How to tell roomate his girlfriend is over too much?
September 28, 2007 10:16 AM Subscribe
How do I tell my roomate/friend that his girlfriend is coming over to our apartment too much?
She's over at our place nearly every night and I'm starting to feel encroached upon. We have to watch the shows she wants to watch, I find girl hair in the shower and I generally just feel like she's a fourth roomate who doesn't pay rent and feels free to add series recordings to our DVR (which is petty I know, I know). I do like her, it's not really a personal thing but I'm a little worried that no matter what I say after I talk to my roomate he'll tell her and she'll end up getting pissed at me... Is there anyway to get what I want without making anyone mad?
She's over at our place nearly every night and I'm starting to feel encroached upon. We have to watch the shows she wants to watch, I find girl hair in the shower and I generally just feel like she's a fourth roomate who doesn't pay rent and feels free to add series recordings to our DVR (which is petty I know, I know). I do like her, it's not really a personal thing but I'm a little worried that no matter what I say after I talk to my roomate he'll tell her and she'll end up getting pissed at me... Is there anyway to get what I want without making anyone mad?
Best answer: "Hey, Housemate? I need to talk with you a minute. Here's the deal. You know I think Girlfriend is really great. But she's over here a lot, and it's starting to feel kind of cramped. I think a night or two a week [or whatever] is fine, but more than that and it starts feeling like we have a fourth roommate. It's totally nothing personal, I would feel this way about anyone. So I'd like to ask you guys to keep it to one or two nights a week [or whatever]. Are you OK with that?"
As far as making people mad goes: you really can't control their feelings. All you can do is be decent. How they react is up to them.
posted by ottereroticist at 10:26 AM on September 28, 2007 [1 favorite]
As far as making people mad goes: you really can't control their feelings. All you can do is be decent. How they react is up to them.
posted by ottereroticist at 10:26 AM on September 28, 2007 [1 favorite]
I was actually on the other side - having my girlfriend always over. My roommate did not handle it well.
Regardless of the situation he waited for rent day and told me his mom was only giving him a third of the rent and bills because of my girlfriend being over so much – YEAH SCREW HIM AND HIS BITCH MOM.
It was never discussed before that it was a problem so please use this as a case study of what not to do.
He should have told me before this was a problem and I would have obliged as I have always been one to understand group living and sharing space etiquette. Of course I would have told my girlfriend but that would have been for me to deal with and let her know that it is his right since we shared the house.
If your roommate is a considerate person he really shouldn’t have a problem doing this for you and if it is look into moving out when your lease is up. You will also need to tell him what you feel is appropriate visitation and remember that you have to follow it too!
posted by doorsfan at 10:29 AM on September 28, 2007
Regardless of the situation he waited for rent day and told me his mom was only giving him a third of the rent and bills because of my girlfriend being over so much – YEAH SCREW HIM AND HIS BITCH MOM.
It was never discussed before that it was a problem so please use this as a case study of what not to do.
He should have told me before this was a problem and I would have obliged as I have always been one to understand group living and sharing space etiquette. Of course I would have told my girlfriend but that would have been for me to deal with and let her know that it is his right since we shared the house.
If your roommate is a considerate person he really shouldn’t have a problem doing this for you and if it is look into moving out when your lease is up. You will also need to tell him what you feel is appropriate visitation and remember that you have to follow it too!
posted by doorsfan at 10:29 AM on September 28, 2007
Is there anyway to get what I want without making anyone mad?
Yeah, if you are dealing with reasonable adults, which you are probably not because they don't really exist. People take this stuff personally, even with no right to.
I had a roommate that actually moved his girlfriend in, completely moved in, her without another apartment, and didn't ask us (two other roomates) or anything. Then he *freaked* when we said something about it. Go figure.
posted by letahl at 10:31 AM on September 28, 2007
Yeah, if you are dealing with reasonable adults, which you are probably not because they don't really exist. People take this stuff personally, even with no right to.
