Quashing the email enthusiast

November 8, 2007 1:02 PM

Too nice for my own good: how to handle email enthusiasts?

I've worked in radio for a while but have only recently (past 24 months or so) gotten into a public-facing position where I'm on the air a lot. Talking into a microphone can get isolating, and I actually enjoy receiving the occasional email from a person who appreciates what I'm doing. I look forward to the occasional, "Hey, heard you last night, enjoyed your show," or whatever. That's not a problem.

But I have two people who email me a lot, and it's getting weird with these guys. One has suggested out of the blue that we have lunch. I put the kibosh on that suggestion, but he still emails me. Another guy, who I thought was a sweet older guy that there was no harm in corresponding with--he would talk about his hip operation and stuff--just gave me his phone number. What the heck am I supposed to do with that?

When someone contacts me for the first time and I respond, I'm still representing the station I work for. So my habit up to now has been to be friendly and accessible. I need to make some response--it's a PR thing. But I'm obviously going too far in certain cases, or these inexhaustible yakkers wouldn't be targeting me.

With these two guys, I'll probably just stop responding. But in future: should I make a policy of limiting the number of times I respond to new people? Or should I be wording things so as to sound super-official rather than warm and personal? Give me some boilerplate that sounds friendly but doesn't make me sound like I'm looking to be asked out on a date.

posted by frosty_hut to Work & Money (11 answers total)

I'm obviously going too far in certain cases, or these inexhaustible yakkers wouldn't be targeting me.

Don't blame yourself, you're going to get psychos no matter what you do.

should I make a policy

No. Just stop writing back when you stop feeling comfortable.
posted by grouse at 1:11 PM on November 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

You used the word "targeted" to describe your situation. The key to any response to unsolicited behavior is to not act as if you are targeted. It is the nature of the entertainment business to "put yourself out there" as an entertainer, but maintain very defined borders of privacy. Feel confident defining those borders with people; avoid vagueness, because it is a sign of weakness. And fans tend to capitalize on said weakness - sometimes unintentionally - in a predatory fashion.

My suggestion would be to flat-out lie about some stated policy you have at the work place, if you don't have one. I would also create the impression that you have a lot of emails to go through, and do things such as delay your responses, and explain things as politely and as succintly as possible. I would do all this while remaining consistently friendly and accessible. They key is to show restraint in YOUR responses. Try to remember that's all you have control of, and you won't feel either way about his emails. "I can't do lunch. And from a professional standpoint, any personal interactions with my listeners could cost me my job. So, thank you for the compliment, but no." No further explanation necessary.

At the point where HIS responses become threatening, I would recommend contacting your superiors and have their lawyer give them a call, to wish him a nice day. And again, don't feel targeted. Similar things happen to a lot of people, all the time. You're safe.
posted by phaedon at 1:49 PM on November 8, 2007

I don't have a boilerplate answer to give you, but wanted to let you off the hook a little: There are people out there who will latch onto/become obsessed with ANYONE. Especially anyone who answers them back. There are many who 'trawl' their particular interests - actors, on-air personalities, whatever - and just wait for a bite.

My brother was an actor when he was a kid and did a few parts. Nothing huge, though some parts were meaty enough that you might remember that bit of the movie or TV show. However, I wouldn't have thought anyone would single his performance out as something fabulous to really obsess over. Well, wrong. He started getting fanmail from really delusional people - some inviting him over for dinner (he was 7or 8 at the time) and other completely inappropriate things. These are people who just randomly write to agents/trawl IMDB, and I imagine you'll get your share of these guys.

Just to present a counterpoint that it may not be all your fault! Now what to do about that, I'm not sure. I'd probably run it by your PR department and get an OK for when it's OK for you to simply not respond.
posted by widdershins at 1:52 PM on November 8, 2007

You need a new term in your vocabulary. The term is "bozo bin". It means that you set your email program to automatically trashcan anything that comes from certain email addresses -- so you don't see them, and they don't affect your state of mind.

