Life & responsibilities: Is my expectation for partnership too high?
January 22, 2025 6:07 AM Subscribe
I’ve been living with my boyfriend for a year now, and we both work full-time. We live in the suburbs with my two dogs, and I handle most of the household chores—cooking, cleaning, shopping, and dog care. He sometimes helps, but not consistently, and it’s difficult for him to take initiative or deal with responsibilities like scheduling appointments. He’s admitted that he feels overwhelmed by all the duties, the dogs, and life in the suburbs, and while he wants to improve, he struggles with motivation and procrastinates, especially around things like driving and working out.
I’d love your opinion on something. I have a boyfriend; I’m in my early 30s, he’s a few years younger. We have an age gap, but we’ve always gotten along well and spent a lot of time together. I am his first relationship. We both work full-time and have been living together for a year. I have two dogs, and we live in an apartment building in the suburbs, smaller city, about 30 min ride from the big city in Europe. That’s all I could afford when I could buy a flat a few years ago; today even that would not be possible :)
I’ve been handling all the household chores—cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry, etc. It wasn’t perfect since I have ADHD and it’s difficult for me to keep places clean, but everything got done sooner or later. He sometimes cleaned the kitchen or walked the dogs and occasionally drove my car reluctantly as he had next to no driving experiences. I wished he’d be a bit more proactive, but he contributed financially, which made life easier. Sometime I asked him to do stuff and suggested it, but it got done sometimes, it didn’t other times. Things like scheduling a doctor’s appointment, hairdresser, dentist and similar are also extremely difficult for him as an introvert.
Apart from him hurting my feelings unintentionally a few times, things were fine more or less, he is good to live with, apart from decrease in intimate life from both sites. I noticed him playing PC games and drinking a lot, even during the workdays. When I asked what was wrong, he said he feels overwhelmed—by the household duties, the dogs, having to wake up early, and planning rides to work from the suburbs without food delivery or Bolt Market. He simply had easier life in the city. He admitted he hates his “laziness” and wants to improve but finds the responsibilities difficult. He wants to „be an adult because that’s what it apparently means“. He was living with parents (he has 3 older siblings) until he rented his own place...and we met shortly after that.
He’s even considering moving to a flat in the city, but he says life with me and the dogs is much more fulfilling. He started working out, though, trying to get his energy level up. He said he loves walking in nature, hikes etc, just like me, only that he can’t get himself to do it.
I am not a perfect partner, I don't think anyone is. But I was upfront about my concerns and need as soon as we moved in. I voiced concern about the age gap, about me being his first relationship, about the fact that I have dog and that means less spontaneous life. He realized I was right to be concerned. I feel sad and uncertain. I am fine my life in the suburbs, trips with my dogs, everything on walking distance. I am a morning person so it’s not an issue for me to get up early. However, I feel like in this case I bring nothing valuable to him—only more responsibilities that could have been avoided if he was single or with someone else. He would only be worse off financially but less burdened in any other aspect. This has caused me to grow more reserved, especially sexually.
In general, we’ve started living like flatmates, with some physical affection, sometimes watching movies together and going to sleep. He no longer drives anywhere due to his phobia, so I no longer bother. I tried being understandable, guiding him, giving him easy roads but he still doesn't feel comfortable about it. For months, there’s been no date or anything like that and I started not even wanting it anymore. I also do full amount of housework now, driving and dog care, as at this point I am too tired and sad to even ask for help. Only sometimes I ask for a quick dog walk.
My expectations were that with partner we have some sort of cooperation in household, so it’s easier for both of us, I wanted a partner that would LOVE dogs and gladly take care of them with me (he does love them but he changed his mind about owning them ; he'd be more comfortable sitting them than owning them. We also took one foster, it was a common decision, but he is still with us, he's older and difficult to adopt and while he's easy going, he burdens my partner a lot a lot. I can understand that and I don't judge. But as I said, I take care of dogs most of the time, as I should. My expectations are also clear and regular communication, intimacy, us vs. problem mindset, building something together and working towards common goals (which seemed to align). We both want to live in a house one day, but my partner is not happy with that "something in between" option - apt building which is not in the city.
What would you expect from a partner, are my expectations too high? Is this what it usually comes to? Do you think this is a solvable situation? It is also my first time to actually live with someone, so I can't tell.
I’d love your opinion on something. I have a boyfriend; I’m in my early 30s, he’s a few years younger. We have an age gap, but we’ve always gotten along well and spent a lot of time together. I am his first relationship. We both work full-time and have been living together for a year. I have two dogs, and we live in an apartment building in the suburbs, smaller city, about 30 min ride from the big city in Europe. That’s all I could afford when I could buy a flat a few years ago; today even that would not be possible :)
I’ve been handling all the household chores—cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry, etc. It wasn’t perfect since I have ADHD and it’s difficult for me to keep places clean, but everything got done sooner or later. He sometimes cleaned the kitchen or walked the dogs and occasionally drove my car reluctantly as he had next to no driving experiences. I wished he’d be a bit more proactive, but he contributed financially, which made life easier. Sometime I asked him to do stuff and suggested it, but it got done sometimes, it didn’t other times. Things like scheduling a doctor’s appointment, hairdresser, dentist and similar are also extremely difficult for him as an introvert.
Apart from him hurting my feelings unintentionally a few times, things were fine more or less, he is good to live with, apart from decrease in intimate life from both sites. I noticed him playing PC games and drinking a lot, even during the workdays. When I asked what was wrong, he said he feels overwhelmed—by the household duties, the dogs, having to wake up early, and planning rides to work from the suburbs without food delivery or Bolt Market. He simply had easier life in the city. He admitted he hates his “laziness” and wants to improve but finds the responsibilities difficult. He wants to „be an adult because that’s what it apparently means“. He was living with parents (he has 3 older siblings) until he rented his own place...and we met shortly after that.
He’s even considering moving to a flat in the city, but he says life with me and the dogs is much more fulfilling. He started working out, though, trying to get his energy level up. He said he loves walking in nature, hikes etc, just like me, only that he can’t get himself to do it.
I am not a perfect partner, I don't think anyone is. But I was upfront about my concerns and need as soon as we moved in. I voiced concern about the age gap, about me being his first relationship, about the fact that I have dog and that means less spontaneous life. He realized I was right to be concerned. I feel sad and uncertain. I am fine my life in the suburbs, trips with my dogs, everything on walking distance. I am a morning person so it’s not an issue for me to get up early. However, I feel like in this case I bring nothing valuable to him—only more responsibilities that could have been avoided if he was single or with someone else. He would only be worse off financially but less burdened in any other aspect. This has caused me to grow more reserved, especially sexually.
In general, we’ve started living like flatmates, with some physical affection, sometimes watching movies together and going to sleep. He no longer drives anywhere due to his phobia, so I no longer bother. I tried being understandable, guiding him, giving him easy roads but he still doesn't feel comfortable about it. For months, there’s been no date or anything like that and I started not even wanting it anymore. I also do full amount of housework now, driving and dog care, as at this point I am too tired and sad to even ask for help. Only sometimes I ask for a quick dog walk.
