How do I move on from a career path that just isn't working out?
January 20, 2025 10:42 AM Subscribe
I'm in my mid-30s and I'm feeling unhappy with where my career has ended up. For a decade I've been working an okay-ish job in a competitive, overcrowded, and generally low paid field and I fear it's not going to get better than this. This isn't a sustainable career. How do I forgive myself for making these decisions and move on?
Recently, I've been working with my therapist and I've come to the conclusion that I've never been a career-oriented person. Taking this into consideration, a lot of my "poor" choices I've made with my career make total sense. I grew up in a bit of a "neglectful" environment, so all that career guidance and planning people get as adolescence, teenagers, and young adults... just didn't happen for me. I've had to guide myself without true guidance from mentors and it shows!!
I've never had any idea what I wanted to do for a career, even as a child. Nothing. No true career-related aspirations. I pursued a degree in a subject I liked right after high school. After graduating I had no idea what to do and spent a few years floundering, but I eventually thought I'd like to work in "Field C". I went to college for a 2-year diploma so I could work in "Field C" as a paraprofessional and a few years later I decided to get a Masters Degree in "Field C" as a professional. For a lot of reasons I've become very disillusioned with "Field C" my job is okay, not great... I've been working in a paraprofessional position after a terrible professional position a few years ago.
The job I have now is unsustainable (low pay, no advancement, the usual, etc.) and I was about to undertake a job search in the field until I realized... I actually don't want to work in this field anymore! I don't care! I like the people I help in my field, I'm good at the tasks, but I don't care about the larger field itself anymore. I don't think I could successfully go further in it anyway, even if I wanted to. I've hit a professional wall. I want to start testing the waters outside of my field, where I think I could transfer some of my skills and end up with something more aligned with my current stage of life.
So, what's the point of this question? How do I feel "okay" about stepping away from a career I've put so much effort into for a decade with minimal reward? How do I forgive myself for making this mistake? I feel like an idiot for getting this far in a field I don't care about after a decade. I'm super hard on myself for wasting all this time. How do I "let go" and move the fuck on to different, maybe better, pastures?
Recently, I've been working with my therapist and I've come to the conclusion that I've never been a career-oriented person. Taking this into consideration, a lot of my "poor" choices I've made with my career make total sense. I grew up in a bit of a "neglectful" environment, so all that career guidance and planning people get as adolescence, teenagers, and young adults... just didn't happen for me. I've had to guide myself without true guidance from mentors and it shows!!
I've never had any idea what I wanted to do for a career, even as a child. Nothing. No true career-related aspirations. I pursued a degree in a subject I liked right after high school. After graduating I had no idea what to do and spent a few years floundering, but I eventually thought I'd like to work in "Field C". I went to college for a 2-year diploma so I could work in "Field C" as a paraprofessional and a few years later I decided to get a Masters Degree in "Field C" as a professional. For a lot of reasons I've become very disillusioned with "Field C" my job is okay, not great... I've been working in a paraprofessional position after a terrible professional position a few years ago.
The job I have now is unsustainable (low pay, no advancement, the usual, etc.) and I was about to undertake a job search in the field until I realized... I actually don't want to work in this field anymore! I don't care! I like the people I help in my field, I'm good at the tasks, but I don't care about the larger field itself anymore. I don't think I could successfully go further in it anyway, even if I wanted to. I've hit a professional wall. I want to start testing the waters outside of my field, where I think I could transfer some of my skills and end up with something more aligned with my current stage of life.
So, what's the point of this question? How do I feel "okay" about stepping away from a career I've put so much effort into for a decade with minimal reward? How do I forgive myself for making this mistake? I feel like an idiot for getting this far in a field I don't care about after a decade. I'm super hard on myself for wasting all this time. How do I "let go" and move the fuck on to different, maybe better, pastures?
Hey, I totally get where you're coming from. I studied Architecture for years, and eventually, I just realized I wasn’t enjoying it anymore. I didn’t want to be in a field where I had to design things; I was more interested in working with numbers. I even asked myself, "Was it worth it?" Then the pandemic hit, and I ended up working in a completely different field—not by choice, but because I needed work at the time.
As for forgiving yourself or letting go, I’m not sure what the answer is. But I just want to say that the fact that you're bringing this up in therapy means you're already working through it. And honestly, huge props to you for making it this far on your own.
Also, from my most recent job search, where I felt I could finally explore other fields, I realized a lot of what I learned in college still applies. The construction calculations I learned, the design software we used—some of those tools have similar UI to tools relevant to my current job. Over time, you’ll see that those years of experience and knowledge weren’t wasted. You might be surprised how much you don't have to start from scratch like you thought you would!
posted by liza97 at 11:23 AM on January 20 [2 favorites]
As for forgiving yourself or letting go, I’m not sure what the answer is. But I just want to say that the fact that you're bringing this up in therapy means you're already working through it. And honestly, huge props to you for making it this far on your own.
Also, from my most recent job search, where I felt I could finally explore other fields, I realized a lot of what I learned in college still applies. The construction calculations I learned, the design software we used—some of those tools have similar UI to tools relevant to my current job. Over time, you’ll see that those years of experience and knowledge weren’t wasted. You might be surprised how much you don't have to start from scratch like you thought you would!
posted by liza97 at 11:23 AM on January 20 [2 favorites]
Most people nowadays seem to end up working 2-3-4 different careers, or sometimes even 5 or 6 or more.
