Ok so I've started seeing an ex girlfriend of mine, we had a pretty intense relationship a few years back........
January 22, 2007 6:10 AM   Subscribe

Ok so I've started seeing an ex girlfriend of mine, we had a pretty intense relationship a few years back which had a messy ending. We got back in touch a few weeks ago and have been talking on the phone for hours, met up a few times and seemed to be rembering all the reasons why we fell in love the first time. We met-up last Monday, everything went well and we had arranged to see each other again on Saturday. We exchanged a few messages on Wednesday she was saying how much she was looking foreword to sat how excited she was etc. I text her on the sat to confirm she does reply, I ring her she doesn’t answer. Slightly concerned I txt her saying iell be there anyway. Come the time to meet she’s not there and her phone is turned off. I've spent the last few days feeling like crap. I've text her a few times asking what the hell is going on still not one reply. Now I don’t know what to do if she’s changed her mind about me/us that I could deal with, just, but to drop all contact like that. Aghh it’s doing my head in. I can’t fathom how she could be so into me one second and ignore me the next. Anyone been in a similar situation, should I just drop it and move on? Do I confront her in person? With anyone else I think I would have got the message by now, she just means so much to me.
posted by Cookie Monster to Human Relations (42 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
Yeah, time to move on. Unless it turns out she was kidnapped or something.
posted by thirteenkiller at 6:11 AM on January 22, 2007

Move on. She knows how to get in touch with you, and if she were to do so, she'd better have a damn good excuse. Don't expect her to contact you.
posted by notsnot at 6:13 AM on January 22, 2007

Best answer: She probably just wanted to satisfy her curiosity and see if she could still get you, which she obviously still can.

9 out of 10 times, ex's are ex's for a good reason. Don't talk to her ever again. Ever.

Unless, thirteenkiller is right and she was kidnapped or something. Then you can consider talking to her again.
posted by milarepa at 6:21 AM on January 22, 2007 [1 favorite]

Let go and move on.
posted by Kikkoman at 6:22 AM on January 22, 2007

The ball is in her court.

_At most_, I think you could get away with sending her one e-mail telling her how you feel and saying something along the lines of that if she's not interested she should at least tell you that.

But the important thing is that you should be willing to accept whatever answer she gives you.

And don't be that crazy stalker guy.
posted by empath at 6:22 AM on January 22, 2007

Don't send her even one single more message until you hear from her, no matter what you feel needs to be said.
posted by hermitosis at 6:36 AM on January 22, 2007

Don't even try and contact her, just do like the other people said and move on. If she tries to get in touch with you ignore her. Nothing good can come of you having any further contact with her, remember that.
posted by BobbyDigital at 6:38 AM on January 22, 2007

And you should probably be grateful it didn't go any farther. In my experience, rekindled flames don't usually work out well. As milarepa says, ex's are ex's for a good reason.
posted by languagehat at 6:38 AM on January 22, 2007

One thing is for sure: This is a relationship that is going nowhere. Even if you did get back together with her, you want to be together with a woman that treats you like dreck?

You'd become one of those hen pecked husbands who stands around and smiles weekly while their wives are cheating on them.

Sometimes, it's painful to do things like this, but it's better to be a bit sad now than to be miserable all your life.
posted by markesh at 6:48 AM on January 22, 2007

Mind games. Move on.
posted by mkultra at 7:11 AM on January 22, 2007

I agree that it's going nowhere, btw. I just thing it can't hurt to send one final e-mail just to see if you can get an answer. But I can see how that would make things worse, too.
posted by empath at 7:11 AM on January 22, 2007

Best answer: I would definitely hang back a bit, like everyone's been saying. She's testing the waters to see what she can get away with and determining who has the upper hand. If you let her have it, she will use it and it will get worse. I totally understand how crappy you feel - there aren't too many feelings worse than how you felt on Saturday - but I'd definitely sit back and see what happens. It's definitely her turn to make the next contact attempt.
They don't call them exes for nothing, and they don't call them games for nothing either.
Best of luck, be strong!!!
posted by slyboots421 at 7:16 AM on January 22, 2007

nth-ing "make no contact, move on."

