Is there a kind way to tell my boyfriend that I'm breaking up with him because it seems like he's trying to take over my life?
March 9, 2007 9:40 PM Subscribe
Is there a kind way to tell my boyfriend that I'm breaking up with him because it seems like he's trying to take over my life?
(warning: long explanation!)
There is a LOT more going on than I'll bother to explain here, but my boyfriend (I'm a guy too, but that shouldn't matter) and I have been together officially for 4 months. We're at the same college and we live in the same building, and though I really like the "intimate" time I get to spend with him, I think college should be about a lot more than just classes and my boyfriend.
I'm a leader of two student groups, I like to go to concerts and guest lectures, I try to be active in political and social issues and protests, and I even take academics much more seriously than he does. During the week I'm busy (class, meetings, homework, etc.) almost all the time, and during my precious little free time I feel like I want some time alone. I like being this busy; he doesn't.
Our different preferences and expectations for college life aren't a problem for our relationship -- instead, the problem arises in that he thinks I'm prioritizing my other activities ahead of him. We still spend probably 1-2 hours together each day, much of that just the two of us, but if I'm having a particularly busy week and don't really get to seem him other than in-passing for a few days, he thinks I'm not committed enough to him.
I've gotten to the point where his desperation to make the most of our time together makes me actively avoid him at times. I love the sex, but I'm constantly faced with the dilemma of doing something I really need or want to do -- like studying late at night or seeing a movie he's not into -- or gratifying him by spending more time with him. In short, he's a great guy, and I may want to have a relationship with him later in life, but now doesn't seem like the time.
How can I tell him? Should I be fully honest?
This is my first serious relationship, and in the past I've never been the one actively breaking things up.
As mentioned, I'll still see him every day since we live in the same building and have some friends in common, and he's the type (I think) who'd hold a huge passive-aggressive grudge.
(It's probably evident from all this explanation that I'm conflicted about all of this, so I'd be open to suggestions other than breaking up.)
(warning: long explanation!)
There is a LOT more going on than I'll bother to explain here, but my boyfriend (I'm a guy too, but that shouldn't matter) and I have been together officially for 4 months. We're at the same college and we live in the same building, and though I really like the "intimate" time I get to spend with him, I think college should be about a lot more than just classes and my boyfriend.
I'm a leader of two student groups, I like to go to concerts and guest lectures, I try to be active in political and social issues and protests, and I even take academics much more seriously than he does. During the week I'm busy (class, meetings, homework, etc.) almost all the time, and during my precious little free time I feel like I want some time alone. I like being this busy; he doesn't.
Our different preferences and expectations for college life aren't a problem for our relationship -- instead, the problem arises in that he thinks I'm prioritizing my other activities ahead of him. We still spend probably 1-2 hours together each day, much of that just the two of us, but if I'm having a particularly busy week and don't really get to seem him other than in-passing for a few days, he thinks I'm not committed enough to him.
I've gotten to the point where his desperation to make the most of our time together makes me actively avoid him at times. I love the sex, but I'm constantly faced with the dilemma of doing something I really need or want to do -- like studying late at night or seeing a movie he's not into -- or gratifying him by spending more time with him. In short, he's a great guy, and I may want to have a relationship with him later in life, but now doesn't seem like the time.
How can I tell him? Should I be fully honest?
This is my first serious relationship, and in the past I've never been the one actively breaking things up.
As mentioned, I'll still see him every day since we live in the same building and have some friends in common, and he's the type (I think) who'd hold a huge passive-aggressive grudge.
(It's probably evident from all this explanation that I'm conflicted about all of this, so I'd be open to suggestions other than breaking up.)
