Am I an entitled princess?
February 3, 2025 10:19 PM   Subscribe

I'm having the worst argument I've ever had with a friend. Details below - please tell me the truth.

I am a young(ish) woman, turned 28 a couple weeks ago. I live alone in a house my mother gave me and work in professional services. I make good money for my age. I am an only child, and was admittedly quite spoiled and never really taught how to do chores growing up.

I don't really know how to cook very well (I try, it just never tastes good), mop the floors properly (I do vacuum), or unclog my toilet (it makes me physically react in a way I cannot control). I can but do not enjoy doing laundry, the dishes, or changing the sheets. I do not like taking public transport in my city because it overstimulates me to the point of mental distress, so I pay for Ubers almost everywhere.

So I'd rather pay a service to do all the things I'm not good at doing or don't enjoy doing. Yes, it's a lot of money that could be better saved or spent elsewhere. But it's all my money I'm spending, it makes my life easier and gives me time to focus on my career and the things outside of it that make me want to live - like helping animals and traveling.

Which leads me to the source of the argument: one of my bosses today tried to give me some busywork, which was very publicly shot down by my grandboss because "it wouldn't make sense commercially. It's a waste of her time." We all sit in an open office, so it was awkward, but I expressed some level of satisfaction in a private text chat with an older, male, friend.

My friend then said: sometimes you can be quite entitled. It's not an insult, but you are entitled. He then cited the housework stuff above and the fact that I didn't want to be doing busywork. We argued about the fact that I'm paying for professionals to come and do the stuff I don't want to instead of demanding a partner or family member clean up after me.

And then he followed up with: paying doesn't preclude entitlement.

I'm actually confused right now. Because as I understand, being entitled means demanding special treatment. But I don't demand special treatment from anyone? I did not complain when I was assigned the busywork, I agreed to do it, and my grandboss stepped in when he caught wind of it. I don't expect other people to clean up after me for free. I pay them market rates in a fair transaction. How can that mean I'm entitled?

I'm way more upset than I should be about this exchange because I grew up in a fairly affluent (but dysfunctional) family. In many ways, indeed I was spoiled by my parents, but I was also abused and neglected with many stints in the psych ward from the C-PTSD I eventually developed.

We did not end the conversation amicably, and I don't think we are on talking terms for at least the next couple of weeks, or maybe ever, depending on what my therapist says next week. However, I'd very much appreciate if you, neutral hivemind, told me the truth. Am I entitled?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (87 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
It's not an insult

Your coworker is not the one who gets to make the call as to whether this is insulting. IMO it's pretty hard to say to someone "you're entitled" in a complimentary or neutral way.

You are correct that typically entitled refers to someone who thinks they're due certain privileges or allowances (inherently). If you are paying for something you basically cannot already feel entitled to it, because someone who felt that way would never be willing to pay for something they think they already are owed.

Now, we internet strangers can't tell if you give off a sense of entitlement in other ways than you describe here, and indeed you may be unaware of them yourself. Try asking a friend who you trust enough to tell you the truth.
posted by axiom at 10:44 PM on February 3 [8 favorites]


Based on this information alone, it's a bit hard to say, given that entitlement often manifests in weird little ways. I often find that entitled people just have a slightly off-putting way of talking about other people and their own lives which leaves me feeling weird. Having said that, I do actually agree with the statement that 'paying doesn't preclude entitlement'. Uber drivers and cleaners get paid very little where I live (not the US); the market rate is still probably underpaying as an actual living wage is typically much higher than min. wage. So, even though they are being paid, and to some extent they are consenting (though poverty makes the idea of consenting to serve others for money a bit muddled), they are still getting paid shit all so some people can get out of doing stuff that most others do have to do because they don't have the means to escape the banal realities of life. Depending on the details, a situation like this could be considered exploitation, which is absolutely the end product of entitlement. It's part of why so many people hate billionaires. I am not saying this is your situation, I have no idea.
posted by BeeJiddy at 10:49 PM on February 3 [26 favorites]


You’re rich, and it’s clear to everyone because of the way you live and walk in the world, and some people are jealous of that. Many people had shitty childhoods and were poor, so that your childhood was bad doesn’t remove their jealousy.

People with money, who have never lacked, walk with an ease in the world that they can’t even see. There are things you don’t worry about because you’ve always had them.

Other people smell this on you. That’s what they mean.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:51 PM on February 3 [104 favorites]


Well from your description, in some ways you could match the common definition of entitled. For one "I live alone in a house my mother gave me" is kind of the literal definition of entitlement in that you have the legal right to something you did not earn yourself. Sometimes people use entitled to mean "has access to something they don't deserve" and sometimes they mean "acts like they are superior to other people". It's not really clear what your coworker meant. As your coworker is an older male this sounds a lot like a "kids these days" thing, where the older generation is often annoyed that the younger generation doesn't have to do chores they had to do at your age. Same for busywork, in many jobs busywork is kind of a rite of passage that people to do to be seen as "hardworking", even if it's pointless.

Your coworker saying "sometimes you can be quite entitled" is NOT the same as saying that you are full of yourself and demand special treatment. It's not a judgement on who you are as a person overall, as they made a point to restrict it to specific things about chores/busywork. As someone who struggles with this (with CPTSD I believe), it's pretty easy to take criticism of this behavior and feel like it is a personal attack. It doesn't sound like they meant it to be a personal attack.

I agree that you probably need to get the opinion of someone else, and you could maybe ask about the specific behaviors/words that make you seem entitled. You can change those things if you want to. I changed a few of my own behaviors to come across as less entitled/arrogant, as I had that problem when I was younger.
posted by JZig at 10:57 PM on February 3 [9 favorites]


Personally I agree with you that if you're not asking for special treatment, and paying people fairly for services etc., then you're doing fine.

But your friend might not have meant "demanding special treatment" precisely - I can think of a few other possibilities:
- he might have meant "entitled" merely as a synonym for "privileged", i.e. you can afford to get out of unpleasant chores that most people are forced to do themselves
- maybe he meant that although you don't ask for special treatment per se, you're subconsciously accustomed to it and would be unreasonably upset if you didn't receive it
- or maybe that you don't think you're asking people for special treatment, but the level of treatment that you do ask for is special and you don't realize it

Agreed I don't think internet strangers are going to be able to narrow this down much further, but I hope this helps you figure out what your friend meant exactly...
posted by equalpants at 10:57 PM on February 3 [28 favorites]


What would it look like to change your framing if your childhood story from but to and?
So instead of…
I grew up in a fairly affluent (but dysfunctional) family. In many ways, indeed I was spoiled by my parents, but I was also abused and neglected

You could think…
I grew up in a fairly affluent, family, AND I was also abused and neglected

Because the bad things that happen don’t take away the wealth and privilege you have. I don’t mean to make light of the abuse you suffered. But other people are going to have a hard time with the “but” in your first sentence. The way to own your privilege is to own your privilege.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:12 PM on February 3 [24 favorites]


You may not be absolutely insufferable, but you're coming across even in this post as somewhat entitled, because... well, let me see if I can pick out a few things that help explain it.

Cooking. If someone can't cook well, they typically have two choices. Eat their terrible cooking or learn to cook. Paying other people to cook doesn't even cross their mind as a possibility, because it's not, and yet you talk about it like it's a given. (Or, there's a third option, really - they're low enough income that "cooking" consists of things like boiling water for ramen and eating peanut butter sandwiches, which is pretty difficult to mess up.)

Mopping. No one needs "taught" to mop. It's a matter of that thing on the stick? Get it wet. Rub it on the floor. If it doesn't work, rub more or maybe add some cleaner. Don't know what to get? Go to the store and read the bottles. Too much water on the floor? Wring the mop out - yes, even with your hands - and be a little more careful next time.

And that unclog the toilet one... Well, you could choose to be more careful and not clog up the toilet. Or, you could deal with it, like the rest of us. Heck, for me, it's vomit. I literally cannot think about someone - even a pet - vomiting, without it triggering my gag reflex. And you know what happens when you have several small children like I did? You open the window, or turn on the fan, or hold your breath, or whatever you need to - and you go about doing what needs done. You DEAL with it, because the only other option is leaving the mess there.

And THAT is where the entitlement is. Instead of just getting on with life's less pleasant things and simply dealing with it, you look for a way out of it, because you don't just hope there is a way out, you KNOW there is.

That's the kind of internalized entitlement being talked about. All it takes is your automatic assumption that you *can* make the unpleasantness, whatever it may be, go away.

Not trying to be mean, just trying (probably poorly) to put some of this into words.
posted by stormyteal at 11:17 PM on February 3 [118 favorites]


I don't think your friend was carefully picking out his words from the dictionary when he texted you back, I think he was just trying to express a certain kind of frustration and did so imperfectly. Honestly, it sounds like something he had been carrying for a while and this particular incident was just the straw that broke the camel's back. I would just take this as a sign that I shouldn't talk to this friend about this sort of thing, and move on.
posted by btfreek at 11:35 PM on February 3 [8 favorites]


I just realized my comment above reads super vaguely since I deleted a bunch of stuff from it before posting. By "a certain kind of frustration" I mean what bluedaisy wrote in her first comment.
posted by btfreek at 11:44 PM on February 3


I admit I rolled my eyes when I read this. Older male friend gives unsolicited opinion about personality, when all you wanted to do was share a tidbit about your day. Damn, relax dude… But maybe that’s me being judgey.

equalpants is probably right. He might be thinking about “entitlement” to mean something different, like “privileged”.

