So a man meets this tall hot chick in a club...
May 15, 2007 8:18 PM   Subscribe

I was out at a club, and a girl invited me to come to her place - tomorrow. She probably wants to have sex. My girlfriend is visiting the day after. That's the uncomplicated part.

I've been with a girl for about one year. She cheated on me once, and though I am still with her and basically forgave her, I cannot forget, and I still get very suspicious whenever she seems a bit strange towards me. After she cheated on me, I told her I'd sleep with 10 girls before I would consider us quit. She agreed, and fast forward a few months later, and we do not speak about this topic anymore.

However, I have kept those 10 girls in mind, and I've already slept with 3 girls. She has no idea.

(By the way, she lives in another city, and we see each other about every two weeks.)

Now, my girl is coming to visit in a few days. Last weekend I was at a crazy club, and I met this girl who was very fascinating. Very tall and dominating girl, the type who looks you in the eye and grabs your balls. You know, not just an everyday girl, but someone who seems like she is very different. And this girl kissed me and invited me to her place.

Another complication - in a few months I'm travelling abroad, and me and my girlfriend agreed that we would split up as soon as I leave, and maybe meet each other in a couple of years and restart. And life being how it is, it is likely that we will not come together again. So I'll be leaving my girlfriend in a few months anyways. Why do I not leave now? I like her and enjoy spending time with her. When she is around, it's excellent fun. Neither her nor me wants to end this, and frankly, I never met anyone better for me than her.

So I'm thinking - this other girl is someone who is wild and crazy. She may just want sex, she may want sex and friendship, she may want sex and relationship. I think she is fascinating, and would want to remain in contact with her. So telling the truth, as in mentioning my girlfriend will probably just make her move on. She does not yet know me, and till I get relaxed, I am a bit standoffish. But once I'm comfortable, she'll want to hang out with me at the least.

You see my point? Do I go to this girls house, have sex with her, meet my girlfriend the next day and put my phone off to avoid embarrassing calls? Or do I not go and miss the opportunity to meet a fascinating new person with whom I may start a friendship, or a relationship when I separate from my girlfriend? And what about this thing with me not having slept with the 10 girls yet?

It's all a lot of things running through my mind.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (45 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite

 
Why wait breaking things off with the girlfriend when it seems to be over right now? Do you have to repay this pussy-debt before you break up or something? Stop putting off the inevitable and keep your date with the club girl.
posted by dr_dank at 8:25 PM on May 15, 2007 [1 favorite]


Grow a pair.
posted by flabdablet at 8:26 PM on May 15, 2007 [4 favorites]


You clearly don't want to be in a relationship -- what are you waiting for? It's time to grow up and break up. If you have any respect for your partner you would do her that favour.
posted by loiseau at 8:34 PM on May 15, 2007 [3 favorites]


Good grief - son, you don't have a "girlfriend" in any sense of the word -- sounds to me like you're a basic man-whore. Nothing wrong with that necessarily, 'cept you've got to own up to it and not pretend that you have any kind of meaningful relationship.

Look, if you want to have sex and lots of fun with lots of women, no problem - go for it - but don't try to get all moralizing and wonder if you should do X or Y, or try to rationalize your behavior by putting a numerical value on infidelity (10 women = 1 cheat? WTF?).

Sounds to me like you're gonna do whatever you want any time you want - and if that's the case, and you're cool with it, then hey - it's your life. Accept it, do it, and move on...but don't start the hand-wringing about emotional consequences or morning-after doubts.
posted by davidmsc at 8:39 PM on May 15, 2007 [5 favorites]


Wait, neither of you wants to end the relationship, but you have set an expiry date on it and agreed to break up then? That isn't a relationship, it's friends with benefits and you should forget the 10 girls thing and sleep with whomever you want without guilt (and without putting guilt on her for the same reason).
posted by dg at 8:39 PM on May 15, 2007


Yeah your relationship is doomed (and you're going to split up in a few months anyway). This whole thing about sleeping with ten women to get back at your girlfriend for sleeping with another guy is immature bullshit. Do the right (i.e. the adult) thing and split up with your girlfriend. Then you can be free to have sex with whomever you desire.
posted by ob at 8:41 PM on May 15, 2007 [3 favorites]


Your balls aren't the nuts here. What's supporting your frame, Jello? Grow a spine. Warn your girlfriend off. Fuck the shiny new girl. Realize you're her toy. Get on with life.

