It's not you, it's me

February 10, 2008 1:36 PM

I unintentionally led someone on, how do I best let them down?

I messed up and now I need to mitigate the damage. A guy from work that I met through other work acquaintances has asked me out maybe three times over the last two months and I've gone to dinner and coffee with him. I didn't realize that these were dates until recently- I thought he was gay and we were just hanging out as friends. A mutual friend just informed me that he's not, he has a major crush on me, and he thinks we've been going on dates.

So now what do I do? This is clearly my fault- I should have figured it out earlier and taken some action to head him off at the pass. But what's done is done, and now it needs to be fixed. I want to say something along the lines of "Hey, I think we make really good friends but I'm not interested in a romantic relationship." But how do I account for the fact that I have gone on dates with him, at least as far as he's concerned? I clearly can't say I thought he was gay. I want to be as honest as possible but I also want to be tactful and minimize damage. And I would like to remain friends, if possible.

The fact that I know him from work isn't really an issue- the place is huge and I can go at least a week without running into him in the hallway. We also don't work together at all, but we have mutual friends and I don't want to either mess up those friendships for me or to do something that will embarrass him in front of his friends.

I'll take any ideas you have! I would especially like to hear from people who've been on either side of this situation and how you handled it.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (26 answers total)

Say "Hey, I think we make really good friends but I'm not interested in a romantic relationship."

Men are used to the idea that they will get 'shot down' on occasion when dating. Don't over apologize or over talk this. Just tell him the truth.

If you tell the truth, you never have to remember what you said.

However, you will unlikely be able to remain friends with him until his crush is over. If you do that, in his mind it will not be resolved, only that he must simply try harder. Continuing to go out for coffee with him will simply make it worse.
posted by Argyle at 1:49 PM on February 10, 2008

Whether or not they were dates is immaterial. Plenty of girls go on three dates with a guy and then decide he's not quite their type. Don't try to backwards correct it "See, I NEVER thought you were attractive and..." but more treat it like any guy you went on three dates with and there's no spark there. "I like talking to you and hanging out, but I'm not interested in a romantic relationship with you." You're telling him he's not your type. Don't go for "you're clueless and not my type."

I disagree that guys are used to getting shot down. If he's not trying to kiss you, hold your hand, be romantic enough for you to notice (unless you're flirt-clueless), he's likely not the smoothest character. But dragging it along, avoiding the issue or even just avoiding him is meaner than honesty.
posted by Gucky at 2:03 PM on February 10, 2008

Don't go out with him again. Call him and say "Hey, I just realized, you might have been thinking we're going on dates, when I thought we were just hanging out as friends. I'm sorry if I gave the wrong impression, but I'm not interested in dating you, so we probably shouldn't go again. Take care and I apologize again if I gave the wrong impression."

DO NOT say "Hey, I think we make really good friends but I'm not interested in a romantic relationship.", as it'll probably, in his mind, mean "Hey I have a chance, she wants to be friends!" Don't let that happen. Do not go out with him again, as it sends mixed signals. Don't bring up that you thought he was gay. Just tell the truth, you're not interested in dating him and stop going out with him.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:03 PM on February 10, 2008

I might feel differently if I knew this person, but from what you've said I don't see the harm in explaining that you thought he was gay. Clearly you don't feel any physical attraction to him. If he's not unattractive this shouldn't be insulting to him. If on the other hand, what you mean is that he's so fat or ugly that the idea he might be interested in you romantically seems preposterous to you, you should refrain from explaining that. :-)
posted by thomas144 at 2:07 PM on February 10, 2008

Muck as Argile said, guys are used to this. Just tell him.

But please, for the love of God, tell him the truth! This doesn't mean you have to tell him everything (depending on how you think he'd react you may or may not want to tell him you thought he was gay) but it does mean that you shouldn't tell him a fake reason for why you don't want to go out with him. Like, say you are interested in a romantic relation at the moment, just not with him. Don't tell him, "I'm not interested in dating anyone right now."