A few ways you might unpack this:

Do you have a relationship where you are blunt with each other? (I’m thinking of the famous Dutch or German cultures, in that respect.)

Do you think he’s trying to be helpful vs. springing on the opportunity to ‘put you in your place’?

If the former — are you actually interested in the kind of help that is blunt, unasked for, and not addressing some sort of universal moral wrong or harm to self/others?

Side-note: Cooking (and all the other stuff) is an important life skill and can be fun! I wouldn’t discount it. You might be surprised how much you enjoy it if you find some fun recipes and are patient with yourself. But yeah, I don’t think you’re being entitled (in the Oxford dictionary meaning of the word).
posted by primavera_f at 11:48 PM on February 3 [13 favorites]


In many ways, indeed I was spoiled by my parents, but I was also abused and neglected with many stints in the psych ward from the C-PTSD I eventually developed.

You are well-off, but I would never describe a person who was abused and neglected as a child to the point they had many "stints in the psych ward" as either privileged or entitled.

In fact, I think it's very surprising and quite admirable that you are as functional as you clearly are. I bet there are a lot of therapists who would dearly like to know how you and your doctors and other care givers actually pulled that off.

And I would guess that if this man were to know your history (though I think it would be extremely unwise to let him), and has so much as a shred of empathy, he would be deeply ashamed of himself right about now.

My guess is that all the things you don't do for yourself and delegate to strangers would trigger your CPTSD if you tried to do them yourself, or had to have intimate relationships with people who could help you with some of them.

Don't beat yourself up. You got away from the people who were doing that, and I think you deserve to be congratulated for your escape and the life you've made for yourself.

I don't think I could have done it, and I guarantee a clueless fool like this guy couldn't have done it either.
posted by jamjam at 11:49 PM on February 3 [13 favorites]


As someone who also has CPTSD and was born to an affluent family, but who now lives a rather modest and financially underprivileged life, I'll share some thoughts.

Do I think you're entitled? Maybe.

Do I think you are privileged? Absolutely yes. (I agree with btfreek that your friend probably didn't choose his words carefully, but the sentiment is clear.)

Very few people can afford to buy a home in this economy, let alone be fortunate enough to receive one through a family member/inheritance.

Very few people can afford to pay other people to perform mundane, unpleasant, and repetitive tasks of daily living so they don't have to.

And because few people can afford to pay others to perform those tasks for them, those same people are not only less privileged than you are but also more responsible because they have no other choice but to be responsible.

Does this make you a bad person? No. But does your unwillingness to accept this criticism and genuinely look inward, without getting defensive, indicate that you might lack a substantial amount of self awareness? Yes.

This experience you had with your friend - the conflict itself - presents a crossroads. You can either use this moment to seriously begin to look inward and face the truth of who you are, which is painful but deeply rewarding in the long run, or you can continue to dig in your heels and pretend like what your friend said had no merit. As someone a decade older than you...that choice will shape much of the rest of your life. My thirties have been very educational and I am better off for it, but that education was not without pain and loss. CPTSD can do a number on us and we learn coping mechanisms to get by, but those same coping mechanisms often hold us back. Be kind to yourself but remember that kindness includes looking inward.
posted by nightrecordings at 11:51 PM on February 3 [52 favorites]


Which leads me to the source of the argument: one of my bosses today tried to give me some busywork, which was very publicly shot down by my grandboss because "it wouldn't make sense commercially. It's a waste of her time." We all sit in an open office, so it was awkward, but I expressed some level of satisfaction in a private text chat

This was the precursor incident that caused your friend to comment.

I’d invite you to slow walk through the work place incident, and your level of satisfaction at having a person of authority publicly declare some work to be, effectively, beneath you.

My suspicion is that this felt really good to you; that you felt a little prideful or chuffed about it. This would be the entitled part showing that your friend was picking up on.

Someone else not so full of themselves may feel embarrassed at that public exchange. They would worry that their coworkers would now think they think they’re better than the coworkers. They would worry about the future ramifications for their work relationships and brainstorm ways to demonstrate lowering themselves a bit in the eyes of others, so that their coworkers see that they feel they are on the coworker side (not the management side).

If this read sticks, then your friend has been a good friend. They care enough to tell you (even if frustrated); they are still your friend regardless of you having an entitled side. Since we all have flaws.

If this read doesn’t stick, then other factors are at play for your friend.

Depends how long the friend has known you and the different environments they’ve seen you in; depends how reliable and clear the friend; but I’ve had friends give me valuable feedback in cases like these since as an adult people rarely let you know how you come across.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:55 PM on February 3 [49 favorites]


Others have pointed out that you are undeniably privileged to be able to offload tasks that you find unpleasant onto others. Whether this is an ethical thing to do (when it affects only you and these workers) I believe depends on how fairly they are compensated for their work, and that varies wildly.

I live in a country where labour is cheap, and it's considered "normal" for a middle-class person to be able to afford to hire a domestic worker for a variety of household tasks, even if it's only for a few hours a week. I immigrated here from a country where this is very much not the norm, and I don't do this mostly because I find it weird and uncomfortable to have someone in my personal space like that, but also because I think these workers are not fairly compensated. When I hear my fellow countrymen discussing this issue, I would absolutely say that they feel "entitled" to this labour at this price, and I 100% admit that I judge them negatively for this, even after living here for > 30 years.

But I know that in other countries labour is much, much more expensive (I would say: not undervalued), and people who do these jobs can make a reasonable living from them. If you live in one of those countries you are probably not exploiting your cleaner (although Uber drivers I would say are being exploited everywhere).

However, unless you are extremely antisocial, it's likely that these arrangements that you make for yourself don't just affect you and these workers. St. Peepsburg above pointed out something about your workplace dynamics, but while your friend's comment was triggered by this workplace interaction, it's possible that he was referring to a pattern of behaviour around your friends. Consider for example that a person who is very used to outsourcing certain tasks at home may not realise that in a friend's home they are outsourcing those tasks to their friend. Or that a person who is used to paying a certain amount for transport may not realise that it's an unreasonable amount to others. Examples are anything from using multiple mugs or glasses for drinks while visiting someone, to making a toilet dirty and not cleaning it up, to organising a friend excursion which is difficult or expensive for your friends to get to because the Uber cost doesn't seem very high to you personally.

I don't know you and I can't say if any of this applies to you -- for all I know you're hyper-aware of this and meticulously compensate for it. But if you don't, there may be friction there that has been building up for your friend until this conversation was the final straw for him.
posted by confluency at 12:18 AM on February 4 [7 favorites]


Ugh. Your friend is jealous and insulted you while pretending it was a neutral description. You are upset because we always use the word entitled in a negative way.
Are you lucky, to have some sort of financial cushion? Yes. Is that a form of privilege? Of course. There is no harm in acknowledging one's luck or privelege.
But are you entitled?
Just take a look at how many Askme answers suggest people pay for housekeeping, if housekeeping is overwhelming to the asker. It's a constant suggestion here with zero moral overtones.
We pay for all kinds of things we can't, don't want to, or don't feel like doing ourselves. (Who here uses door dash? )And there is absolutely no reason that paying someone to do your housework is any better or worse than hiring someone to do anything else. I'm sure your housekeepers agree.
As for busywork... there is an entire critique of busywork I can't get into here, (but google bullshit jobs) and NO ONE likes tasks that feels meaningless or time-wasting even when you're paid to do it, you are not entitled for being glad not to have to do mindless or pointless stuff just because your boss told you to. Ugh. Your friend should have said "Congrats" that your grand boss got you out of it. What were you supposed to say, "My mother gave me a house and I have a cleaning service, so I would have been glad to do BS busywork, and the fact that it was taken off my plate makes me feel guilty"? WTF. No.
So all in all: Have you had some luck in life? Clearly yes on the financial side, clearly no on a lot of other family cards that were dealt you. Are you privileged? Yes, acknowledge that in terms of your economic position, as everyone who has had some kind of ease based on the structures or generational wealth they were born into might.
Are you entitled? That's a pretty mean thing to say, and was said for no good reason, you didn't do anything to warrant it, and it's an insulting term you don't deserve ...your friend is not much of a friend if they blindside you with that petty insult to bring you down a peg and make themselves feel less jealous.
Like most of us women, you're taking this in deeply and questioning yourself, I'd encourage you to just be irritated that your friend insulted you out of envy when you wanted to share a tiny bit of everyday joy with a buddy, which is supposed to be what friends are for.
posted by ponie at 12:59 AM on February 4 [21 favorites]




I guess there are two things here.

One is that you have a really strong reaction to your friend's comments for 'reasons'. Sit with that for a bit and reflect on it and the bigger picture - your relationship with this and perhaps other friends. Many good suggestion's as to what may be going on.

The second thing is workplace dynamics. Many workplaces require some degree of busywork. Through grand boss' intervention, you got out of doing some. But that came at a cost and you seem to be oblivious to that or at least don't mention it in your post.

