I'm dating the barking spider.
July 29, 2007 1:01 PM Subscribe
I just started dating a great guy but he farts every time I go out with him and it's freaking me out.
I've been dating this new guy for a month (I'm a girl) and we're totally nuts about each other. My problem - he's farted every time I've been out with him. Restaurants, movie theatres, concerts, soccer games, everywhere. They're not little amusing farts, but loud, long, malodourous farts. He and I both pretend like nothing's happened, which is hard for me because everyone around us is acting otherwise. Now when I go out with him I'm consumed with anxiety, wondering when he's going to let one loose. My attraction to him is waning. The last few times I went out with him I was overcome with revulsion and it made me sad because I like him so much. I've been hoping his positive qualities, of which there are many, might eventually outweigh my revulsion but it isn't happening.
Am I being shallow? Is this not a big deal? Do I say something? I've had flatulent boyfriends in the past and I was fine with it but they weren't obvious about it until after we'd been dating for a while.
This is an absolutely serious question. I'm not a troll, I'm just this girl and I'm bummed out.
I've been dating this new guy for a month (I'm a girl) and we're totally nuts about each other. My problem - he's farted every time I've been out with him. Restaurants, movie theatres, concerts, soccer games, everywhere. They're not little amusing farts, but loud, long, malodourous farts. He and I both pretend like nothing's happened, which is hard for me because everyone around us is acting otherwise. Now when I go out with him I'm consumed with anxiety, wondering when he's going to let one loose. My attraction to him is waning. The last few times I went out with him I was overcome with revulsion and it made me sad because I like him so much. I've been hoping his positive qualities, of which there are many, might eventually outweigh my revulsion but it isn't happening.
Am I being shallow? Is this not a big deal? Do I say something? I've had flatulent boyfriends in the past and I was fine with it but they weren't obvious about it until after we'd been dating for a while.
This is an absolutely serious question. I'm not a troll, I'm just this girl and I'm bummed out.
Perhaps he has a medical condition? You might want to find a way to inquire while causing the least embarrassment for him, in case it's something he can't help.
posted by internet!Hannah at 1:10 PM on July 29, 2007
posted by internet!Hannah at 1:10 PM on July 29, 2007
Yes, confront him about it. When you do so, don't laugh to try to lighten the mood. You don't want him to think that you think it's a funny, quirky thing. Maybe he has a GI problem, so be sensitive.
posted by HotPatatta at 1:10 PM on July 29, 2007
posted by HotPatatta at 1:10 PM on July 29, 2007
Ask him about it. If they're that obvious, he must know you can hear them too. Maybe it's a medical thing. Or maybe he really don't know about Gas-X. Maybe he's just really comfortable with his bodily functions and doesn't think it's a big deal. I don't think you're being shallow, but there might be some really good reason that you don't know about. If you're that crazy about him, you owe it both of you to figure out what it might be before breaking up with him.
posted by ml98tu at 1:11 PM on July 29, 2007
posted by ml98tu at 1:11 PM on July 29, 2007
He may indeed be trying to see whether or not you're ok with it. If he's like that at home then he might feel it's important that he not pretend that he's not. I think it's a good idea to not try to put up a facade while dating, only to surprise your partner later on. I also, however, don't think it's ok to let loose in a public place, at least without blaming someone else.
posted by monkeymadness at 1:14 PM on July 29, 2007
posted by monkeymadness at 1:14 PM on July 29, 2007
In my family, nobody farted. Well, at least everyone tried really f'n hard to not fart in front of everybody. It just wasn't an issue.
Then my mother started dating a man that eventually became my step-father. And this guy and his sons had a completely different take on bodily functions. Not only was farting glorious, he left the bathroom door open while taking a dump. I mean, you could hear the sounds, take in the grunts, and see the toes curling from exertion...
Somehow, my mother ignored all of this (or appeared to ignore it). I look back on it now and realize that my 12-year-old self was taken on an extended ride through the Twilight Zone. I'm happy to be long gone from all that.
My point is ... you can raise the issue (and do so, in plain terms, without beating around the bush), but realize you may be dealing with a deep-seated, well-ingrained cultural barrier.
(not to mention a medical barrier, which this may be, too)
Be prepared to dump him. Over little things do big relationships trip and fall. Just be honest. Don't give him any variation of the "it's not you, it's me" speech.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 1:17 PM on July 29, 2007 [3 favorites]
Then my mother started dating a man that eventually became my step-father. And this guy and his sons had a completely different take on bodily functions. Not only was farting glorious, he left the bathroom door open while taking a dump. I mean, you could hear the sounds, take in the grunts, and see the toes curling from exertion...
Somehow, my mother ignored all of this (or appeared to ignore it). I look back on it now and realize that my 12-year-old self was taken on an extended ride through the Twilight Zone. I'm happy to be long gone from all that.
My point is ... you can raise the issue (and do so, in plain terms, without beating around the bush), but realize you may be dealing with a deep-seated, well-ingrained cultural barrier.
