How to be tired and pleasant?
February 1, 2025 12:17 AM Subscribe
When I overdo it or get too tired, I get cranky and unreasonable, not unlike your average toddler. I've met plenty of people who are capable of being depleted, worn out, tired, etc but able to stay in a good mood. What skill am I missing, and where and when did everyone else learn it?
I think I'm like that and it comes from keeping a firm grip on myself, so much so that sometimes I lose access to my emotions because I'm so keen not to inflict them on others. I guess what I'm saying is, it can be done, but at some cost. I think it's probably more important to be aware of when you're acting up because of tiredness or having overdone it, and apologising afterwards.
posted by altolinguistic at 2:40 AM on February 1 [3 favorites]
posted by altolinguistic at 2:40 AM on February 1 [3 favorites]
I struggle with this. When I'm tired (more mentally than physically, but either), burnt out, overstimulated or my social batter is dead I get pretty irritable and if I'm not careful, nasty. Until the last year or two, I have had very little personal read on my 'battery' on this stuff and very little awareness of when it was coming.
My husband, over time, convinced me into taking 5-10 minute breaks here or there several times a day. I have found that taking more breaks helps. Sounds like an obvious and meaningless answer to the point of being facile, but since I could not necessarily tell when I needed a break, it was not easy.
By forcing myself to take some breaks even when I couldn't feel that I needed one, I began to learn to better notice the signs of when I needed one. I truly did not believe that if, say, I had a long busy Saturday full of errands and non-desirable socialization (say chit-chat with other parents at a kid event) and housecleaning, that a 5 or 10 minute break here or there would help. Really, truly, I was like, no I am going to hate taking short breaks, it's not going to help, it just means it'll take longer to do what I have to do on a given day, and less downtime later. I would want to run it like a marathon and then appreciate the joy of being done. But by the time I was done, I was an irritable mess who could not enjoy being done. But .... I was wrong.
A break can be sitting down and playing a game on my phone, reading for a few minutes. In a pinch it can be a quick break to close my eyes, drop my shoulders, chug some cold water and stretch. It can be watching a quick video. It can be snuggling with a cat. It can be taking a quick walk with some music or an audiobook. It can be putting down my work-work and staring at the internet IF I DO NOT DOOMSCROLL and I do something more pleasant. If I am like out with my kid all day and worn out, it can be 10 mins in the car where I say "Hey bud, I need a brain and voice break, I'm going to put something on to listen to that relaxes me and ask for a pause in our conversation. Love you and we can talk again soon." Anywhere from 1 min to 30 mins, but over time I learned to feel what I needed and balance it with what was possible.
My husband, kid, animals and therapist will all tell you this has made a huge difference. To me, it's one of those things like "recognizing my inner child had a need or fear that didn't get helped, but I am taking care of that inner child and giving her a hug." It sounds silly and like I wouldn't help but when I open my mind and try it, okay, I begrudgingly admit it does. "Take breaks!" everyone says, and so I'm here to say the same dumb thing but, yeah. That is in fact what solved this for me and I had a VERY big problem with it.
posted by fennario at 4:51 AM on February 1 [26 favorites]
My husband, over time, convinced me into taking 5-10 minute breaks here or there several times a day. I have found that taking more breaks helps. Sounds like an obvious and meaningless answer to the point of being facile, but since I could not necessarily tell when I needed a break, it was not easy.
By forcing myself to take some breaks even when I couldn't feel that I needed one, I began to learn to better notice the signs of when I needed one. I truly did not believe that if, say, I had a long busy Saturday full of errands and non-desirable socialization (say chit-chat with other parents at a kid event) and housecleaning, that a 5 or 10 minute break here or there would help. Really, truly, I was like, no I am going to hate taking short breaks, it's not going to help, it just means it'll take longer to do what I have to do on a given day, and less downtime later. I would want to run it like a marathon and then appreciate the joy of being done. But by the time I was done, I was an irritable mess who could not enjoy being done. But .... I was wrong.
A break can be sitting down and playing a game on my phone, reading for a few minutes. In a pinch it can be a quick break to close my eyes, drop my shoulders, chug some cold water and stretch. It can be watching a quick video. It can be snuggling with a cat. It can be taking a quick walk with some music or an audiobook. It can be putting down my work-work and staring at the internet IF I DO NOT DOOMSCROLL and I do something more pleasant. If I am like out with my kid all day and worn out, it can be 10 mins in the car where I say "Hey bud, I need a brain and voice break, I'm going to put something on to listen to that relaxes me and ask for a pause in our conversation. Love you and we can talk again soon." Anywhere from 1 min to 30 mins, but over time I learned to feel what I needed and balance it with what was possible.
