How do you deal with the stress of customer service?
March 18, 2007 11:23 AM Subscribe
Any tricks or methods for dealing with post-bad customer stress? I work in customer service (at a library, so they're patrons actually) and find that one bad encounter can ruin my whole shift.
In my own case, I'm specifically talking about situations where I'm confronting a male (I am also male). Oftentimes both of us will get our blood boiling and, though I've never actually gotten in a fistfight with a patron (and of course I would never do this), it sometimes feels like it's not far off. How do you cool down or deal with the leftover stress after such an encounter? Somewhat related.
In my own case, I'm specifically talking about situations where I'm confronting a male (I am also male). Oftentimes both of us will get our blood boiling and, though I've never actually gotten in a fistfight with a patron (and of course I would never do this), it sometimes feels like it's not far off. How do you cool down or deal with the leftover stress after such an encounter? Somewhat related.
One option you might consider is joining the library_mofo community on Library Journal which exists pretty much to let off steam and there are a lot of other library workers there who are supportive and/or sympathetic.
You might also want to look into what parts of these interactions are causing you the most stress. Are you enforcing confusing or complicated policies? Do you feel that you're not supported or backed up by your management and.or colleagues? Do you feel that you're in danger? Feel free to talk to your boss or manager if these interactions are interferin with your ability to do your job or point to a suggested change in policy.
As far as cooling down, part of it involves removing yourself form the situation. Part of it, if possible, means splitting your professional "this is what I have to do for my job" role from your "this is the type of person I am" role. It can be hard to play the heavy for something that at the end of the day you might have worked out differently if you were just being a private citizen.
On the other hand, it's possible you just have a bad temper and are somehow letting the patrons "get to you" in which case, trying to find decent conflict management strategies is a good place to start. I've always found that I've sort of lost the battle when I start getting angry at someone in a situation where I'm the rule enforcer (imho), so try to find way to keep your cool when you're in the interaction, not just afterwards.
In any case, good luck working it out, not being able to enforce stupid policies with grouchy patrons was one of the things that made me not totally sorry to get out of public libraries.
posted by jessamyn at 11:52 AM on March 18, 2007
You might also want to look into what parts of these interactions are causing you the most stress. Are you enforcing confusing or complicated policies? Do you feel that you're not supported or backed up by your management and.or colleagues? Do you feel that you're in danger? Feel free to talk to your boss or manager if these interactions are interferin with your ability to do your job or point to a suggested change in policy.
As far as cooling down, part of it involves removing yourself form the situation. Part of it, if possible, means splitting your professional "this is what I have to do for my job" role from your "this is the type of person I am" role. It can be hard to play the heavy for something that at the end of the day you might have worked out differently if you were just being a private citizen.
On the other hand, it's possible you just have a bad temper and are somehow letting the patrons "get to you" in which case, trying to find decent conflict management strategies is a good place to start. I've always found that I've sort of lost the battle when I start getting angry at someone in a situation where I'm the rule enforcer (imho), so try to find way to keep your cool when you're in the interaction, not just afterwards.
In any case, good luck working it out, not being able to enforce stupid policies with grouchy patrons was one of the things that made me not totally sorry to get out of public libraries.
posted by jessamyn at 11:52 AM on March 18, 2007
See if you've got any books on meditation eastern philosophy in your library. Not to sound trite, but the whole detachment thing sounds like the sort of thing you need.
posted by Mr. Gunn at 11:57 AM on March 18, 2007
posted by Mr. Gunn at 11:57 AM on March 18, 2007
You've got to figure out a way to not get excited in the first place. I work in customer service also, and it takes me a few months (sometimes several months) in each new position to figure out how to deal with the typical bad customer for each new position. There are still a few things that will get me upset real quickly, but most things I simply shrug off. The more I got upset, the more the customer got upset, so we would both end up very upset. I figured out that by not getting upset in the first place, the customer also doesn't get upset. I usually would/do get upset at something the customer isn't trying to do to get me upset, just something that is annoying. So if I don't take offense when the customer unintentionally (and even sometimes intentionally) insults me, then it all works out much better. Plus if you get a really bad one, then you could always let you boss handle it (that's why they get paid more and assuming you're not the boss).
