I want to end the cycle of managing my living space
December 30, 2024 5:37 AM Subscribe
I am a middle aged lady and for as long as I can remember, I have been in a cycle of endlessly cleaning and organizing my living space.
Certain places (my work area, a potential exercise room) are almost never available for use because they are awash in piles. I can occasionally and briefly manage to make the house nice and welcoming (eg for thanksgiving and my daughters graduation party I got (most of) the house clean and tidy (apart from one terrible room with random stuff shoved in it) and my loved ones and I enjoyed our beautiful home for a happy interlude. But I messed them up again within a few days.)
Most days I am “cleaning” for 2-3 hours a day. I have tried systems like Fly Lady and I began Marie Kondo but didn’t stick with the program. The overall situation of “house as a work in progress” has remained more or less the same. For years.
I so want to have a tidy, comfortable, lovely home that my family and I just LIVE in. I want to actually spend my time creating (my job is mostly work at home and I have achieved much less then I could have because of this endless cycle of cleaning and organizing and re-messing) and in company with friends and loved ones (I often choose not to have people over because things are on the messy side, and I spend the time cleaning instead). I want this to change.
I do have diagnosed ADHD for which I take medicine. We have cleaning help 1-2 times per month and I often have to tell them to “skip areas A B and C because they are too messy today”.
I would love to hear from anyone who recognizes themselves in my description, and/or anyone who has advice for how I might get out of this cycle. I welcome both specific and nitty gritty advice and more big picture insight. Thanks in advance.
Certain places (my work area, a potential exercise room) are almost never available for use because they are awash in piles. I can occasionally and briefly manage to make the house nice and welcoming (eg for thanksgiving and my daughters graduation party I got (most of) the house clean and tidy (apart from one terrible room with random stuff shoved in it) and my loved ones and I enjoyed our beautiful home for a happy interlude. But I messed them up again within a few days.)
Most days I am “cleaning” for 2-3 hours a day. I have tried systems like Fly Lady and I began Marie Kondo but didn’t stick with the program. The overall situation of “house as a work in progress” has remained more or less the same. For years.
I so want to have a tidy, comfortable, lovely home that my family and I just LIVE in. I want to actually spend my time creating (my job is mostly work at home and I have achieved much less then I could have because of this endless cycle of cleaning and organizing and re-messing) and in company with friends and loved ones (I often choose not to have people over because things are on the messy side, and I spend the time cleaning instead). I want this to change.
I do have diagnosed ADHD for which I take medicine. We have cleaning help 1-2 times per month and I often have to tell them to “skip areas A B and C because they are too messy today”.
I would love to hear from anyone who recognizes themselves in my description, and/or anyone who has advice for how I might get out of this cycle. I welcome both specific and nitty gritty advice and more big picture insight. Thanks in advance.
Actually I lied. The thing that helped me MOST was realizing that I was literally never once in my life taught skills for how to not pile things up, because my parents have hoarding problems. When I realized that there wasn't anything wrong with me I just was lacking a learned skill, it became a discrete problem that I could solve.
posted by phunniemee at 5:52 AM on December 30 [55 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 5:52 AM on December 30 [55 favorites]
I've conquered a few of the piles in my life by...sticking a tray under them. I try to work with my brain/my household's habits rather than against them when possible, so if we have decided that mail lives on the dining room table, who am I to argue. A box can at least corral things.
This works especially nicely for things like bathroom countertops, because when things need a wipe down I can move the tray over rather than have to put away the things that clearly want to live on the counter.
posted by heyforfour at 5:54 AM on December 30 [13 favorites]
This works especially nicely for things like bathroom countertops, because when things need a wipe down I can move the tray over rather than have to put away the things that clearly want to live on the counter.
posted by heyforfour at 5:54 AM on December 30 [13 favorites]
Can you explain what you’re doing in more detail when you’re cleaning 2-3 hours/day? That number sounds high to me, so it makes me wonder. Are you tidying? Vacuuming? I am considered a relatively clean person and I spend maybe 30 minutes daily wiping down surfaces, sweeping, and putting things away in the kitchen/dining/ living room. I do a big clean on the weekend but it’s just a few hours for the whole house.
Would it be helpful to spend some time observing yourself and the process of how things are getting “messy” in the first place? My suspicion is that either you haven’t found satisfactory “homes” for the stuff in your house and/or you might be “clutter blind”? People are really different in how they relate to their surroundings. My daughter genuinely doesn’t care if her clothes are all over floor but I would find it distressing. If it’s bothering you to the point where you’re not having people over, it does seem worth trying something different. I find that I need to assign locations for items in a way that’s intuitive for me, so I don’t have to think about where to put things away and I don’t struggle to find them. So like, hats and mittens are in a bin in the coat closet. Cookbooks all go on a shelf in the kitchen. Good luck!
posted by chocotaco at 6:05 AM on December 30 [7 favorites]
Would it be helpful to spend some time observing yourself and the process of how things are getting “messy” in the first place? My suspicion is that either you haven’t found satisfactory “homes” for the stuff in your house and/or you might be “clutter blind”? People are really different in how they relate to their surroundings. My daughter genuinely doesn’t care if her clothes are all over floor but I would find it distressing. If it’s bothering you to the point where you’re not having people over, it does seem worth trying something different. I find that I need to assign locations for items in a way that’s intuitive for me, so I don’t have to think about where to put things away and I don’t struggle to find them. So like, hats and mittens are in a bin in the coat closet. Cookbooks all go on a shelf in the kitchen. Good luck!
posted by chocotaco at 6:05 AM on December 30 [7 favorites]
How many other people do you live with and do they help clean?
posted by capricorn at 6:07 AM on December 30 [20 favorites]
posted by capricorn at 6:07 AM on December 30 [20 favorites]
Also how much of the mess do the other people generate?
posted by trig at 6:15 AM on December 30 [10 favorites]
posted by trig at 6:15 AM on December 30 [10 favorites]
Best answer: Hi! I'm a late-diagnosed ADHD person who struggles (SO hard) with keeping the house/apartment livable. I can't claim that anything works perfectly and I still tend to have Stuff Everywhere, but here's what's helped for me:
posted by specialagentwebb at 6:16 AM on December 30 [30 favorites]
- Embrace half-assing. You can empty half the dishwasher and do the rest later. A quick vacuum around the edges of a room is better than leaving it until you've got energy to do The Whole Thing.
- Unlearn "supposed to". You were probably taught growing up that there's a certain way to clean things, a certain way you're supposed to keep things tidy. "Just put things away when you're done!" "Just wash dishes as soon as you use them." Ignore that and figure out what actually works for you, even if it seems ridiculous.
- How to Keep House While Drowning, by KC Davis. A complete mind-shift about how and why we make spaces work, and about how to treat ourselves compassionately while we do this.
- As noted above, everything should have a home, and you can let those things dictate where the home is. Laundry accumulates in the bathroom? Put a hamper there; another in the bedroom, a third in the kitchen for towels. Bin by the door for junk mail.
- Minimize annoyances. Figure out why things aren't making their way to their homes, and fix it. If coats end up tossed over a chair because the hangers are a tiny level of annoyance too much, put up hooks.
- Mostly, be kind about it. Most homes are in-progress. There's unwashed dishes, there's laundry on the floor. This just happens and the more you judge yourself for it, the more the cleaning feels like a punishment.
posted by specialagentwebb at 6:16 AM on December 30 [30 favorites]
What makes all the difference for me is not having more stuff than my space can comfortably handle. The follow on results of this are that everything can have a designated place and so straightening becomes easy rather than a game that I'm destined to lose.
Reducing the amount of stuff in my house has happened over time. So maybe you could pick one area of your home or category of stuff and take an initial sweep through of minimizing. Don't aim for perfection — rather target the lowest hanging fruit. Live with the results for a few weeks and see how it feels to have that little extra breathing room where you can more easily tidy. Then take another sweep through and see if you are inspired to get rid of more stuff you don't need or want.
(I live by myself so recognize that living with others might make this a more complicated task.)
posted by mcduff at 6:18 AM on December 30 [6 favorites]
Reducing the amount of stuff in my house has happened over time. So maybe you could pick one area of your home or category of stuff and take an initial sweep through of minimizing. Don't aim for perfection — rather target the lowest hanging fruit. Live with the results for a few weeks and see how it feels to have that little extra breathing room where you can more easily tidy. Then take another sweep through and see if you are inspired to get rid of more stuff you don't need or want.
