How can I learn to love an asshole (and I don't mean someone who is inconsiderate)
March 26, 2007 10:27 AM Subscribe
[GaySexFilter] Help me overcome being disgusted by buttholes. If I don't get over it soon, it's going to be a major problem for me in relationships.
I'm a 25 year old male and trust me, I'm gay. No need to post responses like, "Are you sure you're gay?" I love men and men's bodies. I just can't seem to get over being totally grossed out by buttholes. I should tell you that I am a virgin, so I've never actually touched, licked, or sniffed one. But I've seen some porn and can't stand to watch the parts where they "rim." I can watch the actual sex, but I don't like looking at the hole. I just concentrate on other parts of the anatomy instead. If I were straight, this wouldn't even be an issue. But since I'm gay, I realize that most sex acts that gay men like to engage in require use of the brown hole.
The hairiness is kinda gross, but I think the slight brown skin color is nasty. I also have a problem with the fact that shit comes out of the butthole and it can't be entirely sanitary. Maybe you can wash it with antibacterial soap before use, but still...it's a shit pipe! Even if it is properly cleansed, it still icks me out. It wouldn't be very romantic if I asked to cover my partner's ass with saran wrap before I licked it.
Has anyone else ever been afraid of the big brown eye but learned to love it? Was anyone else afraid before they had sex the first time and then found out it wasn't so scary? Advice please. The question might sound absurd but it's actually a serious issue. Thanks!
I'm a 25 year old male and trust me, I'm gay. No need to post responses like, "Are you sure you're gay?" I love men and men's bodies. I just can't seem to get over being totally grossed out by buttholes. I should tell you that I am a virgin, so I've never actually touched, licked, or sniffed one. But I've seen some porn and can't stand to watch the parts where they "rim." I can watch the actual sex, but I don't like looking at the hole. I just concentrate on other parts of the anatomy instead. If I were straight, this wouldn't even be an issue. But since I'm gay, I realize that most sex acts that gay men like to engage in require use of the brown hole.
The hairiness is kinda gross, but I think the slight brown skin color is nasty. I also have a problem with the fact that shit comes out of the butthole and it can't be entirely sanitary. Maybe you can wash it with antibacterial soap before use, but still...it's a shit pipe! Even if it is properly cleansed, it still icks me out. It wouldn't be very romantic if I asked to cover my partner's ass with saran wrap before I licked it.
Has anyone else ever been afraid of the big brown eye but learned to love it? Was anyone else afraid before they had sex the first time and then found out it wasn't so scary? Advice please. The question might sound absurd but it's actually a serious issue. Thanks!
IANAGM, but why does being gay have to involve backdoor shenanigans at all? There is another major body orifice that is pretty famous for being satisfying in the sex department.
posted by DU at 10:49 AM on March 26, 2007
posted by DU at 10:49 AM on March 26, 2007
Yup: lots of gay men won't touch the butthole. Lots of straight men too, come to that (buggery has been showing up more and more in heterosexual porn in the last ten years and yeah, gross). You should be able to find someone who's sexually in sync with you easily rather than reprograming yourself to do something you don't like, which may not be terribly successful.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 10:50 AM on March 26, 2007
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 10:50 AM on March 26, 2007
hm. i'm not a therapist or anything remotely like one, but i imagine the first step is finding another gay man you can talk to about this. i am sure you are not the only one who's had this conflict.
maybe you can find a "sexual mentor" whom you feel safe exploring with? someone who understands your issues upfront and is willing to help you discover how to find pleasure in anal sex. obviously, you have to be willing to do it, and maybe set up an arrangement to meet more than once.
i do believe there are guys out there who would get a kick out of the relationship and enjoy it. you'd have to interview them, and chuck anyone who seems creepy to you, of course. it might feel weird and unromantic, but hopefully you'll feel more liberated and under less pressure to perform, since the point of this is therapeutic, not romantic expression.
and i would recommend avoiding hard drugs or anything while you do this, although a little wine to relax wouldn't be a bad idea. you don't want to condition yourself to only enjoy sex when you're high.
posted by thinkingwoman at 10:53 AM on March 26, 2007
maybe you can find a "sexual mentor" whom you feel safe exploring with? someone who understands your issues upfront and is willing to help you discover how to find pleasure in anal sex. obviously, you have to be willing to do it, and maybe set up an arrangement to meet more than once.
i do believe there are guys out there who would get a kick out of the relationship and enjoy it. you'd have to interview them, and chuck anyone who seems creepy to you, of course. it might feel weird and unromantic, but hopefully you'll feel more liberated and under less pressure to perform, since the point of this is therapeutic, not romantic expression.
and i would recommend avoiding hard drugs or anything while you do this, although a little wine to relax wouldn't be a bad idea. you don't want to condition yourself to only enjoy sex when you're high.
posted by thinkingwoman at 10:53 AM on March 26, 2007
most sex acts that gay men like to engage in require use of the brown hole
I think you're wrong about that. I'm gay and I'd say about half the gay men I know have little to no anal play in their sex lives. Partly out of concern for HIV, partly out of distaste. If you don't like it, don't do it. It'll be OK.
posted by Nelson at 10:56 AM on March 26, 2007
I think you're wrong about that. I'm gay and I'd say about half the gay men I know have little to no anal play in their sex lives. Partly out of concern for HIV, partly out of distaste. If you don't like it, don't do it. It'll be OK.
posted by Nelson at 10:56 AM on March 26, 2007
Response by poster: I just feel like I'd be severely limited with regard to who would want to be with me if I don't learn to embrace it. Sure, some guys might not like it, either. But I think most gay guys do. And I feel like it's not really considered a "fetish" because it's almost expected that gay guys are going to lick it, etc. I've never known a gay guy who won't touch it. Maybe it's more of a young man's thing?
posted by DarwinianDan at 10:57 AM on March 26, 2007
posted by DarwinianDan at 10:57 AM on March 26, 2007
When did AskMe turn into Savage Love? Seriously, don't sweat it. If you don't like the bunghole, you don't like the bunghole. Get really, really good at sucking cock, and odds are he'll never even notice where you're not going.
