How to become a sex goddess?
February 4, 2007 12:01 AM   Subscribe

SexualityFilter: I was raised as a strict religious conservative, but have realized that's just not me and I am starting over. I'd like to learn a lot more about myself, sexually. What tips and books do you have to help give a 23 year old woman sexual knowledge and confidence?

I'm in the process of getting a divorce and moving to another city to start my new life. The marriage had a lot of roots in the religious indoctrination and fell apart as I grew away from it. The sex was mediocre and infrequent. We were both virgins.

This wasn't the best atmosphere to develop into a satisfied sexual being. Now, I'd like to learn more about satisfying myself... establishing a baseline for my own pleasure, if you will. Once I have that, translating that to a damn fine time with a partner would be fantastic ;)

I'm looking for helpful books or web pages that may assist me on my journey.

A few things just for information:
- I took a Human Sexuality class at university, as well as having the internet, so I know the mechanics.
- Although when I was religious, I never thought about it because it was "evil", I've now discovered I also like women as well as men. Any books suggestions for bisexual or lesbian aspects would also be helpful.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (35 answers total) 32 users marked this as a favorite

Anything by Susie Bright. She has a great attitude towards sex throughout her entire body of work, she's feminist without ever being preachy, and she's bi, too.
posted by Juliet Banana at 12:22 AM on February 4, 2007

I bought this book for my wife, who IS a sex goddess. It's a goldmine of practical, helpful, and fun information about all things sex - written primarily for a female audience from beginner to expert. Unfortunately, the book is in Swedish and I'm not sure if it is available in other languages. The author, Ylva Franzén, runs a shop called Afrodites Apotek here in Stockholm. She's fantastically helpful and friendly. Why not send her an e-mail and as for some recommendations? Her contact information is here.
posted by three blind mice at 12:30 AM on February 4, 2007 [1 favorite]

The Guide to Getting it On is a perennial favorite and one I can personally recommend. I found it both "frank" and "fun" in ways that helped me see sex as both just another thing to do (i.e. not gross or weird) and also something potentially life-alteringly awesome. There's a bit more info over at the wikipedia page.
posted by wemayfreeze at 12:38 AM on February 4, 2007

Another great thing to do is go out, socialize, hang out, talk to people, meet them and just plain interact. Before you move to this new city, check out the local gay and lesbian community center, as well as gay bookstores. If you're moving to a good-size city, you will be able to find all that info online. Sometimes community is the best way to explore new terrain.
posted by sneakin at 6:12 AM on February 4, 2007

p.s. Congratulations!
posted by sneakin at 6:13 AM on February 4, 2007

Websites: All About My Vagina, and The have been linked to previously on AskMeFis
posted by stereo at 6:20 AM on February 4, 2007

Bi Any Other Name is a key read IMO.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 6:58 AM on February 4, 2007

Before books, even, start masturbating.

Actually, before that, do the 70's feminist thing, and get out a hand mirror. Take a good long look at yourself, and figure out what's where.

Then it's jilling-off time. Explore your body. Think about what gets you wet--and remember, there is no such thing as a fantasy that is 'wrong'. Unplug the phone, ignore the doorbell, and treat your body like an amusement park.

Nancy Friday has also written some very interesting books about both male and female sexuality. I can't remember the names offhand, but I'd absolutely recommend them--and I'd suggest that you read the men's one too. also has amazing, amazing books and toys and resources.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 7:23 AM on February 4, 2007

- Browse the bookstores and find some porn that turns you on. If you get confused about why something that silly would have such an effect on you, that's terrific. Whatever, masturbate.
- Write your own porn.

This is hard, because sexuality is so personal. Some people do really well with the "start with a firm sense of self, set some standards for the sex life you want for yourself and go get it" approach. For myself I took the route of throwing myself into the ring and racking up different kinds of experience. Whichever type of approach will work best for you, you can still only learn about yourself and your relationship with sexuality by doing. One thing you will learn is that you may have an idea about what is good or bad, but once you find yourself in the situation you are likely to find yourself responding in unexpected ways.