(I live by myself so recognize that living with others might make this a more complicated task.)
posted by mcduff at 6:18 AM on December 30 [6 favorites]
Best answer: I grew up with piles everywhere and married a piler. Then I lived for about 15-18 years without piles, including with young kids. They are lightly re-entering my life right now because we have an overstuffed house of people right now and one of our key rooms is being used differently. All of which is to say, I get you and there is hope.
Anyways there are critical components.
1. Less stuff in general. That’s it. You need bookcases with half empty shelves and cupboards with space in them for more things. You’re aiming for 75% full. I am terrible at this, partly due to the size of my home vs. the number of people with stuff in it. But that way, when you are holding something, there’s a place for i right there. If you need it in view (like my spouse), then shelves are the solution.
I spend New Year’s Day and Canada Day decluttering, and my family
2. A barrier to new stuff. Here were the things that changed my life (you don’t have to do this, just sharing.)
I only subscribe to news and periodicals online. Bill payments are the same. I have a wood box that goes by the door and a recycling bin not far and all mail goes in the box and all flyers go immediately into recycling; I don’t keep any of them for even a day.
I have a craft cupboard and admittedly I also have some storage for canvases and rolls of paper. But what doesn’t fit in there cannot be a hobby. If I want to start a hobby then another stash has to go. I gave away allllll my embroidery stuff and have no regrets; ditto some other things.
When people give me things, I donate them. Sometimes like I bring them home and put them in the donation bag right away. This includes books.
ETA: I don’t shop recreationally.
I have a “one in, one out” rule for clothes, cookbooks, and other things.
After a “season” of my life, like after I recovered from breaking my leg, I try to clear out that season. It’s so tempting to keep the crutches. But maybe someone else needs them whereas I might need them again in 10? Years. It’s hard to trust there will be crutches, but go for it. (This is my internal dialogue.)
3. Every single night before bed I spend 15 minutes putting things away.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:21 AM on December 30 [34 favorites]
Anyways there are critical components.
1. Less stuff in general. That’s it. You need bookcases with half empty shelves and cupboards with space in them for more things. You’re aiming for 75% full. I am terrible at this, partly due to the size of my home vs. the number of people with stuff in it. But that way, when you are holding something, there’s a place for i right there. If you need it in view (like my spouse), then shelves are the solution.
I spend New Year’s Day and Canada Day decluttering, and my family
2. A barrier to new stuff. Here were the things that changed my life (you don’t have to do this, just sharing.)
I only subscribe to news and periodicals online. Bill payments are the same. I have a wood box that goes by the door and a recycling bin not far and all mail goes in the box and all flyers go immediately into recycling; I don’t keep any of them for even a day.
I have a craft cupboard and admittedly I also have some storage for canvases and rolls of paper. But what doesn’t fit in there cannot be a hobby. If I want to start a hobby then another stash has to go. I gave away allllll my embroidery stuff and have no regrets; ditto some other things.
When people give me things, I donate them. Sometimes like I bring them home and put them in the donation bag right away. This includes books.
ETA: I don’t shop recreationally.
I have a “one in, one out” rule for clothes, cookbooks, and other things.
After a “season” of my life, like after I recovered from breaking my leg, I try to clear out that season. It’s so tempting to keep the crutches. But maybe someone else needs them whereas I might need them again in 10? Years. It’s hard to trust there will be crutches, but go for it. (This is my internal dialogue.)
3. Every single night before bed I spend 15 minutes putting things away.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:21 AM on December 30 [34 favorites]
I am co-signing every comment above! And expanding on “if there’s a pile, stick something under it / around it” -
Identify the highest priority piles (eg the ones that take up e most space or hours in the day or week) and tackle those first.
For me it’s ALWAYS clothes. So me personally dealing with the problem piles hasn’t been so much mail on the dining room table, but more giant piles of laundry EVERYWHERE. So the containers that made the most difference to me was getting 3x more laundry baskets than a “normal” person would have. I have different materials, shapes, ones w drawers and ones without. And they live EVERYWHERE in my house that clothes pile up. Hallways, living room, office. Doesn’t matter if it doesn’t make sense to anyone else, because at least now the laundry is easily portable and way less overwhelming (and it was going to live in those locations anyway).
Sometimes I hate the plastic ones with drawers and sometimes the piles like to live in different locations for a few months and sometimes I only want to use the prettiest ones. I don’t question it anymore, I just have containers that can easily accommodate the Wishes of the Piles without too much fuss.
If you can put on the lens of “I don’t really have to change my habits so much” (which is super overwhelming for ADHDers and we tend to be all or nothing / perfectionist about it) to “make a game of finding the biggest pile and coming up with a creative solution for it” it will go much faster and more easily!
posted by seemoorglass at 6:42 AM on December 30 [8 favorites]
Identify the highest priority piles (eg the ones that take up e most space or hours in the day or week) and tackle those first.
For me it’s ALWAYS clothes. So me personally dealing with the problem piles hasn’t been so much mail on the dining room table, but more giant piles of laundry EVERYWHERE. So the containers that made the most difference to me was getting 3x more laundry baskets than a “normal” person would have. I have different materials, shapes, ones w drawers and ones without. And they live EVERYWHERE in my house that clothes pile up. Hallways, living room, office. Doesn’t matter if it doesn’t make sense to anyone else, because at least now the laundry is easily portable and way less overwhelming (and it was going to live in those locations anyway).
Sometimes I hate the plastic ones with drawers and sometimes the piles like to live in different locations for a few months and sometimes I only want to use the prettiest ones. I don’t question it anymore, I just have containers that can easily accommodate the Wishes of the Piles without too much fuss.
If you can put on the lens of “I don’t really have to change my habits so much” (which is super overwhelming for ADHDers and we tend to be all or nothing / perfectionist about it) to “make a game of finding the biggest pile and coming up with a creative solution for it” it will go much faster and more easily!
posted by seemoorglass at 6:42 AM on December 30 [8 favorites]
I’m in my forties and live alone (with two cats), and I am terrible with housework. I am a clutter person in a small house with no storage who likes lots of hobbies, and right now I do have piles going on. What are your worst piles? Mine are clothes and craft supplies. For clothing, I recently put wooden pegs in a line close to the ceiling to hang my “not dirty but not clean” clothes and that’s helped keep things off the floor. I also have packed away seasonal and clothes that don’t really fit into tubs under the bed. I’m currently reclaiming my one closet from the boxes of items I kept from college and high school that I truly do not need and have barely ever looked at. For crafting stuff, buying some shelving and nice boxes have helped.
For maintenance cleaning every few days, I follow an abbreviated unfuck your habitat method of: gather trash first, put all dishes at least in the sink, floordrobe consolidation, sweep and vacuum floors. After that I just try to do “commercial break” cleaning, where I pick one thing (a table top, a drawer, the toilet) and spend like five minutes on it.
Generally, I just find my time is better spent doing other things than cleaning, and try not to give myself a hard time. Most people who come to my house do not mind a little clutter, and I’m of the opinion that if they’re judging me, that’s their problem.
posted by oomny at 6:48 AM on December 30 [3 favorites]
For maintenance cleaning every few days, I follow an abbreviated unfuck your habitat method of: gather trash first, put all dishes at least in the sink, floordrobe consolidation, sweep and vacuum floors. After that I just try to do “commercial break” cleaning, where I pick one thing (a table top, a drawer, the toilet) and spend like five minutes on it.
Generally, I just find my time is better spent doing other things than cleaning, and try not to give myself a hard time. Most people who come to my house do not mind a little clutter, and I’m of the opinion that if they’re judging me, that’s their problem.
posted by oomny at 6:48 AM on December 30 [3 favorites]
Oh and the above system now means that when guests DO come over, it’s as simple as corralling the containers and sticking them somewhere unobtrusive. I cannot overstate how much easier it is to manage large piles of stuff in a container vs. not in a container.
One last suggestion - I have made a point to invite people over when I’m really trying to keep my space tidy. Ie instead of thinking “how do I keep my space clean consistently - once I hack it, I can have people over more!” I think “better invite someone over this weekend to force myself to tidy up!” It means I avoid the shame / procrastinating / isolation cycle that can otherwise rear up way too quickly. And worst case, if I’m really stuck with a particular issue of clutter, the person coming over can help me unstick it.*
*for me, getting the hang of accommodating my home organization struggles, it has oddly been really important to clean house SOCIALLY as well. I no longer have friends who are going to judge me if they come over and need to help me get out of a messy spiral of “ahhh I don’t know how to clear this last room / pile”. And that understand that I MUST ride the momentum of their visit to do laundry when they are at my home or I will not be able to do it once they leave.
