Trying to recall a Golf Joke
August 21, 2006 3:21 PM   Subscribe

I'm trying to remember a joke I heard or read a while back. It's kind of a long joke where a man gets a phone call about some bad news, like his dog is dead or his wife is hurt. The man tells the guy to do certain things in response, and with each offered response, more bad news comes. I believe the joke is golf related. Does anyone know what the hell I'm talking about?
posted by JFunk2800 to Grab Bag (10 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
No golf, but:

Guy's on vacation, his house-sitter calls. House-sitter baldly informs him his cat is dead.

Guy is upset, tells house-sitter he should have broken the news more gently, over several days: "your cat escaped the house and is on the roof", "your cat is missing", "your cat is still missing", etc., gradually working up to the cat's death.

Guy finishes upbraiding insensitive house-sitter.

House-sitter then says there's some other news: "Your grandmother is on the roof".
posted by orthogonality at 3:27 PM on August 21, 2006

I've heard the slight variation in the punchline, where the house-sitter is a relative, and he says the cat's dead, and is told, "No, you gotta break that gently, he was playing on the roof, fell and hurt himself, took the vet... then when I call the next day, you say the cat is getting worse, but the vet thinks she'll make it, etc, finally leading up to the call where you say the cat passed peacefully in the night."

Guy then says, "Anyway... so how's grandma?"
House-sitter pauses, then says: "Well... she was playing up on the roof..."

I think the fact that the "how's grandma" is asked for is funnier than the house-sitter offering "there's more news". It's subtle, but more enjoyable to tell it when you do the voice of the vacationer, after a long diatribe on how to break the news that the cat's dead, as slightly out of breath and exasperated: "Well... anyway, so how's grandma doing?" Wait a couple of beats of silence, then in a slightly different voice "Well, you see grandma was playing up on the roof..."
posted by hincandenza at 3:45 PM on August 21, 2006

Or is it one which runs something like ...

`Your cat injured its leg'.
`how did the cat get hurt?'
`It was running from the dogs'
`How did the dogs get out?'
`the firemen let them out'
`what were they doing there?'
`putting out the house'

Not a good example, but an escalation of disasters from something simple, every time the guy asks for clarification it reveals some new disaster. Perhaps linking back to the cat's leg. I only barely remember such a joke.
posted by tomble at 4:04 PM on August 21, 2006

Not golf related, but a phone call where a man receives bad news, gives a directive in response, which results in more bad news: daddy calls.

aside: I once saw an awesome German (?) short dramatizing this joke. The two deaths were pretty gory, so the punchline was totally unexpected, even though I'd heard the joke before.
posted by neda at 4:07 PM on August 21, 2006

Probably not the one you're thinking of, but one I've always liked:

A man is at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face, says:

"Sir, I have very bad news. We did all we could. Right now she's in a vegatative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."

The guy slumps, just crushed.

The doctor continues: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."

The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.

Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."

By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.

At that point, the doctor puts his hand on the man's shoulder, and says, "Naaaah - I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."
posted by chrisamiller at 4:18 PM on August 21, 2006 [3 favorites]

chris, that's great. Reminds me of this old standby:

Man gets a knock on his door. It's the Western Union guy, uniform and all.
"Wow," the man exclaims. "Do you have a telegram for me?"
"Yes sir, I do."
"Is it a singing telegram?"
"Uh no, sir, it's not."
"Oh, I've always wanted one! Please, could you make it a singing telegram?"
"No sir, I couldn't."
"Please, please? It would mean so much to me!"
"Sir, I really couldn't ... it wouldn't be right."
"Oh, c'mon. Who's gonna know? Just this once, okay?"
"Are you sure, sir? It wasn't meant to be a singing telegram."
"I'm sure. It'll be great!"
"All right, if you insist...." (with a flourish, in a rich baritone)
"Da da da da da-dah — your sister Rose is dead!"
posted by rob511 at 4:41 PM on August 21, 2006

I've got a hunch that you're thinking of this one:

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" Says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window
and now she's all dead."

"Oh my god... And what about uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this 554-7039?"

posted by chrismear at 12:41 AM on August 22, 2006 [2 favorites]

I think the joke you're looking for is more like tomble's.
something along these lines:

"your cat is dead."
"my god! how did it die?"
"smoke inhalation."
"smoke inhalation?"
"from the fire."
"fire? what fire?"
"calm down, they put it out and the firemen say that what your insurance doesn't cover, the life insurance will."
"what life insurance?"
"your wife's"
"oh my god, did she die in the fire?"
"no, she was already dead..."

posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 6:34 AM on August 22, 2006

Screenwriter/Blogger Kung Fu Monkey notes that the "cat on the roof" thing is such a common joke that's it's shorthand for an entire category of script gags...
posted by baylink at 7:43 AM on August 22, 2006

Neda - actually, that short was Belgian. I remember seeing it in a theater showing that year's short film nominees.
posted by phearlez at 10:46 AM on August 22, 2006

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