(I can't believe I'm posting this at work.)
[NOT EPONYSTERICAL]
posted by Faint of Butt at 11:03 AM on March 26, 2007 [5 favorites]
(I can't believe I'm posting this at work.)
[NOT EPONYSTERICAL]
posted by Faint of Butt at 11:03 AM on March 26, 2007 [5 favorites]
Well, the cockrub warriors have already been linked, so...
I'm a bisexual man who started out with no interest in anal sex. And I'd probably have been just has happy not to explore that except that I actually started to feel the desire to bottom when I was with one male partner. I didn't end up going that way with him, but I did start exploring.
I found that the book Anal Pleasure & Health to be immensely helpful once I started feeling those urges. And I discovered that I really liked being penetrated.
YMMV, but that'd be the place for you to find out.
posted by ursus_comiter at 11:05 AM on March 26, 2007 [1 favorite]
I'm a bisexual man who started out with no interest in anal sex. And I'd probably have been just has happy not to explore that except that I actually started to feel the desire to bottom when I was with one male partner. I didn't end up going that way with him, but I did start exploring.
I found that the book Anal Pleasure & Health to be immensely helpful once I started feeling those urges. And I discovered that I really liked being penetrated.
YMMV, but that'd be the place for you to find out.
posted by ursus_comiter at 11:05 AM on March 26, 2007 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I want to learn to like it. I want to be fun in the sack and uninhibited. I don't want to be a prude who says "I won't do this" and "I won't do that."
posted by DarwinianDan at 11:09 AM on March 26, 2007
posted by DarwinianDan at 11:09 AM on March 26, 2007
As another gay man, I'll second what Nelson is saying. Not everyone has to like every possible sex act — and, indeed, there are gay men who don't like anal sex. Odds are you'll find someone who shares your likes and dislikes.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 11:09 AM on March 26, 2007
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 11:09 AM on March 26, 2007
Are you not OK with rimming, but OK with putting your penis in there? Are you OK with people rimming/putting their penis in yours?
Because there are PLENTY of people who don't like rimming. And plenty of people who don't like anal sex. And there are plenty, plenty, PLENTY of gay men who PREFER to simply penetrate their partners rather than have their partners penetrate them.
And you know, if you're not OK with either your or your boy's butthole being a part of the action, you'll still find plenty of gay men who are willing to do all sorts of other things.
Where did you get the idea that gay men are expected to rim? Not porn, surely? I hope to God the human race isn't supposed to be taking it's normative sexual practices from porn. If so, I am seriously behind on my gang-bang and money-shot quota.
parmanparman, dudes have mouths and tounges, too.
posted by Anonymous at 11:11 AM on March 26, 2007
Because there are PLENTY of people who don't like rimming. And plenty of people who don't like anal sex. And there are plenty, plenty, PLENTY of gay men who PREFER to simply penetrate their partners rather than have their partners penetrate them.
And you know, if you're not OK with either your or your boy's butthole being a part of the action, you'll still find plenty of gay men who are willing to do all sorts of other things.
Where did you get the idea that gay men are expected to rim? Not porn, surely? I hope to God the human race isn't supposed to be taking it's normative sexual practices from porn. If so, I am seriously behind on my gang-bang and money-shot quota.
parmanparman, dudes have mouths and tounges, too.
posted by Anonymous at 11:11 AM on March 26, 2007
If you must, you must, you must learn to like rimming, well, you have to just do it and hope it catches on. Have you partner get an enema, shave, and scrub the shit (literally) out of that thing and go at it.
posted by Anonymous at 11:12 AM on March 26, 2007
posted by Anonymous at 11:12 AM on March 26, 2007
I want to be fun in the sack and uninhibited.
"Being uninhibited" is not necessarily something you can successfully learn. Having inhibitions can be a part of your identity, as real and as healthy as your sexual identity. Could you learn to be straight? In a healthy way?
Don't make the mistake of conflating "being repressed" and "having inhibitions". They are two different things. For instance: I will never ever take a picture of my cock and e-mail it to someone. Ever. Does that mean I have a problematic inhibition? No. Does that mean everybody who would do that has a sickness? No. You'll be more fun in the sack being comfortable with who you are, and what you won't do is as much a part of that as what you will.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 11:19 AM on March 26, 2007 [4 favorites]
"Being uninhibited" is not necessarily something you can successfully learn. Having inhibitions can be a part of your identity, as real and as healthy as your sexual identity. Could you learn to be straight? In a healthy way?
Don't make the mistake of conflating "being repressed" and "having inhibitions". They are two different things. For instance: I will never ever take a picture of my cock and e-mail it to someone. Ever. Does that mean I have a problematic inhibition? No. Does that mean everybody who would do that has a sickness? No. You'll be more fun in the sack being comfortable with who you are, and what you won't do is as much a part of that as what you will.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 11:19 AM on March 26, 2007 [4 favorites]
First off: actual gay man speaking. That doesn't necessarily make my answer better, but at least you know where the advice is coming from.
Anyway, DarwinianDan, I think the key here is communication. Certainly early in a relationship, you're not going to go there anyway. Anal sex is riskier and more intimate and most guys expect that the first few sexual encounters can be strictly oral and handjobs without arousing suspicion. As things progress, you'll have to tell your partner (when you're not already in bed, preferably) that you're not really hoping to go near his ass at all. He may or may not be pleased with that, but at least it's out on the table. Lots of guys don't want their ass messed with anyway, so you might be free and clear.