Anyone who is high profile and has an accessible email address eventually attracts people who need to go into the bozo bin.
posted by Steven C. Den Beste at 1:53 PM on November 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

I had problems with people doing things like that out of the blue to me at a time when I had a higher profile position than I currently hold. I want to reassure you that you aren't doing anything to prompt this behavior - even the most minor public figure gets loopy people sending odd, overfamiliar emails. In my experience every woman who works in the public eye has several stories about people who failed to recognize that being cordial was part of the woman's job and acted on a perceived romantic relationship with no encouragement from that public figure.

I would talk to PR about the situation just to clarify, but let me tell you what finally helped me.

You have to remind yourself that being a public figure does not mean that you 'owe' anything to the public other than courtesy within the parameters of your job. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable it is not your job to continue to permit them access to you.

Also, if you simply stop responding to their emails they might ramp up the attempts to reach you. I'd email them and politely tell them that while you appreciate their kindness, you are simply doing your job of outreach to the community. Perhaps depending on your circumstances you'd want to reword it, but I've found that reminding people tactfully that being professionally courteous is part of your job tends to act like a bucket of cold water unless they're really crazy. They won't like you very much for that reminder, but most of the time it's a good rebuff without being rude.
posted by winna at 2:45 PM on November 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

Seconding earlier answers, especially phaedon.

Just to reiterate, this isn't you, it's them. (I did a brief slot as a student radio DJ, real low level, and even I got this sort of thing once: I had one woman call me 3 or 4 times in a show, then when I mentioned my girlfriend on air, she rang back and started insulting me...)

I see nothing wrong with replying to one-off emails, but if they keep writing back and being too chatty or inappropriately personal, don't have any hesitation to killfile them. You don't need to be too nice, basically.
posted by Infinite Jest at 3:24 PM on November 8, 2007

Like Infinite Jest, I got a few date requests just from being a DJ on my college station (they liked to call, not email, though). My tactic was to put the kibosh on anything remotely personal, keep the calls as short as possible, and make myself a little more cold every time they called (I got more freaked out every time, so the chill was natural). If they asked me out (or invited me to get free booze from their wine store because I was still 20...) I just said that I wasn't interested and/or lied that I had a boyfriend.

If I were you, I wouldn't tell them outright that you didn't want to email anymore, but I would take some of the suggestions above and start spacing out responses considerably. They're probably just lonely and think they have a semi-famous friend now. For future emailers, I would only respond quickly on the first one, then trail off. That's my two cents.
posted by parkerjackson at 4:19 PM on November 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

Stay yourself for the first response. Then for any further e-mails have a form email that really really sounds like a form email:

Dear Listener

Thank-you for taking an interest in our radio show. We hope you enjoy future shows and remain a loyal listener.

Yours
The Radio Show Team
posted by meech at 5:56 PM on November 8, 2007 [4 favorites]

I have a close friend who is a reporter, and she has some readers who write to her regularly. What she's done that seems to keep an appropriate distance without alienating is to keep all responses short, no more than a few lines. This lets them feel heard but also makes clear that she's a busy person responding in a professional, not personal, capacity.
posted by notashroom at 6:06 PM on November 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

My suggestion would be to email back with "thanks for your thoughts about the program" or whatever, but don't ever comment/respond to their personal information unless you WANT to have a friendly association with them. Yes, if you get into a back and forth personal-style conversation people are going to assume you're being friendly because you like them.

Most likely the lunch guy was looking for a friendly lunch, or a date, but I know people who have made friends and dates from more unlikely situations. It's not creepy unless it has been really one-sided, and it sounds to me like you've been too nice to make your boundaries clear.

Some of the other situations here are good too, like never be too prompt to respond to fan mail, even when you feel like you should respond.

And I definitely agree that you'll get your share of creepy stalker-types if you're in the public eye. Good luck!
posted by tejolote at 11:47 PM on November 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

It could be something as simple as the way you sign off.
As in -

"... feel free to reply to this and then trap me into even more emails,
Fondest Regards,
*sigh* Your new best friend."

Or

"... it was nice to hear from you this one time...
Bye now,
Busy Lady."

You know what I'm getting at.
You could still be friendly just as long as you're NOT at the end :)
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 11:28 AM on November 9, 2007