I had a roommate that actually moved his girlfriend in, completely moved in, her without another apartment, and didn't ask us (two other roomates) or anything. Then he *freaked* when we said something about it. Go figure.
posted by letahl at 10:31 AM on September 28, 2007
When my roommate's girlfriend started spending too much time at our place my other roommates started walking to the bathroom in short towels and dropping stuff on the way. She stopped coming by as much. I don't think this is the most mature way of dealing with the situation, but it did work in that instance.
posted by probablysteve at 10:38 AM on September 28, 2007 [3 favorites]
posted by probablysteve at 10:38 AM on September 28, 2007 [3 favorites]
You might find this previous thread helpful.
Generally, though, just tell him you only signed up to live with two other people and you thought it wouldn't be a big deal to have a fourth person around all the time, but now that you've tried it out you feel it's just too cramped having four people in a three-person place.
Needing some personal space is a totally reasonable request, and if he or she chooses to take it personally, that's their problem.
posted by AV at 10:40 AM on September 28, 2007
Generally, though, just tell him you only signed up to live with two other people and you thought it wouldn't be a big deal to have a fourth person around all the time, but now that you've tried it out you feel it's just too cramped having four people in a three-person place.
Needing some personal space is a totally reasonable request, and if he or she chooses to take it personally, that's their problem.
posted by AV at 10:40 AM on September 28, 2007
Read out to him what you just wrote above.
posted by fire&wings at 10:45 AM on September 28, 2007
posted by fire&wings at 10:45 AM on September 28, 2007
I'm with fire&wings - your phrasing in the post is just fine! Diplomatic and sincere. Combine it with probablysteve's suggestion for a double whammy!
posted by waxbanks at 10:54 AM on September 28, 2007
posted by waxbanks at 10:54 AM on September 28, 2007
The difficulty with this age-old problem is that it's more of a "principle of the thing" problem than a practical matter. You can provide a list of examples of how girlfriend is making you feel cramped, but taken individually, they'll always sound kind of petty.
These discussions tend to devolve into, "fine, I'll clean those three hairs out of the shower and tell her she's no longer allowed to use the DVR, which is mine anyway. Meanwhile, try cleaning up your own hair and doing those foul-ass dishes sometime, eh, ROOMIE?"
If she's being respectful of your space and it really just is a matter of there being more bodies in the same apartment, it's going to be tough to have a discussion that doesn't get everyone defensive.
If there are actual issues where girlfriend's behavior could stand to be more respectful of your roommate status (i.e. she shouldn't use up all the hot water or leave a sink full of dishes or eat the last of the ice cream) then try to keep it to that issue and don't bother muddying the waters with generalized "she's always heeere" complaints.
TV watching could fall into the category of something worth negotiating -- point out that it seems like it's become a habit to default to her shows, and you feel like it's two against one -- could you get first dibs sometimes?
posted by desuetude at 10:56 AM on September 28, 2007 [2 favorites]
These discussions tend to devolve into, "fine, I'll clean those three hairs out of the shower and tell her she's no longer allowed to use the DVR, which is mine anyway. Meanwhile, try cleaning up your own hair and doing those foul-ass dishes sometime, eh, ROOMIE?"
If she's being respectful of your space and it really just is a matter of there being more bodies in the same apartment, it's going to be tough to have a discussion that doesn't get everyone defensive.
If there are actual issues where girlfriend's behavior could stand to be more respectful of your roommate status (i.e. she shouldn't use up all the hot water or leave a sink full of dishes or eat the last of the ice cream) then try to keep it to that issue and don't bother muddying the waters with generalized "she's always heeere" complaints.
