Handling a delicate situation
April 22, 2007 1:02 PM Subscribe
Next Day filter: Went out with a friend last night, turned into a sort of date. Do I call today, and what should I say? Of course, the situation is more complicated...
OK. I've been with a woman for about 7 years, married for about 4. A few months ago, my wife and I decided that we would be better off apart. However, because of financial constraints and hectic schedules, we decided that she would wait until after we got our tax return and the semester was over (we are both students). We just got our tax return, split up the money, and she's starting to move her stuff into her new place bit by bit, but she won't be officially moved out for 2 more weeks. I've been sleeping on the guest bed for the last few months.
Now: I'm a graduate student, and my colleagues all know me as married. When my wife and I decided to split up, I didn't tell any of my friends, for a few reasons. I'm very private, and none of my friends really even know my wife apart from meeting her once or twice, and honestly, most of my friends are people I hang out with every now and again for drinks; I don't have anyone who I'm really close to emotionally. I also didn't want to be the victim of pity ("Oh, I'm so sorry, are you OK? Do you need a shoulder to cry on?"). Not my bag, just not that type of person. I neither need nor want that kind emotional coddling. Plus the split is pretty amicable; my wife and I had been drifting apart for a while, and just no longer feel the emotional/romantic/sexual attachment to each other, but we will no doubt remain friends. I'm sure once we're apart there will be some sadness, but overall I'm not broken up about the split at all. Plus, I thought it would be weird to tell people, "Yeah, I'm getting divorced, but we're going to live together for the next 4 months because we don't have the time or money to move just yet."
So, last night, I was hanging out with a female friend of mine. I'd be lying if I didn't say there hadn't been some flirtation between recently, but this was intended as a have a few beers and chat kind of thing. At the end of the night, as I was walking her to her car, there was a moment, and some minor making out. Just one of those things that happens, and nothing hot and heavy. She pulled away, and said, "Wait... you are...?" "Married" being the unspoken question. I said, "Getting divorced, we split up a few months ago." I didn't give any of the other details.
Now, a few things before my set of questions. I know that people are going to say, "The fact that you continue to live with your (ex-)wife tells me that you aren't sure if you want to end that relationship." While certainly there's a sense of comfort that has developed after living together for many years, there is no doubt that our marriage is over. The reasons for staying together were definitely practical rather than personal, and she's already got a new place. We just filed the papers for divorce, so it's going to happen. And, I like this other woman. But, I'm newly single (for all intents and purposes), I don't know if I want a "girlfriend" just yet. I'm not looking to go out and screw anything with a pulse either, but I'm looking to meet people, have fun, see what happens with my life.
Finally, the questions:
Should I call this woman today? What do I say?
I didn't tell this woman that my wife and I have been living together or that she's getting ready to move out. Was that wrong? Should I tell her, or since it's only 2 more weeks until I live alone anyway, do I just let it go?
How do I express to her that I'm not looking for a relationship without coming off like a jerk? I want to remain friends with her, and possibly even keep open the possibility of a relationship in the future, depending on how both our lives play out, but I'm not ready for a committment. Yet, I don't want to look like I'm just out to score some booty calls. Do I say anything about it at all and just let things happen as they may? I also don't want to look like a sleaze if I ask someone else out on a date. What's the best move here?
OK. I've been with a woman for about 7 years, married for about 4. A few months ago, my wife and I decided that we would be better off apart. However, because of financial constraints and hectic schedules, we decided that she would wait until after we got our tax return and the semester was over (we are both students). We just got our tax return, split up the money, and she's starting to move her stuff into her new place bit by bit, but she won't be officially moved out for 2 more weeks. I've been sleeping on the guest bed for the last few months.
Now: I'm a graduate student, and my colleagues all know me as married. When my wife and I decided to split up, I didn't tell any of my friends, for a few reasons. I'm very private, and none of my friends really even know my wife apart from meeting her once or twice, and honestly, most of my friends are people I hang out with every now and again for drinks; I don't have anyone who I'm really close to emotionally. I also didn't want to be the victim of pity ("Oh, I'm so sorry, are you OK? Do you need a shoulder to cry on?"). Not my bag, just not that type of person. I neither need nor want that kind emotional coddling. Plus the split is pretty amicable; my wife and I had been drifting apart for a while, and just no longer feel the emotional/romantic/sexual attachment to each other, but we will no doubt remain friends. I'm sure once we're apart there will be some sadness, but overall I'm not broken up about the split at all. Plus, I thought it would be weird to tell people, "Yeah, I'm getting divorced, but we're going to live together for the next 4 months because we don't have the time or money to move just yet."
