Stupid crying, go away, you aren't helping!
April 27, 2007 9:57 AM Subscribe
I need to get through a meeting where I will be attacked personally without crying. Is there anything (not therapy, not enough time) that will make it significantly harder for my eyes to produce tears that I can use?
I doubt there's anything topical -- so, consider role-playing: sit down, by yourself, and imagine everything that you expect to be said to you. Allow yourself to feel the brunt of it--react to it: cry, scream, yell, fall down and whimper-- whatever. Lather, rinse and repeat until you can face the accusations calmly.
posted by gsh at 10:05 AM on April 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by gsh at 10:05 AM on April 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
You could try thinking how much better you are than the person yelling at you, and how full of crap they are.
I sympathize... once in a job, I was being "coached" and I started crying... I have no idea why. I said excuse me, I don't know why I'm crying and we continued on.
posted by IndigoRain at 10:09 AM on April 27, 2007
I sympathize... once in a job, I was being "coached" and I started crying... I have no idea why. I said excuse me, I don't know why I'm crying and we continued on.
posted by IndigoRain at 10:09 AM on April 27, 2007
There's always... fighting back. I mean, probably not the best option in 99% of cases, but if you (inwardly or outwardly) see someone as improperly insulting you, then anger can take the place of sadness.
Just throwing that out there, if the objective is just to not-cry, ignoring long-term or logical factors.
posted by tmcw at 10:11 AM on April 27, 2007
Just throwing that out there, if the objective is just to not-cry, ignoring long-term or logical factors.
posted by tmcw at 10:11 AM on April 27, 2007
Is this meeting going to attack you, as in "Your work sucks", or attack you, as in "You're an ignorant slut."?
The first is acceptable, and you probably could get through it better by breathing and not dwelling on what has occurred but what you'll do to correct it and not make the same mistake in the future. If this person is close enough in authority, perhaps trying to mitigate the insults? I really don't know what will keep you from crying, except to perhaps try to lower the stimuli that you know causes you to cry.
The second is unacceptable, period. Don't do it if this is the case.
posted by plaidrabbit at 10:17 AM on April 27, 2007 [2 favorites]
The first is acceptable, and you probably could get through it better by breathing and not dwelling on what has occurred but what you'll do to correct it and not make the same mistake in the future. If this person is close enough in authority, perhaps trying to mitigate the insults? I really don't know what will keep you from crying, except to perhaps try to lower the stimuli that you know causes you to cry.
The second is unacceptable, period. Don't do it if this is the case.
posted by plaidrabbit at 10:17 AM on April 27, 2007 [2 favorites]
I agree with gsh 100%. Experience the worst possible version(s) of the situation beforehand, alone, and get it all out. Hash it over, exhaust the subject to the point where you no longer care. Just be sure to let go of it after that.
posted by bobobox at 10:18 AM on April 27, 2007
posted by bobobox at 10:18 AM on April 27, 2007
Look up. Literally - look up at the ceiling for a few seconds if you feel like you are about to tear up. I don't know why it works, but it does.
posted by clh at 10:18 AM on April 27, 2007
posted by clh at 10:18 AM on April 27, 2007
Consider having a giant latte or several cups of coffee. I can't cry when I'm hyper.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 10:19 AM on April 27, 2007
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 10:19 AM on April 27, 2007
I always feel so much better after crying it out.
Maybe you could get a close and trusted friend to rip you a new one the evening before your meeting (allotting enough time to pull yourself together again and fall asleep at a reasonable time.
This also gives you a little practice on the worst of what you may come up against during the real meeting.
posted by Maxwell_Smart at 10:20 AM on April 27, 2007
Maybe you could get a close and trusted friend to rip you a new one the evening before your meeting (allotting enough time to pull yourself together again and fall asleep at a reasonable time.
This also gives you a little practice on the worst of what you may come up against during the real meeting.
posted by Maxwell_Smart at 10:20 AM on April 27, 2007
Tears aren't your only problem. Even if you were dehydrated, you'd still get redfaced, have a hard time talking and make crying-type facial expressions. I doubt there's anyway to prevent all that short of drugs.
posted by DU at 10:20 AM on April 27, 2007
posted by DU at 10:20 AM on April 27, 2007
Here's an article on the topic which has some good suggestions. I would also add that you should be well-rested before going in to the meeting. Good luck!
posted by OpinioNate at 10:22 AM on April 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by OpinioNate at 10:22 AM on April 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
before you go in, get drunk, or high
posted by matteo at 10:25 AM on April 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by matteo at 10:25 AM on April 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
Load up the funniest stuff you've ever seen in your life. This would be on my list, were it me.
Jokes, Animations, Youtube videos, webpages - just overdose on funny before you hit the meeting.
You could either overload on total funny, or pick one or two things that make you laugh uncontrollably. You know - those things that have you laughing so hard you can't even control it, and you're scared to even think about it at work because you'll just bust out laughing inappropriately? Besides pages like the one I linked, I have several true-life stories where a few different things came together at just the right time to produce some really funny events. Those always make me laugh.
That's what I'd do. If you're at a 5 emotional state reading metafilter, where a 1 is crying, then perhaps take yourself up to a 10 (laughing hysterically) right before the meeting, and then maybe the attacking will only bring you down to the 5.
Best of luck to you.
posted by cashman at 10:36 AM on April 27, 2007
Jokes, Animations, Youtube videos, webpages - just overdose on funny before you hit the meeting.
You could either overload on total funny, or pick one or two things that make you laugh uncontrollably. You know - those things that have you laughing so hard you can't even control it, and you're scared to even think about it at work because you'll just bust out laughing inappropriately? Besides pages like the one I linked, I have several true-life stories where a few different things came together at just the right time to produce some really funny events. Those always make me laugh.