Now, another question which I think I know the answer to but feel compelled to ask: ever bottomed? I know you don't like other people's assholes, but what if someone else really likes yours? Lots of guys consider themselves total tops: they don't expect you to interact with thier ass, but they'll want you to spread 'em. I suggest spending a little time figuring out whether you enjoy the sensation of the butthole any more than the vision of it. I'm not suggesting that you have to bottom to have sex, I just want to make sure you clarify your boundaries for yourself before explaining them to others.
posted by Help, I can't stop talking! at 11:19 AM on March 26, 2007 [1 favorite]
Anyway, DarwinianDan, I think the key here is communication. Certainly early in a relationship, you're not going to go there anyway. Anal sex is riskier and more intimate and most guys expect that the first few sexual encounters can be strictly oral and handjobs without arousing suspicion. As things progress, you'll have to tell your partner (when you're not already in bed, preferably) that you're not really hoping to go near his ass at all. He may or may not be pleased with that, but at least it's out on the table. Lots of guys don't want their ass messed with anyway, so you might be free and clear.
Now, another question which I think I know the answer to but feel compelled to ask: ever bottomed? I know you don't like other people's assholes, but what if someone else really likes yours? Lots of guys consider themselves total tops: they don't expect you to interact with thier ass, but they'll want you to spread 'em. I suggest spending a little time figuring out whether you enjoy the sensation of the butthole any more than the vision of it. I'm not suggesting that you have to bottom to have sex, I just want to make sure you clarify your boundaries for yourself before explaining them to others.
posted by Help, I can't stop talking! at 11:19 AM on March 26, 2007 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: If it makes any difference, I'm not into really graphic porn. I like relationship porn. I like watching kissing, etc. I'm not into a guy spanking and slapping his partner. I don't like watching guys fuck really hard and fast.
Isn't it totally unromantic to administer enemas before doing the deed? How far in advance do you need to do it? Seems like everything has to be planned, rather than letting spontaneity take the lead.
If I bottom a lot, will my sphincter weaken and not be able to hold my doodoo in? I don't want to be incontinent or occasionally leak.
posted by DarwinianDan at 11:20 AM on March 26, 2007
Isn't it totally unromantic to administer enemas before doing the deed? How far in advance do you need to do it? Seems like everything has to be planned, rather than letting spontaneity take the lead.
If I bottom a lot, will my sphincter weaken and not be able to hold my doodoo in? I don't want to be incontinent or occasionally leak.
posted by DarwinianDan at 11:20 AM on March 26, 2007
darwininandan, you said: I want to learn to like it. I want to be fun in the sack and uninhibited.. And earlier you said I should tell you that I am a virgin.
Maybe you should spend less time thinking about what you may or may not like and more time trying it out? I assure you that you can have lovely, satisfying, crazy sex with other gay men without either of you going anywhere near each other's asshole. Stop stressing out about it.
posted by Nelson at 11:23 AM on March 26, 2007
Maybe you should spend less time thinking about what you may or may not like and more time trying it out? I assure you that you can have lovely, satisfying, crazy sex with other gay men without either of you going anywhere near each other's asshole. Stop stressing out about it.
posted by Nelson at 11:23 AM on March 26, 2007
Response by poster: I am virgin. Never bottomed. I will try everything at least once, though. I would let a guy rim me but I certainly hope he doesn't expect me to kiss him afterward!
posted by DarwinianDan at 11:24 AM on March 26, 2007
posted by DarwinianDan at 11:24 AM on March 26, 2007
Response by poster: I'm also not really interested casual sexual encounters. I want a relationship. I don't want to hang out in bars and clubs to find guys to take home with me.
posted by DarwinianDan at 11:25 AM on March 26, 2007
posted by DarwinianDan at 11:25 AM on March 26, 2007
You mention that you are a virgin. Lack of experience may have something to do with this. If you are actually physically in bed with a guy you like and who turns you on quite a bit, you may find yourself not as grossed out by his ass as you have been by asses in the past. I've gotten way, way more into assholes over the years (I've been out of the closet for 7).
As for rimming - I do not think that there is a "gay consensus" regarding this. Nobody, or almost nobody, *expects* it of you. Even guys who want you to fuck them. I myself happen to be a gay guy who has never, and never wanted to, tongue another guy's ass. But that could change, I guess. I don't think rimming specifically is something to worry about.
posted by fugitivefromchaingang at 11:29 AM on March 26, 2007
As for rimming - I do not think that there is a "gay consensus" regarding this. Nobody, or almost nobody, *expects* it of you. Even guys who want you to fuck them. I myself happen to be a gay guy who has never, and never wanted to, tongue another guy's ass. But that could change, I guess. I don't think rimming specifically is something to worry about.
posted by fugitivefromchaingang at 11:29 AM on March 26, 2007
DarwinianDan: I want to learn to like it. I want to be fun in the sack and uninhibited.
I take it that you grok what everyone else has already said about it not being absolutely necessary that you indulge in Pucker Play. So, 'nuff said on that.
Virtually any sex act/organ can be made disgusting if you overthink it. Going down on a guy (ew, pee!), going down on a woman (ew, pee! ew, menstrual blood!), or even kissing (ew, so many bacteria!). Part of becoming comfortable with buttholes would be learning to turn off that 'ew!' switch. Doesn't mean that you have to become a raging copraphile though.
Since you have your own butthole, you can start your... exploration... there. Have a good shower. If you think you might want to try penetration, have a good dump first (so you don't run into any surprises). Get some lube (and latex gloves if you want), and play around back there on your own sometime. Relax and have fun it with. There's no pressure since you're by yourself. Getting comfortable with your own butt would help you get comfortable with butts in general.
As far as the hair goes... some guys DO shave back there. The contortionism behind it is beyond me though.
posted by CKmtl at 11:36 AM on March 26, 2007 [1 favorite]
I take it that you grok what everyone else has already said about it not being absolutely necessary that you indulge in Pucker Play. So, 'nuff said on that.
Virtually any sex act/organ can be made disgusting if you overthink it. Going down on a guy (ew, pee!), going down on a woman (ew, pee! ew, menstrual blood!), or even kissing (ew, so many bacteria!). Part of becoming comfortable with buttholes would be learning to turn off that 'ew!' switch. Doesn't mean that you have to become a raging copraphile though.