I'm miffed you even asked for advice.
posted by nilihm at 8:52 PM on May 15, 2007 [2 favorites]


Can you and your girlfriend have a discussion about making your open relationship official and... well... actually open? Since you're sleeping around on her, she very well could be sleeping around on you*, and neither of you wants to break up, so it might be worth a shot.

That said, it sounds like there is already a lot of drama and baggage and it is likely too late to make that decision, especially retroactively, as it were. In that case, break up with her and sleep with whomever you want... you won't even have to ask AskMeFi about it.

*I say I wouldn't be surprised if she's sleeping around on you because you said: "After she cheated on me, I told her I'd sleep with 10 girls before I would consider us quit. She agreed, and fast forward a few months later, and we do not speak about this topic anymore." That sounds to me like carte blanche to both of you.
posted by juliplease at 8:52 PM on May 15, 2007


So, if I understand correctly, you aren't ready to break up with your girlfriend because you have slept with only 3 of the 10 other women? Can't you just sleep with 7 more women once you break up with your girlfriend? Break up with her.
posted by necessitas at 8:56 PM on May 15, 2007


You and your girlfriend plan on breaking up in a few months as soon as you start traveling? Why are you procrastinating? That relationship is doomed, end it now before someone's feeling are hurt further.

Basically, I think you should get as much ass as you can while you are young and still have your looks. Be honest with all parties; if your girlfriend wants monogamy tell her that she's getting kicked to the curb because you want to get your freak on with other women. If the other girls want to tie you down, let them know that you are are about to split town for your big adventure abroad. Remain open and honest to all and allow them to make the decision to get with you. Don't try to fool anyone, it will bite you in the ass.

As you get older, unless you manage a personality transplant, there will be less opportunities for you to to get it on with fine women. So follow your bliss now and please wear a condom or two.
posted by peeedro at 9:01 PM on May 15, 2007 [1 favorite]


Looks to me like you don't have a girlfriend. Carry on!
posted by padraigin at 9:10 PM on May 15, 2007 [1 favorite]


I don't get the sense that you have any meaningful attachment to this girlfriend. I could be wrong, but honestly I'm struggling to understand what is driving you to be with her.

Break up with her. Tell her about the three other girls so she can at least know to get tested and move on. Go ahead and see what happens with this new girl if she's so amazing.

I really just get the feeling you were looking for people to brag to here. You were gonna do whatever the fuck you wanted to anyway.
posted by piratebowling at 9:13 PM on May 15, 2007 [4 favorites]


If sleeping with the three other girls wasn't a big deal, why should this latest girl cause you any concern? I don't get it. Break it off with you faux-girlfriend, tell her about the three other girls, and then have your fun.
posted by Ostara at 9:18 PM on May 15, 2007 [1 favorite]


You see my point?

No, I don't. Your "relationship" makes little sense to me, as does your apparent "need" to sleep with 7 more girls before you can break up with your girlfriend.

What difference does it make that your "girlfriend" is visiting soon after your "date" with this new chick? Cheating is cheating, unless it's something you agreed to with your girlfriend, in which case it's not cheating.

Honestly, I think it's sick that you're using other women's bodies to get back at your "girlfriend". If you want to hook up with someone specific, and you don't have a moral problem with it, then fucking do it. You sound like an immature, self-centered frat boy to think you should be keeping a mental tally of the chicks you've bagged.

Honestly, this post just sounds like your excuse to brag about your potential hookup. Get over yourself.
posted by tastybrains at 9:24 PM on May 15, 2007 [5 favorites]


I really just get the feeling you were looking for people to brag to here.

Bingo.