To answer your specific question, when I have a really bad one, I ask my boss if I can take a break immediately afterwards (it seems like I only get the terrible ones when I've skipped my break), and they can usually tell that I just had a terrible customer so they say yes. On my break, I concentrate on breathing, just trying to calm down. If there are other people back in the break room, I sometimes try to talk with them ("Can you guys believe this customer I just had? He X and Y! And then he Z!!!?!"). But sometimes it's hard to control my feelings when telling a story and I'm very upset, I just want to yell "WHAT A __ __!! WHO WOULD ___ !??!? ____!!", but that's wouldn't be a very polite conversation for the other people back there. And then they usually tell me about some bad customers they've had that night and maybe some terrible customers they've had recently, so we all commiserate and realize that we have just a small part in the whole crappy customer service business.
posted by philomathoholic at 11:57 AM on March 18, 2007
To answer your specific question, when I have a really bad one, I ask my boss if I can take a break immediately afterwards (it seems like I only get the terrible ones when I've skipped my break), and they can usually tell that I just had a terrible customer so they say yes. On my break, I concentrate on breathing, just trying to calm down. If there are other people back in the break room, I sometimes try to talk with them ("Can you guys believe this customer I just had? He X and Y! And then he Z!!!?!"). But sometimes it's hard to control my feelings when telling a story and I'm very upset, I just want to yell "WHAT A __ __!! WHO WOULD ___ !??!? ____!!", but that's wouldn't be a very polite conversation for the other people back there. And then they usually tell me about some bad customers they've had that night and maybe some terrible customers they've had recently, so we all commiserate and realize that we have just a small part in the whole crappy customer service business.
posted by philomathoholic at 11:57 AM on March 18, 2007
I know it's frustrating, but you'll either adjust to it over time, or you'll get out of the customer service industry and you won't need to deal with it (at least from that side of the counter).
One thing that worked for me when I worked in a restaurant was thinking, "Will this customer matter in 5 years? Will this even matter in 6 months?" The answer was only ever "Yes" once, and that was when a man insulted and disrespected my father (the owner of the restaurant), which really bothered me.
Other than that, I don't think there's much you can do.
posted by gursky at 11:57 AM on March 18, 2007
One thing that worked for me when I worked in a restaurant was thinking, "Will this customer matter in 5 years? Will this even matter in 6 months?" The answer was only ever "Yes" once, and that was when a man insulted and disrespected my father (the owner of the restaurant), which really bothered me.
Other than that, I don't think there's much you can do.
posted by gursky at 11:57 AM on March 18, 2007
Part of working in customer service is detatching yourself from all of these sort of interactions. That's why some people are better at it than others.
Start acting like you don't care and soon it will become how you actually feel.
posted by k8t at 12:06 PM on March 18, 2007
Start acting like you don't care and soon it will become how you actually feel.
posted by k8t at 12:06 PM on March 18, 2007
I work in a library, too, and all I can say is that some patrons just plain suck and are incorrigible. They get upset about the smallest things. "What do you mean I owe 25 cents? I turned that book in on time!" I am also a male, but the most heated situations I have are with females. Mothers, to be precise.
Some mothers think they can do no wrong and they get so upset if you tell their children to quiet down or not to run. They also get upset about lots of other stuff, too. I don't understand it. Maybe they feel they don't get the respect they deserve at home, so when they go out in public, they feel they should get extra respect. They want you to be completely deferential. Mothers get used to standing up for their kids, but they take it too far. It's almost like they think either they or their children are being attacked, when they are simply being asked to adhere to policies that apply to everyone equally. To be fair, most moms come in with their kids and are really kind and their kids are adorable.
OK, I know that was a tangent. So what I would say is, when you are upset with a patron, just remind yourself what an awesome public service the library provides and how lucky you are to be able to work for an organization that actually makes your community a better place. That always cheers me up. We get way more friendly patrons than unfriendly, and the friendly ones are totally worth the few headaches I get from jerks.
P.S. Mean, entitled, belligerent mothers please chill out! I know being a mom is tough, but take your aggression out on your husbands, not those of us who work in libraries, Starbucks, Sears, and the post office.
posted by HotPatatta at 12:16 PM on March 18, 2007
Some mothers think they can do no wrong and they get so upset if you tell their children to quiet down or not to run. They also get upset about lots of other stuff, too. I don't understand it. Maybe they feel they don't get the respect they deserve at home, so when they go out in public, they feel they should get extra respect. They want you to be completely deferential. Mothers get used to standing up for their kids, but they take it too far. It's almost like they think either they or their children are being attacked, when they are simply being asked to adhere to policies that apply to everyone equally. To be fair, most moms come in with their kids and are really kind and their kids are adorable.
OK, I know that was a tangent. So what I would say is, when you are upset with a patron, just remind yourself what an awesome public service the library provides and how lucky you are to be able to work for an organization that actually makes your community a better place. That always cheers me up. We get way more friendly patrons than unfriendly, and the friendly ones are totally worth the few headaches I get from jerks.
P.S. Mean, entitled, belligerent mothers please chill out! I know being a mom is tough, but take your aggression out on your husbands, not those of us who work in libraries, Starbucks, Sears, and the post office.
posted by HotPatatta at 12:16 PM on March 18, 2007
vito90's post here might help, but I think that letting those types of things roll off of you is actually a skill that needs to be developed. I worked retail during high school, and I have a theory that the world would be a much better place if everyone was forced to work in the customer service industry for one Christmas season.
