Shivah

November 6, 2006 10:24 PM

Funeral Question: A friend's father recently passed away after a 6 month bout with leukemia and her family is sitting Shivah tomorrow evening. What should I bring and what customs should I be prepared for? One friend said we're supposed to bring food but what kind? Also, I have a feeling there might be tons of food so is there something more lasting I could bring? The Shivah will be held at a home that is kept kosher and may be orthodox or at least very close to it

and sorry if I have my terminology all screwed up but I'm a pretty agnostic christian. Thanks for all your help, just don't want to step on any toes

posted by slapshot57 to Society & Culture (5 answers total)

Jewish funeral customs
What to bring to a shiva

If it's anything like my friend's recent shiva, they were overwhelmed with rich comfort foods. We brought a giant basket of fruit and a vegetable platter with hummous, and they were very glad to have healthy stuff around. (Food that would keep would also be good.)
posted by LobsterMitten at 10:41 PM on November 6, 2006

If they are orthodox, i would not advise you to bring any food or gift at all- During Shiva, men and women sit in seperate rooms, and on low chairs (think chairs with sawed off legs).

you should come, dressed appropriately (a women wearing shorts, for example, would be a bad idea to wear to a shiva call...)

just come and sit and before you leave say the traditional prayer... "Hamakom Yenachem Etchem B'toch shaar aveilei tzion v"yerushalayim"

if you feel that you need to bring something, i would order a fruit/salad/platter from a rabinically supervised establishment.
posted by Izzmeister at 10:46 PM on November 6, 2006

The first link I mentioned has information about what to serve at a shiva when at least some of the attendees will be orthodox. Uncut fruit should be fine even if they are orthodox. (If they are orthodox, cutting fruit or veggies with a knife from your un-kosher kitchen would render the fruit or veggies un-kosher.)
posted by LobsterMitten at 11:13 PM on November 6, 2006

Bring packaged food that is clearly marked as kosher (look for a circle with a K in it, thoough there are a zillion other kinds of markings). This way there is no need for anyone to wonder about or question your preparation methods, and allows the family to easily donate or pass on the food if it's not their particular kind of kosher. It may be easier just to bring a few bottles of juice or sparkling water, since they are generally well marked and will keep.

I don't think anyone will expect you to say any prayers. Just be there to be with your friend. If they are very Orthodox, be prepared that people not of your gender may not want to touch you or shake your hand.
posted by judith at 7:01 AM on November 7, 2006

You can't go wrong with packaged food that is marked kosher or with sealed food from a certifiable kosher establishment (try someplace near where they live). But honestly, while bringing food is traditional, it is not mandatory. Your presence will be much appreciated, and since they must know you aren't jewish, they won't expect you to know exactly what to do. Be quiet and polite and dress modestly. Also - you don't need to stay for the whole evening - an hour is fine if you didn't know the deceased well. (Sounds like you primarily know the daughter.) If you are very close to the daughter, and feel OK while there, you can stay longer.
posted by AuntLisa at 10:24 AM on November 7, 2006