Drowning in gifts
November 30, 2006 12:35 PM Subscribe
[PostingForGirlfriendFilter] What to do about my girlfriend's mother's excessive gift-giving?
So my girlfriend has the same problem every year at around this time (both around Christmas and her birthday, which is also in Dec.) with the gifts her mother sends. If it were simply a case of receiving gifts she didn't like, the obvious answer would be to just accept the gifts graciously and lie to the mother, but there is quite a bit more to the situation. In looking for similar threads, I found this thread which should give you some idea of the types of gifts she buys. Her mother is really quite unreasonable about the whole gift giving experience in the following ways:
-We have a small apartment, and since we are both in our 20s, we tend to move around a lot. My girlfriend has told her repeatedly that we don't have room for large gifts or things that take up a lot of space, but she insists on sending whatever she has picked out regardless of size. She also tends to send a lot of gifts at once, when we really do not have room in our apartment. My girlfriend has often requested entertainment such as CDs, DVDs, etc. that she can enjoy without filling up our apartment, but the mother will not listen to gift requests. We have actually ended up taking many of her gifts to Goodwill by the bagful just to free up space in our apartment. This affects me too, as I don't like a cluttered apartment.
-The mother is completely against "practical" gifts. In this interpretation, practical means anything my girlfriend might actually enjoy as well as mundane items that we need. We are both recently out of school, don't have much money, and would actually really appreciate it if she sent us a gift we could use. Actually my girlfriend would be quite happy if she didn't send any gifts, but gave her peace of mind by paying off some of her bills or helping her with student loans, or even a gift certificate to a chain store, but the mother won't hear of such practical gifts. Her idea of an ideal gift is a decoration for the apartment (which we don't need) or more furniture (definitely don't need).
-The gifts come with stipulations. Knowing that my girlfriend actually doesn't like many of the gifts she gets, she continues to buy the same types of gifts but will then tell my girlfriend not to give away or return any of the gifts. She expects my girlfriend to keep every single thing she gets her for all of time. Our apartment is literally filled with boxes holding previous years' gifts, and they just sit there. If it were just a matter of a few gifts, we could take them out when she came to visit, but it is small gifts by the dozens.
-The returnability of the gifts is virtually null anyway. It would be great if my girlfriend could return the gifts she doesn't like and use the money to buy something that would make her happy, but while the mother spends quite a bit of money on the gifts, they cannot really be sold on ebay or returned to a store.
-There is the issue of taste. The mother uses gift-giving to impose her tastes on my girlfriend, who feels some obligation to keep the gifts even if she doesn't like them. She doesn't understand my girlfriend's tastes at all, and sees my girlfriend's dislike of her gifts as a character flaw. She blatantly picks out gifts that she would like without thinking about my girlfriend's wants at all. Like I said before, in our apartment of limited space, we would like to set the decor with items of our choosing. She also does not know my girlfriend's size as far as clothing goes and routinely gets clothing that is too big for her.
-She attaches sentimental value to everything. Not just to the occasional gift that clearly took some thought and effort to pick out or that she made herself, but to little knick-knacks, paperclips, the boxes that the gifts come in, shoes, clothing, small pillows, everything has so much meaning and sentiment attatched to it, which notches up the guilt factor quite a bit.
-My girlfriend and I are concerned about the environment, and we are upset with the wastefulness of the gift-giving. There is the excessive packaging she uses (much of which is non-recyclable) as well as the cost in fuel to ship large items across the country. Once again, smaller gifts would solve this problem, but the mother is persistent.
I know this is coming across as us sounding terribly ungrateful and bratty, but this happens every single year, and all the guilt associated with the expectations of the mother really wears on my girlfriend, and make her hate receiving gifts when it is something that should make her happy. She has tried everything, from politely suggesting gifts (doesn't work), to asking the mother to donate the money to charity rather than spending it on her (to which she says that she will donate money to charity and buy gifts for her), to asking her to forego gifts alltogether (she won't). This upsets me, since I see the mother spending lots of money on gifts for her daughter without caring that my girlfriend doesn't like the gifts at all, when she could spend a lot less and make my girlfriend a lot happier. I suppose it'll be clear to most of you that this isn't the only issue that exists between my girlfriend and her mom, but it is one that comes up every year without fail. How do we end the madness?
So my girlfriend has the same problem every year at around this time (both around Christmas and her birthday, which is also in Dec.) with the gifts her mother sends. If it were simply a case of receiving gifts she didn't like, the obvious answer would be to just accept the gifts graciously and lie to the mother, but there is quite a bit more to the situation. In looking for similar threads, I found this thread which should give you some idea of the types of gifts she buys. Her mother is really quite unreasonable about the whole gift giving experience in the following ways:
-We have a small apartment, and since we are both in our 20s, we tend to move around a lot. My girlfriend has told her repeatedly that we don't have room for large gifts or things that take up a lot of space, but she insists on sending whatever she has picked out regardless of size. She also tends to send a lot of gifts at once, when we really do not have room in our apartment. My girlfriend has often requested entertainment such as CDs, DVDs, etc. that she can enjoy without filling up our apartment, but the mother will not listen to gift requests. We have actually ended up taking many of her gifts to Goodwill by the bagful just to free up space in our apartment. This affects me too, as I don't like a cluttered apartment.