My expectations were that with partner we have some sort of cooperation in household, so it’s easier for both of us, I wanted a partner that would LOVE dogs and gladly take care of them with me (he does love them but he changed his mind about owning them ; he'd be more comfortable sitting them than owning them. We also took one foster, it was a common decision, but he is still with us, he's older and difficult to adopt and while he's easy going, he burdens my partner a lot a lot. I can understand that and I don't judge. But as I said, I take care of dogs most of the time, as I should. My expectations are also clear and regular communication, intimacy, us vs. problem mindset, building something together and working towards common goals (which seemed to align). We both want to live in a house one day, but my partner is not happy with that "something in between" option - apt building which is not in the city.
What would you expect from a partner, are my expectations too high? Is this what it usually comes to? Do you think this is a solvable situation? It is also my first time to actually live with someone, so I can't tell.
Your expectations are not too high. You are enabling this boy to stay a boy. By your description, you are his mom now, and he likes it that way. I'm sorry to be the one to point it out so bluntly. If this is what you want, lean into it. But it sounds like you would prefer to be romantically attached to a fully-formed adult, or at least one who is on a journey there.
This isn't a division of labor problem and you won't solve it by continuing to think he just needs to be motivated. Best of luck in whatever you decide.
posted by archimago at 6:35 AM on January 22 [51 favorites]
This isn't a division of labor problem and you won't solve it by continuing to think he just needs to be motivated. Best of luck in whatever you decide.
posted by archimago at 6:35 AM on January 22 [51 favorites]
Equitable doesn't have to mean a 50-50 split of chores, but what you describe is you doing 99.9% and your boyfriend occasionally doing. 1% if he feels like it. It doesn't sound like he's contributing to your household at all and after a full year of living together, he's not going to. That's not sustainable and is not a partnership.
My partner and I don't split chores down the middle, but we do divvy things up in a way that feels fair. She handles more of the financial side of things and I handle more of the household management, but we both share in the physical chores of cooking and cleaning and laundry. We also split childcare equitably.
Also, do you want children? If you do, this boyfriend will not lift a finger to help with the child. I have seen this happen to women in my prenatal care group. If all of the household chores already fall to you, all childcare and childrearing will, too.
Your expectations aren't too high. Boyfriend needs to either step up or get out.
posted by carrioncomfort at 6:37 AM on January 22 [24 favorites]
My partner and I don't split chores down the middle, but we do divvy things up in a way that feels fair. She handles more of the financial side of things and I handle more of the household management, but we both share in the physical chores of cooking and cleaning and laundry. We also split childcare equitably.
Also, do you want children? If you do, this boyfriend will not lift a finger to help with the child. I have seen this happen to women in my prenatal care group. If all of the household chores already fall to you, all childcare and childrearing will, too.
Your expectations aren't too high. Boyfriend needs to either step up or get out.
posted by carrioncomfort at 6:37 AM on January 22 [24 favorites]
It sounds like you’re not compatible.
On driving: I’m someone who can’t drive for various reasons, and because of that I have to live much closer to the city or at least in a commercial area. I’ve lived out in the suburbs without public transport to town and it made me incredibly depressed, and I’ve struggled with that my whole life so trust me when I say it was uniquely bad for me. It was okay that I tried though because now I know.
On chores and making appointments: Your expectations are completely reasonable and this is a domestic labor gender issue. I bet if he lived by himself he would be one of those young men who has a bare mattress on the floor and only gets to the doctor if he’s actively bleeding. He has to learn how to manage his own life and you should not be responsible for teaching him. We all have trouble with this kind of stuff and we all have to figure out what works for us - when we don’t, we get stuff like men who become hermits after their wives die. That said, sometimes people in relationships can be nicely suited to compensating for each others’ weaknesses. Like, someone can be more concerned with tidiness while the other person can be more focused on cooking healthy food, or someone can be doing the laundry regularly while the other makes sure the bills get paid and the budget is balanced. You have to work that out when you live with people and most of the time everyone ends up with tasks they hate, but the key is to figure out who would hate the task the least, or be most able to do it regularly without burning out. It sounds like you guys are not aligning in these areas and also he has no clue what it takes to be a functional adult by himself.
On introversion: Being an introvert does not make you unable to make appointments. This sounds like social anxiety to me. Or it could be an executive function disorder thing, like with adhd. Whatever the cause, it’s not because he’s an introvert. It will be up to him to overcome these challenges, and it’s not your responsibility to push him to do so.
Basically, you guys tried the relationship, you were both open with each other, and have discovered that things are not working. It’s good because he has learned a lot about what he needs and what he needs to change, and you’ve learned a lot about your priorities in a partner and what you value going forward. And also, he needs to learn how to look after himself more, and that’s not on you.
posted by Mizu at 6:48 AM on January 22 [25 favorites]
On driving: I’m someone who can’t drive for various reasons, and because of that I have to live much closer to the city or at least in a commercial area. I’ve lived out in the suburbs without public transport to town and it made me incredibly depressed, and I’ve struggled with that my whole life so trust me when I say it was uniquely bad for me. It was okay that I tried though because now I know.
On chores and making appointments: Your expectations are completely reasonable and this is a domestic labor gender issue. I bet if he lived by himself he would be one of those young men who has a bare mattress on the floor and only gets to the doctor if he’s actively bleeding. He has to learn how to manage his own life and you should not be responsible for teaching him. We all have trouble with this kind of stuff and we all have to figure out what works for us - when we don’t, we get stuff like men who become hermits after their wives die. That said, sometimes people in relationships can be nicely suited to compensating for each others’ weaknesses. Like, someone can be more concerned with tidiness while the other person can be more focused on cooking healthy food, or someone can be doing the laundry regularly while the other makes sure the bills get paid and the budget is balanced. You have to work that out when you live with people and most of the time everyone ends up with tasks they hate, but the key is to figure out who would hate the task the least, or be most able to do it regularly without burning out. It sounds like you guys are not aligning in these areas and also he has no clue what it takes to be a functional adult by himself.
On introversion: Being an introvert does not make you unable to make appointments. This sounds like social anxiety to me. Or it could be an executive function disorder thing, like with adhd. Whatever the cause, it’s not because he’s an introvert. It will be up to him to overcome these challenges, and it’s not your responsibility to push him to do so.
Basically, you guys tried the relationship, you were both open with each other, and have discovered that things are not working. It’s good because he has learned a lot about what he needs and what he needs to change, and you’ve learned a lot about your priorities in a partner and what you value going forward. And also, he needs to learn how to look after himself more, and that’s not on you.
posted by Mizu at 6:48 AM on January 22 [25 favorites]
Your expectations are reasonable.
The bad news is that you're going to need to find a partner who is on the same page with you. This guy is just not ready to be a partner. It's just not the right timing. Disentangle and move on.
The good news is that you will now have a better idea of what *not* to settle for. There are men who are ready for a life in the suburbs with dogs and responsibilities. Once you find someone, you'll understand that you deserved so much more than your current guy.
It's obviously easier to write than to do, but imagine your life 20 years from now with this guy and a kid or two. Will you be happy? Work toward making your happiness a priority.
posted by hydra77 at 6:55 AM on January 22 [7 favorites]
The bad news is that you're going to need to find a partner who is on the same page with you. This guy is just not ready to be a partner. It's just not the right timing. Disentangle and move on.
The good news is that you will now have a better idea of what *not* to settle for. There are men who are ready for a life in the suburbs with dogs and responsibilities. Once you find someone, you'll understand that you deserved so much more than your current guy.
