There Are Too Many of Us in Our Bed
January 11, 2008 10:55 AM Subscribe
How Do I Tell Him I Don't Want Her In Our Bed? Should I Tell Him At All? I’m having a difficult internal discussion with myself this morning, in anticipation of a real discussion I think I should have later this evening. To wit: my S.O. brought a fantasy into our bed last night that disturbs me a lot.
Background: We’ve been together for almost four years. The first two years, we lived separately in our own apartments in the same apartment complex. We moved in together two years ago. We’re both in our 50s, and have both been married previously. We have no desire to marry at this stage of our lives, but are lovingly and firmly committed to one another. We have gone so far as to provide for each other in our respective estate planning. He calls me his Spousal Equivalent. It’s a serious, lifetime commitment.
Before we met, when S.O. was a recently-divorced single guy, he struck up an on-line friendship with a woman who lives in a far-away state. The two of them became very close, chatting every day, and sharing with each other all of their stories. The friendship progressed into on-line intimacy, including quite a bit of cyber sex and phone sex. They have never met in real life. When I became a serious relationship for him, he told me about her, explaining that she was his dear friend, and that he would always have a special affection for her. She helped him through a very rough patch, bolstering both his flagging ego and lifting him up when he was depressed and lonely. Very understandable, since she is a licensed psychotherapist… she was also alone at the time, trying to regroup after her own failed marriage. They bonded. He explained to me that she was and is important to him, and wanted me to understand that she would always have a special place in his heart. He assured me that there would never be any threat from her, and that he would always be above-board in his communications with her. (He has an email group that he sends regular items out to; she’s on the list, and they do email back and forth occasionally.)
At first, I saw no reason to be jealous. Jealousy is not a normal part of my emotional make-up, and I see it as primarily an indication of insecurity. As time went on, and I saw my S.O. become more and more committed to me, I put most thoughts of this woman out of my head. I certainly didn’t see her as competition – after all, they had never met, and were still just very close “pen pals.” He actually showed me several of their communications – all innocent. Recently, she opened up a private practice in her home state, sent him the announcement, and we both agreed that a small gift would be appropriate for her office opening. I helped him shop for something (turned out that we sent her a small fountain for her lobby) and we sent it off together. In a thank you email to him, she told him that whenever she looked at the fountain she would be reminded of how much she valued his friendship. He responded by saying that he wished her luck in her new endeavor, and that whenever she looked at the fountain she should remember that he was her first customer. He also made sure that she knew that I had participated in choosing the gift. She sent a thank you to the two of us. All is well… right?
Until last night.
More background: We have a great sex life. We enjoy ourselves, and specifically enjoy the freedom we share with each other. We’ve always been able to be completely relaxed and free about our needs, wants and desires. Fantasies have played an especially fun part of our interaction on occasion, and he’s really opened up about some of the more typical male fantasies. We have amazingly rich and detailed stories we tell each other when we make love… sometimes they are all about me, sometimes they are all about him. I like it, and I’m an enthusiastic participant. We run the gamut from me and another lady pleasing him to him picturing what it would be like to see me with another lady. We take turns adding to the details… it’s all good. We both agree that it is just fun sex talk, and that we would never actually DO any of the things we talk about… we’re basically chickenshit, and would probably be too embarrassed to be rejected to actually act out any of our pillow talk scenes. (We are in our 50s, after all!) And, until last night, all of the fantasy stories were with him as the only male. Last night, for the first time, he asked me if I had ever thought about being pleasured by two men. My positive response and curiosity led to some interesting talk. And, it was all good.
Until this. Right after he introduced the MFM scenario, he asked me if I wanted to hear his “wildest fantasy.” Well, yes… I did. He said that he’s always wanted to get his woman friend and me into bed together, and fuck us both.
I didn’t respond. I didn’t stop mid-fuck, mind you, but I didn’t add anything, he only said one or two more things about her and me and him and fucking… and that was the end of that storyline. We continued until we were both satisfied, then fell asleep without talking. That’s not entirely unusual. Neither one of us is big on talking after sex. We mostly cuddle and fall asleep. Last night was no different.
This morning, I’m wrestling with how – or even if I should - tell him that I don’t want her in our fantasy life. I don’t want her in our bed.