-The mother is completely against "practical" gifts. In this interpretation, practical means anything my girlfriend might actually enjoy as well as mundane items that we need. We are both recently out of school, don't have much money, and would actually really appreciate it if she sent us a gift we could use. Actually my girlfriend would be quite happy if she didn't send any gifts, but gave her peace of mind by paying off some of her bills or helping her with student loans, or even a gift certificate to a chain store, but the mother won't hear of such practical gifts. Her idea of an ideal gift is a decoration for the apartment (which we don't need) or more furniture (definitely don't need).
-The gifts come with stipulations. Knowing that my girlfriend actually doesn't like many of the gifts she gets, she continues to buy the same types of gifts but will then tell my girlfriend not to give away or return any of the gifts. She expects my girlfriend to keep every single thing she gets her for all of time. Our apartment is literally filled with boxes holding previous years' gifts, and they just sit there. If it were just a matter of a few gifts, we could take them out when she came to visit, but it is small gifts by the dozens.
-The returnability of the gifts is virtually null anyway. It would be great if my girlfriend could return the gifts she doesn't like and use the money to buy something that would make her happy, but while the mother spends quite a bit of money on the gifts, they cannot really be sold on ebay or returned to a store.
-There is the issue of taste. The mother uses gift-giving to impose her tastes on my girlfriend, who feels some obligation to keep the gifts even if she doesn't like them. She doesn't understand my girlfriend's tastes at all, and sees my girlfriend's dislike of her gifts as a character flaw. She blatantly picks out gifts that she would like without thinking about my girlfriend's wants at all. Like I said before, in our apartment of limited space, we would like to set the decor with items of our choosing. She also does not know my girlfriend's size as far as clothing goes and routinely gets clothing that is too big for her.
-She attaches sentimental value to everything. Not just to the occasional gift that clearly took some thought and effort to pick out or that she made herself, but to little knick-knacks, paperclips, the boxes that the gifts come in, shoes, clothing, small pillows, everything has so much meaning and sentiment attatched to it, which notches up the guilt factor quite a bit.
-My girlfriend and I are concerned about the environment, and we are upset with the wastefulness of the gift-giving. There is the excessive packaging she uses (much of which is non-recyclable) as well as the cost in fuel to ship large items across the country. Once again, smaller gifts would solve this problem, but the mother is persistent.
I know this is coming across as us sounding terribly ungrateful and bratty, but this happens every single year, and all the guilt associated with the expectations of the mother really wears on my girlfriend, and make her hate receiving gifts when it is something that should make her happy. She has tried everything, from politely suggesting gifts (doesn't work), to asking the mother to donate the money to charity rather than spending it on her (to which she says that she will donate money to charity and buy gifts for her), to asking her to forego gifts alltogether (she won't). This upsets me, since I see the mother spending lots of money on gifts for her daughter without caring that my girlfriend doesn't like the gifts at all, when she could spend a lot less and make my girlfriend a lot happier. I suppose it'll be clear to most of you that this isn't the only issue that exists between my girlfriend and her mom, but it is one that comes up every year without fail. How do we end the madness?
Some people are altogether unreformably terrible at choosing gifts -- I fall into this category myself, to tell the truth -- and there's no shame in simply graciously accepting them and then donating them to a charity reseller.
You and your girlfriend aren't responsible for her reactions to this. The gifts were given, and they're then yours to do with as you like. This includes disposing of them. Her stipulations about how you use or don't use gifts are not only unreasonable (obviously), but something you should actively ignore. You're under no obligation whatsoever to concede to her ridiculous demands.
posted by majick at 12:48 PM on November 30, 2006
You and your girlfriend aren't responsible for her reactions to this. The gifts were given, and they're then yours to do with as you like. This includes disposing of them. Her stipulations about how you use or don't use gifts are not only unreasonable (obviously), but something you should actively ignore. You're under no obligation whatsoever to concede to her ridiculous demands.
posted by majick at 12:48 PM on November 30, 2006
What is your GF's relationship with her mother like outside of the whole gift-giving thing? Does she have other sisters, brothers? Are they at home or out of the house? What is your GF's mother's relationship to her own mother like?
I don't really know what is going on, but perhaps if GF's mom thought she was still remembered and appreciated (or whatever her problem is) in other ways, she'd be a little less nuts about the gifts.
Of course, there is only so much your GF should do to try an accommodate mom, and at this point, she may be doing too much.
posted by Good Brain at 12:52 PM on November 30, 2006
I don't really know what is going on, but perhaps if GF's mom thought she was still remembered and appreciated (or whatever her problem is) in other ways, she'd be a little less nuts about the gifts.
Of course, there is only so much your GF should do to try an accommodate mom, and at this point, she may be doing too much.
posted by Good Brain at 12:52 PM on November 30, 2006
If she wants to dictate what you do with the gifts after she gives them to you, she's not actually giving them to you. You have told her that her gifts aren't working for you, so your obligation is over. Not that you have to rub her face in it, but do whatever you want with the gifts you don't want. If she feels hurt enough by what you do, maybe she'll stop.
You are fortunate that you and your girlfriend are in agreement about this. If you weren't, you would have a much, much bigger problem.
posted by kindall at 12:53 PM on November 30, 2006 [1 favorite]
You are fortunate that you and your girlfriend are in agreement about this. If you weren't, you would have a much, much bigger problem.
posted by kindall at 12:53 PM on November 30, 2006 [1 favorite]
I have successfully broken my parents of this sort of thing, but they weren't being as controlling as your GF's mom is. (They were simply being a bit tone-deaf on my taste or trying too hard -- they now just accept that I'm particular and that they can no more select furniture that I like than try on my jeans for me.)