In the unlikely event that the poster is serious, I will say this: planning to break up is asinine. Get on with it already. I'm going to spare you the rest of my remarks, as they rapidly turn violent.
posted by aramaic at 9:24 PM on May 15, 2007 [5 favorites]


• you don't have a girlfriend
• this post makes you out to be an asshole
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 9:32 PM on May 15, 2007 [11 favorites]


"Oh, no, I have TOO MANY women to sleep with--what shall I do? How can I sleep with ALL of them and still respect myself in the morning?" This is probably not the most compelling moral dilemma I've encountered.

The key thing here is to embrace the hedonism and throw off the shackles of your fake relationship and get down to business. And use plenty of protection. Also, drink lots of fluids. Lots and lots of fluids.
posted by Midnight Creeper at 9:59 PM on May 15, 2007 [2 favorites]


You should definitely sleep with the new girl and your girlfriend. Duh. That's not even a question. But I'm afraid you're not seeing the big picture here. You've got two women here and they're both interested in having sex with you within a 24 hour period. Engage your brain and think about your options here. The play you want to make should involve getting your girlfriend and the club girl into the same bed. This isn't as difficult you might think. You've already got your girlfriend in the hole and the club girl sounds like she'd be into it. Tell your girlfriend you want to forgive her but you need "closure" or some bullshit. It doesn't really matter -- you've got nothing to lose as far as she's concerned. Buy some wine -- not the cheap stuff -- and some grindy dance music and some sex toys. When the time comes don't be afraid to pull out all the stops from the L-bomb to crying like a little girl to get what you want. It'll be worth it.
posted by nixerman at 10:18 PM on May 15, 2007 [10 favorites]


this relationship is over. you do not love her.

that being said, it's up to you if you want to milk this thing for as long as possible or break it off now. but you are neither being fair nor moral nor ethical in any way. since when does one evil permit you do the same? that's not justice, it's vengenance.
posted by krautland at 10:30 PM on May 15, 2007


Note that once you break up with your "girlfriend", you won't be as cocky out at the clubs, because you won't be able to rationalize rejection with "yeah, fuck her, I'm gonna be getting some from my girlfriend next weekend".

Since getting hookups depends on being willing to go through N rejections per score, you'll score less once you don't have the "fallback 'girlfriend'".

Just an amoral tactical consideration, of course.
posted by orthogonality at 10:39 PM on May 15, 2007 [1 favorite]


Be honest with your partners about your desires and your intentions. Otherwise, do whatever you want - it's your life! You are responsible for yourself and for negotiating your relationships. Have realistic expectations of your partners and set realistic expectations for them to have of you.

If your current partner is ok with you being with other women, and is just as conscious of the fact that relationships is ending as you are, what does it matter if you go or not? If you go to mee the new girl, tell her what kind of relationships you want, or that you are open to what it could be, and be honest about your current situation. Don't assume that she'll reject you just because you're not interested in monogamy.
posted by DecemberRaine at 11:26 PM on May 15, 2007


Life is short.
Listen to Nixerman.

Seriously
posted by chillmost at 12:20 AM on May 16, 2007


This has to be the most messed up relationship ever... so I'd go for it and turn your phone off the next day. This 10 girls thing is the most bizarre thing I've heard for a while!
posted by tomw at 1:12 AM on May 16, 2007


I love this thread. I have so much to say, I don't know where to start.

I would like to become a "man-whore" on a budget without cheating. I may post anon to ask-me to find out how.

Aside from questioner's confusing short term goals and the potty mouth idiots who think calling names is helpful... what are we, in the sixth grade?

Anon, give this a thought: If these women knew what you thought, honestly, how would they feel?

The club girl might think of you as relationship material, but more likely she probably isn't into you for the long term, based on your little acquaintance. Your gf would probably break up with you if you told her the truth.

You are traveling abroad. You have the opportunity to meet people, try out new attitudes, and consider what is in your long term best interests.