TV watching could fall into the category of something worth negotiating -- point out that it seems like it's become a habit to default to her shows, and you feel like it's two against one -- could you get first dibs sometimes?
posted by desuetude at 10:56 AM on September 28, 2007 [2 favorites]
Start smoking cigars. Start farting out loud as if its no big deal. Squish some chocolate jimmies to make them look like mouse droppings and place a few in her path (kitchen counters, roomy's bed, etc). Sprinkle a few drops of water on the toilet seat every time you use the bathroom. Stop cleaning the bathroom and kitchen at once. Leave hard-core pornography lying around. Leave copious dirty laundry around the house. She'll either stop feeling so comfy and stop coming around as often, or she'll start doing some cleaning and then maybe you won't mind her presence so much.
posted by mds35 at 11:08 AM on September 28, 2007 [3 favorites]
posted by mds35 at 11:08 AM on September 28, 2007 [3 favorites]
I've been in your shoes before, and I'm not sure what the big deal is.
With regard to the petty things: either get over them or see if he/she would be willing to modify their behavior to suit your pettiness.
With regard to the other stuff (always watching her shows, etc) it sounds like the could DVR solve a lot of problems here, but regardless it's something that can be reasonably negotiated.
Although I will say that, in my experience, the people who have had complaints like this are actually just more irritated by her presence (often a jealousy thing) and there's no amount of accommodating that would make them feel better short of the girl just not coming over. This might not be you... but it wouldn't hurt for you to ask yourself if these things are really the issue.
posted by toomuchpete at 11:14 AM on September 28, 2007
With regard to the petty things: either get over them or see if he/she would be willing to modify their behavior to suit your pettiness.
With regard to the other stuff (always watching her shows, etc) it sounds like the could DVR solve a lot of problems here, but regardless it's something that can be reasonably negotiated.
Although I will say that, in my experience, the people who have had complaints like this are actually just more irritated by her presence (often a jealousy thing) and there's no amount of accommodating that would make them feel better short of the girl just not coming over. This might not be you... but it wouldn't hurt for you to ask yourself if these things are really the issue.
posted by toomuchpete at 11:14 AM on September 28, 2007
Decide before you approach him what sort of things might molliate you. If she came over only 3 nights a week? 2? If she paid part of the rent? Or at least part of the utilities? If she didn't get a vote in what TV shows were watched? If she got put on the chore schedule? Or if he got put on the chore schedule twice?
Then approach him as civilly as you've done here -- explain that if she's going to be a fourth roommate, she needs to start contributing to the general upkeep of the place. Go slightly overboard in declaring that you like her and it's not an issue with her, just with her being there all the time.
It'll probably still get taken personally, but perhaps not so much as to ruin your whole roommate situation.
posted by jacquilynne at 11:20 AM on September 28, 2007
Then approach him as civilly as you've done here -- explain that if she's going to be a fourth roommate, she needs to start contributing to the general upkeep of the place. Go slightly overboard in declaring that you like her and it's not an issue with her, just with her being there all the time.
It'll probably still get taken personally, but perhaps not so much as to ruin your whole roommate situation.
posted by jacquilynne at 11:20 AM on September 28, 2007
Note that if she has roomates 1 or 2 nights a week may be unrealistic. If they are at the always together point of their relationship 3.5 days a week is going to be the best you can hope for. Hopefully the other 3.5 days a week he'll be away compensating for the extra the other half of the time.
posted by Mitheral at 11:27 AM on September 28, 2007
posted by Mitheral at 11:27 AM on September 28, 2007
mds35 beat me to it, except that I was only going to suggest starting smoking cigarettes.
posted by rhizome at 11:34 AM on September 28, 2007
posted by rhizome at 11:34 AM on September 28, 2007
Jeez. Is she hogging the bathroom in the morning making you late for work? Is she stealing your food? Is there anything impeding on your ability to enjoy the apartment? Focus on those. The TV is the big one and if she's forcing you to not watch shows you want, that's more a sign that your roommate/her boyfriend is disrespecting you and doesn't really know how to handle roommates/relationships either.
Look at the things that are interfering with your quality of life (the tv one is actually big and isn't petty). Complaining about her stray brown hairs in the shower is a petty one and doesn't count.