Work on the assumption that a) your boss is not happy to have been overruled, and overruled in public. They can't take that out on grand boss, they probably can't take it out on you but they may end up taking it out on somebody. b) most likely, your boss will still require somebody to do this work, just not you. So yes, you got out of doing busy work. Now somebody else has to do more busy work.

I know a lot of the workers vs boss dynamic people assume does not always lend itself to professional services up or out structures and progression paths. But people will people. This felt like a win in the moment but it may also hurt you in some ways. It may harm how you are perceived. Fairly or not. Your colleagues know you come from wealth and use your wealth to avoid unpleasant stuff they may not be able or choose not to avoid. Some will have feelings about that. You also seem to be a favourite with the grand boss (who is probably also perceived as privileged). Some people will also have feelings about that, too. These two perceptions may reinforce each other. Your friend may be trying to point that out to you.
posted by koahiatamadl at 1:47 AM on February 4 [10 favorites]


Some people will relentlessly throw shade on white women because it’s a perfectly acceptable way to diminish a woman. You didn’t have a choice in your upbringing. You seem like a well adjusted and thoughtful person. The fact that your asking this question automatically proves you aren’t narcissist. You don’t have to diminish yourself to make others happy.
posted by waving at 2:54 AM on February 4 [12 favorites]


Will be back to read other people's posts but my instant reaction is how many male friends with female spouses he's ever used the word entitled to. You pay for the labour you have other people do for you. Are you a princess? Yeh, I get a lil vibe of that, doesn't make you anything else, like a bitch or a Karen or the other things "entitled" implies.
posted by Iteki at 2:56 AM on February 4 [10 favorites]


I guess one question is why this guy knows how you deal with cooking, cleaning, etc. in the first place. Is it because you're that close and it totally normally came up? Is it something you tend to bring up where others wouldn't? When you talk about it, do you do it with an air of "ew, I hate [thing that most people have to do and also don't like], I get someone else to do that", with an emphasis on how disgusting, unpleasant, or just optional it all is to you? Do you do it with an air of "I deserve to just do the things I like"? Do you do it with an air of recognizing your own privilege?

Does he know about the house? I assume he doesn't know about the trauma?

Is he less affluent than you, maybe supporting multiple people on a similar income, or not having the benefit of a gifted house? Did he grow up much less affluent than he currently is? It can be hard to be around people who don't have to be stressed about the things you do, who seem to take their wealth or good health or good fortune for granted or who get to fly while you're mucking about on the ground. Or maybe he was just raised to empathize with the perspective of being on the ground, and to see being in the air as privileged and detached?

Is that busywork something that someone else will need to do? Has he had to do it a lot? Is he someone who feels there's moral benefit in rolling up your sleeves and facing things you don't like, or in having a history of having done so?

Are you seen as a kind of superstar at work? Might he feel some jealousy about it? Is he, as some comments here suggest, bringing misogyny or hierarchy or other things into this? Is he frustrated in a way that most people would be? Is he being a good friend and pointing out you have something stuck in your teeth?

It might be that you talk about this stuff in a way that sounds entitled, or overly privileged, to most people. It might be that you talk about it more frequently than you realize, or more frequently than other people do, or just more frequently than other people in his particular social circle. It might be that his reaction to you is connected to his own past history or his own current circumstances. It might be that his reaction is a sign that he's not a good friend or doesn't respect you, or it might just be part of the normal salad of feelings we all tend to have about the people around us and he simultaneously likes and respects and wants the best for you, while also thinking that jeez you kind of have it easy and don't realize it.

Someone I barely knew once said I talk about money a lot. (I think we were in a cafeteria and I'd said something like "Sorry, don't mean to be talking about the prices, that's boring" and he nodded seriously and said "yeah, you do do talk about money a lot.") I was really surprised because I'd had only a small number of conversations with this guy ever, and had never thought I talked about money much. And I was disturbed by it: do I? I'm always stressed about money because I earn so little, and I always have to be super aware about budget and look for good deals on things and buy things based on price rather than other factors. It just takes up a lot of headspace. Does that really spill out so much to other people? Do I talk about it that much more than other people? Do I talk about it to an extent that's totally normal to other people who need to scrimp or who grew up having to, but one that's weird to people used to having a lot more? Either way, is it tedious for people around me? Do I seem like a miser? Do I do it so much it stands out as part of my personality? Do I actually think about it too much?

It's always hard to know how you come across to other people, how your internal struggles play out to other people, how universal their perceptions of you are or how specific they are to them. Or whether their perception of them says more about them than you, or whether it indicates something you might want to change about how you interact with others, or something you might want to change about the way you actually think about and approach the world.

In your shoes, I'd probably also find myself processing this conversation for a while, and my own reaction to it (like you are). I think you have to decide how much grace to give yourself, how much grace and benefit of the doubt you want to give him, whether you want to adjust your interaction style with him or others going forward, and whether you want to adjust how you look at some things in your own life going forward.
posted by trig at 3:56 AM on February 4 [15 favorites]


I don't demand special treatment from anyone?

If a throwaway unflattering character assessment arising from differing viewpoints on housework has delivered more than the very slight ego bruise it would cause most people, and genuinely does count as the worst argument you've ever had with a friend in 28 years on this planet, it may well be that your friends routinely walk on eggshells around you and that this is an opportunity to think on why that might be so.

I say that, by the way, as somebody who pays a professional house cleaner to come in fortnightly and unfuck my habitat.
posted by flabdablet at 4:15 AM on February 4 [9 favorites]


I know some people won’t like this comment but I do often (though not always) find only children to be a bit entitled. They’re often still very lovely people! It’s just little differences like taking the whole of the last pastry rather than cutting it in half to share, or automatically going for the front passenger seat in a group getting in to a car, taking a long hot shower when a friend is visiting (rather than thinking about how much needs to be saved in the hot water tank). It’s not egregious, but it’s a difference I often note between only children and those who grew up with siblings.
posted by raccoon409 at 4:17 AM on February 4 [12 favorites]


We did not end the conversation amicably, and I don't think we are on talking terms for at least the next couple of weeks, or maybe ever, depending on what my therapist says next week.

You didn’t go into the whole exchange and I don’t know your friend dynamics, but I personally would look out for black and white thinking and fight/flight here. Rather than focus on whether your friend is right on some absolute scale of rightness about entitlement (which doesn’t exist) - what do you want? Is this a friendship which overall has been good and supportive, or do you think that your friend is often too quick to judge you/tell you you have to do better or differently?

Also be sure you are moving or meditating or whatever you do with adrenaline spikes because it sounds like this text exchange was pretty stressful.

If you decide you would like to continue the friendship, I think you just tell the friend he hurt your feelings. If he listens to that rather than continuing the argument (and there will be shades here, like he might try to explain) then it’s worth just moving on. If not, maybe it’s a slow fade time.

I am a bit suspicious about the older male aspect of this for sure. But I also think it may have started as sound work advice. It also gives you an idea of a behaviour - the texting in triumph that you don’t have to do busywork - that you may want to keep in check and even think about.

My reaction to similar edicts isn’t usually being satisfied the grand boss stepped in because I know that dynamic - my boss being awkwardly overruled in public - isn’t going to be great unless it’s like, a big serious thing. (Grand boss should have spoken with boss in private; this is likely to give the office the idea you are receiving special privileges from grand boss.)

Also I’d be glad my expertise is being recognized but I’d be nervous about delivering whatever higher value is worth the argument. (Or worse gossip, depending on the office.)

In other words, my gut on the work story is that your friend may have been trying to let you know that getting out of busywork isn’t like getting out of chores when you’re 11, the dynamic around it can actually cut you off from potential allies (your boss and coworkers.) Or, he may be a judgey jerk. It depends on the whole patterns of your relationship.

I’ll just end with myself here. My girlfriend is a stay at home mom to a tween and a teen, has cleaners, and economically it’s due to a very unusual housing situation in Silicon Valley. I have kids similar ages, work full time, clean my own house, etc. sometimes she makes comments that honestly hit me wrong. When I’m having a good or normal day it’s fine. But when I’m stressed out because of the eleventy million things on my to-do list including that I stayed up doing laundry, it does sometimes hit me really wrong. I recognize that it’s not anything she’s doing at me. And it’s not like I need her to scrub a toilet. But I occasionally uncharitably have a thought like she’d fall over if she had to get done in a week what I get done every week.

I don’t want her to fall over! It’s more that I’m tired out in that moment. Maybe your friend is struggling with money, chores, busywork at their job. My girlfriend has, over the years, picked up on this and so when she scents the whiff of my Calvinistic stress/judgey response she’ll often flip the conversation to “how was your week?” And I rattle off my list of All Things and she usually sympathizes or appreciates that I might be tired out. And I then get my feet under me to listen to her that the cleaners coming on Thursday instead of Wednesday really is disruptive. It’s a long standing back and forth that works cause we love each other and have been in each other’s lives since 1990. Is she entitled? I don’t know; it’s not my job.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:36 AM on February 4 [23 favorites]


I do not think that someone would accuse a man of being 'entitled' for outsourcing housework.

Personally, I'm a big fan of professionalizing domestic work, because it takes invisible, uncounted and untaxed "women's work" and makes it a measurable, conspicuous slice of the economy that it always (secretly) was. Spend your money on services, and don't feel bad about it!
posted by eraserbones at 4:49 AM on February 4 [23 favorites]


"Entitled" is a judgment that subsumes an entire array of sub-judgments about deserving, obligation, what is "reasonable" for a person to want vs. need, ability and disability, class, gender, power distance/hierarchy, etc. I don't know what constellation of beliefs your friend holds; I know some things I believe but they tend to boil down to "we pretty much all have a rough lot in life so I want to default to solidarity and compassion".

