how to pick up guys?
August 29, 2007 12:53 PM Subscribe
help me understand guys - what do i have to do to pick them up? what do guys want from a relationship/ girlfriend? is sex, food and a cleaning service the only thing guys want from their girlfriends? because that's what the "normal" guys i know are excited about. more inside.
i've been looking all over the internet for a female version of The Pick Up Guide. i've found two really good pick up resources for guys - speed seduction and Maniac High's Pick Up Girls Guide. i could not find any resources addressed towards girls trying to pick up guys.
what i really liked about those guides is the insightful look into girl's pick up psychology. i want to understand guys. from those guides, i understood "emotions" and "feelings" are not big things for guys. they want just want sex. is sex really that important for guys? what have i got to provoke to pick them up? have i got to be good looking? is it that easy that there are no in depth guides? do i just have to invite them to a date / get together? how can i make them pick me up?
also, what do guys want from a girlfriend? do they want someone to talk and support them? do they want a girl who makes them laugh and they can spend "quality" time with, doing activities together, or are they looking for a cook, a maid and sex?
i've been looking all over the internet for a female version of The Pick Up Guide. i've found two really good pick up resources for guys - speed seduction and Maniac High's Pick Up Girls Guide. i could not find any resources addressed towards girls trying to pick up guys.
what i really liked about those guides is the insightful look into girl's pick up psychology. i want to understand guys. from those guides, i understood "emotions" and "feelings" are not big things for guys. they want just want sex. is sex really that important for guys? what have i got to provoke to pick them up? have i got to be good looking? is it that easy that there are no in depth guides? do i just have to invite them to a date / get together? how can i make them pick me up?
also, what do guys want from a girlfriend? do they want someone to talk and support them? do they want a girl who makes them laugh and they can spend "quality" time with, doing activities together, or are they looking for a cook, a maid and sex?
First figure out what kind of guy you like.
Then figure out what YOU what from a guy.
Then pratice the timeless art of flirting.
Trying to mold yourself to a general notion of what guys like will drive you crazy. Be you and learn to go after the kind of guy you dig.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:02 PM on August 29, 2007 [3 favorites]
Then figure out what YOU what from a guy.
Then pratice the timeless art of flirting.
Trying to mold yourself to a general notion of what guys like will drive you crazy. Be you and learn to go after the kind of guy you dig.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:02 PM on August 29, 2007 [3 favorites]
Asking “what do guys want from a girlfriend?” is a bit like asking the converse, “what do girls want from a boyfriend?” Every guy is different. The key in establishing a good relationship is for two people to find that they are compatible in their respective answers.
posted by breaks the guidelines? at 1:04 PM on August 29, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by breaks the guidelines? at 1:04 PM on August 29, 2007 [1 favorite]
Those guides are pickup guides for morons and/or dudes only interested in sex. You shouldn't base your understanding of the opposite sex on some things.
If you want to meet a guy that you like, and who likes you, for a healthy, long-term relationship, go out and do things that you enjoy and you'll meet people. Good places NOT to look include bars and the Internet.
posted by kdar at 1:04 PM on August 29, 2007
If you want to meet a guy that you like, and who likes you, for a healthy, long-term relationship, go out and do things that you enjoy and you'll meet people. Good places NOT to look include bars and the Internet.
posted by kdar at 1:04 PM on August 29, 2007
shudder Speed Seduction is not what I'd call a great pick up resource, but obviously YMMV.
Do you mean 'pick up' as in hook up or as in date with potential for meaningful relationship?
What do you want from a boyfriend? Do you think that all girls would want what you want? Conversely, no single guy here -- or in any guide -- can be boiled down to a simple set of guidelines.
posted by canine epigram at 1:05 PM on August 29, 2007
Do you mean 'pick up' as in hook up or as in date with potential for meaningful relationship?
What do you want from a boyfriend? Do you think that all girls would want what you want? Conversely, no single guy here -- or in any guide -- can be boiled down to a simple set of guidelines.
posted by canine epigram at 1:05 PM on August 29, 2007
what do guys want from a relationship/girlfriend?
Confidence, comfort, interests in things besides trying to figure out what guys like, funny, fun, responsible. Attractive and sexy helps. But sexy comes from confidence.
posted by billysumday at 1:07 PM on August 29, 2007 [1 favorite]
Confidence, comfort, interests in things besides trying to figure out what guys like, funny, fun, responsible. Attractive and sexy helps. But sexy comes from confidence.
posted by billysumday at 1:07 PM on August 29, 2007 [1 favorite]
yeah, I think you covered it. If you just want sex with any old male, you can pretty much find it by just going out, unless you're stunningly unattractive, and if you want a boyfriend, you have to be able to get along with someone and fit what they personally are looking for. In most cases, that's gonna be that whole "quality time" thing.
Not that you'll never date someone who would love it if you cooked something or who is messier that you, but it's gonna depend on the guy and on you - if you like to cook or are neat, and he doesn't, you might find yourself fulfilling those roles more naturally. But it can happen the other way around if you're messy & don't like cooking and he's neat and does, which is not the stereotype but does happen with straight couples. What matters is what both of you want.
posted by mdn at 1:09 PM on August 29, 2007
Not that you'll never date someone who would love it if you cooked something or who is messier that you, but it's gonna depend on the guy and on you - if you like to cook or are neat, and he doesn't, you might find yourself fulfilling those roles more naturally. But it can happen the other way around if you're messy & don't like cooking and he's neat and does, which is not the stereotype but does happen with straight couples. What matters is what both of you want.
posted by mdn at 1:09 PM on August 29, 2007
There are no universal answers. No one has had the same life experiences, and not every guy has the same personality.