(not to mention a medical barrier, which this may be, too)
Be prepared to dump him. Over little things do big relationships trip and fall. Just be honest. Don't give him any variation of the "it's not you, it's me" speech.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 1:17 PM on July 29, 2007 [3 favorites]
Trying to pretend it didn't happen when you and he and everyone around you noticed is just gonna be awkward. You could go with the classic punch in the arm / "Eww, gross" girl move. At least acknowledge it though, and if it bothers you talk to him about it. If it is a valid medical condition, I believe there are ways to treat it.
posted by sophist at 1:18 PM on July 29, 2007
posted by sophist at 1:18 PM on July 29, 2007
I've been hoping his positive qualities, of which there are many, might eventually outweigh my revulsion but it isn't happening.
I think this is the key statement here. Your attraction to someone you've been dating for a month is waning. This is normal, and might have happened even if he weren't a frequent farter. Give it time and see what happens- you might get over it, or the whole thing might already be sunk (and if it is, you shouldn't feel bad about it- it happens).
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:19 PM on July 29, 2007 [1 favorite]
I think this is the key statement here. Your attraction to someone you've been dating for a month is waning. This is normal, and might have happened even if he weren't a frequent farter. Give it time and see what happens- you might get over it, or the whole thing might already be sunk (and if it is, you shouldn't feel bad about it- it happens).
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:19 PM on July 29, 2007 [1 favorite]
If this is a G.I. problem, your new boyfriend must have huge cojones. If I had had a problem with uncontrollable farting in the early stages of dating, I would have been too humiliated to go out on dates.
I think you should raise it with him. He may be someone who doesn't think farts are a big deal, and that it's more comfortable to expel them rather than hold them in.
posted by jayder at 1:20 PM on July 29, 2007
I think you should raise it with him. He may be someone who doesn't think farts are a big deal, and that it's more comfortable to expel them rather than hold them in.
posted by jayder at 1:20 PM on July 29, 2007
aw. this is kind of a cute question. Yeah, as uncomfortable as it might be, I think you just have to talk to him about it. If he actually farts that often, it sounds like he might need to adjust his diet or reconsider some aspects of his health, but he can also try to control himself until he's in the bathroom.
as to whether this is "shallow", everyone has their own standards of body comfort - stuff like how you respond to farts, whether you talk to each other when you're in the bathroom, whether you do stuff like nail clip / deodorant / floss in front of each other - are all part of a couple's boundaries, and usually people spend a bit of time feeling each other out. If he's also pretending nothing's happened, then perhaps he's really got a bit of a medical issue going on? ie, he's not doing it because he's totally comfortable & doesn't care but because he can't help it. If it's bothering you, you should bring it up with him. You say it happens when you're "out" - is it not something that's interrupted private moments but only out in public? or does it only bother you when it's in public?
posted by mdn at 1:21 PM on July 29, 2007
as to whether this is "shallow", everyone has their own standards of body comfort - stuff like how you respond to farts, whether you talk to each other when you're in the bathroom, whether you do stuff like nail clip / deodorant / floss in front of each other - are all part of a couple's boundaries, and usually people spend a bit of time feeling each other out. If he's also pretending nothing's happened, then perhaps he's really got a bit of a medical issue going on? ie, he's not doing it because he's totally comfortable & doesn't care but because he can't help it. If it's bothering you, you should bring it up with him. You say it happens when you're "out" - is it not something that's interrupted private moments but only out in public? or does it only bother you when it's in public?
posted by mdn at 1:21 PM on July 29, 2007
Ha! The first few times I went out with the girl I'm seeing now, I held it in until I could get to a bathroom or somewhere safe, which resulted in, at one point, a minutes-long fart that resulted in a standing ovation in the mens room of the restaurant... but I digress.
Me, I generally wait to expose someone to the more base of my bodily functions... at least until we've gone out two or three times. Then it's fair game and bring the nose plugs. Our fourth date was one long fart joke... which is awesome, because that's the kind of woman I want/need. I gradually introduced her to the idea that I'm a disgusting, horrible creature, and she was OK with it. I'll tell you about how I broke down the rest of her resistances some other time... ^.^
If he doesn't care about it, it's either good or bad depending on how you look at it. Either he doesn't care because he's a pig or he doesn't care because he isn't embarrased by it. But ask him about it. ;)
posted by SpecialK at 1:24 PM on July 29, 2007 [11 favorites]
Me, I generally wait to expose someone to the more base of my bodily functions... at least until we've gone out two or three times. Then it's fair game and bring the nose plugs. Our fourth date was one long fart joke... which is awesome, because that's the kind of woman I want/need. I gradually introduced her to the idea that I'm a disgusting, horrible creature, and she was OK with it. I'll tell you about how I broke down the rest of her resistances some other time... ^.^
If he doesn't care about it, it's either good or bad depending on how you look at it. Either he doesn't care because he's a pig or he doesn't care because he isn't embarrased by it. But ask him about it. ;)
posted by SpecialK at 1:24 PM on July 29, 2007 [11 favorites]
He and I both pretend like nothing's happened
That's the problem. You are not uptight, no one is ignoring that it's a natural bodily function.