She may have some success if she is willing to out-and-out refuse the gifts, explaining that they're the wrong color/size/shape.
posted by desuetude at 12:54 PM on November 30, 2006
She may have some success if she is willing to out-and-out refuse the gifts, explaining that they're the wrong color/size/shape.
posted by desuetude at 12:54 PM on November 30, 2006
Also, and this is something that took me forever to learn about my dad (who gets under my skin in a totally different way), the gifts are her mom's way of saying "I love you." When you reject the gifts she feels like you are rejecting her love. So, make sure you try to do other things that show her that that's not the case, to make up for the way you handle the gifts.
posted by kindall at 12:57 PM on November 30, 2006 [2 favorites]
posted by kindall at 12:57 PM on November 30, 2006 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: What is your GF's relationship with her mother like outside of the whole gift-giving thing?
Without getting into details, lukewarm at best with a fairly rocky past. Entirely plausible that the gift-giving is an attempt to assuage guilt from the past.
Does she have other sisters, brothers? Are they at home or out of the house?
Only child.
What is your GF's mother's relationship to her own mother like?
Not entirely sure.
Knowing their history and relationship, this phenomenon doesn't really surprise me, but it would be nice to find a polite way to make it stop.
posted by SBMike at 1:09 PM on November 30, 2006
Without getting into details, lukewarm at best with a fairly rocky past. Entirely plausible that the gift-giving is an attempt to assuage guilt from the past.
Does she have other sisters, brothers? Are they at home or out of the house?
Only child.
What is your GF's mother's relationship to her own mother like?
Not entirely sure.
Knowing their history and relationship, this phenomenon doesn't really surprise me, but it would be nice to find a polite way to make it stop.
posted by SBMike at 1:09 PM on November 30, 2006
I have had this problem with my parents for years. Realizing eventually that I would never be successful at getting them to stop buying me things (Honestly, who spends 100s of dollars on Christmas for their 36 year old son??), I have had to be VERY directive, repeatedly saying "Gee what I'd REALLY like to have is...", usually something expensive enough to eat up what I estimate their budget to be. I hate the consumerism of Xmas and this makes me uncomfortable asking for and expecting gifts, but there were only so many goddamn Vermont Teddy Bears I could take to Goodwill, especially when they started coming monogrammed.
Could you introduce her to Amazon wish lists?
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 1:25 PM on November 30, 2006
Could you introduce her to Amazon wish lists?
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 1:25 PM on November 30, 2006
Best answer: Maybe it's time for a grand gesture - something that will (1) make the mom PAUSE, (2) absorb the message that your gf loves her and does not need gifts to feel loved by her, and (3) re-evaluate the gift giving.
Sometimes I think people tune out what they don't want to hear, even if they hear it repeatedly, but they can be stunned into listening if the dialogue is broken by a sudden, dramatic event. In my case, it's usually that my bf gets so aggravated with me that he starts yelling, and then I finally pay attention and make the effort he's been asking for all along.
Since yelling at her probably wouldn't be appropriate, what about something dramatic but nice? This doesn't seem quite dramatic enough, but maybe she could write a poem (saying gf loves her, doesn't need these gifts to feel loved, & possibly also something comical about your tiny apartment or other gripes), print it out beautifully, frame it and send it to her.
Btw, this needs to be nipped in the bud. Imagine what your lives will be like if she's a grandma!
posted by Amizu at 1:30 PM on November 30, 2006
Sometimes I think people tune out what they don't want to hear, even if they hear it repeatedly, but they can be stunned into listening if the dialogue is broken by a sudden, dramatic event. In my case, it's usually that my bf gets so aggravated with me that he starts yelling, and then I finally pay attention and make the effort he's been asking for all along.
Since yelling at her probably wouldn't be appropriate, what about something dramatic but nice? This doesn't seem quite dramatic enough, but maybe she could write a poem (saying gf loves her, doesn't need these gifts to feel loved, & possibly also something comical about your tiny apartment or other gripes), print it out beautifully, frame it and send it to her.
Btw, this needs to be nipped in the bud. Imagine what your lives will be like if she's a grandma!
posted by Amizu at 1:30 PM on November 30, 2006
Given that you've tried rational and adult behaviour, unfortunately, I think the only thing that would work is moving and not leaving a forwarding address. Basically, your girlfriend is related to someone who apparently has some kind of illness and she (yr girl) is sweet enough to tolerate that without going ballistic. There is, apparently, no simple or easy solution here.
posted by b33j at 1:30 PM on November 30, 2006
posted by b33j at 1:30 PM on November 30, 2006
This appears to be some sort of mother/daughter power play, bigger than physical objects, or your long list of excuses (concerned about the environment? This isn't the felling of a forest; it's a few boxes once a year from the woman who bore you. Deal.) What if your girlfriend stopped fighting it? That seems to be the most reasonable answer here. Let Mom buy whatever she wants. Smile, say thank you, give her a big hug!! Go home, laugh at how ugly the gift is. Donate to church rummage sale, take to White Elephant party, or regift. Repeat yearly. Why should your girlfriend get any say in what her mother gives her for Christmas? Mom wants to buy gifts, let her buy the gifts. Stop doing the 15 year old girl dance of "Moooom, I know what's best for me!!!111", and maybe things will quiet down.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:54 PM on November 30, 2006 [2 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:54 PM on November 30, 2006 [2 favorites]
This is very difficult for a little while, but it will work. Be open about it, completely honest, and firm. Insist that Mom give just one or two gifts, or even none. 'Extras' will be given away. Also, give away the gifts from past years, and tell her you've done so. Mom will ask, "But don't you like the things I've given you?" Tell the truth. You don't have space for the stuff, but also you don't like any of it. Your taste is very different from hers. "I'm so sorry to be hurting your feelings, but I want to be truthful." If she says you're weird or a scrooge or rigid, then you can answer, "Maybe I am."
