How to avoid the holidays without causing a big riff in the family?

October 27, 2007 2:46 PM

Is there a way to excuse oneself from family obligations during the holidays? A way that would minimize gossip and guilt-trips? Any successes out there?

Because everyone probably has messed up families, I'll keep it short: Over the last year I had several times where I was in need of some non-financial help. Looking back, out of the tunnel, I can see how as one friend put it, "your family is just kind of a bunch of assholes."

They're not terribly toxic, like many other families I've read on here, just sort of very status conscious. I've been distancing myself by not attending lesser gatherings, but have a feeling that the major holidays are more of a must. I'd like to avoid them at all costs while minimizing the drama.

Has anyone successfully avoided the holidays? Directly saying I don't want to go would cause unnecessary fights and gossip. I'd like to recuse myself to minimize this. I'm sure I'm not the first person on here to deal with this, so personal stories about what to expect or what not to do would be welcome.

Seeing them every couple of years would be more than enough for me, and I'd like to enjoy the holiday season again.

posted by anonymous to Society & Culture (22 answers total)

Volunteer to serve meals at a soup kitchen.
posted by 45moore45 at 2:54 PM on October 27, 2007 [1 favorite]

Is there someone else, like a friend you can visit instead?
posted by amethysts at 3:01 PM on October 27, 2007

Be out of the country. Perhaps a vacation?
posted by blue_beetle at 3:03 PM on October 27, 2007 [2 favorites]

Just plan a vacation for the holidays and tell your family that you won't make it this year, but will see them next year. And don't care about gossip or get into any family fights. Just be firm and do what you want to do.

Once you start a pattern of visiting every other year, it'll be accepted.
posted by ShooBoo at 3:04 PM on October 27, 2007 [1 favorite]

I'm sorry but you can't change what their behaviour or response will be, but you can adjust yours. So maybe ring and say, "Hi guys, just wanted to let you know I can't make it back for Xmas."
Them: @#$%$@
You: Yeah sorry, but I'll defintely be there next year.
Them: Why not?
You: Other plans, can't make it.
Them: Snipe, snipe, snipe.
You: Other plans, can't make it.

The trick is to be politely repetitive until they get sick of badgering you. Unfortunately, depending on how twisted they are, they will still gossip and bitch about you, but you don't have to carry that if you don't want. That's their problem.
posted by b33j at 3:09 PM on October 27, 2007 [2 favorites]

Just tell them you can't make it. You don't have to give them a reason. If they want a reason tell them you're busy/can't get time off.

Above all else: Don't make it more complicated than it is. You don't want to go so don't go. If other people want to be assholes about it the only thing you can do is control yourself.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 3:10 PM on October 27, 2007

I can vouch that moving from the UK to Canada was an excellent way of doing it. Instead of the boring, round robin, trip that Christmas usually is, I spent it wandering a deserted Toronto and taking pictures of things.

I then cooked myself a massive roast dinner and watched a film. Awesome.

I know it's not everyone's idea of fun, but I usually find Christmas exhausting - even without the 'my parents or hers' debate - due to planning which parent (they divorced at an early point in my life) to spend which period with, and for how long, and the constant points scoring that went on.

A drastic solution, but not one I'd reverse at all...
posted by Brockles at 3:26 PM on October 27, 2007

I opted out of holidays with my family at some point. Over time I tried a bunch of different techniques, some of which might work for you.

- soup kitchen/homeless shelter
- friend/boyfriend, going to their place instead (this usually works for Thanksgiving/Xmas but not both)
- moved far away couldn't afford ticket (sort of passive aggressive, not a great plan)
- hung out with one family member but didn't go "home" (this is perfect)
- hung out with friend who was recently divorced, needed a buddy (works once)
- sick (also weirdly passive aggressive seeming, even if true)
- made plans for a few days after the holidays for a visit (also perfect)
- "international trip" (then go to Canada)
- you have some new way to religiously observe that is not in fitting with what they are doing (can backfire, badly)