If I could go back and do my young break-ups over again, I'd actually omit the giving of the reasons. There was way too much talk, and therefore drama and confusion. Instead, I would say, "I don't want to date you any more." With kindness, and preface, of course. And only if I was sure that was true. Or I'd say something more complicated, if it were true: "I don't want to have a romantic relationship with you, but I'd like to be your friend and I'd like to totally have sex sometimes." The point is, say exactly what you mean, and don't mix your messages, and ask for whatever you'd like. The worst thing he can say is "Fuck you!" And so what if he does?
posted by RJ Reynolds at 10:07 PM on March 9, 2007 [2 favorites]
posted by RJ Reynolds at 10:07 PM on March 9, 2007 [2 favorites]
As RJ said, omit the real reasons. He doesn't need an explanation and if you give him one, he seems the type to try and argue his way out of a breakup.
Just say, "I really think you are a great guy, and I have a lot of fun with you, but I have a lot going in my life and I don't think that I can give you what you want from me."
It's been four months, and if you don't feel it, you just don't feel it.
Since this is your first relationship, learn from it, tell him you've learned from it, and are happy to have been with him up till this point, but you need to move on.
Also seeing as how it is almost the end of the semester, you might only need to deal with uncomfortable run-ins in the building for a couple more months. It just sounds like he's clingy, and he'll find someone else to cling on to. And you'll find someone else who's just as ambitious and busy as you are and who understands and appreciates space.
posted by greta simone at 10:19 PM on March 9, 2007
Just say, "I really think you are a great guy, and I have a lot of fun with you, but I have a lot going in my life and I don't think that I can give you what you want from me."
It's been four months, and if you don't feel it, you just don't feel it.
Since this is your first relationship, learn from it, tell him you've learned from it, and are happy to have been with him up till this point, but you need to move on.
Also seeing as how it is almost the end of the semester, you might only need to deal with uncomfortable run-ins in the building for a couple more months. It just sounds like he's clingy, and he'll find someone else to cling on to. And you'll find someone else who's just as ambitious and busy as you are and who understands and appreciates space.
posted by greta simone at 10:19 PM on March 9, 2007
He's needy and clingy. If he can't deal with your active lifestyle and be a part of it, DTMFA.
posted by chrisamiller at 10:20 PM on March 9, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by chrisamiller at 10:20 PM on March 9, 2007 [1 favorite]
Be nice to the guy, especially since it sounds like you do genuinely like him. But be prepared for him to hate you, at least for a while. Just let him down easy and let him know that the timing is just wrong.
posted by yellowcandy at 10:23 PM on March 9, 2007
posted by yellowcandy at 10:23 PM on March 9, 2007
I was in a sort of similar relationship freshman year (as the possessive one who got broken up with). I forget exactly what the phrasing was she used when breaking up with me, but it wasn't really important. She told me, I knew it was because I was being clingy, had a tough night and got over it --- and we're still friends now. We wanted very different things out of the relationship, and it's hard to make the relationship work if that's the case.
YMMV, of course. But in my opinion, honesty is the best policy. Especially since you'll still be seeing each other around: the last thing you need is something to keep secret from him. As has been mentioned, the guy is probably just inherently on the needy/clingy side, and if he doesn't recognize this about himself now he'll recognize it very very soon.
posted by goingonit at 10:25 PM on March 9, 2007
YMMV, of course. But in my opinion, honesty is the best policy. Especially since you'll still be seeing each other around: the last thing you need is something to keep secret from him. As has been mentioned, the guy is probably just inherently on the needy/clingy side, and if he doesn't recognize this about himself now he'll recognize it very very soon.
posted by goingonit at 10:25 PM on March 9, 2007
Don't know if this is any help, but he might feel a bit more secure if you can set up a date with him for later on when you are having a busy week.
he thinks I'm prioritizing my other activities ahead of him
Well, in one sense you are, but you have to do that if you want to get anything done, and he should respect that. Making someone else the absolute top priority in your life is not a healthy or sustainable situation. One or two hours each day is actually quite a bit of time to spend with someone as busy as you are.
posted by yohko at 10:25 PM on March 9, 2007
he thinks I'm prioritizing my other activities ahead of him
Well, in one sense you are, but you have to do that if you want to get anything done, and he should respect that. Making someone else the absolute top priority in your life is not a healthy or sustainable situation. One or two hours each day is actually quite a bit of time to spend with someone as busy as you are.