The time I spent in retail and other life experiences have taught me the hard way that it's unhealthy to dwell and fret too much over things that I can't control, but I still find that I need to remind myself of that fact regularly.
posted by amarynth at 12:26 PM on March 18, 2007
The time I spent in retail and other life experiences have taught me the hard way that it's unhealthy to dwell and fret too much over things that I can't control, but I still find that I need to remind myself of that fact regularly.
posted by amarynth at 12:26 PM on March 18, 2007
If you're at a computer - write them an email. In detail - what you think of them, and why, what happened, whatever you want to say. Write it like you were really going to send it to them - get your spelling and grammar right. Send it to yourself (at home, not at work).
At home, keep a folder of them, and read them when you're stressed at your next job. Or the subsequent one. Detaching is great if you can do it, but for those of us who can't, a sense of proportion may be all we can hope for.
posted by EllenC at 12:38 PM on March 18, 2007
At home, keep a folder of them, and read them when you're stressed at your next job. Or the subsequent one. Detaching is great if you can do it, but for those of us who can't, a sense of proportion may be all we can hope for.
posted by EllenC at 12:38 PM on March 18, 2007
k8t is saying, "Fake it 'til you make it", which really works. (Apologies if I have put words in your mouth you did not mean. I wouldn't do that knowingly.)
I either remove myself afterwards until I can get over it, or if I can't, I just make it a point to be absolutely the nicest person on Earth to the next one, and I find I get over it faster when I do that. I have no idea why it works; see above, maybe. YMMV.
posted by unrepentanthippie at 12:40 PM on March 18, 2007
I either remove myself afterwards until I can get over it, or if I can't, I just make it a point to be absolutely the nicest person on Earth to the next one, and I find I get over it faster when I do that. I have no idea why it works; see above, maybe. YMMV.
posted by unrepentanthippie at 12:40 PM on March 18, 2007
What Mr. Gunn said.
posted by unknowncommand at 12:46 PM on March 18, 2007
posted by unknowncommand at 12:46 PM on March 18, 2007
Response by poster: Thanks for all these great comments. In the nearly six years, I've been at my current public library job, there have only been two patrons that get me this worked up - and both of these are rude males who consistently and pretty flagrantly ignore policy.
I have spoken to management & in one case they've actually had the guy in the CEO's office and agreed afterwards that he was very difficult to deal with and potentially violent. Still, as a member of the public, he is of course entitled to keep using the facilities (that guy's supposed to be on his last warning, but whatever).
It can be very frustrating, and I guess part of the motivation for my post was to vent (I'll join that LJ group, thanks Jessamyn). I take the work here every seriously and I admit that I am protective of the library and all the other wonderful patrons here. In some ways, this could contribute to the problem as I almost feel that I personally am not being respected if the rules here are not followed.
Mean mothers can certainly be a pain HotPatatta, but I find them more amusing than really disturbing (at least after the fact). In the two cases I refer to, I really wonder sometimes if I'm going to be jumped after work someday, or get beat up, or have my tires slashed or something.
I've attended courses on dealing with disruptive or problem patrons, but this sort of intimidation isn't really dealt with in such classes beyond the stipulation that "threats of harm should be taken very seriously" or "report this to your superiors" or some such vague and frankly unhelpful advice.
My wife, who also works in libraries, is able to just sort of laugh off problem patrons, but I just find they stick with me long after they're gone. I think, as dumb as it sounds, perhaps I just don't like feeling that I've made anyone that angry.
posted by stinkycheese at 12:47 PM on March 18, 2007
I have spoken to management & in one case they've actually had the guy in the CEO's office and agreed afterwards that he was very difficult to deal with and potentially violent. Still, as a member of the public, he is of course entitled to keep using the facilities (that guy's supposed to be on his last warning, but whatever).
It can be very frustrating, and I guess part of the motivation for my post was to vent (I'll join that LJ group, thanks Jessamyn). I take the work here every seriously and I admit that I am protective of the library and all the other wonderful patrons here. In some ways, this could contribute to the problem as I almost feel that I personally am not being respected if the rules here are not followed.
Mean mothers can certainly be a pain HotPatatta, but I find them more amusing than really disturbing (at least after the fact). In the two cases I refer to, I really wonder sometimes if I'm going to be jumped after work someday, or get beat up, or have my tires slashed or something.
I've attended courses on dealing with disruptive or problem patrons, but this sort of intimidation isn't really dealt with in such classes beyond the stipulation that "threats of harm should be taken very seriously" or "report this to your superiors" or some such vague and frankly unhelpful advice.
