Help me get a date with a girl 7 years younger
March 19, 2007 3:18 PM   Subscribe

Let's put it simple. I'd like to get a date with a cool, intelligent, 18 years old girl that I met last saturday on a pub. I'm 25, haven't been in a relationship since I was 21 and don't know how to proceed. More (much more. maybe too much more) inside.

Here are the facts. Excuse my crappy grammar, but somehow I can't get my thoughts straight with this girl wandering in my mind.

St. Patrick's day. Lots of appointments (well, it's more like 3). I go out in the evening with some friends, and have a couple pints. I am given a funny green hat. Everybody in sight has one. We go for something to eat, and then I have to part to my next appointment in the night: on my way to a party, I have to pick up a friend who works as a bartender on a pub quite popular between the younger population. I walk there, still wearing the hat. He's ending his turn and tells me to wait just a bit.

I'm doing so, and this girl approaches and asks where did I get my hat.

In this point, let me punctualize: I'm not a people person. I get very nervous, and usually end up letting weird things out of my mouth in this type of situation, and laughing nervously. Also, I have been approached other times by younger girls and usually get disoriented about the lightheadedness and dull conversation. It's just that I don't feel like talking on a dark, loud, smokey place.

Not this time. We start talking about where could she get a hat. She asks if she can have mine. I let her borrow it. Keep talking, and talking and talking. Her male young friends come over to see if she's okay. We take some cellphone pics of ourselves. We have a drink. I find her charming, intelligent and not as i thought a 18yo girl with a couple drinks on her would be. She tells me where does she study, I tell her what i do for a living. We even talked about our families, dammit.

Then my friend comes and tells me that we're late and I realize I've been talking to this girl for nearly an hour. That's when, in a incredibly bold move (for me, at least) I ask for her phone number. She says she will give me some IM screen name but then hands me her cellphone so I punch my number, return it and wave goodbye after saying I will contact her tomorrow. We go partying, and when I finally get back to home, I end up chatting two hours with another friend over IM about this girl.

Sunday comes. I text her and she texts back saying she'll be on IM by night. We strike up a short conversation, we swap the cellphone pictures and she logs off. Monday. I've been waiting all day just to see her log on and off.

I'd really like to see this girl again, but I think that she could be a bit freaked out (age difference and stuff) if I'm too pushy. I feel like a stalker just waiting to see her screen name light up on the IM client, and keeping an eye on my cell just to see if she rings. I feel like I was hit with a hammer last saturday. Maybe it's the upcoming spring. Maybe there was some chemistry after all. I just don't know how to continue this. I don't remember the rules of the dating game. I don't know a friggin' thing about how 18 year olds play this game. Should I wait? should i call? should I text her again?. Oh, mefi. I feel like I am 16 years old again, on full hormonal throttle.
posted by ArchEnemy to Human Relations (35 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
 
She's a girl. It's Monday. Now would be an appropriate time to just text her or IM or email her and say that if she's available, you'd love to get coffee on a weekday night. That's low pressure and doesn't tie up her weekend in case she thinks you're freaky, which you're probably not.
posted by santojulieta at 3:26 PM on March 19, 2007


Quick. Make some sort of arrangement to see her again. Perhaps some sort of group date so you can get to know eachother better without a lot of pressure and expectations on anyones part.

It sounds like she is in to you, and you are in to her. The thing to do now is give things a chance to develop. The longer you go worrying about this, watching for her on IM, etc, the weirder you get, so hurry and make plans.
posted by Good Brain at 3:27 PM on March 19, 2007


Wait for her to come online. If 2 days go by and you don't see her online, send her a text and ask if you can set up a date to sit online and IM. See how she responds. Once you've talked online once or twice, see if you can set up an in-person date. I wouldn't suggest something like that generally, but she is young and it is possible she's freaked out by the age difference, and I'm not sure what you can do if that's the case. For some 18 year olds, 25 is too old for a boyfriend; I think at 18, I would have felt freaked out by that and I'm not sure there's anything any guy could have done to make that feeling go away. And I'm sure I would have felt extra guilty about talking to the guy in the bar, too, when I knew I could never seriously date someone that much older than me. Good luck to you, but if she seems reticent, try not to take it personally.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 3:29 PM on March 19, 2007 [1 favorite]


Call her this weekend, invite her out somewhere. You may be interested in imwatching.