None of our other stories involve anyone we are close to… there are nameless, faceless women who drift in and out, or someone we might have seen somewhere but don’t actually know. There is one recurring woman, someone I know casually and he’s met, that pops up frequently, but there has never been any emotional connection to any of our fantasy lovers. Until last night I didn’t have to concern myself with whether or not any specific male fantasy lover was involved. I don’t have anyone in my past, present or future that would cause him to be concerned, and if this MMF thread continues, I have a vivid imagination, and could create plenty of nameless, faceless characters I can share without fear that he’ll confuse a real life friend. I can see where that could be troublesome and potentially painful.
Not so with his far-away friend. She’s real. They have a real friendship. They have shared real intimacy, albeit without benefit of actually being in the same place at the same time. They have a continuing friendship, which involves communicating with one another. He sends her email birthday greetings each year. I doubt that they speak on the phone anymore, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have lingering questions about what she would be like in the sack in reality. Obviously he thinks about it, otherwise he wouldn’t have shared his “wildest fantasy” last night.
I don’t want to include anyone that real into our love life. I feel that it would add an element to our love life that confuses me. I felt the first real pang of jealousy last night, and I hated it. I don’t want to wonder whether introducing her to our fantasies will spill over into their friendship and possibly add a dimension to their relationship that I would not feel comfortable with at all. She is real. She has a name. She is someone we might yet meet in real life someday, if she ever comes to our city or if we ever travel to her part of the country. I already know that if he ever met her, the question of “what if” would be resurrected, but that’s understandable, and normal. As long as I don’t encourage him to bring this particular fantasy into our bed, I really don’t care if he ponders all the “what ifs” in the world. Even if I could tell him what to do in his interior life, I wouldn’t try. A person’s mind is their own, and there is no surer way to create a resentment than telling someone what to think. As long as he doesn’t act on his thoughts, I don’t care.
I’ve obviously given this a great deal of thought this morning. However, I’m stuck inside my own head, and without anyone to bounce this off. Am I overreacting? If I am, why? If I’m not, what are the implications of either saying something (pretty much what I’ve outlined above) or not saying anything at all and just not responding if he brings her up again in bed? I don’t want to give too much weight to this, or seem like I’m trying to tell him what to think. (See paragraph above for resentment fears) I’m not. I just don’t want her name to be called out when we’re making love.
Throwaway email for answers you don't want here: pleasepayattention@gmail.com
Background: We’ve been together for almost four years. The first two years, we lived separately in our own apartments in the same apartment complex. We moved in together two years ago. We’re both in our 50s, and have both been married previously. We have no desire to marry at this stage of our lives, but are lovingly and firmly committed to one another. We have gone so far as to provide for each other in our respective estate planning. He calls me his Spousal Equivalent. It’s a serious, lifetime commitment.
Before we met, when S.O. was a recently-divorced single guy, he struck up an on-line friendship with a woman who lives in a far-away state. The two of them became very close, chatting every day, and sharing with each other all of their stories. The friendship progressed into on-line intimacy, including quite a bit of cyber sex and phone sex. They have never met in real life. When I became a serious relationship for him, he told me about her, explaining that she was his dear friend, and that he would always have a special affection for her. She helped him through a very rough patch, bolstering both his flagging ego and lifting him up when he was depressed and lonely. Very understandable, since she is a licensed psychotherapist… she was also alone at the time, trying to regroup after her own failed marriage. They bonded. He explained to me that she was and is important to him, and wanted me to understand that she would always have a special place in his heart. He assured me that there would never be any threat from her, and that he would always be above-board in his communications with her. (He has an email group that he sends regular items out to; she’s on the list, and they do email back and forth occasionally.)
At first, I saw no reason to be jealous. Jealousy is not a normal part of my emotional make-up, and I see it as primarily an indication of insecurity. As time went on, and I saw my S.O. become more and more committed to me, I put most thoughts of this woman out of my head. I certainly didn’t see her as competition – after all, they had never met, and were still just very close “pen pals.” He actually showed me several of their communications – all innocent. Recently, she opened up a private practice in her home state, sent him the announcement, and we both agreed that a small gift would be appropriate for her office opening. I helped him shop for something (turned out that we sent her a small fountain for her lobby) and we sent it off together. In a thank you email to him, she told him that whenever she looked at the fountain she would be reminded of how much she valued his friendship. He responded by saying that he wished her luck in her new endeavor, and that whenever she looked at the fountain she should remember that he was her first customer. He also made sure that she knew that I had participated in choosing the gift. She sent a thank you to the two of us. All is well… right?