posted by yohko at 10:25 PM on March 9, 2007
This situation is exactly what it seems like: you are ill matched, he is way overly emotionally attached. You will never satisfy what he wants emotionally and you will never stop being annoyed by him. He thinks his happenstance college boyfriend of four months just happens to be The * Love * Of * His * Life * and you seem to be mainly in it for the sex (I only say this because it is the only positive thing you mention about the relationship, and you mention it twice). You will come to find that this basic situation (ill-chosen college romance with a massive disparity in emotional engagement) is surprisingly common in the college environment.
The best advice you've been given in this thread is to not mess around with giving reasons. For the emotionally desperate reasons are life preservers, evidence that somehow the relationship can be saved (or in extremis, something to fight over to prolong the drama just... a little... more...). But no advice and no force on earth will prevent this breakup from being unpleasant. Most are. And the aftereffect of living in proximity to the Ex may well lead you to the time honored college tradition of finding an excuse to Move.
As to suggestions other than breaking up, there is exactly one option: suffer with it until it becomes unbearable not to break up. Surprisingly common solution. Did it once. Do not recommend it. Try to find someone who's out for the same thing as you next time.
posted by nanojath at 11:37 PM on March 9, 2007 [2 favorites]
The best advice you've been given in this thread is to not mess around with giving reasons. For the emotionally desperate reasons are life preservers, evidence that somehow the relationship can be saved (or in extremis, something to fight over to prolong the drama just... a little... more...). But no advice and no force on earth will prevent this breakup from being unpleasant. Most are. And the aftereffect of living in proximity to the Ex may well lead you to the time honored college tradition of finding an excuse to Move.
As to suggestions other than breaking up, there is exactly one option: suffer with it until it becomes unbearable not to break up. Surprisingly common solution. Did it once. Do not recommend it. Try to find someone who's out for the same thing as you next time.
posted by nanojath at 11:37 PM on March 9, 2007 [2 favorites]
How about looking at this as a difference between two perfectly good, reasonable people, instead of interpreting his side as the wrong one? He doesn't like to go a few days in a row without seeing his excusive boyfriend more than "in-passing." You don't like to miss out on other things that would make that possible. That doesn't mean that he's needy/clingy or overly emotionally attached (though I agree it seems a little soon for the LOML thing). It doesn't mean he's "trying to take over [your] life." It does mean you're incompatible, at least for now. If you want to communicate anything about why you're breaking up, I think it would be fine to point out that incompatibility.
posted by daisyace at 7:10 AM on March 10, 2007
posted by daisyace at 7:10 AM on March 10, 2007
All I can say, with significant experience being in just your situation, get out now or you'll regret it. Very much.
This time in your life is gold. If you lose it angsting over some dude who'll barely register on your radar in 20 years, you'll never forgive yourself. Seriously- you'll never get this time back.
You sound like you've already figured this out but you're too nice to tell him. It also sounds like he hasn't got it going on to the degree you do, and you've become his sole focus. That's way too big a burden to put on another person.
Let him down as easily as you can, turn the corner and run back to your own life.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 7:12 AM on March 10, 2007
This time in your life is gold. If you lose it angsting over some dude who'll barely register on your radar in 20 years, you'll never forgive yourself. Seriously- you'll never get this time back.
You sound like you've already figured this out but you're too nice to tell him. It also sounds like he hasn't got it going on to the degree you do, and you've become his sole focus. That's way too big a burden to put on another person.
Let him down as easily as you can, turn the corner and run back to your own life.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 7:12 AM on March 10, 2007
Whether or not you tell him your reasons for breaking up depends on whether or not you want to give him the opportunity to learn from the experience. If you just want out, then just tell him it's not working for you and leave it at that. An explanation gives him something to argue with and feel hurt by, which ups the drama factor (and anybody who describes somebody as The Love after only four months is probably pretty high on drama potential).