That's what I'd do. If you're at a 5 emotional state reading metafilter, where a 1 is crying, then perhaps take yourself up to a 10 (laughing hysterically) right before the meeting, and then maybe the attacking will only bring you down to the 5.
Best of luck to you.
posted by cashman at 10:36 AM on April 27, 2007
Is it possible to tune them out? Kind of like when mom yelled at you and just give the nod every so often.
Though I imagine it's in jest, I don't think getting drunk would be a good idea emotionally speaking. If anything, it becomes more difficult to withhold emotions and the tears could flow that much easier. Getting high, though, might fall in line with tuning the attacker out.
Also, info on why you're being verbally attacked would help us cue on more specific techniques.
posted by jmd82 at 10:40 AM on April 27, 2007
Though I imagine it's in jest, I don't think getting drunk would be a good idea emotionally speaking. If anything, it becomes more difficult to withhold emotions and the tears could flow that much easier. Getting high, though, might fall in line with tuning the attacker out.
Also, info on why you're being verbally attacked would help us cue on more specific techniques.
posted by jmd82 at 10:40 AM on April 27, 2007
what kind of meeting is this? there is very little besides a court date where you would be compelled to submit to a dressing-down.
is there any other way to accomplish whatever the meeting is supposed to accomplish? like over email?
and good lord, if it's job-related, then quit.
posted by thinkingwoman at 11:01 AM on April 27, 2007
is there any other way to accomplish whatever the meeting is supposed to accomplish? like over email?
and good lord, if it's job-related, then quit.
posted by thinkingwoman at 11:01 AM on April 27, 2007
Google betablockers.
posted by StickyCarpet at 11:03 AM on April 27, 2007
posted by StickyCarpet at 11:03 AM on April 27, 2007
Seconding looking up. Look up with your eyes (don't tilt your neck back) long enough to feel like your eyes aren't filling with tears anymore.
posted by chickletworks at 11:07 AM on April 27, 2007
posted by chickletworks at 11:07 AM on April 27, 2007
A friend once suggested pinching your hand or your arm really hard, and concentrating on the physical pain to distract you from your raging emotions. YMMV.
posted by junkbox at 11:10 AM on April 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by junkbox at 11:10 AM on April 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
seconding marijuana
posted by white light at 11:12 AM on April 27, 2007
posted by white light at 11:12 AM on April 27, 2007
Response by poster: Basically, it's a meeting to go over my performance at my teaching job at grad school, where the biggest complaint is that I'm "mean" and didn't get along with a professor. I can't just tune out, because if I can't get this sorted, I can't teach, which means I can't continue going to grad school and can't teach as a career. So that pretty much rules out getting to the point where I don't care anymore, or going in drunk. I'm trying to be as prepared as possible, but my life is crazy right now on a lot of levels, so my emotions are really high as a baseline. Plus being mad makes me cry just as easily.
The looking up has possibilities, though.
posted by JonahBlack at 11:16 AM on April 27, 2007
The looking up has possibilities, though.
posted by JonahBlack at 11:16 AM on April 27, 2007
looking up can easily be confused for rolling your eyes
posted by white light at 11:17 AM on April 27, 2007
posted by white light at 11:17 AM on April 27, 2007
Bring a drink, like a bottle of water, and sip from it during the meeting. When you feel tears coming up, CHOKE ON THE DRINK! (Or, you know, fake it for safety's sake.) Cough! Distract! Tears while choking are appropriate, and you have an excuse to wipe them off and about half a minute to take a few deep breaths and pull yourself together.
posted by easternblot at 11:22 AM on April 27, 2007 [2 favorites]
posted by easternblot at 11:22 AM on April 27, 2007 [2 favorites]
I feel for you. Oh do I feel for you.
I have had several work meetings lately about my health situation which has affected my attendance and performance in a big way. Talking about my most intimate personal problems with these people (my two bosses and various HR staff), hearing how much trouble I am causing them, and feeling like I can't even defend myself is very painful, and I have cried every time. I can only suggest that you bring tissue and if it happens, it happens. Acknowledge it and let them do what they need to do.
Try not to be ashamed. People have feelings. This is the sign of a tender-hearted person. There are much much worse things to be! Just concentrate on getting through it, and be very very kind to yourself the rest of the day. Junk food, bad TV and pyjamas heal most anything.
Good luck to you.
posted by loiseau at 11:33 AM on April 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
I have had several work meetings lately about my health situation which has affected my attendance and performance in a big way. Talking about my most intimate personal problems with these people (my two bosses and various HR staff), hearing how much trouble I am causing them, and feeling like I can't even defend myself is very painful, and I have cried every time. I can only suggest that you bring tissue and if it happens, it happens. Acknowledge it and let them do what they need to do.
Try not to be ashamed. People have feelings. This is the sign of a tender-hearted person. There are much much worse things to be! Just concentrate on getting through it, and be very very kind to yourself the rest of the day. Junk food, bad TV and pyjamas heal most anything.
Good luck to you.
posted by loiseau at 11:33 AM on April 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
I agree that we need to know more about the context of the criticism. Is it about your work or you personally? Will you be allowed any voice at all? Is it about a project you failed at? How do you know they will be "attacking" you as opposed to offering constructive criticism?
I get criticized a lot in my work as a writer. I have accepted the criticism badly many times, and finally have gotten the hang of listening to people as they dissect my work without reacting negatively. I feel angry and upset INSIDE, but OUTSIDE I look like a good listener and cool. During the criticism, I have found it helps if you nod and take notes. This makes people feel like you are serious about their input. It also GIVES YOU SOMETHING TO DO when you want to yell or kick their faces in or cry. Look at the notepad, write some shit, NOD. It will not look like you're holding back tears, but like you are one serious machine-like dude.