Everyone who doesn’t fit that criteria is no longer my friend. No big falling out or bad wishes but I just don’t have time or energy to entertain those people. And now my home is more organized :)
TLDR don’t fight your brain’s natural tendencies
posted by seemoorglass at 6:50 AM on December 30 [3 favorites]
One last suggestion - I have made a point to invite people over when I’m really trying to keep my space tidy. Ie instead of thinking “how do I keep my space clean consistently - once I hack it, I can have people over more!” I think “better invite someone over this weekend to force myself to tidy up!” It means I avoid the shame / procrastinating / isolation cycle that can otherwise rear up way too quickly. And worst case, if I’m really stuck with a particular issue of clutter, the person coming over can help me unstick it.*
*for me, getting the hang of accommodating my home organization struggles, it has oddly been really important to clean house SOCIALLY as well. I no longer have friends who are going to judge me if they come over and need to help me get out of a messy spiral of “ahhh I don’t know how to clear this last room / pile”. And that understand that I MUST ride the momentum of their visit to do laundry when they are at my home or I will not be able to do it once they leave.
Everyone who doesn’t fit that criteria is no longer my friend. No big falling out or bad wishes but I just don’t have time or energy to entertain those people. And now my home is more organized :)
TLDR don’t fight your brain’s natural tendencies
posted by seemoorglass at 6:50 AM on December 30 [3 favorites]
Fundamentally, you have too many things to fit in your house. It's not possible for the space to be clean if things don't all have a place they can be retrieved from and put back into reasonably easily. If you switch your cleaning time to culling possessions, it will pay off massively.
posted by Ausamor at 6:52 AM on December 30 [7 favorites]
posted by Ausamor at 6:52 AM on December 30 [7 favorites]
Response by poster: Can you explain what you’re doing in more detail when you’re cleaning 2-3 hours/day?
It varies. Stuff like: wipe down surfaces and spray essential oil spray around to make house smell nice; brush cat hair off couch and chairs; vacuum cat hair off of stairs; go through piles on one desk surface, process some and move the rest to other desk surface; wipe down desk surface; wipe down monitor surfaces; try and process piles that are on second desk surface and usually get stuck on several things which I then just leave there; collect stuff that belongs upstairs and take it up; make bed; neaten up mess on bedside table; put away robe and dirty clothes and lotion and other random stuff that I strewed about the day/night before; wipe down counters in bathroom.... etc etc. Most places that I move around in my house have at least one pile, and so I inevitably engage with at least some of them along the way (adding to or removing objects).
How many other people do you live with and do they help clean?
One husband. He has his own home office and basement work room that I don't enter and that he keeps tidy. He does not really contribute to the clutter/mess in the rest of the house. It is probably relevant that this was originally my house; when we met, he lived in another city, in a studio apartment that was organized but (to my taste) not at all comfortable or beautiful. It was dusty and smelled vaguely mildewy. He did not/does not mind that kind of environment at all. As I mentioned in my post, I work at home; he works outside of the home and is happy to let me make the house the way that I want. He does lots of home repair and pretty much maintains our garden. I know that he would gladly help me with projects or ongoing cleaning but I don't want him to enter into my cycles of "trying to make the house nice".
One adult son who has no stuff here and who is very considerate and helpful when he visits 1-2 times per year. One college age daughter who still has a bunch of stuff here, mostly in "her room", which gets quite messy when she visits on breaks.
Maybe relevant: the house that I grew up in was neither comfortable nor beautiful. There was a lot of anger and abuse and control and it was the opposite of a haven. Since childhood I have longed to live in a place that I felt safe, that looked and smelled wonderful, where I could be happy with friends and family. I do have a very loving and supportive husband and great kids. Life is good. But I am still on this f%*&ing treadmill of trying to create the house that I dreamed of and I so want it to end.
posted by GentlyReflecting at 7:00 AM on December 30 [12 favorites]
It varies. Stuff like: wipe down surfaces and spray essential oil spray around to make house smell nice; brush cat hair off couch and chairs; vacuum cat hair off of stairs; go through piles on one desk surface, process some and move the rest to other desk surface; wipe down desk surface; wipe down monitor surfaces; try and process piles that are on second desk surface and usually get stuck on several things which I then just leave there; collect stuff that belongs upstairs and take it up; make bed; neaten up mess on bedside table; put away robe and dirty clothes and lotion and other random stuff that I strewed about the day/night before; wipe down counters in bathroom.... etc etc. Most places that I move around in my house have at least one pile, and so I inevitably engage with at least some of them along the way (adding to or removing objects).
How many other people do you live with and do they help clean?
One husband. He has his own home office and basement work room that I don't enter and that he keeps tidy. He does not really contribute to the clutter/mess in the rest of the house. It is probably relevant that this was originally my house; when we met, he lived in another city, in a studio apartment that was organized but (to my taste) not at all comfortable or beautiful. It was dusty and smelled vaguely mildewy. He did not/does not mind that kind of environment at all. As I mentioned in my post, I work at home; he works outside of the home and is happy to let me make the house the way that I want. He does lots of home repair and pretty much maintains our garden. I know that he would gladly help me with projects or ongoing cleaning but I don't want him to enter into my cycles of "trying to make the house nice".
One adult son who has no stuff here and who is very considerate and helpful when he visits 1-2 times per year. One college age daughter who still has a bunch of stuff here, mostly in "her room", which gets quite messy when she visits on breaks.
Maybe relevant: the house that I grew up in was neither comfortable nor beautiful. There was a lot of anger and abuse and control and it was the opposite of a haven. Since childhood I have longed to live in a place that I felt safe, that looked and smelled wonderful, where I could be happy with friends and family. I do have a very loving and supportive husband and great kids. Life is good. But I am still on this f%*&ing treadmill of trying to create the house that I dreamed of and I so want it to end.
posted by GentlyReflecting at 7:00 AM on December 30 [12 favorites]
I really disagree with the (often neurotypical, often judgmental and moralizing) idea that the only way to have a manageable house is to be a minimalist / cull possessions frequently.
Of course I support anyone who would like to pare down to more manageable # of possessions and will never discourage anyone from doing that.
But I’d caution that trying to become that person overnight, if the ADHDer is focusing solely on doing culling from a place of “this is how I will become normal!” is often the equivalent of a crash diet. It feels great short term, you have a brief moment of “omg I’m finally FREE of my old ways and old stuff! I can sustain this forever!” and then the deep rooted patterns arise again and all the detritus comes back.
So few neurotypical people understand that some people’s brains just cannot reasonably function if there are only a few essentials and everything is “put away neatly” all the time. As phunniemee mentioned, many people NEED to see their items visually to remember to use them, and to cut down on hours of searching / putting away every day, and/or from the unique phenomenon of understimulation that many ADHDers have (there is a reason every adhd person you know has at least 5 hobbies!)
I too come from a family of hoarders and I have seen firsthand that the members with the worst hoarding problems are the ones that pretend they don’t have those tendencies. Every few months (or in really tough stretches, every few YEARS) they miserably dig themselves out from isolation and cluttered chaos, purge a ton of items, avoid the work of accepting they will always have a sizable amount of items (due to their unique needs for visual and hobby stimulation), avoid the work of accommodating themselves with unique solutions, and then slowly fall into chaos again accruing more things without homes. The cycle repeats endlessly and there is so much shame, resistance and judgment. Yet these are the people who have internalized that once they get the hang of “just having less stuff”, they will have it all figured out. I’m talking 5+ decades of self delusion and self bullying on this topic.
The family members who accept “yes I own a lot of things bc I have a lot of hobbies and yes I have a lot of clothes bc sometimes I CANNOT do laundry for weeks” tend to have more livable, sociable, stress free lives. Interestingly, these people (including me) are all from the younger generations. (Perhaps there’s a correlation between generational acceptance of neurodiversity and ability to accommodate oneself without so much judgment…)
Again, I’m in favor of throwing away junk, but please don’t dive directly into the deep end of just purging things to try to live up to judgy ideals and ignoring the way your brain is ACTUALLY wired.
posted by seemoorglass at 7:10 AM on December 30 [25 favorites]
Of course I support anyone who would like to pare down to more manageable # of possessions and will never discourage anyone from doing that.
