Adults can't be abandonded but it sure feels that way
May 15, 2007 1:09 PM Subscribe
A couple of weeks ago I posted this askme about a SO asking for space and received some answers that really helped me out. They mostly validated what I already knew but that validation was a big help. Now I have a related plea for advice...
I've been through loads of therapy and made a great deal of progress in many areas. Although I also made a pretty decent amount of progress with the "abandonment panic" when it comes to relationship hiccups I just can't seem to get that one area under control. I saw a number of therapist over the years and most seemed quite competent and helped me in many ways. I even attended some rather well know week long retreats to work on my issues.
What I asking for here is advice from others who have had a bit more success dealing with this particular issue.
I've been through loads of therapy and made a great deal of progress in many areas. Although I also made a pretty decent amount of progress with the "abandonment panic" when it comes to relationship hiccups I just can't seem to get that one area under control. I saw a number of therapist over the years and most seemed quite competent and helped me in many ways. I even attended some rather well know week long retreats to work on my issues.
What I asking for here is advice from others who have had a bit more success dealing with this particular issue.
What do you really want? I know you "don't want to feel abandoned" but there are millions of possibilities. What DO you want?
You ask for advice so here's something to try.
I recommend you answer this question by writing stream of consciousness style (no reading, no editing, no stopping -- just keep writing whatever comes up, without censorship) and allow yourself to go over 10, 20, 30 or more "wants" until you get to one which really resonates with you and just thinking about it makes you think in terms of "now, HOW do I get that?"
Allow yourself to be emotional in the process. Want the things which are "not OK to want" and the things you don't deserve and the things you are ashamed of.
This writing is for your eyes only.
Once you arrive to the last one, post it here.
Make sure it is a want and not "not-want." Again, not-wants have you focus on the things you try to avoid. It's OK to have a few ones in your writing process but once you catch using not-wants, immediately focus on what you want.
So start with "What I really want is... "
and take it from there.
posted by andreinla at 3:46 PM on May 15, 2007 [1 favorite]
You ask for advice so here's something to try.
I recommend you answer this question by writing stream of consciousness style (no reading, no editing, no stopping -- just keep writing whatever comes up, without censorship) and allow yourself to go over 10, 20, 30 or more "wants" until you get to one which really resonates with you and just thinking about it makes you think in terms of "now, HOW do I get that?"
Allow yourself to be emotional in the process. Want the things which are "not OK to want" and the things you don't deserve and the things you are ashamed of.
This writing is for your eyes only.
Once you arrive to the last one, post it here.
Make sure it is a want and not "not-want." Again, not-wants have you focus on the things you try to avoid. It's OK to have a few ones in your writing process but once you catch using not-wants, immediately focus on what you want.
So start with "What I really want is... "
and take it from there.
posted by andreinla at 3:46 PM on May 15, 2007 [1 favorite]
Susan Johnson is kinda the leader in books about this. her "The Black Swan" as well as "Journey from Abandonment to Recovery" helped me greatly in at least being able to identify whats actually going on with the issue.
posted by softlord at 6:05 PM on May 15, 2007
posted by softlord at 6:05 PM on May 15, 2007
Response by poster: different: Loads of cognitive behavioral therapy from multiple therapist. This is part of the reason I'm so mystified that I can't seem to get past this.
andreinla: When a relationship ends or runs into bumps in the road I want to be able to react rationally rather than like a lost child. I'm 46 years old and when I feel the person I'm in a relationship with pull away, even temporarily, I react like i'm 5 or 6 years old and my parents (mother probably) have pulled the car over to the side of the road, booted me out of the car and just driven away never to return. My rational brain knows this is ridiculous but that's the way I react emotionally.
softlord; I'll take a look at both the Susan Johnson books
posted by TurdBlossom at 7:19 PM on May 15, 2007
andreinla: When a relationship ends or runs into bumps in the road I want to be able to react rationally rather than like a lost child. I'm 46 years old and when I feel the person I'm in a relationship with pull away, even temporarily, I react like i'm 5 or 6 years old and my parents (mother probably) have pulled the car over to the side of the road, booted me out of the car and just driven away never to return. My rational brain knows this is ridiculous but that's the way I react emotionally.
softlord; I'll take a look at both the Susan Johnson books
posted by TurdBlossom at 7:19 PM on May 15, 2007
Response by poster: The ridiculous thing is that my girlfriend and I are still together. I'm in the process of destroying the relationship completely because she has asked for a little space and my reaction is to crowd her even more. This is a women who still plans to take a trip to Florida with me a week from now. I'm acting completely irrationally.
posted by TurdBlossom at 7:33 PM on May 15, 2007
posted by TurdBlossom at 7:33 PM on May 15, 2007
TurdBlossom, while the answer you gave to andreinla did help to clarify a little, you do realize that you just described a "not-want," right? You said, essentially, that you want to avoid acting like a hurt child when your relationships get bumpy. You want to not feel abandoned. That's a negative, something you want to avoid. And it's fine to have things you want to avoid. But that's not what she asked. She asked what you DO WANT.
What's something positive you'd like to see in place of the abandonment you now feel? Would you like to be able to confidently walk away from relationships when people pull away from you? Would you like to be able to give people space? Would you like to want space of your own? Would you like to be able to get into relationships with people who want and need you so deeply that they'll never want any more space than you want? Would you like to enjoy being alone more than you do so that you don't need relationships? Would you like your mother to come back and apologize for whatever it is she did that made you feel this way in the first place? What's the positive thing you want? Like she said, there are millions of possibilities, and you could want many of them. But wanting not to be abandoned, by itself, isn't really enough to figure out what's going on.
posted by decathecting at 6:46 PM on May 16, 2007
What's something positive you'd like to see in place of the abandonment you now feel? Would you like to be able to confidently walk away from relationships when people pull away from you? Would you like to be able to give people space? Would you like to want space of your own? Would you like to be able to get into relationships with people who want and need you so deeply that they'll never want any more space than you want? Would you like to enjoy being alone more than you do so that you don't need relationships? Would you like your mother to come back and apologize for whatever it is she did that made you feel this way in the first place? What's the positive thing you want? Like she said, there are millions of possibilities, and you could want many of them. But wanting not to be abandoned, by itself, isn't really enough to figure out what's going on.
posted by decathecting at 6:46 PM on May 16, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by different at 3:14 PM on May 15, 2007