Umm, hi!
December 17, 2006 8:58 AM   Subscribe

How do you ask someone out on myspace?

So I'm single and looking around on myspace. Every time i hit the browse button, I see plenty of smart, cute, interesting women that I would love to date. But what's the next step? Obviously I don't want to start with "Hey wanna go do x?" without emailing around a bit first (cos that's just creepy). Starting with something like "you look cute", "you have similar taste in music, movies, book, whatever" sounds lame and unoriginal. What's a good way to stand out from all the creeps out there (according to my female friends, they get tons of creepy mail on myspace)?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (25 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
My opinion: there is no good way. MySpace is perceived to be a haven for creeps, and whether it is or not is somewhat immaterial. People will be inclined to distrust you, and you should be inclined to distrust them as well. (If you were creating a fake MySpace profile, would you create a cute single girl or a guy?) I wouldn't touch this with a ten-foot pole.
posted by danb at 9:35 AM on December 17, 2006

I'd consider it a bit weird to be approached on any website for a date unless it were a dating website.

If you must do something through MySpace I'd expect you'd have better luck investing time building up an ordinary friendship first.
posted by edd at 9:40 AM on December 17, 2006

This is gonna be hard, but if you're up for it what's the worst that can happen? Really.

Presuming you're in the same city/area as the women you're checking out, start out like any other pick up/conversation. Read their blogs and journals to see what they're interested in, ask them if they've been to X or seen Y in your city. Discuss these events, attractions, museums, bands etc. Find a common ground, common interests etc. Mention you'll be at some event or attraction at a specific date, preferably with a huge group of like minded (but not weird) people and recommend that she and her friends check it out as well. Try and meet up there and see if you two hit it off.

Still, this'll be really really hard. You seem to understand that women will likely find this creepy, really creepy. You've confirmed this with women you know, but you're still willing to try. Presuming you're sane, you're braver than me.

I would devote more time to finding some real life link to the person through your friends. Even if you're thirty people removed from knowing one of these women, and it takes months to actually meet them through friends, that's a better starting position than approaching them through myspace. Though still pretty creepy.
posted by Science! at 9:43 AM on December 17, 2006

Don't do it. Just don't. Want to find someone to date? Go out into meatspace and meet people. Or go to a dating site. MySpace isn't the venue, and as pointed out above, most women will not react positively.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 10:19 AM on December 17, 2006

Yeah. I've had good luck with okcupid (insofar as I've dated a couple of local people I first contacted through it, and am now happily in a long-term relationship with one of them) -- it's free and has sort of a more myspace vibe than a lot of the other dating sites, what with the quizzes and so forth. Of course, standard disclaimers about the potential for creeps and so forth applies.
posted by Alterscape at 10:24 AM on December 17, 2006

The creepy/not creepy line is VERY thin and delicate on myspace!

Perhaps you could use myspace in a different way. Instead of using it to meet women, perhaps you use it as a tool to get to know women better? Like if you meet a woman socially, you could ask if she's on myspace. If she is, become her "friend" and start some email interaction.

If that's not an option, then if you see a profile that interests you, email her, mentioning something specific on her page - if she likes a certain band, let her know that they're playing at x on y date. Or that there's a good article about them in z magazine. If she responds, cool. If not, leave it at that.

And if none of that works, then "U R HOTT MESSAGE ME" is always effective! (kidding)
posted by suki at 10:30 AM on December 17, 2006

Be funny. If you are on the Interwebs looking for love (especially if you're a boy), the only thing that is sure to override the creepy vibe is being funny.
posted by schroedinger at 10:59 AM on December 17, 2006 [1 favorite]

Ignore the above advice. MySpace *IS* also a dating site and not just for creeps despite what the media will have you believe. Many women have MySpace profiles reflecting their single status quite intentionally.

Assuming you have a reasonably detailed profile, there's no reason why you can't just drop a short note saying you liked their profile. Mention specifics so they know they're not getting spammed. Then, she can check out your profile / photos and reply if interested.

In terms of the actual approach...suggesting meeting for coffee shouldn't happen until after 4-5 fun email exchanges or a week of correspondence (which ever comes later.)

I've had friends take date requests on MySpace. Its not a big deal relative to any other online dating site. Though the chances of finding a good one are slim.
posted by dendrite at 11:03 AM on December 17, 2006

I recommend friendster, which I believe started as a dating site. It's a lot easier, and frankly, friendlier.
posted by ORthey at 11:12 AM on December 17, 2006

I say go for it. Give time to actually get to know one another (anywhere from a week to a month, depending on your email frequency), and then ask her out. Don't beat around the bush about it. You might score extra points if you ask for her email address and use that instead of myspace mail. I know I'd totally give extra points for someone that asked for my email address and actually used it.

Just be honest and don't be a poser. My most recent myspace dating snafu entailed several phone calls, a great date with a guy that totally got my humor (which rarely happens), an awesome kiss and...... he's cut off all communication.