Some caveats though - is this girl still in high school? To put it another way, does she live with her parents? Many parents would not look kindly upon this sort of age-difference, though many won't care in the slightest.

Your age difference is not inherently that awkward. Think hard about whether she is mature enough to be your equal in a relationship - act acoordingly.
posted by phrontist at 3:32 PM on March 19, 2007


Look, either she's freaked out, or she isn't. Ask her out, she can say "yes", or "no". The only uncertainy here is in your head, not hers.
posted by signal at 3:38 PM on March 19, 2007 [1 favorite]



I would also 2nd Pink in regards to the possible age issue, and with respect to that I would suggest treading lightly. An over-eager contact though any medium may only serve to reinforce possible worries about the age difference. I would suggest making contact but keeping things friendly on your end and letting the romantic elements come along slowly. You have a lot of negative older guy stereo-types (not that you’ve necessarily done anything to deserve them) working against you, which may make this a reach either way, but coming off as casual will go a long way to refute those perceptions.
posted by French Fry at 3:39 PM on March 19, 2007


First things first - chill out and stop obsessing. Stop hanging out by the computer waiting for her name to pop up on IM. Stop checking your phone compulsively. This is obviously intense for you, but you're just gonna freak her out* if you come on full force. Once again, relax and go on about your normal life and see if you can hang out with her or something. There's nothing wrong with the age difference imo.

*: speaking from experience.
posted by aeighty at 3:48 PM on March 19, 2007


You asked for her number, she gave you an IM screenname, and you entered YOUR number into her phone. So how did you get her number so that you were able to send a text to her phone? That part of the story is missing.

It's important, because if she called/texted you first, that's a good sign.
posted by banished at 3:55 PM on March 19, 2007


Response by poster: thanks by the answers so far.

i'll start clarifying. this question is Spain-based, so maybe there are some 'cultural' points that make this different. although any answer will be greatly welcome.

we both live with our parents. with the dismal housing prices here, i'm not the only one 25yo living with pop and mom :).

a group date would be a safe bet indeed, but I find them a bit difficult. as i said, i'm not a people person (by far) and probably i'd be overwhelmed even if only one friend of her showed up. bringing my own buddie would be strange and stressing, too :(
posted by ArchEnemy at 3:58 PM on March 19, 2007


wow, a lot of this advice sucks.

okay, buddy, this is what you're going to do. You're 25, she's 18. I'm going to ignore the probable parental problems, and just focus on how to get this girl.

You're not going to do anything today or tomorrow. You're also not going to send a text message to set up an IM conversation. That's stupid- that's what 18 year olds do. Instead, you're going to be focused and mature.

Tuesday night, you're going to text her and ask her if she wants to grab a cup of coffee. If she says she can't do it, but says Thursday or something, do it then, that's fine.

If she's in a perpetual hesitation, things aren't looking good. It'll probably be her parents, as girls love dating older guys.

If the coffee goes well, take her out to dinner on the weekend.