One thing I would add, though, is that you can certainly keep being friends with him. I am a guy, and I've been in situations similar to this guy's a number of times. I can say that at least as far as I'm concerned, dashed hopes plus a friend is better than just plain old dashed hopes.
posted by goingonit at 2:13 PM on February 10, 2008

Personally, I'd be much more humiliated if I had to be told that I woman I thought I was dating had no idea we were dating. Despite my overwhelming charm and stunning looks, I have on occasion been told after two or three dates that she's just not feeling it, and there will be no next date. I would think that any guy whose dated for any length of time is familiar with that ending, it can certainly suck but it's easy to bounce back from. Finding out that the woman I was wooing thought I was *gay*? Much longer recovery time. Significant questioning of my game, and possibly my manhood. Don't admit you didn't know he had romantic intentions, just give him the we-have-some-lovely-parting-gifts speech and move on.
posted by Banky_Edwards at 2:19 PM on February 10, 2008 [3 favorites]

If he's anything like me and you stop wanting to hang out with him because he has feelings for you, you'll make him feel like a leper. Tell him, but then don't stop being his friend unless he wants to stop. It's not like this fact changes how you feel about him as a friend, after all.

But don't say more than you need to. There's no need to get into his sexuality or attractiveness or anything, really. Just say you see him as a friend and you want to continue being friends. But I'm not even entirely sure something needs to be said -- he has a crush on you; it's not like he thinks you're "seeing each other" or anything. He's allowed to have a crush. If you're not flirting or kissing and he's never said a word to you about it, the kindest thing may be to just let it run its course without humiliating him. He may already be aware that it's going nowhere.

I'm sort of on the other side of this right now except the person has basically stopped talking to me and nicely told me in his last email "so, see you around" (ouch) so I'm long on what you shouldn't do to a person in my position.
posted by loiseau at 2:19 PM on February 10, 2008 [1 favorite]

"So, what do you and your boyfriend like to do on weekends?"

"Oh really?!"
posted by rhizome at 3:06 PM on February 10, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'd wait until he calls you back. If he asks you out, bring a male friend. If he continues to ask you out then spring it on him. Easier for embarassing moment for him. Your concern should be his ability to avoid embarassing moments.
posted by Ironmouth at 3:32 PM on February 10, 2008

It's not your fault. 3 times over the course of 2 months and nothing intimate/romantic has happened to imply it is anything but two friends hanging out? That's his fault for placing so many assumptions (that don't really seem grounded in reality based on your description) on you.

In my experience if the guy is only interested in sleeping with you, he'll get pissy about your lack of attraction to him and while he may claim to be cool with just being friends, if he hangs around he'll start to resent you. If he enjoys hanging out with you for reasons other than just potential action and doesn't feel entitled to an intimate relationship with you just because you're nice to him, he'll be fine with being friends.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 3:55 PM on February 10, 2008 [1 favorite]

I might feel differently if I knew this person, but from what you've said I don't see the harm in explaining that you thought he was gay.

Don't do this. Not that there's anything wrong with it, but a guy probably doesn't want to find out that his come-ons towards a woman come off as gay.
posted by Bookhouse at 4:01 PM on February 10, 2008 [1 favorite]

Yeah, I spend hours puking every time a girl tells me she thought I was straight.

> This is clearly my fault-

How so? Obviously, he hasn't tried to kiss you or anything. It's not your responsibility to divine his intentions. I think you're injecting a little drama where there doesn't need to be any. Just don't hang out with him alone anymore.
posted by roger ackroyd at 4:27 PM on February 10, 2008

He sounds like a pretty shy guy. You could be honest and risk hurting his feelings, but at the same time giving him advice on how to make it more clear to people in the future...

Or, you could take the easy way out. Get a boyfriend or circulate rumors of you having a boyfriend. Since he's been too shy, he'll just assume that he missed his window of opportunity for a few dates to become something more and that he should have acted faster.
posted by lockle at 4:39 PM on February 10, 2008

Or, you could take the easy way out. Get a boyfriend or circulate rumors of you having a boyfriend.

That's just mean.

Take everyone's advice that guys are used to hearing the occasional no, and would appreciate it more than wishy-washyness more than even they may know.

I've got a fairly attractive platonic female friend and I more or less browbeat her into giving guys who asked her out firm but friendly no's instead of making excuses and not only has it made her life a lot easier, she's had far less residual akwardness around any of the guys she has to then see again later.
posted by Silentgoldfish at 4:51 PM on February 10, 2008

It's not your fault. 3 times over the course of 2 months and nothing intimate/romantic has happened to imply it is anything but two friends hanging out? That's his fault for placing so many assumptions (that don't really seem grounded in reality based on your description) on you.

