Oh, it's lonely (on) the top . . .
January 29, 2008 5:20 PM Subscribe
How do I have sex when I've got no rhythm? I need help on top. Unfortunately, this is not a joke. Definitely NSFW inside.
I am a female who loves being on top but thoroughly sucks at it. I am relatively fit, stronger than most women. It is not an issue of stamina or supporting myself. But I lack rhythm and coordination, so I really just can't seem to get the hang of whatever angle, rhythm, and specific movements produce steady, even, quick thrusts that will enable both of us to climax.
I've tried cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, all kinds of on-top positions. I adjust angle and which way I'm leaning. And when I'm going slowly, it's OK, though still a little awkward. But as soon as I try to speed things up I either can't maintain a steady rhythm and/or end up imparting all of the "bouncing" energy into the bed rather than my boyfriend, so he's experiencing very little movement but the bed is literally slamming against the walls and floor. I wouldn't mind it if the sex going on was actually exciting enough to deserve it, but it's not.
I can't really figure out what I'm doing wrong. All the guides I've read just show positions, not what you do after you get into those positions. And I've watched porn, but frankly, the angles they use when a woman is on top aren't terribly helpful. I've asked my boyfriend how he figured out how to deliver steady thrustage, and he doesn't know, it just came naturally. Can anyone help clue me in?
I am a female who loves being on top but thoroughly sucks at it. I am relatively fit, stronger than most women. It is not an issue of stamina or supporting myself. But I lack rhythm and coordination, so I really just can't seem to get the hang of whatever angle, rhythm, and specific movements produce steady, even, quick thrusts that will enable both of us to climax.
I've tried cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, all kinds of on-top positions. I adjust angle and which way I'm leaning. And when I'm going slowly, it's OK, though still a little awkward. But as soon as I try to speed things up I either can't maintain a steady rhythm and/or end up imparting all of the "bouncing" energy into the bed rather than my boyfriend, so he's experiencing very little movement but the bed is literally slamming against the walls and floor. I wouldn't mind it if the sex going on was actually exciting enough to deserve it, but it's not.
I can't really figure out what I'm doing wrong. All the guides I've read just show positions, not what you do after you get into those positions. And I've watched porn, but frankly, the angles they use when a woman is on top aren't terribly helpful. I've asked my boyfriend how he figured out how to deliver steady thrustage, and he doesn't know, it just came naturally. Can anyone help clue me in?
Two tips:
First, up-and-down isn't usually the way of things. The girls I've been with that have enjoyed creating the motion themselves have done a more back-and-forth rocking motion, with the direction of motion following my spine. Essentially, you keep your hips at a constant altitude above the mattress and the motion is sort of a roll-forward-pull-footward/roll-back-push-headward. You get to apply just enough downward pressure such that you stimulate your clitoris as much as you'd like, and that's the key. Some natural in-and-out will occur as a result, but that's not really the focus. Don't worry about him, either - he won't even notice what you're doing because his mind will be blown.
Alternatively, let him do the work. My lovely lady isn't really able to move very speedily when she's on top, so I take charge. I grab a hip with one hand, place my other hand on her lower back, and move the both of us. It doesn't take much force (she's a willing partner and a great follow), but the vast majority of the motion is on my part. You lift yourself up enough to control depth, and basically arrange your hips so that he hits the right spots during his motions. It's every bit as much fun as the former option, too!
posted by TheNewWazoo at 5:38 PM on January 29, 2008
First, up-and-down isn't usually the way of things. The girls I've been with that have enjoyed creating the motion themselves have done a more back-and-forth rocking motion, with the direction of motion following my spine. Essentially, you keep your hips at a constant altitude above the mattress and the motion is sort of a roll-forward-pull-footward/roll-back-push-headward. You get to apply just enough downward pressure such that you stimulate your clitoris as much as you'd like, and that's the key. Some natural in-and-out will occur as a result, but that's not really the focus. Don't worry about him, either - he won't even notice what you're doing because his mind will be blown.