When in these meetings, I realize I am a performer. And my performance is to be of a smart, calm and collected professional. I act as if I am a partner in improving the "product" which is my work. I ask questions, like, if they say there is something wrong with a portion of the script, I'll ask, completely without defensiveness, "Was there a line in particular that stuck out for you?" If you look like you are not hurt and you nod and seem like you're listening, a LOT of the anger and nervous tension melts away on both sides.
If this is criticism about you as a person, I'm stumped. If you genuinley think there are problems with you as a human being, definitely look at this as an opportunity to make positive changes. But, why would people at work be telling you this stuff?
posted by joaniemcchicken at 11:36 AM on April 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
I get criticized a lot in my work as a writer. I have accepted the criticism badly many times, and finally have gotten the hang of listening to people as they dissect my work without reacting negatively. I feel angry and upset INSIDE, but OUTSIDE I look like a good listener and cool. During the criticism, I have found it helps if you nod and take notes. This makes people feel like you are serious about their input. It also GIVES YOU SOMETHING TO DO when you want to yell or kick their faces in or cry. Look at the notepad, write some shit, NOD. It will not look like you're holding back tears, but like you are one serious machine-like dude.
When in these meetings, I realize I am a performer. And my performance is to be of a smart, calm and collected professional. I act as if I am a partner in improving the "product" which is my work. I ask questions, like, if they say there is something wrong with a portion of the script, I'll ask, completely without defensiveness, "Was there a line in particular that stuck out for you?" If you look like you are not hurt and you nod and seem like you're listening, a LOT of the anger and nervous tension melts away on both sides.
If this is criticism about you as a person, I'm stumped. If you genuinley think there are problems with you as a human being, definitely look at this as an opportunity to make positive changes. But, why would people at work be telling you this stuff?
posted by joaniemcchicken at 11:36 AM on April 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
I'm not sure if this will help, but if the criticism starts to get personal, as you believe it will, can you try something like, "I feel like this is becoming a personal critique and not a professional criticism. I really want to address this and improve, can you give me some concrete examples of situations you believed I've mishandled, and feedback on how you feel I could have handled them better?"
If you're dealing with decent people, they should really try to make this constructive. If they're not, at least you may shut down their bitch session without looking like you don't care or can't take criticism.
Also, I've found that the response, "point taken," can be a polite way of saying, "OK, let's move on," when the critic is somewhat accurate and there's really nothing more to say about something.
Lastly, but probably most importantly, don't forget to breathe. Take some deep breaths before the meeting, and during.
You will get through this.
posted by altcountryman at 11:37 AM on April 27, 2007 [2 favorites]
If you're dealing with decent people, they should really try to make this constructive. If they're not, at least you may shut down their bitch session without looking like you don't care or can't take criticism.
Also, I've found that the response, "point taken," can be a polite way of saying, "OK, let's move on," when the critic is somewhat accurate and there's really nothing more to say about something.
Lastly, but probably most importantly, don't forget to breathe. Take some deep breaths before the meeting, and during.
You will get through this.
posted by altcountryman at 11:37 AM on April 27, 2007 [2 favorites]
When you hear something hurtful, play it back in your head but with Mickey Mouse's voice. Things can become rather comedic that way.
posted by PFL at 11:51 AM on April 27, 2007
posted by PFL at 11:51 AM on April 27, 2007
oh. well, i don't think this meeting will be the end of your career. i really don't. you sound really overwhelmed, and the meanness others perceive may actually just be irritability due to your feeling overwhelmed.
to get through the meeting, focus on the future. see what their issues are and come up with a plan for fixing them. it's possible that they're calling this meeting because they're worried about you, not mad at you.
you might also want to tell your supervisors that you're having some upheavals in your personal life. if they are so significant as to be affecting your teaching, they may be able to rearrange your schedule to accommodate the actions you need to take to get well, like cutting your course load while you see a therapist. unless they are unreasonably petty people, they don't have much interest in seeing you fail.
posted by thinkingwoman at 12:03 PM on April 27, 2007
to get through the meeting, focus on the future. see what their issues are and come up with a plan for fixing them. it's possible that they're calling this meeting because they're worried about you, not mad at you.
you might also want to tell your supervisors that you're having some upheavals in your personal life. if they are so significant as to be affecting your teaching, they may be able to rearrange your schedule to accommodate the actions you need to take to get well, like cutting your course load while you see a therapist. unless they are unreasonably petty people, they don't have much interest in seeing you fail.
posted by thinkingwoman at 12:03 PM on April 27, 2007
In another life, I got through fraternity pledging (which was ALL personal attacks) by trying very, very hard to remember all of the words to "I Love a Parade." When I almost immediately realized I know none of the words, I started making up my own. Somehow, this absorbed all of my attention, and I hardly noticed the other stuff."
