Amputee Handshake

April 15, 2007 10:33 PM

You lost your right hand in an accident. Do you want me to use my left hand when giving you a handshake?

Whats going on in your brain?

Does it make you uncomfortable that I thought ahead: "Okay this guy is missing his right hand and has to give people the somewhat awkward left-to-right handshake, I'll use my left."

Does it feel better to shake hands more like everybody else, left-to-left? Do people do this for you often? Or are you so used to left-to-right handshakes by now that youre over it and it bugs you when people make an exception for you and remind you of your deformity.

Is there a difference if this is our first-ever meeting handshake or if we've known each other for a while?

posted by ElmerFishpaw to Human Relations (19 answers total)

Bob Dole's right hand isn't amputated. But Bob Dole's right hand and arm have been paralyzed since Bob Dole was wounded serving in the 10th Mountain Division in Italy in World War II. So Bob Dole collected taxes for the Welfare state with Bob Dole's left hand. Bob Dole always places a pen in Bob Dole's non-functioning right hand. Bob Dole does this to prompt people to shake hands with Bob Dole's left hand. You're seeing the real Bob Dole now.
posted by orthogonality at 10:47 PM on April 15, 2007 [19 favorites]

Everyone's gonna be different, but going out of your way to use your left-hand seems a bit too much. And if you know the person well enough, then just ask him.
posted by hobbes at 10:51 PM on April 15, 2007

Do you want me to use my left hand when giving you a handshake?

What other choice is there? You can't shake someone's left hand with your right.

This is the worst kind of hypothetical question (OK, there may well be people on Mefi who've lost their right hand, and I hope if so that they answer), but here's my hypothetical answer were I an amputee (and I have shaken hands with people in this situation in the past): we meet, I put out my left hand, you shake it with your left, neither of us, if we have any social graces, give it a second thought. It would seem (to me) coarse and graceless to make anything out of it.

Shaking hands is a symbolic act -- good faith, no weapons -- and the symbol has (in these modern times) little to nothing do with the minutiae of the mechanics.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 10:58 PM on April 15, 2007

Assuming for the sake of argument that both solutions are wrong:

Using the right hand is the sort of mistake you'd make on autopilot, without premeditation, and perhaps as a result of not noticing the person's impairment. It's probably the sort of mistake the amputee in question is used to encountering, and thus would likely be unmemorable.

Use of the left hand is the sort of mistake you'd make if you'd ruminated deeply about the person's impairment. Though it could tend to show a degree of consideration, it would be a rarer (and therefore more memorable) sort of mistake.

In these circumstances, if I didn't know the person well enough to ask his or her preference (as Hobbes recommends), I think I'd go with the herd, and use my right hand.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 11:02 PM on April 15, 2007 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Speaking from 26 years of personal experience: the upside-down left-right handshake is always odd. But neither is offensive.

As long as you don't act nervous, change hands mid-approach, or do something similarly odd, I'm not going to overthink it.

Depending on the cultural context, you can consider non-hand-specific greetings such as hugs, bows, and pats on the shoulder, so long as you use the same greeting for others.
posted by shaun at 11:02 PM on April 15, 2007

A friend of mine was born with a deformed right hand. He seems very purposeful in initiating a left-handed shake. Seems I remember it being a little awkward the first time, but I read him as "yeah, I know my right hand is gone... so this is what works" while he was smiling. But he is very open about it, and makes frequent jokes.

Another friend is extremely self conscious about her right hand deformity. From what I've observed, she waits for people to initiate with a right-hand shake, and then uses her left hand.

So yeah, I'd say it is totally dependent on the individual, but most people are used to it, and I'm sure wouldn't be overly offended with a polite question. Depending on the person and situation, you could always go for a hug. Something more personal that the individual might not receive much, and might prefer over the usual awkward handshake.
posted by peripatew at 11:05 PM on April 15, 2007

Also: No one has ever asked which hand would be appropriate. As such, I would probably find the question unusual but wouldn't be offended. But as others have said, everyone is different. I wouldn't worry about too much.
posted by shaun at 11:06 PM on April 15, 2007

When I was a student at B.U. I had the chance to meet the then-President John Silber a few times. Silber has only one full arm, the other is his "stub" as he called it. I don't believe he's ever used an artificial limb to hide it. He actually had all his shirts tailored so that even if you didn't know of his deformity beforehand, you would as soon as you saw him. He would often cross his arms when he talked (like you might hold your shoulders if you were cold), which always amused me because it seemed that he took great pleasure in adding these measures to make absolutely sure you understood that he was completely fine with it, and so should you be.