Be confident, self-aware, and interested. That means that you're allowed to be a little self-centered (or have any other personality quirk) every once in a while if you realize it and can laugh it off. It means that you're not codependent or easily bruised by remarks that weren't meant to be offensive.
Be attractive, know you're attractive, but don't flaunt it. Don't act needy. I've ended up in relationships after the woman practically threw herself at me, but it's the ones that I've had to pursue a little and then been invited the rest of the way that were great. Be the reserved one who's a great conversationalist, not the one who's making small talk with every guy who walks by.
I've had great conversations with women at a bar, gone home alone, woken up the next morning, and felt truly great because I had a good time. That is the best lead-in for dating, in my opinion. In the end, everyone wants someone they respect, and that's a much better beginning than someone coming up and leaning on me. The art of the pick-up is treated as a quick fix, but I really respect anyone who's playing the long game. Not the toying-with-me game, but actually wanting to know me.
Be yourself, be so confidently, and try to find out what other people are like.
posted by mikeh at 1:12 PM on August 29, 2007 [6 favorites]
Be confident, self-aware, and interested. That means that you're allowed to be a little self-centered (or have any other personality quirk) every once in a while if you realize it and can laugh it off. It means that you're not codependent or easily bruised by remarks that weren't meant to be offensive.
Be attractive, know you're attractive, but don't flaunt it. Don't act needy. I've ended up in relationships after the woman practically threw herself at me, but it's the ones that I've had to pursue a little and then been invited the rest of the way that were great. Be the reserved one who's a great conversationalist, not the one who's making small talk with every guy who walks by.
I've had great conversations with women at a bar, gone home alone, woken up the next morning, and felt truly great because I had a good time. That is the best lead-in for dating, in my opinion. In the end, everyone wants someone they respect, and that's a much better beginning than someone coming up and leaning on me. The art of the pick-up is treated as a quick fix, but I really respect anyone who's playing the long game. Not the toying-with-me game, but actually wanting to know me.
Be yourself, be so confidently, and try to find out what other people are like.
posted by mikeh at 1:12 PM on August 29, 2007 [6 favorites]
Speaking as a guy, the number one thing we want is a girl who knows there are no hard and fast rules about guys.
Because, according to the rule book, that’s a sure sign that she’s crazy.
posted by bondcliff at 1:15 PM on August 29, 2007 [4 favorites]
Because, according to the rule book, that’s a sure sign that she’s crazy.
posted by bondcliff at 1:15 PM on August 29, 2007 [4 favorites]
This is an age old question/debate/argument that isn't going to be solved here. Different guys want different things at different times; usually sex is a part of that, but I'd say it's never the whole story - even the most stereotypical spring break frat guys also want you to make them look good to their friends if they're going to be seen in public with you.
Just about everyone wants to feel accepted and interesting. Men also have to do more of the asking (and getting rejected) than women, and that plays out in varied and complicated ways - some will appreciate being asked, some will think that makes you cheap.
In practice lots of women (and men) find it easier to adjust their behavior to get the desired result rather than figure the whole thing out from scratch. Anyway, it's a big mess, like everything else about being human, and there are some of my random thoughts.
You may also find this and this "helpful".
posted by crabintheocean at 1:15 PM on August 29, 2007
Just about everyone wants to feel accepted and interesting. Men also have to do more of the asking (and getting rejected) than women, and that plays out in varied and complicated ways - some will appreciate being asked, some will think that makes you cheap.
In practice lots of women (and men) find it easier to adjust their behavior to get the desired result rather than figure the whole thing out from scratch. Anyway, it's a big mess, like everything else about being human, and there are some of my random thoughts.
You may also find this and this "helpful".
posted by crabintheocean at 1:15 PM on August 29, 2007
The kind of guy who is out to be "picked up" is probably just in for the sex (at least within the context of that particular encounter), and is probably not the kind of guy who will say no to maid service and a hot meal to boot. Books about how to "pick up" girls are actually books about how to get girls to have no-strings sex with you. You can't learn much about men in general from this sort of thing. And there are no comparable books for "picking up" boys because you don't need a book to communicate these instructions: enter a bar and ask the first guy you are interested in "would you like to go back to my place and have sex?" You will need to ask an average of 1.2 guys. See, that's not a book, it's not even a pamphlet.
Because yes, something that often distinguishes men is that a much higher percentage are happy to disassociate sex from relationships and romance and just have it be a recreation. This does not mean it is all they will ever want from a relationship. Certainly it is all some of them want from a relationship. But plenty of guys care about feelings and emotions, want depth and intelligence and sensitivity and finer feelings in a partner, etc. What I wanted from a relationship pretty much throughout my life was a companion for life, so I wasn't really pick up material, for example.
posted by nanojath at 1:15 PM on August 29, 2007 [2 favorites]
Because yes, something that often distinguishes men is that a much higher percentage are happy to disassociate sex from relationships and romance and just have it be a recreation. This does not mean it is all they will ever want from a relationship. Certainly it is all some of them want from a relationship. But plenty of guys care about feelings and emotions, want depth and intelligence and sensitivity and finer feelings in a partner, etc. What I wanted from a relationship pretty much throughout my life was a companion for life, so I wasn't really pick up material, for example.
posted by nanojath at 1:15 PM on August 29, 2007 [2 favorites]
do i just have to invite them to a date / get together?