Yeeeeeeah....... so, as a favor to a fellow Mefite, if you do ask someone out on myspace, could you please not be a dick after the fact like he was? Thanks in advance.
posted by damnjezebel at 11:28 AM on December 17, 2006

I met my wife online so I'm not particularly weirded out by the concept but yeah, myspace is probably not the venue for anything more than chatting. Friendster in my opinion, is not any better. Social networking and matchup sites have a lot of differences. The only tangible advice I can give is that you have to be aware of everything online. It's 99% mental filtering then a lot of phone time and consideration before making the big step to meeting someone in person. Myspace is great for what it is but as a site for meeting a romantic interest, honestly, just don't.
posted by jtoth at 11:28 AM on December 17, 2006

I second OKCupid. Also, so long as you're not hideously ugly and have a nominally interesting profile, you can probably get away with a "You sound interesting. Perhaps we could meet sometime? I'm going to X (something really exciting and fun) soon, perhaps you'd like to go there too?" Sound casual, friendly.
posted by Deathalicious at 11:34 AM on December 17, 2006

MySpace is really NOT NOT NOT designed for this kind of random encounters, just-email-people-you-fancy stuff. That's dating websites. If you want that, go a dating website.

Where MySpace comes in handy, date-wise, is that if you meet a girl you like somewhere-anywhere, it's a lot less awkward to say "hey, you on MySpace?" than it is to say "so what's your number?"

Technology gradually decreases awkwardness in re-meeting cute girls. Observe the following:

- What's your home address? Olde times, when they had to write letters or go round to visit. Very awkward.
- What's your phone number? When phones started to become ubiquitous in homes. Still quite awkward, especially if their parents answer or something.
- What's your mobile number? Not really that awkward at all, especially if you just text them (which is why texting is so beloved of da kidz).
- What's your email address? Really quite casual by now. But email addresses can be a bit overly complex. Which brings us to...
- What's your MySpace/insert-social-networking-site-here. Because it's a page of stuff they want to show people as much as it is a contact mechanism, it's not at all awkward to ask for. Even better, if you can remember a few little details about the person, you can find it even if you don't remember the exact address. Magic.

The reason why each bit of technology -- texting, MySpace, etc. -- takes off is because it makes getting girls'/guys' contact details easier. Obviously, that's why teenagers got into them first.

That's my theory, and I'm sticking to it.
posted by reklaw at 12:18 PM on December 17, 2006

Deathalicious has a good idea--and I would add a group to it. "Some friends and I are going to X, would you like to join us?" If I were a hot single babe, I'd be less creeped out by an invitation to meet a small group of friendly people in a public place than by an invitation to a one-on-one date. That would also make it not-weird for me to reply, "Sure, and how about if I bring my friend, too?" Safety all around but getting to know people, too.
posted by not that girl at 12:19 PM on December 17, 2006

the idea that people aren't looking to date on myspace isn't true. i've never contacted anyone thru it, but i've been contacted several times by girls. i also know a couple girls that met guys as well from it. in my experience the lead up to actually meeting is a pretty long period of email, instant messaging, etc. i'm talking three weeks or so. generally putting no pressure on the person and making friendship the most important part is key. why would someone put dating on her profile if she wasn't looking? it would probably be better if you had some kind of point of contact though, mutual friend or something. like i said though, i don't really know about making the first move. just wanted to point out that i thought a lot of these folks were off the mark in my opinion. don't rely on just one site, try a bunch, the wider the net, etc.
posted by jmarq at 12:40 PM on December 17, 2006

If you do contact women, make sure you're not copying and pasting the contact message. I've gotten plenty of "I see we like the same bands" messages, when I don't have any bands listed! I have no other advice on how to stand out from other creeps, other than to have good pictures of yourself that don't include alcohol, other women, or your vehicle of choice. I'm pretty sure for the very few "MySpace dates" I've been on, I decided the guys weren't creepy because they could write in full sentences (if u writ like this, plz dont bother!!11) and they were good looking.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:44 PM on December 17, 2006 [1 favorite]

It will probably depend on how young & hot you are. OKcupid is still cool, but the poly people have taken over. Pretty much everybody on my "Local Matches" are poly people that list themselves as single, but really aren't. There are only a handful of actual single people, and then my girlfriend's profile pops up.

I think that you should do what many other folks don't do, and that's "be honest, and be yourself." If you're making a myspace profile, don't bling it up too much. Add CURRENT photos. I still cannot believe how many people put *awful* (like blurry 60x60 webcam photos) on profiles.

I haven't been looking for a partner because I have a girlfriend that I'm happy with, but I still take the tests on okcupid and we're always looking for other folks to go see movies/etc with.
posted by drstein at 2:12 PM on December 17, 2006

My old roommate probably hooked up with about an average of three girls a week off of MySpace. He was a really attractive guy who had (possibly too much) confidence and was pretty hilarious online and had basically no shame. I believe his technique was just to send girls that he thought were cute a message that just said "hi." I believe he had about an 80% success rate with the ones that replied.
posted by atomly at 3:14 PM on December 17, 2006

Yes, you can pick up women on MySpace. One of my close friends and her boyfriend met this way.