But there is an issue of normal politeness. "Excuse me." "How embarrassing, pardon me." "I'm so sorry!" "Oops, we better move over here..."
I don't think you are shallow, but, medical condition or not, he is being crass. If he does have a condition, he should at least be upfront about it, instead of thinking he is keeping it hidden behind him.
posted by The Deej at 1:27 PM on July 29, 2007 [1 favorite]
That's the problem. You are not uptight, no one is ignoring that it's a natural bodily function.
But there is an issue of normal politeness. "Excuse me." "How embarrassing, pardon me." "I'm so sorry!" "Oops, we better move over here..."
I don't think you are shallow, but, medical condition or not, he is being crass. If he does have a condition, he should at least be upfront about it, instead of thinking he is keeping it hidden behind him.
posted by The Deej at 1:27 PM on July 29, 2007 [1 favorite]
there's a product called "beano" that might cut down the farts, don't know if it will work, ianad, but it doesn't cost very much to try to save a relationship.
posted by bruce at 1:33 PM on July 29, 2007
posted by bruce at 1:33 PM on July 29, 2007
I generally don't ever around dates/friends/anyone. It's weird to me, and I'd just rather not. My friend has no such qualms, though he generally keeps from doing it in public and on the first few dates...
But that doesn't stop him from dutch ovening a girl he's interested in to make sure they're compatible.
True story. Also: Disgusting.
posted by disillusioned at 1:34 PM on July 29, 2007
But that doesn't stop him from dutch ovening a girl he's interested in to make sure they're compatible.
True story. Also: Disgusting.
posted by disillusioned at 1:34 PM on July 29, 2007
It is a huge problem. It will only get worse. Escape to fresh air. Dump him.
posted by JayRwv at 1:36 PM on July 29, 2007
posted by JayRwv at 1:36 PM on July 29, 2007
It could be a medical condition he can't control, although this is rare. It could be a medical condition he can treat but doesn't for whatever reason. Most likely, though, he thinks he's just "keeping it real" and has no idea that farting in public makes other people think less of him or even assume he's an unclean, crass boor.
Sit him down and talk to him. If he can't control it, you may have to make a decision as to whether you can overlook it. If he can and won't/is afraid of doctors you need to find something that will work for him (Beano, for instance). If he thinks he is simply being "real", you have to decide whether you really want to spend time with a guy who doesn't care if he embarrasses you or discomforts everyone around him as long as he's not personally slightly uncomfortable for a few short seconds.
posted by watsondog at 1:40 PM on July 29, 2007
Sit him down and talk to him. If he can't control it, you may have to make a decision as to whether you can overlook it. If he can and won't/is afraid of doctors you need to find something that will work for him (Beano, for instance). If he thinks he is simply being "real", you have to decide whether you really want to spend time with a guy who doesn't care if he embarrasses you or discomforts everyone around him as long as he's not personally slightly uncomfortable for a few short seconds.
posted by watsondog at 1:40 PM on July 29, 2007
Think about how much gas you produce, and how much he seems to be producing. If they are extremely discordant the possibility of a GI thing is there It may also be his diet. He might also have unpleasant bacteria in his gut and need some pro-biotic. If he's been like this most of his life (copious gas, painful to hold in) he could just have given up on this and hoped that you would be ok with it. People are wicked embarrassed by this kind of problem; he might not even have ever really bothered his doctor about it.
posted by a robot made out of meat at 1:41 PM on July 29, 2007
posted by a robot made out of meat at 1:41 PM on July 29, 2007
"Toots, your farting completely grosses me out. It is a deal breaker. You either have to promise me that you will try your best to never fart again in my presence or we have to say goodbye."
posted by LarryC at 1:43 PM on July 29, 2007
posted by LarryC at 1:43 PM on July 29, 2007
Bring it up when you guys are joking and have had a few. "What's up with those nasty farts?"
posted by Ironmouth at 1:46 PM on July 29, 2007
posted by Ironmouth at 1:46 PM on July 29, 2007
Just for future consideration: Anything that you ignore that your partner does in a relationship that disgusts or hurts you will fester and cause incredible anxiety and pain. Learn to communicate with him NOW, even if it ends the relationship. You'll avoid a lifetime of heartache, and just maybe make your relationships even better.
posted by blue_beetle at 2:01 PM on July 29, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by blue_beetle at 2:01 PM on July 29, 2007 [1 favorite]
I'd prefer a quiet moment not too long after an incident, when you're alone..." Honey, is your tummy OK? I'm worried you don't feel well," while stroking his hand or something.
posted by tristeza at 2:33 PM on July 29, 2007
posted by tristeza at 2:33 PM on July 29, 2007
Ask. In a relationship, when it comes to bodily functions, you are allowed to ask what's up. You can't degrade, you can't make fun of the other person, and you can't be a pain in the ass about it, but if someone is letting off a fart that is affecting your quality of life (and if everyone else is reacting to it around you, then I'm guessing he's releasing 'something crawled up his ass and died!' style of farts), you should ask.