Pretty much, yeah.
I never met a man who wouldn't be interested in that approach. I'm sure they're out there -- the world is a big place -- but I'm prepared to gamble money it'll be successful.
Also, as said above by others, what men want is variable. There are a lot of guys who are loudmouthed morons, and they tend to dominate the "what men want" discussions. That doesn't mean we all want the same monstrously shallow things they do.
Or, put another way: "men only want sex in the same way that women only want money"
If you think the latter is true, then I expect you'll find the former to be true as well.
posted by aramaic at 1:16 PM on August 29, 2007 [2 favorites]
Pretty much, yeah.
I never met a man who wouldn't be interested in that approach. I'm sure they're out there -- the world is a big place -- but I'm prepared to gamble money it'll be successful.
Also, as said above by others, what men want is variable. There are a lot of guys who are loudmouthed morons, and they tend to dominate the "what men want" discussions. That doesn't mean we all want the same monstrously shallow things they do.
Or, put another way: "men only want sex in the same way that women only want money"
If you think the latter is true, then I expect you'll find the former to be true as well.
posted by aramaic at 1:16 PM on August 29, 2007 [2 favorites]
Non-weird, non-psychotic loyalty. I suggest you do the things you love to do, and when you meet a guy, impress him with your ability to focus on him, remember your interactions with him, and make feel like he's the only man on the planet who even matters.
Of course you should be feeling the same way at around the same time. That's it.
posted by cashman at 1:25 PM on August 29, 2007 [1 favorite]
Of course you should be feeling the same way at around the same time. That's it.
posted by cashman at 1:25 PM on August 29, 2007 [1 favorite]
Stop hanging out with men who only want a cooking, cleaning orifice, because they are not "normal" and they're not doing your attitude or perception of men any favors (and men of substance are going to be put off by those guys, if that's who you're normally associating with).
If you're looking for a relationship, raise your standards and go looking for quality candidates. If you're looking to get laid, just announcing it in a moderately loud voice ought to do the trick.
Any relationship that starts with games (like pick-up tricks and manipulation) has a high likelihood of ending with games, too. It's not how you show and receive respect. Again, if you just want to get some, I guess it doesn't matter (until you run up against a particularly nasty character, and then it could matter a whole lot in a number of negative ways), but it's a terrible way to start a relationship.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:25 PM on August 29, 2007 [6 favorites]
If you're looking for a relationship, raise your standards and go looking for quality candidates. If you're looking to get laid, just announcing it in a moderately loud voice ought to do the trick.
Any relationship that starts with games (like pick-up tricks and manipulation) has a high likelihood of ending with games, too. It's not how you show and receive respect. Again, if you just want to get some, I guess it doesn't matter (until you run up against a particularly nasty character, and then it could matter a whole lot in a number of negative ways), but it's a terrible way to start a relationship.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:25 PM on August 29, 2007 [6 favorites]
As others have said, all guys are different. Traditionally though, the woman is subtle about indicating that she's interested while the guy makes the more overt moves.
So, catch the eye of a boy you like from across the room. Smile, look away coquettishly. If the boy can pick up on social cues and if he's into you, then he might approach you at this point.
Touch his arm, and laugh at his jokes. Smile a lot. He may take it from there.
If the boy doesn't come over, then he's dense or he's not interested in you. Assuming the former, you could try approaching him.
Once again, when you're in proximity, then touch his arm, laugh at his jokes. If he still doesn't make a move, lean in close and whisper in his ear, so do you want to go back to your place.
Many guys will say yes, even if they aren't all that into you. Some guys will be turned off by the aggression or just won't be into you, but that's fine. Just pick out some other boy and start over.
posted by willnot at 1:27 PM on August 29, 2007
So, catch the eye of a boy you like from across the room. Smile, look away coquettishly. If the boy can pick up on social cues and if he's into you, then he might approach you at this point.
Touch his arm, and laugh at his jokes. Smile a lot. He may take it from there.
If the boy doesn't come over, then he's dense or he's not interested in you. Assuming the former, you could try approaching him.
Once again, when you're in proximity, then touch his arm, laugh at his jokes. If he still doesn't make a move, lean in close and whisper in his ear, so do you want to go back to your place.
Many guys will say yes, even if they aren't all that into you. Some guys will be turned off by the aggression or just won't be into you, but that's fine. Just pick out some other boy and start over.
posted by willnot at 1:27 PM on August 29, 2007
I had a girl-friend who used to walk up to and ask guys out that she wanted to date. She scared a lot of guys off just by asking politely. Personally, I'd be overjoyed to be asked out by a girl with the cojones to do that, but there you go. To each their own.
I'd say the only even nearly foolproof approach to dating is to not try too hard. Just do what makes you happy. You will eventually bump into people who are made happy by the same things that you are and, as if by magic, will find suitable dating material all around you.
This is perhaps not as proactive advice as you wanted for this 'problem', but (in my experience) it's the best. Just don't do-what-makes-you-happy because you want to wind up dating someone who does that thing too; that misses the point.
posted by Pecinpah at 1:36 PM on August 29, 2007
I'd say the only even nearly foolproof approach to dating is to not try too hard. Just do what makes you happy. You will eventually bump into people who are made happy by the same things that you are and, as if by magic, will find suitable dating material all around you.