Having said that, why not cry? Nothing makes most people call off the dogs like the person they are chewing out crying.
posted by 4ster at 12:27 PM on April 27, 2007
Having said that, why not cry? Nothing makes most people call off the dogs like the person they are chewing out crying.
posted by 4ster at 12:27 PM on April 27, 2007
I try to remind myself in these sorts of critical situations that the information I'm being given is something I need to know. Information is power. Ask questions of these people so that instead of being "spoken to " you are engaging them; in the situations where I have done this the scenario usually evolves into a problem-solving give and take. I can then explain my point of view in a non-defensive way, as well as giving the (true) impression that I am interested in improving my communication skills (or whatever). Or quitting the job, minimizing/expanding the position, whatever. Make it a conversation, not a dressing down in which you are merely the victim. I'm one of those people who tend to cry with frustration and anger, and it took me many years to figure out just changing my approach to nasty confrontations nearly eliminated that awful, embarrassing reaction, as well as making me able to really use the information I was receiving.
posted by oneirodynia at 12:27 PM on April 27, 2007
posted by oneirodynia at 12:27 PM on April 27, 2007
Try squeezing your chin -- rest your head on your hand like you're thinking, and if you feel the quivering-chin thing start to take hold, squeeze hard, one finger on either side of the muscles, pinching together. Not necessarily so much that it hurts, just enough to break the quiver-spasm. You can practice ahead of time to make it look more natural and less noticeable. I find it usually buys me at least a few minutes before I'm a bawling wreck -- time enough to get through being yelled at and hightail it somewhere private.
posted by katemonster at 12:32 PM on April 27, 2007
posted by katemonster at 12:32 PM on April 27, 2007
Only advice I have is to remember you are not your job. A judgment of your work is not a judgment of you.
posted by chairface at 12:32 PM on April 27, 2007
posted by chairface at 12:32 PM on April 27, 2007
If you're in grad school, they have an investment in you, to an extent. Do what oneirodynia suggests and be sure to interact with them in a way that conveys your inherent value to the program.
They might not want to do this any more than you do. Come across as someone who aims to get better, who has skills and who has value.
If you have ideas about what they'll try to slam you for, research solutions to the problem that suggest your method does have value, even if the students are all "OMG MEANIE!"
posted by cashman at 12:37 PM on April 27, 2007
They might not want to do this any more than you do. Come across as someone who aims to get better, who has skills and who has value.
If you have ideas about what they'll try to slam you for, research solutions to the problem that suggest your method does have value, even if the students are all "OMG MEANIE!"
posted by cashman at 12:37 PM on April 27, 2007
Your emotions:
Find a friend the night before and spend some time telling her everything that you think will go wrong, everything you're afraid of. Share all the "voices" which cause you to be afraid or sad. Start with something like "I am sure I'll start crying at the meeting tomorrow. X hates me and will tell everyone how mean I am when I know I've been trying and she's such a total b..tch! I'll lose my job tomorrow and I hate her!..." whatever comes out of you is fair game. If you actually voice them, you'll see that the "voices" of your fears will become irrational, surreal, illogical.
Now, while you are doing this, let yourself experience the emotions. Let yourself cry, scream, kick, whatever. This is crucial. There will be moments when you are "stuck" in a "loop" -- "I will lose my job and make a fool of myself" or "I will lose my job, become homeless and die of hepatitis" --- whatever surreal picture your fear paints, stay with it and experience the fear in your body.
Make sure you use sound.
Fear in the body often looks like shaking, teeth chattering and a "fear" sound -- imagine a 6 year old alone in her room with a thunderstorm outside.
Anger is screaming and the need to punch (and yes, punch -- a stack of pillows).
Sadness looks like crying, sobbing, lots of discharge, the body feels weak and you usiually have to lie down.
If you feel the feelings, they'll pass and you'll eventually come to a peaceful and solid state, often in the presence of joy.
Suppressed emotions will drive you insane. Experienced ones will lead you to personal insight and make you healthier, peaceful, and more compassionate.
Your tears are the result of you staying in a situation beyond what you can tolerate. The experience above will likely increase the range of what you can tolerate. It will also make it more likely that you identify abuse and stop it
In the meeting: It is very important to remember that the other people's opinions are just that, opinions. Anything beyond the facts is their personal interpretation and you don't have to subscribe to it, especially if it doesn't make you feel good about yourself.
Good criticism is empowering, not punishing. Good criticism leaves you looking forward to making things right, not dwelling on the pain of past mistakes.
Good speakers present their opinions as facts. Remember, facts are things that happened. You entering a room and moving the chairs around is a fact. Someone saying you did so it in order to make their life more difficult is an interpretation.
Also -- own the fact that you also have control over what transpires. This is not a trubunal and you have a say in what's comfortable for you: "Point taken." or "You already expressed your opinion and I already responded. Is there a reason we are still discussing this topic? Do you want to communicate anything else?"
"Excuse me, X, what is the reason for asking this question? Are you trying to prove that I have bad intentions even after I stated the opposite? I want to make our relationship work, but this sounds counterproductive and makes me sad and uncomfortable. What result are you after?"
Face the music, be honest with where you stand and you'll see how the room will be rooting for you.
You are a teacher. You survive the classroom. You will figure it out.
posted by andreinla at 12:53 PM on April 27, 2007 [2 favorites]
Find a friend the night before and spend some time telling her everything that you think will go wrong, everything you're afraid of. Share all the "voices" which cause you to be afraid or sad. Start with something like "I am sure I'll start crying at the meeting tomorrow. X hates me and will tell everyone how mean I am when I know I've been trying and she's such a total b..tch! I'll lose my job tomorrow and I hate her!..." whatever comes out of you is fair game. If you actually voice them, you'll see that the "voices" of your fears will become irrational, surreal, illogical.
Now, while you are doing this, let yourself experience the emotions. Let yourself cry, scream, kick, whatever. This is crucial. There will be moments when you are "stuck" in a "loop" -- "I will lose my job and make a fool of myself" or "I will lose my job, become homeless and die of hepatitis" --- whatever surreal picture your fear paints, stay with it and experience the fear in your body.
Make sure you use sound.
Fear in the body often looks like shaking, teeth chattering and a "fear" sound -- imagine a 6 year old alone in her room with a thunderstorm outside.
