How can I reduce my stress surrounding birthday gifts for children?

February 12, 2025 5:21 AM

I have lots of relatives of varying ages from 2 to early twenties. Nieces and nephews. Halp.

We don't live near them and to be honest I don't know them that well, but none of them have...hobbies. Like the boys are all boy-brand boys and what they like are lacrosse, hockey, local sports teams, and video games.

The girls are small but growing and I think are largely My Little Pony equivalent stage.

But how can I avoid going down a rabbit hole like eight times a year for people I don't know?

Does anyone have any good set it and forget it ideas like "I always buy Grandma a bag of chocolates" or "Molly gets bath products, always" or some sort of equivalent ideas where I could get a genre of something mildly delightful.

I am looking for stuff I could buy in a range of $25 to $50 dollars or so. Maybe a little more.

The boys are much, much harder to buy for then the girls. For the older ones, I think a $25 Amazon (etc) card is reasonable. I gave them more when they were younger but this is a little bit token. They're adults, they don't live at home. I don't have their phone numbers or email addresses or anything. Maybe I should switch to buying them super-nice socks or something they wouldn't buy themselves but might like (they live in the land of the ice and snow.)

I'm not even sure how long to give gifts to adult relatives who don't send gifts to me or my kid (that's not resentment, it just sounds that way, I don't really care. No one actually needs anything in my world for some reason. It's not wealth. It is weird though.

That said I also have male relatives who are just little boys, and it feels weird to give kids that age cash or cash-equivalents. After maybe 10 or 12 years old I feel less weird about gift cards. Personally, I'd want that or cold hard cash if I were them.

I don't like sounding like an asshole but I apparently am not designed in a way that allows me not to occasionally sound like an asshole, but: I have first-factor relatives and friends and obligations also, and I have always found gift-giving stressful.

If anyone has any other gift-giving strategies for those of us made tense by gift giving, I could almost certainly use them if you wanted to share.

posted by A Terrible Llama to Human Relations (18 answers total)

There's an agreement among my large extended family that birthday and holiday gifts stop once a child graduates high school, with the exception of some organized effort like a family party secret santa, etc.

Cash or cash equivalent tends to kick in around ages 7 to 8. If it's not straight cash, Amazon and Target gift cards are the norm. $20-$50, depending on age, relationship, closeness, etc. No one ever complains if they're on the $20 end of things, it's still great to get.

Prior to age 7, generic little kid toys are reasonably easy to pick out without too much thought or effort, and without much chance of screwing up.
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 5:35 AM on February 12 [3 favorites]

Honestly, my extended family stopped giving us gifts when we were like 10-15. You can just stop buying gifts for adult men you’re not close to. Ask mom what the toy/show/book of the year for the little ones is and buy something related to that.
posted by meowmeowdream at 5:42 AM on February 12 [1 favorite]

We stopped giving niblings gifts at age 18, but still spring for major milestones (graduation, wedding, birth, new home).
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 6:03 AM on February 12 [1 favorite]

My family is very much of the tell me what you want so I can get you something I know you'll like, so for my niblings, I ask my siblings and they usually give me a list or a general idea. If it's a general idea rather than a specific thing, I then consult:
The Kids Should See This Gift Guide
The Wirecutter Gift Guides (they have them by age for kids)

Otherwise, if I'm getting say a birthday gift for a friend's kid or for my niblings on my wife's side, I tend to go for a book. For say a 4 or 5 or 6 year old you can still get a picture book or an easy reading book and say "this is one of our favorites and we hope you like it!" So I'm picking out stuff I've read and that I or my kid has liked. Bookstore workers are also thrilled to get this question when I've had to pick out something in a genre I'm lost in, like my nibling who's just getting into YA and likes romance and mysteries. I'm not sure yet when/if books as gifts stop working, but so far it's been good. Maybe get it with a gift receipt to enable easy exchanges.
posted by carrioncomfort at 6:28 AM on February 12 [2 favorites]