And put it in perspective. Once you're in a relationship that functioins like this (and even if she's not coming to your place but you're going to hers and she has roommates), you'll understand how all her roommates are viewing you unless you're respectful, understanding, polite and accepting. All roommate situations covering all genders has to deal with this but, lets face it, would you want your roommates to cramp on your style and impede your relationship or would you want your roommate to realize that people have relationships and that's part of what "living with roommates" means.
posted by Stynxno at 11:34 AM on September 28, 2007
Look at the things that are interfering with your quality of life (the tv one is actually big and isn't petty). Complaining about her stray brown hairs in the shower is a petty one and doesn't count.
And put it in perspective. Once you're in a relationship that functioins like this (and even if she's not coming to your place but you're going to hers and she has roommates), you'll understand how all her roommates are viewing you unless you're respectful, understanding, polite and accepting. All roommate situations covering all genders has to deal with this but, lets face it, would you want your roommates to cramp on your style and impede your relationship or would you want your roommate to realize that people have relationships and that's part of what "living with roommates" means.
posted by Stynxno at 11:34 AM on September 28, 2007
Doorsfan, same thing happened to me. I had a passive aggressive roommate. Please, everybody, don't be that roommate. Either confront or suck it up. Thanks, PostIrony, for trying to find a good way to handle this.
As others have said, though, a reminder that rent and cost of utils are split evenly among the roommates, but their use isn't being split evenly. I'm sure he doesn't even consider himself being unfair, so make sure not to get him on the defensive.
posted by monkeymadness at 11:56 AM on September 28, 2007
As others have said, though, a reminder that rent and cost of utils are split evenly among the roommates, but their use isn't being split evenly. I'm sure he doesn't even consider himself being unfair, so make sure not to get him on the defensive.
posted by monkeymadness at 11:56 AM on September 28, 2007
the people who have had complaints like this are actually just more irritated by her presence (often a jealousy thing) and there's no amount of accommodating that would make them feel better short of the girl just not coming over.
missing the OP's point completely. the petty stuff is not his complaint; it is his support for the complaint, which is "i don't like having company over 24/7". this is not unreasonable, and i really doubt it stems from jealousy. living with roommates requires compromises, sure. but if roommate's girlfriend has a place, i don't see why asking them to go there a few nights a week is unreasonable. if she doesn't have a place, she needs to be coughing up rent.
posted by almostmanda at 12:05 PM on September 28, 2007 [2 favorites]
missing the OP's point completely. the petty stuff is not his complaint; it is his support for the complaint, which is "i don't like having company over 24/7". this is not unreasonable, and i really doubt it stems from jealousy. living with roommates requires compromises, sure. but if roommate's girlfriend has a place, i don't see why asking them to go there a few nights a week is unreasonable. if she doesn't have a place, she needs to be coughing up rent.
posted by almostmanda at 12:05 PM on September 28, 2007 [2 favorites]
The problems are standard fare for any roommates, and have to be dealt with as such. Why not stand up for yourself in those situations? Get the remote and turn on the show you want to watch. I can see a problem if she's canceling the shows you have set to record, or deleting them, but if she's just DVRing shows at other times, so be it. I don't mean to belittle your complaints, but its the curse of having roommates.
I would absolutely not tell the offending roommate "Let's try to only have her over here X nights per week." Deal with specific issues, otherwise it sounds like you're telling them what they can and cannot do with their relationship.
posted by shinynewnick at 12:14 PM on September 28, 2007
I would absolutely not tell the offending roommate "Let's try to only have her over here X nights per week." Deal with specific issues, otherwise it sounds like you're telling them what they can and cannot do with their relationship.
posted by shinynewnick at 12:14 PM on September 28, 2007
I can totally relate to this. I'm the type of person that just doesn't like other people constantly being at my house (other people that don't live there, not roommates). I think anymore than 3 nights a week is pushing it for a bf/gf.