But I’d caution that trying to become that person overnight, if the ADHDer is focusing solely on doing culling from a place of “this is how I will become normal!” is often the equivalent of a crash diet. It feels great short term, you have a brief moment of “omg I’m finally FREE of my old ways and old stuff! I can sustain this forever!” and then the deep rooted patterns arise again and all the detritus comes back.
So few neurotypical people understand that some people’s brains just cannot reasonably function if there are only a few essentials and everything is “put away neatly” all the time. As phunniemee mentioned, many people NEED to see their items visually to remember to use them, and to cut down on hours of searching / putting away every day, and/or from the unique phenomenon of understimulation that many ADHDers have (there is a reason every adhd person you know has at least 5 hobbies!)
I too come from a family of hoarders and I have seen firsthand that the members with the worst hoarding problems are the ones that pretend they don’t have those tendencies. Every few months (or in really tough stretches, every few YEARS) they miserably dig themselves out from isolation and cluttered chaos, purge a ton of items, avoid the work of accepting they will always have a sizable amount of items (due to their unique needs for visual and hobby stimulation), avoid the work of accommodating themselves with unique solutions, and then slowly fall into chaos again accruing more things without homes. The cycle repeats endlessly and there is so much shame, resistance and judgment. Yet these are the people who have internalized that once they get the hang of “just having less stuff”, they will have it all figured out. I’m talking 5+ decades of self delusion and self bullying on this topic.
The family members who accept “yes I own a lot of things bc I have a lot of hobbies and yes I have a lot of clothes bc sometimes I CANNOT do laundry for weeks” tend to have more livable, sociable, stress free lives. Interestingly, these people (including me) are all from the younger generations. (Perhaps there’s a correlation between generational acceptance of neurodiversity and ability to accommodate oneself without so much judgment…)
Again, I’m in favor of throwing away junk, but please don’t dive directly into the deep end of just purging things to try to live up to judgy ideals and ignoring the way your brain is ACTUALLY wired.
posted by seemoorglass at 7:10 AM on December 30 [25 favorites]
Embrace half-assing.
A mantra I've really embraced is anything worth doing is worth half-assing.
I suspect I have some mild OCD, so much I changed my health insurance at open enrollment so I can get an assessment this year. One of my big problems is that my brain has decided that there's a particular order that actions need to occur in, and so even if I see something I could improve, if I haven't addressed the 16 imaginary steps that come before it I can't start it. This affects me not just in housekeeping but in life.
And so yes, I have really embraced half assing. If I think it needs to be done so I can move forward, even putting the absolute minimum of effort into it can help to get past that hurdle. Perfect is the enemy of the good, etc etc.
posted by phunniemee at 7:11 AM on December 30 [11 favorites]
A mantra I've really embraced is anything worth doing is worth half-assing.
I suspect I have some mild OCD, so much I changed my health insurance at open enrollment so I can get an assessment this year. One of my big problems is that my brain has decided that there's a particular order that actions need to occur in, and so even if I see something I could improve, if I haven't addressed the 16 imaginary steps that come before it I can't start it. This affects me not just in housekeeping but in life.
And so yes, I have really embraced half assing. If I think it needs to be done so I can move forward, even putting the absolute minimum of effort into it can help to get past that hurdle. Perfect is the enemy of the good, etc etc.
posted by phunniemee at 7:11 AM on December 30 [11 favorites]
You could hire a professional to see your situation in person who can offer advice, help declutter and offer strategies for maintaining a clutter free home. We have several woman locally who offer this service. You could try googling or checking local social media groups.
posted by j810c at 7:15 AM on December 30 [6 favorites]
posted by j810c at 7:15 AM on December 30 [6 favorites]
Best answer: The cycle repeats endlessly and there is so much shame, resistance and judgment. Yet these are the people who have internalized that once they get the hang of “just having less stuff”, they will have it all figured out. I’m talking 5+ decades of self delusion and self bullying on this topic.
I'm a child of hoarders, and my mum abused me in the name of cleaning (and put the blame on her kids, which, after we both moved out, turned out to be incredibly obviously not true.)
I cannot speak to the OP's ADHD and brain.
But for mine, having a restful home, which for me means no piles of stuff places (but can mean having them visible), has been incredibly healing. For me personally, I was raised to keep everything - to live in a true scarcity mindset. Learning that I am not my stuff, my joys are not tied to past hobby materials, and that you don't have to fill every space has been an absolute game changer.
Again for me, a lot of that was seeing peace as not letting stuff I don't want in, as opposed to continually handling the stuff. At least 50% of the things other people give me or that come into my life are things I don't actually want or need, or don't need or want 3 years later. If someone else is different, that's great. But I only came to that through pain, like, I had to really hate how there was stuff in every corner before I addressed it.
It is also totally okay to not do that; I have friends and family I adore whose homes are cluttered and that does not bother me at all; it's their stuff and their home! - but that's not what the OP asked.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:30 AM on December 30 [10 favorites]
I'm a child of hoarders, and my mum abused me in the name of cleaning (and put the blame on her kids, which, after we both moved out, turned out to be incredibly obviously not true.)
I cannot speak to the OP's ADHD and brain.
But for mine, having a restful home, which for me means no piles of stuff places (but can mean having them visible), has been incredibly healing. For me personally, I was raised to keep everything - to live in a true scarcity mindset. Learning that I am not my stuff, my joys are not tied to past hobby materials, and that you don't have to fill every space has been an absolute game changer.
Again for me, a lot of that was seeing peace as not letting stuff I don't want in, as opposed to continually handling the stuff. At least 50% of the things other people give me or that come into my life are things I don't actually want or need, or don't need or want 3 years later. If someone else is different, that's great. But I only came to that through pain, like, I had to really hate how there was stuff in every corner before I addressed it.
It is also totally okay to not do that; I have friends and family I adore whose homes are cluttered and that does not bother me at all; it's their stuff and their home! - but that's not what the OP asked.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:30 AM on December 30 [10 favorites]
Best answer: Definitely check out KC Davies who writes and posts about cleaning and organising a house while having ADHD. It’s amazing advice and takes the shame out of the equation. There’s a lot of free advice on her Instagram to read first before deciding if you want the book, boards, etc.
posted by atlantica at 7:32 AM on December 30 [6 favorites]
posted by atlantica at 7:32 AM on December 30 [6 favorites]
Best answer: I’m pretty similar to you (ask me the last time my desk was usable) and I’m not saying I have it all figured out, but from the list of what you describe doing every day it sounds like one major issue is that you don’t put things back where they belong after using them. It’s a hard habit to get into, but if you can start practicing putting stuff back after using it - and this process includes deciding “wait, if I almost always use this in the living room why does it live in the bedroom, it should just stay in the living room in a dedicated space” - you may be happier.
Also, unless allergies are involved, maybe cut down on the time you spend dusting/wiping down surfaces. Maybe I’m gross, but for me that is not a daily or even weekly activity, and it sounds like tackling the Stuff Problem should take precedence.
posted by showbiz_liz at 7:34 AM on December 30 [9 favorites]
Also, unless allergies are involved, maybe cut down on the time you spend dusting/wiping down surfaces. Maybe I’m gross, but for me that is not a daily or even weekly activity, and it sounds like tackling the Stuff Problem should take precedence.
posted by showbiz_liz at 7:34 AM on December 30 [9 favorites]
Best answer: Since childhood I have longed to live in a place that I felt safe, that looked and smelled wonderful, where I could be happy with friends and family.
Oh man I don't want to be all preachy but a big part of this is going to be recognizing the (kind of contradictory) truths of: you can't Better Homes & Gardens your way to peace. but also you already live there, don't you? This is your home where you live with people you love and make memories, and you made a safe and wonderful home for your children. Maybe the "smell wonderful" is coffee in the morning and cookies in the oven and pizza ordered late at night. Maybe "look wonderful" is seeing the cat more than the cat hair and having bits of your hobbies everywhere to remind you why you like them. Such a big mental hurdle to keeping things "managed" is getting out of that "I'm not doing this right, I haven't cracked Being Tidy yet" mindset so that you can spend your energy more on restoring function and less on self-recrimination. So find things you already love about your home, and focus your attentions on capturing and expanding that.
