being the less-depressed one

February 11, 2025 3:56 PM

My partner has chronic, fairly intense depression with a potpourri of other challenges. I have my own bundle of lifelong mental illness stuff that is less acute but still pretty draining. Looking for resources about having a depressed partner - not "how to support them" [although that is of course important] but about processing/dealing with the effects it has on me and on our relationship.
posted by needs more cowbell to Human Relations (5 answers total)

Response by poster: (I remember liking JoEllen Notte's In It Together: Navigating Depression with Partners, Friends, and Family when I read it a few years ago and should probably re-read it but would really like more suggestions as well. This stuff is hard.)
posted by needs more cowbell at 4:21 PM on February 11 [1 favorite]

Here are some a few books about depression and interpersonal relations (and the book you mentioned is at the top).

Some titles that sound like what you might want:
Depression fallout : the impact of depression on couples and what you can do to preserve the bond
How You Can Survive When They're Depressed : Living and Coping with Depression Fallout

And slightly different, a great book about boundaries:
Set boundaries, find peace : a guide to reclaiming yourself
posted by bluedaisy at 4:32 PM on February 11 [2 favorites]

I’m lucky that my partner has made it out of the deepest part of the hole he was in a while back. When it was really bad, I asked a question and got super helpful answers.

Compartmentalizing, not taking things personally, filling the well elsewhere, accepting that for a while eg the place will just not be as clean as you’d prefer (or that you’re just going to have to be the one to clean), setting boundaries with lots of love and reassurance, these are I guess part of it. Generally accepting that the person is just sick right now.

The negativity can be a lot. Compartmentalizing helps tremendously when it’s overwhelming.
posted by cotton dress sock at 6:04 PM on February 11

personally, i use drugs
posted by AlbertCalavicci at 6:56 AM on February 12

therapy, for you, them, or together is recommended by northwestern; along with behavioral activation & a reminder

“depression is a part of your significant other, not the entirety. The depression is part of your relationship, not the entirety.”

posted by HearHere at 1:08 PM on February 12 [1 favorite]