Since you have your own butthole, you can start your... exploration... there. Have a good shower. If you think you might want to try penetration, have a good dump first (so you don't run into any surprises). Get some lube (and latex gloves if you want), and play around back there on your own sometime. Relax and have fun it with. There's no pressure since you're by yourself. Getting comfortable with your own butt would help you get comfortable with butts in general.
As far as the hair goes... some guys DO shave back there. The contortionism behind it is beyond me though.
posted by CKmtl at 11:36 AM on March 26, 2007 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Body hair itself doesn't gross me out. But hair that touches shit does. It makes me think of animals that you see at the zoo that have dried crap crust on their hairy asses. Dingleberries, I believe they're called.
posted by DarwinianDan at 11:40 AM on March 26, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by DarwinianDan at 11:40 AM on March 26, 2007 [1 favorite]
I just need to jump in here, DarwinianDan: people absolutely will expect a kiss after rimming. If I go to all the trouble of being a giving sexual partner and eating your ass, the last thing I want is to be asked to rinse my mouth out afterwards. If you're not going to kiss the guy, then don't let him rim you.
And no, your butthole won't get weirdly loose and cause you to crap your pants. People bottom all the time. You'll be fine. I mean, you've probably put something huge in your mouth at some point (even though you're a virgin), but you can still close it afterwards, right? It's a muscle, it expands and contracts.
posted by Help, I can't stop talking! at 11:43 AM on March 26, 2007
And no, your butthole won't get weirdly loose and cause you to crap your pants. People bottom all the time. You'll be fine. I mean, you've probably put something huge in your mouth at some point (even though you're a virgin), but you can still close it afterwards, right? It's a muscle, it expands and contracts.
posted by Help, I can't stop talking! at 11:43 AM on March 26, 2007
There's a lot of good advice here about not having to engage in anal play, as well as some ways to get acclimated to it.
I'd just point out that it can be hard to have a clinical discussion about these things. In the heat of sex things which seem gross can come to seem comely. I know you've noticed this watching porn, but what have your heated explorations been like around this?
posted by OmieWise at 11:49 AM on March 26, 2007
I'd just point out that it can be hard to have a clinical discussion about these things. In the heat of sex things which seem gross can come to seem comely. I know you've noticed this watching porn, but what have your heated explorations been like around this?
posted by OmieWise at 11:49 AM on March 26, 2007
Should've previewed...
DarwinianDan: If I bottom a lot, will my sphincter weaken and not be able to hold my doodoo in? I don't want to be incontinent or occasionally leak.
From normal human-sized dicks and/or dildos? Not in any lasting way. Even immediately after bottoming, your hole isn't gaping wide. Lube might dribble out a bit after the act, but that's just a bit of an annoyance.
You might run into problems if you routinely go around sitting on traffic cones though.
posted by CKmtl at 11:49 AM on March 26, 2007 [1 favorite]
DarwinianDan: If I bottom a lot, will my sphincter weaken and not be able to hold my doodoo in? I don't want to be incontinent or occasionally leak.
From normal human-sized dicks and/or dildos? Not in any lasting way. Even immediately after bottoming, your hole isn't gaping wide. Lube might dribble out a bit after the act, but that's just a bit of an annoyance.
You might run into problems if you routinely go around sitting on traffic cones though.
posted by CKmtl at 11:49 AM on March 26, 2007 [1 favorite]
So perhaps you're not quite as much of a "visual person." Focus more on the feeling, less on the looking.
As you get more experienced, positive association should take care of making all man-parts more visually stimulating. Some of your inhibitions will lighten up because a) you'll be more confident and b) being able to make someone's brain explode makes things that seem gross or weird a hell of a lot sexier.
No need to try too hard or be someone you're not. It's okay to be inexperienced, and anyone who isn't understanding about this, well, isn't someone with whom you should be fooling around.
Was anyone else afraid before they had sex the first time and then found out it wasn't so scary?
Aw, honey. Pretty much everyone.
posted by desuetude at 11:56 AM on March 26, 2007
As you get more experienced, positive association should take care of making all man-parts more visually stimulating. Some of your inhibitions will lighten up because a) you'll be more confident and b) being able to make someone's brain explode makes things that seem gross or weird a hell of a lot sexier.
No need to try too hard or be someone you're not. It's okay to be inexperienced, and anyone who isn't understanding about this, well, isn't someone with whom you should be fooling around.
Was anyone else afraid before they had sex the first time and then found out it wasn't so scary?
Aw, honey. Pretty much everyone.
posted by desuetude at 11:56 AM on March 26, 2007
posted for a meFite who would prefer to remain anonymous:
There are gay men who don't do anal (according to NYC's sexual survey,
it's a healthy 15% minority) so there's no reason why you have to, to
have a satisfying sexual relationship.
Are you absolutely wedded to topping 100% of the time? Maybe you'd be
more comfortable with your partners' holes if you spent some time
exclusively bottoming. The more other people are comfortable with your
body, the more likely you are to feel more comfortable exploring theirs.
Also, much like anything new, sometimes you just have to acclimatize.
Med students learn not to puke when opening up bodies, new parents learn
to deal with all kinds of body fluids we usually keep to ourselves, and
in the realm of purely pleasurable, plenty of people learn how to lick
and suck the parts that produce urine (and some even learn to swallow
semen) and enjoy it by doing it. Our genitals share purpose with our
excretory systems; that's just the way it is. The more you do it, the
more you get used to it (and it's okay if you learn that there are some
things you just can never do. You don't have to rim if you don't want to.)
Finally, ease back on getting your expectations of a regular sex act
from porn, because pornography is full of sex, but it's not full of real
sex. Real people don't tend to slap their partners in the face with
their cocks, blow jobs don't have to be on the knees and upright, anal
doesn't have to be on hands and knees, and you really can take off your
socks before you do it.
