How do I turn down a job offer from a close relative?

June 27, 2006 5:23 PM

How do I (gently) turn down a job offer from a close relative?

For the past year I have been assisting my stepfather's financial institution (a small bank with one branch for which he serves as their loan officer) with freelance grant writing and desktop publishing projects. My day job is as an editor/writer for a well-trafficked website and I just took on the side work to make extra $$ on weekends/help a family member out.

I recently found out that my stepfather and his CEO want me to become the bank's marketing director. They offered me $20,000 more than what I am currently making as incentive to leave my day job - and figured there was no way I could turn that down.

But I don't want to leave my job.

I prefer writing about nightclubs, music, restaurants and pop culture to writing about low-interest auto loans. I prefer working in Manhattan to working in the suburbs. I prefer my 20 minute subway ride to work to a 1 hour drive from Brooklyn to Long Island. I like having co-workers who are also creative types in their twenties and thirties much more than the idea of an office of middle-aged financial wonks. In short, I don't want to leave my current job, more pay or not.

But I also care about my stepfather's feelings and don't want to make turning down his job offer any more awkward than it has to be. I'm flattered, but if I take the job the money won't be worth the extra misery.

How do I let him down gently?

posted by anonymous to Work & Money (10 answers total)

Tell them that you've had a plan to be a writer for a long time (and possibly have a degree for that?). And while you're very flattered, you can't possibly leave your current position because it is the key step to your next goal in your writing career.
posted by k8t at 5:33 PM on June 27, 2006

Tell him that you wouldn't be right for the job. You love him and you've enjoyed contributing to their success, but that your heart is really with your job now. Explain that you wouldn't really be able to put your heart into doing marketing type work.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:34 PM on June 27, 2006

I like the next goal part, so it seems like you are moving up in your own way. I think they may not really understand what you are doing.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:35 PM on June 27, 2006

Ironmouth is spot on.
posted by Count Ziggurat at 5:48 PM on June 27, 2006

I prefer writing about nightclubs, music, restaurants and pop culture to writing about low-interest auto loans. I prefer working in Manhattan to working in the suburbs. I prefer my 20 minute subway ride to work to a 1 hour drive from Brooklyn to Long Island. I like having co-workers who are also creative types in their twenties and thirties much more than the idea of an office of middle-aged financial wonks. In short, I don't want to leave my current job, more pay or not.

Since you had no trouble explaining your reasons to us in an honest, polite manner, I don't see any reason why you would have trouble saying the exact same thing to your stepfather. Unless there's another factor you haven't disclosed, I tend to think you're just feeling paranoid because he's your stepfather. Give him the benefit of assuming that he'll be as reasonable and understanding as strangers on the Internet.
posted by cribcage at 6:39 PM on June 27, 2006

I feel your pain, having had too many frustrating career chats. If I used that sort of explanation on my father (uncles, my best friend's dad, etc) he'd tell me that my reasons were silly and that I'm making a big mistake by turning down more money and such a solid opportunity. He would not say this to be mean, he would say this because these priorities would be complete gibberish to him -- incompatible with the definition of "success" and "work."

I get out of this by playing the "career" card. This is my career... how much do you know about my very specific field? No? Well, suffice it to say that I'm meeting my goals. This is right in line with my both short-term and long-term plans.

What might also be helpful is defining why you like financial institution job as a side job -- it provides a different atmosphere and different work style than your day job that's a nice respite (provide specific examples), but you're happier doing this kind of work in smaller doses (provide examples of why you would not be the best choice to do this full-time.)
posted by desuetude at 7:00 PM on June 27, 2006

Offer to help interview candidates and sort through resumes for the position.
posted by Saucy Intruder at 7:01 PM on June 27, 2006

I sincerely appreciate the opportunities you have provided to me and am flattered that you have considered me worthy enough to make such a generous offer, but I have been working towards some goals in my main position and don't wish to change my focus now.

or something to that effect, would be my approach.
posted by andifsohow at 8:18 PM on June 27, 2006

Just say Hell No. If they ask for your reason just say Hell No. They think you are kiding but they do stop asking, puts the whole matter away nicely.
posted by zackdog at 12:14 AM on June 28, 2006

Being taken on full time as a director of any sort at a bank is kind of a plum, as I'm sure you realize. For all you know, they may be intending to groom you for bigger and better things down the road.

For this reason, you should directly acknowledge the unusual nature and worth of their offer before/while making your refusal. I dare say many people would be delighted to receive such an offer; since you are not, your refusal must be that much more gracious.

Don't burn your bridges.
posted by ikkyu2 at 4:36 PM on June 28, 2006