It'll be hard for you to do. She'll feel hurt; she'll get over it. Truth has a very powerful positive effect on family relationships. You're never going to have any kind of meaningful connection with your mother if you don't level with her about the gift thing. And there are going to be lots of occasions in the future where honesty will be difficult, yet important. Start now.
posted by wryly at 2:06 PM on November 30, 2006
It'll be hard for you to do. She'll feel hurt; she'll get over it. Truth has a very powerful positive effect on family relationships. You're never going to have any kind of meaningful connection with your mother if you don't level with her about the gift thing. And there are going to be lots of occasions in the future where honesty will be difficult, yet important. Start now.
posted by wryly at 2:06 PM on November 30, 2006
Do you and your girlfriend open the gifts in front of the mother? If so, have two trashbags ready. One for wrapping paper, boxes, etc. and the other for the gifts. When she asks why you're placing her gifts into a trashbag, tell her that they're going directly to Goodwill and it's just easier to bag them up right then and there.
Is this mean? Definitely, but I think it'd get the point across.
posted by deborah at 2:21 PM on November 30, 2006
Is this mean? Definitely, but I think it'd get the point across.
posted by deborah at 2:21 PM on November 30, 2006
Kindall's advice is wonderful.
As for making the gift-lady pause, how about this?
1. Load up all the gifts you have accumulated into a van. Seriously everything she's given you two that you don't want.
2. The two of you drive to visit mom. When you get there, unload everything at her house. Explain that this is everything that she's given you that you don't have room for, how uncomfortable you are knowing she'd be hurt if you just got rid of it, and ask her for advice on what to do with it.
3. Suggest that all of you go through it together and figure out which things you (or she) can actually keep. Hopefully when she sees it all together in one place, she will realize the volume of it and see how ridiculous it is.
4. As for the stuff, you can tell her that you'd like to have a yard sale, or you can tell her that you've arranged for a charity to come pick up the stuff that none of you can use. But whatever you do, don't go home with any of it that you don't want. Leave it at her house, give her a couple of days to let it sink in. By the time the yard sale happens or the charity picks up the stuff, hopefully she'll get the point. This may seem like a rude inconvenience, but I bet her house is bigger than yours and besides it will give her an idea of what you live with every day. If she protests the inconvenience or unsightliness, you can tell her this: "Now you know how we feel all the time."
If she gets hurt by this gesture, the good thing is that the two of you are right there to tell her, as Kindall said, how much she and her giving spirit mean to you, but that her generosity is misdirected. Then take her out to dinner. When you get back home and she sees all those creepy boxes still sitting there in a pile, maybe something will register and she'll realize they are a barrier to her love, not a symbol of it.
And if there's no way to face this without hurting her or pissing her off, do it anyway. Like wryly says, you can either do it now, or do it later, but it will have to happen eventually. Moms don't stay hurt or pissed forever-- eventually her love will win over her pride and she'll accept your girlfriend's terms.
posted by hermitosis at 2:27 PM on November 30, 2006 [1 favorite]
As for making the gift-lady pause, how about this?
1. Load up all the gifts you have accumulated into a van. Seriously everything she's given you two that you don't want.
2. The two of you drive to visit mom. When you get there, unload everything at her house. Explain that this is everything that she's given you that you don't have room for, how uncomfortable you are knowing she'd be hurt if you just got rid of it, and ask her for advice on what to do with it.
3. Suggest that all of you go through it together and figure out which things you (or she) can actually keep. Hopefully when she sees it all together in one place, she will realize the volume of it and see how ridiculous it is.
4. As for the stuff, you can tell her that you'd like to have a yard sale, or you can tell her that you've arranged for a charity to come pick up the stuff that none of you can use. But whatever you do, don't go home with any of it that you don't want. Leave it at her house, give her a couple of days to let it sink in. By the time the yard sale happens or the charity picks up the stuff, hopefully she'll get the point. This may seem like a rude inconvenience, but I bet her house is bigger than yours and besides it will give her an idea of what you live with every day. If she protests the inconvenience or unsightliness, you can tell her this: "Now you know how we feel all the time."
If she gets hurt by this gesture, the good thing is that the two of you are right there to tell her, as Kindall said, how much she and her giving spirit mean to you, but that her generosity is misdirected. Then take her out to dinner. When you get back home and she sees all those creepy boxes still sitting there in a pile, maybe something will register and she'll realize they are a barrier to her love, not a symbol of it.