Until last night.
More background: We have a great sex life. We enjoy ourselves, and specifically enjoy the freedom we share with each other. We’ve always been able to be completely relaxed and free about our needs, wants and desires. Fantasies have played an especially fun part of our interaction on occasion, and he’s really opened up about some of the more typical male fantasies. We have amazingly rich and detailed stories we tell each other when we make love… sometimes they are all about me, sometimes they are all about him. I like it, and I’m an enthusiastic participant. We run the gamut from me and another lady pleasing him to him picturing what it would be like to see me with another lady. We take turns adding to the details… it’s all good. We both agree that it is just fun sex talk, and that we would never actually DO any of the things we talk about… we’re basically chickenshit, and would probably be too embarrassed to be rejected to actually act out any of our pillow talk scenes. (We are in our 50s, after all!) And, until last night, all of the fantasy stories were with him as the only male. Last night, for the first time, he asked me if I had ever thought about being pleasured by two men. My positive response and curiosity led to some interesting talk. And, it was all good.
Until this. Right after he introduced the MFM scenario, he asked me if I wanted to hear his “wildest fantasy.” Well, yes… I did. He said that he’s always wanted to get his woman friend and me into bed together, and fuck us both.
I didn’t respond. I didn’t stop mid-fuck, mind you, but I didn’t add anything, he only said one or two more things about her and me and him and fucking… and that was the end of that storyline. We continued until we were both satisfied, then fell asleep without talking. That’s not entirely unusual. Neither one of us is big on talking after sex. We mostly cuddle and fall asleep. Last night was no different.
This morning, I’m wrestling with how – or even if I should - tell him that I don’t want her in our fantasy life. I don’t want her in our bed.
None of our other stories involve anyone we are close to… there are nameless, faceless women who drift in and out, or someone we might have seen somewhere but don’t actually know. There is one recurring woman, someone I know casually and he’s met, that pops up frequently, but there has never been any emotional connection to any of our fantasy lovers. Until last night I didn’t have to concern myself with whether or not any specific male fantasy lover was involved. I don’t have anyone in my past, present or future that would cause him to be concerned, and if this MMF thread continues, I have a vivid imagination, and could create plenty of nameless, faceless characters I can share without fear that he’ll confuse a real life friend. I can see where that could be troublesome and potentially painful.
Not so with his far-away friend. She’s real. They have a real friendship. They have shared real intimacy, albeit without benefit of actually being in the same place at the same time. They have a continuing friendship, which involves communicating with one another. He sends her email birthday greetings each year. I doubt that they speak on the phone anymore, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have lingering questions about what she would be like in the sack in reality. Obviously he thinks about it, otherwise he wouldn’t have shared his “wildest fantasy” last night.
I don’t want to include anyone that real into our love life. I feel that it would add an element to our love life that confuses me. I felt the first real pang of jealousy last night, and I hated it. I don’t want to wonder whether introducing her to our fantasies will spill over into their friendship and possibly add a dimension to their relationship that I would not feel comfortable with at all. She is real. She has a name. She is someone we might yet meet in real life someday, if she ever comes to our city or if we ever travel to her part of the country. I already know that if he ever met her, the question of “what if” would be resurrected, but that’s understandable, and normal. As long as I don’t encourage him to bring this particular fantasy into our bed, I really don’t care if he ponders all the “what ifs” in the world. Even if I could tell him what to do in his interior life, I wouldn’t try. A person’s mind is their own, and there is no surer way to create a resentment than telling someone what to think. As long as he doesn’t act on his thoughts, I don’t care.
I’ve obviously given this a great deal of thought this morning. However, I’m stuck inside my own head, and without anyone to bounce this off. Am I overreacting? If I am, why? If I’m not, what are the implications of either saying something (pretty much what I’ve outlined above) or not saying anything at all and just not responding if he brings her up again in bed? I don’t want to give too much weight to this, or seem like I’m trying to tell him what to think. (See paragraph above for resentment fears) I’m not. I just don’t want her name to be called out when we’re making love.