I've often found that reflecting on my beliefs about those judgments is valuable, and -- if a friend is genuinely open to discussion, and if I can engage in that discussion with an open mind, and we can have that discussion in person or in a phone call -- we can learn more about what we believe and whether our values actually diverge. But I think it is important to start with the assumption that many of us feel pretty fraught about what we "deserve" and what others do. The Christian parable of the laborers in the vineyard has been especially helpful in reminding me how easy it is to feel jealousy when others have it easier -- jealousy that can come out in the language of "deserving" -- and to remind myself that I have a choice about what to do with that feeling.
posted by brainwane at 5:03 AM on February 4 [3 favorites]


I am sorry about your difficult upbringing, but I say yes you do seem a bit entitled. This doesn’t mean you are a rotten person; you did ask the question in the first place.

There is nothing inherently wrong in hiring a cleaner--lots of not so rich folks do! But your entitlement comes through (pretty loud to me). You are 28 years old and cannot figure out how to mop properly? Do you think most people like the smell of a dirty toilet? People without your resources don’t get the option of saying “I won’t clean up the mess, its icky!” They clean up the mess and life goes on.

In all your info about how wealthy you are, there is no mention of “I over tip as much as I can because I realize eleven bucks an hour is not a living wage” or any acknowledgment that service jobs are low paying, with no benefits or security.

In the work situation, who knows, maybe your boss deserved to be overruled in front of everyone. But crowing about it to a friend might have come across as unprofessional at best and mean at worse. Did you get out of busy work that others have to do when the big boss isn’t there? Can you see how that would be a bit obnoxious to the group?

What I am picking up on in this question is the belief that since you are rich, you don't have to do anything you don't want to. Which is true up to a point, but it raises ethical issues that you are ignoring. Do you want to be more capable in the household? Would you like to master making one or two decent meals? Do you want to you use some of your wealth for good? How do you treat your "help"? Do you care about your co-workers? If you had a stronger value system, you might not feel judged if someone calls you out on parts of your life.

If this friend is someone who is generally on your side, I'd listen. If this person frequently makes you feel bad about yourself, they are not a good friend.

Good luck.
posted by rhonzo at 5:18 AM on February 4 [18 favorites]


a private text chat with an older, male, friend.

Older men aren't your friends.

I mean of course they can be, and often are. Do I have older male friends? Yes.

But also: older men aren't your friends

Rigorous vetting required, years of knowing them required, but always maintain vigilance to be disappointed by them in some way. [Are you an older man who is put off by this statement? Sucks to suck, do better. The patriarchy isn't my fault.]
posted by phunniemee at 5:23 AM on February 4 [43 favorites]


I figure your friend feels like he (and perhaps others) would get stuck with that busy work. And the fact that you expect not to be, because (whatever reasons you have), constitutes entitlement. What happened to that work by the way? Is it gone in puff of logic, or is someone else doing it right now?

I wonder how your officemates perceive your relationship with you boss or grandboss. Why does grandboss get you in particular out of boring tasks? Is that something that you deserve based solely on your performance? Does your friend expect or get that treatment?

Things to consider.
posted by SaltySalticid at 5:26 AM on February 4 [3 favorites]


It might come down to how you carry yourself with others and whether you assume they can behave similarly to you.

For instance, I have a friend who is well off and subscribes to all the things you can subscribe to (streaming-wise), whereas I, a Poor, am constantly cancelling and resubscribing and such in order to maximize my dollar.

My friend is absolutely baffled at my behaviour and grows frustrated when she wants to talk about a show she’s watched and I respond with, “I don’t have Netflix right now” or whatever.

My lack of finances hinder her ability to have meaningful conversation and though she would never come out and say that, it’s clear in her tone, to which she seems oblivious.

I also often turn this person down for invitations to dine out or grab a drink, strictly based on finances, but she sees it as me not wanting to spend time with her because she knows I often spend time with a mutual friend who is also well off. The difference? “Entitled” friend says, “Hey, do you want to go to dinner at this new restaurant?,” which I decline. Other friend says, “Hey, I want to check out this new restaurant and don’t have anyone to go with. Can I buy you dinner?”

Now I’m not suggesting you pay your friend’s rent or pay for them to have a chef or a housekeeper or anything, but if you have lots of free time that your friend does not because they’re spending it doing the things you’re paying someone to do — and you flaunt that free time by constantly asking them to spend time with you… well, that wears thin pretty fast and I would classify that behaviour as Entitled.
posted by dobbs at 5:47 AM on February 4 [4 favorites]


Entitlement a way of looking out for entitlement.

Even though you didn't personally complain about receiving busywork, your grandboss knows who you are and intervened on your behalf in a way that could be perceived as them protecting your entitlement--you're "too good for that work". And if you've shared the same things about your personal life that you've shared here, your coworkers would have every reason to assume you're entitled because you are.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 5:56 AM on February 4 [2 favorites]


Is this a management consulting gig? From what I know there is a pretty clear hierarchy and people have a lot of complexes about not being an ivy grad and being at Deloitte instead of McKinsey or whatever. My point is that, if you are, you’re in a work environment where entitlement and privilege and hierarchy and class are all part of the world you inhabit, so those feelings may be heightened there.
posted by MisantropicPainforest at 6:02 AM on February 4 [4 favorites]


I expressed some level of satisfaction in a private text chat with an older, male, friend.

Were you boasting?

When I was a child, we were taught to not brag. I was part of a neighborhood group of children, and when we wanted to report something good to each other that had happened to us, we'd first politely ask, "Do you care if I brag?", so as not to insult anyone.

My guess is that your friend felt that you were boasting (were you?), and they found it to be impolite, thus, their reaction. However, it may have been better if they could have expressed their feelings in a more polite way.
posted by SageTrail at 6:37 AM on February 4 [10 favorites]


Since you are working with a therapist, maybe you could consider:

For the workplace incident, I'd examine my dynamic with the boss and grand boss. Is there any dysfunction in your professional relationships with these two people?

For the general day to day, I agree that most folks do tasks every day that they don't want to. You choose not to and you have the means to make that choice. Maybe that behavior can lead to you feeling put out if it's suggested that you do the work yourself. Would you be willing to do the work if you had to, or would you complain and demand that someone else do it?
posted by happy_cat at 6:50 AM on February 4 [1 favorite]


This is the line that stood out to me in your post:

professionals to come and do the stuff I don't want to instead of demanding a partner or family member clean up after me.

The fact that you think that is an option vs doing it yourself makes me think sorry, but thats exactly what entitlement is. Demanding someone else clean up after you? Excuse me? Textbook definition in my book.
posted by cgg at 7:03 AM on February 4 [20 favorites]


Demanding someone else clean up after you? Excuse me? Textbook definition in my book.

Men do this all the time. All the fucking time. It is the default expectation of heterosexual partnerships, for generations upon generations. That was the clear and apparent point that OP was making in that statement, to my read.
posted by phunniemee at 7:12 AM on February 4 [30 favorites]


Aside from living in a house that was gifted to her, there's not a single thing that OP has described that hasn't been a normalized set of behaviors for affluent white men. The only difference here is that OP is a woman, a princess, and people have misogyny about it.
posted by phunniemee at 7:16 AM on February 4 [29 favorites]


So what if you are entitled? Why does this bother you so much? Maybe focus on that with your therapist instead of whether or not to dump this friend.

If you're not hurting anyone with your behaviour then I don't see what the issue is. Professional Services is full of truly entitled people who will step on anyone to get ahead. If your biggest flaw is feeling like you don't deserve to be doing busy work, you're living a more virtuous life than most of your peers.
posted by Stoof at 7:17 AM on February 4 [3 favorites]


The grand boss changed your task because the company is paying for whatever skillset and training you were hired for, and they saw that giving you busywork was not the optimal use of the company's resources, and that would be on them. It's not up to you how your immediate boss feels about their boss implicitly criticizing how they use company resources.
The resentment some people seem to have that workers ARE in fact hired for skills, training and ability that not everyone in the workplace can equally claim is not surprising given our moment of belittling any measure of expertise. But you did nothing wrong. In fact, acting like you SHOULD do the busywork the grand boss took away from you out of some vague guilt would have been an irritating expression of noblesse oblige.
As for hiring cleaning people: Just don't go to such lengths to justify it. Gosh, no one finds it nice to unclog a toilet. In trying to justify why you have a cleaning service it unfortunately makes it sound like you believe others who can't afford it aren't as sensitive as you are so, you just need to. The way not to seem entitled here is just to own the fact that this is how you choose to spend your money. Don't apologize for it.
posted by lesser whistling duck at 7:35 AM on February 4 [10 favorites]


Comparison is the thief of joy and I am 99% sure that's what was going on with your friend. My closest friend was always much more well off than me growing up and the little subtle things that she didn't understand about my life/most people's lives could definitely add up. Maybe this is a straw that broke the camels back situation. Either way, I think it's safe to say that your friend is probably envious of your financial situation at times, especially if they don't understand the flip side/dysfunctional family side (and I agree that this friend is not necessarily a safe person to confide that stuff to).