And if there's no way to face this without hurting her or pissing her off, do it anyway. Like wryly says, you can either do it now, or do it later, but it will have to happen eventually. Moms don't stay hurt or pissed forever-- eventually her love will win over her pride and she'll accept your girlfriend's terms.
posted by hermitosis at 2:27 PM on November 30, 2006 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Hermitosis, that's an excellent idea, but the 3000 miles between us and our limited budget make it virtually impossible right now. I'll keep it in mind for the future though, if other suggestions don't work.
posted by SBMike at 2:37 PM on November 30, 2006
posted by SBMike at 2:37 PM on November 30, 2006
Send it all back.
My ex had parents who were well-intentioned but tone-deaf when it came to gifts. We'd try to gently discourage the kinds of gifts that we found unusable (our situation and preferences were much like yours, I think), but this only resulted in more, and more comically unusable gifts. One Christmas it got so bad that my ex was literally moved to tears.
We sent everything back, and she had a serious talk explaining that she appreciated the spirit behind the gifts, but not the gifts. Things dramatically improved after that. It will take action at least as blunt in this case, which seems overlaid with more pathology. Good luck.
posted by adamrice at 2:58 PM on November 30, 2006
My ex had parents who were well-intentioned but tone-deaf when it came to gifts. We'd try to gently discourage the kinds of gifts that we found unusable (our situation and preferences were much like yours, I think), but this only resulted in more, and more comically unusable gifts. One Christmas it got so bad that my ex was literally moved to tears.
We sent everything back, and she had a serious talk explaining that she appreciated the spirit behind the gifts, but not the gifts. Things dramatically improved after that. It will take action at least as blunt in this case, which seems overlaid with more pathology. Good luck.
posted by adamrice at 2:58 PM on November 30, 2006
Wow. If 3000 miles can't remedy the situation...
posted by quadrinary at 3:10 PM on November 30, 2006
posted by quadrinary at 3:10 PM on November 30, 2006
Maybe a paradoxical intervention would work here. Tell her you *love* the gifts. Tell her you want more and more. Everytime you talk to her ask her for more gifts. Don't let a single conversation or letter go by without a request for more gifts.
Hopefully, she'll start seeing the two of you as spoiled, and she'll feel that she's being a good parent by weaning you off gifts altogether.
posted by jasper411 at 3:30 PM on November 30, 2006 [1 favorite]
Hopefully, she'll start seeing the two of you as spoiled, and she'll feel that she's being a good parent by weaning you off gifts altogether.
posted by jasper411 at 3:30 PM on November 30, 2006 [1 favorite]
"Mom, I love you, but it's the thought that counts. So far the thought is that you don't care about our wishes, don't respect our taste, and won't listen to us explain clearly that your gifts are making you happy but us unhappy. We insist that the only gifts we'll accept from you are donations to charity."
And then stick to it. After the fight blows over, you'll all be on good speaking terms by May or June.
posted by anildash at 4:53 PM on November 30, 2006
And then stick to it. After the fight blows over, you'll all be on good speaking terms by May or June.
posted by anildash at 4:53 PM on November 30, 2006
Sell the gifts on, then donate the money to a charity, and get the donation made in the mother's name so she receives a thank-you card for $x. When she asks, explain politely what you did and why. Tell her she should skip the middle man and just donate the money, as her gift to her daughter.
posted by tracicle at 5:21 PM on November 30, 2006
posted by tracicle at 5:21 PM on November 30, 2006
It is a control thing. You have to be mean. When you get them call her up immediately (if not in person) and tell her that you did not want this, that they have no value to you and that you wish to return them. Do not take no for an answer. I was in a similar situation, I said nothing was better than this. I get very little gifts and get a guilt trip every year for being "spoiled". Sorry, getting clothes in which you specifically stated you did not want (in a style your mother wishes you to dress in), furniture which does not fit in with the decor and other things that are overt attempts to control your life are annoying and stressful. It sounds like a "good problem to have", but it is not.
Do not expect this to end well, it won't. You will be, on the other hand, better for it.
posted by geoff. at 5:41 PM on November 30, 2006
Do not expect this to end well, it won't. You will be, on the other hand, better for it.
posted by geoff. at 5:41 PM on November 30, 2006
Sounds like all you can do is feed the items directly into a charity. Then write to Mom and say "Thank you for X, Y, and Z. Since we have no room, we have donated them to Foo Charity, who appreciated them very much."
If mom STILL doesn't get the hint, then at the very least a charity gets something it might possibly be able to sell.
posted by drstein at 6:03 PM on November 30, 2006
If mom STILL doesn't get the hint, then at the very least a charity gets something it might possibly be able to sell.
posted by drstein at 6:03 PM on November 30, 2006
My MIL does this. Gives us totally crazy cheap and tacky stuff, tries to impose her taste on our decor, etc. etc. Ties huge amounts of sentimentality and meaning to everything about the gift.
We live in a 700 sq. ft. cottage and enjoy the minimalism it enforces. I shop with caution and weed out my own items on a regular basis. My husband has been giving her offerings the brushoff for years before I even met him (this helped greatly to ease my guilt). We've tried telling her, begging, pleading, etc.
This year we had a yard sale - at her house, because she lives in a better neighborhood. Along with everything else we brought many of the gifts and were really low-key about it. She was a little hurt. We gently reminded her all the same things we'd said before.
It was okay overall. In the end she actually took out a few things to re-gift to someone else. She may leave us off her shopping list this year. We'd be very happy with that result. We can all show love in other ways.
Be kind and careful if you try something similar.
posted by FuzzyVerde at 7:14 PM on November 30, 2006
We live in a 700 sq. ft. cottage and enjoy the minimalism it enforces. I shop with caution and weed out my own items on a regular basis. My husband has been giving her offerings the brushoff for years before I even met him (this helped greatly to ease my guilt). We've tried telling her, begging, pleading, etc.