There's a comment SOMEWHERE on mefi where someone said they regularly buy flowers to put on the table, so they'll want to make the space around the table nice enough to match those flowers, and it's completely changed my thought process about how to motivate myself. Start with something beautiful, and you'll want that beauty to spread.
posted by specialagentwebb at 7:45 AM on December 30 [27 favorites]
Oh man I don't want to be all preachy but a big part of this is going to be recognizing the (kind of contradictory) truths of: you can't Better Homes & Gardens your way to peace. but also you already live there, don't you? This is your home where you live with people you love and make memories, and you made a safe and wonderful home for your children. Maybe the "smell wonderful" is coffee in the morning and cookies in the oven and pizza ordered late at night. Maybe "look wonderful" is seeing the cat more than the cat hair and having bits of your hobbies everywhere to remind you why you like them. Such a big mental hurdle to keeping things "managed" is getting out of that "I'm not doing this right, I haven't cracked Being Tidy yet" mindset so that you can spend your energy more on restoring function and less on self-recrimination. So find things you already love about your home, and focus your attentions on capturing and expanding that.
There's a comment SOMEWHERE on mefi where someone said they regularly buy flowers to put on the table, so they'll want to make the space around the table nice enough to match those flowers, and it's completely changed my thought process about how to motivate myself. Start with something beautiful, and you'll want that beauty to spread.
posted by specialagentwebb at 7:45 AM on December 30 [27 favorites]
@warriorqueen - just want to note I was not meaning to subtweet your comment - I just saw multiple mentions of “culling” up thread, and that unlocked an immediate flood of memories around my own family dynamics, and our special, completely delulu, hellish relationship with that word.
posted by seemoorglass at 7:58 AM on December 30 [1 favorite]
posted by seemoorglass at 7:58 AM on December 30 [1 favorite]
Best answer: A few suggestions from someone who's Been There (and to some degree still Is There, especially when life piles up around the piles):
- Touch Once method. Accept that once you pick something up, it is never acceptable to put it into the same or another pile. (Cheat code: as indicated above, a pile in a neat and preferably movable-for-cleaning container is Not A Pile. Before you implement that, get a set of foldable cardboard boxes as your Temporarily Not A Pile-s.)
- Habit stacking. I only listen to podcasts when folding laundry or loading the dishwasher. Built in motivation to actually Do That. Try to find some way to make those maintenance chores pleasant so that clean laundry or three coffee cups do not evolve into a Pile in the first place.
- Invite people around more often. Yes, it's stressful, but that's ADHD for you - we need to hack our brains with external motivation if internal executive function is depleted. Look how well you've done when you did have that motivation.
- Speaking of hacking our brains, working with them not against them means more than just buying the right containers. Observe moments that trip you up and try to work out how you can make that particular process better. That can be storing supplies where they're used, but maybe getting other tools or splurging on an extra vacuum so that de-hairing the stairs doesn't involve going to find your single one in the laundry room in the basement. Or getting a good cat brush so that you de-hair the cat instead.
- In particular, you note you strew things around instead of putting them in their places. Try to work out why is that. Too much work to fold that robe perfectly -> 5 minutes with a nail and hammer to have a place to hang it instead. Nightstand overflowing -> buy one with more drawers or hang a basket for the lotion on the headboard.
- Hate to be that person, but yeah, therapy. Hopefully from a therapist who's neurodiversity-informed or neurodiverse themselves. ADHD is what we are, but societal ableism means we grow up with layers and layers of trauma and anxiety and neuroses even if we luck out into supportive families. If we had worse luck, unpacking it in therapy can be singularly helpful. Work out ways to hack your brain with an expert.
(Honestly not completing the Kondo-ing is what makes me recommend that. Marie Kondo's method is basically therapy for your relationship with stuff, especially letting go of who you were supposed to be. It's absolutely emotionally draining, I can never do it for more than two hours at a time, and not being able to complete the more involved stages like sentimental items is a flag that the problem isn't your cleaning technique.)
posted by I claim sanctuary at 8:43 AM on December 30 [8 favorites]
- Touch Once method. Accept that once you pick something up, it is never acceptable to put it into the same or another pile. (Cheat code: as indicated above, a pile in a neat and preferably movable-for-cleaning container is Not A Pile. Before you implement that, get a set of foldable cardboard boxes as your Temporarily Not A Pile-s.)
- Habit stacking. I only listen to podcasts when folding laundry or loading the dishwasher. Built in motivation to actually Do That. Try to find some way to make those maintenance chores pleasant so that clean laundry or three coffee cups do not evolve into a Pile in the first place.
- Invite people around more often. Yes, it's stressful, but that's ADHD for you - we need to hack our brains with external motivation if internal executive function is depleted. Look how well you've done when you did have that motivation.
- Speaking of hacking our brains, working with them not against them means more than just buying the right containers. Observe moments that trip you up and try to work out how you can make that particular process better. That can be storing supplies where they're used, but maybe getting other tools or splurging on an extra vacuum so that de-hairing the stairs doesn't involve going to find your single one in the laundry room in the basement. Or getting a good cat brush so that you de-hair the cat instead.
- In particular, you note you strew things around instead of putting them in their places. Try to work out why is that. Too much work to fold that robe perfectly -> 5 minutes with a nail and hammer to have a place to hang it instead. Nightstand overflowing -> buy one with more drawers or hang a basket for the lotion on the headboard.
- Hate to be that person, but yeah, therapy. Hopefully from a therapist who's neurodiversity-informed or neurodiverse themselves. ADHD is what we are, but societal ableism means we grow up with layers and layers of trauma and anxiety and neuroses even if we luck out into supportive families. If we had worse luck, unpacking it in therapy can be singularly helpful. Work out ways to hack your brain with an expert.
(Honestly not completing the Kondo-ing is what makes me recommend that. Marie Kondo's method is basically therapy for your relationship with stuff, especially letting go of who you were supposed to be. It's absolutely emotionally draining, I can never do it for more than two hours at a time, and not being able to complete the more involved stages like sentimental items is a flag that the problem isn't your cleaning technique.)
posted by I claim sanctuary at 8:43 AM on December 30 [8 favorites]
Best answer: If possible, I would suggest separating “dealing with objects” from “cleaning the surfaces they’re on” as separate projects. Have a few days where you focus on figuring out the storage for an area, then dust and spray after it’s more sorted out. (If you want nice smells a candle will do way more than surface sprays.) The advice upthread about analyzing how the piles come to be (compassionately!) is good, and in my experience the dopamine hit of “ah, this works better this way!” when you add a shelf or container or basket or whatever is somewhat self-reinforcing. It’s a positive experience to feel your own agency about how things are configured.
posted by rivenwanderer at 9:00 AM on December 30 [7 favorites]
posted by rivenwanderer at 9:00 AM on December 30 [7 favorites]
Best answer: So much of the advice here has really helped me in the past, so mostly I just want to nth the following things:
1. Every object has a “home” where it belongs when things are Tidy.
1A. That home is as close to where the thing is used/where I thoughtlessly would put it down as possible. (Eg, books I am reading could live on the bookshelf in the living room, but usually I put them down on the coffee table. So now their “home” is the coffee table. See 1B)
1B. Trays and hooks and baskets and boxes turn Piles into Homes. Seriously. I used to spend 5-10 minutes a day straightening up my coffee table. Now, there is one tray that holds the remotes, my books-currently-being-read, a mini cup for trash, a tissue box, coasters, candle lighter, and back scratcher. Same for my nightstand, kitchen bar, bathroom counter, and work desk (with in boxes/out boxes for bills, etc.) Now when I look at those surfaces, I don’t see Piles, I see a clean space with one tray.
2. For all of the dusting and wiping down, I realized this was a problem to tackle further up stream. Better HVAC filters, window sealing, air purifiers in each room, brushing the cat more often, putting glass doors on my bookshelves, and a robot vacuum have all cut down on the amount of dust and grime that accumulates. This, plus the aforementioned Trays (which make it easier to do a quick surface wipe down, even if I do occasionally need to clean the stuff in the trays, but less often), has really helped.
3. Related to 1A, I try really really hard to put things back in their home immediately whenever possible. Part of this is making the home where you naturally use it or put it down, but also:
3A. Reconfiguring the steps of many tasks to work with my brain. For example, when my spouse cooks, they leave all the ingredients on the counter as they add them, then put away all the ingredients at the end. Bless them. They are correct that this is “more efficient.” But what I do is put every individual ingredient back in the pantry immediately after I add them. Does this mean more trips? Yes! But for some reason my brain categorizes those trips as “cooking” (fun!) and not “cleaning” (terrible!). Plus I am more likely to put each thing back where it belongs rather than shoving them all in higgeldy piggedly because my arms are full.