This is perhaps not as proactive advice as you wanted for this 'problem', but (in my experience) it's the best. Just don't do-what-makes-you-happy because you want to wind up dating someone who does that thing too; that misses the point.
posted by Pecinpah at 1:36 PM on August 29, 2007
The guys who read those pickup guides want sex, other guys might want more out of a relationship, though. But most guys would be pretty happy in a 'friends with benefits' situation.
posted by delmoi at 1:45 PM on August 29, 2007
posted by delmoi at 1:45 PM on August 29, 2007
No matter what they CLAIM to want, I think you'd be hard pressed to find a guy who would reject a good cook/sex/maid combination. Take the relationship far enough for long enough, and you might have to add slash-babysitter to that, of course.
I know many guys will claim more enlightened desires, but imagine the man who says this:
"Yeah, I had to leave her. It was just too much great cooking, hot sex and house cleaning for me to handle."
This man does not exist.
posted by rokusan at 1:52 PM on August 29, 2007 [6 favorites]
I know many guys will claim more enlightened desires, but imagine the man who says this:
"Yeah, I had to leave her. It was just too much great cooking, hot sex and house cleaning for me to handle."
This man does not exist.
posted by rokusan at 1:52 PM on August 29, 2007 [6 favorites]
being asked out by a woman is wonderful (and happened all too rarely in my single days). as is being bought flowers, incidentally.
(and for me, at least, it didn't automatically mean you were just interested in sex.)
posted by andrew cooke at 1:59 PM on August 29, 2007
(and for me, at least, it didn't automatically mean you were just interested in sex.)
posted by andrew cooke at 1:59 PM on August 29, 2007
The Rules books are a version (albeit controversial) of "how to pick up guys," for example. Every magazine like Cosmo prints endless series of articles about this topic, as well. There are a huge raft of self-help books like Dr Laura's Care and Feeding of Husbands and the classic Men Are From Mars book that will purport to tell you all about how men work and how to relate to them.
How relevant these books will be to your own situation, I don't know. They are tremendously culturally-bound, not only to the US but to specific groups and places within the US. Men are as varied as are women, and what works for one guy won't work for another. And if a book's guaranteed never-fail method requires you to totally change your personality, then you are going to end up with a guy who likes the fake new you, not the authentic old you, and that might be kind of sad.
But rokusan is right, too, in that most men (and most women as well) would love someone who cleans, provides hot sex, and cooks dinner every night. If they have a trust fund and a great apartment as well, so much the better. Those are pretty basic human desires (shelter, food, sex), and there is nothing wrong with wanting them. What you seem to be describing, though, are men who want only those things, to which I would suggest you need to meet some more nuanced men. (The parallel is when a guy says, "gee, all the women I meet are only interested in my car, my job, and my house" -- those women certainly exist, but one wouldn't want to stereotype that all women are so shallow.)
posted by Forktine at 2:08 PM on August 29, 2007
How relevant these books will be to your own situation, I don't know. They are tremendously culturally-bound, not only to the US but to specific groups and places within the US. Men are as varied as are women, and what works for one guy won't work for another. And if a book's guaranteed never-fail method requires you to totally change your personality, then you are going to end up with a guy who likes the fake new you, not the authentic old you, and that might be kind of sad.
But rokusan is right, too, in that most men (and most women as well) would love someone who cleans, provides hot sex, and cooks dinner every night. If they have a trust fund and a great apartment as well, so much the better. Those are pretty basic human desires (shelter, food, sex), and there is nothing wrong with wanting them. What you seem to be describing, though, are men who want only those things, to which I would suggest you need to meet some more nuanced men. (The parallel is when a guy says, "gee, all the women I meet are only interested in my car, my job, and my house" -- those women certainly exist, but one wouldn't want to stereotype that all women are so shallow.)
posted by Forktine at 2:08 PM on August 29, 2007
If you are just looking for a hookup, go to your local watering hole or some other establishment, find a good looking guy that you want to do it with, and walk up to him and say "hi, I think you're good looking, would you like to go have sex with me?" If, for whatever reason, they say no, go find another dude and ask him until you are successful.
I know. Fuck Greg Behrendt, dude, that is $300 million worth of advice. I am thinking of calling it From One Chick To Another, How To Get Laid.
If you are looking for something more than a one-night stand, then you should also not be looking for "pick up techniques."
posted by mckenney at 2:09 PM on August 29, 2007
I know. Fuck Greg Behrendt, dude, that is $300 million worth of advice. I am thinking of calling it From One Chick To Another, How To Get Laid.
If you are looking for something more than a one-night stand, then you should also not be looking for "pick up techniques."
posted by mckenney at 2:09 PM on August 29, 2007
1) make eye contact
2) smile
3) show interest
4) be otherwise approachable
In most typical settings (out with friends, in a bar, etc.) most guys will be at least partially interested in any new female. The key is increasing this interest and reducing the fear of rejection.
posted by nazca at 2:40 PM on August 29, 2007
2) smile
3) show interest
4) be otherwise approachable
In most typical settings (out with friends, in a bar, etc.) most guys will be at least partially interested in any new female. The key is increasing this interest and reducing the fear of rejection.
posted by nazca at 2:40 PM on August 29, 2007
Here's a link to Rosecrans Baldwin's famous article about picking up. As it says, "our answer applies to men primarily...but we bet a smart woman could adapt it to her purposes."