It's obviously easier to write than to do, but imagine your life 20 years from now with this guy and a kid or two. Will you be happy? Work toward making your happiness a priority.
posted by hydra77 at 6:55 AM on January 22 [7 favorites]
It's not an uncommon situation. My fiancée, a thoroughly independent and competent woman, regressed to dependency once we moved in with one another. I gave it time, figuring it was a phase while we sorted out what it meant to build our own household together. Unfortunately a full partnership never developed.
In the long run her newfound incompetence lead to contempt from my side, and that pretty much killed everything.
Interestingly, when we divorced she leapt right back into independence and competence. Living together apparently isn't for everyone.
In any case, your expectations seem very reasonable to me. You're looking for a partner, not a dependent. If they're not working hard (say, dedicating themselves to therapy) to deal with their issues around this then I'm afraid this will not end well.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:06 AM on January 22 [2 favorites]
In the long run her newfound incompetence lead to contempt from my side, and that pretty much killed everything.
Interestingly, when we divorced she leapt right back into independence and competence. Living together apparently isn't for everyone.
In any case, your expectations seem very reasonable to me. You're looking for a partner, not a dependent. If they're not working hard (say, dedicating themselves to therapy) to deal with their issues around this then I'm afraid this will not end well.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:06 AM on January 22 [2 favorites]
You’re not compatible. To be fair to him, going from living at home to two dogs in the ‘burbs can be a big leap, especially if he wasn’t responsible for a lot of chores at home. But to be fair to you, what you want in a partner is perfectly reasonable. Just not with this guy.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:15 AM on January 22 [4 favorites]
posted by warriorqueen at 7:15 AM on January 22 [4 favorites]
Yes, your expectations are not too high. That doesn't' mean there isn't some lessons here for you to learn - like Mizu already addressed, I would make sure anyone you date in the future is comfortable driving before they move in with you if your location requires it. I would also prioritize people who really love dogs. It's also not clear how much you discussed cleaning/chores before you moved in - the more concrete these conversations are, the better they help to make sure you're both on the same page. The small age gap here is a red herring - plenty of people in their late 20s would be happy in the suburbs with dogs. Just not this guy.
posted by coffeecat at 7:18 AM on January 22 [1 favorite]
posted by coffeecat at 7:18 AM on January 22 [1 favorite]
I have pretty awful executive functioning- maybe he does too, I'm not unsympathetic- but fuck it, you have ADHD and are still doing everything? that's not a basis for running a household, let alone a relationship.
This may just not be the sort of life he really wants right now. If you're living a life you don't really want, actually getting yourself to do the things can feel like an impossibility. I sometimes struggle to know what I want, and one sign is when the prospect of doing the thing just feels extra, overwhelmingly impossible.
That said, has he been evaluated for depression? My depression often manifests as (even worse) executive dysfunction rather than low mood per se.
posted by BungaDunga at 7:22 AM on January 22 [10 favorites]
This may just not be the sort of life he really wants right now. If you're living a life you don't really want, actually getting yourself to do the things can feel like an impossibility. I sometimes struggle to know what I want, and one sign is when the prospect of doing the thing just feels extra, overwhelmingly impossible.
That said, has he been evaluated for depression? My depression often manifests as (even worse) executive dysfunction rather than low mood per se.
posted by BungaDunga at 7:22 AM on January 22 [10 favorites]
Your expectations are not too high, it is kind of sad that you think this is the problem.
If you aren't going to ask him to leave (which you should), at least stop doing all the work. Are you seriously doing his laundry? Don't pay his bills, don't make his appointments.
I could go on about why I think this guy is not a keeper, but the more important piece is why you are such a willing dance partner. Why does it seem that you focus on his happiness more than your own? I doubt he is musing about how you might feel burdened by living with him. Did he reluctantly agree to foster the dog, or was it an enthusiastic agreement? Do you generally overlook his failings to the point of wearing blinders? Just because you were "upfront" about your concerns before he moved in doesn't mean they were addressed or even listened to. Gaining some insight and self-awareness will serve you well in your next relationship.
I bet that he will go back to the city the instant there is an opportunity, so I'd be extremely wary of investing more time and energy into this living situation.
In short, don't lower your standards, find a better guy.
Good luck.
posted by rhonzo at 7:38 AM on January 22 [15 favorites]
If you aren't going to ask him to leave (which you should), at least stop doing all the work. Are you seriously doing his laundry? Don't pay his bills, don't make his appointments.
I could go on about why I think this guy is not a keeper, but the more important piece is why you are such a willing dance partner. Why does it seem that you focus on his happiness more than your own? I doubt he is musing about how you might feel burdened by living with him. Did he reluctantly agree to foster the dog, or was it an enthusiastic agreement? Do you generally overlook his failings to the point of wearing blinders? Just because you were "upfront" about your concerns before he moved in doesn't mean they were addressed or even listened to. Gaining some insight and self-awareness will serve you well in your next relationship.
I bet that he will go back to the city the instant there is an opportunity, so I'd be extremely wary of investing more time and energy into this living situation.
In short, don't lower your standards, find a better guy.
Good luck.
posted by rhonzo at 7:38 AM on January 22 [15 favorites]
Your partner is an adult. It's time he act like one. What would he be doing if he were single?
Being an introvert isn't an excuse. I'm an introvert. I still manage to make doctor's appointments.
Also: you should be doing stuff you want to do, whether he wants to be a part of it or not, whether you stay in this relationship or not. It's healthier for each member of a couple to have their own activities and interests.
posted by adamrice at 7:41 AM on January 22 [3 favorites]
Being an introvert isn't an excuse. I'm an introvert. I still manage to make doctor's appointments.
Also: you should be doing stuff you want to do, whether he wants to be a part of it or not, whether you stay in this relationship or not. It's healthier for each member of a couple to have their own activities and interests.
posted by adamrice at 7:41 AM on January 22 [3 favorites]
It doesn’t sound like he’s putting any effort into addressing his own issues or the issues you face as a couple. It does sound like he just doesn’t want his life to look the way it does, and isn’t trying to sort out compromises that would make it work for him.
You are not expecting too much. You just need to be with an adult.
posted by bunderful at 7:43 AM on January 22 [2 favorites]
You are not expecting too much. You just need to be with an adult.
posted by bunderful at 7:43 AM on January 22 [2 favorites]
I am someone who is inclined to be sympathetic to your boyfriend's misery at living in the suburbs. I'm also a downtown-er who's mental health has really suffered when I've had to live in the suburbs. I don't get anyone can live like that. It's awful. And in an apartment building? I can't imagine the sheer hell of living in an apartment building in the suburbs. All the awful things about suburbs with none of the tiny compensation of more personal-space. I am the person on the internet most likely to say "OMG, why are you making him live in the suburbs? You should both just move downtown. Have a heart!"
So I am your boyfriend's most sympathetic potential audience. And I, his most sympathetic audience, say to you: Hell, no. There is nothing here that suggests that if you move downtown he's suddenly going to start doing his share of the adulting. Don't put up with this bullshit.
It's up to you what "don't put up with it." means. I think there's a solid chance it means DTMFA, but given that he is clearly depressed, it might also mean that if he's seeking treatment for that you give him a couple of grace to work on that before making any decisions. Now if he says he's depressed because he lives in the suburbs, I totally get that and I can believe it, but you can't pick up and move (even if you can pick up and move) without knowing with 100% certainty that things will be different after you do. And you don't know that. So his change would have to come first.