When we shook hands, I used my left.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 11:20 PM on April 15, 2007

Based on my experience, people whom I have met without use of their right hand tend to offer their left hand before I can even think about what to do. But I guess if they didn't offer first, I'd offer my left without a second thought. It's not like they don't already know their hand is missing.
posted by The Deej at 11:34 PM on April 15, 2007

I was under the impression it was accepted/expected to use your left hand. I'd go with left unless I got way too far in to make a smooth switch. Asking would be weird.
posted by 0xFCAF at 12:12 AM on April 16, 2007

I have a coworker who has very limited use of his right hand, in spite of the fact that he's still predominantly right-handed. He offers his left hand for a handshake and I reach with my left and I tend to extend a right-handed backup out of pure habit (and end up doing a double-handed grasp). He's never offended, as far as I know (and he'd sure tell me).

I also interact (in a university computer lab) with other variously disabled (blind, deaf, in a motorized chair with little other abilities other than getting around and keyboarding, various statures [i.e. dwarfism], miscellaneous missing limbs, extensive burn scars, etc.) on a fairly regular basis. From what I can tell, any way to accept and respect and accommodate those individuals is perfectly fine with them.

We are all just people, after all.
It's still sometimes still very difficult for me to know what to do for the individual situation.
posted by lilywing13 at 12:14 AM on April 16, 2007

I'd wait till they put a hand out, then shake with the appropriate one.
posted by wackybrit at 2:13 AM on April 16, 2007

My mother has a deformed right hand since birth and when in a shaking hand situation, she gives the other person her left hand. 9 out of 10 new persons shakes it with their right hand, probably because you normally put your hands out simultaneously and her hand situation is hard to notice in advance. It doesn't 'fit' very well but works. She's had 59 years of experience with this left/right handshake so it's totally normal for her. When someone (mostly someone who allready knows her) in a natural way puts out their left hand, she gives that person extra credit though. It's not so much that she likes the left/left better, as that it shows that the other person is flexible and remembers her. You notice it, adjust to the situation and then it's no big thing anymore.

Like have been said before, people are probably different though. This is her view on things.
posted by pica at 2:37 AM on April 16, 2007

Several months ago, I met a gentleman for the first time, and without even thinking I put out my right hand for a handshake. I didn't notice immediately that he had lost all but two of his fingers on his right hand, but he reached out anyway for the handshake that I initiated. I'm sure my poker face wasn't perfect, but he didn't give it a second thought, and we went about our meeting.

People who deal with this day in and day out most likely don't give it much in depth thought. Personally, I would not do anything to call attention to it, particularly on a first meeting.
posted by shinynewnick at 6:09 AM on April 16, 2007

My father-in-law lost the use of his right side and he generally extends his left hand upside down when shaking of hands is warranted.

Since the origin of a handshake is to occupy your dominant hand, this seems like the most appropriate solution to me.
posted by mzurer at 8:53 AM on April 16, 2007

"You have to hang in, smile big, and say 'hey, swell hand! Gimme three!'"

- George Carlin
posted by dr_dank at 9:21 AM on April 16, 2007

i used to have a friend ( a drummer actually!) with no right hand, just a stump

I found it much easier to let him initiate the "hand" shake etc....

it turned out he extended the stump and I grabbed him around the wrist and shook his stump just like a hand, he also high fived with the stump, too, it was a little weird at first but i got used to it

maybe you could shake the left hand with two hands, like, extend the left hand and grasp his left hand, then also grab with your right hand, like one of those really cordial heartfelt handshakes

but again, with that friend of mine i just let him lead the way
posted by Salvatorparadise at 9:33 AM on April 16, 2007

You have the choice between covering their left hand with your right and giving it an affectionate squeeze, or shaking with your left hand.

A business relation of my father's didn't have a right hand and always extended his left hand when shaking hands, and as far as I could tell either option was OK. My guess is that it's better to do what comes naturally to you than to fumble.
posted by rjs at 10:29 AM on April 16, 2007

A friend of mine was in a motorcycle accident that rendered his right arm nearly useless. Since then I've always used my left hand to shake hands with him. Just seemed the natural thing to do.
posted by Vorteks at 11:57 AM on April 16, 2007