My wife, who also works in libraries, is able to just sort of laugh off problem patrons, but I just find they stick with me long after they're gone. I think, as dumb as it sounds, perhaps I just don't like feeling that I've made anyone that angry.
posted by stinkycheese at 12:47 PM on March 18, 2007
Contrary to what works for EllenC, I find that when I'm upset about a customer (when I have worked retail) or a student (when I have taught), it is counterproductive to write up a big letter to myself explaining why the other guy was wrong, wrong, wrong, and I was right, right, right. I get really into it, thinking of the best ways to phrase their horrible trespasses, and I work myself up even more. Since most of these interactions are one-offs, really the goal is to let it go, to detach yourself from that negative event and free yourself to move forward and feel good the rest of the day. Focussing on the event by writing a letter has the opposite effect for me, YMMV.
The things that do work for me:
a.) not get into, not think it's possible to get into, a contest of wills, when I'm the person in charge. The rules of the space that you're enforcing are non-negotiable, no matter how charming or mean the other guy is. What you say, goes. This mainly involves just projecting peaceful confidence, rather than projecting a "will you take me seriously?" vibe. I'm not always great about this.
b.) come away from the exchange thinking "ok, wow. Deep breaths. What a jerk. I'm very lucky not to be that kind of person." (Rather than "what did I do to deserve that? why didn't he see what a reasonable, likeable guy I am?" -- it's not about you. It's about them being a jerk. They have to live with their own crappy demeanor; sad for them.)
c.) a few minutes of mindless physical task (reshelving, filing, walking up stairs to drop off a message, etc) to ride out the adrenaline. "Ok, my day is moving on. Other things to get done."
posted by LobsterMitten at 1:12 PM on March 18, 2007 [1 favorite]
The things that do work for me:
a.) not get into, not think it's possible to get into, a contest of wills, when I'm the person in charge. The rules of the space that you're enforcing are non-negotiable, no matter how charming or mean the other guy is. What you say, goes. This mainly involves just projecting peaceful confidence, rather than projecting a "will you take me seriously?" vibe. I'm not always great about this.
b.) come away from the exchange thinking "ok, wow. Deep breaths. What a jerk. I'm very lucky not to be that kind of person." (Rather than "what did I do to deserve that? why didn't he see what a reasonable, likeable guy I am?" -- it's not about you. It's about them being a jerk. They have to live with their own crappy demeanor; sad for them.)
c.) a few minutes of mindless physical task (reshelving, filing, walking up stairs to drop off a message, etc) to ride out the adrenaline. "Ok, my day is moving on. Other things to get done."
posted by LobsterMitten at 1:12 PM on March 18, 2007 [1 favorite]
Wow - sounds like your question is more "How do I deal with mentally ill people who fixate on me?" That's bad -- maybe you could talk to a mental health professional about strategies for these specific guys? If you really feel threatened, personally targetted, maybe it would be worth talking to the police to give them a heads-up and ask if there's anything they would recommend?
posted by LobsterMitten at 1:16 PM on March 18, 2007
posted by LobsterMitten at 1:16 PM on March 18, 2007
I always think to myself in these situations "wow, that person's life must suck." Not to feel sorry for them, but to feel good about the fact that whatever issues I might have, they're not so bad that I have to freak out on library workers, bus drivers, wait staff, &c.
posted by oneirodynia at 1:18 PM on March 18, 2007
posted by oneirodynia at 1:18 PM on March 18, 2007
A bit random here, but do you have Notes from a Defeatist in your library? I was just flipping through it this morning, and it's got several pages about the trials of, yes, working in a library.
posted by kmennie at 1:30 PM on March 18, 2007
posted by kmennie at 1:30 PM on March 18, 2007
I have spoken to management & in one case they've actually had the guy in the CEO's office and agreed afterwards that he was very difficult to deal with and potentially violent. Still, as a member of the public, he is of course entitled to keep using the facilities (that guy's supposed to be on his last warning, but whatever).
Potentially violent in what way? Has he made threats? Does he direct obscenities and abusive language towards the staff?
You may not want to get into the specific details here in a public forum. But if this guy has threatened you or anyone at the library, he has forfeited his right to use the library system. And IANAL but I suspect that the library could be held legally liable if this guy flipped out and actually hurt someone on library grounds after demonstrating a pattern of threatening, potentially violent behavior. In any event, let him order from fuckin' Amazon if he doesn't know how to act in public.
If I made a habit of going into a bar or a restaurant and acting like an asshole, after a certain point, they'd just 86 me.
posted by jason's_planet at 1:38 PM on March 18, 2007
Potentially violent in what way? Has he made threats? Does he direct obscenities and abusive language towards the staff?
