What does "crash at my place" mean really?

December 28, 2007 9:38 AM

Stupid dating question involving New Year's Eve and an invitation to "crash at my place".

Ok, so I know this guy. We went out once and ended up back at my place (I know, I know). He spent the night but we didn't do the nasty.

Fast forward a few months to now. We've tried to get together since The Night but have failed miserably. Finally we make plans for New Year's Eve. A charity benefit in his neighborhood.

In an email, he said "xxx bar is a few blocks away from my place. We can crash at my place if you want."

So, what does that mean? Should I be bringing a toothbrush and change of clothes, or is it a more casual, we're to drunk to do anything else kind of thing? I am 100% positive I am overthinking this but I don't want to mess this up because he's actually pretty cool (and best of all he's interested!).

posted by BuddhaBelly to Human Relations (30 answers total)

I think he's probably putting the idea "out there", for you to take as you will. Bring the toothbrush and extra duds, and see where the evening leads.
posted by Optamystic at 9:45 AM on December 28, 2007

Bring condoms, too.
posted by Carol Anne at 9:48 AM on December 28, 2007

Yep, bring the overnight bag.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:48 AM on December 28, 2007

Yeah, he's floating a trial balloon. He's waiting to see if you up the ante. If you want to up the ante, tell him "sure, I'll bring a toothbrush and a change of clothes".
posted by mpls2 at 9:49 AM on December 28, 2007

Or if you want to lower the ante ask him if he's got a futon.
posted by furtive at 9:52 AM on December 28, 2007 [2 favorites]

I'd bring them. If you're unsure about how it goes, leave it in the car and don't mention it unless he does first.
posted by Industrial PhD at 9:52 AM on December 28, 2007

My advice (as a guy) is to say "Thanks for the heads-up. Let's see what happens."

Sure, you shouldn't need to play games, etc., but if this is only your second date, and it's been months since the first one, and you want more than just sex, I think you should at least make him wait until the end of the evening to find out whether you're sleeping over.
posted by bingo at 9:57 AM on December 28, 2007 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Industrial PhD - would love to do that but HE's picking me up.
posted by BuddhaBelly at 9:59 AM on December 28, 2007

Bring an overnight bag and leave it in your car until you need it. That way, he doesn't see it and instantly have expectations. Alternatively, if he didn't mean what it sounds like he means - no embarrassment for you, 'cuz he doesn't have to know you came prepared! That's what I used to do in the early stages of my most recent relationship.
posted by katillathehun at 10:16 AM on December 28, 2007

"sure, I'll bring a toothbrush and a change of clothes"

Please don't say this. That would absolutely freak most guys out for what is essentially a second date. Guys don't think that deep or practically, trust me. Plus it makes you seem way to eager, which can be a turn off. Speaking as a guy I like some ambiguity as to whether I'm going to get noogie time with a date, plus if you're a little vague about it, he'll work harder for it.

If you're comfortable with a potential sleep over that might include sex just say, "Awesome. See you at 8pm." Or whatever. If you don't want to do the sleep over then say, "Can't wait to see you, but I have to be up early the next morning, so I can't stay out too late and will need to get home at a reasonable hour."

If you can fit a tooth brush and some condoms in your purse then go for it - don't bring an over night bag unless you can leave it in you car. (Regardless you should be able to at least fit some condoms in your coat pocket. Yeah, the guy *should* have some, but don't count it.)

And yes, you are WAY too over thinking this. Relax. Have fun.
posted by wfrgms at 10:17 AM on December 28, 2007

I think you can probably get away with a change of clothes because you'll be (I assume?) in formal wear, which is not the most practical or comfortable thing to stay clothed in for long periods of time. I'd buy a travel toothbrush that folded up small enough to fit in my purse, and email asking if he'd mind if you stashed some comfortable clothes and shoes in his car so that you didn't have to wear uncomfortable heels all evening. (That is, it seems reasonable to me to want to change your clothes even if you're not sleeping at his place, in this situation.)

If it's not a formal event, however, I'd not mess with the change of clothes.
posted by occhiblu at 10:21 AM on December 28, 2007 [3 favorites]

Like you said, he's interested.
posted by apetpsychic at 10:26 AM on December 28, 2007

Yep, he's floating the invite to see what happens. But egads, don't say that you're bringing a change of clothes and a toothbrush. Put the toothbrush and condoms in your purse just in case. As occhiblu said, change of clothes for comfort if you're going to be dressed up for the festivities, otherwise, as 23skiddoo said, consistent with early-dating sex.
posted by desuetude at 10:29 AM on December 28, 2007

Yeah, at this stage, the sleepover doesn't involve your personal belongings, it involves the disheveled morning "walk of shame" (though it doesn't sound like you're walking home).

Not being you, and not knowing the guy, what *I* would be worried about is whether I'm *expected* to stay the night. It's NYE so you're going to be drinking, but what if you just want to go home afterwards? What if his behavior isn't all that? Again, not being the person in the situation, I'd be most worried about an exit strategy.

Second, I'd be worried about making my interests clear to him. By crashing at his place, he might assume you're going to do the nasty, but if you don't want to go that far, he needs to know that up front and be cool with it. Nothing worse than the morning drive home when everyone's uncomfortable.

