How do I deal with grief that intertwines with my sports fandom?

February 13, 2025 9:16 AM

One of my closest friends passed away last month. I’ve found lots of help, from friends and family as well as literature, in dealing with grief. However, one aspect has been unexpectedly difficult to navigate, namely our shared sports fandom, and not having him around to celebrate or complain, depending on our team’s fortunes. Have you ever been in a similar situation?

He converted me to being a fan of the English soccer club Arsenal. We would communicate after nearly every match, chatting about the game, and going through our fannish feelings. I’m not likely to stop watching soccer or stop supporting the club, but so far all I have got in terms of moving forward in that facet of grief is the old standby of time being the great healer. But unlike other aspects of grieving, I feel like I’m flying without instruments.

posted by Kattullus to Sports, Hobbies, & Recreation (10 answers total)

Best answer: Hey, I feel you and indeed I am in a similar situation TODAY. I shared a theater ticket subscription with two friends, one of whom passed away last month - the three of us went to the first two shows of the season together, and tonight the other two of us will have an empty seat beside us because we couldn't quite bring ourselves to invite someone else (in retrospect we should have just given the ticket back to the venue, at least for this show). The friend who died was my go-to invitee for when I had an extra ticket to some kind of cultural event and already, just in the last month, there have been multiple times when I've thought, "Oh, maybe X will want to go to that. [record scratch] Would have liked to have gone to that."

It is hard to have these kinds of concrete event reminders of the people we have lost but I think it's also kind of a blessing... Arsenal, at least, is not going anywhere, and it will always be there to remind you of your friend. And he got you into a fandom that was an important part of your relationship but also exists outside of your relationship.

I think time will be the great healer, FWIW. Are you familiar with the ball in a box analogy for grief? I think maybe in cases like this, it's like there's the box, and there's a weird little Arsenal-shaped nook or spike or something in the box that the ball can get a little stuck in or bumped by.
posted by mskyle at 9:39 AM on February 13 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Robert Niemeyer's meaning making model is helpful to me in my own grieving process [flourishmindfully:]

"actively construct a new narrative for ... life that includes the loss"

may be slight comfort, but at least he didn't have to see Havertz get injured, right?
posted by HearHere at 10:10 AM on February 13 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I’m pretty sentimental so I would either continue to text or email them updates (sending it to the “universe” as them) or buy some kind of sports team totem that represents my friend now (like a beer cosy of that team or a small statue of the team mascot) and bring it to each event like it’s them and talk to it.

I’m not sure if it’s the best idea. This might make the feelings worse? But it would feel good to have them with me in that way.

Btw I have a friend to whom I exclusively text stupid Star Trek memes and if he goes before me, every dumbass meme will remind me of him so I get it.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:24 AM on February 13 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Like this beer cozy. and you will become the weirdo person in your family who talks to their cozy (“ did you see that??? DID YOU SEE THAT”) but I imagine in time that will feel really good?
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:08 PM on February 13 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I'm sorry for your loss. I have had this experience and I am still coping with it. I have settled into speaking to speaking to my lost loved one when I miss them while watching sports. I just acknowledge that I wish we could share the game together, know they would love it etc. For example, I will say aloud things like "you would not believe they lost", "this reminds me of that game we watched...", "I miss you" etc. I am sure it differs for everyone, but when I get that feeling, that hole of missing them, I find it helpful to just talk to them for a moment.
posted by fies at 4:20 PM on February 13 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Arsenal supporter here—I too was converted by a friend, and have lost a (different) friend with whom I shared that joy and heartbreak. All sympathy and condolences. I thought of them with some pain when the subject came up, for a while, but now (years later) I still think of him—“he would have LOVED that!” or “he would have said ‘don’t feel bad about missing a sitter—we still love you!’”
Now I think of it as a way of keeping him alive in memory
posted by librosegretti at 8:27 PM on February 13 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I got my best friend into watching hockey with me about 10 years ago. I got season tickets and she was usually the person I’d bring along. We’d discuss games, text while watching them separately, gossip about trades, share stupid hockey memes. She’d sometimes root for different teams and have wildly different opinions from me. She died unexpectedly last year, partway through the playoffs, which we’d been discussing. I knew who she’d root for. I was on an airplane during the final game, alone, and somehow managed to stream the game to my phone. I messaged a couple of other friends during the game, friends I’d also watch hockey with, but who I couldn’t talk about the sillier stuff with. When the game ended, I just started crying. It felt like such a crazy thing to get upset over, but it was this tiny part of our lives that we didn’t really share with anyone else. I tried to get other friends more into hockey. I made a slideshow with graphics, explaining hockey rules and lore and rivalries. I sent it to friends who said they’d read it. None of them actually have read it. So I just sort of exist in the fandom alone, or at least, somewhat alone. I’ve deepened some friendships with other friends who are into hockey, and it’s been nice to have someone else to talk to about random theories, but it’s not the same. So anyway, I understand, and it sucks.
posted by loulou718 at 11:00 PM on February 13 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Thank you all, for your heartfelt answers. Having your examples helps me think about this in a more concrete way.

I just realized that Arsenal are playing tomorrow. That I had somehow managed not to know that tells me that I was avoiding confronting that. It’ll be the first match I watch them play since his funeral.

Happily, I won’t be watching it alone, so I can avoid just lying there wallowing in feelings. Instead I can scream at the tv and compose messages in my head I’d send to my friend.

Thank you all again.
posted by Kattullus at 4:17 PM on February 14

Best answer: I'm in contact with dozens of UK-based folks whom I could ask to see if they're Arsenal fans and if they'd like to be in contact with a fellow fan who just lost a friend.

Would you be interested?

I'm betting there's at least one, and they're software testers, so they tend to be a fun group with diverse interests.
posted by rabia.elizabeth at 7:04 AM on February 15 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Thank you for your kind offer, rabia.elizabeth.

I do know other Arsenal fans, and I should start messaging them more, but it’ll be a while until I’m messaging them with the same kind of volume as my friend who passed away.
posted by Kattullus at 11:14 AM on February 15