I understand the temptation to send off one last e-mail, just for a little closure. But the fact remains no matter what she responds with, no reason she gives (save rape, kidnapping, dismemberment) will be good enough. There's no excuse for the leading on and then dropping off.
posted by chichimimizu at 7:18 AM on January 22, 2007

Move on. I was in a similar situation a couple of years back, where we scheduled to meet up. She never showed up. I have since chalked it up to her being scared out of her fucking wits.
posted by booticon at 7:19 AM on January 22, 2007

Why do I always gotta be the paranoid one? Or at the least the one that always give people the benefit of the doubt? Anyway, maybe something happened to her - did she get sick? Was she murdered? Did a loved-one of hers die or become ill? Was there an accident? Alien abduction?

You mention in your post that you two have met up a few times so I think that her getting scared or whatever isn't what happened.
posted by Sassyfras at 7:32 AM on January 22, 2007

I think in a couple of weeks when you've come to your senses, you'll find that somebody who's the type to play those kind of games does not mean all that much to you after all. And it's clear that you don't mean anything to her. Move on.
posted by nowonmai at 7:32 AM on January 22, 2007

I am in a similar situation. I decided that it is better to hang on to the friendship we share, as it is obvious that she is not sure about pursuing anything more than a few flirty texts and e-mails.

In time something may happen between us, but I am not holding my breath.

Give her a bit of space, the worst thing you can do is scare her off.
posted by informity at 7:33 AM on January 22, 2007

The bitch is NUTS! Exunt, stage right. (Don't contact her. You gave that a shot, now you gotta walk away. Seriously...)
posted by klangklangston at 7:33 AM on January 22, 2007

Go ahead and work on leaving it alone, but also, people who just stop talking to you are the most cowardly, evil people on the face of the planet. Remind yourself of that. It'll make the leaving it alone a bit easier, I think.
posted by dame at 7:33 AM on January 22, 2007 [2 favorites]

It almost makes me think she was trying to get "revenge" on you, or simply didn't like the idea of getting back together with you and decided the best way to avoid that would be to avoid you.

Sorry about that, but really you're better off ignoring her.
posted by delmoi at 7:40 AM on January 22, 2007

The best case scenario is that something happened that interefered with her ability to make the date or her desire/ability to respond to you. It could've been life trauma (another ex, family, accident, etc). It could just be that she's flaking. Those are all the best cases that indicate that it's not you.

You don't know what that something is (yet), and may never know. You decide how you want to handle not knowing and take it from there.

Many years ago I asked someone out who enthusiastically said yes, then later called to tell me that she "forgot that she had a boyfriend." Uh-huh. Right. I said bye-bye.
posted by plinth at 7:52 AM on January 22, 2007

Or, hey, just possibly she's not completely cowardly and evil, playing mind games, crazy, treating you like dreck, etc. Just possibly she is a normal flawed human being who feels many of the same emotional ties as you do, but who has changed her mind, quite possibly very sensibly, in an effort to avoid hurting you both. And now she's handling it imperfectly because she's confused and worried about how to tell you.

Since you won't be contacting her if you follow the advice of this thread, you may as well spend the time doing something more productive than building up a completely baseless mental image of her as a psychotic coward who feels nothing but contempt for you, as many posters here inexplicably seem to have decided.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 7:54 AM on January 22, 2007 [2 favorites]

To echo what everyone else said here, move on, don't contact her.

Also, to see this in a positive light - you gave her another chance and she blew it, so you're moving on and it's her loss. Go and find someone worthy of your love, and good luck.
posted by triv at 7:56 AM on January 22, 2007

Response by poster: It's so sick the ways she’s gone about this, but hey some people are just that. Thanks for all the comments I always knew what I had to do it just helps when 20 people are screaming it at you.