It's not like the 1950s when you would get your job at IBM or GM or United Airlines or whatever, and then just plan on working there the rest of your life - your "career".
I think our mindset is still a bit stuck in that type of mindset even though the real working environment has been quite different for at least 30 years or so.
Anyway, don't think of yourself as a failure or someone who is doing something abnormal or wrong - but rather as someone is following a rather common career trajectory, and one that many people follow precisely because it is beneficial and the smart thing for them to do.
And, think of your career in the very long term. Let's face it, people in their mid thirties now are definitely going to be working until they are 70 or so, and maybe even mid 70s.
That's roughly four more decades and that is how people can easilyhave 4 or 5 quite different "careers" in their lifetime.
You don't even have to think about "what will I enjoy doing for the next 40 years now." It's far more realistic and productive to think more about what you'd like to do the for the next 5 or 10 or maybe 15 years .
posted by flug at 11:42 AM on January 20 [8 favorites]
It's not like the 1950s when you would get your job at IBM or GM or United Airlines or whatever, and then just plan on working there the rest of your life - your "career".
I think our mindset is still a bit stuck in that type of mindset even though the real working environment has been quite different for at least 30 years or so.
Anyway, don't think of yourself as a failure or someone who is doing something abnormal or wrong - but rather as someone is following a rather common career trajectory, and one that many people follow precisely because it is beneficial and the smart thing for them to do.
And, think of your career in the very long term. Let's face it, people in their mid thirties now are definitely going to be working until they are 70 or so, and maybe even mid 70s.
That's roughly four more decades and that is how people can easilyhave 4 or 5 quite different "careers" in their lifetime.
You don't even have to think about "what will I enjoy doing for the next 40 years now." It's far more realistic and productive to think more about what you'd like to do the for the next 5 or 10 or maybe 15 years .
posted by flug at 11:42 AM on January 20 [8 favorites]
I've changed fields three times, four if you count going back to one of them. I would say...in my 30s I tried really hard to be the best at my chosen field. In my 40s, I learned why that field wasn't for me (and it was media, so also a lot of changed) and I tried out some other ones. Now I'm in web content/digital marketing and I love the org I'm doing it in.
I don't consider much time wasted except the years I spent trying to fit my square peg into a round-hole job.* Your job and career are not there to serve your past. They are there to serve your present and your future. I would encourage you to see this more as seasons of your life. You had a season in Field C and now you're coming into a new season. That's neat!
* The last three years of my 15 + years in media.
posted by warriorqueen at 11:44 AM on January 20 [6 favorites]
I don't consider much time wasted except the years I spent trying to fit my square peg into a round-hole job.* Your job and career are not there to serve your past. They are there to serve your present and your future. I would encourage you to see this more as seasons of your life. You had a season in Field C and now you're coming into a new season. That's neat!
* The last three years of my 15 + years in media.
posted by warriorqueen at 11:44 AM on January 20 [6 favorites]
Do you like who you are?
From the way you wrote your question, I like who you are. You sound thoughtful and kind in a world that's not super rewarding for those traits. Anyway, I ask if you like who you are because I liken personality and who we are to a Jenga tower. I'd love to have ambition myself, real get up and go gumption... but I'd have to have taken a different path with different experiences... would I still be who I am? Of course not, maybe I'd be a terrible monster.
So that's part of it. Accept that where you were is what brought you to here AND accept that who you are doesn't suck. That probably sounds dumb as hell, but it is a truth for those of us crippled with self doubt or what ifs who know we need a change.
The second part is reread the first part and do it again. You didn't fuck up, you didn't make a mistake. I've been digging into who I am for awhile now and it's that neglect, rejection and lack of care early on that actually turned out brain into something unable to assert itself in the world. I mean we can... in the same way I can fill a glass of water, lift it up and drink the refreshing glass of water. I am more likely to sit and think 'what if I had a glass of water?' Or fill it and not lift it up to my mouth, metaphorically.
Oh, there's a third part maybe. Have support. I'm glad you're working with your therapist. If you want to chat in a friendly, positive, commiserative way, feel free to drop me a line.
Also, I left my well paying field sheesh almost a year ago. I've been pondering and researching just this question (and generally, why do I think the way I do) since then. There's a lot I could say practically about how you can switch careers (either keep same title and change industries, or change titles/job duties but keep same industry is basically it), but I have rambled too much.
ANYWAY. Feel free to message me. Be nice to yourself too.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:53 PM on January 20 [6 favorites]
From the way you wrote your question, I like who you are. You sound thoughtful and kind in a world that's not super rewarding for those traits. Anyway, I ask if you like who you are because I liken personality and who we are to a Jenga tower. I'd love to have ambition myself, real get up and go gumption... but I'd have to have taken a different path with different experiences... would I still be who I am? Of course not, maybe I'd be a terrible monster.
So that's part of it. Accept that where you were is what brought you to here AND accept that who you are doesn't suck. That probably sounds dumb as hell, but it is a truth for those of us crippled with self doubt or what ifs who know we need a change.
The second part is reread the first part and do it again. You didn't fuck up, you didn't make a mistake. I've been digging into who I am for awhile now and it's that neglect, rejection and lack of care early on that actually turned out brain into something unable to assert itself in the world. I mean we can... in the same way I can fill a glass of water, lift it up and drink the refreshing glass of water. I am more likely to sit and think 'what if I had a glass of water?' Or fill it and not lift it up to my mouth, metaphorically.
