"Late Bloomer" queer dating resources

March 10, 2025 7:39 PM

I'm looking for book recommendations about coming out later in life - less so the internal identity grappling, more so a guide to navigating romantic relationships post-compulsive-heteronormativity. Basically a dating FAQ for people who aren't straight, but figured it out as adults.

Despite coming out as queer to myself and my inner circle in 2018, I'm still working through compulsory heterosexuality.

My current existential crisis is about possibly dating someone shorter - I (5'11" queer woman) have a crush on a woman who can't be taller than 5'2". I'm genuinely having the dumbest mental block when I daydream about kissing her. My brain: "Soo I??? do what now? I have to bend down to kiss her? Are women... allowed to do that?"

Extra dumb because my long-time male ex-partner was noticeably shorter than me and didn't always present as obviously straight. But for some reason, my brain cannot compute the idea of me, a woman, having to seriously bend down 9” to kiss a romantic partner.

I'm pretty internally comfy with myself and my orientation identity-wise, thankfully. I'm more looking for resources for latecomers to rewrite my mental dating algorithms outside of hetero norms. This past ask was helpful, Autostraddle seems like a great site, but I'd really love books or anthologies rather than a site or community.

Anyone have suggestions? Thanks! 🌈​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

posted by seemoorglass to Human Relations (9 answers total)

I have no answers but will be following, as a very late-blooming queer woman in a cis-het LTR. My partner knows I like women too, but also knows that if were to try and pursue something with another woman for the first time (only with everyone being fully onboard, of course) I would turn into flustered, blushing pile of awkward because I Don't Know How That Works. My theory is that the thought of being with a woman mentally takes me back to when I first started dating at 14 since it feels like starting all over again, somehow. Your details about the mental block resonates for me in that way.

Anyway, thank you for asking this specific question, and I really look forward to hearing what folks have to say.
posted by Molasses808 at 9:20 PM on March 10

You can't learn to kiss from a book. Go find an amenable short woman and get kissing. You've spent enough time logicing this and being in your head about it, go practice like any other awkward person at the start of a new sexual/romantic life. And really, community is what puts the queer in queer, get on TikTok and meet all the other so called "late in life lesbians" who bloomed during lockdown when they got five minutes to introspect. Lockdown is over. Get kissing.
Sorry-not-sorry to absolutely not give the answer you asked for, a personal peeve usually.
posted by Iteki at 1:01 AM on March 11 [2 favorites]

I would recommend Dean Spade's Love in a Fucked Up World. It's less about queer dating specifically (although it is very queer) and more about unlearning romantic myths, which feels related. Good luck!
posted by kserra at 7:48 AM on March 11 [1 favorite]

Perhaps you would find something useful in these zines: Maddy Court's Choose your own Dykeventure and its sequel. She also writes a queer advice column on substack, you might peruse the archives or even ask her the question?

(Caveat: I am pretty straight and don't remember where I came across her writing, maybe The Toast? But I like her approach, which is humorous and compassionate.)
posted by Lawn Beaver at 8:10 AM on March 11

current existential crisis

[wikihow]
posted by HearHere at 10:34 AM on March 11 [1 favorite]

I was chatting with a queer friend last night (her: dating, mostly interested in women, me: married to a man, interested in everyone), and she told me about the gay hockey romance novels that have been warming her heart lately. Are romance novels part of your media diet? Maybe reading some sweet/saucy books about queer relationships could give you the chance to daydream a bit and see yourself as the one who gently holds her beloved’s head between her hands and lowers her face to sweetly upturned lips.

If you have any kissable but tall friends in your life right now, stand on a chair or a box (or a pair of 8” platform high heels) and see what it feels like - I am 5’1” and sometimes stand on a chair to be Big Rrrrrrrrrt with my husband, and it’s great! Chair/box/high-heels hugging and swaying, even without kissing, might also help ease you into the delightful feelings that could come with being a taller partner.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 11:46 AM on March 11

Not exactly a late bloomer, as I've known I was queer/bi forever, but I am new to queer dating and had major imposter syndrome when I finally started dating women after a long straight relationship with a man. I felt embarrassed and ashamed of being middle aged and with so little sexual experience with women. I didn't want to misrepresent myself, but it felt weird to address this upfront, and I did feel some judgment. I didn't find a ton of book content specifically about late blooming lesbians, but I can also say that some "late bloomers" are actually in their 20s, not just women middle aged (or however old I am guessing you might be).

If you really want books, I'd look for any lesbian/bi/queer dating books aimed at women especially. A few titles to get you started:
Ask a Queer Chick
The Ex-Girlfriend of My Ex-Girlfriend Is My Girlfriend

Honestly I'd suggest, if you have a good local library, looking at everything non-fiction that has to do with lesbians and bisexual women written in the past 10-15 years. Check it all out and browse through and see if there's anything good in there. If you have a queer bookstore anywhere nearby, or a large independent bookstore with a queer section, browse.

There really is a lot of content online and available digitally. Podcasts for queer women are great, as are some content creators. The best thing I did, though, was to immerse myself in queer spaces as much as possible, whether it's the queer-owned and queer-friendly bookshop, coffee shop, gym, bar, whatever. I didn't go to any meet ups, but I did get a ton of meet up notifications and went to a few queer-specific events. I signed up for the local queer events email list. It was dating a few women that helped me get over myself.

What an exciting time! Good luck to you. Happy to message more, too, if that would be helpful.
posted by woolsocks at 12:53 PM on March 11

Apologies for jumping on the 'go be in queer spaces' derail train, but I will add the tangential recommendation that sometimes lesbian bars have book clubs, which generally involve lesbian fiction, and often lesbian romance fiction, so might help in both ways. But to actually answer your question, you might like Lesbian Love Story: A Memoir in Archives.

(Also, consider that one fun thing about being the taller partner is that you can lean down or (if she's into it) you can pick her up. So fun!)
posted by dizziest at 10:49 AM on March 12

There is actually a ton of sapphic romance out there these days - you might get a lot of out reading some just to calibrate. Here's my list - everything from One Last Stop up is sapphic and I have written at least a bit of a comment on all of them.
posted by restless_nomad at 11:12 AM on March 14