I've had friends who fart - they had to. They had stomach issues and they were upfront about it. They were also considerate and would roll down the window in the car when they let one fly.
posted by Stynxno at 2:34 PM on July 29, 2007
I've had friends who fart - they had to. They had stomach issues and they were upfront about it. They were also considerate and would roll down the window in the car when they let one fly.
posted by Stynxno at 2:34 PM on July 29, 2007
Maybe shallow, but it would be a deal breaker for me, too. Please do say something to him about it (possibly on the way out the door) because you at least have a legitimate relationship. (Otherwise it gets left to random friends who wonder if they're really close enough, friend wise, to tell a guy that what his ex really meant was that his bodily habits are gross.)
posted by anaelith at 2:42 PM on July 29, 2007
posted by anaelith at 2:42 PM on July 29, 2007
You need to say something. Maybe he's just eating too fast? If you're going to have a relationship you need to be able to talk about stuff like this.
If you want to be vaguely subtle you could tell him the following old joke and see how he reacts:
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It's silent and never smells. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because it's silent and doesn't smell." The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week". The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts smell terrible, although they're still silent". "Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
Text nicked from here.
posted by teleskiving at 2:45 PM on July 29, 2007 [3 favorites]
If you want to be vaguely subtle you could tell him the following old joke and see how he reacts:
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It's silent and never smells. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because it's silent and doesn't smell." The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week". The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts smell terrible, although they're still silent". "Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
Text nicked from here.
posted by teleskiving at 2:45 PM on July 29, 2007 [3 favorites]
You should absolutely find a way to raise it with him, but if you really value the relationship, you need to figure out a way to do that without totally messing up the chemistry.
I really don't want to seem cliched, but when it comes down to it, there's no way to be involved in a long-term relationship without learning to accept your partner's shortcomings. It seems there are really two options:
1) He's afflicted with some kind of GI disorder that makes it impossible for him to control his flatulence. In this case, it's really just the vaudeville version of dating someone who's got gluten intolerance, or a peanut allergy, or snores.
If he really doesn't have much control over this, and he's legitimately doing everything he can to control it--which, by the way, you don't know, because you haven't asked--then it's really a test of how much you're willing to invest in this relationship.
2) He's just someone who farts a lot, and has never felt a reason to control it. In this case, it's more like finding a great guy who's got _really_ bad breath, or BO, or does a crappy job of managing his finances.
In option 1, you've still got to raise it with him, but you've got to be prepared for the possibility that he'll say "This has plagued me my entire life, and I was _desperately_ hoping you'd be the woman who could finally love me enough to see past it." Sort of the whole 'Beauty and the Beast' thing.
Option 2 is more the 'Marge and Homer' model. He's either going to change, or you've got to accept that he _could_, but he _won't_. Not nearly as saintly, but maybe more realistic, in the end. Put it this way--once you bring it up, it gives you a _lot_ of leverage down the road. Just sayin'.
posted by LairBob at 3:56 PM on July 29, 2007 [1 favorite]
I really don't want to seem cliched, but when it comes down to it, there's no way to be involved in a long-term relationship without learning to accept your partner's shortcomings. It seems there are really two options:
1) He's afflicted with some kind of GI disorder that makes it impossible for him to control his flatulence. In this case, it's really just the vaudeville version of dating someone who's got gluten intolerance, or a peanut allergy, or snores.
If he really doesn't have much control over this, and he's legitimately doing everything he can to control it--which, by the way, you don't know, because you haven't asked--then it's really a test of how much you're willing to invest in this relationship.
2) He's just someone who farts a lot, and has never felt a reason to control it. In this case, it's more like finding a great guy who's got _really_ bad breath, or BO, or does a crappy job of managing his finances.
In option 1, you've still got to raise it with him, but you've got to be prepared for the possibility that he'll say "This has plagued me my entire life, and I was _desperately_ hoping you'd be the woman who could finally love me enough to see past it." Sort of the whole 'Beauty and the Beast' thing.
Option 2 is more the 'Marge and Homer' model. He's either going to change, or you've got to accept that he _could_, but he _won't_. Not nearly as saintly, but maybe more realistic, in the end. Put it this way--once you bring it up, it gives you a _lot_ of leverage down the road. Just sayin'.
posted by LairBob at 3:56 PM on July 29, 2007 [1 favorite]
PLEASE please keep us informed and let us know what happens!
posted by A189Nut at 4:07 PM on July 29, 2007
posted by A189Nut at 4:07 PM on July 29, 2007
I was the guy who farted back in the days when my partner and I started dating. It wasn't something intentional, it wasn't something I could help, it just happened. Not just when we were together -- embarrassing enough -- but constantly when I was at the gym. Working out. With a personal trainer. Exercising, you're concentrating on muscle control and movement, not on clenching your butt. Anyhow...
In my case, I think it was medical and diet and approaching middle age. As the years accumulate, both of us have found that those bodily functions don't work as smoothly as we would wish. Beano doesn't help. Gas-X doesn't really make a difference. Eliminating dairy didn't change it. These days it's not as bad as that first several months -- maybe it was stress? -- but sometimes it simply just happens.