Number deleted, texts deleted, time to get back to loving life.
posted by Cookie Monster at 7:57 AM on January 22, 2007

And now she's handling it imperfectly because she's confused and worried about how to tell you.

You mean because she's a coward who cares more about her own comfort than you? Yeah, exactly.
posted by dame at 8:03 AM on January 22, 2007

You mean because she's a coward who cares more about her own comfort than you? Yeah, exactly.

I guess this is just an issue I have with "it's over, move on" threads on AskMe... they always seem to be "it's over, move on, and while you're at it, persuade yourself that your former ex suddenly became an incredibly nasty and/or crazy person." I don't see how that helps anyone involved, including the original poster.

Still, it looks like I've lost this argument, since Cookie Monster has now declared his ex to be a sick person. Fair enough.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 8:13 AM on January 22, 2007

For some slight perspective from the other side:

I was contacted several times by an ex-girlfriend who just wanted to meet up and talk over lunch, or hang out. I knew that it was a poor idea, but I did it anyway. Being around her was a combination of remembering the good times and flare-ups of the reasons why we broke up to begin with. I knew that it might change with time, but I really couldn't handle interacting with her on a one-on-one basis without mentally lapsing into that mental cycle. I opted to reply to her next email by saying that I thought it was best if we didn't directly contact each other anymore.

Maybe your ex realized that even if it's nice to be around you, she's aware that this can't go well. Let her walk away, and do the same yourself.
posted by mikeh at 8:20 AM on January 22, 2007

posted by Ironmouth at 8:22 AM on January 22, 2007

Number deleted, texts deleted, time to get back to loving life.

Like they say, the best revenge is to live well. Sounds like you've got the right attitude. Good luck.
posted by Leon at 8:28 AM on January 22, 2007

Best answer: Just to reiterate, she probably isn't toying with you or anything nearly so exciting. Don't be one of those immature guys who assumes his exes are these evil, malicious masterminds who spend hours each day determining the best way to ruin his life. Most likely she simply freaked out and decided she wasn't ready to deal with you again. You have two options now: wait for her or move on. Do whatever you want but common sense would dictate you move on. You aren't seeing this woman (one date doesn't constitute a relationship) and yet she's already affected you deeply in a bad way, you broke up once before -- presumably for good reasons -- and it was probably overly messy and painful which is coloring your view now, and it's clear that you like her far more than she likes you. All of these are major warning signs and this is a textbook example of how not to start a relationship. There's no reason to hate her but you do need a vacation from this woman. Do the smart thing and look elsewhere.
posted by nixerman at 8:35 AM on January 22, 2007 [1 favorite]

With anyone else I think I would have got the message by now, she just means so much to me.

Fixed that for you.
posted by Rock Steady at 9:07 AM on January 22, 2007

I hope you can sack up and take all the great advice above. It is mind games, and they are working.

Think of what she did as a preview of what's to come and ask yourself if that is what you really want.
posted by vronsky at 9:16 AM on January 22, 2007

I've spent the last few days feeling like crap.

You mean being angry, right? Don't feel guilty about it.
posted by kindall at 9:19 AM on January 22, 2007

game warden, I don't think that every ex is crazy, and you are right about that. But just disappearing is one of life's unpardonables, to me.
posted by dame at 10:08 AM on January 22, 2007

What if she comes by your house next week, starts crying. Saying, she just got scared, she loves you so much, she couldn't face it falling apart again. Then you have that most excellent reconciliation sex. She is sweetness. Then she remembers something that happened a year ago, out of the blue, gets pissed and leaves. A few days later, calls you to ask coldly about something she left at your house. She comes by ostensibly to get that thing, accepts your apology for this long-over issue, and you have sex. She starts crying again...