Maybe you have had this feeling yourself before if you've had a friend with a very caring and "what you see is what you get" family? Like the kind of person who would say "just talk to your parent" and not get the implications? That's what it can feel like to be around someone who has a lot more money than you do.
posted by Eyelash at 7:41 AM on February 4 [4 favorites]


I am not certain, given the one-sidedness of your post, whether you are entitled or not. It is very clear that you are privileged, and I suspect that may be what your co-worker was pointing at. The two are tangential but different. Instead of being defensive, an interesting exercise is to consider whether the affront may be correct and then exercise your logic and self-awareness to prove or disprove the hypothesis. Too many people reflexively deny aspersions. There are none of us who are not flawed, and all of us could grow from where we are.
posted by jcworth at 7:48 AM on February 4 [4 favorites]


Look, some people feel that there is a kind of moral imperative for adults -- which you are, at 28, sorry! Not a uwu baby anymore! -- to be some level of self-sufficient and to be mindful of the work they leave for others. Not to never leave work for others! But to be mindful of it, and not to burden others unnecessarily so they can have incrementally more pleasure.

It's like the shopping cart thing; no, you don't HAVE to put the cart back. No, you're not a monster if you don't, and maybe you have a great reason not to today, or every day! But someone who is mindful of the work they leave for others will put it back when they possibly can (and maybe pick up a stray cart or two on the way).

I don't know you well enough to know whether you are generally mindful of the work you leave for others. But that situation at your job sounds like...maybe not so much? Maybe you really need not to have that busywork, because you are crazy overloaded right now and also dealing with C-PTSD and having a hard time, and that is totally valid and it's valid to feel relieved you don't need to do it, it's valid to feel appreciated when it seems like someone is looking out for you.

But maybe you aren't busy and stressed, you just don't wanna, and you feel like you're a little too good for it, and you're glad other people think you're the hottest shit too. Well, who has to do that work now? Why isn't their time important? Because isn't it? What do you know about their home life, their childhood, their mental health? It could be just like yours, they could be just as overworked, only now they have to do this other thing that you admit you think is demeaning!

That's what it means to be mindful and not, for lack of a better word, entitled. Take that work if you have the capacity, tell grandboss "No, that's okay, I'm happy to help the team out on this!" If you don't, find out who inherits that work and show them your appreciation.

You don't have to make your life harder for no reason; but you should make sure you're not making the lives of others harder for no reason.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 7:52 AM on February 4 [18 favorites]


In the sense of casually accepting our advantages without recognizing them, you are undoubtedly entitled about some things.

Of course, so is almost everyone else.

Humans virtually always look up the economic chain with resentment and are usually ignorant, or in denial of how much their life is taking advantage of those lower on the chain. It’s just how people are, and you are a person.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:55 AM on February 4 [8 favorites]


I would bet that this friend has never said those words to a male, same age peer, and that he could stand to examine why that is. I believe that his saying those words by text, and claiming that they are not an insult, means that he is not skillful at handling uncomfortable differences between friends. That it led from there to the standoff where you are now suggests you may have room to grow those skills too.

I also think that your definition of entitled is narrower than many others’. While you are quite possibly clear of being entitled according to your narrow definition, it sounds like there are ways that you are entitled according to a broader one. Some people will have problems with that, some won’t, and you’re the only one who can decide whether you do.
posted by daisyace at 7:59 AM on February 4 [4 favorites]


Thought experiment: pretend that your friend said "Sometimes I perceive you as quite entitled" instead of "Sometimes you can be quite entitled". The I-statement is something you can't argue with--your friend is the authority on his perceptions. Lots of good advice above about why you might care about perceptions and how your privilege can make others feel, and how to improve how you make others feel.
posted by aincandenza at 7:59 AM on February 4 [2 favorites]


IMO your friend should have used the word privileged, not entitled. Privileged indicates that you grew up with more financial resources than the average person, a fact which I think is true here. (Being privileged is not inherently a good or a bad thing. It's simply a way to describe and categorize a person's life experiences.)

The word entitled, on the other hand, is loaded, and generally not a positive indicator. Based on your post, I would say that you are definitely privileged, but not necessarily entitled. Also, perhaps you are simply unaware of how you are coming across to others.

Have you ever stopped to consider how your friend is doing, financially or otherwise? If someone is struggling or just generally disappointed with things in their life, a casual comment about "paying to get the housework done" can be enough to drive a person crazy.

I'm not saying these things to hurt your feelings. You seem like a conscientious person, especially given the trauma in your childhood upbringing. However, I think that it would be helpful to find ways to raise your awareness about issues surrounding wealth, privilege, and income inequality. Just my two cents.
posted by carnival_night_zone at 7:59 AM on February 4 [4 favorites]


I don't see any relevance to the fact that the OP is a woman. All of us who live in first-world countries are privileged in many ways. You (the OP) pay someone to clean your house, but we all pay to have an organization pipe running water to our house (rather than walking down to the river with buckets). And we pay someone to grow crops so we can eat, rather than growing them ourselves. Honestly, the whole patriarchy thing is a red herring here. For what it's worth, I think the OP did nothing wrong, and the co-worker was way out of line with his comments.
posted by akk2014 at 8:03 AM on February 4


there's not a single thing that OP has described that hasn't been a normalized set of behaviors for affluent white men

...who are, in aggregate, the most entitled group on the planet.

Some of them might even be entitled enough to run the old every-accusation-a-confession spurious grievance play against a co-worker whose avoided busywork they've ended up lumbered with themselves.
posted by flabdablet at 8:04 AM on February 4 [15 favorites]


"Entitled" means that you believe, incorrectly according to someone, that you should have some particular thing as a matter of course because of who you are.

So, you could be called entitled if you think that being human entitles you to human rights, but someone else thinks that people who look like you shouldn't have human rights.

You could be called entitled if you think you should be able to get other people to do all your cooking and cleaning, but someone else thinks that only men should get to do that.

You might also be called entitled if you think it's just normal and expected for someone like you to be indescribably wealthy and exempt from doing anything unpleasant, but someone else thinks that this is unfair.

If you understand that your wealth is a huge privilege, and you're respectful of the fact that your colleagues are (likely) spending most of their income on housing and therefore can't afford to just pay their way out of whatever hard times they encounter, then you're probably OK.

If you give off the impression that you think you're better than everyone else because of your wealth, then you're lucky someone has pointed this out to you so you can reflect on it.
posted by quacks like a duck at 8:10 AM on February 4 [2 favorites]


As someone who has worked in a billable role for decades, it's is a totally normal conversation to have at work about "is this the best use of X's time?" given their bill rate and pay. You want to give busywork to the lowest-paid and if applicable lowest bill rate staff, unless it's just a customer who doesn't care/notice if they get billed $200/hr to enter data in a spreadsheet or whatever. (Mine always notice.) Especially if it would put you behind on work appropriate to your own role and responsibilities.

And it doesn't have a good goddamn to do with whether you have a housekeeper. You didn't make your Uber driver do your work. This dude was out of line.

The fact of the matter appears to be that you are a disabled woman with the money to pay for assistance. Are you an asshole about it? It doesn't really sound like it to me. I'm entirely in agreement with you that expecting a partner to take up your slack for free is a worse choice than paying for the help you need.

Are you privileged that you can do that? Sure. Many can't. But you can. Not only can you afford to obtain those services, you're putting that money in people's pockets. Some random white dude at your company, and half of AskMe, can be mad at you for not grinding yourself to powder trying to do things you feel are too great a stretch for you, but it doesn't obligate you to do so and it does not actually make you a bad person.

But because people can be like this, I'd recommend some discretion in who knows all the details. For one thing, a single young woman with money is a target for exploitation, but also some people are just super judgey and it's not actually their business. It probably gets read as bragging because you don't preface every reference to that as "because I am unable to handle that task myself" and just generally apologizing for being a disabled woman in the world.

That man is not your friend.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:35 AM on February 4 [18 favorites]


I'm pretty classist and you sound rich and I am generally as unkind to rich people as I can get away with when I encounter them in real life. Entitlement often seems like a good barb to some subset of richies who make themselves seem vulnerable to that criticism, by my view, because they know they are and are wanting to not feel guilty about it. Others have dehumanised themselves enough to no longer think about their undeserved imbalance of wealth. People with a lot of money believe they deserve to have more and nicer things, or to pay to avoid doing things they don't want to do. They do not deserve that, they do not deserve the money they have. Nobody does, money isn't distributed like that, never has been. Because you have money, you can do those things, because we live in a sick sad world where money is your power, but you don't deserve them and acting like you do because you can afford to should ruffle feathers and draw ire. People cannot have too much money without having ripped too much away from many others somewhere along the chain, whether it was you, your parents, or further back down the line.
posted by GoblinHoney at 9:13 AM on February 4 [5 favorites]


It’s just little differences like taking the whole of the last pastry rather than cutting it in half to share, or automatically going for the front passenger seat in a group getting in to a car, taking a long hot shower when a friend is visiting (rather than thinking about how much needs to be saved in the hot water tank).