If you must stalk her, stalk her intelligently. She probably has a MySpace page and a Facebook account. Find it and go learn more about her.
posted by unexpected at 4:00 PM on March 19, 2007


Response by poster: @banished: ehm... i think i maybe broke the ettiquete there. she handed me her phone, I dialed my number and pressed 'call', so I had a missed call on mine. just as I did this, I thought it would have been more courteous to return the phone without having dialed. but i was in sort of a hurry and didn't give it a second thought until the next morning. so i suppose this puts my a bit on the 'creepy old guy' side.
posted by ArchEnemy at 4:07 PM on March 19, 2007


Uh, don't stalk her.
posted by phrontist at 4:12 PM on March 19, 2007


ya stole her digits!

girls that like guys give them their phone numbers when asked

"IM/myspace me" is the kiss o'death in most cases

sorry mate!

she has your digits now anyway, just forget about her and if she calls or texts then you got the upper hand, but play it cool, and arrange for a date and make your move

if she doesn't call or text or anything, then forgettaboutit

lots of girls out there
posted by Salvatorparadise at 4:13 PM on March 19, 2007


Best answer: When I was 18, my age limit on boyfriends was 30. I thought guys who were say, 7 years older, were all grown up and wise and mature and stuff. Be cool, not hot and bothered. Pursue occasionally (say once a week). Arrange a date in an interesting place with plenty of opportunities for conversation - art gallery, school fete/fair. Something quirky. Ask her about herself (interests, life dramas/tragedies) and really really listen without coming up with "oh, that reminds me of the time I...", just follow up, "oh and how did you feel about that?" or "what happened next?"

By not blurting out your lifestory, you might seem mysterious and exciting.
posted by b33j at 4:14 PM on March 19, 2007


I was that girl three years ago. If it's any encouragement, we're getting married now.

I would have been -very- offended that you got my number by sending a call to yourself when the intention was for you to simply type your number in. Doesn't mean you can't recover though. Just be available and don't push. Age doesn't matter... -eventually-. Any smart 18y/o girl would seriously examine the posibility of 'creepy older guy wants to get laid' before ignorning the age gap, because it -happens-.

Maintain conversation. Unexpected had good advice there.
posted by billy_the_punk at 4:17 PM on March 19, 2007


I think it is possible to recover from the phone number steal (if she did, in fact, view it as a negative) by following b33j's advice.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:25 PM on March 19, 2007 [1 favorite]


I would be very put off if a gentleman of any age texted or called me for a same day/night date. I expect to be important enough that a man would be willing to plan out a few days. So, it seems to me that it's now very early Tuesday where you are. Call or text her today. Let her know in your own words that you would like to spend some more time with her. Suggest coffee or other very public yet cozy, low key activity. Not a movie or a long walk on a beach.

Don't bring flowers, but if you got your St Patrick's Day hat back from her, you might give it to her again to keep, or some other small thing that she might have mentioned. Very small. Nothing more than, well, make it small.
posted by bilabial at 4:28 PM on March 19, 2007


I was 19 when my now-husband asked me out for the first time. He was 26. He was a wonderful gentleman, brought me a rose on each date, and got me a really nice Christmas gift and the most precious card I've ever received from anyone.

But when I was 19, I was really, really stupid. I was intelligent (I think so, anyway), and he knew that we were meant to be together, but I was too wrapped up in my own dumb world to realize it. So I told him I wasn't ready for anything serious, and we stopped dating.

Fast forward to age 21. Not much older, but a heckuva lot smarter and ready for a real relationship. I saw him in Wal-Mart and emailed him the next day. We got married 15 months later. We celebrated our 6-year anniversary last November and we're blissfully happy.

My best advice to you would be to not freak her out too much. Most teenage girls - even if they are intelligent and charming and great - are still teenagers. Try your best not to overwhelm her with gifts and sentiments, but do show her that you care, if you continue to care about her after you get to know each other better. Just don't go overboard or you might scare her away, especially if she realizes deep down that she cares about you, too.

Best wishes to you! I hope everything works out nicely.
posted by susiepie at 4:30 PM on March 19, 2007


I didn't even bother reading anything but the first sentence.

So here goes:

Rule #1: If you are nervous person around people, then you're going to have to push yourself a bit. Take a moment, when that rush of "oh my god, this isn't going to work" kick in, and say to yourself, "I'm not going to pass this opportunity up! If I don't at least try, I'll never get anything out of this."