I think you are looking for a gf who would never cheat on you. If this is the case, consider this: How will you find her?
posted by ewkpates at 3:18 AM on May 16, 2007


This is why I often find myself with such low opinion of straight men. Did you fall through a crack in spacetime, from somewhere in the early 60's?

It isn't about purity or fidelity, by my estimation. It's simply about the counting thing. Women aren't numbers. They aren't notches up your bedpost. Making the happy is best way to spend time with someone. Woopee! But damn, this counting thing, it sounds so 60's juvenile. Right out of Porky's.

I think you seriously need to go see this new lady. Maybe you'll be lucky and she'll grind you up and make you beg for more, teach you the value of a woman.
posted by Goofyy at 3:31 AM on May 16, 2007


Perhaps this should be directed to Dr. Drew. Also, isn't there some rule of thumb that applies to men who brag about their conquests? Something along the lines of "divide by three and add one".
posted by DefendBrooklyn at 4:41 AM on May 16, 2007


I have to ask, what's the point of your question? You clearly have no regard for your "girlfriend's" feelings (or likely protecting her from STDs), so why bother dropping by here to ask what you should do? You don't indicate that you're in any kind of moral conundrum. Your only dilemma seems to be where and when to make your next conquest and whether to forego the steady thing for the exotic thing. I emphasize the word thing.

Either do what you will and don't trouble anyone else with it, or learn how to be a person of substance and integrity.
posted by psmealey at 5:20 AM on May 16, 2007


[leave your "you are a douche bag" responses for email or metatalk, seriously.]
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 5:29 AM on May 16, 2007


Wow, one of the saddest things I've read. You must hate your "girlfriend". But seriously, stop pretending you have a girlfriend. F*ck who you want, have your fun. She's probably out f*cking more guys you will never hear about. Women are infinitely superior at that sort of thing and its generally much easier for them. Especially if they are in a different city.
posted by daveyt at 5:51 AM on May 16, 2007


She's probably out f*cking more guys you will never hear about.

Probably true, and much deserved by the OP.

Dude, you think way too highly of yourself.
posted by spitbull at 6:18 AM on May 16, 2007


You need to learn the difference between the words girlfriend and fuck buddy.
posted by chuckdarwin at 6:28 AM on May 16, 2007 [1 favorite]


Do a search on askmefi for "cheat on girlfriend" There's enough threads on this topic to fully answer your shallow question.
posted by samsara at 6:54 AM on May 16, 2007


Nixerman, wow, yes. Yes. This is the kind of post that makes me think that old commercial was right on -- we did use up all the fun in the 70s.
posted by thinkpiece at 6:55 AM on May 16, 2007


This is why I often find myself with such low opinion of straight men.

Yes, because gay men are so well known for their fidelity! I think you will find that being a douche cuts across sexual orientation.

To the OP, your question is not complicated. Clearly you have no emotional tie to your "girlfriend", and I would wager she probably has sucked a few more cocks since she admitted her one transgression to you. That given, I say go have your fun, and expect that she's doing the same.
posted by modernnomad at 7:04 AM on May 16, 2007


Dr. Drew's immediate question would be "who abused you growing up?" and eventual advice would be along the lines of "end the emotionally unhealthy relationship, try to get into an adult relationship, and whatever happens practice safe sex."
posted by cowbellemoo at 7:12 AM on May 16, 2007


telling the truth, as in mentioning my girlfriend will probably just make her move on.

"I want something. Should I lie in order to get it?"

Is that really what you're asking? Are you asking about the ethics of the situation, because if so the answer is a resounding "no" in pretty much any moral system I can think of.

Are you asking for some sort of practical purpose, as in "I have a huge desire to lie. If I do, will I get away with it or will it blow up in my face?"

If that's your question, then the answer is "who knows?" It's a crap shoot. People lie and get away with it; people lie and get caught.

If you do get caught, how badly do you think you'll be affected by the fallout? If it were me, I wouldn't lie because (a) there's a statistically significant possibility I'd get caught, and (b) if I did, there's likely be conflict and guilt that would upset me way more than the pleasure I'd receive by lying.

