated you so badly. Unless your brother drops to his knees, begs for your forgiveness, and demonstrates that he has learned from his past and will never treat you badly again, it sounds to me like you're better off just ignoring him forever. You have virtually nothing to gain by interacting with him. If your mother can't understand that, well...too bad for mom. And make sure that she knows that your feelings about brother do not reflect on your feelings towards her, to the extent that it is true.
posted by davidmsc at 3:25 PM on February 18, 2008

I'll Nth the advice that you just tell her the truth, and explain briefly.

Since you're commenting anonymously we probably won't find out, but I'm still curious: has your brother been trying to contact you? Or is his complaint to your mother some kind of passive-aggressive move? If he has been trying to contact you, I suggest you let it be known through a third party that you want him to cut it out.
posted by adamrice at 3:25 PM on February 18, 2008

Mothers can be in denial about a lot of things when it comes to their kids. No one likes to think that they might have caused injury to their own kid, even when it was the other kid doing the injuring. If you tell her, be prepared for her to claim not to believe you, or to play it down. She might not be able to accept what happened to you. She might think that if you two kids reconcile, then it wasn't so bad.

You might have to just understand that you can't always have your parents' approval. You might just have to disappoint your mom. If she doesn't believe you, then she'd be disappointing you, so this situation likely will not turn out to be win-win no matter what. It seems best to try and talk to her about what happened if you're able, and if she won't listen then try to just have her understand that you're an adult, you have your reasons, and she will have to live with that. If you're lucky, your mom will be able to realize that you're not a kid any more, at the least.
posted by veronitron at 3:25 PM on February 18, 2008

No, I don't think honesty is appropriate at all, unless you have an extremely open and communicative family. You'll set yourself up for more recrimination, more hassles . . . And the dysfunctional knot will grow tighter.

I'd try the indirect approach. Tell your Mom that you agree you should call him, but you're unable due to, say, unhealed feelings about an old falling out or dispute. Or that you don't agree with his politics. Or that you're too busy.

The point is, try to defuse this discussion and let all parties forget about it, and accept that you won't make contact.
posted by Gordion Knott at 3:28 PM on February 18, 2008

On preview, I disagree with Help, I can't stop talking! Don't contact your brother. If he was such a bully to you growing up, he might still be pleased to hear that you're aggravated by his current actions, and he could step up the talks to your mom. He might make the situation worse, just because he knows that he can still torment you, through your mother. Just talk to your mother.
posted by veronitron at 3:29 PM on February 18, 2008

She probably already feels like she's failed because the two of you have a broken relationship. At least if she knows (and accepts) the truth she'll know it's only one of her children who is a jerk, rather than two. Of course, she may be more disappointed than ever, but you'll have tried.
posted by katemonster at 3:31 PM on February 18, 2008

It's not fair to put her in the middle.

It's not? Shouldn't she have been "in the middle" back when this abuse was taking place?

Let him know that you have made up your mind and that his efforts are only hurting your mother without helping his cause. Don't let him continue to distress her with constant reminders of this situation.

I don't think you need to be overly careful about your mother's feeling's on this. If she is hurt it is NOT YOUR FAULT. Any pain she feels in response to this news is NOT because of anything that YOU did. You must not feel guilty for this. Being straightforward but keeping it simple with your mom seems to me the best way to go, and your mom and brother can work out their dynamic themselves.

I understand not wanting to hurt a parent who tried their best but just wasn't fully up to the task, if that's the case here, but it's not your job to shelter her on everything (you're the kid, she's the parent!), so if that's why you're hesitant to let her know, free yourself from that obligation.

If she is dismissive just repeat the practical part of the answer and move on ("I've made the decision. Please don't pass on messages from him anymore.") If she is emotional, you have various options about how you want to handle that - whether you want to try to really work through it with her, or whether you want to put it aside. Whichever you choose you just need to make it clear to your mother where you stand, and be clear about your own boundaries.
posted by mdn at 3:33 PM on February 18, 2008

A good friend was in a similar situation. She told her parents about the brother's abuse. They did not believe her, and after finally admitting that it was probably true, act as if it was no big deal. It has destroyed her relationship with any of them. Be prepared for this and have a therapist on standby.
posted by desjardins at 3:36 PM on February 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

[the parents] act as if [the abuse] was no big deal - sorry if that wasn't clear.
posted by desjardins at 3:37 PM on February 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

Your mother allowed your brother to act this way towards you so it is quite largely her fault. But she cannot expect you to fix it just so she feels better about her mothering skills and she needs to understand that. If she wants the relationship "fixed" that is unfortunately tough cookies.

Be polite but be firm. This is not time to be fake-nice and try to save her feelings. Tell her that you had a horrible childhood as a result of his actions and her allowing him to act that way and that, while you fogive her, you do not forgive him and do not want to see him.

If you were in my family that would cause about 9 weeks of telephone calls, tut-tutting, letters, emails and appeals to your better nature. But evantually they have to accept your decision. That or I just stop answering my cell!
posted by fshgrl at 3:37 PM on February 18, 2008

If I were in your shoes, I'd follow Help, I can't stop talking!'s advice, but not make any real declaration of hostilities. Send your brother a note asking him to not put your mother in the middle/ complain. Dear Bro, No hard feelings, but we just don't get along. There's no reason to bring this up to mom. She wants us to have a relationship. So let's just not say much and let her be happy. Merry Christmas, Happy Easter, et cetera. Tell your mom, look, we don't get along. I'm not saying I never want to know him, but he has to change first.