Throwaway email for answers you don't want here: pleasepayattention@gmail.com
Tell him. You lay the case out quite reasonably here. It will continue to bother you. "I adore you but I can't get on board with that fantasy. It makes me uncomfortable and a little jealous; let's stick to imaginary parters. Of course you can keep thinking about this privately, I just don't want play out this scenario together."
posted by LobsterMitten at 11:09 AM on January 11, 2008 [3 favorites]
posted by LobsterMitten at 11:09 AM on January 11, 2008 [3 favorites]
You sound like you've got your head on right. You don't sound crazy or overthinking. And you don't sound jealous. I hope, at least, writing this all down has been a release and it's helped you just get all your feelings out. But, I honestly feel that whatever decision you come to, it would be right because you sound thoughtful and intelligent. Sorry that I don't have anything concrete, but I think you are completely capable of making a healthy decision and deal with the results in a sane way.
Best of luck to you!
posted by spec80 at 11:17 AM on January 11, 2008
Best of luck to you!
posted by spec80 at 11:17 AM on January 11, 2008
I don't think you're overreacting. Something he did sexually makes you uncomfortable, and you'd like for him not to do that in your presence again, but you're not trying to control what he thinks about and you recognize that the fantasy -- as long as it stays in his head -- is not a big deal. You sound rational, fair, honest, and open here.
posted by occhiblu at 11:18 AM on January 11, 2008
posted by occhiblu at 11:18 AM on January 11, 2008
I think it's perfectly reasonable to explain that this particular case crossed a line, that this one moved away from simple fantasy into potential-reality territory, and that that's out of your comfort zone.
It sounds like you've always been understanding of each other, so he should want to keep you in your comfort zone. You're not being petty or a jealous wench, if that's what you're worried about.
posted by mudpuppie at 11:18 AM on January 11, 2008
It sounds like you've always been understanding of each other, so he should want to keep you in your comfort zone. You're not being petty or a jealous wench, if that's what you're worried about.
posted by mudpuppie at 11:18 AM on January 11, 2008
I don't think there's anything wrong with simply telling him that you're not interested/comfortable with specific personalities being included in your fantasy life. You make an intelligent, valid point that there is no opportunity for complication when your fantasy beings are exactly that--faceless supplements to an interaction between two people, nothing more.
And, as you said, you're not playing the jealous card, in the sense of wanting him to cut off contact with her or to even stop thinking about her. He can keep her in his mind in whatever manner he chooses. You're not out of line in asking to keep her out of your intimate life. If your saying this to him upsets him, it may be an indication that his feelings for her are more complex than he's let on, and there might be more for you to think about.
Definitely talk about it, though. As kittens mentioned, your silence probably made him aware that all was not right anymore, and if you don't tell him why, he'll be prone to speculation, and then things could easily be misinterpreted or blown out of proportion. Discuss before he has the chance to make any assumptions.
Best of luck. These situations are never easy, but it sounds like you've got a good chance of making yourself understood.
posted by the luke parker fiasco at 11:19 AM on January 11, 2008
And, as you said, you're not playing the jealous card, in the sense of wanting him to cut off contact with her or to even stop thinking about her. He can keep her in his mind in whatever manner he chooses. You're not out of line in asking to keep her out of your intimate life. If your saying this to him upsets him, it may be an indication that his feelings for her are more complex than he's let on, and there might be more for you to think about.
Definitely talk about it, though. As kittens mentioned, your silence probably made him aware that all was not right anymore, and if you don't tell him why, he'll be prone to speculation, and then things could easily be misinterpreted or blown out of proportion. Discuss before he has the chance to make any assumptions.
Best of luck. These situations are never easy, but it sounds like you've got a good chance of making yourself understood.
posted by the luke parker fiasco at 11:19 AM on January 11, 2008
You already both communicate well, so just tell him you weren't comfortable with that particular woman because of the intimacy of their relationship. I think he'll get it. If you have to illustrate the difference, just compare it to the fantasy involving the casual acquaintance you mentioned earlier - no emotional connection, etc.
posted by lhall at 11:25 AM on January 11, 2008
posted by lhall at 11:25 AM on January 11, 2008
You're dealing with your issues in a pretty healthy and mature way, and it sounds like you can discuss this in a pretty rational way. If I were him, I'd understand and not make a big deal out of it; you're not over-reacting, and it makes a lot of sense.