Anger is screaming and the need to punch (and yes, punch -- a stack of pillows).
Sadness looks like crying, sobbing, lots of discharge, the body feels weak and you usiually have to lie down.
If you feel the feelings, they'll pass and you'll eventually come to a peaceful and solid state, often in the presence of joy.
Suppressed emotions will drive you insane. Experienced ones will lead you to personal insight and make you healthier, peaceful, and more compassionate.
Your tears are the result of you staying in a situation beyond what you can tolerate. The experience above will likely increase the range of what you can tolerate. It will also make it more likely that you identify abuse and stop it
In the meeting: It is very important to remember that the other people's opinions are just that, opinions. Anything beyond the facts is their personal interpretation and you don't have to subscribe to it, especially if it doesn't make you feel good about yourself.
Good criticism is empowering, not punishing. Good criticism leaves you looking forward to making things right, not dwelling on the pain of past mistakes.
Good speakers present their opinions as facts. Remember, facts are things that happened. You entering a room and moving the chairs around is a fact. Someone saying you did so it in order to make their life more difficult is an interpretation.
Also -- own the fact that you also have control over what transpires. This is not a trubunal and you have a say in what's comfortable for you: "Point taken." or "You already expressed your opinion and I already responded. Is there a reason we are still discussing this topic? Do you want to communicate anything else?"
"Excuse me, X, what is the reason for asking this question? Are you trying to prove that I have bad intentions even after I stated the opposite? I want to make our relationship work, but this sounds counterproductive and makes me sad and uncomfortable. What result are you after?"
Face the music, be honest with where you stand and you'll see how the room will be rooting for you.
You are a teacher. You survive the classroom. You will figure it out.
posted by andreinla at 12:53 PM on April 27, 2007 [2 favorites]
Ah, now with more context!
Is this the first time you're being presented with this information? If it is, then it's really quite a broken process -- you are more than within your personal rights (and professional sanity) to request two things:
1) You do a mea culpa to smooth the waters and acknowledge that there are issues but rather than rehash them all at one go, get the group to agree to come up with an action plan to help you succeed. Spin the negative into a positive--change the tone! You need support as much as you need critiques.
2) Request that, from here on out, all feedback is delivered in a timely fashion. You cannot fix accusations or failures that are months or weeks in the past--what's done is done.
posted by gsh at 12:53 PM on April 27, 2007
Is this the first time you're being presented with this information? If it is, then it's really quite a broken process -- you are more than within your personal rights (and professional sanity) to request two things:
1) You do a mea culpa to smooth the waters and acknowledge that there are issues but rather than rehash them all at one go, get the group to agree to come up with an action plan to help you succeed. Spin the negative into a positive--change the tone! You need support as much as you need critiques.
2) Request that, from here on out, all feedback is delivered in a timely fashion. You cannot fix accusations or failures that are months or weeks in the past--what's done is done.
posted by gsh at 12:53 PM on April 27, 2007
Hypnosis?
If you believe in that sort of thing, of course.
posted by Thorzdad at 1:00 PM on April 27, 2007
If you believe in that sort of thing, of course.
posted by Thorzdad at 1:00 PM on April 27, 2007
Before the meeting, very cold cloth on the face. During the meeting, when you feel a coudburst approaching, pinch the bridge of your nose, or your other hand. Deep calming breaths, and consciously relaxing shoulder and other muscles helps.
Keep reciting a mantra of "I deserve dignity and respect" or "I'll learn from this" or whatever may help you stay centered.
You might cry. Take a hankie 'cause asking for a tissue is teh suck. If you cry, try not to make it an issue. Just say "This is very distressing." Do not apologize for crying. Crying sucks. It takes away your voice. Getting righteouly pissed can sometmes help you not cry. Over time, you can learn to reduce the crying response. Good luck.
posted by theora55 at 1:05 PM on April 27, 2007 [2 favorites]
Keep reciting a mantra of "I deserve dignity and respect" or "I'll learn from this" or whatever may help you stay centered.
You might cry. Take a hankie 'cause asking for a tissue is teh suck. If you cry, try not to make it an issue. Just say "This is very distressing." Do not apologize for crying. Crying sucks. It takes away your voice. Getting righteouly pissed can sometmes help you not cry. Over time, you can learn to reduce the crying response. Good luck.
posted by theora55 at 1:05 PM on April 27, 2007 [2 favorites]
Getting high or drunk sounds like a terrible idea to me. Get some anti-anxiety medication - Xanax or Ativan or something that numbs you out.
posted by RandlePatrickMcMurphy at 1:08 PM on April 27, 2007
posted by RandlePatrickMcMurphy at 1:08 PM on April 27, 2007
Say "Truth is beautiful" in your head over and over.
Inspiration here.
Best of luck.
posted by UncleHornHead at 1:12 PM on April 27, 2007
Inspiration here.
Best of luck.
posted by UncleHornHead at 1:12 PM on April 27, 2007
I have to agree that the best way to deal with criticism is to dissect it for content - focus on finding any useful scrap of content that is purely work-skill related. Telling you you're "mean" might suggest you need to work on your communication skills or your approachability, so such a statement needs to be countered with exploratory questions to see if that's the correct way to interpret the underlying, professional importance of what is being said. I find intellectualising to be very good at deflecting the emotional payload in such statements.
Technology is a great solution too. Ask if you can record the meeting. People usually want their recorded personality to appear calm and professional (and litigation-proof), so a running recorder in the room tends to keep things more performance-related and less personality-related.
But there is another question - does the person you are meeting with want you to cry? Is this a genuine attempt to confront job issues that have arisen, or is this one of those, "I need to chew someone out, get the junior staff in here." meetings? If they're the sort that needs to see that they've upset you before they feel they've achieved success, you have a couple of options.