Alternatively, let him do the work. My lovely lady isn't really able to move very speedily when she's on top, so I take charge. I grab a hip with one hand, place my other hand on her lower back, and move the both of us. It doesn't take much force (she's a willing partner and a great follow), but the vast majority of the motion is on my part. You lift yourself up enough to control depth, and basically arrange your hips so that he hits the right spots during his motions. It's every bit as much fun as the former option, too!
posted by TheNewWazoo at 5:38 PM on January 29, 2008
Rather than "bouncing" up and down, concentrate on moving more forward and back, while pressing down and grinding your crotch against his. This works well either cowgirl style or with you leaning forward, hands on his shoulders or on headboard. You'll get a slight up and down motion anyway, but when moving forward and back, you'll naturally tighten those Kegel-area muscles, which he'll feel and enjoy. Maybe you can practice by sitting in a chair and doing the "pelvic thrust"-type movement while listening to music.
posted by Oriole Adams at 5:39 PM on January 29, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by Oriole Adams at 5:39 PM on January 29, 2008 [1 favorite]
Do what feels good to you.
And, as a thought experiment, consider what you do when you are on the bottom or alone. Any pelvic movement there? Try getting more rhythmic in those situations where there is less pressure on you.
And, keep practicing, of course. Good luck!
posted by gjc at 5:41 PM on January 29, 2008
And, as a thought experiment, consider what you do when you are on the bottom or alone. Any pelvic movement there? Try getting more rhythmic in those situations where there is less pressure on you.
And, keep practicing, of course. Good luck!
posted by gjc at 5:41 PM on January 29, 2008
Seconding that it's not an in-and-out thing. It's hip-grinding, wiggling, and pelvic-flooring.
As an experiment, try to actually use your partner as an object, as if you're masturbating, and just do whatever is necessary/best to get yourself off. The odds are high that he will enjoy it also, and even if not, you'll learn something.
BB's belly dancing suggestion was a great idea.
posted by rokusan at 6:25 PM on January 29, 2008 [2 favorites]
As an experiment, try to actually use your partner as an object, as if you're masturbating, and just do whatever is necessary/best to get yourself off. The odds are high that he will enjoy it also, and even if not, you'll learn something.
BB's belly dancing suggestion was a great idea.
posted by rokusan at 6:25 PM on January 29, 2008 [2 favorites]
I am saying this as a guy, so obviously I haven t been in your position specifically, but I have been a participant in that position quite a bit, and i have two suggestions.
1.) Slow down, its not a race, and please take my word that faster isn't always better.
2.) Use your hips, the best experiences I have had with the girl on top was with a girl who could roll her hips, trust me if you can figure that out (you can because you are a girl and your spine works that way) you will have great success, trust me.
posted by BobbyDigital at 6:27 PM on January 29, 2008
1.) Slow down, its not a race, and please take my word that faster isn't always better.
2.) Use your hips, the best experiences I have had with the girl on top was with a girl who could roll her hips, trust me if you can figure that out (you can because you are a girl and your spine works that way) you will have great success, trust me.
posted by BobbyDigital at 6:27 PM on January 29, 2008
Make him hold your arse and lead.
Also, what's your bed like? Because not all bonking surfaces are created equal, and you can get some really full-on and unhelpful rebound from a springy bed.
Erect penises don't really like being at a strict 90 degrees to the torso, so "up and down" isn't really it; "along" is more like it.
Finally, not every position works for everyone. You can still get your sex athlete badge without a gold star in this category.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 6:32 PM on January 29, 2008 [1 favorite]
Also, what's your bed like? Because not all bonking surfaces are created equal, and you can get some really full-on and unhelpful rebound from a springy bed.
Erect penises don't really like being at a strict 90 degrees to the torso, so "up and down" isn't really it; "along" is more like it.
Finally, not every position works for everyone. You can still get your sex athlete badge without a gold star in this category.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 6:32 PM on January 29, 2008 [1 favorite]
Mmmm, cowgirl. *ahem* Sorry. Roll your hips. Bouncing is good only for a short, short time and only more for show. Practice alone using just your fingers (or a toy if you're so inclined) and you'll get the idea if you'd rather. Just so you have something underneath you to get used to the rocking motion.