You may not want to get into the specific details here in a public forum. But if this guy has threatened you or anyone at the library, he has forfeited his right to use the library system. And IANAL but I suspect that the library could be held legally liable if this guy flipped out and actually hurt someone on library grounds after demonstrating a pattern of threatening, potentially violent behavior. In any event, let him order from fuckin' Amazon if he doesn't know how to act in public.
If I made a habit of going into a bar or a restaurant and acting like an asshole, after a certain point, they'd just 86 me.
posted by jason's_planet at 1:38 PM on March 18, 2007
I've done customer service over the telephone before. That was made a lot easier by not being face-to-face with the problem customer, but I think the same principle will apply. Don't get mad in the first place, and in order not to get mad, remember that it isn't personal. This has two parts:
1. His problem is not with you.
You don't make people angry in your customer service role. Either someone else's mistake, or a library policy, or a tight circumstance the patron has found himself in through no fault of yours, has made him angry. He can't yell/fight/whine at whoever made the original mistake, or whoever made the policy, or whoever caused his problem (possibly even himself), so he yells at "you," not "stinkycheese you," but "representative of the library you." He may blame you for the problem, but it is because he sees you as the embodiment of the library. When he says "you," you should hear "the library." "You're telling me that you expect me to pay this fine!?" = "The library is telling me that the library expects me to pay this fine!?" He is yelling at you because he has bad manners, but that doesn't matter and it brings us to part 2.
2. You and he have not gotten together in order to become friends; you have gotten together in order to resolve a problem.
It's better to think of unreasonable patrons not as people, but as walking problems-to-be-resolved. He's a jerk? He thinks you're mean/incompetent/unfair and he doesn't like you? It doesn't really matter. All you have to do is hear the problem, and resolve it. "You're telling me you expect me to pay the %#&)(&% fines, you )&$)#&$)#)?" filters to "The library is telling me that the library expects me to pay these fines, which I feel are being charged unfairly?" So then you find out whether a mistake was made, and if one wasn't explain the policy or whatever you're supposed to do, and when he says "That's B#^&*(@!", you will hear "I feel that this is unfair." And when he says "F%$# You!", you will hear "I feel that the library's policy is unreasonable." And you will think "Gee, this guy has anger issues," not "This %^&()%$ is dissing me! I want to hit him!" or "I made him mad and now I feel bad about myself!" And when he storms away you'll be glad to be rid of him and on to the next task.
Again, I know all of that is a lot easier over the phone than in person, but I still hope you'll find it helpful.
posted by textilephile at 1:47 PM on March 18, 2007
1. His problem is not with you.
You don't make people angry in your customer service role. Either someone else's mistake, or a library policy, or a tight circumstance the patron has found himself in through no fault of yours, has made him angry. He can't yell/fight/whine at whoever made the original mistake, or whoever made the policy, or whoever caused his problem (possibly even himself), so he yells at "you," not "stinkycheese you," but "representative of the library you." He may blame you for the problem, but it is because he sees you as the embodiment of the library. When he says "you," you should hear "the library." "You're telling me that you expect me to pay this fine!?" = "The library is telling me that the library expects me to pay this fine!?" He is yelling at you because he has bad manners, but that doesn't matter and it brings us to part 2.
2. You and he have not gotten together in order to become friends; you have gotten together in order to resolve a problem.
It's better to think of unreasonable patrons not as people, but as walking problems-to-be-resolved. He's a jerk? He thinks you're mean/incompetent/unfair and he doesn't like you? It doesn't really matter. All you have to do is hear the problem, and resolve it. "You're telling me you expect me to pay the %#&)(&% fines, you )&$)#&$)#)?" filters to "The library is telling me that the library expects me to pay these fines, which I feel are being charged unfairly?" So then you find out whether a mistake was made, and if one wasn't explain the policy or whatever you're supposed to do, and when he says "That's B#^&*(@!", you will hear "I feel that this is unfair." And when he says "F%$# You!", you will hear "I feel that the library's policy is unreasonable." And you will think "Gee, this guy has anger issues," not "This %^&()%$ is dissing me! I want to hit him!" or "I made him mad and now I feel bad about myself!" And when he storms away you'll be glad to be rid of him and on to the next task.
Again, I know all of that is a lot easier over the phone than in person, but I still hope you'll find it helpful.
posted by textilephile at 1:47 PM on March 18, 2007
I find a combination of laughing and pitying to be a good way of dealing with rude people. It's taken me about 3 years to get to the point where I can do this, but it's well worth the effort.
Re writing a letter, just try it. See how you feel afterwards. if you've gotten the bile out, and are chilled, then it works for you. But you might find, as someone else said, that it works you up more. You wont find out which type of person you are until you try.