So, last night, I was hanging out with a female friend of mine. I'd be lying if I didn't say there hadn't been some flirtation between recently, but this was intended as a have a few beers and chat kind of thing. At the end of the night, as I was walking her to her car, there was a moment, and some minor making out. Just one of those things that happens, and nothing hot and heavy. She pulled away, and said, "Wait... you are...?" "Married" being the unspoken question. I said, "Getting divorced, we split up a few months ago." I didn't give any of the other details.
Now, a few things before my set of questions. I know that people are going to say, "The fact that you continue to live with your (ex-)wife tells me that you aren't sure if you want to end that relationship." While certainly there's a sense of comfort that has developed after living together for many years, there is no doubt that our marriage is over. The reasons for staying together were definitely practical rather than personal, and she's already got a new place. We just filed the papers for divorce, so it's going to happen. And, I like this other woman. But, I'm newly single (for all intents and purposes), I don't know if I want a "girlfriend" just yet. I'm not looking to go out and screw anything with a pulse either, but I'm looking to meet people, have fun, see what happens with my life.
Finally, the questions:
Should I call this woman today? What do I say?
I didn't tell this woman that my wife and I have been living together or that she's getting ready to move out. Was that wrong? Should I tell her, or since it's only 2 more weeks until I live alone anyway, do I just let it go?
How do I express to her that I'm not looking for a relationship without coming off like a jerk? I want to remain friends with her, and possibly even keep open the possibility of a relationship in the future, depending on how both our lives play out, but I'm not ready for a committment. Yet, I don't want to look like I'm just out to score some booty calls. Do I say anything about it at all and just let things happen as they may? I also don't want to look like a sleaze if I ask someone else out on a date. What's the best move here?
I'm a little concerned that you haven't told anyone you know you're getting divorced. If you're going to date someone in your circle, and she mentions it to people, everyone is going to say, "You're dating papakwanz?? But he's married!!!" Even if she can convince them that, no, you really are, it makes you look at best a little strange and at worst a cad and a liar. And nobody wants to date that guy. Even if you don't want to tell people for all the excuses listed above, you might want to get the word out for the benefit of your social reputation.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:30 PM on April 22, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:30 PM on April 22, 2007 [1 favorite]
"The fact that you continue to live with your (ex-)wife tells me that you aren't sure if you want to end that relationship." While certainly there's a sense of comfort that has developed after living together for many years, there is no doubt that our marriage is over.
This is perfectly feasible, and don't let the roving gangs of people who have to see things in a black-and-white way tell you otherwise. When my ex-husband and I split, logistics required that we continue to live together for about 6 months after we decided we were ending things. For various reasons, I confided in a few friends/family members several months before he did. In any case, our marriage was over, we didn't share the same bedroom, and we reverted to a sort of tense-but-making-the-best-of-it roommate situation till I was able to leave Chicago and move to L.A. (And yes, while no divorce is exactly pleasant, he and I did try to make it as amicable as we could, and we're both very happy to have remained good friends; coincidentally enought, I'm burning him some CDs as I type this.)
As for your questions:
I'd call today, but it might be better to chat in person, over coffee or something. I think you can say the gist of what you've said here, honestly and respectfully: due to logistical demands, your future-ex-wife is moving out in two weeks; you like her (i.e., the woman friend from last night) as a friend and colleague, and don't want to mess that up, regardless of what happens; you would like to keep the possibility open of things changing in the future, but right now it would be healthier not to jump into a whole new relationship as your marriage is ending.
All of which is the truth. Any friend and colleague you respect deserves that; a friend and colleague you might actually want to date (now or in the future), doubly so.
posted by scody at 1:32 PM on April 22, 2007
This is perfectly feasible, and don't let the roving gangs of people who have to see things in a black-and-white way tell you otherwise. When my ex-husband and I split, logistics required that we continue to live together for about 6 months after we decided we were ending things. For various reasons, I confided in a few friends/family members several months before he did. In any case, our marriage was over, we didn't share the same bedroom, and we reverted to a sort of tense-but-making-the-best-of-it roommate situation till I was able to leave Chicago and move to L.A. (And yes, while no divorce is exactly pleasant, he and I did try to make it as amicable as we could, and we're both very happy to have remained good friends; coincidentally enought, I'm burning him some CDs as I type this.)
As for your questions:
I'd call today, but it might be better to chat in person, over coffee or something. I think you can say the gist of what you've said here, honestly and respectfully: due to logistical demands, your future-ex-wife is moving out in two weeks; you like her (i.e., the woman friend from last night) as a friend and colleague, and don't want to mess that up, regardless of what happens; you would like to keep the possibility open of things changing in the future, but right now it would be healthier not to jump into a whole new relationship as your marriage is ending.