Perhaps the most pertinent and useful part of the article is this: that when we go up and flirt with a complete stranger, we should "say what comes naturally, so when we begin a conversation our girl or guy is impressed because we’ve not only felt a unique compulsion to talk to them, but we’ve figured it out so we can put it into words."
posted by Iridic at 2:40 PM on August 29, 2007 [1 favorite]
Perhaps the most pertinent and useful part of the article is this: that when we go up and flirt with a complete stranger, we should "say what comes naturally, so when we begin a conversation our girl or guy is impressed because we’ve not only felt a unique compulsion to talk to them, but we’ve figured it out so we can put it into words."
posted by Iridic at 2:40 PM on August 29, 2007 [1 favorite]
In my experience, guys want to be needed, and girls need to be wanted.
posted by blue_beetle at 2:41 PM on August 29, 2007 [11 favorites]
posted by blue_beetle at 2:41 PM on August 29, 2007 [11 favorites]
A woman wants one man to fill her every need.
A man wants every woman to fill his one need.
I don't know who to credit for that. Also, what nazca said.
posted by geekyguy at 3:04 PM on August 29, 2007 [2 favorites]
A man wants every woman to fill his one need.
I don't know who to credit for that. Also, what nazca said.
posted by geekyguy at 3:04 PM on August 29, 2007 [2 favorites]
I think the best way to figure out what men want is to have some good guy friends who you can talk to comfortably. Ask them. Of course the answers will depend on the guys, but if they're in a relationship or your friendship isn't loaded with sexual tension, they're pretty likely to tell you the truth, at least as it applies to them. I've found that having close guy friends who I know to be really good men is one of the best ways to maintain my standards for potential mates. 'Course, that depends whether you're looking for a relationship, or just sex.
posted by you're a kitty! at 3:12 PM on August 29, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by you're a kitty! at 3:12 PM on August 29, 2007 [1 favorite]
"Yeah, I had to leave her. It was just too much great cooking, hot sex and house cleaning for me to handle."
This man does not exist.
posted by rokusan at 4:52 PM on August 29 [2 favorites +] [!]
SO not true! I have it on good authority that men leave sexy, nurturing, boring women all the time.
posted by footnote at 3:16 PM on August 29, 2007 [1 favorite]
This man does not exist.
posted by rokusan at 4:52 PM on August 29 [2 favorites +] [!]
SO not true! I have it on good authority that men leave sexy, nurturing, boring women all the time.
posted by footnote at 3:16 PM on August 29, 2007 [1 favorite]
"Yeah, I had to leave her. It was just too much great cooking, hot sex and house cleaning for me to handle."
This man does not exist.
You don't break up for what you like; you break up for what is missing [though it is possible someone could find the cleaning or cooking overly imposing or weirdly submissive depending on context]. Plenty of people break up because of reasons other than sex or errandy things . Just because someone does chores doesn't mean you want to be in a relationship with them. You might want to hire them as a maid/cook/sex slave, but being in a relationship is usually more complicated, and if the person is not interesting or in any way inspiring to you, the fact that they get the dishes done can be of very little interest.
Besides, who's tailoring your clothes?
posted by mdn at 3:32 PM on August 29, 2007
This man does not exist.
You don't break up for what you like; you break up for what is missing [though it is possible someone could find the cleaning or cooking overly imposing or weirdly submissive depending on context]. Plenty of people break up because of reasons other than sex or errandy things . Just because someone does chores doesn't mean you want to be in a relationship with them. You might want to hire them as a maid/cook/sex slave, but being in a relationship is usually more complicated, and if the person is not interesting or in any way inspiring to you, the fact that they get the dishes done can be of very little interest.
Besides, who's tailoring your clothes?
posted by mdn at 3:32 PM on August 29, 2007
If I were a woman, I'd take a few traditionally outlined male desires and maybe add a few twists:
(1) Look your best. Own your hotness. Be willing to use it to tease a bit up to but not across the point of cheese. Realize that point's gonna vary a bit from person to person, though. Take a chance or two outside your insecurities. Don't ever dwell on them, unless you're in a relationship with genuine intimacy.
(2) Fun companionship. Sex and sexy are fun, but of course there's more. What else is fun for him? Maybe it's pontificating on 19th century literature. Maybe it's debating the virtues of various baseball pitchers. Maybe it's playing a hard game of tennis. If you can really learn to have fun with these other things AND sex, you're probably in. Remember that some people say a lot of guys tend more toward the "buddy" paradigm of fun than the "best girlfriend" kind.
(3) Demonstrate you can be an affectionate caretaker in some way. Maybe that's cleaning and cooking, maybe it's something else.
(4) Express confidence in him, respect for what you respect, especially the things you think he respects himself for.
(5) Be just a bit vulnerable. Ask for help if you'd appreciate it and you think it can be given. Guys like to feel useful.
Damn if I know how many of these are significantly different from how to pick up women, and yes, some of this is sexist and traditional but I suspect there's at least of grain of truth in there somewhere.
I'll also add some other stuff: if you really just want to keep it light, do that, don't ever be drama and for goodness sake don't bring up any deep cravings for picket fences and commitment before he does. And if you want an SO, these pieces of advice still aren't bad, they just have to take their place along with *normal* things that are about emotional intimacy and closeness. The pickup is about being lighting up the limbic system and workin' it. Love, obviously, is a bit more, and you have to be willing to actually tangle.
posted by namespan at 3:33 PM on August 29, 2007 [6 favorites]
(1) Look your best. Own your hotness. Be willing to use it to tease a bit up to but not across the point of cheese. Realize that point's gonna vary a bit from person to person, though. Take a chance or two outside your insecurities. Don't ever dwell on them, unless you're in a relationship with genuine intimacy.