One way to decide if it's DTMFA or "a couple of months to seek treatment first" is evaluating if you knew him before he was depressed and if he was bad at adulting and about tending to your relationship then. I realize you didn't live together so there was less issue of him "doing his share" if you're not living together, but was he doing all the stuff that needs doing for himself or living below whatever-you-consider-to-be-adult-standards? Was he attentive to the relationship then? If he was living like a big child before he was depressed, then assume this is him, not the depression. If he had it all together back then and this changed when he moved in, then there's a chance that treating the depression will help. Of course, there's also a chance he's one of those men who adults when he has to because he's single, but then expects his partner to do everything when he's partnered, so no guarantees even if he was doing well before.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 7:51 AM on January 22 [7 favorites]
So I am your boyfriend's most sympathetic potential audience. And I, his most sympathetic audience, say to you: Hell, no. There is nothing here that suggests that if you move downtown he's suddenly going to start doing his share of the adulting. Don't put up with this bullshit.
It's up to you what "don't put up with it." means. I think there's a solid chance it means DTMFA, but given that he is clearly depressed, it might also mean that if he's seeking treatment for that you give him a couple of grace to work on that before making any decisions. Now if he says he's depressed because he lives in the suburbs, I totally get that and I can believe it, but you can't pick up and move (even if you can pick up and move) without knowing with 100% certainty that things will be different after you do. And you don't know that. So his change would have to come first.
One way to decide if it's DTMFA or "a couple of months to seek treatment first" is evaluating if you knew him before he was depressed and if he was bad at adulting and about tending to your relationship then. I realize you didn't live together so there was less issue of him "doing his share" if you're not living together, but was he doing all the stuff that needs doing for himself or living below whatever-you-consider-to-be-adult-standards? Was he attentive to the relationship then? If he was living like a big child before he was depressed, then assume this is him, not the depression. If he had it all together back then and this changed when he moved in, then there's a chance that treating the depression will help. Of course, there's also a chance he's one of those men who adults when he has to because he's single, but then expects his partner to do everything when he's partnered, so no guarantees even if he was doing well before.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 7:51 AM on January 22 [7 favorites]
I feel like in this case I bring nothing valuable to him
I would try and reframe this. You're bringing him (what sounds like) a lovely suburban lifestyle where he doesn't have to actually do any chores or upkeep at all. Suppose he wanted this lifestyle without you- he'd have to pay a full-time housekeeper, a dog-walker, a personal assistant to make his appointments, etc. That stuff's expensive.
If this stuff isn't valuable to him, than I tend to agree with the other commenters: you're not compatible, at least not as co-habitators. Maybe if you liked living apart it could work, but if you want someone to make a home with, then probably not.
If it is valuable to him and he's just too depressed and overwhelmed to help make it happen... well, maybe you are still incompatible for purely logistical reasons. Maybe he gets on an SSRI and is suddenly able to engage properly, it's possible, but idk.
posted by BungaDunga at 7:57 AM on January 22 [4 favorites]
I would try and reframe this. You're bringing him (what sounds like) a lovely suburban lifestyle where he doesn't have to actually do any chores or upkeep at all. Suppose he wanted this lifestyle without you- he'd have to pay a full-time housekeeper, a dog-walker, a personal assistant to make his appointments, etc. That stuff's expensive.
If this stuff isn't valuable to him, than I tend to agree with the other commenters: you're not compatible, at least not as co-habitators. Maybe if you liked living apart it could work, but if you want someone to make a home with, then probably not.
If it is valuable to him and he's just too depressed and overwhelmed to help make it happen... well, maybe you are still incompatible for purely logistical reasons. Maybe he gets on an SSRI and is suddenly able to engage properly, it's possible, but idk.
posted by BungaDunga at 7:57 AM on January 22 [4 favorites]
Your expectations are not too high. More like, too low.
It sounds like there's some strategic incompetence going on with his part - if he acts like it's too hard, his bang maid/mommy (you) will go ahead and pick up his slack.
I mean, it's possible it's actually depression... but it's just as likely he's realizing you're about at the end of your patience with his nonsense and it's time to go home to his parents.
Either way, it's not likely something you're going to fix, and it's not something this relationship is going to survive.
If you stay in it, you're just going to end up making more and more sacrifices, pouring things in to the sunk cost fallacy you're already trapped in.
posted by stormyteal at 8:22 AM on January 22 [5 favorites]
It sounds like there's some strategic incompetence going on with his part - if he acts like it's too hard, his bang maid/mommy (you) will go ahead and pick up his slack.
I mean, it's possible it's actually depression... but it's just as likely he's realizing you're about at the end of your patience with his nonsense and it's time to go home to his parents.
Either way, it's not likely something you're going to fix, and it's not something this relationship is going to survive.
If you stay in it, you're just going to end up making more and more sacrifices, pouring things in to the sunk cost fallacy you're already trapped in.
posted by stormyteal at 8:22 AM on January 22 [5 favorites]
hard agree with everyone saying the burbs suck if you don't like driving. you're 30 minutes from the city? thinking about flats? wondering about date ideas? you could go & look at places together, find neighborhoods you like, maybe a flat that fits y'all better. sounds like you've built some equity if you decide to sell your current place...
good he cleans the kitchen & walks the dogs. if you want help with the cooking, break down tasks involved: he can boil rice while you're peeling & chopping veggies, etc.
posted by HearHere at 8:36 AM on January 22
good he cleans the kitchen & walks the dogs. if you want help with the cooking, break down tasks involved: he can boil rice while you're peeling & chopping veggies, etc.
posted by HearHere at 8:36 AM on January 22
In other circumstances I would say you could both move somewhere that works okay for you both, but in this case that would mean uprooting your life for someone who isn't demonstrating they're worth it.
Encourage him to move back to the city. You can still date if you want; just not live together. His company might be more enjoyable if you don't have a front row seat to his behavior 24/7.
posted by metasarah at 8:42 AM on January 22 [12 favorites]
Encourage him to move back to the city. You can still date if you want; just not live together. His company might be more enjoyable if you don't have a front row seat to his behavior 24/7.
posted by metasarah at 8:42 AM on January 22 [12 favorites]
Even ignoring everything else, "living like flatmates" with what sounds like limited physical affection and intimacy sounds like a deal breaker for you. You deserve a partner who can match your physical and romantic desires, at least for the early years of the relationship. He's not, and it's over for the two of you. You deserve to be loved.
posted by ch1x0r at 9:27 AM on January 22 [5 favorites]
posted by ch1x0r at 9:27 AM on January 22 [5 favorites]
You're experiencing a very common problem where the woman does all the household work and the guy won't do it. Zawn Villines writes a lot about this from an anti-patriarchal lens.
I also think you're incompatible. You both sound not happy living together: your workload has increased significantly, he doesn't like living in the suburbs, he's not a big fan of dogs, he doesn't seem to care about being an equitable partner. I think him moving to his own place in the city would make him happier – and you as well, so you don't have to put up with all this issues, and the workload he's creating for you. You can consider living apart together (LAT) if you don't want to break up right away.