I, too, was hit over the weekend my friend, and I can't fucking wait to get off of work and follow up. Be care-free but resolute, my friend! Don't worry about anything, otherwise you'll think everything is a mistake! You are good to go... like Jodi Foster in Contact!
posted by phaedon at 4:48 PM on March 19, 2007


You have to back away. Even if you two were the same age, it seems that you stole her number and are the only one making any effort.
If she calls/texts then you know she's interested. If not, find another girl.
posted by spork at 4:56 PM on March 19, 2007


For some reason, i thought the girl you were talking about was 21. oh well! 18, damn, you are playing a crazy game! you get the whole "on the down low" factor. i say you got to play your cards straight, and you got to play them fast. this is your golden opportunity to not have baggage!
posted by phaedon at 5:08 PM on March 19, 2007


I sound so sleazy.
posted by phaedon at 5:26 PM on March 19, 2007


it seems that you stole her number and are the only one making any effort.

this is inaccurate. She went out of her way to give you her screenname and texted you back. Sounds like she's interested to me, so don't give up or get down on yourself.

Young girls can be flighty, though. So don't take it as rejection if she forgets to log onto IM when she says she will. Go ahead and text her and ask her if she wants to hang out.
posted by drjimmy11 at 5:40 PM on March 19, 2007


oh and people are freaking out about "stealing" the number- but guess what? She texted you back. So she either a) doesn't care or b) liked it, because she answered and the answer wasn't "how did you get my number freak??"

Sounds like you're doing pretty damn good to me.
posted by drjimmy11 at 5:45 PM on March 19, 2007


Make sure she's actually 18.
posted by grouse at 5:51 PM on March 19, 2007 [1 favorite]


1. Do not, under any circumstances, send her a text message arranging an IM meet-up time. Sorry to the poster, but that might be the worst advice ever. Talk about geeky...

2. Are there any other girls/women on your radar at the moment? It sounds like you could use a little bit of backing off from this girl and if she's really obsessing you that much, the only way to do so might be go out on a date with another girl/woman.

3. If not, just back off. She's not going to (a) find a husband, (b) forget about you (unless she already has, in which case it doesn't matter), or (c) decide she [isn't into you|is freaked out by you] (unless she already has, in which case it doesn't matter), in the next 3 days. Whatever is the case now will be the case in 3 days. And you will seem way, WAY less stalker-ish if you give it a few days before contacting her again. Personally I don't really think anything you've done is that stalkerish--stealing her number? please she gave him her phone--but if you push it too hard right away it will quickly turn that direction, especially given the age difference, which gives you a solid headstart towards seeming like a stalker from the get-go.

If it's Tuesday morning today, send her a text message Wednesday afternoon, asking if she wants to do anything Thursday. If she says yes, good, if not, ask if she'd prefer another day. If she says yes, good, do it then. If she says no or says yes but keeps putting it off, drop it and move on.
posted by jckll at 6:09 PM on March 19, 2007


Best answer: Wow. Talk about the corrosive effects of technology.

Really, stop playing this video game with her. You've already met her, she likes you, the hard part is over. At this point there's only a single thing you need to say to her: I enjoying talking to you. You're great. When can I see you again?

Put the question out there and either she'll give you an answer or she won't. If she doesn't then move on. If she sounds hesitant be ready to take charge and suggest a meet up place and time.

As for the stalking vibe this is easily fixed: stop talking to her. Don't text her. Don't IM her. Don't email her. These things are poor substitutes that accomplish nothing. Your object is to spend time with her so, again, your only communication with her at this point should be finding a way to make that happen. The constant back-and-forth is lame, you know it and she knows it.