I think you have to confront him, I'm guessing you won't have to say much, assuming he isn't an asshole. Most people will push this sort of thing as far as possible and just *hope* you don't mind (and some people don't) especially if the bf/gf is friends with everyone. But in my experience once I actually finally said something, things improved a lot and no one was really mad because really they knew they had crossed the line and were just waiting to be called on it.
posted by whoaali at 1:01 PM on September 28, 2007
I think you have to confront him, I'm guessing you won't have to say much, assuming he isn't an asshole. Most people will push this sort of thing as far as possible and just *hope* you don't mind (and some people don't) especially if the bf/gf is friends with everyone. But in my experience once I actually finally said something, things improved a lot and no one was really mad because really they knew they had crossed the line and were just waiting to be called on it.
posted by whoaali at 1:01 PM on September 28, 2007
You say "fourth roommate". What about the third roommmate, have you asked how they feel? It's bad enough how you feel, but if the other one is also bothered, maybe the two of you can talk to the third together?
Other than that, I agree with all the above.
posted by 6:1 at 1:03 PM on September 28, 2007
Other than that, I agree with all the above.
posted by 6:1 at 1:03 PM on September 28, 2007
In group living situations, allies are worth more than they are in Risk. Get third roomate on your side first, then find a way where both of you can bring it up at once diplomatically.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:16 PM on September 28, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by Ironmouth at 1:16 PM on September 28, 2007 [1 favorite]
I don't think there's a really good answer short of moving when the lease is up. You can't make him be considerate, and if your inconvenience or discomfort has crossed his mind he's decided that it's your problem to say something, making you the bad guy, rather than his to handle his business in a way that's fair to you. Or it just hasn't crossed his mind that you don't dig the constant companionship of someone else's girlfriend, which is pretty lame.
Generally, you can be friends or you can be roommates, but not both.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:22 PM on September 28, 2007
Generally, you can be friends or you can be roommates, but not both.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:22 PM on September 28, 2007
You know, it sounds like the problem is she's making herself a BIG presence. If she were to come over and they were to retire to his room and you didn't see them again until they poked their heads out for dinner, I bet you wouldn't care. It sounds like they're totally oblivious.
I'm imagining this awkward conversation between you and your roommate, and some kind of rift forming. Made worse by his transmittance of this information to his girlfriend. They will bitch about it together and hold a silent, nasty grudge against you that will poison the rest of your relationship and result in a bitter move-out. Either that, or they'll break up and all will be well.
This is just a proposition, but what if you took them both out somewhere and bought them each a beer, and then broke it to them extra-gently, just the way you did in your post? That way, they both hear the same thing, and you just bought them beer so they are put in the position of owing you a favor (no matter that it's a small favor).
posted by Lieber Frau at 1:49 PM on September 28, 2007
I'm imagining this awkward conversation between you and your roommate, and some kind of rift forming. Made worse by his transmittance of this information to his girlfriend. They will bitch about it together and hold a silent, nasty grudge against you that will poison the rest of your relationship and result in a bitter move-out. Either that, or they'll break up and all will be well.
This is just a proposition, but what if you took them both out somewhere and bought them each a beer, and then broke it to them extra-gently, just the way you did in your post? That way, they both hear the same thing, and you just bought them beer so they are put in the position of owing you a favor (no matter that it's a small favor).
posted by Lieber Frau at 1:49 PM on September 28, 2007
I had this situation in college. I gave my roommate's girlfriend a bill. Yeah, she had a crying fit, everybody got mad, blah blah blah. But after that, she didn't come around much, which, after all, was the whole idea.
posted by bingo at 2:15 PM on September 28, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by bingo at 2:15 PM on September 28, 2007 [1 favorite]
Yeah, bingo, that's just what I was saying. Not the right way to go about things, IMO.
posted by monkeymadness at 2:22 PM on September 28, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by monkeymadness at 2:22 PM on September 28, 2007 [1 favorite]
I don't think there's a really good answer short of moving when the lease is up.
It's amazing the lengths that people will go to to avoid conflict.
A notable percentage of interpersonal AskMes and advice colunist questions boil down like this: "Somebody in my life is doing something that is really bugging me. Help me figure out how to deal with it. P.S. Talking with them is totally out of the question."