posted by CwgrlUp at 6:39 PM on January 29, 2008
posted by CwgrlUp at 6:39 PM on January 29, 2008
Think figure 8s. Get you thighs all the way down and then do figure 8's with your hips. And joe's spleen is right. Ask your man to help you out by holding your butt and guiding you. But ultimately, if trying to figure you out how to work your rhythm on top is causing so much angst, why not just take it out of your repetoire. There are plenty of other positions. You don't want to be up there thinking there's a row of judges by your bed holding up scorecards.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 7:32 PM on January 29, 2008
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 7:32 PM on January 29, 2008
Bouncy beds work ok -- it's just a more complicated rhythm (he bounces, you bounce, the mattress bounces, and you don't want all three to be moving up and down together). But much easier is to be on a firmer surface -- a really hard futon, or on the floor, where the bouncing is taken out of the equation totally. (Put a couple of blankets on the floor to keep your knees happy, if you go that route.)
And what was said above about back-and-forth rather than up-and-down. There are a couple of scenes in the HBO series "Rome" that show this motion very clearly -- in contrast, the woman-on-top scenes in porn tend to be much less realistic, shot at odd angles and with very acrobatic movements that most people probably can't do and might not want to try. Back-and-forth with good hip rolls will produce plenty of in-and-out motion, and you can intersperse that kind of movement with the up-and-down movement that you are using now.
If he is laying there like a big lump, tell him to wake up and get to work -- he should be finding and meeting your rhythm, perhaps holding your hips to guide and control your movements, and so on. If he goes up when you go down and vice versa, the bed won't bounce nearly as much as it does when he goes up and down with you.
And experiment with the subtleties of position -- lean forward, sit upright, lean back with hands on his thighs; put your hands on his chest or on the headboard or on your hips; weight on your knees or on your feet; laying fully on top of him with your legs on the inside or outside of his; etc etc etc. Everyone is a bit different, and small changes in angle and movement can have big impacts.
posted by Forktine at 7:35 PM on January 29, 2008 [1 favorite]
And what was said above about back-and-forth rather than up-and-down. There are a couple of scenes in the HBO series "Rome" that show this motion very clearly -- in contrast, the woman-on-top scenes in porn tend to be much less realistic, shot at odd angles and with very acrobatic movements that most people probably can't do and might not want to try. Back-and-forth with good hip rolls will produce plenty of in-and-out motion, and you can intersperse that kind of movement with the up-and-down movement that you are using now.
If he is laying there like a big lump, tell him to wake up and get to work -- he should be finding and meeting your rhythm, perhaps holding your hips to guide and control your movements, and so on. If he goes up when you go down and vice versa, the bed won't bounce nearly as much as it does when he goes up and down with you.
And experiment with the subtleties of position -- lean forward, sit upright, lean back with hands on his thighs; put your hands on his chest or on the headboard or on your hips; weight on your knees or on your feet; laying fully on top of him with your legs on the inside or outside of his; etc etc etc. Everyone is a bit different, and small changes in angle and movement can have big impacts.
posted by Forktine at 7:35 PM on January 29, 2008 [1 favorite]
Try on a blanket on the floor (or some other soft-but-firm, non-springloaded surface) before graduating to the bed. And as others have said, bouncing up-and-down isn't really how you (ahem) get the job done; I think that's mostly for show.
posted by Kadin2048 at 8:19 PM on January 29, 2008
posted by Kadin2048 at 8:19 PM on January 29, 2008
I definitely think you need to stop using porn as a guide. It's just not how us civilians fuck. (The times I've had partners who did it like porn, I took it as a sign that they'd done more watching than participating in their life.)
The first, last, and most important piece of advice is to do what feels good. Shut off any other voice in your head. To me? Bouncing up and down on a dick isn't hot. But if I am grinding my hips around and getting lots of clit contact, well, kaboom.
posted by loiseau at 9:27 PM on January 29, 2008 [3 favorites]
The first, last, and most important piece of advice is to do what feels good. Shut off any other voice in your head. To me? Bouncing up and down on a dick isn't hot. But if I am grinding my hips around and getting lots of clit contact, well, kaboom.
posted by loiseau at 9:27 PM on January 29, 2008 [3 favorites]
Hip openers in yoga.
posted by hapax_legomenon at 10:14 PM on January 29, 2008
posted by hapax_legomenon at 10:14 PM on January 29, 2008
But I lack rhythm and coordination, so I really just can't seem to get the hang of whatever angle, rhythm, and specific movements produce steady, even, quick thrusts that will enable both of us to climax.