A few things are pretty much essential:
-Have a picture (Lack of one rings alarm bells regarding a fake profile)
-Be able to spell properly (Even if the reciever is more into "omglolz!" they'll still probably appreaciate the effort)
-Don't mention how cute or hawt or pretty she is in the first e-mail, if she really is as hawt or pretty as you claim then she's already heard it a million times.
-A simple e-mail like "YOU like Death Cab? So do iiiiii!" usually won't be enough to warrant a response. If anything, bag something out that they like but in a humorous way - they might reply to defend themselves then.
-Keep your profile detailed but not over the top. Don't give everything away.

And finally, as mentioned above:
-Being funny is the key. This is all text after all and one of the few ways you can convey an artifical "spark" is through humor.

Expect rejection if your sole intention is to hook up with these chicks, if you come in to it wanting to begin a friendship it'll be more likely to succeed.

Good luck. :) (Oh, and I have a profile - you should add me. :p)
posted by liquorice at 3:22 PM on December 17, 2006

Pay attention to their profile. Some people do not like being contacted randomly by people they don't know, and would rather add people they already know on MySpace (I am one of these people). Any one of those "hii u hott add meeeeee" requests I immediately block.

Be honest in your profile, and don't try to be sleazy. One guy on Friendster asked me to be his friend, even gave me his number - then on his profile it's all "sex university" and "kama sutra" and all that. Ew.

Basically: read the profile, and don't be sleazy.
posted by divabat at 4:14 PM on December 17, 2006

MySpace is really NOT NOT NOT designed for this kind of random encounters, just-email-people-you-fancy stuff. That's dating websites. If you want that, go a dating website.

I'm glad nobody told my wife that: we met after she randomly friended me on myspace. Two years later we're married.

I think writing people a correctly spelled and punctuated message that's not about how great their boobs are isn't at all creepy. And really, what do you have to lose?
posted by myeviltwin at 4:45 PM on December 17, 2006

I've dated three girls I met exclusively through MySpace now, and the approach was the same in both cases. (Two of them were four-month+ relationships.)

I wrote them a quick message explaining that I liked (x) about their profile, and was thrilled that theirs wasn't "sparkly pink" like the other moron's on the site, and that I also dug (x) about them, or had (x) in common. And that I'm always looking to chat with new people, and so if they wanted to, message me back or on AIM and if not, no worries.

One girl added me and started to chat me up, actually, MONTHS later, and we're dating now. Apparently, I'm interesting enough and not-creepy enough over AIM for them to be able to meet in person.

Not creepy is good. Understand that girls are getting TONS of messages from guys who start with this line:

u r fuking hot; want 2 get 2gether? we shuld hang, i'll show u my cock.

Seriously. The bar is already set ridiculously low, and I thank these guys for it. Present yourself as intelligent, able to have a conversation around their interests and not a creep, and you'll already have a leg up. (In my first conversation on AIM with current girl, I asked her what she was up with, and she wrote back "working on a thesis about SOX." Trillian-wiki hooked me up that it was the Sarbanes Oaxley Act, and I knew enough to a) banter about how much Sarbanes sucks and b) shock her that I knew what Sarbanes was. It's the little things, really. :-)
posted by disillusioned at 5:33 PM on December 17, 2006

The number of respondents in this thread vehemently claiming MySpace isn't a dating site is really surprising me. Empirically, its obvious MySpace is geared toward arranging real life encounters between individuals for a number of motives: friendship, professional, or otherwise. How odd to deny that romance isn't one of them. In fact, romance easily dwarfs the number of individuals on MySpace looking for the former type of relationships.

Just because you created a profile intended for old highschool classmates doesn't mean everyone else constrained themselves to that purpose. It also doesn't mean everyone else on MySpace is a pedophile creep either. Empathize with the OP, folks.
posted by dendrite at 3:05 AM on December 18, 2006

I'd be very wary of looking for dates on MySpace. My roommate and I did this in college (for kicks) and ended up meeting a number of very creepy people (one dude we found out later was a child molester. Another was married.)

Be funny, don't be overtly "omg you so hot lets fuck" sort of thing. If they're interested, they'll let you know.

And for the love of god, have a picture. Preferably more than just one of yourself (with friends at some entertaining function/doing something fun/drinking are all good things)
posted by sperose at 3:43 AM on December 18, 2006

The number of respondents in this thread vehemently claiming MySpace isn't a dating site is really surprising me

No kidding! There are even options to indicate your relationship status and whether you're there for dating, friends, or whatever. I met my last romance on there -- but she picked me up, thanks! (We broke up this past weekend, so add me and cheer me up.) I'd guess myspace is 50% a dating site.

sperose gives good advice for the pic -- prolly good advice for any dating site, actually. You might also post a few to hotornot (or similar) to see not only which ones that other people like the best, but which ones they dislike the most.
posted by LordSludge at 9:56 AM on December 19, 2006

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