But from the tone of your post it doesn't sound like you're worried about those things, which is of course totally fine and fantastic -- I guess I'm suddenly feeling maternal or something. ;) So in that case, crashing at his place does not mean bring a change of clothes, it means you have a place to sleep (whether it be his bed or sofa) so nobody has to drive anywhere or worry about getting home afterwards. :) I'd make sure I have a brush/comb in my purse. Have fun!
posted by iguanapolitico at 10:31 AM on December 28, 2007

If you don't want a full change of clothes, a toothbrush and a change of undies will probably fit in a not too large purse. That's most of what I care about in the morning anyway as long as I have a shower available. And that doesn't require an overnight bag and is plausibly something you'd keep in your purse at all times so there isn't anything to explain or whatever. He can assume whatever he wants, but I sincerely doubt he's going to mind that you stay over (for presumably sex) and you have, omg!, a toothbrush in the morning. Any guy who cares about that is not worth worrying about.
posted by R343L at 10:32 AM on December 28, 2007 [1 favorite]

I don't get it the dilemma. If you make out constantly from 1:00am to 1:00pm, or if you get drunk off your ass and can't drive home, and fall asleep drooling and/or vomitting on his sofa, either way it will be nice to have a toothbrush! A change of clothes is really only necessary if you're going to stay in the morning (afternoon, probably for my new years days) for brunch or what have you, IMO. Leave the spare clothes in your car, bring your toothbrush in your handbag or purse, if you have one.

As for what to expect, you're probably better off expecting nothing, but being ready for everything! That's actually a pretty good approach to life, IMO.

Good luck!
posted by aubilenon at 10:33 AM on December 28, 2007

Well, what did happen when he spent the night? Why didn't you knock boots?


So, what does that mean?

Either ask him what he means or wear sexy underwear, pack condoms and see how the night goes. You are totally and completely over thinking this.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:49 AM on December 28, 2007

It could go either way, he's leaving it open. There's nothing wrong with bringing a bag with a change of clothes, a toothbrush and some prophylactics. Should you need them, either due to crashing on his couch or in his bed, they will be welcome. Should you, at the end of the evening, decide that you'd rather head home for whatever reason, no biggie. It's not like you having a daypack with a pair of jeans and a t-shirt in it creates a contractual obligation for sex.
posted by mumkin at 11:09 AM on December 28, 2007

Definitely bring a toothbrush. I keep one in my purse even why I'm flying somewhere overnight because I simply cannot go to sleep without brushing my teeth first. As for bringing anything else, maybe you could say something to him like "I wouldn't mind crashing at your place, that way we can both relax and have fun and you won't have to worry about driving me home afterward. The only thing is, I really don't feel human in the morning until I've had a chance to clean up - would you mind terribly if I showered at your place?" Or something along those lines. And you might get additional signals from his response. He might say "of course, bring whatever you'll need" or something like that to indicate that he was expecting a romantic night. Or he might stammer and say "Um, OK, sure, I guess...I'll check and see if I've got any clean towels..." in which case his plan was just to offer you a couch to crash on until you both sobered up. But I don't think he would've extended the invitation were he not interested. Hope you both have a great time!
posted by Oriole Adams at 11:26 AM on December 28, 2007

"when" I'm flying, darnit.
posted by Oriole Adams at 11:26 AM on December 28, 2007

It's perfectly reasonable to bring a backpack or something just in case you actually do crash there.
posted by rhizome at 11:27 AM on December 28, 2007

This is what travel sized toothbrushes and "all in one compacts" are made for. Stash those in your purse and you'll be good to go, without him knowing it. (Like everyone else, i think it's good to be prepared but not good to let him know it.)
posted by Kololo at 11:27 AM on December 28, 2007

i'm with mumkin. you like this guy right? just bring the bag - it means nothing, you know it may be a long night and you're just being prepared. your control test could be, would you bring a bag if this wasn't a date, just a friend who gives you the option to crash if you're out late? I'll always have a bag if i think there's a chance i'll be crashing someplace (regardless of the option of sex) - at least in the morning i don't feel grody if we go out for breakfast or have errands to run in the morning.
posted by camdan at 11:36 AM on December 28, 2007

1. Reply: Sounds awesome. See you at 8pm

2. Bring the bag. Say nothing about it (you are way too cool for that!). Leave it either at his house or in his car.
posted by zia at 12:26 PM on December 28, 2007

What? Half the fun of spending the night is the feeling of accomplishment of wearing the same clothes home the next day, right?
posted by These Premises Are Alarmed at 12:29 PM on December 28, 2007

Borrow some of his clothes. Important note: this is something only women can do.
posted by dhartung at 1:48 PM on December 28, 2007 [1 favorite]

Don't bring a friggin bag of clothes. Bring a toothbrush and condoms. You can borrow a t-shirt in the morning, or just wear the same clothes. It's NYE, there will be plenty of people walking around in their party clothes on January 1st, who cares if you have to trudge home in a dress?
posted by jckll at 2:49 PM on December 28, 2007

Do whatever you want to do.
posted by Furious Fitness at 2:32 AM on December 29, 2007

OK, He says "You can crash at my place". If you are interested in actually "crashing" there, then you would be bringing your toothbrush and a change of clothes, no? If he is actually floating the option of sleeping together, that toothbrush and change of clothes would be mighty handy - good thing you were bringing them anyway! See, there is no weirdness in bringing your stuff if you were going to stay there regardless of the end result.

If you are declining the invitation for any reason, this is moot.

So, if you say yes to crashing at his place, bring a bag and then see where things go.

Beans, meet plate. Now "over-think"!
posted by qwip at 4:00 AM on December 29, 2007

I think it's fine to bring a bag, since he's already broached the subject way in advance. I mean if you were crashing on a friend's couch you wouldn't think twice about bringing a bag, so just treat it like that.
posted by whoaali at 7:49 AM on December 30, 2007