Seriously, though, porn films are a visual medium, so they SHOW YOU
EVERYTHING. Up close, macro lenses. You see a LOT more hole in porn than
you will ever see in regular sex unless you're rimming. With an
appropriately lubed cock and careful hand guidance, you don't ever have
to look at it at all. You can stroke the head carefully along the cleft
to find the hole, and likewise, guide it in by touch.
Also, there are lots of positions that minimize your visual contact.
Missionary style is perfect- even if you look down, you'll mostly see
his package in the way. Gravity works for you. As for cleanliness, there
are lots and lots of guys who are hyperaware of the same thing- have a
shower, keep wipes by the bed, make judicious use of enemas.
The most important thing for you to realize is that you (and your
partner) decide what kind of sex you have, and if you don't want to look
at a hole, you don't have to. If you don't want to rim, you don't have
to. And honestly, if you don't want to have anal sex period, you don't
have to. But if you want to, I really think the best way is to just try it.
posted by jessamyn at 1:22 PM on March 26, 2007
There are gay men who don't do anal (according to NYC's sexual survey,
it's a healthy 15% minority) so there's no reason why you have to, to
have a satisfying sexual relationship.
Are you absolutely wedded to topping 100% of the time? Maybe you'd be
more comfortable with your partners' holes if you spent some time
exclusively bottoming. The more other people are comfortable with your
body, the more likely you are to feel more comfortable exploring theirs.
Also, much like anything new, sometimes you just have to acclimatize.
Med students learn not to puke when opening up bodies, new parents learn
to deal with all kinds of body fluids we usually keep to ourselves, and
in the realm of purely pleasurable, plenty of people learn how to lick
and suck the parts that produce urine (and some even learn to swallow
semen) and enjoy it by doing it. Our genitals share purpose with our
excretory systems; that's just the way it is. The more you do it, the
more you get used to it (and it's okay if you learn that there are some
things you just can never do. You don't have to rim if you don't want to.)
Finally, ease back on getting your expectations of a regular sex act
from porn, because pornography is full of sex, but it's not full of real
sex. Real people don't tend to slap their partners in the face with
their cocks, blow jobs don't have to be on the knees and upright, anal
doesn't have to be on hands and knees, and you really can take off your
socks before you do it.
Seriously, though, porn films are a visual medium, so they SHOW YOU
EVERYTHING. Up close, macro lenses. You see a LOT more hole in porn than
you will ever see in regular sex unless you're rimming. With an
appropriately lubed cock and careful hand guidance, you don't ever have
to look at it at all. You can stroke the head carefully along the cleft
to find the hole, and likewise, guide it in by touch.
Also, there are lots of positions that minimize your visual contact.
Missionary style is perfect- even if you look down, you'll mostly see
his package in the way. Gravity works for you. As for cleanliness, there
are lots and lots of guys who are hyperaware of the same thing- have a
shower, keep wipes by the bed, make judicious use of enemas.
The most important thing for you to realize is that you (and your
partner) decide what kind of sex you have, and if you don't want to look
at a hole, you don't have to. If you don't want to rim, you don't have
to. And honestly, if you don't want to have anal sex period, you don't
have to. But if you want to, I really think the best way is to just try it.
posted by jessamyn at 1:22 PM on March 26, 2007
Oscar Wilde, one of history's most famous gay men, never had anal sex.
you can be like Oscar Wilde, isn't that cool? don't worry so much and good luck.
posted by matteo at 1:23 PM on March 26, 2007
you can be like Oscar Wilde, isn't that cool? don't worry so much and good luck.
posted by matteo at 1:23 PM on March 26, 2007
Mod note: a few comments removed, please take "lol butts" or "lol faintofbutt" talk to MetaTalk or email
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 1:24 PM on March 26, 2007
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 1:24 PM on March 26, 2007
Here's the thing. I am obviously not a gay man either. But I do remember being a virgin. And I do remember thinking that there were things I really didn't ever want to do. That I would not get used to them or like them. Ewww.
You do. And sometimes you don't. But with experience you'll find yourself saying ewww a lot less. You'll stop thinking so much. The self-consciousness will fade & it'll be much less of a big deal. Fact is, if you do anything enough it can become totally normal to you.
posted by miss lynnster at 1:33 PM on March 26, 2007
You do. And sometimes you don't. But with experience you'll find yourself saying ewww a lot less. You'll stop thinking so much. The self-consciousness will fade & it'll be much less of a big deal. Fact is, if you do anything enough it can become totally normal to you.
posted by miss lynnster at 1:33 PM on March 26, 2007
And sometimes even fun. :)
posted by miss lynnster at 1:34 PM on March 26, 2007
posted by miss lynnster at 1:34 PM on March 26, 2007
Try experimenting when you are on your own. Especially, try to find your prostate gland. To do this, insert your index finger, from in front, as far as you can make it go, and then make a "come here" motion. It might take a few goes, but once you find your prostate, you'll know it. I've heard it described as "an electric shock to your balls", but I've always experienced it more as the sensation of ejaculation, but without actually ejaculating. So, you can have a *lot* of "orgasm", without falling asleep.
Why bother? Well, it might help you get over not liking assplay, once you realise the rewards are worth it. It worked for me.
With regards to partners, just explain that you don't like it. If the guy is good enough for you, he'll understand. It's not like it's written in stone that you have to have anal sex with your partner. I was with a man for 7 years, and we had anal sex 3 times. I was with a woman for 4.5 years, and we never had sex. With both people, though, I had a lot of fun, and nary a complaint. Just be clear with future partners about what your boundaries are.
posted by Solomon at 1:34 PM on March 26, 2007
Why bother? Well, it might help you get over not liking assplay, once you realise the rewards are worth it. It worked for me.
With regards to partners, just explain that you don't like it. If the guy is good enough for you, he'll understand. It's not like it's written in stone that you have to have anal sex with your partner. I was with a man for 7 years, and we had anal sex 3 times. I was with a woman for 4.5 years, and we never had sex. With both people, though, I had a lot of fun, and nary a complaint. Just be clear with future partners about what your boundaries are.
posted by Solomon at 1:34 PM on March 26, 2007
Do you want to be less inhibited in the sack because
a) you think you'll never find a partner if you aren't, or
b) you're attracted to the idea of a version of you that's less inhibited?