Does any of this sound familiar?
Then why live it out?
Just write it down, using all the dramaturgical conventions, and ask yourself whether this is a part you really want to reprise.
No matter how much you love her, no matter how much she loves you, you can't fix her -- if she needs to be crazy at this point in her life, she will be, and there is nothing you can do about it. The one thing you can do that could conceivably help her is to leave her alone -- once she pushes enough people away, she might be motivated to look within.
posted by Methylviolet at 12:08 PM on January 22, 2007

I CAN'T BELEIVE this post, simply because I could have written the EXACT same thing a year ago (but with swapped genders). Turned out the guy (who i had previously dated 7 years before, ended messily, etc) had a recently-ex girlfriend who was pregnant; he didn't want to tell me at first, and when he realised that he SHOULD, he decided just running away (and standing me up, just like you!) would be a better solution. It was incredibly upsetting - phone was off, couldn't get in touch, didn't have any idea why it was happening, he had just said so many things that made me think he really wanted to be with me (just like what happened to you!).

Eventually, when i stopped being ANGRY, i realised that he was a huge fucking asshole douchebag (still/again), and that I'd dodged a bullet by discovering that after just a few weeks, rather than months or years. That was a very consoling realisation, actually.
posted by Kololo at 12:08 PM on January 22, 2007

I spent years after a relationship where my ex and I were on a cycle of break up/reconciliation for almost 6 years. It was ridiculous, devastating and in the end, the only thing that we had connecting us was the damage we inflicted on each other. The healing process has been long.
I have no doubt that you care for this person. But, walk away. This person is not treating you with the love and respect that you deserve. You said yourself that you feel like crap now. Why try to fight for something that doesn't make you feel good or fulfill you in a positive way?
posted by kelzabel at 12:52 PM on January 22, 2007 [1 favorite]

Let me tell you something else that nobody seems to have mentioned yet. Immediately, and I mean fucking immediately, after you resign yourself, she'll be back. It's not really mind games, chances are that she's got her own very good reasons for not being with you right now, it's just that she can't face them. And that's why, the minute she understands that you've faced your issues, she'll sneak back into your life, probably incredibly dramatically, given the dynamic you two seem to have, which is a lot higher in emotion than the relationships like this that I've had. You're a candidate for amazing reconcilliation sex. Anyway, she'll be back because she wants you to convince her that she doesn't have to deal with these issues. DON'T let her get close enough to you to hurt you, or you'll be in this icky icky cycle. People in this dynamic have cope-dar. As soon as she senses you coping successfully, she'll show up, but only as long as it takes to ruin it. She wants an excuse to not cope with whatever issues she has, and you're the excuse, unless you choose not to be.
posted by saysthis at 1:56 PM on January 22, 2007 [2 favorites]

Unless she has been kidnapped by Lord Kinbote and is being brainwashed into becoming a sexy assassin for SD-6, she has little excuse for not sending at least a brief text message or whatever it is that kids nowadays use to communicate. The fact that she has turned off her phone would seem to indicate that she is hiding from you or her several other emergency backup utility booty calls. Stop worrying about it, update your laminated enemies list by adding her name, and move on. No need to devote any more emotional or mental energy on this lost cause.
posted by Midnight Creeper at 3:23 PM on January 22, 2007

What saythis said was bloody brilliant. Cope-dar, I love it.

Anyhoo Cookie Monster, she has changed her mind. Something you have said or done or didn't do, or the piece of broccolli lodged between your two front teeth scared her away. Or more likely, she was flirting with you to begin with. She never had any intentions of getting back with you.

It's not love CM. Maybe it was then but it sure isn't now. Hopefully next time, you'll leave the past where it belongs: in the past.
posted by dropkick at 2:12 PM on January 23, 2007

Here myself. Game Warden, Saythis, Methylviolet; thanks, you help.
posted by vulch at 1:02 PM on March 30, 2007

There are plent of fish in the ocean my man....plenty. Think about that one, see if you feel better.
posted by gmodelo at 1:19 PM on September 28, 2007

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