This isn't rocket science. There's just one thing you need to say her.
posted by nixerman at 7:57 PM on March 19, 2007


I'd say one of your biggest enemies in approaching any new relationship is desperation. Unfortunately, it's nearly impossible to mask.
posted by philosophistry at 8:33 PM on March 19, 2007 [2 favorites]


I'd like to get a date with a cool, intelligent, 18 years old girl that I met last saturday on a pub. I'm 25, haven't been in a relationship since I was 21 and don't know how to proceed.

Let me put this simple-like. Either you want to date her because you think there might be a chance at a nice relationship, or you want to date her to get in her pants. If it's the latter, ignore the following. I make no judgements.

If it's the former, I'd advise you take the experience as a confidence-bolster and let it be. Just about every woman on the planet goes through a fundamental shift in personality between the ages of 18 and 21, and if you're dating a girl on the front end of that equation, odds are you won't be at the latter. It's female puberty-redux, and it don't take no prisoners.

You've been warned.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 9:27 PM on March 19, 2007


I would definitely IM or text her and say that you enjoy spending time with her, and would she like to meet for coffee.

I think that's pretty low pressure, and not at all stalkery. That's more like the usual guy girl kind of interaction.

I don't think that the age difference is really that big of a deal, but I'm not her. It doesn't sound like you've had enough interaction with her to know how she feels about it. My advice is just to enjoy her company and not invest a lot of time thinking about the age difference. At this stage of things both of you are probably still just trying to figure out what exactly the relationship will be, and the best way to have a good outcome IMO would be to just have fun hanging out with her.
posted by jefeweiss at 4:53 AM on March 20, 2007


Echoing the back-off suggestion. Just remove yourself physically and emotionally from her for a few days, as impossible as that sounds. Stalking is tempting but just let it go. Turn off your computer. Busy yourself with other parts of your life in the interim.

As for all the age comments... I say ignore them. It totally depends on the two people involved; for many people the age gap could pose a problem but that's overgeneralizing and it doesn't take your personality as well as hers into consideration. She might be right for you, or you could find out she's extremely immature (or dirty, or dishonest, or... whatever. Doesn't have to be age-related).

You just have to take it one day at a time.

I was four days shy of turning 19 when I met my SO (who was 25) and we're still together four years later. I've definitely changed *a lot* during those four years but I have to say that most of those changes came from being with him. He taught me how to respect myself.
posted by Menomena at 5:58 AM on March 20, 2007


+1000 to nixerman's advice
posted by chundo at 8:21 AM on March 20, 2007


There is never something wrong with expressing appreciation of someone else and saying that you'd like to spend some time with them again in the future.

There is always something wrong with repeatedly expressing appreciation of someone and trying to spend time with them if they ignore you or tell you to fuck off.

All the sundry details around those two facts are just matters of common courtesy and are subject to minor cultural differences.

or, what nixerman said.
posted by phearlez at 9:11 AM on March 20, 2007


Response by poster: Well... let's call it a day. It's tuesday evening now. I haven't had much time to think of anything but work. And to make it better, I came home to find some toys I had ordered from Dell :), so my mind is clearer now.

All answers have been helpful and will be considered. I'll try to talk to her on IM this night if she shows up, and will call tomorrow if she doesn't. I think I'll mention I feel like I stole her phone number and apologize for it, to provide her with an easy, obvious exit strategy if she feels so. If I'm not hung up, well, I think it'd be the time to arrange a nice date for coffee or whatevershewants for Thursday evening.

Thanks again everybody.
posted by ArchEnemy at 1:13 PM on March 20, 2007


Response by poster: thursday evening. things never come as planned, and it has been today when i have finally spoken to her and ... i suppose it didn't go to well and not so bad. she already had something arranged for friday (which i knew of since last saturday) and said she would love to meet again saturday, same hour, same place.

i think that means that we will take on where we left a week ago, so that's fine. on second thought, i think it's better than any date i could have thought of. so, thanks one more time, mefi. you assisted me on my darkest hour :)
posted by ArchEnemy at 5:24 PM on March 22, 2007


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