Like a Virgin

November 7, 2007 12:50 PM

I'm a woman in my early 30s, and I've met a man I really, really like who seems to like me back. The problem? I haven't had sex in almost 5 years.

I've always been openminded and sex-positive, but my libido has always been way low. I've probably only had sex 10 times, if that. It almost always hurt, because I was almost always faking it. I know that didn't help.

For the past 3 years, my libido has been nonexistent. I considered whether I might be a lesbian or asexual, but no, I'm just a straight lady with a basement-dwelling libido.

After several trips to GYNs and Endocrinologists and Psychiatrists, there is no real answer, except that my thyroid has been a little low and my birth control might have been to blame. (And it was!)

I've switched to a new pill, started an antidepressant, and feel better than ever. For the first time in my life, I actually want to have sex. Not al the time or anything, but obvy. the chemistry was out of whack before. But I feel horribly inexperienced and nervous as can be.

So, Hive Mind, how best to proceed? Should I tell him? How? I am in favor of good communication, I just don't want to freak him out or make him nervous. Or humiliate myself. I mean, if it's going to be clumsy and bad, then I want him to know that there's a reason why. Right?

And are there any good sites you know of that might help me refresh my, erm, skills and expectations? I don't want porn, I want a source for good, solid advice.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (31 answers total)

Go for it. Even if it's been five years, you only live once.
posted by parmanparman at 12:55 PM on November 7, 2007 [2 favorites]

Enthusiasm is the key. Sounds like you got it.
posted by milarepa at 1:00 PM on November 7, 2007

sexuality.org has lots of good reading.

On the communication front, enthusiasm and letting him know you're up for a lot of practice/ learning couldn't hurt!
posted by stratastar at 1:00 PM on November 7, 2007

Buy some lubricant. That can help with discomfort a lot of the time.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 1:01 PM on November 7, 2007

There is nothing the slightest bit wrong with being inexperienced. Tell him where you're coming from; if he's worth sleeping with in the first place, he'll understand.
posted by ook at 1:06 PM on November 7, 2007

nthing enthusiam is very desirable. lube is always good...and don't be afraid to practice beforehand.
posted by mmascolino at 1:11 PM on November 7, 2007

Masturbate. Seriously, figure out what you like so you can communicate that to a partner and gain a bit of confidence There was a recent thread recommending vibrators.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:11 PM on November 7, 2007

I don't think you need to go into great detail, "I've never had a high libido, etc..." I think a "It's been a while." will suffice. The "hasn't been super experienced" seems to be a good thing for guys, so I wouldn't worry too much about being "bad at it".

On the other front, lube, wine and being worked up enough for it will make things all the better.
posted by Gucky at 1:12 PM on November 7, 2007

A real man will help and will be kind and will increase the mutual pleasuring as you respond. Lube is good, fingers are good, toys are good.

Having a medical situation that changes is a simple almost perfect opening to reveal your needs and wants and again a real man wants his partner happy.
posted by Freedomboy at 1:14 PM on November 7, 2007

Oh and definitely tell him. Any guy who freaks out about it is someone you don't want to this with. and it's pratically impossible to humilate yourself with this.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:15 PM on November 7, 2007

You shouldn't really bring it up with him until actual sexy-time is imminent. If you're just out on a date and bring it up, he could think any number of things, and all of them are bound to make him probably freak out a little bit. "I have to be awesome!" etc.

When it does come time for it you can be just as honest as you felt comfortable being for your actual first time.

I think sex is something that's different for every person and every couple engaging in it. You just have to do what you want, what you're comfortable with, and what will make you feel good. Talking things out beforehand will help with that, but if you're worried about making him nervous, just sound as laid-back about it as you possibly can. The less nervous you seem, the less nervous he'll get.

I can't help you out with any refresher sites, unfortunately, but best of luck!!! Have a great time!!!
posted by slyboots421 at 1:17 PM on November 7, 2007

Since you're taking anti-depressants, be aware that they can not only lower your libido but can also make orgasm difficult. I know, it's a cruel trick since that's what you're trying to overcome, but the good news is that if you experience those side effects, your doc can probably tweak your prescription to alleviate some of those problems. But do be aware of this possibility so that you don't get even more frustrated about what's "wrong" with you when you might actually be making the problem worse with the anti-depressants.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 1:17 PM on November 7, 2007

Things are often a bit awkward with a new partner. Don't stress that it's not soap-opera-perfect. He isn't expecting that.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are not a freak. Relax and allow yourself to enjoy learning.

