Stay or Leave, revisited

February 2, 2008 10:43 AM

Is the incompatability strong enough to warrant moving on?

I'm 28, ready to settle down, have been for a while. I met my s.o. a year and a half ago, we've been together ever since. In many ways he didn't (and still doesn't) mirror the type of person I had imagined myself being with--he's now 39, divorced, decent job, but not nearly as ambitious as I'm comfortable with, a "night owl," I'm a "rooster," he drinks a lot more than I'm comfortable with, i.e. not yet an alcholic, but I could def. see it leading in that direction (grew up with an alcoholic dad, do NOT want to repeat that in adult life), he smokes Black and Miles (sp?), I don't. Still, even though I told him of my hesitation when I first met him, he continued his pursuit and won me over with his gentlmanly courtship, and to be fair, there are a lot of things about him I like, including his social skills (very outgoing and resourceful which helps to balance my sometimes introverted ways), he's smart, he gets along with my family, he's affectionate (I'm not and have learned a lot in this area from him), and he's thoughtful. So there you have it. Also I should add, in the relationship dept. I've pretty much been a failure, dated a lot of great guys in the past, but didn't know "how" to be in a relationship per se and as a result developed a real fear of being alone coupled with a strong desire to not experience failure in any more relationships.

But I'm not fulfilled. I used to date guys more my "speed," around my age, similar ambitions, intellectual types. And now when I see young couples I oftentimes feel a sinking feeling, wishing I had a more "normal" relationship, one where I could have started out with someone buying our first home together (I ended up buying mine solo), growing together, figuring out life together. Our major age differenece and imbalanced life experiences still trouble me to this day, over a year later...and he knows it, he's told me he feels me holding back from him. I try to ease his worries, all while knowing he's right. I hestiate to leave because I'm not confident in my ability to 1) meet someone I might like more within the next few years and I always wanted to be settled by then (now) or 2) maintain the relationship even if I did find the "dream" guy, considering my checkered history in which low self esteem and other issues played big time roles in those failed relationships.

So what to do? Get over it, accept a good guy with flaws and all, or move on to find that obilvious "fulfillment" which I sincerely don't have right now? *Sigh* I just don't know.

P.S. I apologize if this type of question has been asked before but even after searching and sifting through old threads on this site, I felt puzzled in my current scenario, so decided to go ahead with the post.

posted by GeniPalm to Human Relations (23 answers total)

Move on. 28 is relatively young and you're not giving up your chance at happiness by making that choice. Having a significant other without ambition to match yours makes both of you unreasonably miserable: you will grow to resent him for not doing anything worthwhile and he will resent you for your comparative success. Also, smoking Black and Milds is the domain of a certain sort of has-been trying to convince everyone he's a "bad boy", in my opinion.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 10:52 AM on February 2, 2008

Nowhere in your post do you mention love. I think that's your answer right there.
posted by meerkatty at 10:54 AM on February 2, 2008 [5 favorites]

sounds like you're settling for this guy because you're afraid of being alone. at 78, it might be worth the tradeoff, but not at 28. don't do it.
posted by thinkingwoman at 11:07 AM on February 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

It sounds like you're not "feeling it." It sounds like you feel like you're settling. That's a recipe down the line for resentment and regret for both of you. You already know what to do, so do it. Staying with someone because you're afraid of being alone, or because you're afraid you won't find someone better, is a terrible thing to do to yourself, and to him. End it.
posted by rtha at 11:10 AM on February 2, 2008

Never stay with anyone just 'cause you think this is as good as it gets.

That said, you may be cutting this guy short because he doesn't fit into the mold you've created in your mind. Love isn't always neat and packaged and when we go looking for that pretty shiny present we've been dreaming of for years, we miss the gift that's in front of us.

As to him not being like you, go get some friends that are just like you. Your SO can't be everything.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:11 AM on February 2, 2008

I hestiate to leave because I'm not confident in my ability to 1) meet someone I might like more within the next few years and I always wanted to be settled by then (now) or 2) maintain the relationship even if I did find the "dream" guy, considering my checkered history in which low self esteem and other issues played big time roles in those failed relationships.