1. As above, remain so emotionally detached and intellectually engaged that they simply can't get a rise out of you. They will go ballistic at your non-compliance with their domination fantasies, but you can take every decibel of volume and profane personal attack as a point - see if you can get 100 points. Eventually they'll do or say something actionable, and you can put that in your stockpile of skeletons and dirt you have on them, to be redeemed at a future date.
2. Figure out when they traditionally flip from angry to magnanimous (10 minutes of insults, 15? How much berating is "enough"?) People like this always extend the olive branch when they see tears, after they feel they've torn a big enough strip off you. Wait until the correct moment and cry on cue. They've played thier role, you've run the gauntlet and the status quo is maintained. This sucks, but it sometimes works.
Confrontation is warfare, and the objective in war is to win or fight to a draw and force negotiation. Figure out what you need to do to get to the negotiation phase and get there any way you can. If that involves tears, you've still met your objective.
posted by Crosius at 1:13 PM on April 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
Technology is a great solution too. Ask if you can record the meeting. People usually want their recorded personality to appear calm and professional (and litigation-proof), so a running recorder in the room tends to keep things more performance-related and less personality-related.
But there is another question - does the person you are meeting with want you to cry? Is this a genuine attempt to confront job issues that have arisen, or is this one of those, "I need to chew someone out, get the junior staff in here." meetings? If they're the sort that needs to see that they've upset you before they feel they've achieved success, you have a couple of options.
1. As above, remain so emotionally detached and intellectually engaged that they simply can't get a rise out of you. They will go ballistic at your non-compliance with their domination fantasies, but you can take every decibel of volume and profane personal attack as a point - see if you can get 100 points. Eventually they'll do or say something actionable, and you can put that in your stockpile of skeletons and dirt you have on them, to be redeemed at a future date.
2. Figure out when they traditionally flip from angry to magnanimous (10 minutes of insults, 15? How much berating is "enough"?) People like this always extend the olive branch when they see tears, after they feel they've torn a big enough strip off you. Wait until the correct moment and cry on cue. They've played thier role, you've run the gauntlet and the status quo is maintained. This sucks, but it sometimes works.
Confrontation is warfare, and the objective in war is to win or fight to a draw and force negotiation. Figure out what you need to do to get to the negotiation phase and get there any way you can. If that involves tears, you've still met your objective.
posted by Crosius at 1:13 PM on April 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
Yes to the "step back and analyze it" suggestions. If you can make it about some other person and really dissociate yourself (temporarily!) you can delay or prevent an emotional reaction.
If you can't/don't want to do this, I suggest the distract yourself technique. I've heard stories of a thumbtack in your shoe that you can use to pain-shock your brain off of a topic.
posted by Skorgu at 1:22 PM on April 27, 2007
If you can't/don't want to do this, I suggest the distract yourself technique. I've heard stories of a thumbtack in your shoe that you can use to pain-shock your brain off of a topic.
posted by Skorgu at 1:22 PM on April 27, 2007
Here's another distraction suggestion:
In my sophomore year of high school, I found that having to meet someone's critical stare could cause me to well up in tears if they were really pushing hard in an argument, or trying to push my buttons with deliberately insulting remarks. I figured out that if I looked at the bridge of their nose, it defused most of my anxiety about meeting their gaze, but they wouldn't be able tell that I wasn't making eye contact. It worked -- I could stare down anyone and stay fairly calm, and even made some witty ripostes occasionally.
posted by Araucaria at 1:35 PM on April 27, 2007
In my sophomore year of high school, I found that having to meet someone's critical stare could cause me to well up in tears if they were really pushing hard in an argument, or trying to push my buttons with deliberately insulting remarks. I figured out that if I looked at the bridge of their nose, it defused most of my anxiety about meeting their gaze, but they wouldn't be able tell that I wasn't making eye contact. It worked -- I could stare down anyone and stay fairly calm, and even made some witty ripostes occasionally.
posted by Araucaria at 1:35 PM on April 27, 2007
To control his temper, Tony Blair's ex-spin doctor, Alastair Campbell, carried a pin to stab himself with during a nasty testimony to the Foreign Affairs Committee. As a result the briefing notes were "speckled with his blood by the end". (scroll down)
Might be more effective than pinching alone?
posted by TrashyRambo at 1:36 PM on April 27, 2007
Might be more effective than pinching alone?
posted by TrashyRambo at 1:36 PM on April 27, 2007
Something to concentrate on is your pulse -- keeping it down. Pulse and breathing are related, but your pulse can be up even though your breathing is slow. If you have never worked on keeping your pulse down before, this maybe will be hard and I don't really have any advice on how to do it (I just do it). But even thinking about this might provide distraction. Even trying to find your pulse in your wrist might be enough...
When I cry it isn't an all-face thing, just a tear welling up in my eye. SO, I've thought, why not bring some eyedrops with me to rough meetings? If I feel like crying, I could put the eyedrops in. Might be a little random, but no more random than applying chapstick. If I cry after that, it will just be attributed to the eyedrops. Too bad I never know which meetings will be rough. Ph.D. advisors are awesome, aren't they?
posted by Eringatang at 1:48 PM on April 27, 2007
When I cry it isn't an all-face thing, just a tear welling up in my eye. SO, I've thought, why not bring some eyedrops with me to rough meetings? If I feel like crying, I could put the eyedrops in. Might be a little random, but no more random than applying chapstick. If I cry after that, it will just be attributed to the eyedrops. Too bad I never know which meetings will be rough. Ph.D. advisors are awesome, aren't they?
posted by Eringatang at 1:48 PM on April 27, 2007
Meditate. Here is the mantra:
You are not your job. A judgment of your work is not a judgment of you.