All of which is the truth. Any friend and colleague you respect deserves that; a friend and colleague you might actually want to date (now or in the future), doubly so.
posted by scody at 1:32 PM on April 22, 2007
Cart before the horse, my friend. You kissed a girl after a casual night of drinks. Nobody (including her) said anything about a long-term relationship.
If you want to see her again, you need to call her, but don't pour out your life story and marriage details. "We split, she's leaving, we're just sorting out paperwork" should suffice. Unless you really do plan on pursuing a serious relationship with this girl, in which case she'll be asking the questions.
FWIW, uncomfortable living situations like this happen in NYC all the time. It's just a financial reality. I've known unmarried people who couldn't stand to look at their ex, but had to live together for several months because they just couldn't afford to up and move.
posted by Gamblor at 1:35 PM on April 22, 2007 [1 favorite]
If you want to see her again, you need to call her, but don't pour out your life story and marriage details. "We split, she's leaving, we're just sorting out paperwork" should suffice. Unless you really do plan on pursuing a serious relationship with this girl, in which case she'll be asking the questions.
FWIW, uncomfortable living situations like this happen in NYC all the time. It's just a financial reality. I've known unmarried people who couldn't stand to look at their ex, but had to live together for several months because they just couldn't afford to up and move.
posted by Gamblor at 1:35 PM on April 22, 2007 [1 favorite]
And nobody wants to date that guy.
A seemingly married guy who turns out to be single is much better than a seemingly single guy who turns out to be secretly married. :)
posted by Gamblor at 1:41 PM on April 22, 2007 [2 favorites]
A seemingly married guy who turns out to be single is much better than a seemingly single guy who turns out to be secretly married. :)
posted by Gamblor at 1:41 PM on April 22, 2007 [2 favorites]
And a guy who doesn't seem to be hiding something about his life trumps them all (if he's not being truthful about this, what else is he lying about? and so on), so I stand by what I said before.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:43 PM on April 22, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:43 PM on April 22, 2007 [1 favorite]
Fair enough. Papakwanz, if you've got any freaky kinks, weird pets, or a prison history, you might want to just lay it all out on the table.
"My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents."
posted by Gamblor at 1:57 PM on April 22, 2007 [1 favorite]
"My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents."
posted by Gamblor at 1:57 PM on April 22, 2007 [1 favorite]
How do I express to her that I'm not looking for a relationship without coming off like a jerk? I want to remain friends with her, and possibly even keep open the possibility of a relationship in the future, depending on how both our lives play out, but I'm not ready for a committment.
You just say exactly that. It's not sleazy to say so immediately- much worse if you say it in the morning after she's spent the night.
posted by oneirodynia at 2:28 PM on April 22, 2007
You just say exactly that. It's not sleazy to say so immediately- much worse if you say it in the morning after she's spent the night.
posted by oneirodynia at 2:28 PM on April 22, 2007
Call her up, sure, because it sounds like you want to see her again. Trust her to take care of her own needs at this point; make sure you take care of your own.
posted by ikkyu2 at 3:22 PM on April 22, 2007
posted by ikkyu2 at 3:22 PM on April 22, 2007
I agree with The Pink Superhero --- not spreading the word that you and your wife are splitting up could result in some social awkwardness and embarrassment.
Since you're a student, you probably use e-mail a lot. Have you thought of sending an e-mail to your social circle, saying something to the effect of:
"Hey [insert friend's name] --- I just wanted to let everyone know that [wife's name] and I are splitting up. I'm not looking for gestures of sympathy, but I thought it would be best for my friends to know about it. For the time being, I will still be living in the house with her while the divorce is being finalized. I'll let you know when I get a new address," etc.
posted by jayder at 3:57 PM on April 22, 2007
Since you're a student, you probably use e-mail a lot. Have you thought of sending an e-mail to your social circle, saying something to the effect of:
"Hey [insert friend's name] --- I just wanted to let everyone know that [wife's name] and I are splitting up. I'm not looking for gestures of sympathy, but I thought it would be best for my friends to know about it. For the time being, I will still be living in the house with her while the divorce is being finalized. I'll let you know when I get a new address," etc.
posted by jayder at 3:57 PM on April 22, 2007
Yuck! I don't agree that an e-mail or informing casual workplace acquaintances is the way to go here, especially if you're a private person in the first place. No one wants to know if their workplace friends are sleeping on the couch, etc.
A quiet word to a work friend would be fine.