But this also doesn't sound like a great relationship. This "Apart from him hurting my feelings unintentionally a few times, things were fine more or less, he is good to live with, apart from decrease in intimate life from both sites. I noticed him playing PC games and drinking a lot, even during the workdays. When I asked what was wrong, he said he feels overwhelmed" all does not sound good. He hurt your feelings, there's no sex, he's drinking and gaming and feeling overwhelmed. I really think it's time to let him go. You gave it a year. You learned things about him. I think not wanting to continue would be a totally reasonable choice in this case.
>he says life with me and the dogs is much more fulfilling.
How about YOUR life with him in it? It sounds like you were doing just fine without him and you will continue to, even financially.
>I feel like in this case I bring nothing valuable to him
If you truly feel this way (and I don't think you should – because he lives in a nice place, even if it's not his ideal location, and someone does all his cooking and cleaning), then breaking up would make sense. But break up for YOU (I.e. the relationship is not meeting your very reasonable needs and didn't turn out the way you wanted or hoped) and not as a favour to him.
posted by foxjacket at 9:33 AM on January 22 [2 favorites]
I also think you're incompatible. You both sound not happy living together: your workload has increased significantly, he doesn't like living in the suburbs, he's not a big fan of dogs, he doesn't seem to care about being an equitable partner. I think him moving to his own place in the city would make him happier – and you as well, so you don't have to put up with all this issues, and the workload he's creating for you. You can consider living apart together (LAT) if you don't want to break up right away.
But this also doesn't sound like a great relationship. This "Apart from him hurting my feelings unintentionally a few times, things were fine more or less, he is good to live with, apart from decrease in intimate life from both sites. I noticed him playing PC games and drinking a lot, even during the workdays. When I asked what was wrong, he said he feels overwhelmed" all does not sound good. He hurt your feelings, there's no sex, he's drinking and gaming and feeling overwhelmed. I really think it's time to let him go. You gave it a year. You learned things about him. I think not wanting to continue would be a totally reasonable choice in this case.
>he says life with me and the dogs is much more fulfilling.
How about YOUR life with him in it? It sounds like you were doing just fine without him and you will continue to, even financially.
>I feel like in this case I bring nothing valuable to him
If you truly feel this way (and I don't think you should – because he lives in a nice place, even if it's not his ideal location, and someone does all his cooking and cleaning), then breaking up would make sense. But break up for YOU (I.e. the relationship is not meeting your very reasonable needs and didn't turn out the way you wanted or hoped) and not as a favour to him.
posted by foxjacket at 9:33 AM on January 22 [2 favorites]
Your expectations are fine. Living with someone is hard, and from the sound of things, your boyfriend has very little experience taking care of himself on his own. That complicates things further. It's a hard thing to realize, but there really isn't any shame in recognizing that you're not lifestyle-compatible with someone. It's why people recommend living together before getting married, after all.
I'm sorry things are not working out as you'd hoped with your boyfriend. If the two of you are able to be flexible and detach yourselves from the idea that relationships have to progress a certain way to be successful, you could maintain your relationship but live apart. But it's also okay if your ideal is to live with someone who can be a true partner to you, and that means you need to break up in order to find that person.
Your boyfriend needs to learn to take care of himself and his living space. As you've noticed for yourself, trying to manage his acquisition of basic life skills is a significant drain on you. It's killing your energy and desire. Granted that relationships are never flawless, having a generally pleasant living situation and partner you feel affection and desire for isn't a wild ideal.
posted by EvaDestruction at 9:37 AM on January 22 [2 favorites]
I'm sorry things are not working out as you'd hoped with your boyfriend. If the two of you are able to be flexible and detach yourselves from the idea that relationships have to progress a certain way to be successful, you could maintain your relationship but live apart. But it's also okay if your ideal is to live with someone who can be a true partner to you, and that means you need to break up in order to find that person.
Your boyfriend needs to learn to take care of himself and his living space. As you've noticed for yourself, trying to manage his acquisition of basic life skills is a significant drain on you. It's killing your energy and desire. Granted that relationships are never flawless, having a generally pleasant living situation and partner you feel affection and desire for isn't a wild ideal.
posted by EvaDestruction at 9:37 AM on January 22 [2 favorites]
Let me get this straight: he barely does any basic household chores, he plays video games and drinks even during the day, he barely cares for the dog you both agreed to foster, he refuses to try and be ok driving, never makes an effort to do fun things with you, and can't even go online to schedule appointments? And you think your expectations are...too low??!
Girl. You sound amazing. Your dude...not so much.
This guy has really hit the jackpot by using weaponized incompetence. Obviously I don't know him, but even if he doesn't know that's what he's doing...that's what he's doing. Why would he every bother to change anything about himself, when he's found someone who will accept this behavior?
I feel like in this case I bring nothing valuable to him
This makes me really sad. You have what sounds like a great life aside from this anchor in the shape of a man. You own your own place (no easy feat these days), you like the area you chose to live, you seem like you have a pretty good handle on who you are, how you like to spend your time, and what kind of life you want. You are bringing pretty much ALL the value in this relationship. You deserve to be with someone who can be an actual adult person and match what you have to give.
Is this guy making your life better, like a good partner does? Does he lift you up, like a good partner does? Does he support you in every day life stuff as well as emotionally, like a good partner does? No? Drop him. You deserve so much more.
posted by Molasses808 at 9:39 AM on January 22 [23 favorites]
Girl. You sound amazing. Your dude...not so much.
This guy has really hit the jackpot by using weaponized incompetence. Obviously I don't know him, but even if he doesn't know that's what he's doing...that's what he's doing. Why would he every bother to change anything about himself, when he's found someone who will accept this behavior?
I feel like in this case I bring nothing valuable to him
This makes me really sad. You have what sounds like a great life aside from this anchor in the shape of a man. You own your own place (no easy feat these days), you like the area you chose to live, you seem like you have a pretty good handle on who you are, how you like to spend your time, and what kind of life you want. You are bringing pretty much ALL the value in this relationship. You deserve to be with someone who can be an actual adult person and match what you have to give.
Is this guy making your life better, like a good partner does? Does he lift you up, like a good partner does? Does he support you in every day life stuff as well as emotionally, like a good partner does? No? Drop him. You deserve so much more.
posted by Molasses808 at 9:39 AM on January 22 [23 favorites]
You're experiencing a very common problem where the woman does all the household work and the guy won't do it. Zawn Villines writes a lot about this from an anti-patriarchal lens.
Let's not gender this. OP almost certainly does not have abnormal expectations for their partner, who does seem to need to be doing considerably more in any relationship, but there are certainly situations where a partner does not fulfill typical expectations of shared housework that may not be part of what is considered the conventional and clichéd male/female divide.
posted by I EAT TAPAS at 9:53 AM on January 22 [1 favorite]
Let's not gender this. OP almost certainly does not have abnormal expectations for their partner, who does seem to need to be doing considerably more in any relationship, but there are certainly situations where a partner does not fulfill typical expectations of shared housework that may not be part of what is considered the conventional and clichéd male/female divide.
posted by I EAT TAPAS at 9:53 AM on January 22 [1 favorite]
Your boyfriend needs some new skills- I moved from town, where a big supermarket was my corner store. Fantastic takeout easily available. Friends nearby. To a ruralish suburban area. Store is 12 minutes away without traffic. I have to plan meals, which I did anyway. I hate the cost of delivery, so if I want takeout, it's planned with errands most of the time. My favorite Thai food is 20 minutes away and is now a reward for doing errands. There's always food in the house for some sort of meal, not necessarily my 1st choice for the day. I do some batch cooking; I don't mind eating that pasta salad 4 days in a row.