Really after the first few years, they'll get the idea. Then you can decide if you're relieved or a little sad to no longer be asked. Other good tips to go along with this include

- be very nice and gracious when you do see them. No need for them to think you're not hanging out with them because you dislike them. Even if true, when you see them, be decent.
- go visit them with friends (or a simpatico sibling?), this can diffuse many bad family situations and can also help with...
- go visit them in small doses. Maybe go for Xmas dinner and skip out for any of the reasons above?
- use some variant of the "it's not you it's me" line and just let them bitch. Basically if you want them to be happy, they won't be, or not at first. They may be a little more pleasant if you treat it like "hey taking a big hike with my dog on Thanksgiving is really what makes me happy so that's what I'm doing. I'll see you guys in early December for tree trimming..."

At this point, my usual MO is to do nothing for Thanksgiving (nothing specific) and then spend Xmas with my sister doing ... something, usually involving Chinese food and all-day movies. My family is happy that I'm not alone (for some reason this really bothers them) and that the two of us are doing something that makes us happy. Usually I go see my Dad and his wife at some point before New Years and we have a meal and they tell me about their holiday and I am happy to hear about it. I see my Mom on total-non-holiday times because she carries around a lot of holiday agita (nurses old hurts about past holidays, touchy and emotionally volatile) and I just decided, for me, that that's not how I'm spending what is already a somewhat problematic time for me.

Hope that helps, best of luck finding some decent solution.
posted by jessamyn at 3:27 PM on October 27, 2007 [6 favorites]

If you're far away, you could claim you can't take time off from work this year.
posted by brina at 3:55 PM on October 27, 2007

b33j has it. don't lie, don't make it more complicated than it is.

if you can't bring yourself to be that vague, you could always say, "you know, i've had a very rough year and it would mean a lot to spend the holidays with the people who helped me the most."

then spend christmas with your friends.
posted by thinkingwoman at 3:56 PM on October 27, 2007

Another vote for b33j's solution. My brother did this; the rest of us were variously surprised and hurt, but we got over it, and he had a great time and probably enjoyed succeeding holidays more knowing that he could opt out if he wanted. You don't owe people a holiday presence, no matter how much they may think you do.
posted by languagehat at 4:45 PM on October 27, 2007

Sure, b33j has it but it's easier said than done...especially if they're the type of not-overly-toxic-but-just-toxic-enough to lay on the guilt trip. I say look for ways to be out of the country or something that requires a huge financial obligation on your part. I'm working on this myself. Good luck.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 5:41 PM on October 27, 2007

I just stopped going to the big get togethers.

About a week prior to the get together, I send the appropriate card (depending on the holiday) and a gift (gift cards and flower deliveries are wonderful).

Then again, when I moved, I didn't give any relatives my phone number. I suppose you could just screen calls.

I started this 3 years ago, and I don't get physically ill or have anxiety attacks the entire month of December anymore.
posted by xena at 5:57 PM on October 27, 2007

You didn't say whether you lived in the same area or not. If you don't, just don't go. If you do, you might have a wee bit of a bigger problem.


I'm always a big fan of honesty. I'd be tempted to say,"Look, I love you but holidays are unpleasant when you xyz so I'll pass."


I like the soup kitchen idea. Another idea is that WAffle Houses are always open, and it cheers the waitresses up if you bring them holiday candy.
posted by konolia at 6:36 PM on October 27, 2007

I stopped doing it several years ago, and claimed the holidays as my own. I created my own traditions, and invited boyfriends and my closest pals. The whole thing made me love holidays more.

I personally did not call and tell anyone that I wasn't showing up. I simply didn't promise anyone I was coming, and limited my contact to family members as much as possible.

My family didn't take it very well. They accused me of being anti-social and mean to them and blah blah blah. And I did feel hurt by it... until I heard that they were gossiping about me at the dinner, saying things that ranged from "She's just being so anti-social - I think she's on drugs" to "I heard she's knocked up" to "She doesn't want anyone to see that BLACK boyfriend o' hers!"