Back to you, if the guy is important to you, ask him about it. He knows he's doing it, trust me. He probably is not doing it on purpose, but if you ask him you'll find out for sure. There may be a treatable medical condition, or it may be something else. But if you want to have a future together, you have to know. And after that, you can decide how you feel about it.
posted by Robert Angelo at 4:12 PM on July 29, 2007
In my case, I think it was medical and diet and approaching middle age. As the years accumulate, both of us have found that those bodily functions don't work as smoothly as we would wish. Beano doesn't help. Gas-X doesn't really make a difference. Eliminating dairy didn't change it. These days it's not as bad as that first several months -- maybe it was stress? -- but sometimes it simply just happens.
Back to you, if the guy is important to you, ask him about it. He knows he's doing it, trust me. He probably is not doing it on purpose, but if you ask him you'll find out for sure. There may be a treatable medical condition, or it may be something else. But if you want to have a future together, you have to know. And after that, you can decide how you feel about it.
posted by Robert Angelo at 4:12 PM on July 29, 2007
Farts happen. You might as well tell a man not to blink.
posted by tehloki at 4:15 PM on July 29, 2007
posted by tehloki at 4:15 PM on July 29, 2007
I used to date a a farter, and what bugged me wasn't the act itself so much as the fact that he never once said "Excuse me" or "Pardon my bad air" or anything at all. This was the deal-breaker--it was one example of his general lack of consideration for me and others.
He eventually got surgery to, ahem, make a bigger asshole, but we were kaput by then, so I can't comment on the farting outcome there.
posted by Riverine at 4:30 PM on July 29, 2007
He eventually got surgery to, ahem, make a bigger asshole, but we were kaput by then, so I can't comment on the farting outcome there.
posted by Riverine at 4:30 PM on July 29, 2007
medical problem or not, if the relationship is going so great how can he not at least offer an explanation for it?
i have major gas problems, and fart constantly in front of friends and family but not in situations that would make them overly uncomfortable, like in front of strangers...IE I am considerate about it (in general!). Again, if it's people i know really well and have known me for ages, they know i'm going to fart, but if there are new people around or their families or something, i refrain.
And I have never ever farted (intentionally) in front of a gf, not even very long term ones. sometimes in the middle of the night or something i do it by accident in my sleep, and not faring is very difficult, i get sick and have terrible stomach aches and have to excuse myself for whatever reason and fart a whole bunch in private to feel better...
maybe some day i'll get to that point where i can in front of a gf!!!
But really, he should just have the balls to come forward and tell you what is going on - how can he not!!!!
confront him but don't expect great results - he doesn't sound very considerate
posted by Salvatorparadise at 4:43 PM on July 29, 2007 [1 favorite]
i have major gas problems, and fart constantly in front of friends and family but not in situations that would make them overly uncomfortable, like in front of strangers...IE I am considerate about it (in general!). Again, if it's people i know really well and have known me for ages, they know i'm going to fart, but if there are new people around or their families or something, i refrain.
And I have never ever farted (intentionally) in front of a gf, not even very long term ones. sometimes in the middle of the night or something i do it by accident in my sleep, and not faring is very difficult, i get sick and have terrible stomach aches and have to excuse myself for whatever reason and fart a whole bunch in private to feel better...
maybe some day i'll get to that point where i can in front of a gf!!!
But really, he should just have the balls to come forward and tell you what is going on - how can he not!!!!
confront him but don't expect great results - he doesn't sound very considerate
posted by Salvatorparadise at 4:43 PM on July 29, 2007 [1 favorite]
You've only been dating a month? Per this thread, he's supposed to wait three to six weeks.
Seriously, say something. You're not shallow. You'll find out either 1) there's a medical reason or 2) he was raised by bears. And knowing one way or another is better than not knowing, isn't it?
posted by ambrosia at 4:49 PM on July 29, 2007
Seriously, say something. You're not shallow. You'll find out either 1) there's a medical reason or 2) he was raised by bears. And knowing one way or another is better than not knowing, isn't it?
posted by ambrosia at 4:49 PM on July 29, 2007
He and I both pretend like nothing's happened, which is hard for me because everyone around us is acting otherwise.
Something about the complete avoidance of the topic just smells.
Am I being shallow?
Nope.
Is this not a big deal?
It's lessening your attractaction to him.
Do I say something?
You could, but he really should have brought it up by this point. The fact that he hasn't doesn't speak well of him. Run.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:53 PM on July 29, 2007 [1 favorite]
Something about the complete avoidance of the topic just smells.
Am I being shallow?
Nope.
Is this not a big deal?
It's lessening your attractaction to him.
Do I say something?
You could, but he really should have brought it up by this point. The fact that he hasn't doesn't speak well of him. Run.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:53 PM on July 29, 2007 [1 favorite]
Work up some courage, eat some beans, and let one rip. See if he says anything to you about it. If he does a "oh that's so disgusting" speech, kick his smelly ass to the curb. If he doesn't say anything, he may not think it's a big deal and you can proceed from there as to whether or not you want to continue this flatulent relationship.