So teh only reason you stay is because you don't think you'll do better?

Leave. You have no chance of meeting and being with someone that suits you better if you stay. Some chance if you leave. You're only 28, for gawds sake. There's plenty of time.
posted by Brockles at 11:16 AM on February 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

Move on. Thank yourself for the wisdom and insight you've had after just a year and a half together. Not because he doesn't fit into a specific mold, but because you'll reread your post in few months and realize that you've answered and justified your own question. 28 is young!
posted by exquisite_deluxe at 11:35 AM on February 2, 2008

Do you love him?
posted by ms.v. at 11:47 AM on February 2, 2008

One of your problems seems to be that you are hung up on a lot of your own expectations: I "should" be married, my partner "should" look like this etc. There is a really good book that will help you figure out what you really want and what you just think you should want. It is called
posted by metahawk at 11:50 AM on February 2, 2008

ooops - posted too fast. It is called Who Cares What You're Supposed to Do? Breaking the Rules to Get What You Want.

I would also suggest doing work on your low self-esteem and other issues and your relationships improve. People tend to end up with partners with about same level of mental health as themselves. Working on your issues will put you in place where you can manage a more mature, deeper relationship that you can right now.
posted by metahawk at 11:57 AM on February 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

Ambition to achieve what? If he loves what he is doing, if he loves his life in general and the fact that his life is full of friends due to his personality, he has achieved what he wants to achieve. Why does he need to want more financial success?

He would make a good dad, if children are on your agenda. But it seems that you do not love him enough. Out of fairness to him and to yourself let him go, you are still too young to settle. (75 is too young to settle!)
posted by francesca too at 12:06 PM on February 2, 2008

I'm also getting the move along vibe, for what it's worth.
posted by craven_morhead at 12:20 PM on February 2, 2008

"grew up with an alcoholic dad" is as good a comparison as you can make when you tell him that it's been nice but it's destructive. You could use a more constructive relationship. Age isn't the issue, here, but his lack of purpose is very off putting for you, which ties in with the drinking. You'll have to leave this relationship before you will be able to find one that is going to grow with you. Alone is scary but you're on the right track by asking. There is an interesting take on relationships called Divorce is Underrated in The Logic of Life by Tim Harford. There is also a full discussion of this topic in the blog Marginal Revolution which should give you a completely different perspective on the process.
posted by ptm at 12:40 PM on February 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

For his sake as well, it sounds like it's time to move on. He deserves to be with someone who is fully into him. Your thinking is all about yourself and what you want -- listing off the pros and cons to find an answer that maximizes your own personal fulfillment. Perhaps that's understandable. But try adding his perspective to your thinking, and the balance of pros and cons may make a conclusion quite clear.
posted by waterfall at 1:09 PM on February 2, 2008

There was a big red flag in your post: you KNEW what you wanted when you told him you were hesitant to get involved, and then YOU IGNORED IT by allowing him to "win you over." I don't think you trust yourself, and I think you want others to be responsible for your decisions. Heck, you're doing it RIGHT NOW by posting this very question. I think you know the right decision in your gut, and you just have to find the courage to act on it.

"Fulfillment" will never ever ever EVER come from your partner if you can't trust yourself.
posted by desjardins at 1:12 PM on February 2, 2008 [6 favorites]

I should mention that I grew up with the sense that what I wanted didn't really matter, and I internalized that message to the point that expressing my desires feels like speaking a foreign language I've never even heard before. It still feels totally unnatural to ask for what I want (at age 33), especially if there's any decent chance I'll be told "no." It's so difficult that I usually draw a complete blank when someone asks me what I want. My instinctive response is "I don't know - what do you want?" It's much, much easier to define what I DON'T want, but as you've seen, if you can't act on that, it gets you into all kinds of misery. Therapy has helped a lot, though.