At that point, I realized that you can't choose your family. Unfortunately, mine is filled with tons of catty people that live in BFE that have nothing better to do than fabricate gossip. So I actively choose to spend my holidays doing anything with anyone, but I never spend them with my family. And if that makes me the black sheep, oh well.

Look, there are many perks to being an adult, and one of them is the luxury of not going to family get-togethers if you don't want to. Why would you want to spend valuable time doing something that is toxic to your well-being. Sorry, but fuck that - and fuck them.
posted by damnjezebel at 6:38 PM on October 27, 2007 [1 favorite]

There are plenty of one-off excuses for avoiding a holiday get together (see posts above). But you may still get the guilt trip from family - you chose to make other plans at a time when you're expected to do the family thing. And every year, you're going to go through the same dilemma. And at some point, they're going to twig that actually, you just don't want to spend time with them.

If you're looking for a general get-out clause, volunteering is the way to go. I started volunteering at a homeless shelter over Christmas week 6 years ago. For the same reasons as you - I'm not close to my family and to be honest, I don't like them very much, and spending 3 solid days with them is quite stressful.

So volunteering is great. Not only does it mean that no-one can guilt trip me without coming across as a bad person, but for me, it's been a fantastic experience. It's taught me new skills and I've met some amazing people that I wouldn't otherwise have met. And it's brought new meaning to Christmas (in a non-religious way) - an event that I've dreaded since I was a kid is now something that I look forward to every year.

Good luck!
posted by finding.perdita at 7:18 PM on October 27, 2007

I've always been tempted to start a tradition of going somewhere exotic over Christmas, with just myself and my partner. I know another couple who take a vacation to Mexico every Christmas...it sounds pretty ideal!
posted by pluckysparrow at 10:15 PM on October 27, 2007

Jessamyn, I realize that you're speaking from your personal experience, but:
- moved far away couldn't afford ticket (sort of passive aggressive, not a great plan)
didn't ring true for me; when I needed to get away from certain people/attitudes, I find that moving far away and not being able to afford a ticket back is wonderfully liberating over more than just holidays. Whether it's workable or appropriate, of course, depends on one's own life, lifestyle, and family.
posted by Cricket at 12:16 AM on October 28, 2007

It's your life. Do what you want. Seriously. All of my siblings (and myself) have skipped family Christmases and other major holidays, in the past. My mom is a master at guilt trips, but those only work if you're willing to take them on.

My dad and step-mom go on cruises every year over Christmas and except for the gifts they send out, they don't celebrate. I asked him why they started that tradition, once, and he told me it was because they got sick of moping around the house and wishing us kids were there to celebrate it with.

You owe it to yourself to do what you want, over Christmas. Be with who you want to be with, celebrate it (or don't) the way you want. It really is that simple.
posted by routergirl at 12:19 AM on October 28, 2007

Being born on Christmas Day has actually been working out well for years now... (It's my birthday and I do as I please on that day!)

But it also seems I do as I please on other days too...? (I liked it so much I don't do any of that other crap either.)

Be prepared for a bit of grumbling for the first few years :) (your happiness will outweigh your 'guilt' - he he!) but as you retrain them they get the idea.
Then if they try to trick you into coming they're kind of just being stupid jerks - leaving you free to respond in a tone similar to if your mum offered you something she KNOWS you hate and don't eat??!!

Ahh. :) I'm getting all excited for you!! THIS is what Christmas is all about my friend... :) (Merrycrystals!!)
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 3:13 AM on October 28, 2007

We (just this year) had a kid. Therefore we are now "a family" and can opt out of anything and everything at will! :)
posted by lowlife at 4:50 PM on October 28, 2007

Some people schedule elective surgery or dentistry around the holidays, because they have time off, and can recuperate, and because hospitals aren't as busy then. But if you don't mind spending time around hospitals, and need any work done, it's hard for family to argue with your reasoning, and it may be less painful.
posted by paulsc at 5:18 PM on October 29, 2007