Oh, there's a third part maybe. Have support. I'm glad you're working with your therapist. If you want to chat in a friendly, positive, commiserative way, feel free to drop me a line.
Also, I left my well paying field sheesh almost a year ago. I've been pondering and researching just this question (and generally, why do I think the way I do) since then. There's a lot I could say practically about how you can switch careers (either keep same title and change industries, or change titles/job duties but keep same industry is basically it), but I have rambled too much.
ANYWAY. Feel free to message me. Be nice to yourself too.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:53 PM on January 20 [6 favorites]
Is there someone else's shadow lurking in what you're feeling right now? Someone who wanted you to have the career you're leaving? Someone you don't want to disappoint or anger?
If so, banishing the ghost is perhaps something to talk about with your therapist.
posted by humbug at 1:11 PM on January 20 [1 favorite]
If so, banishing the ghost is perhaps something to talk about with your therapist.
posted by humbug at 1:11 PM on January 20 [1 favorite]
You didn't make a mistake. You spent (SPENT, not WASTED) ten years learning more about who you are and what you want. Congratulations! Now take that knowledge and move on to the next thing.
posted by evilmomlady at 1:21 PM on January 20 [5 favorites]
posted by evilmomlady at 1:21 PM on January 20 [5 favorites]
How do I forgive myself for making this mistake?
There are a lot of great jobs for people who are capable of predicting the future. If you believe you have that talent then you should pursue them.
If you don't have that talent then you, like the rest of us, are stuck with trial and error.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:34 PM on January 20 [1 favorite]
There are a lot of great jobs for people who are capable of predicting the future. If you believe you have that talent then you should pursue them.
If you don't have that talent then you, like the rest of us, are stuck with trial and error.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:34 PM on January 20 [1 favorite]
There are loads of people in their mid thirties who really really wish they'd got it together to earn any kind of stable income for the past ten years. Spare them a thought whenever you find yourself launching into a game of Let's Beat Up On Anonymous For "Wasting" Time. Better still, find some folks in that position and go hang out with them for a while to get a bit of perspective.
Earning a living is hard. It doesn't need to be made harder by whoever's voice that is that's found its way inside your head to have a pop at you for doing it wrong.
Over the years I've found a lot of value in just being incredibly rude to those parts of myself that choose to give me a hard time internally for no good reason, certainly far ruder than I'd ever be to anybody outside my own head. The internal script I employ whenever some part of myself has the temerity to shit on me for doing my best goes something like this:
Are you done? Well OK then. My turn now, I get to speak and you get to listen, so, basically: fuck off with that shit. I've fed you and housed you and carried you around in my head for the last ten years and for that whole time you've done nothing but complain. Least you could do is offer me a bit of gratitude instead of this endless whining. Either come up with a concrete, actionable, realistic, achievable plan for making you happier or shut the fuck up.
What, you got nothing? Quelle surprise. Shut the fuck up it is, then. Some of us have work to do.
posted by flabdablet at 1:57 PM on January 20 [10 favorites]
Earning a living is hard. It doesn't need to be made harder by whoever's voice that is that's found its way inside your head to have a pop at you for doing it wrong.
Over the years I've found a lot of value in just being incredibly rude to those parts of myself that choose to give me a hard time internally for no good reason, certainly far ruder than I'd ever be to anybody outside my own head. The internal script I employ whenever some part of myself has the temerity to shit on me for doing my best goes something like this:
Are you done? Well OK then. My turn now, I get to speak and you get to listen, so, basically: fuck off with that shit. I've fed you and housed you and carried you around in my head for the last ten years and for that whole time you've done nothing but complain. Least you could do is offer me a bit of gratitude instead of this endless whining. Either come up with a concrete, actionable, realistic, achievable plan for making you happier or shut the fuck up.
What, you got nothing? Quelle surprise. Shut the fuck up it is, then. Some of us have work to do.
posted by flabdablet at 1:57 PM on January 20 [10 favorites]
Yup, this happened to me. I did have a similar upbringing where one parent was too busy spending down their inheritance and the other was one of those very rare birds who made it to the top of a creative field and was able to earn a living from it. Their career advice to me was "get lucky" and nothing else.
But the career advice I did get from everyone else, including my Episcopal church and my Catholic high school, aside from "get lucky," was PICK A CAREER THAT DOES GOOD FOR THE WORLD. Lawyer or finance person? Never. Save the world. Settle for low pay since that's part of saving the world. So for 15 years I worked in an industry where there were a lot of insufferable yahoos and petty tyrants, but hey I was saving the world. Finally at age 40 I realized that I couldn't starve to death so I completely changed careers. I was angry at myself for being too "stupid" to see it earlier; part of the upbringing implied that if you weren't good enough to make it in a creative career, then you were a slightly lesser being.
But I changed careers, successfully. I am blissfully happy working for a (non-soulless) for-profit big company. I kicked myself for a long time, having wasted so much time. But I didn't know any better. Humans are flawed. Suffering is the human condition. We're all only here for a very short time. Every single human on earth has regrets. And the cycle goes on.
posted by Melismata at 2:22 PM on January 20 [2 favorites]
But the career advice I did get from everyone else, including my Episcopal church and my Catholic high school, aside from "get lucky," was PICK A CAREER THAT DOES GOOD FOR THE WORLD. Lawyer or finance person? Never. Save the world. Settle for low pay since that's part of saving the world. So for 15 years I worked in an industry where there were a lot of insufferable yahoos and petty tyrants, but hey I was saving the world. Finally at age 40 I realized that I couldn't starve to death so I completely changed careers. I was angry at myself for being too "stupid" to see it earlier; part of the upbringing implied that if you weren't good enough to make it in a creative career, then you were a slightly lesser being.