Besides, how can anyone make a judgment on your work without your side of the story? They can't. That's what this meeting is for. Anyone with an ounce of professionalism is going to reserve judgment no matter what he heard. Ergo, anyone who has prejudged you lacks even that ounce of professionalism. Others will see that. Pity that person.
So your job is, first, to understand exactly what the problems are. Ask questions. Try to understand. Don't interrupt or react. (If someone is saying you were butchering babies and drinking their blood (and you were not) -- be happy; that's a softball. Someone thinks you did something you didn't do, you set them straight, the end.) Then you respond with what you are trying to do, your general approach to the job. What parts of it you think are working well, what you have difficulty with. Don't let anybody put you on the defensive -- tell your story. Then, address the areas you identified as difficult, with the problems others have raised in context of that. Tell them what you think you'll do differently. If you don't know what to do, say you don't know -- you're a student-teacher. They are teaching you to teach. It's their job to help you learn.
And that's what this is. Them helping you teach better. Not is Jonah a good person? Not even, is Jonah a good teacher? But -- OK, Jonah, here's the evaluation of your (16-week-long) in-class presentation on teaching methods. Only in this case, you can look at it like this: Jonah, Lisa and I are grading your teaching methods presentation, and we're not sure what you're trying to do in some parts. Could you come in and explain it to us? Reading between the lines, right now it's a C-, but they will let you make changes and resubmit it for credit. Bonus!
posted by Methylviolet at 2:04 PM on April 27, 2007
You are not your job. A judgment of your work is not a judgment of you.
Besides, how can anyone make a judgment on your work without your side of the story? They can't. That's what this meeting is for. Anyone with an ounce of professionalism is going to reserve judgment no matter what he heard. Ergo, anyone who has prejudged you lacks even that ounce of professionalism. Others will see that. Pity that person.
So your job is, first, to understand exactly what the problems are. Ask questions. Try to understand. Don't interrupt or react. (If someone is saying you were butchering babies and drinking their blood (and you were not) -- be happy; that's a softball. Someone thinks you did something you didn't do, you set them straight, the end.) Then you respond with what you are trying to do, your general approach to the job. What parts of it you think are working well, what you have difficulty with. Don't let anybody put you on the defensive -- tell your story. Then, address the areas you identified as difficult, with the problems others have raised in context of that. Tell them what you think you'll do differently. If you don't know what to do, say you don't know -- you're a student-teacher. They are teaching you to teach. It's their job to help you learn.
And that's what this is. Them helping you teach better. Not is Jonah a good person? Not even, is Jonah a good teacher? But -- OK, Jonah, here's the evaluation of your (16-week-long) in-class presentation on teaching methods. Only in this case, you can look at it like this: Jonah, Lisa and I are grading your teaching methods presentation, and we're not sure what you're trying to do in some parts. Could you come in and explain it to us? Reading between the lines, right now it's a C-, but they will let you make changes and resubmit it for credit. Bonus!
posted by Methylviolet at 2:04 PM on April 27, 2007
Where something ridiculous under your clothes. That way, when the going gets tough just think about that instead.
posted by purephase at 2:09 PM on April 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by purephase at 2:09 PM on April 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
My sympathies; as an inappropriate crier I know how much it sucks. The last couple times I was in this type of situation I managed to avoid (or not avoid, in one case) crying by obsessively overanalyzing what could possibly happen. It seems like you have a pretty good idea of what they're going to say to you. Confront that criticism now, before the meeting, and get used to it before then. Do you think you were mean? If so, think about every single example they could possibly pull out to demonstrate it. Decide how you're going to change & avoid being mean in the future. If not, be able to justify why you don't think you were mean. Be prepared to explain your actions if you think you need to. I generally cry when I'm caught unprepared in these types of situations -- if you're the same, then having an answer ready (either "here's why I did it" or "I recognize that and here's how I'm going to change it...") can go a long way in maintaining your composure. You'll probably have to carve some time out of your schedule now to prepare, but it'll save you lots of embarrassment and future sleepless nights worrying about it.
I third oneirodynia's suggestions, too. If you give yourself some control over the situation rather than passively letting them tear you down you'll feel a lot better. Ask for clarification, advice, tell them what you're going to do in the future, etc. You'll also seem like you're genuinely listening to them, which goes a long way in reducing potential hostility.
Good luck!
posted by lilac girl at 2:32 PM on April 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
I third oneirodynia's suggestions, too. If you give yourself some control over the situation rather than passively letting them tear you down you'll feel a lot better. Ask for clarification, advice, tell them what you're going to do in the future, etc. You'll also seem like you're genuinely listening to them, which goes a long way in reducing potential hostility.