I find if I can look down on someone, or laugh about it afterwards, I get calmer much more quickly. Something else I think to myself is this - to be offended by someone's opinion of me, I have to respect their opinion. If I don't know someone, I don't respect them. Ergo, their opinion of me is null and void. Which prevents me from getting worked up.
posted by Solomon at 2:06 PM on March 18, 2007
Re writing a letter, just try it. See how you feel afterwards. if you've gotten the bile out, and are chilled, then it works for you. But you might find, as someone else said, that it works you up more. You wont find out which type of person you are until you try.
I find if I can look down on someone, or laugh about it afterwards, I get calmer much more quickly. Something else I think to myself is this - to be offended by someone's opinion of me, I have to respect their opinion. If I don't know someone, I don't respect them. Ergo, their opinion of me is null and void. Which prevents me from getting worked up.
posted by Solomon at 2:06 PM on March 18, 2007
Response by poster: I was trying to formulate a normative question based on my own obviously subjective experience, so I don't want to derail too much onto my own specifics and lose the point.
In enforcing the rules of my workplace, I find that the negativity stays with me far longer than the positive, that it has more power if you will. Every day I deal with mostly-lovely people and that is something a lot of people can't say in their day-to-day life. I'm well aware of how lucky I am, in that regard.
Having said that, of course one also comes across the occcassional total jerk. It could be, in the case of a public library, rude noisy teens, or inebriated, and/or unstable persons, or any number of other characters.
I find that, when I deal with these people, I stay locked in that cautious, tense mode the rest of the shift (and sometimes even after I get home). Some of this tension may well be due to physical concerns such as I outlined earlier, but I think more and more that the problem is really mental or emotional. It disturbs me is the simplest way I can put it.
Anyways, there's lots of helpful stuff here, thanks again. Oh, and my library has some Joe Sacco, but we don't have "Notes From A Defeatist". I'll have to recommend we get it. Our Eastern philiosophy section's OK, and actually one of my own more-well travelled portions of the catalogue.
posted by stinkycheese at 2:19 PM on March 18, 2007
In enforcing the rules of my workplace, I find that the negativity stays with me far longer than the positive, that it has more power if you will. Every day I deal with mostly-lovely people and that is something a lot of people can't say in their day-to-day life. I'm well aware of how lucky I am, in that regard.
Having said that, of course one also comes across the occcassional total jerk. It could be, in the case of a public library, rude noisy teens, or inebriated, and/or unstable persons, or any number of other characters.
I find that, when I deal with these people, I stay locked in that cautious, tense mode the rest of the shift (and sometimes even after I get home). Some of this tension may well be due to physical concerns such as I outlined earlier, but I think more and more that the problem is really mental or emotional. It disturbs me is the simplest way I can put it.
Anyways, there's lots of helpful stuff here, thanks again. Oh, and my library has some Joe Sacco, but we don't have "Notes From A Defeatist". I'll have to recommend we get it. Our Eastern philiosophy section's OK, and actually one of my own more-well travelled portions of the catalogue.
posted by stinkycheese at 2:19 PM on March 18, 2007
I've got through painful customer-service interactions in the past by kind of flipping it around: it's still a conflict situation, it's still an adversarial relationship, but I tell myself I can only win by getting the other person to back down/be calm.
So it's like a game, and I get to win only by remaining calm and forcing the other guy to calm down too. That way you don't feel you've lost, or lost face, by giving in to the client's anger, you feel the opposite. You think to yourself "Sucker! You started out all angry and I've deprived you of your anger and tricked you into being polite and helpful!".
A couple of tricks that come to mind are
posted by AmbroseChapel at 3:49 PM on March 18, 2007
So it's like a game, and I get to win only by remaining calm and forcing the other guy to calm down too. That way you don't feel you've lost, or lost face, by giving in to the client's anger, you feel the opposite. You think to yourself "Sucker! You started out all angry and I've deprived you of your anger and tricked you into being polite and helpful!".
A couple of tricks that come to mind are
- Write everything down, slowly. You're taking them seriously, you're hearing their complaint, and you write it out, longhand, rather laboriously. That way the client thinks they'll never get finished unless they focus, and hopefully they focus on the problem and edit their rant down to something more manageable
- Validate their precious feelings at every turn. If they say "my computer keeps crashing!" you say "wow, that must be really frustrating!" -- now they're pretty much guaranteed to say "yes, it is!" and now the two of you are agreeing and you've turned the relationship into something more like a counselling session than attack/defense.
posted by AmbroseChapel at 3:49 PM on March 18, 2007
How do you cool down or deal with the leftover stress after such an encounter?
It sounds as though you have a tendency to ruminate about these encounters after they happen. As someone who is working on overcoming his own issues with rumination and anxiety, I can tell you that it may feel like problem solving, but it's actually counter-productive. One good strategy is to distract yourself, and thereby interrupt the negative and self-perpetuating cycle of thoughts that only amplify the frustration and anger caused by the negative encounter.