But I changed careers, successfully. I am blissfully happy working for a (non-soulless) for-profit big company. I kicked myself for a long time, having wasted so much time. But I didn't know any better. Humans are flawed. Suffering is the human condition. We're all only here for a very short time. Every single human on earth has regrets. And the cycle goes on.
posted by Melismata at 2:22 PM on January 20 [2 favorites]
an industry where there were a lot of insufferable yahoos and petty tyrants
In other words, an industry.
That shit sticks, and it almost always takes until well past the age of 40 to work out how to get rid of it before it crusts as well.
posted by flabdablet at 2:52 PM on January 20 [1 favorite]
In other words, an industry.
That shit sticks, and it almost always takes until well past the age of 40 to work out how to get rid of it before it crusts as well.
posted by flabdablet at 2:52 PM on January 20 [1 favorite]
I'm 46. I majored in biology, worked in labs for a few years, then got my masters in library science and worked in libraries for about 10 years (only 3 of those years as an actual librarian), then went to a software development bootcamp and worked for about 10 years as a software developer, and next week I'm starting work on an accelerated second bachelors in nursing.
This might be a mistake! Library school was probably a mistake - there are surely more rewarding things I could have done in my 20s and 30s - but, like, so what? Being a software developer has been financially very rewarding, so probably not a mistake if only for that reason, but I'm bored and burnt out on it. (So I'm pursuing a new career in nursing, which has a very high burnout rate... like I said, this could be a huge mistake!)
But, like, we're allowed to make mistakes. A lot of us don't figure things out right away, even if we get lots of well-intentioned guidance (maybe we ignore it because we think we know better, maybe the advice is bad because the mentor doesn't really get us or is behind the times, whatever). Like, seriously, what is there to forgive? We all take wrong turns and date the wrong people and buy products that turn out to kind of suck. Yeah, a career is a bigger deal, but it happens.
FWIW, as a fellow non-career-oriented person, one thing I think I've come to realize about myself is that I hate working on big-picture decision-y stuff. Give me a reasonably well-defined task, even if it's unpleasant or difficult or complicated, and I will complete that task, usually quite cheerfully. But, like, deciding what the organization/department/program/feature should do? Absolutely not, it makes me want to lie down on the floor and kick my feet. I usually just don't care, and I'm not at all sure that I can make myself care. This has been a limiting factor for me, career-wise (at some point, if you're making progress in your career, people start to expect you to, you know, care), and I think I just have to accept it.
posted by mskyle at 3:42 PM on January 20 [11 favorites]
This might be a mistake! Library school was probably a mistake - there are surely more rewarding things I could have done in my 20s and 30s - but, like, so what? Being a software developer has been financially very rewarding, so probably not a mistake if only for that reason, but I'm bored and burnt out on it. (So I'm pursuing a new career in nursing, which has a very high burnout rate... like I said, this could be a huge mistake!)
But, like, we're allowed to make mistakes. A lot of us don't figure things out right away, even if we get lots of well-intentioned guidance (maybe we ignore it because we think we know better, maybe the advice is bad because the mentor doesn't really get us or is behind the times, whatever). Like, seriously, what is there to forgive? We all take wrong turns and date the wrong people and buy products that turn out to kind of suck. Yeah, a career is a bigger deal, but it happens.
FWIW, as a fellow non-career-oriented person, one thing I think I've come to realize about myself is that I hate working on big-picture decision-y stuff. Give me a reasonably well-defined task, even if it's unpleasant or difficult or complicated, and I will complete that task, usually quite cheerfully. But, like, deciding what the organization/department/program/feature should do? Absolutely not, it makes me want to lie down on the floor and kick my feet. I usually just don't care, and I'm not at all sure that I can make myself care. This has been a limiting factor for me, career-wise (at some point, if you're making progress in your career, people start to expect you to, you know, care), and I think I just have to accept it.
posted by mskyle at 3:42 PM on January 20 [11 favorites]
Your job and career are not there to serve your past. They are there to serve your present and your future.
1. Thiiiissssss ^^^^^
2. Someone had to create the term 'sunk cost fallacy' because it is so common. So many of us are programmed to think that just because a chunk of energy/time was spent on a career or a relationship, then it means that MORE energy and time should be spent – but most of the time that is neither realistic nor what serves that person best. Fortunately, you are already in a place to know that moving on is a good idea. These bad/guilty feelings you have are just the residual programming. It will subside in time, esp with all the good suggestions people have made here.
3. Your skill set is separate from your career. Find a smart friend who is *not* in your field, and describe what you do in your current job. Ask them to help you see things from an outside perspective, and make categories like 'skills I have and enjoy doing', 'skills I have but don't enjoy doing', 'skills I don't love but will do if it allows me to do other more fun skills most of the time', etc. The idea is to siphon off all the things you have learned from this first career and keep those in mind as you move forward. This includes the negatives; in fact (just like when moving on from past relationships) the lessons about what you *don't* want are sometimes more valuable than remembering what you *do* want.