Only child here: usually you have nobody else to share the last pastry with, or it's just you and the driver in a car usually (though if Mom and Dad are both in the car, kid's in the back!) or there's few people in the house to make the water run out in the tank. You don't have to think "How do I account for my three siblings?" every day, no, but there's reasons for that. (That said, I don't care about sitting shotgun whatsoever, don't love pastries and take short showers, har.)

I don't know on entitled, but it is a privilege to be able to pay others to do the things you don't want to do. Almost all of us do not have the option to do that and never will. I think that's probably what the person was referring to. Almost all of us have to suck it up and make our own shitty dinners and unclog our own toilets, and that you don't have to do that is a different mindset for you.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:18 AM on February 4 [2 favorites]


This could just be a “read the room” situation. If you’re someone who frequently talks about how good/easy things are for you, especially these days, that could be what your friend is referring to. It depends on if you trust your friend.
posted by girlmightlive at 9:26 AM on February 4 [3 favorites]


This question is really interesting and after reading some insightful answers here I think the OP and many of us missed the most important aspect of this.

Whether or not you are entitled is a matter of opinion. But I strongly agree that your friend is trying (perhaps ineffectively) to communicating something of value to you. You are being perceived as entitled by your coworkers and that could have a cost to you. You may be unfamiliar with that cost as someone who may be able to use money to avoid precarity, but having mostly good relations with coworkers, occasionally being the one to do the shit work, has lots of benefits. Social reciprocity builds strong ties that have payoffs you can't predict.

Something to consider.
posted by latkes at 9:33 AM on February 4 [21 favorites]


The "I don't know how to use a mop" thing is giving me shades of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie on "The Simple Life," going out and about and living as regular people do and showing themselves to be fairly incompetent at a lot of the things the average person has to do or consider, but having the resources to laugh about their predicaments knowing that they'll never actually have to work a minimum wage job, mop a floor, unclog a toilet, or whatever. It's one thing to just not do these things in your life if it makes sense not to, but it's a different thing to express yourself as too precious to do these things (trust me, everyone has a strong reaction to a clogged toilet) or uniquely unable to figure them out. To be clear, I am not saying you personally laugh about this stuff and flaunt it, but the way you talk about it is just enough to have made this show pop into my head.

>I don't expect other people to clean up after me for free. I pay them market rates in a fair transaction. How can that mean I'm entitled?

You may pay them market rates, and I hope you tip well. But you are also on the advantage/receiving end of the advantages of wealth disparity in the world. People are willing to do menial tasks for you because they have to, in order to get by. You feel entitled to them doing all the gross stuff, because you have money. So there is an entitlement inherent in not wanting to do the basic stuff of your own life, and benefitting from others in more precarious situations who you can pay to do that for you.

And I'm not crucifying you - it is not abnormal to outsource many of these tasks and it may be extra important for you as a mental health management tool and that is okay! But there can be a way of speaking and communicating and acting around these issues that is sort of the normal, routine, socially aware level of "humble" and then there's an entitled, spoiled, precious way of talking about it. I don't know which way you communicate about it, but your friend thinks it's more in the latter way. So it might be worthwhile to consider how your words and behavior are landing with people. You might consider it and come out the other side and decide that your friend was speaking out of jealousy or something, and that could be true. But I think it's worth your time on really thinking about it, maybe talking to other close friends and asking them for an honest assessment. We can ALL stand to grow as people.
posted by fennario at 10:04 AM on February 4 [8 favorites]


There is a lot of missing context here, but gloating about avoiding work that someone in your office presumably needs to do would not read positively to me. Entitled is how I’d describe that, if I chose to be uncharitable. I don’t think you need to continue a friendship with someone who chooses to treat you uncharitably.

I consider not teaching able children the basic tasks needed for adulthood to be abusive, so I see your description of your home life as sad, but not entitled, unless you gloat about your lack of skills.
posted by tchemgrrl at 10:06 AM on February 4 [4 favorites]


My guess is that it's not about what you do or have, it's the fact that you're talking about it infront of people who don't have your options. People hate that.

Askamanager has frequent letters about people who talk about their house buying woes infront of coworkers who barely make the rent, or who work for fun at a charity and wear designer bags infront of people who could never afford them and have to live on the meager salary. Not nasty, just clueless.

The busywork example sounds similar in that he may not have your clout and is resentful of your basically gloating about it. I think it would be generally more diplomatic to enjoy things like that in private until you know your coworkers are on the same page.

This guy is obviously not your audience. The question is, what about your other coworkers? Maybe take a moment to consider what your interactions with them have been like.
posted by Omnomnom at 10:13 AM on February 4 [5 favorites]


A lot of people had bad childhoods. Most of them don’t grow up to take taxis to and fro their free house.

However, this older man is not approaching you from a place of kindness. He doesn’t have your best interests at heart; this is not someone you should be confiding in on a daily basis from work and it might be better for you to have a more distant relationship with him.

By the way, there’s nothing wrong with hiring people to do the driving and the cooking and the cleaning. Ask tends to get puritanical, especially about cooking, even though there’s quite a few people here who hire cleaners.
posted by betweenthebars at 10:22 AM on February 4 [2 favorites]


Mod note: From the OP:
Thanks everyone for your insights. I just want to add clarifications to some topics that have come up a number of times:

- I do not work with this person that I was texting. He is not a coworker or anyone I'm connected to, professionally.
- I was not publicly gleeful at the interaction that happened at work, I privately texted a friend to tell him about my day and that was part of the update. I'm not sure where the busywork got assigned in the end, but this was after I was given a huge project to work on by the grandboss that my boss was aware of.
- I do not live in the United States. There is no tipping culture where I live but I always leave extra money with the people who help me. When they come to my house, I order extra food so they won't turn it down since it's already there. If they don't eat it then I bring it to the guy living outside my office building.
- I didn't think my entire history was relevant to the question at hand, but it appears that it is... So here goes: I've also had cancer three times and survived suicide a handful of times. I didn't have much of a father growing up, and my Pageant Mum never asked (or taught) me to do housework because she was being beaten (verbally, sometimes physically) or recovering from that. By the time I became 18, I was mentally and physically spent from the recurrent cancer and a laundry list of mental illnesses.

I don't know how to do stuff. I really don't, because I never really had a family or anyone to teach me, and because I've spent the majority of my life figuring things out by myself, I just don't want to anymore. I am not trying to make myself the victim here, but, when you have cancer three times, you realise you don't have much time left.

Between trying to keep myself alive and working full time and volunteering in the animal shelter and looking after my own menagerie at home, I know I am privileged to be able to afford to get someone else to deal with the shitty stuff.

A lot that I need to process with my therapist. Even though a lot of it was hard to hear, thank you.
posted by travelingthyme (staff) at 11:08 AM on February 4 [5 favorites]


I understand why you included your health history here, since it is absolutely relevant to the amount of energy and time you feel you have available to you. But, just as a note...a lot of people have a history like yours but none of the resources you have. Way more people than you think. They also had nobody to teach them anything, they also have a finite number of precious breaths upon this earth, and they have no choice but to spend those breaths learning it.

You have a choice. I don't begrudge you that choice for a second, but the truth of it is that some people will. And I would reiterate that while there is nothing at all wrong with you using your resources as you see fit, you are still responsible for doing so mindfully (which it sounds like you do), and for engaging mindfully with others who do not have those resources (which it sounds like maybe you could work on).

And while above I noted that you're not a baby anymore, it doesn't mean you're expected to be A Super Perfect Adult In All Respects at 28 either. You have been forced by your circumstances to be extremely self-focused for your whole life, just to persist. And you've done amazing! Now, with your income and, it sounds like, a lot of stability, is an excellent time to start cultivating a sense of other-focus.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:44 AM on February 4 [12 favorites]


Entitled is "believing oneself to be inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment." It sounds from your description that you don't believe you deserve privileges, but you (like most people) leverage your funds to get privileges - like using funds to pay for a house cleaner and who doesn't want a free house? Sounds also from the abuse you experienced that there was a sense from those around you that you didn't deserve basic things like safety and security. Your strong reaction to your friend's remark makes me think that this is getting all mixed up in your head, whereas someone without your background could have responded with "okay..." or "that's nice." I think you've identified some therapy territory to chat about what you do deserve, which is respect.
posted by Toddles at 12:03 PM on February 4 [1 favorite]


I agree that he could have better described what he perceived, by using the term privileged rather than entitled. Entitled is refusing to do work that you feel is beneath you. You were ready and willing to do what you were asked at the office. You pay for domestic help because you don't feel competent and/or don't like doing it and because you can -- but, crucially, I didn't hear you say that cleaning is only for lesser people, or beneath your dignity. He is jealous of your privilege, but by the evidence you've provided, he was wrong to label that as entitled.

I do not hear entitled from you. If you are employing someone fairly for doing housework, keep on keeping on. That's a fair labor exchange and is no one else's business.