Having been exactly where you're standing, almost down to the type of smokes, I can tell you that it has extremely little to do with the merits of the particular guy in question, and everything to do with you acting confidently on your own desires. That can only benefit you, and ultimately everyone around you.
posted by desjardins at 2:00 PM on February 2, 2008 [4 favorites]

Was there, at your age, same feelings. Ended up breaking up with the guy when I was 31. Best thing I ever did. Met my spouse at 33, married him at 35, first kid at 39.

Don't set yourself up this way. You'll want to change him, which isn't at all fair to him. You'll feel resentment which isn't fair to you OR him. Marriage is lovely but hard sometimes even with someone with whom you are well matched. With someone who you aren't totally excited about? Ugh.

In the words of Kim Stockwood (among others), I'd rather be lonely alone.
posted by jeanmari at 4:38 PM on February 2, 2008

Move on. You have to the power to transform yourself (become more affectionate, be involved in a successful relationship, etc).

If you stay with your current partner, what about kids? This is something you (as a woman) will start to think more and more about, especially as you turn thirty. I'm in my middle thirties (married) but, man, if I was single at this age, wouldn't it be great to be with a sweet young thing who's still in her twenties who doesn't worry about having kids, but who likes having sex. So, what are his long term goals?

That said, women get better with age.
posted by KokuRyu at 5:26 PM on February 2, 2008

not an alcoholic yet

If this man is not an alcoholic right now I will eat my hat.

Google the signs of alcoholism and just go down the list and ask yourself if he has them. (A "yes, but" answer counts as "yes.")
posted by selfmedicating at 6:01 PM on February 2, 2008

The fact that you ask the question and use the word "settle" means you know what you should do, you just don't want to.
posted by gjc at 6:43 PM on February 2, 2008

Never stay with anyone just 'cause you think this is as good as it gets

Unless, of course, you're right.

MetaFilter is not good at answering this kind of question. Only you can decide whether the ambition, drinking, smoking, age and sleep habit issues are dealbreakers.

Think carefully about what led up to his divorce, too. What was she like? Was he dumper, or dumpee?
posted by flabdablet at 7:21 PM on February 2, 2008

I have three suggestions. First, I'd strongly recommend reading Too Good To Leave, To Bad To Stay. It's a very helpful book.

Secondly, I'd suggest that you ask yourself whether there is an issue with your particular partner, per se, or whether, as others have mentioned, you simply have an idea in your mind of what love and happiness should be--and so much so that you can't recognise what you have. I'm not suggesting that this is necessarily true, but you might like to consider whether it is.

Lastly--and again I don't know if this is true--is it possible that you have commitment issues? Some of the differences that you outline (night/day people, cigarette preferences) are so minor that it makes me wonder if you're looking for a reason to leave. My partner and I are incredibly different in so many ways: I'm a morning person, he's not; I'm a reader, he's a do-er; I'm ambitious, he's not; I'm an introvert, he's an extrovert; I'm community minded, he's not; and so on. But we're very happy together and have been for 30 years.

So if you decide to leave, please don't let it be just because the two of you are different. Figure out what matters to you (and the book I mentioned above will help you do that), and then make your decision.
posted by purplesludge at 10:32 AM on February 3, 2008

The person you need to fall in love with is yourself. Once you do that, and are COMFORTABLE BEING ALONE, the need to settle down will only reoccur when you've met the right person.

Until then, you're killing time... and your chances of making yourself a better person for when the RIGHT person comes along.

If you do anything else, you will settle. You'll marry this person and then, when the RIGHT person comes along, you'll either resent your spouse or have an affair, most likely.

By the way, everyone has flaws. He may be having this same conversation with his friends about you. Always consider the other person's position when making relationship decisions, but don't let that position control you.

You won't die or lose your rights to fall wildly in love if you're still single at 30. The press and peer pressure only make you feel that way. There's a gigantic economic interest from an abundance of businesses that want you to believe your only path to happiness is a giant wedding and lots of cherubic children; listen to your gut instead. Always.

And be aware too that long-term successful love feels more like friendship than heart-pounding lust; compromise is ALWAYS going to be important. If you were in complete synchronicity with your beloved, you'd both be bored. Love is acceptance, more than almost anything else you can imagine.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 3:30 PM on February 4, 2008