So, deal with it, then come back (non-anonymously) and help other people out with their problems as you seem to have this one pretty well sewn up.
posted by klangklangston at 11:28 AM on January 11, 2008
So, deal with it, then come back (non-anonymously) and help other people out with their problems as you seem to have this one pretty well sewn up.
posted by klangklangston at 11:28 AM on January 11, 2008
Jealousy is not a normal part of my emotional make-up, and I see it as primarily an indication of insecurity. Eh jealousy is part of the human condition, so maybe your not jealous until it counts. But that isn't necessarily a bad thing rather than a human thing. Whats the harm in telling him that his fantasy makes you a little uncomfortable, I'm sure he doesn't want to make you uncomfortable. If he does then you have the beginnings of an actual problem.
posted by pwally at 11:45 AM on January 11, 2008
posted by pwally at 11:45 AM on January 11, 2008
You sound like you've got a really secure relationship with this guy, so take advantage of that and let him know how you're feeling. I imagine you'll resent it if you don't.
Also, I'm sure you're aware that things like this go through our (men's) minds all the time. Blurting it out like that was rude, yes, but probably not a comment on this guy's lacking emotional fidelity. He probably feels pretty stupid about having said it like that (I know I would). Be straight with him, but try not to be accusative, you know?
Anyway, good luck.
posted by Pecinpah at 12:22 PM on January 11, 2008
Also, I'm sure you're aware that things like this go through our (men's) minds all the time. Blurting it out like that was rude, yes, but probably not a comment on this guy's lacking emotional fidelity. He probably feels pretty stupid about having said it like that (I know I would). Be straight with him, but try not to be accusative, you know?
Anyway, good luck.
posted by Pecinpah at 12:22 PM on January 11, 2008
I don't like thinking the worst of people, but there is one more thing you might want to consider and then discuss with him: there's the possibility that he's raising this now as a fantasy in hopes that it someday becomes a reality. If so, it'd be good for both of you to talk honestly about where you stand on that issue. It seems as though you'd be pretty against the idea, and he deserves to know that. And you certainly deserve to know if he would actually want to do it someday, if he does.
I don't think there's enough evidence to know one way or the other.. But moving from fake, fantastical non-people to someone he knows and has had sexual interactions with before leads to a lot of questions. Sure, you say the two of you probably never would ask someone, but he might think of this woman as a safe way to fulfill his fantasies. Asking him about it in the reasoned way you're asking here can't hurt.
posted by Ms. Saint at 12:29 PM on January 11, 2008
I don't think there's enough evidence to know one way or the other.. But moving from fake, fantastical non-people to someone he knows and has had sexual interactions with before leads to a lot of questions. Sure, you say the two of you probably never would ask someone, but he might think of this woman as a safe way to fulfill his fantasies. Asking him about it in the reasoned way you're asking here can't hurt.
posted by Ms. Saint at 12:29 PM on January 11, 2008
it's excellent that y'all are sharing hot fantasy goodness. hooray!
i think "yeah, not so much with the people we know in real life when you're using your outside voice" is a pretty reasonable bit of feedback. particularly if you've got a secure full-of-hotness relationship going.
posted by rmd1023 at 12:34 PM on January 11, 2008
i think "yeah, not so much with the people we know in real life when you're using your outside voice" is a pretty reasonable bit of feedback. particularly if you've got a secure full-of-hotness relationship going.
posted by rmd1023 at 12:34 PM on January 11, 2008
There is one recurring woman, someone I know casually and he’s met, that pops up frequently, but there has never been any emotional connection to any of our fantasy lovers.
Talk about her, too, when you bring this up. I suggest you eliminate both women from your shared fantasies, since reality = emotional connection.
posted by Carol Anne at 1:09 PM on January 11, 2008
Talk about her, too, when you bring this up. I suggest you eliminate both women from your shared fantasies, since reality = emotional connection.
posted by Carol Anne at 1:09 PM on January 11, 2008
Sexual fantasies are deeply personal and what mental health folks call "overdetermined," by which we mean that they may not be caused by any one thing, but by many things, some of which aer probably unknowable - all we know is that this or that fantasy is exciting. It sounds like you guys have had a very richly layered set of fantasy narratives that you draw from, which sounds really great!
