Help us get our freak on!
July 9, 2006 5:43 AM   Subscribe

Help my partner and I find a place to do BDSM play where we'll fit in.

My girlfriend and I have been engaging in BDSM play in the bedroom for almost as long as we've been together. Both of us are very interested in playing semipublically, i.e. at a fetish club, BDSM orgazization or the like. We're in our thirties, attractive, live near Los Angeles, and generally play with me as the dom and she as the sub.

So far, we haven't been successful in our efforts to find a place to do this. We've visited public events held by two of LA's BDSM organizations, but most of the attendees were significantly older, and neither of us felt any sexual energy with the people there. Granted, we weren't at a play party, and those events might have a younger crowd than the more social gatherings, but we have no way of knowing if this is really the case... and neither of us feel enthusiastic playing in front of people for whom we feel no sexual attraction, which is the case with the older crowd at the events we've been to. So, the local organizations might not be an option.

We have gone to fetish nights at bars, but an opposite problem comes up... the crowd skews much younger and mostly Goth, and we feel a little bit out of place there. Plus, at a bar there are, um, limits to what one can do, and for us BDSM is primarily about sex and not always an end unto itself, so we can't scene in that environment to the extent that we would like.

I'm not sure what other options there are... I mean, swinger's clubs occasionally have a small play area for BDSM stuff and we'd be willing to try that, but I don't know the extent to which that community is accepting of the S&M crowd (plus, I'm a bisexual guy and my girlfriend is bicurious but more or less straight, which is pretty much the opposite dynamic of what is considered the norm in swinger land).

So, how do you find cool places to play? We'd like to find a place with other people who are around our age, and where we feel enough chemistry with those people that we're comfortable playing with/in front of them. Any suggestions are welcome... if you'd like to respond by email, you can reach us at hot.nsfw at gmail.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (3 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite

Granted, we weren't at a play party, and those events might have a younger crowd than the more social gatherings, but we have no way of knowing if this is really the case...

I suggest actually going to the play parties. From what I've seen, the social gatherings are more sparsely attended, and are attended by the people who make the local BDSM group the center of their lives. At the play party you'll probably find more people like yourselves, who get out every now and then for some relaxing bondage and spanking.

When you do see people like yourselves, make an effort to get to know them, and ask them if they know any other groups that have more members in your demographic.

You should also check with the local BDSM groups to see if they have sub-groups for people in your age range. My local group has a monthly social for the under-35 crowd, and that group has occasional play parties... but you don't get invited to the parties unless you've been attending the socials.
posted by pornucopia at 9:39 AM on July 9, 2006

There are probably plenty of private, unadvertised play parties happening in LA all the time. I know they happen here in Alabama. It might range from just a few friends getting together at someone's house to folks renting out a large room or building and sending out invitations to specific people. By networking a bit, you might be able to get invited to one.

One warning, here. I've never been to LA, but I can tell you that if you let it be known in Alabama that you're seeking play parties where the participants are more physically attractive, most people would take offense. Maybe LA is just different from Bama in this respect, but I thought I'd mention it.

But returning to the topic at hand...

Probably the safest bet for finding the type of gathering you seek would be to hold your own play party(ies). First, poke around in the local communities as well as on yahoo profiles,, aol profiles, etc. for likely/desirable attendees and contact them. Get them to subscribe to an email list/yahoo group thing or maybe create a private web forum. Then, find a room or building for rent. I know Atlanta has a commercial dungeon that can be rented by the night. Surely LA has something comparable. Oh, and don't forget to check the all-male establishments and organizations. They may be willing to rent out their facilities to hets. But even if an equipped dungeon can't be had for a realistic price, you might be able to rent a hotel conference/ball room type thing and bring in the equipment (which you might be able to rent or borrow from individuals or commercial operations). I've seen many a portable St. Andrew's Cross and spanking bench in my day. Ask for donations at the door to cover the costs; no one will begrudge chipping in some cash if all you're trying to do is break even. You may want to meet the attendee candidates before deciding whether to admit them. You may even want to have some sort of non-play gathering before having the play party; sort of a dry run to see whether you've found the right people.

Beyond that... I don't know. The community in Bama is so small that I can talk to three or four people and find out ninety percent of what's going on. Presumably it's a lot more difficult where you are.
posted by Clay201 at 4:28 PM on July 9, 2006

Here in Chicago there's a group called The Next Generation, or TNG. It's a BDSM group for people between 18 and 35. (I'm guessing a local TNG is what pornucopia referred to?) I don't see that there's a TNG group in L.A., but there IS a TNG Yahool group you might want to try checking out.

posted by INTPLibrarian at 7:38 PM on July 9, 2006

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