If your answer is "a", that's totally the wrong reason, and it won't ever work. If you want a real relationship, you want to find someone who will love you for who you are, not for who they want you to be. If someone won't go out with you because you won't rim him (an extraordinarily remote possibility to being with, despite what you see in porn), you're better off without him. Lack of self-respect is not attractive in a potential partner and nothing says "lack of self-respect" louder than "I'll be whoever you want me to be -- just love me."
If your answer is "b", then there's a chance you might actually learn to like it. There are some good suggestions above. IMO, you might start by learning to enjoy your own (e.g., dildoes -- start out small, don't rush it, and use excessive amounts of lube). Once you're able to relate to that part of your own body erotically, then you might be able to look at another guy's "big brown eye" in a different light.
posted by treepour at 1:36 PM on March 26, 2007
a) you think you'll never find a partner if you aren't, or
b) you're attracted to the idea of a version of you that's less inhibited?
If your answer is "a", that's totally the wrong reason, and it won't ever work. If you want a real relationship, you want to find someone who will love you for who you are, not for who they want you to be. If someone won't go out with you because you won't rim him (an extraordinarily remote possibility to being with, despite what you see in porn), you're better off without him. Lack of self-respect is not attractive in a potential partner and nothing says "lack of self-respect" louder than "I'll be whoever you want me to be -- just love me."
If your answer is "b", then there's a chance you might actually learn to like it. There are some good suggestions above. IMO, you might start by learning to enjoy your own (e.g., dildoes -- start out small, don't rush it, and use excessive amounts of lube). Once you're able to relate to that part of your own body erotically, then you might be able to look at another guy's "big brown eye" in a different light.
posted by treepour at 1:36 PM on March 26, 2007
Well, DD, crystal meth may or may not help with your inhibitions, and Crystal Lite can help you shed those last few pounds before donning assless chaps, but you're definitely better off not listening to Crystal Gayle.
posted by rob511 at 2:23 PM on March 26, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by rob511 at 2:23 PM on March 26, 2007 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Very funny, rob511. No brown eyes for me, no sir-ee.
And treepour, the answer your question is B. Perhaps I will try effing myself to see if I like it. Who knows, maybe I'll stop worrying and learn to love it.
posted by DarwinianDan at 4:37 PM on March 26, 2007
And treepour, the answer your question is B. Perhaps I will try effing myself to see if I like it. Who knows, maybe I'll stop worrying and learn to love it.
posted by DarwinianDan at 4:37 PM on March 26, 2007
DarwinianDan: If I bottom a lot, will my sphincter weaken and not be able to hold my doodoo in? I don't want to be incontinent or occasionally leak.
Although this question has already been answered, considering you will be experimenting on your own and do not seem to have a lot of knowledge on the subject, Not only will you not have any leakage, if you get some wild idea to stick something up there that doesn't have a handle or large base of some sort it WILL get sucked in and you will have to go to the hospital to get it out. (people do dumb things in the moment.) I recommend not sticking anything other than your finger up there until you can buy the appropriately designed butt plugs/dildos, etc. The muscles in the anal cavity have to be completely consciously relaxed in order to insert anything without pain. THAT is how strong those muscles are, no amount of anal sex will change that.
IANAD, but I have a friend that works in the ER with more horror stories than I could ever imagine possible. I also watch too much Sue Johanson.
posted by trishthedish at 8:01 PM on March 26, 2007
Although this question has already been answered, considering you will be experimenting on your own and do not seem to have a lot of knowledge on the subject, Not only will you not have any leakage, if you get some wild idea to stick something up there that doesn't have a handle or large base of some sort it WILL get sucked in and you will have to go to the hospital to get it out. (people do dumb things in the moment.) I recommend not sticking anything other than your finger up there until you can buy the appropriately designed butt plugs/dildos, etc. The muscles in the anal cavity have to be completely consciously relaxed in order to insert anything without pain. THAT is how strong those muscles are, no amount of anal sex will change that.
IANAD, but I have a friend that works in the ER with more horror stories than I could ever imagine possible. I also watch too much Sue Johanson.
posted by trishthedish at 8:01 PM on March 26, 2007
I had a gay friend who, in his mid-twenties, had never given or received anal and was very dubious about it for similar-sounding reasons (gross, not clean). Then he met a particular someone and all that pretty much went out the window. As a straight man I'll say that objectively, you could argue there is nothing all that nice about licking a vagina, yet down we go. When you're horny for someone you often find your standards of what is desirable suddenly getting all elastic.
posted by nanojath at 8:01 PM on March 26, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by nanojath at 8:01 PM on March 26, 2007 [1 favorite]
...if you get some wild idea to stick something up there that doesn't have a handle or large base of some sort it WILL get sucked in and you will have to go to the hospital to get it out.
Yes, that too. Don't do that. You don't want to make a contribution to your local E.R.'s butt-box. The panic of thinking you have something stuck up there that will require medical attention is a real downer.
posted by CKmtl at 8:20 PM on March 26, 2007
Yes, that too. Don't do that. You don't want to make a contribution to your local E.R.'s butt-box. The panic of thinking you have something stuck up there that will require medical attention is a real downer.
posted by CKmtl at 8:20 PM on March 26, 2007
Seconding the recommendation for Anal Pleasure and Health. I'm a bi man who has long-standing relationships with two male partners. In one relationship there is no anal sex and in the other there is. These relationships have different dynamics and different expressions of desire. Neither suffers in comparison to the other. They're just that way. One partner absolutely must have anal sex to be fulfilled; the other is fulfilled differently. I cherish both.
