Can everybody just leave me alone?

June 19, 2007 3:52 PM

How can I dissociate my personal life from my professional dealings?

I hate to complain, but I loathe almost every aspect of my job, other than the pay. However, I love the rest of my life and have no financial troubles at the moment, which is important. So for the time being, I'm staying at my job, hoping and looking for something better to come along. My superiors are rude and exploitative, but that is what I signed up for and that is very common in my field. I just want to know how to talk to someone and look them in the eye while knowing they are obnoxious. In spite of this post, I am normally a positive person and am cheerful around others. It makes me uncomfortable to be unfriendly in the workplace. But I am at the point where I can't stand the thought of being friendly to these people. I just want to be completely neutral and not condone their behavior while not behaving as though I expect anything more.

Next week I have to travel all week with a superior who has previously talked my ear off on similar trips, telling me insanely personal details of her life. It is difficult for me to react to this kind of thing. I don't want to engage in any non-work conversation with her or any other superior. They do not have my best personal interests at heart, and maybe they shouldn't, but I don't see why I should have to engage in personal conversations with them. I am going on vacation shortly and it bothers me to no end that my superiors ask me detailed questions about my trip. I truly don't feel that I should have to tell them about my outside life. But how can I get around this without being overtly rude? I know it is my prerogative to just stay silent or give short answers and let them think what they want, but the guilt from behaving rudely would eat me alive.

I know other people must dislike their jobs/bosses and yet behave in a way that is not offensive to either themselves or their coworkers. How do people deal with this? Do I just need to grow up? Grow a backbone? Learn some generic responses?

posted by askmeanony to Work & Money (16 answers total)

I don't want to engage in any non-work conversation with her or any other superior.

You run the risk of being completely ostracized if you do this.

- So instead - Talk about them. Ask follow up questions to whatever you they are talking about. You don't have to give detailed information about your life. Most peopel would prefer to talk about themselves anyways. Be nice, but don't confide if that makes sense. People like nice people, nice people are nice. Be nice.
posted by bigmusic at 3:59 PM on June 19, 2007

Learning how to make pleasant conversation with people you have nothing in common with is a valuable skill. Look at it as a game, it's not so much about the conversation as it is about forming long term relationships with people. They need to feel they can trust you and that you aren't some kind of elitist weirdo.
When I was in the Navy one of the things that got me through was being able to convince my superiors that they were smart and interesting people (some of them really were). This got me better evals and better work assignments. If you're a salesman, it will get you better sales. If you work with people in an office it will make them more candid and open when dealing with you, which will generally make your life easier.
posted by doctor_negative at 4:24 PM on June 19, 2007

I feel your pain. There is nothing I hate more than having to play nice with morally objectionable people.

Is there anyway you can pretend you just absolutely have to finish this one book or listen to this one 40 hour long podcast while you have downtime on your trip? Maybe you could pretend to be just ill enough to not want to talk but not too ill to go on the trip.

I take it you don't care what these people think about you as long as you don't get fired, right? Then let them think you're a socially backward loner. They'll feel sorry for you and you'll only have to interact with them on a minimal level.
posted by Jess the Mess at 4:34 PM on June 19, 2007

I am going on vacation shortly and it bothers me to no end that my superiors ask me detailed questions about my trip. I truly don't feel that I should have to tell them about my outside life. But how can I get around this without being overtly rude? I know it is my prerogative to just stay silent or give short answers and let them think what they want, but the guilt from behaving rudely would eat me alive.

Just respond pleasantly (ie, smile) but vaguely, and repeat yourself if they ask for more details:
Them: So, what are you doing on your vacation?
You: Oh, you know, this and that. I don't really have any concrete plans. (Or, if you've already told them what your plans are, "any concrete plans beyond [thing].")
Them: But you must have some idea what you're going to do.
You: Well, like I said, I don't really have anything much worked out.
(That's a paraphrase of Miss Manners's advice for something similar.)
They aren't entitled to the details of your personal life, and it isn't rude to deny them those details.

If they're telling you things that are too personal about themselves, can you steer the conversation towards things that are still about them, but not uncomfortably TMI? Like, their pets. Some people love talking about cute stuff their pets do.
posted by Many bubbles at 4:47 PM on June 19, 2007

Response by poster: People like nice people, nice people are nice. Be nice.

I know. Good point. But the problem is that I have been nice for so long that I almost can't stand it anymore. Maybe I just need to be nice and secretly know I don't mean it or something, I don't know.

. . . one of the things that got me through was being able to convince my superiors that they were smart and interesting people. . .

Believe me, my superiors do not need any help in that department. And anyway, the point is that I am sick of massaging their ginormous egos. I know what you're saying, Dr Neg, and in most instances I agree with you. I'm pretty much a conformist in everyday life and I like to keep things running smoothly and not cause a stir. But I am just growing so sick of it, especially when they sit in my office and tell me things that I know are not true. I can't live with myself massaging an ego to that.

Is there anyway you can pretend you just absolutely have to finish this one book or listen to this one 40 hour long podcast while you have downtime on your trip?