A lot of people interpret a reason not as a courtesy but as a suggestion for what to fix so you can get back together.
However, if you plan to remain friends you will need to be honest, or it won't be much of a friendship. Don't use emotionally charged words like "needy" or "clingy" and don't tell him you resent him trying to take over your life. Instead, explain that these other activities are priorities for you - priorities you would have no matter who you're dating - and since it's clear he has different priorities, you don't think it's going to work out.
posted by joannemerriam at 7:41 AM on March 10, 2007
A lot of people interpret a reason not as a courtesy but as a suggestion for what to fix so you can get back together.
However, if you plan to remain friends you will need to be honest, or it won't be much of a friendship. Don't use emotionally charged words like "needy" or "clingy" and don't tell him you resent him trying to take over your life. Instead, explain that these other activities are priorities for you - priorities you would have no matter who you're dating - and since it's clear he has different priorities, you don't think it's going to work out.
posted by joannemerriam at 7:41 AM on March 10, 2007
When I was your age (gawd that makes me feel old) I had a tendency to fall in love with whatever guy I was dating at the time. Too needy, not mature enough, not long enough out of the closet to understand who I was and how the new me could related to people -- whatever.
Having been on the receiving end of several different break-up methods, I recommend that you make it short, gentle, and compassionate. Don't give all your reasons like you did up in your post above. That might lead to a discussion or debate. And more hurt feelings than are necessary...
Have you two been monogamous? One wacky [NOT serious!] suggestion would be to take him to a bar or bathhouse and see if you can hand him off to someone else... :-)
But seriously:
the problem arises in that he thinks I'm prioritizing my other activities ahead of him.
Of course you are. If you feel you must provide a "reason" for the break up, say that this isn't the right time in your life for this type of relationship. It's not him, it's you. It's the cliche, of course, but it really is about what you need and want and can handle right now.
posted by Robert Angelo at 8:32 AM on March 10, 2007
Having been on the receiving end of several different break-up methods, I recommend that you make it short, gentle, and compassionate. Don't give all your reasons like you did up in your post above. That might lead to a discussion or debate. And more hurt feelings than are necessary...
Have you two been monogamous? One wacky [NOT serious!] suggestion would be to take him to a bar or bathhouse and see if you can hand him off to someone else... :-)
But seriously:
the problem arises in that he thinks I'm prioritizing my other activities ahead of him.
Of course you are. If you feel you must provide a "reason" for the break up, say that this isn't the right time in your life for this type of relationship. It's not him, it's you. It's the cliche, of course, but it really is about what you need and want and can handle right now.
posted by Robert Angelo at 8:32 AM on March 10, 2007
No easy way to do this. Tell him you care, but that it isn't working out because you need more than just him, and you feel like you need to be you, not just you and him. Right now you aren't ready for the type of closeness that he wants. Then he will cry and be hurt and there's nothing you can do about it.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:00 AM on March 10, 2007
posted by Ironmouth at 10:00 AM on March 10, 2007
Nthing all the suggestions that you make it brief and kind, focusing on a general state of incompatibility between the two of you ("we're looking for different things") rather than what you perceive as his faults/failings ("you're too needy and don't enjoy staying busy with all the cool things I enjoy").
If he demands details, reasons, etc., just stay on point -- don't take the bait to get into a dramatic scene, or give in to your temptation to ennumerate everything about him that drives you nuts. Don't stick around too long -- have the talk, wish him well, and go. And if he decides to hold a grudge anyway, well, that's his choice. There is nothing you can do to prevent it, if that's how he deals (badly) with conflict or disappointment. You can't control or change him, any more than he can control or change you.
posted by scody at 10:38 AM on March 10, 2007
If he demands details, reasons, etc., just stay on point -- don't take the bait to get into a dramatic scene, or give in to your temptation to ennumerate everything about him that drives you nuts. Don't stick around too long -- have the talk, wish him well, and go. And if he decides to hold a grudge anyway, well, that's his choice. There is nothing you can do to prevent it, if that's how he deals (badly) with conflict or disappointment. You can't control or change him, any more than he can control or change you.
posted by scody at 10:38 AM on March 10, 2007
What RJ Reynolds says. You do want to provide him with some sort of explanation as to why you are spending less time with him, which is going to be some variation on, "look, I like you, but I need to do all this other stuff because it makes me happy. If I'm not giving you as much time/attention as you need, you should find someone who can."