Good luck!
posted by lilac girl at 2:32 PM on April 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
Do math problems in your head. I'm a really sensitive person who has a tendency to cry when being criticized or verbally abused and, honest to God, it totally works. Timetables, addition, subtraction...just make sure that it's complicated enough that you have to focus on calculating the right answer. It's the best piece of advice I've ever been given in regard to the problem.
posted by echolalia67 at 2:33 PM on April 27, 2007
posted by echolalia67 at 2:33 PM on April 27, 2007
Get a good night's rest. Avoid sugar for 24 hours. Have some sex the night before. Wear warm clothing. All these things will relax you and put you in a calm, unfrustrated, rational state going into that day.
posted by iamkimiam at 3:35 PM on April 27, 2007
posted by iamkimiam at 3:35 PM on April 27, 2007
i've heard that if you're being tortured it's a good idea to try to feel revulsion or pity for your tormentors because then it's harder to be mentally dominated by them. perhaps some version of that advice might help in this situation...basically, although these people do have some situational power over you, it might help to keep in mind that they don't have absolute power over you (ie they are not omniscient judges of whether you are actually "mean" or not, and your perspective on the issues discussed is at least as valid as theirs)
posted by lgyre at 5:09 PM on April 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by lgyre at 5:09 PM on April 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
I have this technique I use with my mother that seems to work for me. She says a lot of negative things and as soon as she makes a statement, I immediately make myself think "This is not going to happen to me," or "That is her reality, not mine" or "That is her opinion, not mine." I make myself think that every single time she says something negative. It seems to stop me from defending myself (defending yourself gives the other person power), and it seems to keep me from losing my temper.
posted by gt2 at 6:39 PM on April 27, 2007 [2 favorites]
posted by gt2 at 6:39 PM on April 27, 2007 [2 favorites]
1. Seconding echolalia67's suggestion to do math problems in your head. One of my best friends always pulls this out of his bag of tricks if I start crying. He says, "Okay, I want you to do something for me. I want you to tell me what 4 + 4 is", and he'll engage me in this until I stop crying, which is generally 2 to 3 simple additions.
2. Also, a body trick — tickle the roof of your mouth with your tongue. It seriously works!
posted by mjao at 7:28 PM on April 27, 2007
2. Also, a body trick — tickle the roof of your mouth with your tongue. It seriously works!
posted by mjao at 7:28 PM on April 27, 2007
Yes, looking up works.
I used to have this problem - very easily emotional. I could cry on cue just by thinking of certain somethings.
It was really embarassing being 21 and breaking down in front of the senior vice president of research when he was visiting and I was hating being just a "stupid associate."
I have no (solid) idea why I broke through the crying thing. I still have a little anxiety thing - wanting to throw up (but at least I don't cry even if I still feel like I want to).
Gravol.
I cut a tab of gravol in half when I'm expecting to be in such a situation and it solves the stomache thing and the "I feel like crying" (even though I probably won't) feelings.
Lacrimae is no bad thing, but I guess in a business setting it's not a desireable thing. Sometimes - sadness can be translated into anger. I duuno if I'm being PC but I respect tears of (justified) anger much much much more than tears of surrender.
posted by porpoise at 8:52 PM on April 27, 2007
I used to have this problem - very easily emotional. I could cry on cue just by thinking of certain somethings.
It was really embarassing being 21 and breaking down in front of the senior vice president of research when he was visiting and I was hating being just a "stupid associate."
I have no (solid) idea why I broke through the crying thing. I still have a little anxiety thing - wanting to throw up (but at least I don't cry even if I still feel like I want to).
Gravol.
I cut a tab of gravol in half when I'm expecting to be in such a situation and it solves the stomache thing and the "I feel like crying" (even though I probably won't) feelings.
Lacrimae is no bad thing, but I guess in a business setting it's not a desireable thing. Sometimes - sadness can be translated into anger. I duuno if I'm being PC but I respect tears of (justified) anger much much much more than tears of surrender.
posted by porpoise at 8:52 PM on April 27, 2007
If you do decide to go with some sort of medication, be sure to try it at least once by yourself (or with friends, whatever). You do not want to go into this with some tenuous grasp on your own sense of disinhibition.
That said, when I was taking phentermine for weight loss, I was pretty much incapable of feeling any emotion at all besides irritation.
posted by oats at 8:56 PM on April 27, 2007
That said, when I was taking phentermine for weight loss, I was pretty much incapable of feeling any emotion at all besides irritation.
posted by oats at 8:56 PM on April 27, 2007
When I was in a similar situation recently, what helped was to go through a little ritual right before the meeting to put myself in a calm space. I sat and just breathed for a little while, listened to some music, and re-read a supportive email someone had sent me about what was going on, and then in the meeting, even though I fully expected to burst into tears, I was able to stay in that calm space and not get too caught up in what the other person was saying about me.
If you can, I'd recommend talking to a friend just before you have to go to the meeting, to give you some reassurance to hold onto and mentally repeat to yourself during the meeting--e.g. "Well, I know I'm not really a mean person, since ___ told me so." And since it sounds like you have a good idea of what kinds of things will be said to/about you, try to plan in advance how you'll respond, so it won't be as overwhelming on the spot during the meeting.
If tears do start to well up, I've also found that looking up can help, but I'm self-conscious that it's obvious what I'm doing. Pinching my thumbs also sometimes helps, I think for a similar reason as the calming ritual, that it puts focus on something other than the difficulty of the situation.
I hope the meeting goes well for you...
posted by not me at 10:10 PM on April 27, 2007
If you can, I'd recommend talking to a friend just before you have to go to the meeting, to give you some reassurance to hold onto and mentally repeat to yourself during the meeting--e.g. "Well, I know I'm not really a mean person, since ___ told me so." And since it sounds like you have a good idea of what kinds of things will be said to/about you, try to plan in advance how you'll respond, so it won't be as overwhelming on the spot during the meeting.
If tears do start to well up, I've also found that looking up can help, but I'm self-conscious that it's obvious what I'm doing. Pinching my thumbs also sometimes helps, I think for a similar reason as the calming ritual, that it puts focus on something other than the difficulty of the situation.
I hope the meeting goes well for you...
posted by not me at 10:10 PM on April 27, 2007
Rescue Remedy. I've never used it but others swear by it.
posted by alby at 2:21 AM on April 28, 2007
posted by alby at 2:21 AM on April 28, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by rolypolyman at 10:05 AM on April 27, 2007