4. Lastly, I know it's hard to see from where you're at but remember, you're ONLY in your mid-30s. You have time – and kudos to you for moving on!
ps. I find people who have changed careers at least once in their lives to be fascinating. Of course I'm not always privy to the second-guessing and insecurities around those decisions, but every time I've found myself in a conversation with someone who's pivoted in a big way, I always want to hear every detail. You're an inspiration!
posted by Molasses808 at 4:27 PM on January 20 [3 favorites]
1. Thiiiissssss ^^^^^
2. Someone had to create the term 'sunk cost fallacy' because it is so common. So many of us are programmed to think that just because a chunk of energy/time was spent on a career or a relationship, then it means that MORE energy and time should be spent – but most of the time that is neither realistic nor what serves that person best. Fortunately, you are already in a place to know that moving on is a good idea. These bad/guilty feelings you have are just the residual programming. It will subside in time, esp with all the good suggestions people have made here.
3. Your skill set is separate from your career. Find a smart friend who is *not* in your field, and describe what you do in your current job. Ask them to help you see things from an outside perspective, and make categories like 'skills I have and enjoy doing', 'skills I have but don't enjoy doing', 'skills I don't love but will do if it allows me to do other more fun skills most of the time', etc. The idea is to siphon off all the things you have learned from this first career and keep those in mind as you move forward. This includes the negatives; in fact (just like when moving on from past relationships) the lessons about what you *don't* want are sometimes more valuable than remembering what you *do* want.
4. Lastly, I know it's hard to see from where you're at but remember, you're ONLY in your mid-30s. You have time – and kudos to you for moving on!
ps. I find people who have changed careers at least once in their lives to be fascinating. Of course I'm not always privy to the second-guessing and insecurities around those decisions, but every time I've found myself in a conversation with someone who's pivoted in a big way, I always want to hear every detail. You're an inspiration!
posted by Molasses808 at 4:27 PM on January 20 [3 favorites]
I am so much better at Career 2 because of the skills and experiences I gained from Career 1, which was overall a terrible fit for me and really derailed my life for a while. I never would have gotten my current job, which I enjoy and have advanced in, if I hadn’t had certain skills that nobody else in my office has, which I would not have had if not for Terrible Previous Career. It was not a waste of time. Your background in this career may be more of an asset to you in a second career than it is to you now.
posted by showbiz_liz at 4:45 PM on January 20 [4 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 4:45 PM on January 20 [4 favorites]
I want to reemphasize what many people, but particularly flug, said above.
I went to grad school, and discovered I hated the field I'd chosen to specialize in, because I'd been led astray by the unusually excellent people at my undergrad program. Once I saw what the Real World would be like, I knew I was fucked.
...so I graduated, and went to work in IT because I was good at following instructions and reasoning.
...then I wrote a few programming books.
...then I went to work for an electronic design automation software company (one of the big ones) doing parasitic extraction tooling, and after a while I grabbed a voluntary severance package, and went to travel the world and occasionally help blow things up.
...so I bopped around war zones for a while, then wrapped that up, and went back to school for engineering.
...then I worked in structural engineering for a while, and got into Standards Development.
...I spent several years organizing and writing various engineering standards, while engaged in what I guess I'll call "industrial politics"
...then I moved, and went back into software because it paid better and didn't care so much about where I lived.
...I moved around in software for a while (if you've searched for something online, I can pretty much guarantee I'm the reason that search was 1ms faster than it could have been otherwise, like I actually have that t-shirt), and ended up in Finance because it pays even better and oddly enough they actually care more about the craft of software because if anything breaks EVER they lose an unholy amount of money.
...and now I'm thinking about retiring early because I'm paid a truly ridiculous sum to parachute in to various problem domains and help folks fix things before they get too bad so if it ever gets too bad I'll just say goodbye and skate off into the distance.
All along the way I've collected expertise, various types of experiences, and generally had a blast (when I wasn't actively suicidal, see war zones above).
We're all gonna die some day, so we may as well try a few things on for size before the end. Don't feel bad for you, feel bad for the people who never got to have as many different experiences.
posted by aramaic at 5:46 PM on January 20 [2 favorites]
I went to grad school, and discovered I hated the field I'd chosen to specialize in, because I'd been led astray by the unusually excellent people at my undergrad program. Once I saw what the Real World would be like, I knew I was fucked.
...so I graduated, and went to work in IT because I was good at following instructions and reasoning.
...then I wrote a few programming books.
...then I went to work for an electronic design automation software company (one of the big ones) doing parasitic extraction tooling, and after a while I grabbed a voluntary severance package, and went to travel the world and occasionally help blow things up.
...so I bopped around war zones for a while, then wrapped that up, and went back to school for engineering.
...then I worked in structural engineering for a while, and got into Standards Development.
...I spent several years organizing and writing various engineering standards, while engaged in what I guess I'll call "industrial politics"
...then I moved, and went back into software because it paid better and didn't care so much about where I lived.
...I moved around in software for a while (if you've searched for something online, I can pretty much guarantee I'm the reason that search was 1ms faster than it could have been otherwise, like I actually have that t-shirt), and ended up in Finance because it pays even better and oddly enough they actually care more about the craft of software because if anything breaks EVER they lose an unholy amount of money.