Hang out in college women's groups. Go on the internet to find different women's groups to join. They'll be talking about sex and politics and you can get a feel for where you fit in and where you don't.

Don't worry about labelling yourself as bi or lesbian or het until you actually fall in love with someone you want to introduce to friends and family. Until that happens, labels are irrelevant. Even in that case they are subject to change over time. (I know whereof I speak: I was straight for 10 years, then a lesbian for 10 years and have been bi for the last 10 years.)

Even the mechanics can change over time. When I was in my thirties a lover pointed out that I was having vaginal orgasms and taught me how to pay attention to them. Now I have them all the time. While it could just be a case of noticing something that was there all the time, it's not unusual for women to discover that their bodies respond differently as they get older.

posted by kika at 7:24 AM on February 4, 2007 [1 favorite]

Begin by rejoicing. You are gathering your power back to yourself when you are still quite young and have lots of time to enjoy it.

Get Tee Corinne's Cunt Coloring Book, read Carol Queen's pages (she's a Good Vibes founder IIRC) and look for sex-positive events and people in your town.

Care for yourself well and listen to your body and spirit. You have within you exactly the person you want to be, and you most probably only have things to un-learn. Exactly as in sailing, do not be in a hurry and try new things with your eyes wide open.
posted by jet_silver at 8:00 AM on February 4, 2007

I'm amazed no one has mentioned Our Bodies, Ourselves yet.

First, congratulations!

Something that is very important to remember is that you should only do things you feel comfortable doing. Don't assume that sexuality means you have to do things because 'everyone' does them. Don't allow anyone to convince you to do something by telling you that your resistance is because of your upbringing if your heart is saying no no no.

I was raised in a very restrictive evangelical background. I and many of my friends did unsafe things we didn't really want to do when we got out of that environment because of the prevalent social idea that being sexually liberated means doing anything and everything, even if you don't really want to do it. This is not true. Being in control of your body means doing what you want, when you want it, and not allowing anyone to talk you into things that you'd prefer not to do.

That may seem very obvious, but you'd be surprised how often that line gets blurred when someone you are interested in tells you that you are just being a prude because you don't want to douse yourself in lighter fluid and make love on a barbeque pit or something.
posted by winna at 8:27 AM on February 4, 2007 [8 favorites]

Cunt by Inga Muscio. She's amazing, and it's a very good woman-positive read about discovering yourself and sex and everything that comes with having a vag. My boyfriend read it too, which was fabulous.
posted by nursegracer at 8:30 AM on February 4, 2007

I echo the congratulations! I'm sure the past months haven't been easy but you have a much better life in store.

I always say there's nothing like practice. I'm not knocking books, you should read a few, but they only go so far. A book can only give you ideas for things to try out. It can't make you good at them. And it can't teach you to be turned on or feel pleasure. For that you need practice. And you may find that experimenting with a few partners teaches you a lot. Your partners will have their own history of fumbling experimentation you can profit from.

As a woman, you have a lot of options for finding sex. I'd suggest you befriend a man you like and trust when you get to your new city, and offer him a "friends with benefits" arrangement. It's up to you to navigate the emotional side of things and keep your own head together, but you should be able to find any number of decent guys who will be willing to have sex with you and teach you what they know - about the male and female side of things. Ask them what they want you to do. You'll learn.

As with all learning, it's in the practice. Your first attempt at anything new is going to be awkward and probably won't produce great results. Don't be discouraged. Keep trying, sense and respond, keep your eye on your partner and find the things that feel right.

You should also really read the diaries of Anais Nin. Volume 1 should suffice, or just buy the compilation they put out titled "Henry & June" at the same time the movie came out (the movie isn't bad itself). It's all about a woman's sexual awakening after doing the whole good wife thing. You may find it liberating as well as instructive.
posted by scarabic at 9:12 AM on February 4, 2007

I 2nd "The Guide to Getting it On".
posted by 6:1 at 9:45 AM on February 4, 2007

Don't forget the Vagina Monologues! It's tops for a well-rounded, multi-faceted (though perhaps sophomoric) Vagina Love and Pride tome. Which, by my reckoning, is what can boost your relationship with yourself and your bod up into a special and somewhat spiritual realm, instead of just getting the strategy and style of orgasmic conquests pat.