Exactly. You have nothing to feel bad about or apologize for. Now that you know what's been going on on his end (which you had no way of knowing before), you have two choices: keep going out when he asks (and clarify your feelings when that seems called for), or start declining his invites because you don't want to get to that point. Up to you. But it's not your fault he has a crush on you, and you shouldn't feel bad about it.

I don't see the harm in explaining that you thought he was gay.

I don't know if this is trolling or just cluelessness, but DO NOT DO THIS. Jesus. (In case it's simple cluelessness: dude, just because There's Nothing Wrong With Being Gay doesn't mean the average straight guy is cool with being thought gay.)
posted by languagehat at 5:37 PM on February 10, 2008

Don't feel so guilty about this. Going to dinner and having coffee together is NOT leading someone on! If you were flirting or seductive, then yes, you led him on, but casual dinners with a guy who you thought wasn't interested in you are not a sign that you want to be in a romance with some guy.
posted by jasper411 at 5:57 PM on February 10, 2008 [1 favorite]

Don't feel guilty; you weren't leading him on. Don't say anything, just change the tone of your relationship: instead of one-on-one dinners, go out with him and some mutual friends.

If he turns up the romance, then tell him that you're just not interested in him in that way.

This risks a derail, but I firmly disagree with languagehat; only a homophobe would intepret being genuinely mistaken for gay as an insult.
posted by Count Ziggurat at 6:24 PM on February 10, 2008

mandymanwasregistered: In my experience if the guy is only interested in sleeping with you, he'll get pissy about your lack of attraction to him and while he may claim to be cool with just being friends, if he hangs around he'll start to resent you. If he enjoys hanging out with you for reasons other than just potential action and doesn't feel entitled to an intimate relationship with you just because you're nice to him, he'll be fine with being friends.

That's just not true. Any resentment that might come up in the course of trying to be friends does NOT equal entitlement or frustration at lack of "action". That's so insulting to him. He could just be hurting. Liking someone and wanting to be their friend does not preclude having a sort heart that they don't love you, or want you to love them.

I suspect most of the people posting in this thread have ever been in this dude's position. Lucky for you. But -- stop hanging out with the guy alone? Huh? What has he done except feel more for her than she does for him? And now she needs protection from him? How condescending.
posted by loiseau at 7:21 PM on February 10, 2008 [1 favorite]

Don't tell him you thought he was gay. That's fucking stupid regardless of your position or his on the homophobe/homophile spectrum. When I break it off with someone I don't tell her "you're not as smart as I thought you were going to be" or "you tell awful and boring stories." I just say "You're attractive and interesting, but I'm not interested in a romantic relationship with you." Probably a little dishonest, but when you dump someone there's no reason to be cruel.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 9:14 PM on February 10, 2008

This risks a derail, but I firmly disagree with languagehat; only a homophobe would intepret being genuinely mistaken for gay as an insult.
posted by Count Ziggurat at 6:24 PM on February 10

No, it's an insult, because it says "your mating signals to me are so off-the-charts unappealing that I thought you were a man who only has sex with other men."
posted by Optimus Chyme at 9:17 PM on February 10, 2008 [1 favorite]

What does your mutual friend think? Since he told you about the other guy's crush, you could possibly have him relate that you like the guy, but gradually found you aren't interested in anything more. You probably aren't the first woman to let him down like that, and probably won't be the last, so don't feel too guilty about it.

We can all give our own personal preferences on how we'd want to be turned down, but everyone's different so it's hard to know exactly what he'd want. It might be easier to hear it from an in-between rather than you personally, especially if he's the shy type. After all, he hasn't told you personally that he had feelings for you, so he may handle the indirect approach a little better. Seems odd that such intermittent get-togethers would be enough to make him think they were dates, without staying in contact in between (or were you doing that too?)