My husband, kid, animals and therapist will all tell you this has made a huge difference. To me, it's one of those things like "recognizing my inner child had a need or fear that didn't get helped, but I am taking care of that inner child and giving her a hug." It sounds silly and like I wouldn't help but when I open my mind and try it, okay, I begrudgingly admit it does. "Take breaks!" everyone says, and so I'm here to say the same dumb thing but, yeah. That is in fact what solved this for me and I had a VERY big problem with it.
posted by fennario at 4:51 AM on February 1 [26 favorites]
I think for me it's mostly habit, and some ingrained sense that you have to put on a social face.
But when that doesn't work, I've found it helpful to keep your "not unlike your average toddler" observation in mind - especially having spent a lot of time with toddlers. When they get cranky and unreasonable, even if I sympathize, it usually looks really silly to me. And when they get tantrums there's often something pretty ridiculous about it. And one way or another, it's generally super entitled and unfair of them; they have no idea how hard things are for the people around them, or the reasons behind the things that make them mad. And it's often ineffective: they're so caught up in their righteous fury or misery that they can't actually express or get what they want, only make everyone else stressed or miserable. So I try to catch myself acting like a toddler, and get the image of the silliness and unfairness of a toddler's tantrum in my head, and see myself as that toddler, and that's often enough to make me think "wait, no". Or at least take some breaths and tone it down. (Maybe it helps that I love the toddlers in question so this doesn't feel like harsh self-criticism - just "me doing this is as silly as them doing that.")
posted by trig at 4:51 AM on February 1 [3 favorites]
But when that doesn't work, I've found it helpful to keep your "not unlike your average toddler" observation in mind - especially having spent a lot of time with toddlers. When they get cranky and unreasonable, even if I sympathize, it usually looks really silly to me. And when they get tantrums there's often something pretty ridiculous about it. And one way or another, it's generally super entitled and unfair of them; they have no idea how hard things are for the people around them, or the reasons behind the things that make them mad. And it's often ineffective: they're so caught up in their righteous fury or misery that they can't actually express or get what they want, only make everyone else stressed or miserable. So I try to catch myself acting like a toddler, and get the image of the silliness and unfairness of a toddler's tantrum in my head, and see myself as that toddler, and that's often enough to make me think "wait, no". Or at least take some breaths and tone it down. (Maybe it helps that I love the toddlers in question so this doesn't feel like harsh self-criticism - just "me doing this is as silly as them doing that.")
posted by trig at 4:51 AM on February 1 [3 favorites]
I am a champion at this (unless I'm super hungry, then I cry and I truly can't help that except by eating) and it's not that I'm in a good mood, it's that I was trained from an early age that I have to be pleasant to be around regardless of how I'm feeling. So, I can be furious/exhausted/done and I can still smile and joke and be polite or whatever is necessary for the situation I'm in. It just takes practice to get good at it, just like any other skill.
And, I will say, as someone who's good at not taking my crankiness/whatever out on others, I work in an environment where a lot of people don't have that skill/norm and it's awful and adds so much stress. So I want to commend you for working on this for yourself. Obviously it's a skill you can take too far (it's ok to be cranky and have needs!) but it really does help improve relationships if you can just say, hey, I'm really cranky and need a break/snack/whatever before you start getting snappy.
posted by snaw at 5:30 AM on February 1 [10 favorites]
And, I will say, as someone who's good at not taking my crankiness/whatever out on others, I work in an environment where a lot of people don't have that skill/norm and it's awful and adds so much stress. So I want to commend you for working on this for yourself. Obviously it's a skill you can take too far (it's ok to be cranky and have needs!) but it really does help improve relationships if you can just say, hey, I'm really cranky and need a break/snack/whatever before you start getting snappy.
posted by snaw at 5:30 AM on February 1 [10 favorites]
I came in to say too, I can do this and it’s absolutely not that I’m actually in a good mood. It is practice and also a kind of bottom line (that takes practice and time) that I don’t let shit roll downhill whenever possible. That’s kind of my mantra on a bad day - don’t let shit roll.
Techniques I use are: when I feel myself getting tense I go run up and down the stairs, go in the bathroom for some deep breaths, I have tea flavours at work and home that are favourites and I make one, I sing in the car if I’m driving stressed or tired, I listen to movie soundtracks on days I feel I am wobbly, and so on.