You should not be the one managing his acquisition of new skills. (Hi parents should have taught him; I taught my son, his Dad did, too.) Life Coach. Have a meeting. Make a list of things that need to be done; work out who is in charge of what. Then he gets some form of Life Coaching to figure out how. And he is responsible for consequences. He doesn't walk the dogs and they pee on the rug? He learns rug-cleaning. and the dogs were miserable, he needs to know that.
His driving phobia can be helped with additional driving lessons. I'd sideline that concern. He sounds anxious and not ready to be a grownup. Dude, srsly, grow up. But you can't make that happen.
posted by theora55 at 10:21 AM on January 22
You should not be the one managing his acquisition of new skills. (Hi parents should have taught him; I taught my son, his Dad did, too.) Life Coach. Have a meeting. Make a list of things that need to be done; work out who is in charge of what. Then he gets some form of Life Coaching to figure out how. And he is responsible for consequences. He doesn't walk the dogs and they pee on the rug? He learns rug-cleaning. and the dogs were miserable, he needs to know that.
His driving phobia can be helped with additional driving lessons. I'd sideline that concern. He sounds anxious and not ready to be a grownup. Dude, srsly, grow up. But you can't make that happen.
posted by theora55 at 10:21 AM on January 22
This is actually a scenario where gender is entirely relevant. There is a body of evidence that shows women are more likely to take on the bulk of the household labor, even in households where both partners work.
OP, it won’t get better. You are not compatible, and if you continue down the path with this relationship, you will be 100% responsible for the household labor, or spend more time arguing about it and nagging him than the tasks would take to do yourself.
posted by bluloo at 10:28 AM on January 22 [21 favorites]
OP, it won’t get better. You are not compatible, and if you continue down the path with this relationship, you will be 100% responsible for the household labor, or spend more time arguing about it and nagging him than the tasks would take to do yourself.
posted by bluloo at 10:28 AM on January 22 [21 favorites]
This is actually a scenario where gender is entirely relevant. There is a body of evidence that shows women are more likely to take on the bulk of the household labor, even in households where both partners work.
Particularly in lesbian couples, where this exact same dynamic is known to play out. People are people, and relationships bring out certain patterns in everyone.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:57 AM on January 22
Particularly in lesbian couples, where this exact same dynamic is known to play out. People are people, and relationships bring out certain patterns in everyone.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:57 AM on January 22
There are lots of ways to be geographically incompatible but both fine people; and lots of ways to be housemate-incompatible and both fine people. You don’t have to legislate who’s right and who’s wrong to decide that you don’t want to live physically together any more.
How he reacts when you suggest it, and how he is when living someplace he likes better, might be useful information.
posted by clew at 11:00 AM on January 22
How he reacts when you suggest it, and how he is when living someplace he likes better, might be useful information.
posted by clew at 11:00 AM on January 22
Stop doing his laundry (get separate hampers) and tell him if you cook then he’s doing the dishes. If he doesn’t figure it out from that then you have your answer.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:21 AM on January 22 [1 favorite]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:21 AM on January 22 [1 favorite]
What would you expect from a partner, are my expectations too high?
What if we told you that yes, your expectations ARE too high? What would you do? Would you stay with a flatmate who seems to bring nothing to the table for the rest of your life? Would you able to say, "Well this sucks but I can do it for the next X years because there are literally no other options in the universe for me?"
Or would you recognize that what matters is how YOU feel about this situation and honor those feelings?
Generally people don't ask relationship questions when they're happy.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 11:27 AM on January 22 [3 favorites]
What if we told you that yes, your expectations ARE too high? What would you do? Would you stay with a flatmate who seems to bring nothing to the table for the rest of your life? Would you able to say, "Well this sucks but I can do it for the next X years because there are literally no other options in the universe for me?"
Or would you recognize that what matters is how YOU feel about this situation and honor those feelings?
Generally people don't ask relationship questions when they're happy.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 11:27 AM on January 22 [3 favorites]
He's a person who is younger and had his very first place to live on his own when you met. I think he's just too immature to hold up his end of a 1. Romantic relationship or 2. Roommate relationship.
He doesn't always do chores even when reminded, he rarely follows through on activities he knows are in his best interest and for his own benefit - hikes, working out - doesn't like the area where you live and wants to live in the city. He is sabotaging himself occasionally with drinking and seems possibly depressed. Certainly he doesn't understand how to turn himself and the relationship toward a more healthy and mature path.
In short, he doesn't know how to compromise and whatever his stated intentions cannot rouse himself to do anywhere near his portion of the housekeeping. I don't see this working out and you have kept things going by putting in way more than your share of the emotional and physical work.
A final thought: he moved in with a person who has a dog. Although you excuse his lack of help with dog responsibilities, I think you instinctively understood inside that he was not up to this. A true partner would have willingly and unstintingly shared all the household responsibilities, including pet care - you have exempted his by saying that the dogs are yours.
He needs to have time on his own to grow up, and you deserve a partner who is all-in with you. I have found in my own life that relationships that take an immense amount of work, where life goals don't align (possibly because you are at different life stages), and where there is a protracted feeling that one partner is carrying the relationship are seldom worth all that angst.
posted by citygirl at 11:27 AM on January 22
He doesn't always do chores even when reminded, he rarely follows through on activities he knows are in his best interest and for his own benefit - hikes, working out - doesn't like the area where you live and wants to live in the city. He is sabotaging himself occasionally with drinking and seems possibly depressed. Certainly he doesn't understand how to turn himself and the relationship toward a more healthy and mature path.
In short, he doesn't know how to compromise and whatever his stated intentions cannot rouse himself to do anywhere near his portion of the housekeeping. I don't see this working out and you have kept things going by putting in way more than your share of the emotional and physical work.
A final thought: he moved in with a person who has a dog. Although you excuse his lack of help with dog responsibilities, I think you instinctively understood inside that he was not up to this. A true partner would have willingly and unstintingly shared all the household responsibilities, including pet care - you have exempted his by saying that the dogs are yours.
He needs to have time on his own to grow up, and you deserve a partner who is all-in with you. I have found in my own life that relationships that take an immense amount of work, where life goals don't align (possibly because you are at different life stages), and where there is a protracted feeling that one partner is carrying the relationship are seldom worth all that angst.
posted by citygirl at 11:27 AM on January 22
Viewing this issue through a gender lens is entirely reasonable. I'd encourage you to /also/ look at it through a disability lens.
Consider the possibility that your partner cannot do the things that you want him to do. He can't drive. He can't do laundry. He can't wash dishes. Maybe he's physically disabled and can't do these things, or maybe he's emotionally disabled and can't do these things, or maybe he just has a bad attitude; in whatever case, he can't.
Are you committed to being his caretaker for the duration of this relationship, or for the rest of his life? You don't have to be, but the way you answer that question may help you approach the situation. If the answer is 'no' then he needs to shape up or ship out. If the answer is 'yes' then you need to adopt a problem-management approach: what responsibilities can you outsource? What chores can you resolve to leave undone? If he can't help with some things, what /can/ he help with?
