Wow! Girls can be mean!
March 14, 2007 9:45 AM   Subscribe

Hooboy. So my girlfriend is recently being snubbed by her circle of (so called) girl friends. She feels quite hurt and rejected.

First off, I need ideas as to what I could do to make her feel better instantly. Also, I'm generally pretty cheesy when I do stuff for her but I think this calls for something a little more sincere. What sincere things can I do?
posted by Totally Zanzibarin' Ya to Human Relations (17 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
Sincerity is always best guaranteed by your personal knowledge and personal thought.
posted by OmieWise at 9:54 AM on March 14, 2007

I would take her out to something that's exclusively you two - some place that you've been and enjoyed as a couple, but where she hasn't been with her friends and won't be reminded of them. If my girlfriend were in the position that yours is, I would take her to the zoo, to one of our favorite restaurants, or on a long walk we took on an early date, but you'll know the kind of things that she'll remember fondly. Just show her that you've been there and will be there for her regardless of how friendless she feels.

My other advice is for you to listen to her side of the story and let her vent without offering any advice or suggestions whatsoever. In my experience, guy suggestions are inevitably inapplicable to close girlfriend relationships.
posted by pocams at 9:57 AM on March 14, 2007 [3 favorites]

do her dishes.
posted by Stynxno at 9:58 AM on March 14, 2007

any reason why she is being snubbed?

the reason will determine how the snubbing affects her and thus may indicate to you how you can provide assurance/comfort to her...
posted by koahiatamadl at 9:59 AM on March 14, 2007

any reason why she is being snubbed?

She doesn't know. I have seen these ladies snub others before. They tend to think of their group as fairly exclusive. I've told her that she doesn't need friends like that and she tends to agree, but being rejected still sucks.
posted by Totally Zanzibarin' Ya at 10:11 AM on March 14, 2007

Girlfriend of how long?

A gift for her to open when you're not there, with a card that says something to the effect of, "You're a better friend than they deserve. Hell, you're a better friend than I deserve :) "

Just something to make her feel better at a time when you're not there actively doing so.
posted by hermitosis at 10:11 AM on March 14, 2007

Couple stuff is great, but she may be feeling a need to socialize with a larger group and be unable to do that. Can you organize a dinner party and invite a small group of mutual friends?

You and she are the best judges of whether or not she'd like this. But sometimes people need a jolt that reminds them that their shitty friends are not the only possible friends for them.
posted by grumblebee at 10:15 AM on March 14, 2007

Bring her some flowers, look her in the eye and say "This thing with the friends? What is this fifth grade? Let's go have some fun." Then take her out to a nice dinner, somewhere with dim lighting and get a little drunk and tell a bunch of jokes.
posted by Divine_Wino at 10:16 AM on March 14, 2007 [2 favorites]

What pocams said.
posted by roll truck roll at 10:25 AM on March 14, 2007

It really depends. If it was my girlfriend, and she were being snubbed by her group of friends, nothing would help. Nothing at all. But different people will have different reactions to such things.
posted by antifuse at 10:25 AM on March 14, 2007

Thirding pocams. Tread warily before insulting this particular snub-happy group of friends (let her do it and, if so, cautiously agree) or mocking the significance of having friends (she won't do it). Do not, in general, volunteer anything that could be understood as diminishing the significance of her concerns -- this may be rule number one for maintaining a strife-free relationship.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 11:07 AM on March 14, 2007

Indeed, it will be a very sensitive topic. I've dealt with the snubbed girlfriend thing in the past. It turns out, girls can be bitches to other girls. For no. Good. Reason. It makes them feel better about themselves, gives them this superiority and a sense of exclusivity and also succeeds at making the girl feel pretty worthless and like she doesn't have any friends. (Admittedly, she probably needs to find new ones if her current ones do the snubbing thing. That's what I refer to as a "dick move" and not acceptable by ANYone considered an actual friend.)