(And no more faking!)
posted by 26.2 at 1:21 PM on November 7, 2007

Seconding open communication. If he's a decent guy, he'll want to help you enjoy sex as much as possible. Be (or try to be) self-confident and sexy, and you will most likely feel self-confident and sexy. Feeling sexy usually leads to less anxious sex, which should feel better generally. As milarepa said, enthusiasm goes a long way. There's no reason for you to feel embarassed about your situation, and I firmly believe there is no wrong way to have sex, as long as you're both consenting adults.

With that said, make certain that you are ready before you move forward with each actual step. Sex was really unpleasant for me for years because I didn't realize that I wasn't physically ready to have sex. I think that you being nervous or worried might slow the process down, so remember to take your time, and also, lubricant helps. A lot.
posted by mitzyjalapeno at 1:22 PM on November 7, 2007

You should keep communications open, yet at the same time you don't have to spill all the beans. You can say something like, "It's been a while, so I'm a little out of practice," and go from there. (BTW, I believe most guys would be absolutely flattered that they were the one worth waiting for! You won't have sex with just anyone, but HE was the one with whom you chose to end your dry spell! That has to be an ego-boost.)

Nthing lube, and you want a good-quality one like Astroglide or Pink. Also remember you don't have to rush right into penis-in-vagina sex. Try some massage, extended foreplay, in general have fun and enjoy the journey.

Finally, don't forget that the first time having sex with any two people is going to be a bit awkward. You're just getting to know each other, and what your partner likes, and so on. And if your partner is any kind of decent guy, he will understand.

Have fun!
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 1:25 PM on November 7, 2007

1.
practice alone. get some toys to make it fun. read sexy stuff / look at sexy pictures, to give your libido a little more push and help you feel more comfortable in that zone.

2.
for now, maybe just tell him it's been a while for you and you're enjoying it so much, you want to take it slow. be sure to phrase this in an inviting, teasing, open way, as opposed to a defensive, shutdowny sort of way. be very enthusiastic about however far you're taking it on any given day.

3.
later, when you feel ready, tell him more specifically the kind of "while" you mean and a bit about how it's been awkward in the past, but how you're excited to turn a new page with him.

4.
take things really slow. slow enough that you feel like you really enjoy and are really comfortable with each step of the way before moving on to the next step.

5.
when you feel ready, go for it! i bet he'll be kind of excited to help you discover sex in a new, fun way. enjoy!
posted by twistofrhyme at 1:32 PM on November 7, 2007

i wouldn't get into it with him beyond "it's been a little while" when things start getting heavy. that's all he needs to know. he doesn't need to know about your low libido, your anti-depressants, etc. those conversations are for when you're in an established relationships, not the first few dates.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 1:33 PM on November 7, 2007

I'm a man in my mid-30's, and I can tell you that there is nothing more exciting than relaxed confidence. I wouldn't care a wit if a woman hadn't had a whole lot of sex, provided that she was game to try my game and not overly worried about the whole thing.

Too much discussion can be a killer; you know that. Also, don't be appologetic about your situation. You've no reason to be.

Also-also; please yourself. That's the sexiest thing you can do. Seriously.
posted by Pecinpah at 1:39 PM on November 7, 2007

Seconding the "Easy tiger, it's been awhile" advice. As a guy, this would be an easily understood way of setting the stage.
posted by rhizome at 1:39 PM on November 7, 2007

Yeah, I would build up to it. Definitely be frank with him without doing the whole "let me pull you aside like I'm about to tell you I'm a cannibal" thing.

Just make it fun and lighthearted and slow. Very slow-going. Like when you go to actually do something, there should be no rush whatsoever. Things should take a nice, long time.

I think you can tell the time is right when it feels like your whole body is the same temperature, and the same temperature as his. It doesn't have to be perfect, I'm just describing the general feeling.
posted by cashman at 1:41 PM on November 7, 2007

Now lets take it from a guys point of view. ( I am one)
If a girl that i was seeing told me she was very inexperienced, and that her libido was low for some time i'd feel kind of special to even know that she wants to have sex with me. If that makes any sense
posted by kowboy at 1:51 PM on November 7, 2007

how best to proceed? Should I tell him? How? I am in favor of good communication, I just don't want to freak him out or make him nervous. Or humiliate myself. I mean, if it's going to be clumsy and bad, then I want him to know that there's a reason why. Right?