A few techniques that a psychologist might suggest: pick up a small object and examine it carefully (to refocus your attention on something else), imagine putting your anger in a box and burning it, tell yourself "I'm worked up now, so I give myself permission to not think about this until tomorrow morning" (it won't seem to matter nearly as much if you give it a little time).
Society tells us to vent our feelings so that we don't "bottle them up," but in the case of feelings of anger, the venting and ruminating on the encounter actually causes us to feel the anger more intensely than if we shift our focus to something else and move on with our lives. This can be extremely difficult at first, but if you work on it over time it WILL get easier.
Good luck, it's not an easy situation for anyone to deal with calmly.
posted by man on the run at 4:44 PM on March 18, 2007 [3 favorites]
It sounds as though you have a tendency to ruminate about these encounters after they happen. As someone who is working on overcoming his own issues with rumination and anxiety, I can tell you that it may feel like problem solving, but it's actually counter-productive. One good strategy is to distract yourself, and thereby interrupt the negative and self-perpetuating cycle of thoughts that only amplify the frustration and anger caused by the negative encounter.
A few techniques that a psychologist might suggest: pick up a small object and examine it carefully (to refocus your attention on something else), imagine putting your anger in a box and burning it, tell yourself "I'm worked up now, so I give myself permission to not think about this until tomorrow morning" (it won't seem to matter nearly as much if you give it a little time).
Society tells us to vent our feelings so that we don't "bottle them up," but in the case of feelings of anger, the venting and ruminating on the encounter actually causes us to feel the anger more intensely than if we shift our focus to something else and move on with our lives. This can be extremely difficult at first, but if you work on it over time it WILL get easier.
Good luck, it's not an easy situation for anyone to deal with calmly.
posted by man on the run at 4:44 PM on March 18, 2007 [3 favorites]
Picture them in their underwear. Being killed.
posted by longsleeves at 8:34 PM on March 18, 2007
posted by longsleeves at 8:34 PM on March 18, 2007
I did retail & then circulation/recall in a library for a number of years. Seriously, vito80's gin&tonic comment in the vegetarian thread yesterday is pretty much what I would go with. Reprinted here for your convenience, linked for the heck of it:
The other thing I've done is walk away when it was just getting to be too much. Someone, anyone, but supervisor is ideal, "Mr. Asshat here needs some assistance. (Explain the issue in as neutral terms as you can muster). My understanding is (the reality of the situation). Perhaps you can work with him. kthxbye! (Beat hasty retreat before they tell you that you're doing fine or whatever)."
I so prefer dealing with this stuff in email, you have my utmost sympathies.
posted by susanbeeswax at 10:39 PM on March 18, 2007
...whenever you have a customer that exhibits any kind of behavior that drives you nuts, just treat them with kindness and give them good service and think to yourself "For the rest of my life, everytime I'm out drinking gin and tonics with other service industry people, I will tell the story of what a douchebag you are".Also, have you seen the geek video of the guy explaining how to parse commas, periods, dashes, and random words that seems to go 'round every six months or so? Bah, my google-fu is failing me tonight or I'd link it. Anyway. Suffice to say "Thank you" in the best customer service tone of voice sounds sincere, but in fact means something entirely else. And it's also ok to fill in every blank where you would put a comma if you were writing instead of talking with "asshat" in your mind. Be careful of using your outloud voice by accident though.
The other thing I've done is walk away when it was just getting to be too much. Someone, anyone, but supervisor is ideal, "Mr. Asshat here needs some assistance. (Explain the issue in as neutral terms as you can muster). My understanding is (the reality of the situation). Perhaps you can work with him. kthxbye! (Beat hasty retreat before they tell you that you're doing fine or whatever)."
I so prefer dealing with this stuff in email, you have my utmost sympathies.
posted by susanbeeswax at 10:39 PM on March 18, 2007
Lots of good advice here. Something that's proven effective for me ...
[derail]
I work in telephone-based sales, and before you all lynch me it's B2B inbound established accounts for a very large computer company, not calling you at dinnertime to sell magazines
[/derail]
... is, after a difficult conversation, to step away from my desk, go to the bathroom, and wash my hands and face. Takes about 5 minutes, breaks the routine, and I use that ritual to visualize all the "bad energy" washing away as well. It's surprisingly effective.
posted by ZakDaddy at 10:44 PM on March 18, 2007
[derail]
I work in telephone-based sales, and before you all lynch me it's B2B inbound established accounts for a very large computer company, not calling you at dinnertime to sell magazines
[/derail]
... is, after a difficult conversation, to step away from my desk, go to the bathroom, and wash my hands and face. Takes about 5 minutes, breaks the routine, and I use that ritual to visualize all the "bad energy" washing away as well. It's surprisingly effective.
posted by ZakDaddy at 10:44 PM on March 18, 2007
Oh yeah, and the let it go comments -- I used to come home and take a long bath or shower & literally "wash the people off." And if you have a co-worker that you can get a little positively snarky with to let off some steam about situations like these, to make fun of it all, get some good belly laughs out of the situation, I find that also helps. We laugh that we may not cry.