Second to that, the blowfish catalogue. I recommend it far and wide. Sex toy shops all pale in comparison to their thorough, considered reviews. At first, your sex toy purchases may be scattershot, but it's a worthy investment.

The Guide to Getting it On
is hip, hot and not clinical. Seconded.

In my personal sex journey, some of the most empowering chapters were based around acting, dance, and other activities where I could explore and strengthen my ability too express my desires and feel "in" my body. Reading good lit, sexy or not, has always been a confidence booster and a way of making myself feel good holistically as well.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 9:54 AM on February 4, 2007

What an excellent question and an empowering decision!

I'd second dnab's suggestion of Nancy Friday: he may be thinking of "Women on Top", although she's written a series of great books. Speaking personally, "WOT" allowed me to understand that women had as varied, vibrant and kinky fantasy life as I had, and allowed me to relax considerably around them.
posted by Bora Horza Gobuchul at 9:59 AM on February 4, 2007

i second the guide to getting it on - it was a fun and very informative guide for several people i've known.
posted by jjsonp at 10:38 AM on February 4, 2007

It may seem counterintuitive, but listening to a lot of Barry White is a good idea.
posted by matteo at 10:49 AM on February 4, 2007 [1 favorite]

Read Savage Love for a fun intro to the wide variety of kinks that other people have.
posted by chrisamiller at 11:07 AM on February 4, 2007

i like _sexy witch_ by lasara firefox... it's sort of a course outline for exploring your own sexuality. i also second _cunt_ . and you said you know about the mechanics, but _taking charge of your fertility_ is a really interesting read if you're not aware of things like how to tell when you're ovulating and what changes that makes in your life.

i also suggest thinking about your self-image and maybe getting a few outfits that you feel really good about. they don't have to be over-the-top sexy (though they could be if you want) but often an aspect of the religious anti-sex thing is feeling like you shouldn't think about your appearance too much, and if you're not used to doing that then taking some time pampering yourself and being excited about how you look can be a real boost to self-confidence.

also, don't forget to be safe while you're exploring! and, don't forget that people still have feelings--being sexually liberated is not an excuse to take advantage of others, so remember to talk to your partners frequently in order to stay on the same page in terms of expectations.
posted by lgyre at 11:18 AM on February 4, 2007


the guide to getting it on.

dr. dog knows how to have a good time.
posted by oigocosas at 11:40 AM on February 4, 2007

I love The Whole Lesbian Sex Book: A Passionate Guide for All of Us. It is a book i have bought myself and given as a present (with always a lot of thank you!).

It is pretty comprehensive, and a good read. I recommed it to any woman (no matter what their sexuality), espeshally as it discusses other stuff, including identity.
posted by informity at 11:41 AM on February 4, 2007

Buy a great vibrator and take latin dance lessons.
posted by Foam Pants at 12:29 PM on February 4, 2007 [1 favorite]

Don't worry about labeling yourself as bi or lesbian or het until you actually fall in love with someone you want to introduce to friends and family. Until that happens, labels are irrelevant.

Best advice I see on here.

Other than that remember you are going to be different than every other girl out there, and so don't expect any trick to work for you, just because you read it in a book.
posted by magikker at 12:30 PM on February 4, 2007

I'm also a 23-y.o. female from a fairly religious background.

I want to second winna's comment, above. I was also raised in a very conservative, religious environment and when I had my first boyfriend succumbed to a certain amount of "everyone's doing it, and so should I." Don't do this. Learn to love yourself, learn to love your body, and above all, listen to yourself and what makes *you* comfortable and happy.

If you end up being incredibly kinky, that's awesome. If you end up being fairly vanilla, that's cool too. Just make sure that you're doing what YOU want to do, not what anybody else does, and not what anybody else thinks you should do.

