When should I bring up that I don't want to have kids?

September 4, 2006 6:04 PM

I've been dating this girl for about a month now and things are going good. When should I bring up that I don't want to have kids? (So far it hasn't really come up either way)

Obviously, the day before we hypothetically get married would be too late, but I don't want to spook her by bringing it up too early either. I've also set up an address if you have questions or private comments for me: [e-mail].

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (39 answers total)

Well, a lot of it depends on your ages. If you're both in your early 20s, I see no rush. But if you're in your mid-30s, on the other hand, you may want to bring it up sooner.
posted by Ostara at 6:12 PM on September 4, 2006

I would urge you to mention this to her as SOON as possible. For many this is a deal breaker, and its not negotiable. For others, its not a big deal. Watching one of best friends, I've seen the agony of two people who really love each other but who have differing views on having children. They have broken up several times but are convinced that are they are each the love of one another's life. Except she desparately wants to be a mother and he doesn't want to be a father.

Don't create that kind of dilemma for you or for her. And if you are fixed on not having children, make that very very clear. If you are more of a maybe, also make that clear.
posted by zia at 6:12 PM on September 4, 2006

Seconding zia. As a mid-20s woman who definitely wants to have children, I appreciate knowing right away. Once, some guy dropped it into a flirtatious party conversation. It didn't spook me -- I appreciated it immensely. Zero time wasted wondering if I'd want to date him. It worked because he dropped it in the conversation really smoothly, not implying I was trying to marry him, just sharing a neutral fact about himself. It was actually too early for me to take it as a personal message. I would consider that period the best possible time to make known you don't want children.
posted by beatrice at 6:34 PM on September 4, 2006

Most girls/women are pretty likely to not take too kindly to this idea. As stated before, your ages make a difference here. If she is 18 she won't even be thinking about it; 32 and you don't stand a chance.

Be it right or wrong, you may need to quite a while into the relationship to really sell yourself (love) until mentioning how strongly you feel about this.
posted by Slenny at 6:36 PM on September 4, 2006

I'd say the opposite from most of the responses so far: don't bring it up, and let her get around to it when she wants to. But be prepared with a careful answer, holding her hands, etc. I am veeery lucky to have found a wonderful woman who feels the same way I do -- other people's kids are great, none for us thanks. That said, I realize you're in for a world of hurt if you get deep into the relationship and realize that you don't see eye to eye (or zygote to zygote).
posted by intermod at 6:44 PM on September 4, 2006

Ask her where she sees herself in 10 (or 5, depending on her age) years. If she wants kids, she'll probably mention them in her future scenario. Then she'll ask you the same question, and you can say that you don't see yourself having children (along with whatever else you do see for yourself). This will pretty easily lead into a conversation wherein it will probably become obvious that you're either compatible or not.
posted by amro at 6:47 PM on September 4, 2006 [1 favorite]

I should also have said: do the above in casual conversation.
posted by amro at 6:48 PM on September 4, 2006

Again, seconding that it may depend on what your ages are. Most men who don't want to be fathers feel that way for a reason, you can bring it up naturally in conversation, since it is a part of you. It doesn't imply anything about the future of the relationship, but more of a refinement on who you are.

Be prepared for her to feel shock and amazement. Women really are hardwired to want to have children and cannot conceive (pun intended) that men are otherwise.

Also, a way to make yourself abundantly clear (so she doesn't have time to think, "Oh, I'll be able to convince him to have children with *me*) is to get a vasectomy.

That way, there is no argument that needs to take place, no feeling mislead, etc.
posted by Pocahontas at 6:50 PM on September 4, 2006

I don't think women are necessarily "hardwired to want to have children". Lots of women have biological clocks that just flash 12:00 12:00 12:00 and would be thrilled to find a like-minded mate. Snipped is even better!

Why worry about spooking a child-wanting girlfriend if it wouldn't work out anyway? I say get it out there early and hope you find yourself a nice childfree gal.
posted by bink at 7:10 PM on September 4, 2006 [2 favorites]

As soon as possible and never,ever back down from your childfree status.
posted by pieoverdone at 7:23 PM on September 4, 2006

Pocahontas, there are plenty of women who don't want children. I would argue that most men really are hardwired to want to have children. Selfish DNA, ya know.