But avoid rehashing and Talking With A Capital T over and over -- it just prolongs the hurt and drama, and ultimately will damage whatever friendship you have.
posted by desuetude at 1:00 PM on March 10, 2007
But avoid rehashing and Talking With A Capital T over and over -- it just prolongs the hurt and drama, and ultimately will damage whatever friendship you have.
posted by desuetude at 1:00 PM on March 10, 2007
Sometimes in life, in order to do what's best for you, other people's feelings will be hurt. This is their responsibility, not yours. It is not a compassionate act to pussyfoot around someone who's exceedingly sensitive. In fact, it's enabling their behavior. You are doing what's best for both of you in this situation - you can continue doing the activities you enjoy, and he has the opportunity to learn to become a more independent person.
Or not. What he chooses is not your responsibility. It is your responsibility not to encourage him to continue to be overdependent on you. So, be firm and direct. He's a big boy and he can handle this. It'd be awfully patronizing to think otherwise, wouldn't it?
posted by desjardins at 1:15 PM on March 10, 2007
Or not. What he chooses is not your responsibility. It is your responsibility not to encourage him to continue to be overdependent on you. So, be firm and direct. He's a big boy and he can handle this. It'd be awfully patronizing to think otherwise, wouldn't it?
posted by desjardins at 1:15 PM on March 10, 2007
You might want to better focus your goals...for your sake as well as his.
Are you trying to:
1. let him down as gently as possible?
or
2. draw a very firm line, so even though he's relentless and lovesick, he's not always angling to get back...the standard yo-yo-ing, push/pull nightmare?
You can't do both. Once you decide on this, things will be easier. As for whether or not you should share what your "issues" are with him, I doubt it'd help him. That sort of thing tends to make guys say "Ok, I can work on that!". In fact, it sounds like an invitation for him to say that. And if you're sure this is what you want to do, you don't want to give the impression of lingering invitation opportunities...especially with someone like this.
As for maybe getting back together again later...that's not something you can (or even ought to) in any way affect. That's up to him, not you. You are the one issuing an incredibly upsetting decision which he's going to have to find a way to live with. The notion that you can (or ought to) define terms for what you want from him later as well as now - bringing him in and out at your whim and on your terms as if he were an actor in your play - is not something that's 1. possible, or 2. appropriate to broach with him. If you are cruel enough to inform him of the future possibilities as you hand him this awful news, you will confuse him and wreak havoc with his emotions. Hey, what's he supposed to do in the meantime? Wait for you, like a hopeful puppy? :)
If you're sure you want to dump him, dump him...period. If he chooses to come back at a later time if/when the situation changes and the time feels right, terrific. But that's completely out of your hands and irrelevant to the current situation. And if it makes you feel sad and powerless to think he may be lost forever, even as a friend, well...why should he be the only one to come out of this feeling sad and powerless? You know what Neil Sedaka said about breaking up.... :)
posted by jimmyjimjim at 4:11 PM on March 10, 2007
Are you trying to:
1. let him down as gently as possible?
or
2. draw a very firm line, so even though he's relentless and lovesick, he's not always angling to get back...the standard yo-yo-ing, push/pull nightmare?
You can't do both. Once you decide on this, things will be easier. As for whether or not you should share what your "issues" are with him, I doubt it'd help him. That sort of thing tends to make guys say "Ok, I can work on that!". In fact, it sounds like an invitation for him to say that. And if you're sure this is what you want to do, you don't want to give the impression of lingering invitation opportunities...especially with someone like this.