Gift card to a local bookstore $25 until they turn eighteen

for me, wedding gift is always 2 hand-embroidered pillow cases (Etsy?)

new baby: I hand-embroider 6 month t-shirts (because newborn sizes vary so much, difficult to know what will fit) If I can't embroider I would get something super practical, cloth diapers, a "natural" brand baby wipes, natural diaper rash preventive. homemade frozen foods for mom (& family)

House warming: luxury, new, dried spices and herbs (4 or 5 of your favorites)

graduation IDK

So there you have it - I have a system where I don't have to think. I always give the same thing.
posted by memoryindustries at 6:43 AM on February 12 [5 favorites]

I'm not even sure how long to give gifts to adult relatives who don't send gifts . . .
We left the US in 1983 after I finished graduate school. The next Christmas we received a first C.A.R.E package from our Massachusetts foster family. We got our 41st 8 weeks ago. About 10 years ago, the postage-overhead crossed a threshold and our benefactor started sending [chunky] cheques instead. Decorating the Christmas Twig in December we, of course, found places to hang numerous Xmas ornaments which were given away for free at CVS and appeared in our early C.A.R.E packages. It's the thought that counts and gifting isn't transactional.

I think becoming Auntie Sock could be a great thing; but you have to commit to a 40-year stretch. Sox have utility and aren't in your face. Otherwise cash is . . . fungible while books, toys, apparel [except sox], is likely just clutter even if you live with the recipient let alone collateral rellies whose address you don't have.
posted by BobTheScientist at 6:51 AM on February 12

I have 12 nieces and nephews, some grand-nieces nephews, and more cousins than you can fit on an airplane. Aunts and uncles do not give the kids birthday presents in this family, except maybe for 1st birthday if invited to the party. Christmas presents stop at high school graduation, when they join the adult white elephant. Adults may gift each other a birthday present here or there, but really only for a banner birthday or an odd one-off thing. This is the way it went even when I was a kid, as well, so I can tell you in retrospect I never expected gifts from my older siblings, aunts, uncles, etc.

FWIW, among the generation of us who are parents to kids in the 2-15 range we are all happy about this arrangement. It's equal, no one gets mad if you forget their kid, you don't have to think about being fair about how much you spend per kid, etc. We don't accumulate extra stuff we don't need.

If you really, really WANT to buy gifts for all of these kids (that is very kind of you!), I have an 11 year old boy and I'll tell you from about 8-10 all the boys wanted Robux gift cards, and now it's V-bucks for Fortnite. Amazon is always welcome too. My kid is appreciative to receive cash but can't use it for most of the things he wants to buy so he always trades it to me for money in his Greenlight account. Oh, if any of the kids have Greenlight accounts, it is very easy to gift into their Greenlight.
posted by fennario at 7:16 AM on February 12 [1 favorite]

Books, always books, every birthday and every holiday with gifts. Switch to money/gift cards when they leave home, to school or indepdence.

Send them books that expose them to people and experiences different than them.

When they are 7-11, send graphic novels - they'll love that. When they hit 12-13 you can start sending the real classics. Always send books that are listed fore ages a couple years higher than theirs; they'll be proud of that.

Some of the books they'll never read, but a few of them they will and those stories will be with them forever, or at least for much longer than the latest stuffed animal or video game.

They may not know you well, but you'll be the relative who sends books, and that's a good relative to be.
posted by RajahKing at 7:17 AM on February 12 [3 favorites]

Is there a chain of sports stores where you are or where they are? Maybe you could do a gift card for the boys (or any of the girls of course.)
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 7:17 AM on February 12

Seconding books. A grade or so over the kid' level, and new that year if possible. Almanac-type, science and fact books ("weird but true") are usually safe choices. But get anything that grabs you. As RajahKing says, if a book happens to be a hit it'll really stay with them. I like to add a few lttle notepads and markers, stickers and things.
posted by BibiRose at 7:58 AM on February 12 [2 favorites]

Really enjoying seeing everyone's answers!