(2) Fun companionship. Sex and sexy are fun, but of course there's more. What else is fun for him? Maybe it's pontificating on 19th century literature. Maybe it's debating the virtues of various baseball pitchers. Maybe it's playing a hard game of tennis. If you can really learn to have fun with these other things AND sex, you're probably in. Remember that some people say a lot of guys tend more toward the "buddy" paradigm of fun than the "best girlfriend" kind.
(3) Demonstrate you can be an affectionate caretaker in some way. Maybe that's cleaning and cooking, maybe it's something else.
(4) Express confidence in him, respect for what you respect, especially the things you think he respects himself for.
(5) Be just a bit vulnerable. Ask for help if you'd appreciate it and you think it can be given. Guys like to feel useful.
Damn if I know how many of these are significantly different from how to pick up women, and yes, some of this is sexist and traditional but I suspect there's at least of grain of truth in there somewhere.
I'll also add some other stuff: if you really just want to keep it light, do that, don't ever be drama and for goodness sake don't bring up any deep cravings for picket fences and commitment before he does. And if you want an SO, these pieces of advice still aren't bad, they just have to take their place along with *normal* things that are about emotional intimacy and closeness. The pickup is about being lighting up the limbic system and workin' it. Love, obviously, is a bit more, and you have to be willing to actually tangle.
posted by namespan at 3:33 PM on August 29, 2007 [6 favorites]
I think there's too much misguided mystique surrounding "picking up" and "dating" and crap. What happened to getting to know people? I may be weird or old-fashioned or from outer space, but I've always just made friends with people first, and then if the mutual attraction develops, there ya go. If you have no interested in hanging out together, then you wouldn't be a good couple anyway. I think trying to shortcut to romance often leads to problems. And I think wondering about what "they" want is a great way to make yourself crazy.
I kick-started the relationship that turned into my marriage by asking him if he wanted to go see "The Matrix" with me, as I don't like watching movies by myself. (Which is true, and at that point he just seemed to me like a nice person to get to know.) We proceeded to hang out together a *lot*, and eventually he officially asked me out, after a lot of hideously inept nerdy "flirting" on both our parts. :)
posted by wintersweet at 3:46 PM on August 29, 2007 [2 favorites]
I kick-started the relationship that turned into my marriage by asking him if he wanted to go see "The Matrix" with me, as I don't like watching movies by myself. (Which is true, and at that point he just seemed to me like a nice person to get to know.) We proceeded to hang out together a *lot*, and eventually he officially asked me out, after a lot of hideously inept nerdy "flirting" on both our parts. :)
posted by wintersweet at 3:46 PM on August 29, 2007 [2 favorites]
If you’re as teenage as your Flickr stream indicates, most of these answers are irrelevant to you, because they describe consciously considerate 25+ men, from my reading of them.
Were I me and teenage, I think being forward and up-front (and actually so, not ambiguously so, so you have an out if your female friends jeer you about it) but I was talking to a friend online recently who turned that down as a teenager—for no good reason that he can give or that I can understand—so I don’t know any more.
posted by Aidan Kehoe at 3:50 PM on August 29, 2007
Were I me and teenage, I think being forward and up-front (and actually so, not ambiguously so, so you have an out if your female friends jeer you about it) but I was talking to a friend online recently who turned that down as a teenager—for no good reason that he can give or that I can understand—so I don’t know any more.
posted by Aidan Kehoe at 3:50 PM on August 29, 2007
“I think being forward and up-front would be sufficient”, pardon.
posted by Aidan Kehoe at 3:57 PM on August 29, 2007
posted by Aidan Kehoe at 3:57 PM on August 29, 2007
In this guy's humble opinion (I'm probably twice your age, so take it for what it's worth):
Sexy
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 4:02 PM on August 29, 2007 [11 favorites]
Sexy
- Confidence in your appearance, your sex appeal, and your intelligence
- Smart, both in the "clever/insightful" and "educated/a trifle bookish"
- Capable, whether that means able to use a screwdriver, inventive in the kitchen or in the bedroom
- Kind, i.e. caring and empathetic
- Strong, in that you're not a doormat, and you'll call me on my bullshit
- Loyal, in that you'll do what it takes to protect what you think is worth protecting
- Affectionate, because you cannot overestimate the significance of a simple touch
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 4:02 PM on August 29, 2007 [11 favorites]
You know, for your sex, smiling, looking and touching pretty much gets the job done every time. Guys are trained to look for "signs" like playing with the hair and the like. Give them what they are looking for.
In terms of what we dudes want, that varies from guy to guy. I'd focus on what you want and go through a lot of guys to find one who wants the same thing.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:45 PM on August 29, 2007
In terms of what we dudes want, that varies from guy to guy. I'd focus on what you want and go through a lot of guys to find one who wants the same thing.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:45 PM on August 29, 2007
Well, to give you a better tailored answer, I'd probably need to know more about you, where you are in Israel, and your long term plans. Feel free to share. Email's in profile.
posted by StrikeTheViol at 5:39 PM on August 29, 2007
posted by StrikeTheViol at 5:39 PM on August 29, 2007
Trained to pick up subtle signs like fiddling with hair and batting eyelashes? Errrr..... sort of, I suppose. If by trained you mean someone pointed it out using small, direct words. But many of the people I hang out with (geeks) wouldn't recognize something that subtle unless you sat in their lap while doing it. Personally, I think the direct approach is better. Find cute, nice looking guy in bookstore/coffee shop/ park, say hi. have something to chat about picked out in advance, and chat. Be aware guys, especially young/shy ones may be a bit freaked out by a girl coming up and talking to them. This is outside most guys experiences. after a nice lil chat, see if they want to go to a movie or some such.