Anyway, Anon, just bring it up casually when you can, the sooner the better. Don't worry about spooking her - if it's a deal-breaker she's gone no matter when you tell her. The sooner you find out, the less time you will have potentially wasted on a dead end relationship. If she doesn't want kids, it's great to get that out in the open and over with. If she's on the fence, it's best to give her early notice that it's an issue she needs to think about and resolve (preferably in discussion with you).
posted by Quietgal at 7:24 PM on September 4, 2006

I don't think there's any too-early time to bring this up either. I'll also second the vasectomy idea. It makes things much clearer to all parties involved, in particular that the issue is about reproducing, period, and not the suitability (or lack thereof) of your partner.

That said, clarify with yourself whether your beef is with procreating in particular, or with parenting (childrearing) itself. People often get those two issues mixed up, and there's no reason to in today's world.
posted by dkg at 7:30 PM on September 4, 2006

Bring it up casually asap. For me, this was something I wanted to know even at 18. I had plans for my life and didn't want to invest time in someone who wasn't going to be there for the long-term (which he wouldn't be, if he didn't want to have children).
posted by acoutu at 7:48 PM on September 4, 2006

It boggles my mind that there are people out there that would want to know if someone was husband/wife material after only a month of dating. A month. That's four freakin' weekends.

I'll be the contrarian and point out that loudly announcing "I don't want kids" may brand you as a complete psycho in front of this woman, who is likely not even be thinking about this, but will NOW be suddenly thinking, "I'm dating a freak ... I need to get out of here."

Don't mention it until asked, and THEN be clear and direct and honest.

Who knows, maybe after a year of dating, you'll change your mind.

But if you blow it now, you'll never know if this relationship would've worked out, will you?
posted by frogan at 8:00 PM on September 4, 2006

It would be nice if you could announce your complete lack of interest in offspring, find a partner who agrees completely, and have done with the subject for life. But my personal experience is that people's ideas about the subject often change over the course of their lives. I had two children with my first wife by the time we were 21. We talked about alternatives for our family, and we agreed that my having a vasectomy was far preferable to her staying on The Pill for much of her adult life (and this was in the early 1970's, when the first studies showing detrimental health effects of long term Pill use were showing up in popular media). So, I had the vasectomy. Couple of years later we divorced, partly because her feelings about additional children had changed, and she wanted a little girl, in addition to our 2 sons. Shit happens. She went on to marry a lawyer, and had another boy before getting her girl on her 4th try.

Meantime, I married again, to a woman who knew I'd had a vasectomy, and said she didn't want any kids. Several times. But 7 years went by, she got into her 30's, and whoops!, "changed her mind." So she had an affair with her boss, and got pregnant, and we divorced, and she had her baby, and he, of course, wouldn't leave his wife and three kids to set up house with my ex and her new kid. "Shit happens." I said as my parting words to her.

Good luck on negotiating no kids. It's possible, I suppose, but based on all the stories I've heard over many years that parallel my own experience, people's ideas about procreation change so often, I'd be pretty wary of the big snip if you were a young man, looking to make a long marriage. You really have to know yourself to do this, and have no regrets. On balance, I'm OK with my choice from 30 years ago, but I've had some bitter days because of it, too.

The one thing I don't regret is bringing any additional children into the world who would have become pawns in divorces. No excuse for that, in my book.
posted by paulsc at 8:08 PM on September 4, 2006 [2 favorites]

"I had plans for my life and didn't want to invest time in someone who wasn't going to be there for the long-term (which he wouldn't be, if he didn't want to have children)."

Wait, what? Just because a guy doesn't want to have kids doesn't mean he's not interested in a long term, perhaps life-long, relationship.
posted by Matt Oneiros at 8:13 PM on September 4, 2006

If you are truly certain about your desire not to have children, you might wish to make it certain and have a vasectomy. While it will take you out of action for a few days, it has the advantage of making sure, irregardless of sexual activity. It also allows a good conversation opener to current and possible future sexual partners - having discussed sexual backgrounds and eliminated (within reason) the possibility of disease, you can then mention that condoms are optional, given your infertile state. That way everyone knows going in what the deal is.
posted by Bora Horza Gobuchul at 8:16 PM on September 4, 2006

Just because a guy doesn't want to have kids doesn't mean he's not interested in a long term, perhaps life-long, relationship.

I think it means she's not interested in him matt.

I agree that it depends on your age. In your early 20s this is one of those questions like moving to New Zealand or hiking the Appalachian Trail that you answer with a vague "maybe someday". By 30 or 31 you've pretty much made up your mind and it's more important.
posted by fshgrl at 8:23 PM on September 4, 2006

I think the most opportune time to bring this up is as soon as you think you (or her) might be falling in love. If you wait till afterward and it turns out your futures aren't going to mesh it's going to be painful. Another natural time to bring it up is when you're having the "birth control/safe sex" conversation.