This year we had a yard sale - at her house, because she lives in a better neighborhood. Along with everything else we brought many of the gifts and were really low-key about it. She was a little hurt. We gently reminded her all the same things we'd said before.
It was okay overall. In the end she actually took out a few things to re-gift to someone else. She may leave us off her shopping list this year. We'd be very happy with that result. We can all show love in other ways.
Be kind and careful if you try something similar.
posted by FuzzyVerde at 7:14 PM on November 30, 2006
jasper411, that kind of reverse psychology might work with a five-year-old but this situation seems a bit more complicated.
Lots of good advice above about trying to recognize the underlying message behind the ham-fisted gift-giving. For those of us (I hope most of us) with sane, well-meaning, and loving parent(s) with terrible taste, that's a very useful insight. In this case, I suspect the underlying message isn't "I love you" as much as "I own you."
I like hermitosis's suggestion, for the reasons stated. Since it's geographically impossible, here's a potential adaptation. (From here on out, I'm talking to your girlfriend.)
* Make one more good-faith effort to talk to your mother about this. Tell her that you appreciate the effort and the money she puts into the gifts, and you recognize them as a representation of her love. But this year has been especially hard and the very most loving thing she could do this year would be to pay this month's student loan, or credit card bill, or whatever. Be explicit. Stress the temporary nature of the request.
* When this doesn't work and you get the same bale of crap, pack it all up in the box it came in. Get out all the boxes of unwanted crap you've been dragging around from place to place, and get them ready to mail. (Air-popped popcorn is an excellent and environmentally friendly packing material.) Send it all back to your mom. Every single item. (USPS book rate is very, very cheap.)
* When everything's sent, give yourself an entire afternoon with nothing but yourself and a pad of paper and a pen/pencil. Imagine the worst possible reaction your mother might have. Imagine all the possible reactions, from you, your boyfriend, your best friend, the random AskMe commenter. If you're visual, draw it. If you're verbal, write it.
* Send a letter to your mother to explain what you're sending and why, saying pretty much what hermitosis suggested, plus anything specific you want to add.
* She'll be horrified/angry/vindictive, whatever. But you've anticipated that, and you've played with various reactions.
You're an adult and you have the option of including your mother in your life, or not. If including her causes you more pain than excluding her—then you should exclude her. You don't owe her the mortgage on a happy, self-sufficient adulthood.
posted by vetiver at 7:39 PM on November 30, 2006
Lots of good advice above about trying to recognize the underlying message behind the ham-fisted gift-giving. For those of us (I hope most of us) with sane, well-meaning, and loving parent(s) with terrible taste, that's a very useful insight. In this case, I suspect the underlying message isn't "I love you" as much as "I own you."
I like hermitosis's suggestion, for the reasons stated. Since it's geographically impossible, here's a potential adaptation. (From here on out, I'm talking to your girlfriend.)
* Make one more good-faith effort to talk to your mother about this. Tell her that you appreciate the effort and the money she puts into the gifts, and you recognize them as a representation of her love. But this year has been especially hard and the very most loving thing she could do this year would be to pay this month's student loan, or credit card bill, or whatever. Be explicit. Stress the temporary nature of the request.
* When this doesn't work and you get the same bale of crap, pack it all up in the box it came in. Get out all the boxes of unwanted crap you've been dragging around from place to place, and get them ready to mail. (Air-popped popcorn is an excellent and environmentally friendly packing material.) Send it all back to your mom. Every single item. (USPS book rate is very, very cheap.)
* When everything's sent, give yourself an entire afternoon with nothing but yourself and a pad of paper and a pen/pencil. Imagine the worst possible reaction your mother might have. Imagine all the possible reactions, from you, your boyfriend, your best friend, the random AskMe commenter. If you're visual, draw it. If you're verbal, write it.
* Send a letter to your mother to explain what you're sending and why, saying pretty much what hermitosis suggested, plus anything specific you want to add.
* She'll be horrified/angry/vindictive, whatever. But you've anticipated that, and you've played with various reactions.
You're an adult and you have the option of including your mother in your life, or not. If including her causes you more pain than excluding her—then you should exclude her. You don't owe her the mortgage on a happy, self-sufficient adulthood.
posted by vetiver at 7:39 PM on November 30, 2006
I think she doesn't like you and is trying to get you to split with your g/f by being hideously irritating. Possible?
posted by vanoakenfold at 10:20 PM on November 30, 2006
posted by vanoakenfold at 10:20 PM on November 30, 2006
vetiver, fwiw, my suggestion was inspired by an actual paradoxical intervention done by Paul Watzlawick, who was one of the early MRI/Palo Alto group members back when systems theory/family therapy was first being invented. I can't find the exact citation at the moment, but to my recollection it was a situation very similar to this one, where the parents of a married couple kept insisting on something (I believe it was giving money) to the couple, even though the couple found it insulting and kept trying to refuse it.
Watzlawick and his colleagues suggested a paradoxical solution and it worked exactly as intended. The parents felt that "being a good parent" required them to back off and refuse further "requests" for money from the couple.
The lesson may be that we're all 5 year olds in some ways.
posted by jasper411 at 9:08 AM on December 1, 2006
Watzlawick and his colleagues suggested a paradoxical solution and it worked exactly as intended. The parents felt that "being a good parent" required them to back off and refuse further "requests" for money from the couple.