Basically, though, the first step is awareness. Some people do a meditation every day; that doesn’t work for me but I do do a few stretches when I get up and check in. This week on Thursday we had to deal with a tough situation and I didn’t sleep well, and my day yesterday was packed so I put on my owl necklace (“seek wisdom”) and I made sure to check in. I also talked too much and missed a copy error so like, it is not bliss, but I had no moment close to melting down.
I truly believe though the first step is resolving within yourself that it’s really not ok — genuinely — to lose it at other people. That doesn’t mean you’re good at it right away. But you have to really feel it on a core level. It sounds like you are there!
posted by warriorqueen at 5:56 AM on February 1 [5 favorites]
Techniques I use are: when I feel myself getting tense I go run up and down the stairs, go in the bathroom for some deep breaths, I have tea flavours at work and home that are favourites and I make one, I sing in the car if I’m driving stressed or tired, I listen to movie soundtracks on days I feel I am wobbly, and so on.
Basically, though, the first step is awareness. Some people do a meditation every day; that doesn’t work for me but I do do a few stretches when I get up and check in. This week on Thursday we had to deal with a tough situation and I didn’t sleep well, and my day yesterday was packed so I put on my owl necklace (“seek wisdom”) and I made sure to check in. I also talked too much and missed a copy error so like, it is not bliss, but I had no moment close to melting down.
I truly believe though the first step is resolving within yourself that it’s really not ok — genuinely — to lose it at other people. That doesn’t mean you’re good at it right away. But you have to really feel it on a core level. It sounds like you are there!
posted by warriorqueen at 5:56 AM on February 1 [5 favorites]
What skill am I missing,
equanimity
where and when did everyone else learn it?
facing difficulties & recognizing ‘this too shall pass’ [wiki2]
posted by HearHere at 6:10 AM on February 1 [2 favorites]
equanimity
where and when did everyone else learn it?
facing difficulties & recognizing ‘this too shall pass’ [wiki2]
posted by HearHere at 6:10 AM on February 1 [2 favorites]
Going back to the question of where and when everyone else learned it....
I was un-learned of it before I could learn it, by parents who assumed the worst (or at least, gave me no benefit of the doubt) if I was caught resting. For example, I was a hardworking kid. By 11, I was "working" at the local children's bookstore in exchange for books because I read so much. By 13, I was helping out at a barn in exchange for extra time riding horses. By 14, I was a CIT and then camp counselor at the same barn. I babysat frequently as a teen. Nevertheless, on the first day of summer break from school one year when I was 16 or 17 my Mom stormed into my bedroom at about 8:30 or 9am, ripped the blankets off of me and told me I could not sit around lazy all summer. One time my Dad had a conniption that I was being disrespectful and lazy because I said yes, I was going to mow the lawn, just going to finish eating this apple first. So guess who learned to Always be Working or moving and never caught sitting down or taking a break, and who learned that you had to do anything and everything before you could rest, that you had to work past the point of exhaustion and burnout? Who learned that people didn't care when you were tired, or exhausted, or whatever, and, bonus, who would snap at or blame a kid when they the parent was tired or burnt out.
Facing difficulties did not help me learn it. Facing difficulties made it worse, because I was taught that 'difficulties' were not an excuse to take a break, check in with myself and meet my needs, either. So guess who was back at work and traveling for work within 2 weeks of the death of a child? And not because work was hurrying me back, work was beyond patient and respectful.
For me, I learned it from someone who loves me and was so patient with me and understood even when I didn't, what was going on, and helped me through it. Someone who didn't take it personally when I did my exhausted-overstimulated-irritable nonsense, but also stood up for it being unreasonable for me to treat people like that. For most people, I think that may be a parent at a young age. For me it was not. I'm not speculating about your childhood experiences and learning, just sharing mine.
posted by fennario at 7:02 AM on February 1 [14 favorites]
I was un-learned of it before I could learn it, by parents who assumed the worst (or at least, gave me no benefit of the doubt) if I was caught resting. For example, I was a hardworking kid. By 11, I was "working" at the local children's bookstore in exchange for books because I read so much. By 13, I was helping out at a barn in exchange for extra time riding horses. By 14, I was a CIT and then camp counselor at the same barn. I babysat frequently as a teen. Nevertheless, on the first day of summer break from school one year when I was 16 or 17 my Mom stormed into my bedroom at about 8:30 or 9am, ripped the blankets off of me and told me I could not sit around lazy all summer. One time my Dad had a conniption that I was being disrespectful and lazy because I said yes, I was going to mow the lawn, just going to finish eating this apple first. So guess who learned to Always be Working or moving and never caught sitting down or taking a break, and who learned that you had to do anything and everything before you could rest, that you had to work past the point of exhaustion and burnout? Who learned that people didn't care when you were tired, or exhausted, or whatever, and, bonus, who would snap at or blame a kid when they the parent was tired or burnt out.