3B. Because “just put it away immediately” is often literally impossible (hello ADHD), I have stolen a mental trick from a fellow Mefi and mentally reframed some of my “putting things back where they live/home reset” time as “puttering.” This transforms it into something quaint and peaceful rather than something that is Cleaning Ugh Terrible. I usually do this while listening to music or a podcast, and I just wander around the house lazily picking things up, straightening things, and taking things home. It’s weirdly kind of nice? It’s easy, since everything has a place now, and is an opportunity to just look at and appreciate my living space and my things. It sounds a little grating to some people (like I am saying, just enjoy cleaning instead!), but something about “puttering” makes me feel like I am a gnome in a storybook arranging my precious objects and not a harried failure who can’t keep things together. I don’t know, it works for me.
posted by CtrlAltDelete at 9:28 AM on December 30 [41 favorites]
1. Every object has a “home” where it belongs when things are Tidy.
1A. That home is as close to where the thing is used/where I thoughtlessly would put it down as possible. (Eg, books I am reading could live on the bookshelf in the living room, but usually I put them down on the coffee table. So now their “home” is the coffee table. See 1B)
1B. Trays and hooks and baskets and boxes turn Piles into Homes. Seriously. I used to spend 5-10 minutes a day straightening up my coffee table. Now, there is one tray that holds the remotes, my books-currently-being-read, a mini cup for trash, a tissue box, coasters, candle lighter, and back scratcher. Same for my nightstand, kitchen bar, bathroom counter, and work desk (with in boxes/out boxes for bills, etc.) Now when I look at those surfaces, I don’t see Piles, I see a clean space with one tray.
2. For all of the dusting and wiping down, I realized this was a problem to tackle further up stream. Better HVAC filters, window sealing, air purifiers in each room, brushing the cat more often, putting glass doors on my bookshelves, and a robot vacuum have all cut down on the amount of dust and grime that accumulates. This, plus the aforementioned Trays (which make it easier to do a quick surface wipe down, even if I do occasionally need to clean the stuff in the trays, but less often), has really helped.
3. Related to 1A, I try really really hard to put things back in their home immediately whenever possible. Part of this is making the home where you naturally use it or put it down, but also:
3A. Reconfiguring the steps of many tasks to work with my brain. For example, when my spouse cooks, they leave all the ingredients on the counter as they add them, then put away all the ingredients at the end. Bless them. They are correct that this is “more efficient.” But what I do is put every individual ingredient back in the pantry immediately after I add them. Does this mean more trips? Yes! But for some reason my brain categorizes those trips as “cooking” (fun!) and not “cleaning” (terrible!). Plus I am more likely to put each thing back where it belongs rather than shoving them all in higgeldy piggedly because my arms are full.
3B. Because “just put it away immediately” is often literally impossible (hello ADHD), I have stolen a mental trick from a fellow Mefi and mentally reframed some of my “putting things back where they live/home reset” time as “puttering.” This transforms it into something quaint and peaceful rather than something that is Cleaning Ugh Terrible. I usually do this while listening to music or a podcast, and I just wander around the house lazily picking things up, straightening things, and taking things home. It’s weirdly kind of nice? It’s easy, since everything has a place now, and is an opportunity to just look at and appreciate my living space and my things. It sounds a little grating to some people (like I am saying, just enjoy cleaning instead!), but something about “puttering” makes me feel like I am a gnome in a storybook arranging my precious objects and not a harried failure who can’t keep things together. I don’t know, it works for me.
posted by CtrlAltDelete at 9:28 AM on December 30 [41 favorites]
Best answer: I have a raging (diagnosed and medicated) case of ADHD and this is my biggest struggle area, always has been. Things that help;
1. How to Keep House While Drowning or Struggle Care program by KC Davis
2. Not letting the perfect be the enemy of the good. Are the baseboards in my bathroom clean? Nope, but the toilet and sink are.
3. Avoiding side quests. If I'm collecting laundry to be washed, I am not stopping to put a pair of shoes away because then I am going to audit my shoes to see what I should donate to St. Vincent de Paul and then I'm going in the playroom to see what else could be donated and then I'm going to find a Christmas decoration and go put it in the basement and do we need salt for the water softener and now I'm at the hardware store and have been doing stuff for three hours but have nothing to "show" for it.
4. Upstairs basket and downstairs basket. At the bottom of our stairs is a basket for things that need to be put away upstairs. At the top of our stairs is a basket for things that need to be put away downstairs. If you're going up or down, something from the basket is coming with you.
5. Setting a timer, doing what I can, and being content with that. If I work on cleaning the kitchen counters for a half hour (which for my brain includes clearing them off first, wiping them down, organizing the spices, etc), I can be done when the timer goes off. Usually I want to finish, but if I'm tired, I'm tired and it is still better than it was.
6. Don't set it down, put it away! I have mail piles all over because I set them down. I need to process our mail over the garbage and recycling bin as soon as I bring it in the door. Otherwise it sits forever, I miss something important, and it creates a ton of visual clutter.
You are not alone in this and the more you do it, the better your habits will get. We also used to have a weekly cleaner which really helped, if that's something you could afford.
posted by notjustthefish at 9:28 AM on December 30 [7 favorites]
1. How to Keep House While Drowning or Struggle Care program by KC Davis
2. Not letting the perfect be the enemy of the good. Are the baseboards in my bathroom clean? Nope, but the toilet and sink are.
3. Avoiding side quests. If I'm collecting laundry to be washed, I am not stopping to put a pair of shoes away because then I am going to audit my shoes to see what I should donate to St. Vincent de Paul and then I'm going in the playroom to see what else could be donated and then I'm going to find a Christmas decoration and go put it in the basement and do we need salt for the water softener and now I'm at the hardware store and have been doing stuff for three hours but have nothing to "show" for it.
4. Upstairs basket and downstairs basket. At the bottom of our stairs is a basket for things that need to be put away upstairs. At the top of our stairs is a basket for things that need to be put away downstairs. If you're going up or down, something from the basket is coming with you.
5. Setting a timer, doing what I can, and being content with that. If I work on cleaning the kitchen counters for a half hour (which for my brain includes clearing them off first, wiping them down, organizing the spices, etc), I can be done when the timer goes off. Usually I want to finish, but if I'm tired, I'm tired and it is still better than it was.
6. Don't set it down, put it away! I have mail piles all over because I set them down. I need to process our mail over the garbage and recycling bin as soon as I bring it in the door. Otherwise it sits forever, I miss something important, and it creates a ton of visual clutter.
You are not alone in this and the more you do it, the better your habits will get. We also used to have a weekly cleaner which really helped, if that's something you could afford.
posted by notjustthefish at 9:28 AM on December 30 [7 favorites]
On the goal of keeping the house "ready" for friends to visit: depending on the layout, this just requires the living room (and maybe dinning room + kitchen), and a bathroom. And like others have said, they don't need to be spotless or completely without clutter, just passably pleasant enough. I definitely have to close off some rooms when friends come over!
I struggle with keeping things clean too, but a couple things that I find that help:
-If you are just doing a little each day, it's always a treadmill. On the weekend my partner and I ideally will spend more time than normal cleaning so that on Monday, our living space is at an ideal state for us (which is still more cluttered than what many might tolerate, but oh well).
-I also WFH three days a week, and on those days I take breaks from sitting to do 10-15min of cleaning throughout the day. It doesn't feel so much like a chore, to me anyway, when I'm doing it in spurts.
-Cleaning is a time to listen to music or a podcast. This makes it much more enjoyable to me.
posted by coffeecat at 9:55 AM on December 30
I struggle with keeping things clean too, but a couple things that I find that help:
-If you are just doing a little each day, it's always a treadmill. On the weekend my partner and I ideally will spend more time than normal cleaning so that on Monday, our living space is at an ideal state for us (which is still more cluttered than what many might tolerate, but oh well).
-I also WFH three days a week, and on those days I take breaks from sitting to do 10-15min of cleaning throughout the day. It doesn't feel so much like a chore, to me anyway, when I'm doing it in spurts.
-Cleaning is a time to listen to music or a podcast. This makes it much more enjoyable to me.
posted by coffeecat at 9:55 AM on December 30
Best answer: I have some ADHD tendencies, though relatively minor. My house has too much stuff in it, and right now I'm working in my home office surrounded by all kinds of junk that I find visually unpleasant. But my home is rarely more than an hour away from company-ready (albeit with bedroom/office doors closed!).