Also, please be as straightforward about it as possible. If you say something like "I never pictured myself having kids" it still leaves that possibility that your vision for your future could change. "I think you should know I never want to have kids," is far better, if that's the case.

Oh and I don't think women are any more "hard-wired" to desire children than men are. It's just that if women DO want children they have to be more proactive about it because the window of time in which they can have them is far smaller than a man's.
posted by Jess the Mess at 8:52 PM on September 4, 2006

A month is wayyyyy too early.
posted by jason's_planet at 8:53 PM on September 4, 2006

Now is a good time. If you're asking this question, you obviously see a potential for a future with this girl and that may very well be predicated on whether or not she wants kids.
posted by youcancallmeal at 9:01 PM on September 4, 2006

unless she brings it up, dont mention it yet. its too early to be thinking that seriously. the main reason for this is that i have several friends that swore they didnt want to have kids then fell in love and settled down and genuinely changed their minds once their lives were in a different state (not saying you will). also know lots of women that dont want kids...
posted by trishthedish at 9:01 PM on September 4, 2006

Although I agree that if you really don't want to have kids, a vasectomy settles the question irrevocably, be sure that you really want it. I think PaulSC's story is very illuminating and helpful and highlights how dramatically people change over time and how if you think you might change your mind at some point, you will be irrevocably closing the door not only to children, but also to some partners who may change their minds and feel so strongly that you will lose them.
posted by zia at 9:17 PM on September 4, 2006

Are you dating with marriage as an end goal? Is she doing the same? Are you firm on your no-kids stance, and does she have an opinion either way? These are all questions that you should have an answer to -- some people date to be in a relationship and see how things grow, while others want to have all the things they firmly believe on the table. After a month you might not need to have this conversation, but that's enough time to determine whether this is the sort of conversation you'd have with your girlfriend.
posted by mikeh at 9:49 PM on September 4, 2006

Let her do it.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:03 PM on September 4, 2006

IF there's a way to casually bring it up in conversation then definitely let her know. As a female who struggled with the same issue, I had a hysterecomy (but absolutely for medical reasons). When people find out you don't want kids they either flip out or stand by your side. Better to find out early.
posted by PsychoKitty at 10:35 PM on September 4, 2006 [1 favorite]

A month is far too early, unless you are in your 30s already. If you are still in your early to mid twenties, do not rush out and have a vasectomy. You *may* change your mind. If you don't then you can opt to have one later.
posted by Joh at 11:17 PM on September 4, 2006

Seconding Pocahontas...

Most men who don't want to be fathers feel that way for a reason, you can bring it up naturally in conversation, since it is a part of you.

If you don't want kids, regardless of your age, that's a pretty big part of you. After all, most people do.

Nevermind whether you would potentially be the father of her children. It's not as if you both wanting children means you would necessarily have them together -- who knows what will happen after a month? But, after a month, I think you want her to get to know you, right? And this is a fairly significant thing to know about you. So share.
posted by Methylviolet at 11:48 PM on September 4, 2006

If she is 18 she won't even be thinking about it.

Women in their very late teens and early twenties are most assuredly thinking about whether or not they want to have children. Most of my female friends have formed reasonably firm opinions on having children (one way or another), and we're none of us older than 22 or so.

With regard to getting a vasectomy, let me just say that there would be something off-putting about dating a guy in his early-twenties who had had one. I can't put my finger on what it is, but I think most of my female peers would feel the same way.
posted by anjamu at 12:34 AM on September 5, 2006

Guys in this thread don't seem to be listening to what gals in this thread are saying.

Bring it up—not in a solemn "I have something I need to tell you" way, but in one of the casual ways people have suggested above ("How do you see yourself five years from now?" sounds like a good idea to me). Why would you not want to "bring it up too early"? If it's a deal-breaker, you both want to find out as soon as possible.
posted by languagehat at 6:28 AM on September 5, 2006

If you're SURE you don't want kids (my ex recently told me that he now wants kids, partly I think due to the fact that he is so in love with his girlfriend, and she wants kids and he sees her as a nurturing, motherly type, even though when we were dating he absolutely did NOT want kids), I would tell her right away.

Casually working it into the conversation is good.

If it's a dealbreaker, than there's no need to prolong the relationship. When I was dating that guy who didn't want kids, I told myself it didn't matter that we weren't going to end up together, because we were enjoying our time together. Sort of true, but I was a lot younger then. I wouldn't do that now - these days I'd want out before I fell in love and it really hurt to leave over that issue.