...and now I'm thinking about retiring early because I'm paid a truly ridiculous sum to parachute in to various problem domains and help folks fix things before they get too bad so if it ever gets too bad I'll just say goodbye and skate off into the distance.
All along the way I've collected expertise, various types of experiences, and generally had a blast (when I wasn't actively suicidal, see war zones above).
We're all gonna die some day, so we may as well try a few things on for size before the end. Don't feel bad for you, feel bad for the people who never got to have as many different experiences.
posted by aramaic at 5:46 PM on January 20 [2 favorites]
How do I feel "okay" about stepping away from a career I've put so much effort into for a decade with minimal reward?
Some of the alt-ac career coaching is a grift but my god if there’s any group of people who know what it’s like to bust their ass all the time for a decade and barely make a penny from it and not be rewarded in other ways, it’s academics.
posted by MisantropicPainforest at 6:28 PM on January 20 [2 favorites]
Some of the alt-ac career coaching is a grift but my god if there’s any group of people who know what it’s like to bust their ass all the time for a decade and barely make a penny from it and not be rewarded in other ways, it’s academics.
posted by MisantropicPainforest at 6:28 PM on January 20 [2 favorites]
all that career guidance and planning people get as adolescence, teenagers, and young adults
I think you are overestimating the impact of parents nudging/shoving you into certain careers. There are many folks your age who only now are realizing they didn't actually want to be the doctor/engineer/lawyer their parents pushed them to be. I think you are comparing your insides to other people's outsides. Lots of folks are just making it up and doing the best they can.
Is this part of a general self-esteem struggle for you? I just don't see how a 25-year old can really guess at what kind of job to do, to find something they'll be happy doing, in a robust field, for 40 years. Can you move past the idea of forgiving yourself for making a mistake and instead just reframe it as, "We make the road as we walk it."
Sometimes the best kind of job is the one that teaches you what you don't want to do.
posted by bluedaisy at 9:37 PM on January 20 [3 favorites]
I think you are overestimating the impact of parents nudging/shoving you into certain careers. There are many folks your age who only now are realizing they didn't actually want to be the doctor/engineer/lawyer their parents pushed them to be. I think you are comparing your insides to other people's outsides. Lots of folks are just making it up and doing the best they can.
Is this part of a general self-esteem struggle for you? I just don't see how a 25-year old can really guess at what kind of job to do, to find something they'll be happy doing, in a robust field, for 40 years. Can you move past the idea of forgiving yourself for making a mistake and instead just reframe it as, "We make the road as we walk it."
Sometimes the best kind of job is the one that teaches you what you don't want to do.
posted by bluedaisy at 9:37 PM on January 20 [3 favorites]
I appreciate your question, there are some lovely replies here, and some of them have hit home with me quite deeply indeed.
You're asking a good question. I've left my Field C and I'm not sure what's happening next, but one thing that's been unhelpful is the sense (which I feel more or less strongly depending on how things are going) that I made a mistake by ever going into Field C and staying there for as long as I did. The reason it's unhelpful is that it's acting as a source of anxiety about whatever-it-is-I'm-trying-to-do-next. Not only do I feel a certain natural amount of tingling nervous trepidation about putting myself out there in the direction of a New Field which is relatively unknown to me, but I've also been carrying this additional concern into those situations: what if this is me here right now making another mistake, all over again? It's a little hard to take some of the next steps when that doubtful thought is loitering, it's inhibiting at precisely the point when I'd like be acting. So processing and (as others have said) correcting the confabulation that everything-up-til-now-was-a-mistake is a very important thing to be working on, and there are comments here which are helping me to let go of it even now.
posted by Joeruckus at 2:50 AM on January 21 [1 favorite]
You're asking a good question. I've left my Field C and I'm not sure what's happening next, but one thing that's been unhelpful is the sense (which I feel more or less strongly depending on how things are going) that I made a mistake by ever going into Field C and staying there for as long as I did. The reason it's unhelpful is that it's acting as a source of anxiety about whatever-it-is-I'm-trying-to-do-next. Not only do I feel a certain natural amount of tingling nervous trepidation about putting myself out there in the direction of a New Field which is relatively unknown to me, but I've also been carrying this additional concern into those situations: what if this is me here right now making another mistake, all over again? It's a little hard to take some of the next steps when that doubtful thought is loitering, it's inhibiting at precisely the point when I'd like be acting. So processing and (as others have said) correcting the confabulation that everything-up-til-now-was-a-mistake is a very important thing to be working on, and there are comments here which are helping me to let go of it even now.
I want to start testing the waters outside of my field, where I think I could transfer some of my skills and end up with something more aligned with my current stage of life.YES, I 100% back you on this, start testing, this sounds PERFECT, and thinking this way is a powerful corrective to the sunk-cost fallacy. Keep going!
posted by Joeruckus at 2:50 AM on January 21 [1 favorite]
Gainful employment tends to be a trade off of various factors. When we first start out, we often don't accept that there is always a trade off. By our mid thirties, we are more likely to accept that. In addition, we had time to learn more about ourselves to be able to figure out what trade offs work for us and what don't.
When you started out, you started with something that interested you, pursued work that was related and in the fullness of time you realised that that translated into a path that is not as promising as you would hope. That's ok. You've spent your time acquiring self knowledge and also many transferable skills you can now put to other use. Your time was not wasted.