I'm not saying that he will never become a better partner, or become more capable. But when I've been in similar situations, I've found it to be very helpful to get off the "waiting for change/disappointed in lack of change" rollercoaster and just decide whether to do the work or bail out.
posted by eraserbones at 11:35 AM on January 22 [4 favorites]
Consider the possibility that your partner cannot do the things that you want him to do. He can't drive. He can't do laundry. He can't wash dishes. Maybe he's physically disabled and can't do these things, or maybe he's emotionally disabled and can't do these things, or maybe he just has a bad attitude; in whatever case, he can't.
Are you committed to being his caretaker for the duration of this relationship, or for the rest of his life? You don't have to be, but the way you answer that question may help you approach the situation. If the answer is 'no' then he needs to shape up or ship out. If the answer is 'yes' then you need to adopt a problem-management approach: what responsibilities can you outsource? What chores can you resolve to leave undone? If he can't help with some things, what /can/ he help with?
I'm not saying that he will never become a better partner, or become more capable. But when I've been in similar situations, I've found it to be very helpful to get off the "waiting for change/disappointed in lack of change" rollercoaster and just decide whether to do the work or bail out.
posted by eraserbones at 11:35 AM on January 22 [4 favorites]
Agreeing that your expectations are just fine but this sounds like a mismatch. He sounds unhappy and like he is not ready for shared/responsible adult life, in terms of experience, skill, and perhaps true desire; regardless of what his words say, to me his actions say 'I don't want this.' It's interesting to me that you kept his exact age so vague, but regardless of the number, moving to your place appears to have been a real shock to the system for him. Some of that is probably that slotting into someone else's pre-existing home and life and leaving your own behind is hard in many ways in and of itself, and some of it is probably that he just hasn't had the time to finish growing up.
You sound unhappy, too. You're doing too much and you've stopped asking for what you need, which is never a good sign. You like the life you have and seem clear about that, and you're with someone who isn't, for whatever reason, being the kind of partner you need on many fronts, which leaves you to choose between waiting for him to catch up with you of his own accord or being his teacher, which, in my experience, is extremely unsexy for everyone.
There's often a learning curve in dating where you really have to face the fact that love is not enough. I think you're both trying to make this work because you want to be together, but the differences in the kind of lifestyles you want and are prepared for are significant. Some couples find ways to compromise, but it's worth thinking seriously about whether you want to have to work really hard to get to the point where you have a life that you're both only kind of happy with at best or if you want to free each other to find better matches.
posted by wormtales at 12:58 PM on January 22 [2 favorites]
You sound unhappy, too. You're doing too much and you've stopped asking for what you need, which is never a good sign. You like the life you have and seem clear about that, and you're with someone who isn't, for whatever reason, being the kind of partner you need on many fronts, which leaves you to choose between waiting for him to catch up with you of his own accord or being his teacher, which, in my experience, is extremely unsexy for everyone.
There's often a learning curve in dating where you really have to face the fact that love is not enough. I think you're both trying to make this work because you want to be together, but the differences in the kind of lifestyles you want and are prepared for are significant. Some couples find ways to compromise, but it's worth thinking seriously about whether you want to have to work really hard to get to the point where you have a life that you're both only kind of happy with at best or if you want to free each other to find better matches.
posted by wormtales at 12:58 PM on January 22 [2 favorites]
This question and your last one make me think that you are terribly unhappy. Please believe us when we say that you deserve a lot more than this.
posted by Ollie at 1:04 PM on January 22 [7 favorites]
posted by Ollie at 1:04 PM on January 22 [7 favorites]
I am learning that things don't need to be All or Nothing, Living Together or Ended Relationship. Sounds like neither of you are happy with this setup, and living together doesn't have to be an end goal of a relationship. It's okay to step off path and do what works for you - maybe separate homes, him in the City and you with the dogs, will bring you both joy and a fulfilled relationship. Maybe the time apart will show you're not compatible and that's okay too.
Relationships don't need to fit a mold of expectations, and they don't need to last forever to have been valuable. Hugs to you both though, because change is hard and sometimes knowing what you really, actually, truly want is hard to define too. You can do it though, it's worth it!
posted by unlapsing at 2:01 PM on January 22 [5 favorites]
Relationships don't need to fit a mold of expectations, and they don't need to last forever to have been valuable. Hugs to you both though, because change is hard and sometimes knowing what you really, actually, truly want is hard to define too. You can do it though, it's worth it!
posted by unlapsing at 2:01 PM on January 22 [5 favorites]
I'd be inclined to give the boyfriend a bit of a pass on the household chore incompetence because he moved in with you, so it's your flat, your stuff, your standards, your routines and your choices.
It's really hard to learn how to run a kitchen when it is someone else's kitchen and you don't get to pick where the forks go, but instead have to remember to put every one of four-hundred things back in the proper place, and when the consequences of you destroying all the cookware while developing the healthy neurosis of never ever being able to forget you left a pot on the stove is not doing without any pots for two months because you destroyed every one of them, but that you have destroyed all of InisMona's good cookware and she cried and raged and she now has an unhealthy neurosis of constantly checking to see if you left a pot on the stove, even though you can't have because there is no longer any cookware to leave.
There is a good chance that any possibilities he had of becoming good at looking after a flat was scorched out of existence by his moving in with you and your stuff. He needed to go through the phase where he learned to wash his dishes on auto pilot because there was only cereal bowl, so he washed it multiple times a day, and it was no biggie because it was just one bowl and it hadn't sat all day with the crud hardening. And he needed to go through the stage of realising that his bed sheets were really, really gross, yuck, have I been sleeping in THAT, and the resultant frenzy of doing laundry. But he went straight from his first attempts at living in his own place before he had mastered the skills to do it all by reflex, to becoming a long term house guest in your home.
The guy might have tons of potential. Or he might not. A lot of people never, ever master housekeeping. It's scary how many of them there are.
So, basically, do you want to live with a guy who doesn't do housework?
I'd say no. You probably got him to move in with you because you wanted the emotional closeness of having a boyfriend near you all the time. And that happy love high emotional closeness stage has worn off and is not providing a pay off for you anymore. Of course you do love him, and you don't hate him and... he's now mainly just the guy you are no longer in alt over, living in your flat.
Right now it sounds like you just want to not have to clean up after him, more than you want to have him around.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:08 AM on January 23 [1 favorite]
It's really hard to learn how to run a kitchen when it is someone else's kitchen and you don't get to pick where the forks go, but instead have to remember to put every one of four-hundred things back in the proper place, and when the consequences of you destroying all the cookware while developing the healthy neurosis of never ever being able to forget you left a pot on the stove is not doing without any pots for two months because you destroyed every one of them, but that you have destroyed all of InisMona's good cookware and she cried and raged and she now has an unhealthy neurosis of constantly checking to see if you left a pot on the stove, even though you can't have because there is no longer any cookware to leave.
There is a good chance that any possibilities he had of becoming good at looking after a flat was scorched out of existence by his moving in with you and your stuff. He needed to go through the phase where he learned to wash his dishes on auto pilot because there was only cereal bowl, so he washed it multiple times a day, and it was no biggie because it was just one bowl and it hadn't sat all day with the crud hardening. And he needed to go through the stage of realising that his bed sheets were really, really gross, yuck, have I been sleeping in THAT, and the resultant frenzy of doing laundry. But he went straight from his first attempts at living in his own place before he had mastered the skills to do it all by reflex, to becoming a long term house guest in your home.