As for details: enema play can be extraordinarily arousing and if you and your partner agree, try it. You can replace the Saran wrap with a dental dam or .004" thick FDA-approved latex sheeting bought in bulk from McMaster-Carr, a place all kinky folk should know. You can use a feather, very lightly, on a man's asshole if you want to please him without using your tongue - this sends a good number of men (and women) right up the wall. There are lots of ways to have exciting, hot play while respecting your limits and your partner's.
posted by jet_silver at 9:31 PM on March 26, 2007 [2 favorites]
As for details: enema play can be extraordinarily arousing and if you and your partner agree, try it. You can replace the Saran wrap with a dental dam or .004" thick FDA-approved latex sheeting bought in bulk from McMaster-Carr, a place all kinky folk should know. You can use a feather, very lightly, on a man's asshole if you want to please him without using your tongue - this sends a good number of men (and women) right up the wall. There are lots of ways to have exciting, hot play while respecting your limits and your partner's.
posted by jet_silver at 9:31 PM on March 26, 2007 [2 favorites]
I think it's great you're thinking about your limits and wondering if you should expand them; just be sure, like folks have said, that you're giving reign to a natural playful sexual curiousity rather than a sense of obligation or misguided need to be what someone else thinks you should be, or what someone else tells you gay men should do in bed. Fuck that noise.
If you do start to play around with your butt, definitely get yourself a copy of Anal Pleasure and Health, like ursus_comiter and jet_silver recommend above; it's an amazingly friendly, informative and useful book, including information on feelings of disgust about the anus, exercises for getting to know it (starting with using a mirror to see it), and excellent health info. Get it, get it, get it; it's fantastic. A group of my pals and I passed copies around about 10 years ago, and it changed our lives, honest. Basically, it encourages you to give buttplay a try and find your own level of comfort. For a lot of folks, gay and straight, that means fingers, which are easier to keep clean if that's a big issue for you.
There are gay men who don't do anal (according to NYC's sexual survey, it's a healthy 15% minority)
Eh, surveys of self-reported sexual behavior are always iffy, particularly in getting a representative sample. I think it's very likely that a great deal more than 15% of gay men don't regularly engage in anal sex. I remember reading in the Advocate years ago a survey that suggested only about 1/3 of gay men regularly *did* engage in anal sex. Whatever the number, there are plenty of gay guys out there who don't spend much time on buttsex, but still have hot sex.
posted by mediareport at 10:05 PM on March 26, 2007
If you do start to play around with your butt, definitely get yourself a copy of Anal Pleasure and Health, like ursus_comiter and jet_silver recommend above; it's an amazingly friendly, informative and useful book, including information on feelings of disgust about the anus, exercises for getting to know it (starting with using a mirror to see it), and excellent health info. Get it, get it, get it; it's fantastic. A group of my pals and I passed copies around about 10 years ago, and it changed our lives, honest. Basically, it encourages you to give buttplay a try and find your own level of comfort. For a lot of folks, gay and straight, that means fingers, which are easier to keep clean if that's a big issue for you.
There are gay men who don't do anal (according to NYC's sexual survey, it's a healthy 15% minority)
Eh, surveys of self-reported sexual behavior are always iffy, particularly in getting a representative sample. I think it's very likely that a great deal more than 15% of gay men don't regularly engage in anal sex. I remember reading in the Advocate years ago a survey that suggested only about 1/3 of gay men regularly *did* engage in anal sex. Whatever the number, there are plenty of gay guys out there who don't spend much time on buttsex, but still have hot sex.
posted by mediareport at 10:05 PM on March 26, 2007
It wouldn't be very romantic if I asked to cover my partner's ass with saran wrap before I licked it.
Actually, people do this all the time. Although some people do use saran wrap (And you could use that if you wanted), what you're looking for is called a "dental dam" and they are recommended to be used on oral to anal/vaginal contact to prevent the spread of diseases. Trying rimming with one of those first could be a nice way to acclimate you to the experience.
More info here.
They even make them flavored, so you get the taste of strawberry while your partner enjoys the feeling.
posted by andoatnp at 10:50 PM on March 26, 2007
Actually, people do this all the time. Although some people do use saran wrap (And you could use that if you wanted), what you're looking for is called a "dental dam" and they are recommended to be used on oral to anal/vaginal contact to prevent the spread of diseases. Trying rimming with one of those first could be a nice way to acclimate you to the experience.
More info here.
They even make them flavored, so you get the taste of strawberry while your partner enjoys the feeling.
posted by andoatnp at 10:50 PM on March 26, 2007
I'm here, I'm queer, and experienced to an extreme.
First, relax. You're a nervous virgin. That's sweet. You feel you don't want to do some things. That's normal. Be up front about where your mind is. Your first partner will do well to understand, and you should let your first encounter be friendly exploration. (I've been with a lot of virgins, and know what I'm saying).
From your own words, it's clear you crave the exchange of affection as much, or more, than sex itself. I remember being that way! As a teen, I coined the term "homosensual", because I often found affection as satisfying as sex (I started early).
It's likely that the agressive sort of sex maniac who would be unkind is going to turn you off long before things get anywhere, so you don't have to worry so much about that sort. But also, your own response to intimacy might surprise you! The heat has a way of turning up real hot :-) That's the general idea.
Oral sex is fabulous. Going down on a guy is wonderful. When you do that, you start getting a nose full of male aroma. I'm pretty sure this makes the olfactory send extra wattage to your cock, but YMMV.
Most guy's butts don't smell like shit. Some do, most do not*. The ones that stink aren't always because the man is unclean, either. Maybe someone more up on psysiology could explain, I won't risk giving false information.
Most smell fantasticaly male. You'd think that would be concentrated on or around the male bits, but nope. It tends to be strongest around the corner. When you get to go down on a guy, you're likely to discover your inhibitions aren't what you think. Who knows? The heat of the passion combined with primitive olfactory stimulation may guide you to places you think are not nice. Be prepared for that possibility.
However, do not think for one moment that getting your mouth down there is something that everyone insists on happening. Nope! Especially not in the 21st century. Rimming is a top source for hepititus infection, and chance to get HIV. Not something you want to be playing with (get vacinated against the hepititus, mmkay? Please? Just in case).