Good lord. You can basically assume that sans plumbing problems, its all working out for him. Just keep doing what you are doing and, by all means, just tell him about your "problem." Nothing is hotter to any partner than the knowledge than their partner is into it so much that they are eager to make it better.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:38 PM on January 29, 2008 [1 favorite]
Good lord. You can basically assume that sans plumbing problems, its all working out for him. Just keep doing what you are doing and, by all means, just tell him about your "problem." Nothing is hotter to any partner than the knowledge than their partner is into it so much that they are eager to make it better.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:38 PM on January 29, 2008 [1 favorite]
The right music can work wonders. Experiment and find what's best for you!
posted by azpenguin at 12:12 AM on January 30, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by azpenguin at 12:12 AM on January 30, 2008 [1 favorite]
Just tell him to lay there and shut the fuck up while you screw around looking for some stuff that feels good. And you will let him know when you're done.
Admittedly I'm a girl... but unless he's gay I can't think of any guy that couldn't find some sort of appeal in that.
The appeal for you is that you're not there to perform! Well! ...!!
You're just looking for treats. And who the hell needs help with that :)
And I thought I had something to show you, but I can't find it!! So I might be a while... But anyway, if you feel inclined to take notes from any porn let it be this... (when I find it!)
Wish me luck!!
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 12:26 AM on January 30, 2008
Admittedly I'm a girl... but unless he's gay I can't think of any guy that couldn't find some sort of appeal in that.
The appeal for you is that you're not there to perform! Well! ...!!
You're just looking for treats. And who the hell needs help with that :)
And I thought I had something to show you, but I can't find it!! So I might be a while... But anyway, if you feel inclined to take notes from any porn let it be this... (when I find it!)
Wish me luck!!
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 12:26 AM on January 30, 2008
n+1ing the rest of the suggsions...also, If you are worried about rhythm, next time can you try putting some music on and following along to the beats? Make it a game.
posted by softlord at 5:53 AM on January 30, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by softlord at 5:53 AM on January 30, 2008 [1 favorite]
As a guy, I wouldn't be offended at all to just lay there and let you figure out what you like. Just ask your partner and then spend some time doing just that. It sounds like you are working really hard. Relax and enjoy the process a little bit more.
If you are going to use porn as a guide, find some that specifically addresses what you are looking for. There are several videos that show different positions. Check Good Vibrations. Or do a search hear for different porn requests. Those made by women or with couples who were actually together tend to be a little more realistic.
Or try getting a few pieces of Liberator. It makes several positions much easier.
posted by Silvertree at 6:07 AM on January 30, 2008
If you are going to use porn as a guide, find some that specifically addresses what you are looking for. There are several videos that show different positions. Check Good Vibrations. Or do a search hear for different porn requests. Those made by women or with couples who were actually together tend to be a little more realistic.
Or try getting a few pieces of Liberator. It makes several positions much easier.
posted by Silvertree at 6:07 AM on January 30, 2008
Less emphasis on the bouncing and the up and down.
The next time you mount up, roll your hips from front to back. Since you say he's the rhythmic one, have him place his hands low on your hips and guide your body with his movements. He should be thrusting, but not too much--lifting his butt without arching his back. And when he lifts, respond by pushing back down. That's where the back-and-forth comes in. But start smoothly. No bucking 'til you get the rhythm down.
And don't forget your kegel exercises. ;)
posted by sambosambo at 2:02 PM on January 31, 2008 [1 favorite]
The next time you mount up, roll your hips from front to back. Since you say he's the rhythmic one, have him place his hands low on your hips and guide your body with his movements. He should be thrusting, but not too much--lifting his butt without arching his back. And when he lifts, respond by pushing back down. That's where the back-and-forth comes in. But start smoothly. No bucking 'til you get the rhythm down.
And don't forget your kegel exercises. ;)
posted by sambosambo at 2:02 PM on January 31, 2008 [1 favorite]
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That seems to be saying you're not actually into the sex, which might be part of the problem
If not, ask him to hold your legs when things get faster.
Practice, practice when things are slower.
Take a class in bellydancing to learn how to move your hips.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:27 PM on January 29, 2008