What makes you think that it is going to be clumsy and bad? And if it is clumsy and bad, what makes you think that it is going to be related to your inexperience or your fault in any way? If it is clumsy or bad, maybe his game isn't so great. Whether someone is good in bed or bad in bed has more to do with attitude, interest and desire and less to do with experience.

Relax, enjoy yourself and go for it. Don't issue disclaimers ahead of time. It isn't a communication issue, in most cases the previous experience discussion does not come up before pre-first-time-with-new-partner. In a lot of relationships, a high degree of emotional intimacy usually comes after physical intimacy. In light of that, there is absolutely no way you can communicate your inexperience or lack of recent experience without making him wonder if you have hang-ups, issue and reservations. Even if you don't, and you say you don't, it is going to be near-impossible to make him think otherwise. I don't know if it will freak him out, but it will make him nervous about your expectations and how he should proceed. In general it will not lead to a night of wild crazy passion, and wild, crazy passion may be all you need to bring you out of your shell.

Afterwards - and I mean at another point in time, not pillow talk immediately following - you'll both want to talk about preferences, turn-ons, etc. That's probably a good time to bring it up.
posted by necessitas at 2:07 PM on November 7, 2007

2nd kowboy
posted by nameless.k at 2:11 PM on November 7, 2007

red wine and sue johansen. she has a call-in show that's great and she doesn't ever make anyone feel stupid.
posted by thinkingwoman at 2:48 PM on November 7, 2007

The worst thing of all is to worry about it. If you worry, then you'll get stressed, then you'll tense up, then you'll think about it too much etc...

Just go with the flow and enjoy yourself :)

If I found out my potential girlfriend had only ever slept with someone perhaps ten times in her life, it would be something special not anything to look at in a negative way.
posted by stackhaus23 at 3:33 PM on November 7, 2007

Consider also that Cool New Guy might have been through a dry spell himself - if not now, then previously. Many, many people go through periods of years where they don't have sex. This whole notion of singles leading freewheeling, libertine, Sex-and-the-City lifestyles of endless bed-hopping and hawwt secks doesn't apply to most people. And for those who do - often they find that this gets old, fast.

Bottom line: You are not the only woman (or man) who has not had sex for years. You are not undesirable, a freak, or a loser. Don't slouch around like you have a scarlet C for Celibate tattooed on your forehead. Focus on having a fun time with Cool New Guy instead.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 4:12 PM on November 7, 2007 [2 favorites]

Look into Passion Parties? They're not porn, but just a bunch of women who get together and talk shop, and take a few toys out for a test drive.

Similarly, Toys in Babeland is not only filled with quality toys, but singularly lovely people who can talk the jitters out of anyone. They've got stores in Seattle and NYC.
posted by laughinglikemad at 6:49 PM on November 7, 2007

IMHO, it ain't about the sex - leave the physical to take care of itself - far more important is that you have your head in the right place (fnnar fnnar:)

Being / acting / behaviourally conveying inexperience whilst having an open mind and with CONFIDENCE will carry you through almost anything you can imagine ( and some you probably can't) and will yield the most enjoyable results :)

Everyones advice above though all leads to that point, via different routes - so go forth and have fun !
posted by DrtyBlvd at 2:28 AM on November 8, 2007

The more you know that you like him, the better. Everyone has some sort of problem or another with sex, so they will understand. Take it slow, let him KNOW you like him and are attracted to him and you will be fine. Just make sure that he doesn't think it is a lack of attraction on your part, but your own needed baby steps and you will be fine.
posted by Ironmouth at 3:05 PM on November 8, 2007

misanthropicsarah: i wouldn't get into it with him beyond "it's been a little while" when things start getting heavy. that's all he needs to know. he doesn't need to know about your low libido, your anti-depressants, etc. those conversations are for when you're in an established relationships, not the first few dates.

Yup. I would save this for the groping-and-undressing stage, and then just say, "Be gentle! It's been a while for me."

Don't worry; it's like riding a bike. (heh)
posted by loiseau at 8:42 PM on November 8, 2007

practice makes permanent...masturbation will probably increase your libido, or at the very least help you understand your body.

sex for one is a good reading resource (+some toys & your on your way)...enjoy
posted by hazel at 11:57 PM on November 8, 2007