DONT: mention your mom, dating, ex boyfriends, marriage, children, long term relationships, weird medical conditions, your recently deceased aunt, that sort of stuff.
You have abilities, use them! Nothing bothers me more than a girl who has asked out a total of zero guys and wonders why shes single :)
posted by Jacen at 7:39 PM on August 29, 2007
DONT: mention your mom, dating, ex boyfriends, marriage, children, long term relationships, weird medical conditions, your recently deceased aunt, that sort of stuff.
You have abilities, use them! Nothing bothers me more than a girl who has asked out a total of zero guys and wonders why shes single :)
posted by Jacen at 7:39 PM on August 29, 2007
Oh man, after checking your profile, I can't believe how easy you will have this. Go to any sci-fi con, Browncoat (or star trek, B5, Sg-1, cult classic movie, midnight showing of just about anything) meeting, teahouse, arcade, comic book store, anime club, fencing class, LARP, D&D game, SCA, Renaissance festival, pick the guy you might want, and tell them you have a Darth Tater AND Jay and Silent Bob figures, then give them your AIM, Yahoo, IRC, ect. done!
YMMV, of course. And thats a very USA centered answer, but I bet it will work. Geek-dom is universal.
posted by Jacen at 7:56 PM on August 29, 2007
YMMV, of course. And thats a very USA centered answer, but I bet it will work. Geek-dom is universal.
posted by Jacen at 7:56 PM on August 29, 2007
I think many people shoot themselves in the foot by over-analyzing every little thing in the dating world. Stop thinking so much about it and just let it be. Be concerned if he will fit YOUR expectaions, not the other way around.
posted by 20something at 8:42 PM on August 29, 2007 [3 favorites]
posted by 20something at 8:42 PM on August 29, 2007 [3 favorites]
Make me laugh. Or at least smile.
posted by londongeezer at 10:45 PM on August 29, 2007
posted by londongeezer at 10:45 PM on August 29, 2007
So much analyzing. Just ask.
posted by fourcheesemac at 10:55 PM on August 29, 2007
posted by fourcheesemac at 10:55 PM on August 29, 2007
Something that doesn't appear to have been mentioned already - it's all well-and-good going up to a bloke to ask him on a date, but don't do it (a) with a whole load of your friends lurking in the background, giggling, or (b) when he's in with a group of his friends and may be embarrassed by the response of his peers.
posted by Chunder at 2:04 AM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by Chunder at 2:04 AM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]
Touch him.
If you really want to hit on a guy, the fastest way to get there is to break the touch barrier, and its a hell of a lot easier for girls to initiate this with guys.
Laugh at something he says and put your hand on his forearm, or playfully punch him in the shoulder when he jokes with you about something. Get really interested in something he's saying, lean in close like you want to hear more and squeeze his hand. Once you have things moving along, put a hand on his leg, just above his knee. Or try a little footsie.
You might talk to twenty guys at the bar, but save these for the one you really want to hit on - it sends a clear message.
posted by allkindsoftime at 2:24 AM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]
If you really want to hit on a guy, the fastest way to get there is to break the touch barrier, and its a hell of a lot easier for girls to initiate this with guys.
Laugh at something he says and put your hand on his forearm, or playfully punch him in the shoulder when he jokes with you about something. Get really interested in something he's saying, lean in close like you want to hear more and squeeze his hand. Once you have things moving along, put a hand on his leg, just above his knee. Or try a little footsie.
You might talk to twenty guys at the bar, but save these for the one you really want to hit on - it sends a clear message.
posted by allkindsoftime at 2:24 AM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]
Unless you're an absolute harpy, anyone reasonably fit and clean will succeed with little effort. (And harpies just have to wait until closing time.) But listen more to women about what works best for them, because many guys will tell you (and maybe believe) one thing but practice another.
The thing to watch out for is being successful and getting one you shouldn't have -- the horrible one who won't go away. Women will also be able to tell you plenty of warning signs to look for.
posted by pracowity at 7:28 AM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]
The thing to watch out for is being successful and getting one you shouldn't have -- the horrible one who won't go away. Women will also be able to tell you plenty of warning signs to look for.
posted by pracowity at 7:28 AM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]
Big hair and low self esteem.
posted by hatchetjack at 7:49 AM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by hatchetjack at 7:49 AM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]
This "AskMe" is currently being lampooned at Gawker.
posted by digiFramph at 8:03 AM on August 30, 2007
posted by digiFramph at 8:03 AM on August 30, 2007
Sometimes the way to "pick up guys" is to be open to them "picking you up". I used to go out a lot with my 2 best female friends and they always got hit on and I never did. We analyzed this (I swear I'm not hideous!) for some time. We realized that the problem was I tended not to smile a lot and keep to myself. If someone did start small talk with me I'd sort of look down and be uncomfortable. Basically I was sending the signal that I didn't want anyone to approach me. When I reversed this behaviour I was phenomenally luckier in meeting people.
As for what guys want, the only thing I can think of that's a general answer for that very specific question is: To feel loved. Sounds so cheesy, but it's so important and easy to forget.
What makes them feel loved is different for each one.
posted by missmle at 10:02 AM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]
As for what guys want, the only thing I can think of that's a general answer for that very specific question is: To feel loved. Sounds so cheesy, but it's so important and easy to forget.