Facing difficulties did not help me learn it. Facing difficulties made it worse, because I was taught that 'difficulties' were not an excuse to take a break, check in with myself and meet my needs, either. So guess who was back at work and traveling for work within 2 weeks of the death of a child? And not because work was hurrying me back, work was beyond patient and respectful.
For me, I learned it from someone who loves me and was so patient with me and understood even when I didn't, what was going on, and helped me through it. Someone who didn't take it personally when I did my exhausted-overstimulated-irritable nonsense, but also stood up for it being unreasonable for me to treat people like that. For most people, I think that may be a parent at a young age. For me it was not. I'm not speculating about your childhood experiences and learning, just sharing mine.
posted by fennario at 7:02 AM on February 1 [14 favorites]
I wouldn’t presume those tired folks are in a good mood, but I would say to focus more on their actions. They’re tired but still treating people kindly? Is that it? It’s possible to be tired, etc and treat others decently. Usually it requires some self-awareness and self-regulation. Do you know you’re cranky and irritable when you are, or do you only realize it later or when someone tells you?
If you only realize it later, or you need someone to tell you, try to work on being more aware of your feelings. You can do this through therapy, mindfulness, meditation, journaling, and maybe other ways. You can also listen to loved ones who tell you.
Understanding yourself and why you are behaving a certain way can help you change that behavior, by dealing with the problem, removing yourself, or realizing it’s temporary.
posted by bluedaisy at 8:19 AM on February 1 [1 favorite]
If you only realize it later, or you need someone to tell you, try to work on being more aware of your feelings. You can do this through therapy, mindfulness, meditation, journaling, and maybe other ways. You can also listen to loved ones who tell you.
Understanding yourself and why you are behaving a certain way can help you change that behavior, by dealing with the problem, removing yourself, or realizing it’s temporary.
posted by bluedaisy at 8:19 AM on February 1 [1 favorite]
I probably learned it from being disgusted at my toddler-like parent and subsequently at toddler-like partners I have had. I find it impossible to respect people who can't keep it together, so I think it's just a matter of self-respect for me. The people I like best are the ones who have a magical quality of coping with stressful, unpleasant situations with equanimity and good humor and making everything better for other people in the process, and I try like hell to be like them. It doesn't necessarily come naturally because I grew up with the opposite example. But I try.
posted by HotToddy at 8:24 AM on February 1 [4 favorites]
posted by HotToddy at 8:24 AM on February 1 [4 favorites]
I try to cultivate respect. It doesn't matter if I'm in a bad mood, If I'm with others, I try to respect them by not letting that bad mood impinge on them or on what we are doing together. When I'm by myself in a bad mood, I try to respect myself by first acknowledging my feelings, identifying where they came from or what caused them, and then deciding what to do about them. If it's possible to stop and rest or eat, that may be the respectful thing to do for myself. Maybe I have to get something done, and just acknowledgement, identification, and a plan to take care of myself after can help me push through. Usually being tired or hungry won't be helped by having a stroppy fit. Sometimes, like a toddler, I just WANT to have a stroppy fit, and I do, and life goes on. Apologize to others, forgive yourself.
Before you get into a situation of being tired or hungry, respect your body and try to avoid it by planning things out. Eat and sleep when you need to, take a water bottle and a snack with you, plan your time such that there are breaks in your work. Things happen, but don't repeatedly put yourself into positions where you know you'll be stressed.
posted by BlueHorse at 10:25 AM on February 1 [1 favorite]
Before you get into a situation of being tired or hungry, respect your body and try to avoid it by planning things out. Eat and sleep when you need to, take a water bottle and a snack with you, plan your time such that there are breaks in your work. Things happen, but don't repeatedly put yourself into positions where you know you'll be stressed.