It's fair to her - regardless of her age - to be part of a decision about whether you should stay together (assuming she does want kids) for a while, knowing this is a dealbreaker, or just cut your losses before the breakup hurts too much. If you're not sure about the kids issue, then I'd wait until the timing felt right to bring it up.
posted by n'muakolo at 6:46 AM on September 5, 2006

I agree with the other folks who are saying you should aim to make it part of a casual conversation. And more specifically, I'm going with the PP who couched it in terms of "where/how do you see yourself in 5-10 years." I'm definitely not recommending that you run out and get a vasectomy or swear allegiance to never have children (unless you really do feel that strongly about it and, of course, that's a perfectly valid way to feel).

I've known a number of people (myself included) who never imagined actually wanting to be a parent. Time and life (even love) have a way of changing your mind sometimes (she says as she's very happily 8 months pregnant). So be as honest as you can now. Leave room for both of you to be whoever you want in the future. That's what I think good relationships are about.
posted by chrisubus at 6:59 AM on September 5, 2006

I'll go along with what others have said, and point out that where you are in life will affect how this subject plays out. Plenty of people think they won't want kids when they're younger, but decide they do when they're older. Some couples get married, both members thinking "maybe we'll want kids" and eventually split up once their opinions firm up in opposite directions. Some couples even get married thinking they'll work out a known disagreement on the subject, and they never do.

As you get older, dating moves more quickly: you just get a better idea of what kind of person is compatible with you, and you get better at sizing people up, so if you're past 30, discuss the matter sooner rather than later. Speaking only for myself, that was the kind of thing I preferred to clear up quickly even when I was younger.

I met my now-wife when I was 36; the first time we had sex, I told her that I'd had a vasectomy and she did a little happy-dance. So that's obviously worked out well for us.
posted by adamrice at 7:16 AM on September 5, 2006

I'm a 35 year old guy who doesn't want kids, and my experience has led me to mention this fact very early (in a casual way). For a lot of girls, it's a deal-breaker, and it's better to just get it out there right away. In fact, more than one female friend/acquaintence of mine has raised the subject with me at the barest indication that we might be flirting.
posted by bingo at 8:48 AM on September 5, 2006

You should do it pretty much now. It's not the type of thing that you can wait six months for, even really three, so it makes sense to do it now after one month.
posted by nixerman at 9:38 AM on September 5, 2006

If you absolutely do not ever want kids, I think that you should have told her on the first date.

It probably does depend on your age. When I was 20 and said "I don't ever want kids" all I ever heard was "Oh, you'll change your mind when you grow up." Now I'm 31 and still do not ever want kids and have even had a vasectomy. I have never changed my mind and feel that I made the right decision. I think that kids need a father that wants them, not a father that just donated DNA.

You oughta bring it up pretty soon. If you don't get around to it and she's gung-ho about having babies, you're going to a)wind up with kids that you never wanted, which is not fair to the kids, or b)you two will break up and she'll resent you for wasting her time by not having told her you wanted to be child free much sooner.

Might as well get it out there and address the issue.
posted by drstein at 10:45 AM on September 5, 2006

I'm a woman and I generally mention my lack of interest in having children in casual conversation with people pretty early on if I'm comfortable with them, either in a potential dating or potential friendship situation. I work it into conversation as part of the "what do you want to do with your life" category, so hopefully it doesn't come off as some kind of "dating test question". A guy with a vasectomy definitely gets extra points if I think I might be interested in him.
posted by matildaben at 11:20 AM on September 5, 2006

Don't assume that she does want kids - all this "women are hard-wired" stuff is bullshit. I'm a woman and I've never, ever wanted children.

But I do think you have to pick a moment that feels natural, not just a random "You look nice today...by the way, I don't want kids" sort of thing. I liked the finding out where she sees herself in 5 years idea, it's likely that kids would be mentioned there if it was a big deal to her.
posted by speranza at 12:25 PM on September 6, 2006

Keep in mind that some people will not believe you, though. I can't get anyone to believe me, maybe because I'm female and according to most of this thread, I will want them, no matter what I say about it. God knows my ex wouldn't believe me no matter how many times I said it, because he wanted them so bad. A lot of women who want kids do this, from what I hear (not to mention all the oopsers on BabyCenter).

I say, tell on the second date. Next time I date, I am going to have to deal with this instead of assuming that any guy who wants to date me will be reasonable enough to figure out I'm not Mommy Material.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:30 PM on September 7, 2006