Tread lightly. Having your close circle of confidants and people you consider your friends suddenly reject you is a MAJOR blow, to yourself but also to your pride, and sometimes having someone else (you, in this case) bear witness to it is even more embarrassing and upsetting and something she doesn't want you to see. Let her set the terms of how you go about talking to her about it, and what you do. She'll give subtle hints, be cautious and pick up on them. Don't go nuts. Further down the road, perhaps introduce her to any girl-friends you know that might get along, or some such.

Do NOT obsess about the whys of the snubbery. It's pointless bitchism on the party of her so-called friends, and beyond definition, in most cases. Clearly, if your girlfriend was doing something wildly wrong or horrible, then you need to identify that and find a way to broach it. I HIGHLY doubt that's the case, because as I said before: this happens for no good reason with total bitches.

She may obsess about the whys. Let her have her time to talk to you, be there for you, and encourage her, but don't lay it on too thick—it'll lose its meaning, because you're biased after all and that's not the point. Try to move her away from obsessing/thinking about it too much, and just work on having fun and focusing on other activities and the like.

Again, don't bring it up if she doesn't—she might want some distance from the sting, and the last thing she wants is that rejection cast back into the light of day again, even by you, someone who cares, saying something presumably nice.

Tread lightly, love a lot, try to distract in a sense, but be there if she needs you to talk to. Agree, but don't just nod your head nonstop. Let her do the talking.
posted by disillusioned at 11:53 AM on March 14, 2007 [1 favorite]

It might be helpful for you to learn more about the twisted rules of womens' friendships. There are a lot of books about the snubbing phenomenon in teen girls (the biggies, I think, are Odd Girl Out and Queen Bees and Wannabes) but Amazon also has one about adult friendships: Mean Girls Grown Up: Adult Women Who Are Still Queen Bees, Middle Bees, and Afraid-to-Bees.

Reading something like that will probably help you better understand the situation, and help your girlfriend look at it from a less personal/ more rational point of view.
posted by chickletworks at 12:15 PM on March 14, 2007

Thanks everyone.
posted by Totally Zanzibarin' Ya at 12:50 PM on March 14, 2007

When friends (regardless of gender) drop off of the face of the earth or cut me out of their lives, it is for a reason. I don't always know the reason (which means it was something going on in the person's life that I wasn't aware of) and it generally does suck, but that is how it happens. I haven't really dealt with any of the social pecking order bullshit since junior high because I figured out pretty quickly that I have no interest in dealing with that sort dynamic. I want to be friends with people who want to be friends with me and I'm not the sort to try to win someone over. While I like to think of myself as a nice friendly person, there are plenty of people out there who don't like me and really don't want to be my friend. That's just life.

I guess it really depends upon the background your gf had with these people and what the nature of their friendship had been in the first place, but maybe she can chalk it up to maybe that friendship wasn't meant to be.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 12:55 PM on March 14, 2007

Seconding grumblebee -- when I've been snubbed by friends it's nice (and definitely helpful!) to curl up with the boyfriend, but what I really want to know is that I'm not a friendless loser. If it's possible I'd see if she would want to get together with mutual friends and then work as hard as you can to make it a good evening. Don't make it a pity party, though -- that will just make it worse.

As for the "making her feel better instantly," there's nothing that will. What helps me in these types of situations is when my boyfriend doesn't get me something generic like a hallmark card or flowers, but rather something that has a special meaning that lets me know he put some thought into it -- like the ice cream I mentioned liking once, or the stuffed dog because I say I want a puppy, etc. I think cheesy is okay, especially if it makes her laugh. Shooting for making her completely forget her woes by doing something spectacular won't work, but aiming for making her feel better for a few minutes by doing small things makes you much more likely to succeed at brightening her overall mood.
posted by lilac girl at 3:01 PM on March 14, 2007

Make her a nice dinner, rent "The Heathers" and "Mean Girls".
posted by Mr. Gunn at 1:30 PM on March 15, 2007

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