As to the woman in question, I think you've said here what you need to say - that you're not sure you want to get into a dating situation immediately. A lot has been happening for you in the last few months. It probably feels great to have some warmth and attraction in your life again. But being good to yourself might mean a few weeks of getting to know your own life by yourself in your own place before bringing a new relationship in while your old one dissolves. It sounds like you really know this and are sure you feel this way.
So the answer to:
How do I express to her that I'm not looking for a relationship without coming off like a jerk?
Might be to say: "I want to remain friends with you, and possibly even keep open the possibility of a relationship in the future, depending on how both our lives play out, but I'm not ready for a committment. . I need to spend some time independently for a while. I respect you and I feel like it's important to be honest with you about that, as much as I like you.
I've been on the receiving end of almost this same speech, and it comes across not as a booty-call invitation, but as an honest, respectful, caring, and difficult act that will only keep her opinion of you high.
posted by Miko at 4:33 PM on April 22, 2007 [1 favorite]
A quiet word to a work friend would be fine.
As to the woman in question, I think you've said here what you need to say - that you're not sure you want to get into a dating situation immediately. A lot has been happening for you in the last few months. It probably feels great to have some warmth and attraction in your life again. But being good to yourself might mean a few weeks of getting to know your own life by yourself in your own place before bringing a new relationship in while your old one dissolves. It sounds like you really know this and are sure you feel this way.
So the answer to:
How do I express to her that I'm not looking for a relationship without coming off like a jerk?
Might be to say: "I want to remain friends with you, and possibly even keep open the possibility of a relationship in the future, depending on how both our lives play out, but I'm not ready for a committment. . I need to spend some time independently for a while. I respect you and I feel like it's important to be honest with you about that, as much as I like you.
I've been on the receiving end of almost this same speech, and it comes across not as a booty-call invitation, but as an honest, respectful, caring, and difficult act that will only keep her opinion of you high.
posted by Miko at 4:33 PM on April 22, 2007 [1 favorite]
And, I like this other woman. But, I'm newly single (for all intents and purposes), I don't know if I want a "girlfriend" just yet. I'm not looking to go out and screw anything with a pulse either, but I'm looking to meet people, have fun, see what happens with my life.
I think that sounds quite reasonable. If you're coming out from a 7 year relationship / 4 year marriage, it would make sense for you to want to take things a bit slowly, especially considering your current domestic situation. I would hope that this potential new woman would also understand this - I think it's quite hard to replace somebody with whom you've spent some significant times with somebody who is, right now, probably a relative stranger.
Just take it easy, go with the flow, don't overload yourself with questions & expectations, and be honest about your situation. I think you've already supplied the perfect words in your question.
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:28 PM on April 22, 2007
I think that sounds quite reasonable. If you're coming out from a 7 year relationship / 4 year marriage, it would make sense for you to want to take things a bit slowly, especially considering your current domestic situation. I would hope that this potential new woman would also understand this - I think it's quite hard to replace somebody with whom you've spent some significant times with somebody who is, right now, probably a relative stranger.
Just take it easy, go with the flow, don't overload yourself with questions & expectations, and be honest about your situation. I think you've already supplied the perfect words in your question.
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:28 PM on April 22, 2007
Here's one of my big questions: is she a member of your grad school class? If she is, I think you should definitely call her because she's probably going to be talking to other people from school about what happened (esp. if she had been working on building the flirting foundation in weeks past...) and there are reputation issues to consider there. However, if she's unrelated to you "professionally" I'd probably only call her if you want to bring her into your world more either as a friend or something else. That you hung out and hooked up will always be there as a connection so if you don't call her, you can casually let it be known that you're not ready to get closer to her yet. Which, given your situation, most people would recognize as a reasonable call. Alternatively, if you want to date others, including her, you may want to wait to call her until later in the week. But when you do, I would spell out exactly what's going on in your life and what you're looking for. Good luck!
posted by smallstatic at 11:15 AM on April 24, 2007
posted by smallstatic at 11:15 AM on April 24, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
If you do, go ahead and ask her. She'll probably ask you about whatever she wants to know about, and all you have to do is be honest. You should be up front about your intentions, though -- if you're not ready for a committed relationship, tell her that.
If you don't want to get any more involved with her at all, but you do see yourself dating other people in the near-ish future, then what you say to her depends a lot on how important her friendship is to you. If it's important, call her sooner rather than later, and go get some lunch or something together, and tell her the story.
You do also have to be honest with yourself. If you've been leading her on, whether it was intentional or not, apologize to her for that.
posted by mattpfeff at 1:23 PM on April 22, 2007