Also not caring *that* much in the first place is helpful. It's not about you, they have issues, that's their dog, not your dog... (I know it's hard not to get annoyed when their dog is peeing on your shoe, but when they leave it's still their crappy dog & not *your* crappy dog. Sorry about that soggy shoe, though...).
And loquacious 's little gem of a mantra has also proven very useful to repeat until one can take a full deep breath again:
posted by susanbeeswax at 10:52 PM on March 18, 2007 [1 favorite]
Also not caring *that* much in the first place is helpful. It's not about you, they have issues, that's their dog, not your dog... (I know it's hard not to get annoyed when their dog is peeing on your shoe, but when they leave it's still their crappy dog & not *your* crappy dog. Sorry about that soggy shoe, though...).
And loquacious 's little gem of a mantra has also proven very useful to repeat until one can take a full deep breath again:
I must not care.Yeah. Public-facing service... good times, good times...
Care is the mind-fucker.
Care is the belittling breath that brings unwanted obligation.
I will face my cares.
I will tell them to fuck off and ignore them.
And when they have gone past I will turn the inner eye to see their path.
Where the cares have gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
posted by susanbeeswax at 10:52 PM on March 18, 2007 [1 favorite]
Blog. Seriously. When I started blogging about customers and coworkers who infuriated me, I started seeing every incident of bad behavior as material. It didn't completely stop the irritation and anger that I felt while it was happening, but it certainly mitigated those feelings because as I was being berated by a customer I would be thinking, "how am I going to write about this?" And once people started reading the blog and commenting, I felt validated, and "heard."
posted by ereshkigal45 at 11:25 PM on March 18, 2007
posted by ereshkigal45 at 11:25 PM on March 18, 2007
Been there. Many times. And it's always worse when you like what you do and care about it, because deep down you feel like the asshole customers don't care, which makes it worse.
I like to think of them as extras in the movie of life.
posted by Atom12 at 7:28 AM on March 19, 2007
I like to think of them as extras in the movie of life.
posted by Atom12 at 7:28 AM on March 19, 2007
I completely agree with amarynth's theory that the world would be so much kinder if everyone had to work in the service industry for even just a month (especially December). But since people are allowed to choose what they do, you will always have people that suck and see you as less important.
I've been in the industry for probably too long. A few things I've learned:
- Kill them with kindness. Yes, it sucks when all you want to do is yell, but this is the only real way to win. While they're ranting, give them your best fake smile. Seriously, that will bother them SO much considering they want a rise out of you. When they don't get it, they'll get bored.
-If they are truly disrespectful, I don't care how much you pay me, its not enough. Use this line, "Sir/Ma'am, I'm trying to help you but if you keep swearing/belittling me/other asshole like things, I'm going to walk away." And if they keep it up, do it.
- Remember that your interaction with them is only a fraction of your day. Drill into your head that yah, they make you feel like crap for a minute but that person has to live with their misery forever. Just be glad you're not like them.
- When you've had a bad encounter, turn the karma around. Go to Starbucks and smile at the barista. Try to make them laugh. Leave them a tip. Walk away knowing that you may have been the nicest person they see all day. Then think about that, not the d-bags.
posted by smeater44 at 10:17 AM on March 19, 2007
I've been in the industry for probably too long. A few things I've learned:
- Kill them with kindness. Yes, it sucks when all you want to do is yell, but this is the only real way to win. While they're ranting, give them your best fake smile. Seriously, that will bother them SO much considering they want a rise out of you. When they don't get it, they'll get bored.
-If they are truly disrespectful, I don't care how much you pay me, its not enough. Use this line, "Sir/Ma'am, I'm trying to help you but if you keep swearing/belittling me/other asshole like things, I'm going to walk away." And if they keep it up, do it.
- Remember that your interaction with them is only a fraction of your day. Drill into your head that yah, they make you feel like crap for a minute but that person has to live with their misery forever. Just be glad you're not like them.
- When you've had a bad encounter, turn the karma around. Go to Starbucks and smile at the barista. Try to make them laugh. Leave them a tip. Walk away knowing that you may have been the nicest person they see all day. Then think about that, not the d-bags.
posted by smeater44 at 10:17 AM on March 19, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by erikharmon at 11:50 AM on March 18, 2007