Now that is an excellent suggestion, Jess the Mess. Maybe I will pretend to have other work to do.
posted by askmeanony at 4:56 PM on June 19, 2007

Response by poster: Thanks, Many bubbles. I have tried being vague about those kinds of things in the past. I think they look at me suspiciously when I do that, but I don't feel that they need to know any more. (I feel better knowing Miss Manners is on my side!) Also good suggestion about talking about pets. It sure beats the brother's love affair and the tragic loss of virginity I heard about on the last trip. Come to think of it, I love talking about cute stuff my pets do. Maybe I will adapt that for myself!
posted by askmeanony at 5:01 PM on June 19, 2007

This question is kind of in the same vein.
posted by MsMolly at 5:03 PM on June 19, 2007

I am the queen of hating coworkers. When I worked in an office and had to play "the game" (of exchanging inane conversation about things I couldn't care less about), I would kind of create another identity and play the role of the happy worker bee. Basically I faked an interest in people's stupid pets and "funny" stories and vacations etc etc for the sake of getting along, while constantly reminding myself that it was like acting.

I also agree with the advice to deflect questions by asking chatty coworkers more about themselves. You might have to listen to boring stories, but at least you don't have to contribute much. You get ammunition while giving very little up in return.
posted by Bella Sebastian at 5:24 PM on June 19, 2007

This is why, for the most part, God invented sports— so that you can talk to, but not with, a person for some length of time. Especially if you're a guy, even women (below friend level) will give you a pass if all you want to talk about is sports.

Aside from that, learn to be reserved. Oh, and something that helps me is really enjoying the hell out of the rest of my life. Then, when I'm stuck listening to some inane anecdote, I can think "Man, I really liked fucking my girlfriend all weekend. That was pretty sweet." Feel free to replace that with whatever your hobby is.
posted by klangklangston at 5:31 PM on June 19, 2007

Just remember that people LOVE to talk about themselves. Steer the conversation to them, their interests, their lives, etc. Make yourself seem boring.
posted by i_am_a_Jedi at 8:22 PM on June 19, 2007

Find a pretext to occupy free time on a business trip: Got to go call my sick Mom, game on teevee I want to see, working out in the exercise room, or, better, running. People ask about your trip because it's polite to show an interest. Just say you had a great time and thank them for asking, then change the subject, i..e, How was the weather/work/client/project while I was away?
posted by theora55 at 4:55 AM on June 20, 2007

OMG, did my other personality escape and post this question?

In my experience, the more you try to hold back, back away, maintain some personal distance, the more certain kinds of people will push forward. Nature does tend to abhor a vacuum and some people consider "disassociating" behavior as creating an open space they can't or don't want to deal with.

It's good that you recognize the situation and realize that some of the people in question probably do not in fact have your best personal interests at heart and you may need to try to protect yourself. Just be careful how you do it. I used to tell people--sarcastically of course--that I was spending my off-hours shoplifting or doing cocaine. And I learned that it's true that some people are absolutely willing to believe the worst about you even when it's patently absurd.

Some good advice has been posted here and I hope you find a solution that works for you.


waving hello to the people--and you know who you are--who are going to read or hear about this and find yet another excuse...
posted by fuse theorem at 6:44 AM on June 20, 2007

Response by poster: fuse theorem, that is exactly the problem. I am talking about people who will not stop asking until they get the details they are looking for, and if you respond vaguely to them, they basically create their own story--and it certainly won't be one that puts you in a favorable light.
posted by askmeanony at 8:58 AM on June 20, 2007

I am talking about people who will not stop asking until they get the details they are looking for, and if you respond vaguely to them, they basically create their own story--and it certainly won't be one that puts you in a favorable light.

Oh, ugh. How about whenever someone asks what you've been doing (as opposed to your plans), tell them, "Oh, nothing much. You know, watching reruns of [show they wouldn't like but that you've seen at least a couple episodes of]/playing with the dog/cat/iguana." After a little while they should figure out that you don't do anything that they want to hear about at length.
posted by Many bubbles at 9:39 AM on June 20, 2007

"I am talking about people who will not stop asking until they get the details they are looking for, and if you respond vaguely to them, they basically create their own story--and it certainly won't be one that puts you in a favorable light."

Sports, or some other hobby/interest that you can delve into fractal minutae of, is the answer. If all you ever tell them about is watching this ball game, there's nothing negative they can come out with. If they ask you anything, bore them with details.

(Of course, I'm prone to two other tactics— the endless questions about the person I'm talking to, and the uncomfortable silence to make someone else fill the void).
posted by klangklangston at 12:17 PM on June 20, 2007

easy answer: don't shower for the whole trip.
Who cares if she starts spreading rumors after that? You're looking for another job anyway and grooming doesn't go into the evaluation :)


Or


munch on dried fish. You can find it at ethnic stores, usually nicely packaged. The smell will chase away any chatty coworkers. I found that out by chance, I think it's a gem of information ;)
posted by spacefire at 10:12 AM on June 25, 2007