Both my parents had a sibling they just could not have a relationship with. It doesn't need to be ugly or angry, and there's no reason for finality. Your brother might have a life changing event, you might need a kidney. Or you might just develop a comfortable distance. My Dad and his sister occasionally send cards to show there's no ill will, but they really bring out the worst in each other. After years of bitter feuding, each decided minimal contact was best. If they met at a party they'd probably say hi, chat and go their separate ways.

I love all four of my brothers and sisters, but there are two who will never be friends. They haven't seen each other in years, but they keep us out of it.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 3:40 PM on February 18, 2008

I would just say sure, "Sure mom, I'll call when I get a chance." I'd never get a chance.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 3:55 PM on February 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

I agree with 23skidoo and JohnnyGunn.
posted by spec80 at 4:20 PM on February 18, 2008

As above, just tell her you'll call and then don't.
posted by chunking express at 4:21 PM on February 18, 2008

Based on your descriptions of your brother, I would strongly advise not contacting him at all about this issue.

He does not sound like the sort of person who would follow such a request, and if anything, it would be letting him know that he still has a way to upset you....through your mother.

I know that you don't want your mother to be involved at all, but unfortunately her communication with your brother is something that she will have to handle.
posted by Squee at 4:23 PM on February 18, 2008

When we happen to be in the same place at the same time, he doesn't look at me even if I speak directly to him.
It's possible he's consumed with guilt over how he treated you. How does he treat his wife and family? If he did sincerely apologise, how would you take it?

You're now nearly 40, I expect, so your mother's somewhere between 60 and 80? At some point relatively soon, you are going to need to deal with (if not see) your brother again, to fulfil such duties to your mother as you are prepared to accept. You'll need to make decisions for your mother's care in her advancing age, and make arrangements when she dies. You can do a lot of this without ever seeing him yourself, of course - deal with him in writing, through a lawyer, through your partner or a friend, through his partner or his friend, etc.

My advice is, at least let everyone know where they stand. Tell your mother exactly why you don't see him, put it in writing, and CC him, if you know his address. Explain in this letter the circumstances under which you will deal with your brother. This will hurt her, and will make her feel to some extent that she has failed. Because she has failed. Clearly it's mostly your brother's fault, but still, a mother has some obligation to see what goes on between her children, and not seeing daily beatings is a gross failure of that obligation.

As per the usual AskMeFi advice, seek therapy, and ask your therapist if it would help for him/her to contact your mother (and possibly your brother) at some point.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 5:01 PM on February 18, 2008

Tell her what you told us. It sounds to me like your mother is lucky that you have maintained the relationship with *her*, I mean, where was she while this was going on, for pity's sake. You just need to be firm but respectful. Once you've explained your feelings the first time, you don't need to repeat it or justify it. Just "Mom, I'm not going to do that, I'm sorry if you find that difficult to deal with."

I'm also someone who had to cut off contact with a close relative, albeit for very different reasons. It's a terrible and wrenching thing to do, and your mother needs to understand that you don't make this decision lightly, but that she needs to respect it.

Good luck.
posted by nax at 5:17 PM on February 18, 2008

"I know I'm projecting my own family issues onto yours, but my advice is:

Lie."

Yup. I agree. There is no way that your mom couldn't have known what was going on. And, if your family is anything like mine - or any of the other posters here who gave the same advice - then you are far more likely to be hurt by your mom's response than helped.

Save yourself the trouble and just avoid it. The (probably only) great thing about people is that if you ignore them they will go away.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 5:39 PM on February 18, 2008

For me, it would depend upon my relatonship with my mother and whether I thought she could handle the truth. If she was in denial about the childhood years, I'd know it and I'd likely know whether she wanted could hear about the problems.

Based upon your opening statements, I am leaning toward changing the subject and/or lying, sorry to say.

m
posted by tcv at 6:15 PM on February 18, 2008

I could have asked this question myself. I grew up in very similar surroundings, and now as an adult, I have flat out told my parents I am not interested in a relationship with my brother. It makes my mother a little sad, but she understands and respects my decision. I hope you will have similar success with your parents.
posted by polyester.lumberjack at 6:59 PM on February 18, 2008

This might be horribly tacky to bring up, but if there might be some sort of inheritance when your mom dies, it might be best for the entire family if she understands in some minimal way at least what went on between you and your brother. Otherwise, she might make some unfortunate decisions about who should be executor of the estate, who should have power of attorney, and so forth. It might be best for her to use a third party for executor and power of attorney, such as her lawyer or someone at her bank.

My father didn't understand the depth of the problems between my brother and me. As a result I have had to threaten to bring in lawyers because it has been 7 years since my dad died and I still haven't received my share of his estate.
posted by PatoPata at 7:39 PM on February 18, 2008

My advice is to be the bigger person, but limiting it to this: polite hellos at family gatherings, listen politely when your mom gives you the guilt trip and leave it at that. Live in the present. If she presses the issue, tell her "my phone isn't broken, if he wants to talk to me, he can call me". I've found that line to be particularly effective when people pull that kind of garbage with me.
posted by gjc at 8:44 PM on February 18, 2008

Call her bluff. Your brother hasn't been saying that at all. She's just trying to trick you into making the first move! Fuck that. Apart from her nagging, things seem good for you the way they are. If she 'needs' you guys to be friends that's her problem.
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 10:15 PM on June 7, 2008