The guy might have tons of potential. Or he might not. A lot of people never, ever master housekeeping. It's scary how many of them there are.
So, basically, do you want to live with a guy who doesn't do housework?
I'd say no. You probably got him to move in with you because you wanted the emotional closeness of having a boyfriend near you all the time. And that happy love high emotional closeness stage has worn off and is not providing a pay off for you anymore. Of course you do love him, and you don't hate him and... he's now mainly just the guy you are no longer in alt over, living in your flat.
Right now it sounds like you just want to not have to clean up after him, more than you want to have him around.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:08 AM on January 23 [1 favorite]
You are an adult, with adult skills for independent living and managing a range of responsibilities, not just for yourself, but your apartment and your dogs, an additional responsibility you took with an understanding of what you were doing.
Your boyfriend is an adult who probably never really learned to live independently or manage his own life. I don't mean just because he lived with his parents for so long -- I have two young adult kids, and one manages many parts of his own life and pet care quite well, while the other does not -- but because he found work-arounds. The age difference isn't the issue; someone could be 24 and living independently and taking care of these things in their life.
It's an extra level of difficult of him moving into your place with your dogs. It is a bit complicated (maybe naive?) to expect someone else to move into your life and take care of your pets. Pets aren't really a couple/household chore if one had them first, I think. I'm not saying a new partner could never love and take care of pets, but it is different to stepparent rather than parent pets. But, with everything else: I suspect he never really had a schedule for cooking for himself, grocery shopping, or cleaning his own place, so it would be very difficult to learn all this moving into your place, where you already know how to do all this.
In any case, your boyfriend isn't going to learn how to do all this stuff, not while you're doing it and he doesn't have to. If you all stay together, you will essentially be parenting him, be teaching him to manage his own life, never mind help with yours. Do you ever hear mothers say something like, "I have three kids, two I gave birth to, and one I married," or something like that? I don't love this trope, but this is the kind of scenario they are talking about.
If you want to be in relationship with an adult man who can be a full and contributing partner, you need to end this relationship and date someone who is living independently and taking care of himself. I don't mean he has to be doing those things perfectly, not at all. But he needs to be doing the basics of managing his own life. For example...
Things like scheduling a doctor’s appointment, hairdresser, dentist and similar are also extremely difficult for him as an introvert. This has nothing to do with being an introvert! One of my kids has been managing all this for himself since he was 16 or 17, with some help or nudges from me. My extroverted kid doesn't do this stuff.
I'm a bit aghast at the idea that you might be making these appointments for him. Did he ask you to? Did you realize he needed a haircut and nudge him and finally made the appointment? This is a pretty terrible pattern.
Did you expect him to move in and be a different person? Or just not really realize how he was?
You might look at the concepts of "learned helplessness" and "weaponized incompetence." I'm not sure those are exactly the right concepts, but maybe it'll help your thinking.
You asked us if your expectations are unreasonable for a partner. In theory, no. But, in reality, you will only drive yourself crazy if you keep expecting your boyfriend to be something different than what he has shown you to be. He doesn't seem to be meeting you halfway, not at all.
Also, gaming and drinking during the workday are HUGE problems. That's reason enough to end this relationship now. If you don't end this relationship, you are doing to be his caretaker forever and you are doing to circle around each other in a stew of resentment for years until we tell you to start reading about codependency.
Here's the deal: whether he's depressed, an addict, lazy -- none of this matters. What matters is that you don't have a partner. You have a roommate who doesn't do much, who is dependent on you for managing basic functions of his life, and who sometimes cuddles with you. Do not get pregnant with this man. Do you not keep taking care of him. You might consider therapy for yourself, to see why you are in this situation as a competent, independent adult.
posted by bluedaisy at 8:44 AM on January 23 [3 favorites]
Your boyfriend is an adult who probably never really learned to live independently or manage his own life. I don't mean just because he lived with his parents for so long -- I have two young adult kids, and one manages many parts of his own life and pet care quite well, while the other does not -- but because he found work-arounds. The age difference isn't the issue; someone could be 24 and living independently and taking care of these things in their life.
It's an extra level of difficult of him moving into your place with your dogs. It is a bit complicated (maybe naive?) to expect someone else to move into your life and take care of your pets. Pets aren't really a couple/household chore if one had them first, I think. I'm not saying a new partner could never love and take care of pets, but it is different to stepparent rather than parent pets. But, with everything else: I suspect he never really had a schedule for cooking for himself, grocery shopping, or cleaning his own place, so it would be very difficult to learn all this moving into your place, where you already know how to do all this.
In any case, your boyfriend isn't going to learn how to do all this stuff, not while you're doing it and he doesn't have to. If you all stay together, you will essentially be parenting him, be teaching him to manage his own life, never mind help with yours. Do you ever hear mothers say something like, "I have three kids, two I gave birth to, and one I married," or something like that? I don't love this trope, but this is the kind of scenario they are talking about.
If you want to be in relationship with an adult man who can be a full and contributing partner, you need to end this relationship and date someone who is living independently and taking care of himself. I don't mean he has to be doing those things perfectly, not at all. But he needs to be doing the basics of managing his own life. For example...
Things like scheduling a doctor’s appointment, hairdresser, dentist and similar are also extremely difficult for him as an introvert. This has nothing to do with being an introvert! One of my kids has been managing all this for himself since he was 16 or 17, with some help or nudges from me. My extroverted kid doesn't do this stuff.
I'm a bit aghast at the idea that you might be making these appointments for him. Did he ask you to? Did you realize he needed a haircut and nudge him and finally made the appointment? This is a pretty terrible pattern.
Did you expect him to move in and be a different person? Or just not really realize how he was?
You might look at the concepts of "learned helplessness" and "weaponized incompetence." I'm not sure those are exactly the right concepts, but maybe it'll help your thinking.
You asked us if your expectations are unreasonable for a partner. In theory, no. But, in reality, you will only drive yourself crazy if you keep expecting your boyfriend to be something different than what he has shown you to be. He doesn't seem to be meeting you halfway, not at all.
Also, gaming and drinking during the workday are HUGE problems. That's reason enough to end this relationship now. If you don't end this relationship, you are doing to be his caretaker forever and you are doing to circle around each other in a stew of resentment for years until we tell you to start reading about codependency.
Here's the deal: whether he's depressed, an addict, lazy -- none of this matters. What matters is that you don't have a partner. You have a roommate who doesn't do much, who is dependent on you for managing basic functions of his life, and who sometimes cuddles with you. Do not get pregnant with this man. Do you not keep taking care of him. You might consider therapy for yourself, to see why you are in this situation as a competent, independent adult.
posted by bluedaisy at 8:44 AM on January 23 [3 favorites]
You may want to reflect on whether your relationship has simply evolved from unsustainable passionate love to sustainable companionate love, which can be healthy and is common. I also note that in most relationships one person does more of the housework than the other, so your situation sounds pretty normal.
posted by mortaddams at 8:09 PM on January 24
posted by mortaddams at 8:09 PM on January 24
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Your expectations are not too high.
I’m not sure if this is solvable with this partner, especially adding in additional cultural considerations.
Have him move back to the city and try living together again later on once he has more experience keeping up a place on his own, in a setting that might be better suited for him
posted by raccoon409 at 6:17 AM on January 22 [22 favorites]