You can avoid a tremendous amount of angst and drama in your life by learning how to have a constructive conversation with someone in your life who is doing something that's bothering you.
The point is not to blame them, or shame them, or make them wrong. It's to figure out a way that you can both get what you need.
Think of this as an opportunity to practice this important life skill.
posted by ottereroticist at 2:23 PM on September 28, 2007 [6 favorites]
It's amazing the lengths that people will go to to avoid conflict.
A notable percentage of interpersonal AskMes and advice colunist questions boil down like this: "Somebody in my life is doing something that is really bugging me. Help me figure out how to deal with it. P.S. Talking with them is totally out of the question."
You can avoid a tremendous amount of angst and drama in your life by learning how to have a constructive conversation with someone in your life who is doing something that's bothering you.
The point is not to blame them, or shame them, or make them wrong. It's to figure out a way that you can both get what you need.
Think of this as an opportunity to practice this important life skill.
posted by ottereroticist at 2:23 PM on September 28, 2007 [6 favorites]
Yeah I have to agree with ottereroticist, I put off having this conversation for so long and was just a nervous wreck. One I did in person pretty angry (I really had a right to be angry) and the second I did over email (very short, no offense but... sort of thing). In the end both were fine (I remember constantly checking my email convinced I would get this scathing email back that never came). I should have said something way earlier. I don't think the second one was thrilled, but he also knew I had a point and we remained good friends. Basically the gf left and we pretended like nothing had happened. The gf loved me less, but we had never exactly been best friends and she never did anything to retaliate.
posted by whoaali at 2:30 PM on September 28, 2007
posted by whoaali at 2:30 PM on September 28, 2007
Response by poster: I misspoke, there's only three people in the apartment including me. And my other roomate isn't home all the time (because he's sleeping over at his gf's place) so basically it kind of only affects me... So allies are kind of out of the question.
But all this stuff is great advice. So thank you all.
posted by PostIronyIsNotaMyth at 2:34 PM on September 28, 2007
But all this stuff is great advice. So thank you all.
posted by PostIronyIsNotaMyth at 2:34 PM on September 28, 2007
In that case, I agree with Lieber Frau. Make it casual, out of the apartment. Bringing out to the open is the best way. This is no way to live, and you'll probably end up getting more angry the longer this keeps up.
posted by 6:1 at 2:42 PM on September 28, 2007
posted by 6:1 at 2:42 PM on September 28, 2007
Decide before you approach him what sort of things might molliate you
I think the original poster is a guy.
posted by lastobelus at 3:02 PM on September 28, 2007
I think the original poster is a guy.
posted by lastobelus at 3:02 PM on September 28, 2007
I agree with me, too. My suggestion is direct but not alarming, and it takes place outside the area of conflict. It's not passive aggressive, and you just bought them a drink so you look like the nice guy. You included her in the conversation so it doesn't look like you have a problem with her, personally. Everybody's friends! And then you can get shitfaced together and laugh about how gross it is to find her pukey long hairs in the drain.
OH! Tangential, but to deal with that particular symptom, I found that using one of those 50 cent plastic "hair traps" to be a good antidote to roommates with super long hair. I'm a girl with short hair, my former roommate is a guy with a beautiful, long, red pelt, and the hair trap allowed me to suppress my urge to shave him as bald as a cue ball while he slumbered.
posted by Lieber Frau at 3:39 PM on September 28, 2007
OH! Tangential, but to deal with that particular symptom, I found that using one of those 50 cent plastic "hair traps" to be a good antidote to roommates with super long hair. I'm a girl with short hair, my former roommate is a guy with a beautiful, long, red pelt, and the hair trap allowed me to suppress my urge to shave him as bald as a cue ball while he slumbered.
posted by Lieber Frau at 3:39 PM on September 28, 2007
And my other roomate isn't home all the time (because he's sleeping over at his gf's place)
You should probably be aware that this will undercut your argument a little bit.
posted by occhiblu at 5:24 PM on September 28, 2007
You should probably be aware that this will undercut your argument a little bit.
posted by occhiblu at 5:24 PM on September 28, 2007
This is an age-old roommate problem and there are standard solutions to it. You're right; your roommate is being a jerk, and she's a selfish ass. Bottom line: she needs to start making payments on water and electricity, at the *very* least, if she continues to stay over more than three nights a week.