Nthing some of the things others have mentioned
- How To Keep House While Drowning
- baskets/trays/boxes
- timers and timeboxing
More on timers and timeboxing (i.e. restricting myself to only spending X minutes/hours on cleaning/picking up/a more specific task)
- I find it helps me focus on the quick wins - like seriously, now I always fold the sheets and towels in a laundry basket first, because the sheets and towels generally account for 80% of the volume of the laundry basket and take 20% of the effort compared to folding a lot of t-shirts, etc.
- Sometimes the timer helps me realize that traditionally-dreaded tasks don't take nearly as much time as I think they do, e.g. I always dreaded emptying the dishwasher and once I realized it NEVER takes me more than five minutes to empty the dishwasher it stopped looming so large in my To-Do list.
- The timer going off is a good opportunity to reassess what I'm doing - is this a good use of my time? do I find this particular work satisfying and/or do I believe it's going to contribute seriously to the overall vibe of the room/my home? is it time to move on to something else?
posted by mskyle at 10:13 AM on December 30 [3 favorites]
Nthing some of the things others have mentioned
- How To Keep House While Drowning
- baskets/trays/boxes
- timers and timeboxing
More on timers and timeboxing (i.e. restricting myself to only spending X minutes/hours on cleaning/picking up/a more specific task)
- I find it helps me focus on the quick wins - like seriously, now I always fold the sheets and towels in a laundry basket first, because the sheets and towels generally account for 80% of the volume of the laundry basket and take 20% of the effort compared to folding a lot of t-shirts, etc.
- Sometimes the timer helps me realize that traditionally-dreaded tasks don't take nearly as much time as I think they do, e.g. I always dreaded emptying the dishwasher and once I realized it NEVER takes me more than five minutes to empty the dishwasher it stopped looming so large in my To-Do list.
- The timer going off is a good opportunity to reassess what I'm doing - is this a good use of my time? do I find this particular work satisfying and/or do I believe it's going to contribute seriously to the overall vibe of the room/my home? is it time to move on to something else?
posted by mskyle at 10:13 AM on December 30 [3 favorites]
Reflecting some things that others have already said in other ways: Check out the Shakers and one of their principles, "Everything in its place and a place for every thing." They lived in communal/communistic settings so clutter was a recipe for community tension. So they created storage solutions for everything and enforced them. (Today their oval boxes and furnishings built for storage fetch handsome prices.) You don't have to study them at all, really, just remember that mantra they had and maybe think about applying it one room, or one area, or one shelf or surface, at a time.
posted by beagle at 10:29 AM on December 30 [2 favorites]
posted by beagle at 10:29 AM on December 30 [2 favorites]
Lots of good advice about dealing with piles of stuff above, but even if half your 2-3 hours per day is actual cleaning (rather than tidying), then that sounds like a huge amount of time to spend on cleaning, especially with only two people in the house and someone coming in to clean 1-2 times per month.
Can you cut down on cleaning time by lowering your standards a little? Something like wiping down a desk doesn't need to be done very frequently. If dust is an issue in your house, maybe you can address that with additional air filtration so there is less dust settling on surfaces. Could you get a robot vacuum/mop to cut down on floor cleaning time? Are you spending a lot of time washing dishes?
If you want to share how frequently you are doing certain cleaning tasks, folks here could give you a bit of a reality check if your standards are within the normal range.
posted by ssg at 10:40 AM on December 30 [4 favorites]
Can you cut down on cleaning time by lowering your standards a little? Something like wiping down a desk doesn't need to be done very frequently. If dust is an issue in your house, maybe you can address that with additional air filtration so there is less dust settling on surfaces. Could you get a robot vacuum/mop to cut down on floor cleaning time? Are you spending a lot of time washing dishes?
If you want to share how frequently you are doing certain cleaning tasks, folks here could give you a bit of a reality check if your standards are within the normal range.
posted by ssg at 10:40 AM on December 30 [4 favorites]
Oh gosh, maybe I can do a SHORT answer without reading 100% of above. The home I grew up in the 1950s-70s had actual mental health issues. The house was sturdy but would not impress visitors. Both my mother & aunt worked full time so in Summer I was farmed out to a very nice neighbor who had several sons who were friendly & kind. The father was a photographer and there were many nice framed works on the walls. They also had a nice grandfather clock with chimes that I found very peaceful. They also grew strawberries in their garden.
The home my wife and I live in now is our 2nd, the first was a super old twin, but we fixed it up and sold it for a nice profit. I currently have 2 mantle clocks with chimes (one a gift from my wife, the other my retirement gift). Before we retired we fixed up this house to be easier to maintain. We also hired a once a month house cleaner who is very conscientious and does a nice job for a reasonable rate for the half day.
Woops, this wasn't short. But I think I tried to point out how you can get there over time by creating an atmosphere and (as specialagentwebb suggested) half-assing it (or faking it until you make it). Well, my mantle clock just chimed.
posted by forthright at 11:17 AM on December 30 [1 favorite]
The home my wife and I live in now is our 2nd, the first was a super old twin, but we fixed it up and sold it for a nice profit. I currently have 2 mantle clocks with chimes (one a gift from my wife, the other my retirement gift). Before we retired we fixed up this house to be easier to maintain. We also hired a once a month house cleaner who is very conscientious and does a nice job for a reasonable rate for the half day.
Woops, this wasn't short. But I think I tried to point out how you can get there over time by creating an atmosphere and (as specialagentwebb suggested) half-assing it (or faking it until you make it). Well, my mantle clock just chimed.
posted by forthright at 11:17 AM on December 30 [1 favorite]
1) HEPA filter for the cat hair.
2) End tables with good storage (drawers and shelves) near your bed and couch
3) Shelving around your workspace. Desk with drawers. Something on casters like this. Get help planning this if you need to
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:47 AM on December 30
2) End tables with good storage (drawers and shelves) near your bed and couch
3) Shelving around your workspace. Desk with drawers. Something on casters like this. Get help planning this if you need to
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:47 AM on December 30
Idk if you’re already doing it but quick scan suggests brushing the cat frequently and having lint rollers everywhere helps with that. NACO (not a cat owner).
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:49 AM on December 30 [1 favorite]
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:49 AM on December 30 [1 favorite]
I really wonder whether your shame about being messy has made you shoulder much too much of the actual household labor and cognitive load around it in comparison to your husband. Is he pulling his weight with laundry, vacuuming and dusting, cleaning the kitchen after routine meal messes, cooking, groceries & putting them away, etc? Because it really doesn't sound like he is — and even if he is, would he have the capacity and willingness to take on a little bit more? I'd start with that as the first triage step, followed by a lot of other good advice you've gotten from other folks here.
posted by knucklebones at 11:59 AM on December 30 [2 favorites]
posted by knucklebones at 11:59 AM on December 30 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Lots of great ideas above! My two cents are:
1. Modern humans just have more stuff than earlier humans had — it’s not unsurprising that there isn’t One Weird Trick to solve the clutter problem that works for everyone. I think us humans are still working this one out and it’s going to take a while.
2. In spite of the clutter you’re still getting after dust, cat hair, and unpleasant smells? That’s WINNING. I also struggle with clutter but where I get tripped up is when there is so much clutter I can’t clean adequately without it becoming A Project. Your home as you describe sounds quite pleasant. There may be less-than-ideal clutter but a low-dust low-pet hair environment that smells like lovely essential oils seems pretty great.
posted by stowaway at 12:10 PM on December 30 [5 favorites]
1. Modern humans just have more stuff than earlier humans had — it’s not unsurprising that there isn’t One Weird Trick to solve the clutter problem that works for everyone. I think us humans are still working this one out and it’s going to take a while.
2. In spite of the clutter you’re still getting after dust, cat hair, and unpleasant smells? That’s WINNING. I also struggle with clutter but where I get tripped up is when there is so much clutter I can’t clean adequately without it becoming A Project. Your home as you describe sounds quite pleasant. There may be less-than-ideal clutter but a low-dust low-pet hair environment that smells like lovely essential oils seems pretty great.
posted by stowaway at 12:10 PM on December 30 [5 favorites]
Best answer: If you can swing it, I strongly encourage hiring a certified Konmari consultant. Done to the letter, it is genuinely life changing. It is truly one-and-done if it is done right.
After that, this exercise is super helpful. UFYH has great task lists.
I've done all of the above, but I developed my own task lists and spreadsheets. I've been using them for 25 years. My life is radically different -- an amazing change.
In the last couple of years I've hung a lot of things, and that has been a big help. Actually, my first big change years back was getting stuff off the floor.
A couple of years back, a friend sat in my apartment (I encouraged her through KM and improving her living environment) and said "Jgirl, do you ever look around your apartment and just say 'Ahhh'?"