What do you want to achieve with your next move? What would make the balance of trade offs that is gainful employment more satisfying for you? It sounds a bit as if long term financial viability is part of what your're missing currently so on that basis:
We tell people to pursue their interests but that's not very sound if you want to achieve long-term financial viability for example. Many people are interested in things that have a lot of applicants for few jobs for example.
Perhaps try coming at it from the other direction this time - not what am I interested in but what do I want my retirement to look like? That will factor into e.g. desired level of salary/benefits vs cost of living to allow you to save enough for example. So big picture, long-term goals.
Then you now have experience to base this on when you didn't when you started to work. What makes a good day at work for you? Non toxic people are a given. But what else? What activities and tasks play to your strengths. What roles do these translate into? What fields and industries have need for people with those skills and strengths?
And are there any pre-requisites for that role/industry combination? Do you have those? Can you get them with a reasonable investment of time/money or as part of formal training while you are working?
If your ideal role/industry comes with a high rate of unemployment, keep thinking. That will not result in financial viability. Especially if you'd have to invest in further qualifications to even qualify for one of these few openings that exist. You want to pivot into something with a high rate of employment/ perhaps even something that experiences labour shortages and something that is not likely to be automated in the next 5 years.
That is not to say that you should spend the next x years doing something you find soul destroying. Remember, we started with your strengths and activities you enjoy. All we're doing now is directing these things into something that also supports your long-term financial goals not just into something that 'interests you'. It is ok to do things that help you achieve these goals as well.
Please note that I did mention COLA as well. That is another thing you can control and may need to re-evaluate as part of this. It's ok to want to work to live. But that comes with its own trade offs.
posted by koahiatamadl at 4:38 AM on January 21
When you started out, you started with something that interested you, pursued work that was related and in the fullness of time you realised that that translated into a path that is not as promising as you would hope. That's ok. You've spent your time acquiring self knowledge and also many transferable skills you can now put to other use. Your time was not wasted.
What do you want to achieve with your next move? What would make the balance of trade offs that is gainful employment more satisfying for you? It sounds a bit as if long term financial viability is part of what your're missing currently so on that basis:
We tell people to pursue their interests but that's not very sound if you want to achieve long-term financial viability for example. Many people are interested in things that have a lot of applicants for few jobs for example.
Perhaps try coming at it from the other direction this time - not what am I interested in but what do I want my retirement to look like? That will factor into e.g. desired level of salary/benefits vs cost of living to allow you to save enough for example. So big picture, long-term goals.
Then you now have experience to base this on when you didn't when you started to work. What makes a good day at work for you? Non toxic people are a given. But what else? What activities and tasks play to your strengths. What roles do these translate into? What fields and industries have need for people with those skills and strengths?
And are there any pre-requisites for that role/industry combination? Do you have those? Can you get them with a reasonable investment of time/money or as part of formal training while you are working?
If your ideal role/industry comes with a high rate of unemployment, keep thinking. That will not result in financial viability. Especially if you'd have to invest in further qualifications to even qualify for one of these few openings that exist. You want to pivot into something with a high rate of employment/ perhaps even something that experiences labour shortages and something that is not likely to be automated in the next 5 years.
That is not to say that you should spend the next x years doing something you find soul destroying. Remember, we started with your strengths and activities you enjoy. All we're doing now is directing these things into something that also supports your long-term financial goals not just into something that 'interests you'. It is ok to do things that help you achieve these goals as well.
Please note that I did mention COLA as well. That is another thing you can control and may need to re-evaluate as part of this. It's ok to want to work to live. But that comes with its own trade offs.
posted by koahiatamadl at 4:38 AM on January 21
Have you undertaken any "values work" in your therapy? Even if you have, these peri-transitional times are excellent opportunities to really, deeply dive into what drives your life forward with feelings of resonance and satisfaction. This workbook pops up in my life every few years since it was first given to me in a time of much duress. It might be a useful addition to your thinking on this.
Sometimes the salve for hard feelings about big decisions is taking a detailed look at the compass rose on your internal map. It can really help you feel the sense of course correction, as opposed to less charitable interpretations of what you want to do.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 4:38 AM on January 21
Sometimes the salve for hard feelings about big decisions is taking a detailed look at the compass rose on your internal map. It can really help you feel the sense of course correction, as opposed to less charitable interpretations of what you want to do.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 4:38 AM on January 21
I think we are all at war with our past selves to a greater or lesser extent.
I came in to mention the concept of risk. I'm pretty adverse to risk, and I probably would have had a better career if I had been bolder. In your situation, any change carries some risk. The risk of reaching up may seem greater than the risk of settling for a new version of the past, but is it really? Probably not.
posted by SemiSalt at 5:06 AM on January 21
I came in to mention the concept of risk. I'm pretty adverse to risk, and I probably would have had a better career if I had been bolder. In your situation, any change carries some risk. The risk of reaching up may seem greater than the risk of settling for a new version of the past, but is it really? Probably not.
posted by SemiSalt at 5:06 AM on January 21
I found a lot of better results with similar career existential crises when I ask myself what can I do sustainably vs. “what do I want to do”.
I don’t really want to work, so asking myself what I do want to do always tangled me up in knots.
Asking myself “what do I have the capability and capacity to do over and over” gave me a pretty pragmatic list of options. Way less emotional, much more “work sucks but it is what it is”, much more feeling of “okay I could do A but I’d have to go to grad school, B but I’ll have to cold call, or C but I’ll have to accept that it’s boring as hell” etc.