However, the bubble can burst, as you found out. And when you're as open and vulnerable as it sounds like you all are, it can feel very wounding when your partner does or says the wrong thing. The whole fantasy narrative can just crumble and then you end up feeling alone and hurt and lost.
It's clear that you're hurt and confused. And you have every right to to stand up for your sense of what's exciting and what's a turnoff and to share all that with your partner. Agreeing with the others here, I think you should absolutely let your partner know that this fantasy is scary and turns you off.
Are you over-reacting? I guess I'd give that a "maybe." You're not over-reacting in the sense of throwing stuff at your partner or moving out. But you might be over-reacting if you're assuming that your partner might prefer her to you, or might have an affair with her when he said that this was his wildest fantasy. You could, if you wanted, ask yourself what was it about this that was so hurtful to you and try to figure out whether this is an insecurity that you never even knew you had.
posted by jasper411 at 1:21 PM on January 11, 2008
However, the bubble can burst, as you found out. And when you're as open and vulnerable as it sounds like you all are, it can feel very wounding when your partner does or says the wrong thing. The whole fantasy narrative can just crumble and then you end up feeling alone and hurt and lost.
It's clear that you're hurt and confused. And you have every right to to stand up for your sense of what's exciting and what's a turnoff and to share all that with your partner. Agreeing with the others here, I think you should absolutely let your partner know that this fantasy is scary and turns you off.
Are you over-reacting? I guess I'd give that a "maybe." You're not over-reacting in the sense of throwing stuff at your partner or moving out. But you might be over-reacting if you're assuming that your partner might prefer her to you, or might have an affair with her when he said that this was his wildest fantasy. You could, if you wanted, ask yourself what was it about this that was so hurtful to you and try to figure out whether this is an insecurity that you never even knew you had.
posted by jasper411 at 1:21 PM on January 11, 2008
I agree that you've got a good handle on this, and the advice here is good, and would like to add the following: It's possible that, despite his painting this fantasy as "the wildest," the kink factor doesn't have all that much to do with mixing two competing women in his bed, as much as having two REAL women who, the record shows, adore him. Nameless fantasy women, even in visual porn, aren't as arousing as real, hot-blooded sexy women. I think this is actually a pretty normal fantasy - having your cake and eating it too, keeping all the women who care about you in a happy, horny harem, with no consequences. It's only "wild" because it's so very dangerous to actually attempt, and because he probably senses that if you were to feel threatened by another woman, she'd be the one. His honesty is admirable, imo. After all, if he'd named his dentist, you wouldn't have the history you cited to underscore your concern. You'd have new concern.
You might ask him to just completely bare himself with regard to who, from real life, he'd like to bring into your bed. Maybe that's a painful thought, but I think it might reveal the actual banality of this fantasy to you. Have him list ten people, just for fun.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 1:34 PM on January 11, 2008
You might ask him to just completely bare himself with regard to who, from real life, he'd like to bring into your bed. Maybe that's a painful thought, but I think it might reveal the actual banality of this fantasy to you. Have him list ten people, just for fun.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 1:34 PM on January 11, 2008
As the long distance friend of someone who is married, I'll add my thoughts on the situation. I think that in a relationship like the one that your S.O. has with the far-away woman, the level of sexual intimacy can be quite deep even with the distance between them being insurmountable, so the natural result is to day-dream and fantasize and bridge the gap in little ways that doesn't really cross boundaries. It's natural to wonder the "what if's" of the situation and imagine what it'd be like to meet them and how nice it'd be to fuck them, but fantasy is all that is. If he'd really wanted that, he would have gone to visit her while he was single, but my guess is she was just an escape from a lonely time while he waited to find something more real, which he found in you.
She obviously is important to him since they still keep in touch, but I've no doubt that you come first for him. He gets turned on by the idea of his two favorite people in bed together, and since he's shared so much of this other woman with you already he felt safe enough to share that. If he really should have put that into words, who knows, but it's easy to see where he's coming from and it isn't that unusual. As far as "wildest" fantasy's go, count yourself blessed because that's pretty tame beyond the taboo forbidden nature of the other woman. I doubt he has any real plans to get you two into bed together beyond idle hope and lust, and it'd take a pretty enthusiastic response from you to ever move that out of the realm of fantasy.