The lesson may be that we're all 5 year olds in some ways.
posted by jasper411 at 9:08 AM on December 1, 2006
Sell the crap on ebay. They don't call it fleabay for nothin'.
posted by Mr. Gunn at 9:29 AM on December 1, 2006
posted by Mr. Gunn at 9:29 AM on December 1, 2006
Response by poster:
I think she doesn't like you and is trying to get you to split with your g/f by being hideously irritating. Possible?
Nah, she thinks I'm a sweetheart. Plus, this has been going on since long before I showed up.
posted by SBMike at 9:58 AM on December 1, 2006
I think she doesn't like you and is trying to get you to split with your g/f by being hideously irritating. Possible?
Nah, she thinks I'm a sweetheart. Plus, this has been going on since long before I showed up.
posted by SBMike at 9:58 AM on December 1, 2006
I have the same problem, except multiplied because I've got 3 kids. We have actually said to her "Please do not bring another thing into this house" and then itemized what not to bring. (coffee mugs, clothes, candles, yarn, food etc...) This works for a while, and then wears off.
Consider that her problem isn't giving gifts, it may be obsessive shopping. I'm convinced my mother in law buys things, and then figures out what to do with them later.
I'll bet your girlfriend's mother has a closet full of clothes with the tags still on them.
Sorry to vent but if you find a solution, I'd love to hear it too.
posted by hilby at 11:05 AM on December 1, 2006 [1 favorite]
Consider that her problem isn't giving gifts, it may be obsessive shopping. I'm convinced my mother in law buys things, and then figures out what to do with them later.
I'll bet your girlfriend's mother has a closet full of clothes with the tags still on them.
Sorry to vent but if you find a solution, I'd love to hear it too.
posted by hilby at 11:05 AM on December 1, 2006 [1 favorite]
I'm going to go against everyone else here and say that I do think you sound rather ungrateful. Gifts are gifts. You have no control over what you get.
The mother is wrong for suggesting that her daughter has to keep everything. Once you get a gift, it's up to you what you want to do with it. There is no need to be impolite and rub the mom's nose in the fact that you have sold it or given certain gifts away, but there is no need for you to keep everything, either.
It also makes no sense to me that you say these items cannot be sold on ebay. Practically everything except children can be sold on ebay. You can also try Craigslist, which won't involve shipping.
Your girlfriend's mom probably sees her gifts of shoes, clothing and furniture as "practical," even though you do not. It is not her obligation to pay off your bills or your student loans, or to give you gift certificates or gifts that you can exchange for cash. It is also not her obligation to give something to charity instead of to her daughter, though the fact that the mom agreed to compromise by giving something both to charity and to her daughter does not seem unreasonable. Finally, you do realize that you are complaining about the fact that your gifts are shipped in things like cardboard boxes and contain such horrors as plastic bags full of of air and packaging peanuts, right?
Your post make it sound like this happens once per year in December, during the month of both Christmas and your girlfriend's birthday. I guess to me it just does not seem like that much of an imposition that for one month per year you will be deluged with gifts that you and/or your girlfriend may not really want. Your girlfriend's mom is allowed to do whatever she wants with her own money, and while it is really too bad that she can't seem to get a grip on gifts her daughter wants, I don't think it's something you can control. Just like she can't control what you send to her.
Maybe I'm underestimating your girlfriend's emotional reaction to this and/or how bad the gifts really are. But gifts are like family -- you don't get to choose them.
posted by onlyconnect at 12:52 PM on December 1, 2006
The mother is wrong for suggesting that her daughter has to keep everything. Once you get a gift, it's up to you what you want to do with it. There is no need to be impolite and rub the mom's nose in the fact that you have sold it or given certain gifts away, but there is no need for you to keep everything, either.
It also makes no sense to me that you say these items cannot be sold on ebay. Practically everything except children can be sold on ebay. You can also try Craigslist, which won't involve shipping.
Your girlfriend's mom probably sees her gifts of shoes, clothing and furniture as "practical," even though you do not. It is not her obligation to pay off your bills or your student loans, or to give you gift certificates or gifts that you can exchange for cash. It is also not her obligation to give something to charity instead of to her daughter, though the fact that the mom agreed to compromise by giving something both to charity and to her daughter does not seem unreasonable. Finally, you do realize that you are complaining about the fact that your gifts are shipped in things like cardboard boxes and contain such horrors as plastic bags full of of air and packaging peanuts, right?
Your post make it sound like this happens once per year in December, during the month of both Christmas and your girlfriend's birthday. I guess to me it just does not seem like that much of an imposition that for one month per year you will be deluged with gifts that you and/or your girlfriend may not really want. Your girlfriend's mom is allowed to do whatever she wants with her own money, and while it is really too bad that she can't seem to get a grip on gifts her daughter wants, I don't think it's something you can control. Just like she can't control what you send to her.
Maybe I'm underestimating your girlfriend's emotional reaction to this and/or how bad the gifts really are. But gifts are like family -- you don't get to choose them.
posted by onlyconnect at 12:52 PM on December 1, 2006
This is a small adaptation to Hermitosis's idea that should be done along with something else...