So for purely selfish reasons, I'd be honest. And, of course, I have empathy for other people. I don't like being lied to. I imagine they don't either.
posted by grumblebee at 7:28 AM on May 16, 2007


10 for 1, seriously? end the "relationship" and work on something more emotionally healthy
posted by estronaut at 7:29 AM on May 16, 2007


I'm not sure this answers your question...but the next time I see a "Am I losing out by never having played the field?" question, I'm going to think of this one.
posted by gnomeloaf at 7:42 AM on May 16, 2007


Uhm ... yeah, this 10 to 1 ratio seems a little off, to me. If you want to be vengeful, I can maybe, maybe see justifying a 1 to 1 ratio. I mean, I've been cheated on, even with an indignant "Well, I thought we were in an open relationship" (after a year and a half of monogamy), but, still, your scheme is ... ugh ...

Anyway, your revenge plot may not seem right, but nixerman has got the right idea, I think. Well, maybe without the manipulation. It could be revised to include being honest with your girlfriend and sleeping with both of them at once.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 9:32 AM on May 16, 2007


I have to ask, what's the point of your question?...You don't indicate that you're in any kind of moral conundrum.

What psmealey said.

It's basically impossible to answer this question in a helpful way, because there is absolutely no framework on which we can evaluate your choices. You don't state that you respect and love your girlfriend and don't want to hurt her - in fact, you're pretty much saying the opposite. So we don't have to concern ourselves with your girlfriend. You don't cite a personal moral code that you're struggling with; this sort of situation seems to be all right with you, so we don't have to concern ourselves with reconciling your desires to meet your own or others' standards of behavior. You don't have any parameters with regard to this other girl, or presumably the three you cheated with before her, since you aren't concerned about the effect on her, her other possible involvements, etc. So we don't have to consider her situation at all. You aren't trying to preserve a future with either one of them at this point, so we don't have to think about your actions within a framework of future repercussions. What's left?

If we don't start with some basis on which to advise you as what we see as right or wrong, how can we answer the question? What is the question? If this behavior is all right with you and nothing about it bothers you at all, then that's the end of the story. Why even ask? What's troubling you?

You come across as a selfish, immature guy, who's hurt, angry and vengeful because you were cheated on, and is nowhere near grown up enough to maintain a healthy relationship with anyone. If that's what you are, if that's the identity you recognize and accept in yourself, then you haven't got a problem. Sleep with whoever you want and let the chips fall where they may. We don't have much to offer you if you really don't care much about what happens to yourself or anyone else in this scenario. If that's not the identity you want, then that is your problem, not who to sleep with and how to lie about it.
posted by Miko at 9:47 AM on May 16, 2007 [13 favorites]


I'm with Nixerman. They're just pieces of meat to you anyway. If I was one of the girls, I would be down with it.
posted by sunshinesky at 11:35 AM on May 16, 2007


Can I be blunt here and just tell you to grow up? By sleeping around on your girlfriend (yes, I realize she cheated on you which was bad but not an excuse for you to do the same) you could potentially KILL her. Don't give me the old, "Oh but I always use a condom" routine. Condoms aren't 100% and there are stds (i.e. hpv which causes 90+% of cervical cancer in women) which can be passed to your partners even when a condom is used properly because they are not transmitted via bodily fluids. You're really too immature to be having sex. Period.
posted by GlowWyrm at 11:46 AM on May 16, 2007 [2 favorites]


You're just a cheater and, judging my this post, much more lacking in character than your "girlfriend." Leave her and quit being a spoiled child.
posted by srrh at 3:01 PM on May 16, 2007


Because having sex with 10 people will even the score... man, what has sex become? It used to be a beautiful thing meant to connect two people and be a manifestation of their shared love. This is a really depressing post. Should have been titled, "Society is going to hell in a handbasket and I want to be a part of it."
posted by orangemiles at 6:10 PM on May 16, 2007 [4 favorites]


nthing grow a pair
posted by jannw at 8:50 AM on May 17, 2007


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