I would really suggest that you spend a lot of time exploring your body by yourself, with the aid of hand mirrors and toys and some hot videos and whatnot, before you venture into friends-with-benefits territory. It's really important to know what works for you, but don't get your mind bent up around what *should* work for you. There is no "should" with sex, just "is."

One other thing to remember once you decide to quit flying solo: sex isn't sexy. A lot of people don't get this, but it's true. Things can get awkward; positions don't work right. You have to burp at inopportune times. There will be funny noises. Don't get yourself wrapped up in a porn-star ideal and thinking that things will work *just so* the first time. They won't. If you have a great partner, you'll laugh it off, kiss them, change positions, and carry on.

It sounds like you have the right attitude to start with. Good luck!
posted by fuzzbean at 1:00 PM on February 4, 2007 [2 favorites]

I recommend taking a belly dance class for getting in touch with your body, especially your hips.
posted by cadge at 1:05 PM on February 4, 2007

How about a nice collection of fantasies? Like maybe or Forbidden Flowers. These are collections of actual women's fantasies, not "Dear Penthouse letters I never thought it would happen to me" stuff.

There's also free online mags like Clean Sheets and absolutely free repositories of explicit fiction like Literotica.

Read around. See what turns you on. See what repulses you. See what you are embarassed that it really interests you. In short, find out what you want before you go looking around.

Oh, and as far as self-satisfaction, three words: Hitachi Magic Wand. There's all kinds of attachments available, but to be honest most of them just sit in a drawer around here.
posted by ilsa at 1:07 PM on February 4, 2007

er, that first title was supposed to be "Secret Garden". Gomen Nasai.
posted by ilsa at 1:08 PM on February 4, 2007

I suggest Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom. It's a more general book with some very good material on female sexuality. Not so much tips as about experiencing yourself and having a positive view of your sexual self.

I'll second the belly dance class suggestion, too.

As for tips ... Kegel exercises are fabulous.
posted by yohko at 1:35 PM on February 4, 2007

The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex
posted by fvox13 at 3:03 PM on February 4, 2007

Lot's of good links already - here are a few more:

Carol Queen's reading list, a quality porn mag for gals who like guys, and for gals who like gals,
and a sadly, no longer active feminist erotic fiction/art/info site Scarletletters
posted by serazin at 11:00 PM on February 4, 2007

Anything and everything Annie Sprinkle. I especially recommend her film/workshop Sluts and Goddesses, which while a bit, um, explicit, is the type of thing you can watch a dozen times and learn something new in each and every moment. She truly is a Sex Goddess! You'll definitely appreciate her when you've had your first 5-minute-long orgasm LOL!

Also, if you're at all interested in the idea of polyamory or other forms of "nonmonogamy" try The Ethical Slut.
posted by DecemberRaine at 1:18 AM on February 5, 2007

Rent some female produced porn movies.

"Also, if you're at all interested in the idea of polyamory or other forms of "nonmonogamy""

Holy shit, let her get past the heterosexual stuff first! :P
posted by drstein at 12:19 PM on February 5, 2007 [1 favorite]

Tiny Nibbles!
posted by simonemarie at 9:39 PM on February 5, 2007

You say you want to learn about yourself, sexually.

There's an ocean of books, websites, videos out there. Remember that these are someone else's experiences. Some of them will pull you in, some will not.

Still, no matter what you are experiencing, you are experiencing it through yourself.

So, start listening to yourself. Not unlike discovering your favorite foods in a foreign cuisine. Taste a little bit and listen to your body. Slow down and feel the aroma, taste, texture, the full experience.

There's no rationalle needed for liking or disliking a certain food. Complete freedom. Liking icecream does not make you something or another. Preferring vegetarian or kosher is OK.

Approach sex the same way, and your body will tell you what it likes and needs.

Also, explore the possibility to please yoursef first. Find the ways of giving to your lovers which are pleasing to yourself first. Find the ways to surrender to your lovers which are aligned with surrendering to yourself.

And allow yourself to let go of lovers who are not aligned with what you need as speed, safety, connection ... everyting.

Welcome to yourself.
posted by andreinla at 12:19 PM on April 17, 2007

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