Either way, I think you turning the tables on him is really really funny.
posted by sephira at 5:14 PM on July 29, 2007 [2 favorites]
Either way, I think you turning the tables on him is really really funny.
posted by sephira at 5:14 PM on July 29, 2007 [2 favorites]
It seems obvious to me that he's actually just trying to engage you in a shared activity, some common ground that one can build a relationship on - the common ground of a fart competition. Sure, he's not really able to come out and say it (what man can truly expose that tender recess of the heart?), but I guarantee if you respond in kind, with a louder and/or smellier fart, he'll smile, safe in the knowledge that you understand him, and in the end, your couplehood will have a stronger bond from these early shared sporting events.
posted by cmonkey at 7:03 PM on July 29, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by cmonkey at 7:03 PM on July 29, 2007 [1 favorite]
I suspect that the poster would tolerate the occasional fart, but objects to the frequency and the smell. Two things that the man could do: eat yogurt frequently and use psyllium powder (Metamucil and its knockoffs). The combination of improving the microbial environment and regularizing transit times would probably do him (and her) a lot of good.
posted by megatherium at 7:24 PM on July 29, 2007
posted by megatherium at 7:24 PM on July 29, 2007
"I've been hoping his positive qualities, of which there are many, might eventually outweigh my revulsion but it isn't happening."
They never will. I don't care if he has a medical condition or not, there are over-the-counter meds for this. He is inconsiderate and has no class. I say move on. Besides, can you imagine what the sex will be like with this guy? Ew.
posted by momzilla at 7:38 PM on July 29, 2007 [2 favorites]
They never will. I don't care if he has a medical condition or not, there are over-the-counter meds for this. He is inconsiderate and has no class. I say move on. Besides, can you imagine what the sex will be like with this guy? Ew.
posted by momzilla at 7:38 PM on July 29, 2007 [2 favorites]
They never will. I don't care if he has a medical condition or not, there are over-the-counter meds for this. He is inconsiderate and has no class.
I just think the chances are pretty slim to none of him actually having such a severe stomach problem that he can't make it to the bathroom to relieve his gas. Barring that exception, I have to agree with momzilla above.
Does he have good manners otherwise? I would go on high alert to see how considerate he is of others when he's in public. Do you really want to date the boorish ass who thinks he's the only person in the restaurant/theater/house/etc?
posted by tastybrains at 8:35 PM on July 29, 2007
I just think the chances are pretty slim to none of him actually having such a severe stomach problem that he can't make it to the bathroom to relieve his gas. Barring that exception, I have to agree with momzilla above.
Does he have good manners otherwise? I would go on high alert to see how considerate he is of others when he's in public. Do you really want to date the boorish ass who thinks he's the only person in the restaurant/theater/house/etc?
posted by tastybrains at 8:35 PM on July 29, 2007
Agree with momzilla.
It is rude and crude and easily avoided for all but the classless or the helplessly lazy.
posted by Ynoxas at 9:15 PM on July 29, 2007
It is rude and crude and easily avoided for all but the classless or the helplessly lazy.
posted by Ynoxas at 9:15 PM on July 29, 2007
I agree with those who say this guy is inconsiderate. I'm a world-class gas-passer but would never do so in company (or in bed unless I'm alone), whether it's my wife or an elevator full of strangers.
Which isn't to say my wife doesn't know of my activity, as they average about 3.5 on the Richter scale, but at least she doesn't have to experience them in full senso-vision.
(She's alluded to sneaking beano into my food, but I beg her to not remove my one remaining pleasure.)
posted by maxwelton at 9:30 PM on July 29, 2007
Which isn't to say my wife doesn't know of my activity, as they average about 3.5 on the Richter scale, but at least she doesn't have to experience them in full senso-vision.
(She's alluded to sneaking beano into my food, but I beg her to not remove my one remaining pleasure.)
posted by maxwelton at 9:30 PM on July 29, 2007
He and I both pretend like nothing's happened, which is hard for me because everyone around us is acting otherwise.
THAT would be the problem. Farting is natural; wanting to prevent excessively odiferous and/or socially inappropriate farting is also natural. What's not natural is the denial.
Farts can be funny, farts can be embarrasing, but if you can't even mention them, how are you going to have a conversation about stuff that really matters?
FWIW, prior to meeting my now-wife, flatulence was not exactly a topic of conversation in my household, or amongst my friends/dates. On our first or second date, my wife let one loose in my truck and burst out laughing, so did I, and it was a nice release (pun intended) of getting-to-know-you tension; it was also one of many traits she had (the not-being-embarrassed, not the farting) that I realized had been missing from past romantic interests.
On the same date, she popped open the door to get out of my brand-new truck and it swung all the way out and *BANG* right against a lightpole. She looked at me with such an amazing expression of mortification that I laughed in her face -- after all, it's just a car, but how horrible on an early date! We got out to look and found the door had hit the swing stops literally as the door hit the pole, so there wasn't even a scratch. She told me later that my initial response being laughter instead of anger (before we knew there was no damage, and in fact before I could really think about it) was among the reasons she decided to hook up with me (much as her reaction to her own social faux pas was among my reasons.)