Take pictures of all the boxes in the apartment. ALL of them. Show them cluttering up your walk way. Show them in your sitting area. Show them everywhere, including the bathroom and kitchen. (You could have fun arranging this stuff in comical ways)
Send the pics to Mom as a "Oh look at how we're using your gift" thank you card. Explain that this is how your place always looks, essentially showing how much it clutters things up for you. In the accompanying letter, an implied jab at her expectations for keeping the gifts.
You can take the implied route with the thank you note or the being truthful "OMG, STOP SENDING THIS STUFF, I CAN'T GO TO THE BATHROOM W/O TRIPPING OVER ONE OF YOUR GIFTS". And as I said before, probably not enough on it's own, combine it with another suggestion depending on the route you want to go.
posted by coreb at 9:40 AM on December 3, 2006
Take pictures of all the boxes in the apartment. ALL of them. Show them cluttering up your walk way. Show them in your sitting area. Show them everywhere, including the bathroom and kitchen. (You could have fun arranging this stuff in comical ways)
Send the pics to Mom as a "Oh look at how we're using your gift" thank you card. Explain that this is how your place always looks, essentially showing how much it clutters things up for you. In the accompanying letter, an implied jab at her expectations for keeping the gifts.
You can take the implied route with the thank you note or the being truthful "OMG, STOP SENDING THIS STUFF, I CAN'T GO TO THE BATHROOM W/O TRIPPING OVER ONE OF YOUR GIFTS". And as I said before, probably not enough on it's own, combine it with another suggestion depending on the route you want to go.
posted by coreb at 9:40 AM on December 3, 2006
Hi SBMike,
Late to this, I know, but your girlfriend wouldn't have happened to Ask Prudence (Slate) the same question, by any chance?
posted by Boobus Tuber at 3:31 PM on December 14, 2006
Late to this, I know, but your girlfriend wouldn't have happened to Ask Prudence (Slate) the same question, by any chance?
posted by Boobus Tuber at 3:31 PM on December 14, 2006
Is she trying to fill your house with junk maybe? I'm a minimalist-hoarder... I have no dinning table as it will get in the way of my space. Hmm and I have no coffee table either (that was more out of not really finding a real demand for having my legs brutalized by a useless crap recepticle though to be quite honest). Anyway people always want to fill your space, what is with that?
'A gift' means two happy parties otherwise it's more aptly described when you add grudging, thoughtless or unwanted ect. So by definition you sorry your girl rather is not receiving 'gifts'. It's too late for this now but an innocent sidestep initially would've been to send them back. As "I hate that/not even remotely my size/*insert blunt and obvious* so I just assumed it was a mix up and figured whoever it was intended for might like to have it... What? Was that stuff for me... Oh...But why? Yeah *reiterrate why inappropriate* so no harm done then!! - Because* - I'm sure somebody will want/enjoy it."
So now she just needs to be blunt. "I hate this. I want it to stop. There is nothing sentimental about it because I hate it. You like it? So keep it at your house where I will hate it alot less. If you want it to mean something to me take ME into consideration when attaching sentimental worth to whatever YOU please. I can assure you all this fucking rubbish and all the bullshit over it from you is actually beginning to take on a meaning that will stay with me long after I've managed to offload it all! And it's hardly flattering."
Then change tack - How you say it is far more crucial than what. Initially let it all out so she can see just what that junk means to you and then soften everything but explain that in order for you to even be inclined to like any of ALL of her gifts. She's got to wake up and meet you halfway at worst. Or it's not a gift (qualifying as thoughtless or unwanted hardly counts).
Something like that should do the trick! Both of you grow some balls (jealousy is not your colour in the slightest, is it mate?) and you'll be just fine!
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 3:40 AM on July 28, 2007 [1 favorite]
'A gift' means two happy parties otherwise it's more aptly described when you add grudging, thoughtless or unwanted ect. So by definition you sorry your girl rather is not receiving 'gifts'. It's too late for this now but an innocent sidestep initially would've been to send them back. As "I hate that/not even remotely my size/*insert blunt and obvious* so I just assumed it was a mix up and figured whoever it was intended for might like to have it... What? Was that stuff for me... Oh...But why? Yeah *reiterrate why inappropriate* so no harm done then!! - Because* - I'm sure somebody will want/enjoy it."
So now she just needs to be blunt. "I hate this. I want it to stop. There is nothing sentimental about it because I hate it. You like it? So keep it at your house where I will hate it alot less. If you want it to mean something to me take ME into consideration when attaching sentimental worth to whatever YOU please. I can assure you all this fucking rubbish and all the bullshit over it from you is actually beginning to take on a meaning that will stay with me long after I've managed to offload it all! And it's hardly flattering."
Then change tack - How you say it is far more crucial than what. Initially let it all out so she can see just what that junk means to you and then soften everything but explain that in order for you to even be inclined to like any of ALL of her gifts. She's got to wake up and meet you halfway at worst. Or it's not a gift (qualifying as thoughtless or unwanted hardly counts).
Something like that should do the trick! Both of you grow some balls (jealousy is not your colour in the slightest, is it mate?) and you'll be just fine!
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 3:40 AM on July 28, 2007 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Maybe if you point out this arrangement to her it'll pacify her and she'll lay off the guilt, especially if you shed a positive light on it ("We appreciate that you think of us, but we just don't have enough room in this tiny place for everything, so we're keeping it safe and displaying a few things that remind us of you"). And maybe next year she'll even pay for your unit.
posted by christinetheslp at 12:43 PM on November 30, 2006