The Trust Factor
September 3, 2006 2:08 AM Subscribe
I'd like to trust people again.
About a year ago, I went through a breakup with my best friend. I trusted her a little more than was prudent of me, as there was a lot of self-deception on my part. She basically dumped me in my time of need. When I saw her again in a social setting (more than half a year later) she treated me as though I was invisible; the only time she acknowledged my presence was to publicly make fun of me. Needless to say, it cut me deeply.
I haven't realized the extent of the damage until recently, when I was reviewing the past school year. I didn't grow up in a supportive environment, and she had been someone I depended very heavily on for validation that I was ok being who I am. Now I find it extremely difficult to trust people and their motives and to take initiatives to get to know people, and let them get to know me. It's gotten to the point where I've gone mute and just shut down emotionally, or I would run away from a social setting if someone I had tentatively picked out as a potential friend brushes me off, even if I know intellectually that it probably has nothing to do with me and the person was simply distracted or stressed out.
Does anyone have any concrete tips for learning to trust people again, especially after a bad betrayal? I had given myself a year to learn from my mistakes and move on with new relationships, but after three failed attempts to try and make a new friend (where the other person did seem interested, but I kept dropping the ball and pulling back, becoming cool or taking everything lightly, just when I had to start revealing a bit more about who I am and my thoughts and feelings) I thought I would ask for some suggestions. I'd like to reach out to people, but I don't have a whole lot of good experiences to draw from to get myself past this. Thanks.
About a year ago, I went through a breakup with my best friend. I trusted her a little more than was prudent of me, as there was a lot of self-deception on my part. She basically dumped me in my time of need. When I saw her again in a social setting (more than half a year later) she treated me as though I was invisible; the only time she acknowledged my presence was to publicly make fun of me. Needless to say, it cut me deeply.
I haven't realized the extent of the damage until recently, when I was reviewing the past school year. I didn't grow up in a supportive environment, and she had been someone I depended very heavily on for validation that I was ok being who I am. Now I find it extremely difficult to trust people and their motives and to take initiatives to get to know people, and let them get to know me. It's gotten to the point where I've gone mute and just shut down emotionally, or I would run away from a social setting if someone I had tentatively picked out as a potential friend brushes me off, even if I know intellectually that it probably has nothing to do with me and the person was simply distracted or stressed out.
Does anyone have any concrete tips for learning to trust people again, especially after a bad betrayal? I had given myself a year to learn from my mistakes and move on with new relationships, but after three failed attempts to try and make a new friend (where the other person did seem interested, but I kept dropping the ball and pulling back, becoming cool or taking everything lightly, just when I had to start revealing a bit more about who I am and my thoughts and feelings) I thought I would ask for some suggestions. I'd like to reach out to people, but I don't have a whole lot of good experiences to draw from to get myself past this. Thanks.
that was supposed to read
"treat people how you want them to treat you."
sorry, it's late.
posted by krautland at 2:58 AM on September 3, 2006
"treat people how you want them to treat you."
sorry, it's late.
posted by krautland at 2:58 AM on September 3, 2006
My sense is that this isn't something that is easily self repaired - using advice, anyway.
I would seriously consider getting some help from a therapist to work through some of the underlying issues. I would guess that your friend's betrayal is just a symptom of a larger issue. Work on that first with a professional.
posted by qwip at 3:03 AM on September 3, 2006
I would seriously consider getting some help from a therapist to work through some of the underlying issues. I would guess that your friend's betrayal is just a symptom of a larger issue. Work on that first with a professional.
posted by qwip at 3:03 AM on September 3, 2006
It's always struck me as folly to go out and try to "make a friend". As always, I must defer to the word of the great Joseph Campbell, and recommend that you simply Follow Your Bliss.
All my greatest friendships have sprung from common interests. You ought to get forcing a relationship off your mind. Instead, figure out some activities that speak to you. Maybe even take some low-key classes on topics that you enjoy.
But don't go in there with all your focus on befriending a fellow student. Give your energy to the interesting activity, and watch as that same energy draws people to you. People are so strange and picky about socializing, and sometimes it seems that being aloof is the only way to generate interest.