As for maybe getting back together again later...that's not something you can (or even ought to) in any way affect. That's up to him, not you. You are the one issuing an incredibly upsetting decision which he's going to have to find a way to live with. The notion that you can (or ought to) define terms for what you want from him later as well as now - bringing him in and out at your whim and on your terms as if he were an actor in your play - is not something that's 1. possible, or 2. appropriate to broach with him. If you are cruel enough to inform him of the future possibilities as you hand him this awful news, you will confuse him and wreak havoc with his emotions. Hey, what's he supposed to do in the meantime? Wait for you, like a hopeful puppy? :)
If you're sure you want to dump him, dump him...period. If he chooses to come back at a later time if/when the situation changes and the time feels right, terrific. But that's completely out of your hands and irrelevant to the current situation. And if it makes you feel sad and powerless to think he may be lost forever, even as a friend, well...why should he be the only one to come out of this feeling sad and powerless? You know what Neil Sedaka said about breaking up.... :)
posted by jimmyjimjim at 4:11 PM on March 10, 2007
I think college should be about a lot more than just classes and my boyfriend.
This is wonderfully accurate and insightful.
he problem arises in that he thinks I'm prioritizing my other activities ahead of him.
This isn't going to pan out long-term. People who like doing things don't stop enjoying doing things. You need somebody secure enough to enjoy pieces of your life with you, without demanding all of it.
How can I tell him? Should I be fully honest?
Directly. Succinctly. And with as little drama as is possible. And you might as well be honest, if you care for him at all. That way he has a better chance of recognizing what is wrong with himself and changing it.
he's the type (I think) who'd hold a huge passive-aggressive grudge.
All the more reason to get rid of him. One should never stay in a relationship because they fear the discomfort of leaving.
Just rip off the band-aid quick, and enjoy a full, complete college life.
posted by Dump The MotherFucker Already! at 6:19 AM on March 12, 2007 [1 favorite]
This is wonderfully accurate and insightful.
he problem arises in that he thinks I'm prioritizing my other activities ahead of him.
This isn't going to pan out long-term. People who like doing things don't stop enjoying doing things. You need somebody secure enough to enjoy pieces of your life with you, without demanding all of it.
How can I tell him? Should I be fully honest?
Directly. Succinctly. And with as little drama as is possible. And you might as well be honest, if you care for him at all. That way he has a better chance of recognizing what is wrong with himself and changing it.
he's the type (I think) who'd hold a huge passive-aggressive grudge.
All the more reason to get rid of him. One should never stay in a relationship because they fear the discomfort of leaving.
Just rip off the band-aid quick, and enjoy a full, complete college life.
posted by Dump The MotherFucker Already! at 6:19 AM on March 12, 2007 [1 favorite]
One thing I would add is to not tell him, "you're not right for me now at this point in my life..." because that can (and I've observed it) be interpreted as "I want a break, but sometime later I will come back for you, LOML." So, this is bad. Especially if he is needy, clingy, and truly as in to you as you make him out to be. If you're going to break up, make it clear that you are breaking up--forever. Otherwise it will hang like a spectre over your life and his for an indefinite and ugly period of time.
posted by notswedish at 8:42 PM on March 12, 2007
posted by notswedish at 8:42 PM on March 12, 2007
I'd say "We're just at very different places in our lives right now." or "We want different things."
Which is true. You want to do stuff; he wants to do you. I actually had a similar situation recently, and I think the most important thing is for you both to sit down and talk about it and (hopefully) mutually agree that something isn't working.
posted by Zephyrial at 7:34 PM on March 18, 2007
Which is true. You want to do stuff; he wants to do you. I actually had a similar situation recently, and I think the most important thing is for you both to sit down and talk about it and (hopefully) mutually agree that something isn't working.
posted by Zephyrial at 7:34 PM on March 18, 2007
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by the_arbiter at 9:48 PM on March 9, 2007