So yeah, farting fine, wanting to stop it fine, pretending it didn't happen not fine at all.
posted by davejay at 10:49 PM on July 29, 2007
THAT would be the problem. Farting is natural; wanting to prevent excessively odiferous and/or socially inappropriate farting is also natural. What's not natural is the denial.
Farts can be funny, farts can be embarrasing, but if you can't even mention them, how are you going to have a conversation about stuff that really matters?
FWIW, prior to meeting my now-wife, flatulence was not exactly a topic of conversation in my household, or amongst my friends/dates. On our first or second date, my wife let one loose in my truck and burst out laughing, so did I, and it was a nice release (pun intended) of getting-to-know-you tension; it was also one of many traits she had (the not-being-embarrassed, not the farting) that I realized had been missing from past romantic interests.
On the same date, she popped open the door to get out of my brand-new truck and it swung all the way out and *BANG* right against a lightpole. She looked at me with such an amazing expression of mortification that I laughed in her face -- after all, it's just a car, but how horrible on an early date! We got out to look and found the door had hit the swing stops literally as the door hit the pole, so there wasn't even a scratch. She told me later that my initial response being laughter instead of anger (before we knew there was no damage, and in fact before I could really think about it) was among the reasons she decided to hook up with me (much as her reaction to her own social faux pas was among my reasons.)
So yeah, farting fine, wanting to stop it fine, pretending it didn't happen not fine at all.
posted by davejay at 10:49 PM on July 29, 2007
Perhaps he has a medical condition?
The internet makes me laugh and laugh. There are so many people here, someone is always ready to excuse anything.
And the question makes me laugh. How can this be a real question and you not know what to do? This guy (if he's not a fiction) lets "loud, long, malodourous farts" on every date and doesn't even excuse himself, doesn't explain his "medical condition" or his bean addiction or whatever the problem is? If he's real, he thinks he's finally found the fart-tolerant girl of his sheet-billowing dreams, and you are the only woman who's gone on a second date with him.
Lose him. I was going to suggest you shit in his car first, a big steaming log on the driver's seat while he's getting something in the store, but he'd probably think it was a pleasant parting gift.
posted by pracowity at 1:26 AM on July 30, 2007
The internet makes me laugh and laugh. There are so many people here, someone is always ready to excuse anything.
And the question makes me laugh. How can this be a real question and you not know what to do? This guy (if he's not a fiction) lets "loud, long, malodourous farts" on every date and doesn't even excuse himself, doesn't explain his "medical condition" or his bean addiction or whatever the problem is? If he's real, he thinks he's finally found the fart-tolerant girl of his sheet-billowing dreams, and you are the only woman who's gone on a second date with him.
Lose him. I was going to suggest you shit in his car first, a big steaming log on the driver's seat while he's getting something in the store, but he'd probably think it was a pleasant parting gift.
posted by pracowity at 1:26 AM on July 30, 2007
I finally realized that I have mild lactose intolerance. Since giving up most dairy, the air is fresher around here. If I know I'm going to have, say macaroni & cheese, I take lactaid, an enzyme supplement.
Next time, tell " Hey! Cut that out!"
posted by theora55 at 11:08 AM on July 30, 2007
Next time, tell " Hey! Cut that out!"
posted by theora55 at 11:08 AM on July 30, 2007
I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome, along with (according to a peer reviewed research paper about functional bowel disorders I read yesterday) 10% of the population of westernised countries. The symptoms include, among other things, bloating, cramps, abdominal pain and gas. In other words, I fart a lot.
Yes, I even fart in public. IBS is generally triggered by stress so back when my boyfriend and I were first dating I was gassy all the time and probably farted on every date. Every single one. Holding it in isn't an option, the pain is excruciating (IBS includes hypersensitivity to pain) and is immediately relieved by letting out the gas. Making it to a bathroom often isn't an option either, when the cramps hit real bad I often can't walk for a minute or two until they pass. I was eventually prescribed some antispasmodics that helped prevent the initial cramping and bloating (and therefore reduced farting) and these days I can control the whole thing entirely by diet, but that can take years to sort out and this isn't easily fixed by some over the counter whatever.
I'm not some boorish pig or lacking in manners. I'm not embarrassed by this any more (it's part of who I am) but I was when I was younger and it's pretty hard to bring up when first meeting someone. The other symptoms that go with the syndrome are nasty, hardly first date material, and it's an awkward conversation. At the same time I don't see why I should be expected to lock myself away in a room and never have friends or lovers because my gut doesn't always work properly, particularly when this actually *is* a common problem (despite what the naysayers in this thread are saying). So screw everyone who assumes he's a bad person or doing this on purpose or that the medical angle isn't valid.
What I did do was talk with my boyfriend about it early on in our relationship. I'm pretty sure he brought it up, in a joking kind of way, and he was receptive and open minded so I laid it out for him. The way he responded to that told me a lot about the kind of person he was (supportive, awesome) and the fact that he thought nothing of broaching such a subject as indicative of how healthy and great the communication was, and remains, between us. So why don't you just bloody talk to your boyfriend? Ask him what's going on? You've been together a month, that's totally long enough to have built up some lines of communication and to be working on a real relationship. Being put off by farting isn't shallow, it's not the most fun thing in the world, but being too scared/embarrassed/whatever to talk to him about his behaviour and your relationship is shallow. Suck it up.