* Really, most don't. Somehow I had two LTRs with guys who did have the problem. I couldn't go near their hole.
posted by Goofyy at 7:51 AM on March 27, 2007
First, relax. You're a nervous virgin. That's sweet. You feel you don't want to do some things. That's normal. Be up front about where your mind is. Your first partner will do well to understand, and you should let your first encounter be friendly exploration. (I've been with a lot of virgins, and know what I'm saying).
From your own words, it's clear you crave the exchange of affection as much, or more, than sex itself. I remember being that way! As a teen, I coined the term "homosensual", because I often found affection as satisfying as sex (I started early).
It's likely that the agressive sort of sex maniac who would be unkind is going to turn you off long before things get anywhere, so you don't have to worry so much about that sort. But also, your own response to intimacy might surprise you! The heat has a way of turning up real hot :-) That's the general idea.
Oral sex is fabulous. Going down on a guy is wonderful. When you do that, you start getting a nose full of male aroma. I'm pretty sure this makes the olfactory send extra wattage to your cock, but YMMV.
Most guy's butts don't smell like shit. Some do, most do not*. The ones that stink aren't always because the man is unclean, either. Maybe someone more up on psysiology could explain, I won't risk giving false information.
Most smell fantasticaly male. You'd think that would be concentrated on or around the male bits, but nope. It tends to be strongest around the corner. When you get to go down on a guy, you're likely to discover your inhibitions aren't what you think. Who knows? The heat of the passion combined with primitive olfactory stimulation may guide you to places you think are not nice. Be prepared for that possibility.
However, do not think for one moment that getting your mouth down there is something that everyone insists on happening. Nope! Especially not in the 21st century. Rimming is a top source for hepititus infection, and chance to get HIV. Not something you want to be playing with (get vacinated against the hepititus, mmkay? Please? Just in case).
* Really, most don't. Somehow I had two LTRs with guys who did have the problem. I couldn't go near their hole.
posted by Goofyy at 7:51 AM on March 27, 2007
queer dude here who'd be cool with you whipping out a phallically shaped roll of Saran Wrap and tearing off a bit ... sounds hot to me! and i know i'm not alone on this!
i find a lot of the proscriptive talk here odd ... meaning grand, universal statements that are broad and general (like in the OP stating something to the effect that str8 guys wouldn't have to deal with the issue ... there are quite a number of str8 guys who *love* booty up close and personal... who DO have to deal with this issue on both the giving side and receiving side (refer to "Bend Over Boyfriend" videos!)). There is no one way of being gay, str8, or any stripe of flavor of sexual being. No one says you have to be into anything you don't want to be.
But awesome that you want to move beyond your self-limitations. The key is communication and conversation! Be open and honest. If potential partners aren't on the same wavelength, or don't get what you want to try or not try, then why, oh why would you want to get busy with them?
I've had some of the hottest sex simply because I can talk about my sexual needs and desires with my clothes on and in broad daylight. That's a level of comfort from which you'll be able to build up to being comfortable exploring *ahem* the nether regions.
And once you start exploring said nether regions, you'll be amazed by the beauty and variety of buttholes. They aren't all hairy and gross. You may want to incorporate a hot shower in your sex play which may give you the confidence to feel good about your explorations. The advice here about enemas, "scrubbing the shit out of" and antibiotic soap are well-intentioned, but could possibly lead to making delicate anal tissue irritated or worse yet, raw. This sets up infection possibilities of all sorts. Be gentle! Trim fingernails!
My final suggestion is to find someone who is willing to be a guide. He may show you his enthusiasm for anal play by having you be the object of affection (e.g. he goes down on you). Perhaps once you experience how awesome the sensations can be, your squimishness may diminish.
Above all, play safe, respect limits, and be good to yourself. And don't give the time of day to those who negate your desires or belittle your requests. There are plenty of hotties out there who want to show you a safe, good, and healthy time in bed (and out of bed!).
posted by kuppajava at 10:08 AM on March 28, 2007
i find a lot of the proscriptive talk here odd ... meaning grand, universal statements that are broad and general (like in the OP stating something to the effect that str8 guys wouldn't have to deal with the issue ... there are quite a number of str8 guys who *love* booty up close and personal... who DO have to deal with this issue on both the giving side and receiving side (refer to "Bend Over Boyfriend" videos!)). There is no one way of being gay, str8, or any stripe of flavor of sexual being. No one says you have to be into anything you don't want to be.
But awesome that you want to move beyond your self-limitations. The key is communication and conversation! Be open and honest. If potential partners aren't on the same wavelength, or don't get what you want to try or not try, then why, oh why would you want to get busy with them?
I've had some of the hottest sex simply because I can talk about my sexual needs and desires with my clothes on and in broad daylight. That's a level of comfort from which you'll be able to build up to being comfortable exploring *ahem* the nether regions.
And once you start exploring said nether regions, you'll be amazed by the beauty and variety of buttholes. They aren't all hairy and gross. You may want to incorporate a hot shower in your sex play which may give you the confidence to feel good about your explorations. The advice here about enemas, "scrubbing the shit out of" and antibiotic soap are well-intentioned, but could possibly lead to making delicate anal tissue irritated or worse yet, raw. This sets up infection possibilities of all sorts. Be gentle! Trim fingernails!
My final suggestion is to find someone who is willing to be a guide. He may show you his enthusiasm for anal play by having you be the object of affection (e.g. he goes down on you). Perhaps once you experience how awesome the sensations can be, your squimishness may diminish.
Above all, play safe, respect limits, and be good to yourself. And don't give the time of day to those who negate your desires or belittle your requests. There are plenty of hotties out there who want to show you a safe, good, and healthy time in bed (and out of bed!).
posted by kuppajava at 10:08 AM on March 28, 2007
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posted by infinitywaltz at 10:37 AM on March 26, 2007