So, to answer your questions: No, you're not really overreacting. Jealousy is a pretty natural response, and him talking about being with you and his friend is not as innocent as talking about you with Angelina Jolie or whatever. That being said, I think you'll put to rest most of the jealousy if you articulate a few boundaries to him. Just let him know that you love him and you're happy for him to have his friend, but she's not welcome in bed with you, imaginary or otherwise, and that you're not the kind of person to live out fantasies. Just let him know you feel a little threatened by that image and that it's a turn off to you. If he really needs to explore that scene he can cyber it out with her, so you're not exactly stifling him or telling him what to think. You could probably get away with just leaving this be, but I'm a fan of open communication and think you'll feel better if you both have your expectations out there. If you don't want to make a big production of it, maybe just write out your thoughts on a short note and have him read it sometime when you are both feeling comfortable together.
posted by CheshireCat at 2:07 PM on January 11, 2008
She obviously is important to him since they still keep in touch, but I've no doubt that you come first for him. He gets turned on by the idea of his two favorite people in bed together, and since he's shared so much of this other woman with you already he felt safe enough to share that. If he really should have put that into words, who knows, but it's easy to see where he's coming from and it isn't that unusual. As far as "wildest" fantasy's go, count yourself blessed because that's pretty tame beyond the taboo forbidden nature of the other woman. I doubt he has any real plans to get you two into bed together beyond idle hope and lust, and it'd take a pretty enthusiastic response from you to ever move that out of the realm of fantasy.
So, to answer your questions: No, you're not really overreacting. Jealousy is a pretty natural response, and him talking about being with you and his friend is not as innocent as talking about you with Angelina Jolie or whatever. That being said, I think you'll put to rest most of the jealousy if you articulate a few boundaries to him. Just let him know that you love him and you're happy for him to have his friend, but she's not welcome in bed with you, imaginary or otherwise, and that you're not the kind of person to live out fantasies. Just let him know you feel a little threatened by that image and that it's a turn off to you. If he really needs to explore that scene he can cyber it out with her, so you're not exactly stifling him or telling him what to think. You could probably get away with just leaving this be, but I'm a fan of open communication and think you'll feel better if you both have your expectations out there. If you don't want to make a big production of it, maybe just write out your thoughts on a short note and have him read it sometime when you are both feeling comfortable together.
posted by CheshireCat at 2:07 PM on January 11, 2008
I hate online friendships for this reason. But, as long as he's not booking flights, I would treat this as a fantasy.
posted by parmanparman at 2:57 PM on January 11, 2008
posted by parmanparman at 2:57 PM on January 11, 2008
Aw, you guys are fine. It sounds like your communication skills are both awesome.
Let him know that you don't expect to control his mind, obviously, but that it's too weird for his online ladyfriend to be a player in your fantasy-talk during sex.
Also seconding that he probably knows this already from your reaction.
posted by desuetude at 3:37 PM on January 11, 2008
Let him know that you don't expect to control his mind, obviously, but that it's too weird for his online ladyfriend to be a player in your fantasy-talk during sex.
Also seconding that he probably knows this already from your reaction.
posted by desuetude at 3:37 PM on January 11, 2008
I just want to point out that almost nobody ever gets such a "sounds like you're thinking about this perfectly, you will handle this just fine" response on AskMe.
posted by salvia at 9:23 PM on January 11, 2008
posted by salvia at 9:23 PM on January 11, 2008
You have the right to ask for what you want and don't want in your relationship. You have the right to set boundaries that are dealbreakers for you. Stick to those.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:37 PM on January 11, 2008
posted by Ironmouth at 9:37 PM on January 11, 2008
This thread is closed to new comments.
Heh. Yeah, I don't think you have anything to worry about here. As soon as you dropped out of the conversation, that was probably a big red flag that he'd crossed the line. It happens. I'm sure that he knows it happened. If he goes there again, just be blunt and tell him it's a fantasy that doesn't work for you...but I don't think that it's gonna happen again.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 11:09 AM on January 11, 2008