I am also perceiving a bit of a "you're not performing femininity" penalty. Many men expect women to do laundry and cook and clean just ... because they're women. Note that they don't expect the same of men. Many men will penalize and criticize women who don't perform those chores (for whatever reason), and their core problem isn't the chores or any attitude towards them, it's that you're not fulfilling their expectations of women, regardless of how money flows. I feel like his need to put you in your place is related to his expectations of you as a woman. You alone can evaluate whether this is a fair judgement or not.
posted by Dashy at 12:12 PM on February 4 [2 favorites]


employing help is not entitled or irresponsible. I have been paid to clean many a house, cook many a meal and plunge many a toilet. I have never thought anyone who was paying me to perform this labour was entitled. entitled? entitled would be telling me to quickly plunge your toilet for free when I dropped off your groceries, employing someone to plunge your toilet is just.. A job. an exchange for your stored labour-value (money) for my current labour (plunging). keep hiring service workers. hire us directly if you can and try to cut out the evil billionaires, but they're the ones doing the evil, not the clients. I like cleaning houses. I'd rather clean the house of someone managing a distribution network than manage a distribution network. managing and maintaining a house is a huge responsibility, people rarely do it alone while working full time. if this is what your friend is referring to than he's simply incorrect and probably is actually the entitled one who is receiving someone's quiet household labour without noticing. you're seeing the work and compensating someone to do it.
posted by euphoria066 at 12:27 PM on February 4 [7 favorites]


One check would be what you mean by ‘fairly affluent’. If fairly affluent means having a summer house in the hamptons and 75k private high school and a 100k a year college and riding horses, then you aren’t “fairly affluent” you’re rich as fuck.

(Translate this to whatever non US context)

Also i initially thought your friend was a co worker, turns out he’s not, and also turns out that he’s not much of a friend either.

Also thanks for paying people to plunge your toilet. That’s what many of us were raised on! And it’s fine!
posted by MisantropicPainforest at 12:30 PM on February 4 [1 favorite]


Answering the question - yes, probably a bit. you can improve, as can we all.
posted by Sebmojo at 1:19 PM on February 4


I had a whole answer and abandoned it, but I agree that while this person may have expressed themselves a little poorly (though they knew it would be insulting and said it anyway, itself a hallmark of entitlement and paternalism)... they are perhaps picking up something you don't know you're laying down, and that is worth looking closer at - as you say, with your therapist and perhaps with that person.

I would also like to say that this question has acted like giant Rorschach test for the MeFi community. I have seen a lot of eyebrow-raising answers, making a lot of assumptions, and bringing a lot of their own baggage to the conversation! I realize this has devolved into chatfilter at this point but wow!
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 1:28 PM on February 4 [5 favorites]


To me, it's how one talks about it.
With few exceptions, if someone talks to me about their privilege, it comes across as entitlement (in a negative way).

If someone pays people to clean their house, do their laundry, unclog their toilets, drive them places, etc, fine. But I'm not sure I want to hear about it.
posted by kidbritish at 1:32 PM on February 4 [1 favorite]


I need to add that entitled is also defined by: I deserve to have this scut work done for me (or, I deserve to skip busywork) not because of efficiency or experience, but simply because I am a superior being and/or in an elite position.

This attitude sometimes takes the form of underpaying for fair labor, because the entitled person doesn't think they need to or should have to pay for it, it should just be done for them as a matter of course. Whereas a privileged person still respects others' time and labor, and recognizes the need for fair compensation. Maybe that will help distinguish between entitlement and privilege.
posted by Dashy at 2:12 PM on February 4 [1 favorite]


Let me be a dissenting voice to the "don't talk about it" crowd: please do talk about it.

The societal burden to "do it all!!!" is damaging, particularly to women. Wow, look at her, she's got it all together! Her home is lovely, she's great at her career, etc, how does she do it!?! Lolloll I fucking don't! 😅

We all have things that we're good at and things that we're not good at. I've got a LOT of my shit together and I'm in a privileged enough spot to enjoy it. But I've also decided I don't want to spend the money on paying for distasteful tasks to get done, which is why a dog hair tumbleweed just rolled past my office door and I've got a huge heap of unfolded laundry by my bed.

I think it's useful for everyone to be on the same page about how much WORK goes into the everyday basics of keeping ourselves alive. Please talk about it. If you present as someone who has their shit together and are only able to achieve that state because you're investing money in maintaining that? I think it's fine to be open about it, if you're comfortable sharing.

People can feel their feelings about anything they want. I'd rather someone be mad about something true than think they're not meeting some arbitrary standard because their life doesn't look like mine. Does that make sense? I hope so. See synonyms at: plastic surgery procedures, mental health medication, family who can provide "free" childcare...
posted by phunniemee at 2:30 PM on February 4 [7 favorites]


As someone who has worked in a billable role for decades, it's is a totally normal conversation to have at work about "is this the best use of X's time?" given their bill rate and pay.

I came to say what Lyn Never said above. To me, there are two separate issues going on here. In almost every job I've had, there has been a disproportionate expectation for women to take on a disproportionate amount of busywork, "glue work," or whatever you want to call those necessary but unexciting tasks that aren't in anybody's job description but still need to get done, and to do it with a smile to avoid inconveniencing others. Your boss's boss called out your manager for not having a better plan to get these things done without wasting costly resources, i.e. your time, and that's between them. If, as I suspect, the men in your office are rarely asked to do things like that, I would have been similarly pleased to see that shot down and might well have shared my thoughts with a friend. I don't think that gives "entitled" vibes at all.

The fact that he chose this as occasion to call you entitled tells me he's just a garden-variety misogynist. The expectation that women, especially young ones, will not know their value in the workplace and will smooth things over for others is one of the key tenets of misogyny. Another one is that a woman's resources are not really her own, but rather something that should be dedicated to others or at least available to them as a resource. How dare you use your money to make your own life easier? How selfish! [/s.] You're never going to convince such people that you are justified in doing that, because taking care of yourself means you're not helping them or putting their needs first.

That said, it does sound like you have economic advantages beyond those of most people, and that can cause jealousy. I recommend being more careful about sharing the details of your life, including things like how you got your house and who cleans it and why. (For example, saying that you are incapable of mopping or unclogging a toilet can come across as a kind of humblebrag. You don't need to be incapable to choose to pay to get something done rather than doing it yourself.) You are certainly not doing anything wrong by living the way you do, but being open about it with the wrong people can lead to all kinds of bad feeling. It's nobody's business and practicing some discernment in who you tell about your life is a form of self-care.
posted by rpfields at 2:49 PM on February 4 [9 favorites]


I think what's at question is why your friend decided to give you this observation. Was he trying to help you or was he scolding you? It sounds like he was scolding you, from your example. But maybe it just comes across that way because you felt scolded.

If you think he was offering you something about your behavior that might be helpful to you, I would take it in the spirit it was given.

If you think he was scolding you because he felt like you needed correction... I don't accept that type of behavior from my friends, I have to deal with it enough from my enemies.
posted by pazazygeek at 3:04 PM on February 4 [4 favorites]


If you present as someone who has their shit together and are only able to achieve that state because you're investing money in maintaining that? I think it's fine to be open about it, if you're comfortable sharing.

Years of experience on this very site have shown that a lot of people are incapable of empathizing with those in a higher economic class (and often in lower ones). They just don’t relate.

I would be very careful before opening up to anyone. You are definitely not guaranteed a warm welcome.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:23 PM on February 4 [4 favorites]


It sounds like you’re doing the best with the cards you were dealt. At the same time given that you are spending money to outsource simultaneously so many of the things that many grown people take responsibility for on a daily basis, and your friend seems to know this, I’m not surprised he felt this way, although I am surprised he wouldn’t keep his opinion to himself.

I wonder how you feel about yourself. Do you wish you knew how to cook? Do you wish you had the patience for doing laundry or were more capable when it came to daily living sorts of tasks? If this describes how you feel, YouTube is a really great resource for how-to videos, and your local library may have cookbooks you can borrow so you can find what style of cookbook works for you. At the same time, if you don’t feel like you want to learn these skills, that’s ok too! Not everyone needs to be Martha Stewart. You’re really lucky to be able to afford to outsource these things. That said, I’m putting in my vote for keep trying these skills; you never know when fortunes change and it can feel really good to become capable with life skills.

Your friendship might heal, but now you know this particular friend is not really the best one for talking about lucky things or privilege.
posted by donut_princess at 5:44 PM on February 4 [3 favorites]


I will just point out that many many times in my life men have felt compelled to tell me that I don’t deserve what I have. To put me in my place. You might say they feel *entitled* to do it. Regardless of how privileged you are, I would consider the sentiment behind your friend’s comment. It sounds like he was trying to put you in your place. Which is not a good move, for a true friend.
posted by Ollie at 8:52 PM on February 4 [12 favorites]


I'm a man agreeing with others who suggest you be careful with this friend

Life is short, just get what you can out of each moment and don't hurt others. Be kind when possible. Simple.
posted by ginger.beef at 8:57 PM on February 4 [1 favorite]


Some people will relentlessly throw shade on white women because it’s a perfectly acceptable way to diminish a woman.

What does being white have to do with any of this? Where in the question does the OP say they are white?
posted by oneirodynia at 10:58 PM on February 4 [5 favorites]


I have whiplash from this thread

Whether you’re privileged in some ways or not — and it’s both (like most of us) — this friend acted like an ass. He not only projected his personal frustrations onto you but considered himself righteous and justified for doing it.

So what, you were spared some grunt work and felt lucky. Ok, the big boss demonstrated his belief in your ability. I’d be sharing that moment with a friend I trusted, too. Why not? If said friend used that moment of vulnerability — because sharing pride and satisfaction about that obviously isn’t what you’d do in less intimate situations — to launch into an actual case with multiple lines of evidence for my being this or that, I wouldn’t be talking to him either.