posted by BlueHorse at 10:25 AM on February 1 [1 favorite]
Mod note: From the OP:
Thanks for the advice so far. I should clarify a bit more what I mean. I'm not looking for advice on how to fake being outwardly pleasant to others. I'm wondering why, whenever I get tired, I feel like an angry, petulant toddler. It takes a lot of mental effort to remind myself "Things aren't actually this bad, I'm just tired" - and I don't understand why that is.posted by travelingthyme (staff) at 2:00 PM on February 5
I'm not outwardly horrible to others, but they can tell that my thought patterns are more negative, it's harder for me to make decisions, things like that. I've interacted with a lot of people who come home after a long day and are wiped out, but it doesn't seem to make them so miserable. They just want to rest. I'm trying to figure out why it seems to take energy to keep myself in a positive mindset.
I think we're not at the point where anyone truly knows enough about how brains and personalities work to answer that question with anything but speculation.
Still: you could do some experiments.
You could see what happens when you practice different thought patterns for a while; maybe it's true that brains can rewire themselves to make different patterns automatic and default. (I know that for me, some types of reactions to things can definitely become more ingrained if I let them, and certain types of behavioral or emotional styles can rub off on me from other people given enough exposure.)
You could see what happens when you take measures to be more generally rested, recently-fed, physically relaxed, and so on.
You could try to track what effect your overall mood or other factors have on this. Are there times when a long day doesn't do this to you?
You could try different types of therapy, some of which will propose their own answers to your question, which may or may not be true but maybe you'll find an approach that makes a difference for you.
I'll question your premise though, since even when my thought patterns are deeply negative and I'm angry and exhausted, there's a good chance you wouldn't be able to tell and you'll think I'm one of those people who's serene and okay and just wants to rest. I want (deeply, desperately) to rest partly so I can distract or turn off my brain, because it's miserable/exhausted/angry. Sometimes it'll be so I can stop using up energy to put on a good face and just go collapse or scream somewhere. That other people can't see any of that doesn't mean that's not what's going on.
I think people do often react to things differently, but how often, to what extent, how ingrained that is, and whether different exteriors actually correlate with those different interiors isn't clear.
(That said, aside from the effects of overall stress and fatigue, there was also a time when I was on a medication that made me noticeably more angry and impatient inside. So chemistry can also play a role.)
posted by trig at 3:07 PM on February 5 [1 favorite]
Still: you could do some experiments.
You could see what happens when you practice different thought patterns for a while; maybe it's true that brains can rewire themselves to make different patterns automatic and default. (I know that for me, some types of reactions to things can definitely become more ingrained if I let them, and certain types of behavioral or emotional styles can rub off on me from other people given enough exposure.)
You could see what happens when you take measures to be more generally rested, recently-fed, physically relaxed, and so on.
You could try to track what effect your overall mood or other factors have on this. Are there times when a long day doesn't do this to you?
You could try different types of therapy, some of which will propose their own answers to your question, which may or may not be true but maybe you'll find an approach that makes a difference for you.
I'll question your premise though, since even when my thought patterns are deeply negative and I'm angry and exhausted, there's a good chance you wouldn't be able to tell and you'll think I'm one of those people who's serene and okay and just wants to rest. I want (deeply, desperately) to rest partly so I can distract or turn off my brain, because it's miserable/exhausted/angry. Sometimes it'll be so I can stop using up energy to put on a good face and just go collapse or scream somewhere. That other people can't see any of that doesn't mean that's not what's going on.
I think people do often react to things differently, but how often, to what extent, how ingrained that is, and whether different exteriors actually correlate with those different interiors isn't clear.
(That said, aside from the effects of overall stress and fatigue, there was also a time when I was on a medication that made me noticeably more angry and impatient inside. So chemistry can also play a role.)
posted by trig at 3:07 PM on February 5 [1 favorite]
I've interacted with a lot of people who come home after a long day and are wiped out, but it doesn't seem to make them so miserable.
I think the word "seem" is doing a lot of work in this sentence. A lot of people are the same level of miserable as you are when they're the same level of tired you feel, you just might not be able to tell. And you might not "seem" miserable to other people who are observing you; you might be better at hiding it than you think you are.
posted by decathecting at 8:47 PM on February 5 [1 favorite]
I think the word "seem" is doing a lot of work in this sentence. A lot of people are the same level of miserable as you are when they're the same level of tired you feel, you just might not be able to tell. And you might not "seem" miserable to other people who are observing you; you might be better at hiding it than you think you are.
posted by decathecting at 8:47 PM on February 5 [1 favorite]
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