And yeah, he may be a boorish farting pig and may not care about your comfort or whatever. Or he may have something genuinely wrong with him and turns out you still can't stomach it. All that is fine and there's no reason to feel bad if you guys end up splitting up. But if you don't even try to communicate, that's sad.
(as an aside, I'm a digestive physiologist/biochemist and study IBD (not IBS) so when I tell you that there are a number of medical conditions that may be contributing to this, which there are, I actually know what I'm talking about)
posted by shelleycat at 9:34 PM on July 30, 2007
Yes, I even fart in public. IBS is generally triggered by stress so back when my boyfriend and I were first dating I was gassy all the time and probably farted on every date. Every single one. Holding it in isn't an option, the pain is excruciating (IBS includes hypersensitivity to pain) and is immediately relieved by letting out the gas. Making it to a bathroom often isn't an option either, when the cramps hit real bad I often can't walk for a minute or two until they pass. I was eventually prescribed some antispasmodics that helped prevent the initial cramping and bloating (and therefore reduced farting) and these days I can control the whole thing entirely by diet, but that can take years to sort out and this isn't easily fixed by some over the counter whatever.
I'm not some boorish pig or lacking in manners. I'm not embarrassed by this any more (it's part of who I am) but I was when I was younger and it's pretty hard to bring up when first meeting someone. The other symptoms that go with the syndrome are nasty, hardly first date material, and it's an awkward conversation. At the same time I don't see why I should be expected to lock myself away in a room and never have friends or lovers because my gut doesn't always work properly, particularly when this actually *is* a common problem (despite what the naysayers in this thread are saying). So screw everyone who assumes he's a bad person or doing this on purpose or that the medical angle isn't valid.
What I did do was talk with my boyfriend about it early on in our relationship. I'm pretty sure he brought it up, in a joking kind of way, and he was receptive and open minded so I laid it out for him. The way he responded to that told me a lot about the kind of person he was (supportive, awesome) and the fact that he thought nothing of broaching such a subject as indicative of how healthy and great the communication was, and remains, between us. So why don't you just bloody talk to your boyfriend? Ask him what's going on? You've been together a month, that's totally long enough to have built up some lines of communication and to be working on a real relationship. Being put off by farting isn't shallow, it's not the most fun thing in the world, but being too scared/embarrassed/whatever to talk to him about his behaviour and your relationship is shallow. Suck it up.
And yeah, he may be a boorish farting pig and may not care about your comfort or whatever. Or he may have something genuinely wrong with him and turns out you still can't stomach it. All that is fine and there's no reason to feel bad if you guys end up splitting up. But if you don't even try to communicate, that's sad.
(as an aside, I'm a digestive physiologist/biochemist and study IBD (not IBS) so when I tell you that there are a number of medical conditions that may be contributing to this, which there are, I actually know what I'm talking about)
posted by shelleycat at 9:34 PM on July 30, 2007
Ug, OK rereading that makes me realise it seems kind of harsh, which the original question totally did not warrant. Sorry. But some of the answers here really are over the top harsh and there is no evidence so far that this guy is bad in any way, the OP just need to TALK to him about it.
posted by shelleycat at 9:39 PM on July 30, 2007
posted by shelleycat at 9:39 PM on July 30, 2007
there is no evidence so far that this guy is bad in any way, the OP just need to TALK to him about it.
He's letting "loud, long, malodourous farts" while on dates and he's not even saying excuse me {etc.}. She shouldn't have to ignore the loud, long, malodourous farts or figure out a way to ask him what's up with the loud, long, malodourous farts; he should volunteer the full skinny on the loud, long, malodourous farts he's blasting her with.
Not that the whole question isn't silly, of course: she's grossed out by his loud, long, malodourous farts, so she should stop seeing him, regardless of the cause of his loud, long, malodourous farts. There are plenty of other fish in the ocean and most of them don't let loud, long, malodourous farts on every date.
(Loud, long, malodourous farts. It's almost musical. Or a line from Tennyson. I bet Mariana let loud, long, malodourous farts when she was alone in her moated grange.)
posted by pracowity at 7:28 AM on July 31, 2007
He's letting "loud, long, malodourous farts" while on dates and he's not even saying excuse me {etc.}. She shouldn't have to ignore the loud, long, malodourous farts or figure out a way to ask him what's up with the loud, long, malodourous farts; he should volunteer the full skinny on the loud, long, malodourous farts he's blasting her with.
Not that the whole question isn't silly, of course: she's grossed out by his loud, long, malodourous farts, so she should stop seeing him, regardless of the cause of his loud, long, malodourous farts. There are plenty of other fish in the ocean and most of them don't let loud, long, malodourous farts on every date.
(Loud, long, malodourous farts. It's almost musical. Or a line from Tennyson. I bet Mariana let loud, long, malodourous farts when she was alone in her moated grange.)
posted by pracowity at 7:28 AM on July 31, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Baud at 1:06 PM on July 29, 2007 [3 favorites]