As for the whole "trust" deal, there is such a thing as too much. You should never put too many of your eggs in another's basket. Above every other word of advice on this page, it is most important that you first befriend yourself. You're the single person on this planet that you can trust implicitly. It doesn't sound like you like yourself very much - could just be my armchair analysis, but I'm sensing some low self-esteem. Knock that out, and you'll find a lot of the other pieces fall into place.
posted by EatTheWeek at 7:21 AM on September 3, 2006
All my greatest friendships have sprung from common interests. You ought to get forcing a relationship off your mind. Instead, figure out some activities that speak to you. Maybe even take some low-key classes on topics that you enjoy.
But don't go in there with all your focus on befriending a fellow student. Give your energy to the interesting activity, and watch as that same energy draws people to you. People are so strange and picky about socializing, and sometimes it seems that being aloof is the only way to generate interest.
As for the whole "trust" deal, there is such a thing as too much. You should never put too many of your eggs in another's basket. Above every other word of advice on this page, it is most important that you first befriend yourself. You're the single person on this planet that you can trust implicitly. It doesn't sound like you like yourself very much - could just be my armchair analysis, but I'm sensing some low self-esteem. Knock that out, and you'll find a lot of the other pieces fall into place.
posted by EatTheWeek at 7:21 AM on September 3, 2006
It is possible that, if you analyze your ex-friend's behavior towards people and things other than you during the time you were close, you will see that she was always a bitch--just not, at the time, a full-on bitch to you. Had you seen this as a warning sign, you might have gotten away before you got so badly hurt.
It is very important to learn to recognize good people and populate your life with them. This may not be easy at the start, especially if you were not raised around kindness, but it gets easier over time. Plus, good people tend to associate with others of their kind, so when you find one, sometimes you get four or five.
If you have no idea what a good person looks like, acts like or is, this is something you can work on abstractly, before you go out looking for new friends. What values do you respect? What do you think a friend should do for their friends, in good times or in bad?
Finally, learn to listen to your inner voice. The people who have wronged me have all set the tuning fork in my guts singing--I was unnerved, uncomfortable, anxious, excited around them long before they wronged me. When I failed to recognize this as unhealthy and git, they got me first.
posted by Scram at 7:26 AM on September 3, 2006
It is very important to learn to recognize good people and populate your life with them. This may not be easy at the start, especially if you were not raised around kindness, but it gets easier over time. Plus, good people tend to associate with others of their kind, so when you find one, sometimes you get four or five.
If you have no idea what a good person looks like, acts like or is, this is something you can work on abstractly, before you go out looking for new friends. What values do you respect? What do you think a friend should do for their friends, in good times or in bad?
Finally, learn to listen to your inner voice. The people who have wronged me have all set the tuning fork in my guts singing--I was unnerved, uncomfortable, anxious, excited around them long before they wronged me. When I failed to recognize this as unhealthy and git, they got me first.
posted by Scram at 7:26 AM on September 3, 2006
This is hard. It's going to be hard for a long time. If it's any comfort to you, it's hard for a lot of people. It would help to have an idea how old you are. Talk of school years suggests you're under about your mid-twenties.
If you're a college/grad student, there's a decent chance there are some cheap/free counselling resources available through your school. Even if you're not, qwip's right.
If you're older, I'm afraid I have even less help to offer than that. At some point, though, everyone gets betrayed to some extent by someone they trusted. Don't feel like this makes you weird. It is completely normal for this to damage your ability to trust. It would be catastrophic to let it destroy such ability completely. If you find yourself unable to make the leap by yourself, therapy may be your only course.
posted by willpie at 7:27 AM on September 3, 2006
If you're a college/grad student, there's a decent chance there are some cheap/free counselling resources available through your school. Even if you're not, qwip's right.
