What to do with an abandoned unicorn?
March 12, 2007 8:36 PM   Subscribe

Alright, so last night I found a unicorn tied to a pipe in the basement of the three-flat I live in. It's been twenty four hours and I still have no clue, so... What should I do with it?

It's definitely not a goat with a strange horn growing out of its head. Although smaller than a horse, it's a bit bigger than a mule despite being pretty malnourished. (Which brings up the question of what you feed something like this?) I figure it is the former pet of previous 2nd floor residents who are now long gone.

I feel like there's nothing practical I can use it for around the apartment, but I don't want to just give it away. I doubt it is in good enough shape to sell at the moment, and I am hesitant to get rid of it in case there really is some spectacular use for such a beast. E.T. taught me that science is an evil option, but I might still consider some type of research-oriented donation (as E.T. is just a movie) so long as the animal's well-being can be guaranteed.

Any ideas you might have would be much appreciated. I will try to answer any questions you might have.
posted by pokermonk to Pets & Animals (15 answers total)

This post was deleted for the following reason: Oh jesus christ.

Everyone is a comedian. Correction: A crappy comedian.
posted by damn dirty ape at 8:42 PM on March 12, 2007

So...you're saying you're a virgin.
posted by jamaro at 8:46 PM on March 12, 2007 [4 favorites]

I'm looking for a new pet. Bring it over.
posted by FlamingBore at 8:49 PM on March 12, 2007

I will try to answer any questions you might have.

Honestly, I wouldn't even know where to start.
posted by pdb at 8:50 PM on March 12, 2007

Photos, please.
posted by iconomy at 8:55 PM on March 12, 2007

I can't believe you wasted your one bi-weekly question on this. What if you find a dragon?
posted by crabintheocean at 8:59 PM on March 12, 2007 [9 favorites]

This question was a great idea.
posted by oaf at 9:07 PM on March 12, 2007

in ur basement\ \ji /.((( (,/"(((__,--.    \  ) _( /{     !|| " :||          !||   :||     ''   '' wastn ur question

posted by wfrgms at 9:09 PM on March 12, 2007 [21 favorites]

Is this somehow related to omTay ruiseCay?
posted by sourwookie at 9:09 PM on March 12, 2007

Cut off the horn - grind it up, and sell it to a Chinese apothecary.

Likewise - the blood should have some value, if you drain it slowly over time and market it properly you can probably make a pretty nice income. Try eBay.
posted by Dag Maggot at 9:10 PM on March 12, 2007

This post might give you some ideas, though I don't know how your are on exhibiting creatures in the circus. Oh, and because I'm having pangs of, "I really want to believe in the honesty of people so I will take the question at face value," the advice I can offer:

Take it to the vet to get it identified. Or a farmer, or someone who knows about animals. It needs to be taken care of if it has been abandoned. Make sure you give it some water at least. Get it in to a situation where it will be well fed.

...Oh, but now I am getting pangs of, "this is a really good opportunity to show off my humorous nature," so I'll offer this advice:

I hear that unicorn horns are good for detecting poison. But really, that's only if you can be sure it is a real unicorn. What does the horn appear to be made of? Does it resemble antler material? Perhaps you have some strange breed of antelope or deer. Is the horn shimmery and twisted like that of a narwhal? If so, you may have a unique find on your hands. A bonafide unicorn? An abandoned genetic experiment?

As for making judgment calls on what to do with it: first make sure you find out what the local laws are for having small livestock in your basement. Are there regulations against keeping animals in between the size of a mule and a horse? Do you have to register the animal with the local government?

Next, ask your self, "if I were this animal, what would I desire?" Do you think it would mind exhibition? Would it flinch from crowds of wide eyed children with hands sticky from cotton candy? Or would it rather be running free in some pasture land, mystical or no?

That's all I could think of.
posted by Mister Cheese at 9:11 PM on March 12, 2007

Name it Frank, divorce it, push it down the stairs, replace your door, get your Master's and then travel to Europe.
Oh, and call your mother.

Serious, wtfitfs?
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 9:22 PM on March 12, 2007 [1 favorite]

Two days from now, you're going to get an unspeakable skin condition and think, damn, I wish I could post about this on AskMe. For a moment, you will both shame and anguish, as well as a disturbingly liquidy sort of itching in the affected region.

But then you'll realize that it doesn't matter, because you have a unicorn in your basement. And then, then, you will truly understand your new pet's true role, not just in your life, but the lives of all of us.

Best of luck.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 9:31 PM on March 12, 2007

Is this somehow related to omTay ruiseCay?

Where there are unicorns, cyclops are sure to be found.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 9:33 PM on March 12, 2007

Well, if you don't see a comment by Blazecock Pileon above this one, it used to be there.
posted by oaf at 9:34 PM on March 12, 2007

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