That's the universal roommate rule. I'll point you to my longer response in the previous thread for details.
posted by mediareport at 6:34 PM on September 28, 2007
That's the universal roommate rule. I'll point you to my longer response in the previous thread for details.
posted by mediareport at 6:34 PM on September 28, 2007
I think the original poster is a guy.
Err, so do I. What's your point?
posted by jacquilynne at 6:53 PM on September 28, 2007
Err, so do I. What's your point?
posted by jacquilynne at 6:53 PM on September 28, 2007
Another thing to consider in approaching your roommate with the girlfriend (RWG) - how much are you going to have people over? Personally, I would see the situation as a free pass for me to have siblings, friends, and others over to stay as much as I wanted. I would think my RWG wouldn't have much right to object. And I'd probably be too busy enjoying the company of my own guest to be bothered anymore by his girlfriend.
Yeah, I know this could be irrelevant if you are the solitary type, but it's something to consider.
posted by PY at 9:48 PM on September 28, 2007
Yeah, I know this could be irrelevant if you are the solitary type, but it's something to consider.
posted by PY at 9:48 PM on September 28, 2007
monkeymadness: Yeah, bingo, that's just what I was saying [about a passive aggressive-roommate who can't deal with this problem directly].
Actually, no..What I did was about as far away from passive-aggressive as you could get. I didn't slip the bill into her purse when she wasn't looking. I handed it to her in front of her boyfriend and everyone else who lived there, and told her to her face that I expected her to pay.
Sure, I could have come up with a nicer way to make my point. But I didn't want to. Life isn't a big contest to see who does the most nice things for other people.
posted by bingo at 2:12 PM on September 29, 2007
Actually, no..What I did was about as far away from passive-aggressive as you could get. I didn't slip the bill into her purse when she wasn't looking. I handed it to her in front of her boyfriend and everyone else who lived there, and told her to her face that I expected her to pay.
Sure, I could have come up with a nicer way to make my point. But I didn't want to. Life isn't a big contest to see who does the most nice things for other people.
posted by bingo at 2:12 PM on September 29, 2007
Sorry, bingo, for being unclear. I wasn't referring to my passive aggressive comment. I just meant that giving a bill is the wrong way to go about it, directly or indirectly. I honestly had no clue that my roommate was bugged by my girlfriend (now wife) hanging out so much, and if I had known I would have put a stop to it immediately and apologized. Some people are bothered by different things, and I think that's the main point of most people commenting here. Being deliberately inconsiderate is different from being oblivious. Needless to say my relationship with my roommate went from what I thought was good (we were close friends) to nothing, and it could have been much different.
Life isn't a big contest to see who does the most nice things for other people.
Try it anyway. It's fun. I promise. I figured that was the main reason most people answer each others' questions around here, anyway.
posted by monkeymadness at 7:54 PM on September 29, 2007
Life isn't a big contest to see who does the most nice things for other people.
Try it anyway. It's fun. I promise. I figured that was the main reason most people answer each others' questions around here, anyway.
posted by monkeymadness at 7:54 PM on September 29, 2007
Since I achieved my objective, and have no regrets about anything related to this incident (about 15 years ago now), it was by definition not the wrong way to go about solving the problem. It may not be the best option for the OP, but it has been validated as the correct option for me, so it's a valid answer.
posted by bingo at 9:25 PM on September 29, 2007
posted by bingo at 9:25 PM on September 29, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
You're paying for the space and you have as much right as he does to determine what goes on there. Tough situation, but sometimes you just have to put your foot down. If her getting mad at you is a real problem, maybe you need to discuss that with your friend as well.
Good luck.
posted by DMan at 10:23 AM on September 28, 2007 [1 favorite]