But yeah he’s probably not doing as well at his job and is envious. Maybe it was an especially bad day for him.

Granted, the world is reeling with insecurity and instability, and people with nominally middle class jobs are struggling financially. I’ve never seen things this bad.

So, I think it’s fair to anticipate resentment around stuff other people can’t afford, maybe share less about that or consider the situations of the people you’re sharing it with. (Can’t always guess, of course. And sometimes we just want to say things.)

For you to overcome growing up amongst severe mental illness and abuse, after having had cancer three times, to not only have I suppose a career job at 28 in this economy but excel at it, I think says something about your resilience, persistence, and intelligence. True, many people experience these adverse events without the buttress of money, but people with money can find themselves overcome by a history like that, too.

Is this friend a judgy hardass with you or other people all the time? Or was this a one-off? What else is going on with him? If you generally trust him (and he’s not usually a hardass), and want to talk to him, be assertive and clear about how this exchange affected you, and try to stay open to what he has to say about his own situation.
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:22 PM on February 4 [4 favorites]


A lot of comments here are based around the different connotations of "entitled" and "privileged".

On some dimensions (e.g financially), OP has privilege. On some others (e.g gender), OP's friend has privilege. Obvs we often normalise our own specific privilege, and stop noticing it. But, other people's privilege might still seem quite obvious.

So my theory about usage of "entitled" vs "privileged" is going to be this: by "you are entitled", OP's friend meant "i perceive you to be privileged in a way that i am not" (and maybe further, depending on tone: "that is a Bad Thing, and you should Be Careful")

Does OP's friend have the right to say such things? Well, it depends. Just possessing this or that degree of privilege doesn't (IMO) have any direct ethical consequences. It's just a feature of the universe, that certain finite goods were distributed in this or that way. The ethical consquences come from what any of us will _do_ with our privilege, having received it. We could put it to practical & socially beneficial use (that's great work that you're doing over there at the animal shelter, OP!), or we could breeze around heedlessly flaunting our good fortune in the faces of others - which would be a dick move, and a good friend might well step in to discourage that.

So... if OP's friend delivered a timely & gentle reminder that we should be aware of how & to whom we disclose our privilege, then good on him & there may be a lesson to learn in there. If, though, OP's friend had been festering with resentment that finally burst in an ill-judged personal remark, then he's out of line & OP is well advised to pull back a bit from that friendship.

Don't think we can tell which of those is the case from here, but OP will know.
posted by rd45 at 3:29 AM on February 5 [3 favorites]


This is very silly and dumb. Your friend feels threatened by you (not a small chance there’s some sexist entitlement there on his end). Women are “supposed to” suck it up and do not only their own busywork but everyone else’s, too.

Most people will find a way to make other people do stuff for them to the extent that they can afford it. (Yes, they will get jealous and be mean when they perceive that someone can afford more of this than they can.) I’m an American and there are seemingly thousands and thousands of us on social media arguing that we have to by sweatshop goods from SHEIN because it’s classist if the poor in America can’t afford fast fashion. In the next breath they attack an influencer for buying a designer purse because it’s “entitled.”

Living in line with your means is not entitled. It’s what happens when your means are taken away, or the good and services that you’re used to are taken away. As in, did you act like an asshole who deserves goods and services more than others when the pandemic disrupted the supply chain? If your cleaner was sick and couldn’t come for a week, would you be pissed? Or do what you need to do in the meantime?

Anyway, I really don’t think this is an appropriate thing for your friend to say and while women can certainly be entitled, men calling out women for their “entitlement” is more often than not based on a frail male ego. (Not always! But I wouldn’t put up with it. Mediocre man syndrome.)
posted by stoneandstar at 12:19 PM on February 5 [4 favorites]


Memail please
posted by uans at 12:19 PM on February 5


Mental exercise— how often are men called out for the entitlement of relying on women to clean up after them and care for their children? Women SHOULD cook and mop while they play video games because they had a hard day at work, right?

So you’re a woman who doesn’t want to cook and mop. Who cares? If you were a man, statistically you’d just get a wife and treat her like shit instead of hiring someone.

So, how often are men called out for that? Not as much as women are called out for expecting respect in the workplace, I would guess.

You’re using your resources (money) to escape some of the indignities of modern (female) life. Not everyone can and they might not feel positively toward you. But this isn’t really a moral truth, it’s a social reality. (Again, look at the way Americans decided in our last election to rain down shit on people who have even less, because they are angry at the people who have more. Human psychology isn’t inherently virtuous.)
posted by stoneandstar at 12:24 PM on February 5 [4 favorites]


Honestly, I think the gendered way of talking about a 28 year old man who didn't know how to cook or clean and paid for all these services would probably be to call him a man-child or Peter Pan or boy. There might be a gendered element, but I do hear men called entitled (like, I hear boomer men referred to as entitled regularly).
posted by bluedaisy at 12:29 PM on February 5 [6 favorites]


You hear it where? From their female friends, to their faces? Or in feminist spaces online?
posted by stoneandstar at 12:30 PM on February 5


There is a huge disconnect between what you told your so-called “friend” and his reply. It is a total non-sequiter. So either he resents you for having what you have —and/or —he feels that your financial independence makes you even less sexually available to him. Certainly he is not your friend.

You have not done anything wrong.

The large number of hostile replies you’ve received are based on (understandable) resentment of your *financial* security. It doesn’t matter how other people think you should be living your life after 3 rounds of cancer. Not one of them would trade places with you. And not one of them will give you a pass, even so. That’s just human nature. Jealousy and envy dominate us all.

Just learn from this that you have to keep your financial privilege as much to yourself as possible, until you get to know that person extremely well. No one needs to know that you aren’t doing your own cleaning, much less that the house was a gift. Tact kept you from telling us what you have gone through. Use the same tact when telling people what you have.

I hope you have a long life and find many true friends.
posted by uans at 4:58 PM on February 5 [3 favorites]


1. No, you're not entitled. Sounds like you (and your boss) are managing your personal and professional resources as wisely as you can.
2. He's not really your friend, and may be suffering from a one-sided attraction, to you or just.. in general.
posted by Coaticass at 11:10 PM on February 5


I don't know if you're entitled or not, but having this conversation via text is almost certainly part of the problem. Do you like this person? Then talk to them ideally in person or at least on the phone, tell them they hurt your feelings with their comments, and give them a chance to apologize.
But, beware of the instinct that says "I had a hard childhood so I can't be entitled." Or frankly even the knee jerk "he's a man and I'm a woman so what does he know." You had a hard childhood, you also have privilege, and you could be entitled. He's a man and might be a sexist idiot, but again, he might not. It's good to stick up for yourself and not allow others to mistreat you, but not every slight or bad feeling is mistreatment. The most important thing is really, is this person generally kind to you? Do they mostly make you feel good and happy, or do they regularly cause you to doubt yourself? That is the most important criteria to apply when someone tells you something that makes you feel bad: whatever their gender, race, position in society in relation to you, if they are someone you know, you have to look beyond the immediate feeling to the pattern of interactions. Because a man can still be telling you the truth, even though many are just being sexist. They could be saying something in good faith and also be wrong in what they're saying. Becoming a kind, thoughtful, confident adult means navigating all of these circumstances and doing your best to handle them with grace.
posted by ch1x0r at 6:15 AM on February 6 [2 favorites]


Based on your post and update, I feel like I’m seeing something a little different than entitlement. You do come off as pretty defensive in terms of “I need and deserve to have people help me with chores because my life has been hard.”

What I see here is you not being able to mentally deal with how horrifying it is that - as some people have said - there are lots of people who have had the same hardships as you but are forced to do these things themselves anyway.

I’m coming at this as someone like you, who is very privileged in some ways but had a difficult childhood in other ways. I found that my brain would rebel against the idea that anyone could have had a harder life (although intellectually, I knew that was the case) because mine was so unpleasant to think about I didn’t want to imagine something worse.
posted by wheatlets at 8:32 AM on February 6 [1 favorite]


You seem to have privilege - you were given a house, you were given a lot as a child, you can pay people to do tasks you don't want to do. You're female, which is a lower status group, but sound educated(privileged), you may be white(privileged). Entitlement is thinking that you somehow deserve your privilege, rather than being lucky. You have justifications for paying people to do unpleasant tasks, but many people avoid unpleasantness by using money. I do not change the oil in my car, for instance, because I can afford to have someone else do it and I dislike the task.

It's popular right now for people to feel okay calling out other people for all sorts of things. I find it mean, petty and unproductive. In your case, I find it inaccurate; your co-worker conflated entitlement and privilege.

Do you treat the people you pay with respect? Do they have fair pay, benefits, good, safe working conditions? Those things are required. A living wage for self-employed workers is about twice that of employed workers, to cover benefits, costs, travel time, vacation time, etc.

The next question is: What Next? I think it would be a good thing to ask the co-worker to have coffee or a drink, and ask them to chat. Maybe show them this thread.

I suspect you are not an assertive person, and that makes it easy people to pick on you. I recommend working on that.
posted by theora55 at 1:57 PM on February 6


« Older renew my US passport, at this time of year, in...   |   How Important Is Roof Overhang? Newer »

You are not logged in, either login or create an account to post comments