If you're older, I'm afraid I have even less help to offer than that. At some point, though, everyone gets betrayed to some extent by someone they trusted. Don't feel like this makes you weird. It is completely normal for this to damage your ability to trust. It would be catastrophic to let it destroy such ability completely. If you find yourself unable to make the leap by yourself, therapy may be your only course.
posted by willpie at 7:27 AM on September 3, 2006
"You may be deceived if you trust too much but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough." --Frank Crane
Sometimes, when developing a new friendship, it is good to confide, "Sorry if I pull back sometimes; I've had some bad experiences int he past and am still learning how to trust. Hope you'll be patient with me about that."
posted by Riverine at 6:57 PM on September 3, 2006
Sometimes, when developing a new friendship, it is good to confide, "Sorry if I pull back sometimes; I've had some bad experiences int he past and am still learning how to trust. Hope you'll be patient with me about that."
posted by Riverine at 6:57 PM on September 3, 2006
Best answer: it's really difficult and i'm saying this because i can completely relate to you. several bad events in the past have made me insanely skeptical of people's intentions and their trustworthiness. i'm very sensitive to small actions others do, interpret or assume in the worst way possible, because i'm afraid of confronting to find the worst truth possible - 'betrayal'.
it's basically the unfortunate and never ending cycle: in order to trust people, communication is huge necessity, but because you fear opening yourself up to others or find out the worst truth that they have yet deceived you, you do not communicate. and because you don't communicate, you assume the worst. and because you assume the worst, you start distancing yourself from others, and in the end, voila, your worst dream comes true - your friend doesn't really want to be so close to you any more.
leap of faith is easy to say. the very nature of the problem is we do not, and unable to, have this leap of faith. it's not like we wake up one day and throw ourselves into people's arms completely naked.
what's more important is learning your habit. you seem to know where your distrust stems from, but what kind of actions that other people do make you weary of their loyalty to you? and how do you deal with it? do you attempt to run away? do you even try to communicate?
look back and find a few instances in which you became very skeptical of others, and why, and how you dealt with them. and understand and try to change your behavior next time you feel you are unable to trust or open yourself up.
i am only saying this, because i learned the lesson in a harsh way. because i am unable to trust, i am about to lose a very important friend of mine. i am learning, and i am finally seeing the trend, but it feels this enlighten came seconds too late. i don't want you to go through the same.
i hope everything works out.
and a quote to keep in mind:
"When you're looking for a friend don't look for perfection, just look for friendship. --Unknown"
posted by grafholic at 4:34 PM on September 5, 2006 [3 favorites]
it's basically the unfortunate and never ending cycle: in order to trust people, communication is huge necessity, but because you fear opening yourself up to others or find out the worst truth that they have yet deceived you, you do not communicate. and because you don't communicate, you assume the worst. and because you assume the worst, you start distancing yourself from others, and in the end, voila, your worst dream comes true - your friend doesn't really want to be so close to you any more.
leap of faith is easy to say. the very nature of the problem is we do not, and unable to, have this leap of faith. it's not like we wake up one day and throw ourselves into people's arms completely naked.
what's more important is learning your habit. you seem to know where your distrust stems from, but what kind of actions that other people do make you weary of their loyalty to you? and how do you deal with it? do you attempt to run away? do you even try to communicate?
look back and find a few instances in which you became very skeptical of others, and why, and how you dealt with them. and understand and try to change your behavior next time you feel you are unable to trust or open yourself up.
i am only saying this, because i learned the lesson in a harsh way. because i am unable to trust, i am about to lose a very important friend of mine. i am learning, and i am finally seeing the trend, but it feels this enlighten came seconds too late. i don't want you to go through the same.
i hope everything works out.
and a quote to keep in mind:
"When you're looking for a friend don't look for perfection, just look for friendship. --Unknown"
posted by grafholic at 4:34 PM on September 5, 2006 [3 favorites]
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this will not be the last time you experience this and you need to learn how to get over it. of course you can shut down and simply avoid all intimate (emotional and physical) contact with other people but you of course know how good it feels when you are right and when the other person does in fact respond in kind.
the important thing to learn here is that you are not a sucker. we all go through this. we all suffer from being mislead. we all jump back onto our feet and try again with someone else. some take a bit longer, others not.
try. you are a human being. you are supposed to be hurt when someone wrongs you. what you are going through is absolutely positively normal.
besides, wouldn't life be boring if it were easier?
posted by krautland at 2:57 AM on September 3, 2006 [1 favorite]