I'm sure you've been on actual dates before and ultimately felt no attraction, so this really shouldn't be any different. And no, there's no need to tell him you thought he was gay. It would be humiliating, no matter how respectful he might be of homosexuality. You genuinely like the guy platonically, so at least boost his spirits a bit and let him know that's the case. And it'll be up to him to decide if he wants to maintain the friendship.
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 10:26 PM on February 10, 2008

Yeah, just go with "Well, we've gone out a few times, and I've thought about it, but I really don't think there's that kind of a spark there." If you like him, add "I like you as a friend though", and make a point of introducing him to your single female friends who look and act most like you. Nothing, and I mean nothing, disperses an unrequited crush faster than a requited one.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 11:23 PM on February 10, 2008

No, it's an insult, because it says "your mating signals to me are so off-the-charts unappealing that I thought you were a man who only has sex with other men."

In fact, "unappealing" isn't even necessarily the issue. The point is, this guy's been trying hard to signal that he's straight and available and into you. He's failed miserably at sending those signals. But there's no reason to rub his nose in that failure.

Stick with "Wait, you're interested?" Leave off the "You're single?" and "You're straight?"
posted by nebulawindphone at 11:25 PM on February 10, 2008

I would actually recommend that you go out with him again, for dinner/coffee/whatever, and ask at that point, "So, I'm a little confused. Is this supposed to be two friends hanging out, or is this supposed to be a date?" (utilising that casual, confiding, tacked to the end of a mutual laugh kind of mood). If he thinks you're dating, when the actual progression of events is much more ... open to interpretation ... I think you'd be doing him a favour in the long run by showing him that he wasn't giving a clear enough signal. It might save him a lot of wasted time, and a lot of drama down the road. It doesn't close the door to future hangouts of a similar nature, shows that you were a bit confused but still enjoyed his company, and if you make it clear that you like spending time with him, but aren't interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with him, you can hopefully minimise the damage between both the two of you as well as any mutual acquaintances/friendships.

I say this in part because I found myself in a similar situation awhile back; a co-worker who was nice and intelligent and interesting (but whom I was not attracted to in the least) was apparently expressing interest in me, but as I'm not the type to get pursued very often it went completely over my head. He would ask me to do something with him; if it was something I was interested in, I'd say yes, if not, no, and didn't see it as anything other than two co-workers hanging out after work, whereas he apparently saw us as dating. It turned messy, and irritating, and (IMO) could have been avoided if he'd just made it clear that he was interested and wanted to date me. I didn't pick up the "dating" vibe; part of that was probably me being dense, but part was also his thinking he could "sneak one past the goalie", as it were.

(Then again, I've always been fond of the phrase "there is no such thing as brutal honesty, only honesty", so perhaps some of the, uh, more traditional responses upthread might be a better approach to take if you think he'd be hit really hard by something that baldly straightforward.)
posted by the luke parker fiasco at 7:55 AM on February 11, 2008

I wouldn't beat yourself up over it. It's perfectly OK to say "I just want to be friends". The vast majority of dating relationships end this way, so it won't sound weird, and it's not a lie.
Now, as far as the debate about you telling him you thought he was gay, I'd probably just not mention it. It's not really important. But at the same time, it's not some sort of huge insult. I've had a woman think I was gay, and also know people who think that's strange, that don't think I come off gay at all. I didn't interpret it as a "massive failure" or anything. It's completely subjective. Sometimes women sometimes equate a man being nice to them as gay. Or a multitude of other things. Dressing nice. Taking a shower. Who knows what indicates "gay". It's not like there's some huge obvious indicator, or that gay men couldn't possibly attract women. If one approach worked for everyone, nobody would ever break up. I don't think it would destroy him to hear he was seen as possibly gay. People get a lot of impressions about each other based on the tiniest things. But really, the line "I'm interested in you as a friend" doesn't need a laundry list of reasons to back it up after 3 dates. You can just put across that point and reasonably expect it to be taken at face value.
Also, for what it's worth, I don't really think this is your "fault". It's not like you slept with the guy. Nothing for this guy or his friends to really get overly upset about, or cause any fall-out.
If you're honest and nice about it, you can't really go wrong.
posted by dosterm at 10:44 AM on February 11, 2008

Now, of course, I guess I hadn't heard that I came off as gay from somebody I thought I was dating, so who knows. I just think that first impressions are goofy as hell and not that important.
posted by dosterm at 10:58 AM on February 11, 2008