Btw, my ex went from a career path that sounds similar to yours, to tech sales. It was not an easy transition but he learned SO much about effective business communication in a short amount of time, doubled his para income, and after a year there now has a resume that can get him other sales / tech / business type jobs in a number of new directions. Sales isn’t for the faint of heart (the quotas and the cold calling!) but he is definitely not a careerist and it actually works well for him. He doesn’t bring work home, there are plenty of paths for him that aren’t designed for super go-getters, and once you get the hang of it you can kind of cruise for a bit (as long as you always hit your numbers).
posted by seemoorglass at 6:17 AM on January 21
I don’t really want to work, so asking myself what I do want to do always tangled me up in knots.
Asking myself “what do I have the capability and capacity to do over and over” gave me a pretty pragmatic list of options. Way less emotional, much more “work sucks but it is what it is”, much more feeling of “okay I could do A but I’d have to go to grad school, B but I’ll have to cold call, or C but I’ll have to accept that it’s boring as hell” etc.
Btw, my ex went from a career path that sounds similar to yours, to tech sales. It was not an easy transition but he learned SO much about effective business communication in a short amount of time, doubled his para income, and after a year there now has a resume that can get him other sales / tech / business type jobs in a number of new directions. Sales isn’t for the faint of heart (the quotas and the cold calling!) but he is definitely not a careerist and it actually works well for him. He doesn’t bring work home, there are plenty of paths for him that aren’t designed for super go-getters, and once you get the hang of it you can kind of cruise for a bit (as long as you always hit your numbers).
posted by seemoorglass at 6:17 AM on January 21
I just heard a podcast episode about switching careers at midlife. I didn't think to suggest it initially because they are talking to someone who is 50 or so. But the guest on the podcast wrote a book that could be super useful for you: ">Switchers: How Smart Professionals Change Careers — and Seize Success.
On the podcast, she talked about evaluating your current training and skills so you can use what you've done, what's worked in your current jobs and what hasn't, to figure out what direction to take next.
posted by bluedaisy at 9:34 AM on January 21
On the podcast, she talked about evaluating your current training and skills so you can use what you've done, what's worked in your current jobs and what hasn't, to figure out what direction to take next.
posted by bluedaisy at 9:34 AM on January 21
How do I forgive myself for making this mistake?
I just don't see where you've made a mistake. You followed a path that seemed a decent one at the time. Now you know you want something different and you're exploring how to make it happen. Seems great to me.
As everyone else has said, career changes are the norm, they don't make you a weird exception or a failure. The fact you're actually acting on the fact you no longer enjoy it, and looking for another path, is pretty much a definition of success, I'd say. Far better than languishing for decades more in the career that's not serving you now.
(FWIW, I was fortunate enough to have kind, attentive parents, but had zero career guidance or planning. They were very happy to leave me to work out my own path, and it just never occurred to me to go to the careers service at my Uni. My school careers advisors had us fill out a form, which got sent away and came back telling me to be a prison officer or a chiropodist! I am neither a prison officer, nor a chiropodist, and I'd struggle to think of any two jobs I'd hate more...)
posted by penguin pie at 10:42 AM on January 21 [1 favorite]
I just don't see where you've made a mistake. You followed a path that seemed a decent one at the time. Now you know you want something different and you're exploring how to make it happen. Seems great to me.
As everyone else has said, career changes are the norm, they don't make you a weird exception or a failure. The fact you're actually acting on the fact you no longer enjoy it, and looking for another path, is pretty much a definition of success, I'd say. Far better than languishing for decades more in the career that's not serving you now.
(FWIW, I was fortunate enough to have kind, attentive parents, but had zero career guidance or planning. They were very happy to leave me to work out my own path, and it just never occurred to me to go to the careers service at my Uni. My school careers advisors had us fill out a form, which got sent away and came back telling me to be a prison officer or a chiropodist! I am neither a prison officer, nor a chiropodist, and I'd struggle to think of any two jobs I'd hate more...)
posted by penguin pie at 10:42 AM on January 21 [1 favorite]
Everyone has said really helpful stuff. I would add: if you're feeling daunted by the prospect of finding something new, that is normal. Don't mistake that discomfort for "evidence" that your prior career was a mistake, and feel you need to forgive yourself for that mistake (or that doing so will relieve that discomfort-it won't, really). I don't think people need to apologize to themselves when they make a lateral move from a path that ends to a new one.
posted by Kemma80 at 3:14 PM on January 21
posted by Kemma80 at 3:14 PM on January 21
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It's totally understandable to feel like you wasted a lot of time. But presumably, you've learned a lot about yourself and what you want from a job and what sort of people you want to work with, and ideally you've built something useful or helped some people who needed help along the way. This is all most people ever get to aspire to from their careers.
I'm in the thick of this too, and I'm also beating myself up. I don't know what I'll do next. And I feel like I'm going to start from scratch, probably, if I ever even manage to find another job, and I guess in some sense I am. But you know what? Occasionally I'll read a job description and think, "wow, when I was 25 I would have given my right arm to get this job, and now I would literally rather lie down on the road and let cars drive over me," and boy, that feels like growth. I know so much more about what I don't want, what won't feel good, how I like to spend my hours, what kind of work I shine in. And I think there's no way some of that learning won't translate to a new field.
posted by potrzebie at 10:53 AM on January 20 [16 favorites]