What makes them feel loved is different for each one.
posted by missmle at 10:02 AM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]
Do they not have Cosmo in Israel? Or Bust and Ms.? Hell, even Marie Clare?
I mean, get ready for a whole slew of fucked body image and socialization messages, but they're full of "Get picked up now!" articles. Just watch out for the "How to keep a man" ones, since those are always operating based on an ultimately deranged view of men (and women).
I'll also add something from my horrendous Interpersonal Communication class— men tend to view mutual activities as "shared communication" and bonding time. Women tend to emphasize more verbal communication (caveats for stereotypes, obviously). So, yeah, saying "Hey, wanna go dirt biking or whatever?" will work better than "Let's just hang out and talk about stuff..." (Of course, there's a large subset of guys who will want to just hang out and talk about feelings, usually as a way to pretend they're sensitive enough to be worthy of having sex with you, then descending into a world of drama as they attempt to both sublimate their real personality and passive-aggressively assert it….)
posted by klangklangston at 2:47 PM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]
I mean, get ready for a whole slew of fucked body image and socialization messages, but they're full of "Get picked up now!" articles. Just watch out for the "How to keep a man" ones, since those are always operating based on an ultimately deranged view of men (and women).
I'll also add something from my horrendous Interpersonal Communication class— men tend to view mutual activities as "shared communication" and bonding time. Women tend to emphasize more verbal communication (caveats for stereotypes, obviously). So, yeah, saying "Hey, wanna go dirt biking or whatever?" will work better than "Let's just hang out and talk about stuff..." (Of course, there's a large subset of guys who will want to just hang out and talk about feelings, usually as a way to pretend they're sensitive enough to be worthy of having sex with you, then descending into a world of drama as they attempt to both sublimate their real personality and passive-aggressively assert it….)
posted by klangklangston at 2:47 PM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]
men tend to view mutual activities as "shared communication" and bonding time. Women tend to emphasize more verbal communication
heh. thanks. that's so obvious, but i never saw it, and it's very relevant to my particular circumstances. very useful. thanks again.
posted by andrew cooke at 3:17 PM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]
heh. thanks. that's so obvious, but i never saw it, and it's very relevant to my particular circumstances. very useful. thanks again.
posted by andrew cooke at 3:17 PM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]
for picking up, what allkindsoftime said, although his reaction to the initial touch will decide whether you proceed with the rest of it. it's a way of testing the water, if you like, with an easy 'out'.
as for what guys want from their girlfriends, what everybody else said: it varies from one guy to another. speaking for myself, i think Emperor SnooKloze pretty much nails it. although i would add that a level of (non-psycho) quirkiness goes a very long way, as does having your own interests & passions in life. these should automatically flow on from confidence, intelligence, capability & strength, but are worth emphasising on their own. i want to be intrigued by your personality, and that doesn't come from you trying to behave like some sort of cookie-cutter barbie fembot.
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:37 PM on August 30, 2007
as for what guys want from their girlfriends, what everybody else said: it varies from one guy to another. speaking for myself, i think Emperor SnooKloze pretty much nails it. although i would add that a level of (non-psycho) quirkiness goes a very long way, as does having your own interests & passions in life. these should automatically flow on from confidence, intelligence, capability & strength, but are worth emphasising on their own. i want to be intrigued by your personality, and that doesn't come from you trying to behave like some sort of cookie-cutter barbie fembot.
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:37 PM on August 30, 2007
Just be blatantly obvious is the key. We are not good at recieving subtle signals generally.
posted by jonmc at 7:31 PM on August 30, 2007
posted by jonmc at 7:31 PM on August 30, 2007
But sexy comes from confidence.
This is untrue in my experience. I'm-hot-and-I-know-it types (whether male or female) come across as arrogant and untrustworthy, at least to me.
posted by jonmc at 7:37 PM on August 30, 2007
This is untrue in my experience. I'm-hot-and-I-know-it types (whether male or female) come across as arrogant and untrustworthy, at least to me.
posted by jonmc at 7:37 PM on August 30, 2007
"I'm-hot-and-I-know-it types (whether male or female) come across as arrogant and untrustworthy, at least to me."
agree, jonmc. that confidence thing is so often quoted as almost the #1 sexy attribute, if not being *the* top of the list, but i think it's way overrated. the people you describe come across to me as being in a similar league with used car salesmen, or real-estate agents - all facade & no depth.
i don't have all that much time for confidence in that sense of brash social extroversion & egocentricity; i rate it more in its relationship to capability & intelligence - a quiet & modest confidence in one's abilities, perhaps, not in one's "value". this would express itself in things like not getting too flustered when presented with a (relatively minor) challenge, like changing a car tyre or being required to speak in public.
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:13 PM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]
agree, jonmc. that confidence thing is so often quoted as almost the #1 sexy attribute, if not being *the* top of the list, but i think it's way overrated. the people you describe come across to me as being in a similar league with used car salesmen, or real-estate agents - all facade & no depth.
i don't have all that much time for confidence in that sense of brash social extroversion & egocentricity; i rate it more in its relationship to capability & intelligence - a quiet & modest confidence in one's abilities, perhaps, not in one's "value". this would express itself in things like not getting too flustered when presented with a (relatively minor) challenge, like changing a car tyre or being required to speak in public.
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:13 PM on August 30, 2007 [1 favorite]
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If you just want to pick guys up, just not so subtley hint that you might have sex with them. That should do it.
posted by electroboy at 1:01 PM on August 29, 2007 [1 favorite]