When I'm stuck on what to give, I often look at Uncommon Goods, which has a kids' category with specific age groups. For the niblings who are adults, Uncommon Goods will have options for them, too.

I really like giving books, too.
posted by wicked_sassy at 7:59 AM on February 12 [2 favorites]

I imagine this varies by family, but growing up I just got cards with, if I remember correctly, checks inside them. I forget when this stopped - certainly by the time I was in college, but perhaps earlier. These were family like my Aunt and Uncle who I usually just saw once a year - not close relatives. It definitely never bothered me that they were not giving me personalized gifts.

But I guess I'd use as a model whatever people are getting your kids as gifts, and mirror that for their kids. The adults are probably more likely to care than the kids.
posted by coffeecat at 8:17 AM on February 12

I had an aunt who gave my sister and I fun pajamas for every gift. While we made fun of it a bit as we got older, we also loved it. You can be the pajama giving relative! (The gifts stopped when we were around 18)
posted by Pineapplicious at 10:52 AM on February 12

My nephew is a 10 year old Titanic scholar and I tried giving him unique history related gifts (Cartoon History of the Universe, restored early 1800s lap desk, giant-sized Little Nemo collection, etc) but finally gave up because he always seemed more confused than pleased.

I've never seen a human being as happy about anything as he is about getting cash in a card.
posted by brachiopod at 1:07 PM on February 12 [1 favorite]

if you have time to research it, and the budget for it, i always think gift certificates to local things / experiences are fun: buffet, escape room, water park, mini golf, ski mountain, laser tag, indoor mini golf, glow in the dark indoor mini golf, movies, annual movie pass, museum membership (art, science, nature, air and space, etc), aquarium, ropes course, arcade (if parents aren't gonna hate needing to spend more to get prizes : / ), nature tour/canoe/stand up paddle board/boat experience, lego building place, over-priced ice cream place with mix ins or what not, roller skating, bowling, probably other stuff i can't think of, at varying price points and educational value. kids really remember experiences and it's fun to find out which ones stick the most. i guess this works better if they all like doing things together. so.. hmm, sorry if that's not the case, but .. if they do, you can get them for the whole fam and cross off list.. so, pros/cons. hope it helps.
posted by elgee at 2:52 PM on February 12

I've not yet found a solution that enables me not to think about it at all, but have found Wicked Uncle helpful, because it sorts presents by age, and also sends directly to the giftee, wrapped. And it reminds me of dates. It tends to be slightly more than I want to pay, but the ease trumps it. Realise you are probably not in the UK, but the ideas may be useful anyway. Other than that, I do books (including the receipt so they can exchange them), but am about to shift to book tokens for a 12-year-old, having seen her recently and realised my ideas about her reading tastes were a bit out of whack.
posted by paduasoy at 12:31 AM on February 13

I give subscriptions to magazines (eg Highlights, Chirp/Chikadee/OWL).

But 20$ in a card is always a winner and very easy. Nice to write a little limerick about them in the card. Predictable, they know to always expect it from you, personalized/thoughtful, cheap and easy.
posted by EarnestDeer at 1:09 AM on February 14

Agree with others that cash is fun. As a kid, I remember really looking forward to the cards that generally included cash because that was some of the only discretionary cash I'd get all year. Like I would dream and plan about what I'd like to spend it on - it was very appreciated. If you wanted a trademark "thing", I think socks to accompany the cash is perfect (and memorable!).

I personally wouldn't recommend books. When far-away family sent books, they often weren't well-tailored to my interests or reading level, or they were things I'd read already. I was a big reader but I preferred to pick the books out myself. If you do send books, I would strongly recommend a gift receipt.

For kids too young to understand the abstraction of cash, the wirecutter guides (or similar) should give you some perfect ideas. The thing about toddlers and young kids is they don't have super divergent interests yet. I don't think there's one kid who doesn't like a stomp rocket.
posted by mosst at 6:11 AM on February 14