I do, and it was not always been like that! Good luck!
posted by jgirl at 12:40 PM on December 30 [5 favorites]
After that, this exercise is super helpful. UFYH has great task lists.
I've done all of the above, but I developed my own task lists and spreadsheets. I've been using them for 25 years. My life is radically different -- an amazing change.
In the last couple of years I've hung a lot of things, and that has been a big help. Actually, my first big change years back was getting stuff off the floor.
A couple of years back, a friend sat in my apartment (I encouraged her through KM and improving her living environment) and said "Jgirl, do you ever look around your apartment and just say 'Ahhh'?"
I do, and it was not always been like that! Good luck!
posted by jgirl at 12:40 PM on December 30 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Oh, forgot the most important hack: body doubling. This means having another person there as you clean. They don't have to be helping, just their presence will keep you on track, and they only need to be told to remind you of today's task - if you're supposed to deal with the bathroom they should stop you from dealing with paperwork you tripped over while going to get extra towels from the linen cupboard. A professional organiser is great for big resets, but this can be a friend with similar issues, or your husband, or offspring. Over Zoom works too.
posted by I claim sanctuary at 12:50 PM on December 30 [7 favorites]
posted by I claim sanctuary at 12:50 PM on December 30 [7 favorites]
Best answer: So much of the above advice is good, but given that I'm a Certified Professional Organizer and you're the kind of client I've worked with every day for the past 23 years, it's temping for me to write an entire thesis. But I'd like to hit some overarching concepts.
REALITY CHECKS
First, ADHD makes this harder, but I have worked with lots of clients who, when they learn the best ways to approach organizing, feel a sense of relief. You may feel like you lack the gene to accomplish the end result you want, but you absolutely don't have to be naturally organized to have an organized space.
Just be sure you're aiming for a functionally organized space, not necessarily an aesthetically organized one. Those photos in House Beautiful or Real Simple? Nobody lives in those spaces; they are created/organized/lit/photographed by professionals and no pets or people get to touch that stuff.
People who are naturally organized don't always have organized spaces all the time; we've just got innate systems that allow us to recognize when something is out of place (or getting out of control) and fix it in the moment.
The difference is that for those of us who are super-organized, we're fixing things the same day or soon after the piles are created; for the average person who is able to keep on top of things, it's within the week. The piles don't get high because our very discomfort with the piles (and our built-in systemic way of thinking/approaching things) makes it more uncomfortable to just put something down than to put it away. (And "away" assumes there is a defined space for everything, so we never have to think about where something belongs unless it represents a brand-new category in our home. Basically, we organized people are lazy; we make sure everything has a home so we needn't waste time wondering where to put something.)
Next, your statement that "the house that I grew up in was neither comfortable nor beautiful. There was a lot of anger and abuse and control and it was the opposite of a haven" is very telling. With many of my clients who have had traumatic upbringings, there's a common habit of trying to fix and then take apart systems, over and over, aiming for organization but not sticking to the systems they do try to create.
Yes, ADHD can cause that. Yes, sometimes, it's just a lack of "training" for lack of a better word. But often this kind of behavior can represent an underlying, unrealized concern that if everything in the environment/home were ideal, it might mean facing some unhappy truths: that if life didn't feel perfect when the space improved, what would it mean about your life? Or, if you could achieve a comfortable and beautiful house because you loved yourself and those around you, why couldn't the people who formed you and were supposed to love you do it for you?
This latter bit is why I often encourage my clients who have chronic (and not just situational) disorganization to explore therapy. (Then again, I believe everyone can benefit from therapy.) In professional organizing, I find that clutter is generally not about the stuff; it's about the person who owns the stuff.
SIDEBAR ON MINIMALISM
Some people have expressed thoughts/concern about minimalism. I don't know many professional organizers who practice or even encourage minimalism, at least not as it's commonly understood, but functionality. (I hate late stage capitalism, but I like my stuff. I'm not going to tell someone to get rid of things that are meaningful to them, but I spend a lot of time helping them tangle out whether things are really meaningful to them or whether they've assumed they are.)
Rather, I like to think of it in terms of simplicity and function. If we keep everything we ACTUALLY USE, and a far smaller percentage of things WE'D LIKE TO USE but never do (and then take steps to make sure we actually incorporate those things in our daily/weekly lives) and let go of all the things we don't use, we will have more space to keep things.
More importantly, we'll soon have more empty space. Many people (particularly those with ADHD) find empty space worrying and find they have an urge to fill it. But it's OK to have empty drawers. To have shelves only half filled. It's OK to not have anything on the floor except what fits in what I call the F rule: feet, furniture, and (the American definition of the word) fannies. You can add furry creatures to the list if you must. ;-) But if you've lived a life where having LOTS OF THINGS everywhere is the norm, it can be scary to see clean lines, empty spaces, and lack of clutter.
Many people have an innate fear of less. If we've lived "without," (whether in terms of the tangible or emotional) then having more makes us feel like we are worth more. The problem with that is the flip side may make us fear that if we have less, we will feel like we are worth less, and that tiny space between the words can shrink, making it seem like it says "worthless."
It's easy to say to only keep the things that you use or that actively make you happy. It's easy for me to say, if it actually meant something to you, you'd be wearing/using/playing/displaying it. But if you have any sort of underlying, even unrealized, fear that being orderly will make you feel fearful/naked/vulnerable/emotionless/lost/yadda yadda, that fear is going to be battling every space-improving skill you learn.
So, don't worry about minimalism. Do give some serious thought to what a functional space feels like to you, and give yourself a reality check regarding whether you truly use, need, want, and enjoy what's in your space. (The biggest battle my clients face is not the clutter, but their unrealized attitudes within themselves. Again, therapy is great for this.)
STRATEGIES
* All that said, almost everyone with clutter needs to have less stuff. Not the stuff that gives you joy, but the stuff you're not using. I'm not saying to get rid of your holiday decorations if it's July and there's no holiday (but do get it all put away). I'm just saying you need to be realistic about what you can actually keep based on the space you inhabit.
* "Everything has to have a home, but not everything has to live with you." I'm putting quotations around that since I'm quoting myself in every speaking engagement I've given for more than two decades. It's transformative to recognize that every single thing should have only one place it lives when you aren't using it; then know that things can exist in the world without you having to possess them. Use the library. Rent. Share. Wait until you need it.
* Related, put things away. Once you define a home for something, when you're not using it anymore -- literally, when it's not in your hand anymore -- put it away. If you didn't have ADHD, you could put it down knowing you'd likely put it away before dinner or bedtime, but if you know you aren't putting things away (again, having defined where "away" or "home" is), then wishful mindfulness isn't going to be enough.
I was brought up so I could only have one toy at a time. I mean, I could have all the dolls out for a tea party, but if I transitioned from a doll to Tinker Toys, the doll had to be put away before the Tinker Toys came out. So now, when I'm working on a project at my desk or in the kitchen, if I'm not going to be working on it within the next (thirty minutes? hour?) I put it away before moving on to the next task or item. When you're brought up with such a distinct habit, it's easy to discount how difficult transitioning can be for someone with ADHD, but I work with clients every day and know how hard it is to be mindful about what you're doing NOW, how hard it is to transition, and how hard it is to reject the exciting shiny thing for the seconds or minutes it takes to put something away.
You can modify your behavior, but you have to create systems based on the reality of how your brain works.
So, if you can't put something away right away, then you need a basket or area where everything you're done with (for now) goes, and then an alarm and a set time (or, more like four or five times) in the day where you take that basket and walk around putting everything away. The whole process would take seconds if we put things away as soon as we were done; it will take 5 minutes (not hours) if we stop before lunch to put away all the stuff we've strewn about all morning, late afternoon for the stuff not put away since lunch, etc.
But you can't put things away until everything has a home (and overarching categories and sub-categories of "homes" can be hard for folks with ADHD to define; a professional can help, and I'll get to that in a bit), so that goes back to the prior bullet point.
* It's not about the containers. Unless a client is situationally (not chronically) disorganized and ultra-focused on aesthetics, we rarely acquire containers (tubs, bins, doodads) unless after the downsizing, sorting, and categorizing is complete.
* Focus on small areas first. It's better to make a decision about every single thing in a drawer and make sure it goes where it belongs (even if that's the trash or recycling) than to keep moving things around in a room.
* When you're looking for something, you can't just toss the things aside that are NOT what you want. Everyone's instinct is to stick their hand in a box or purse or whatever and root around, tossing out what isn't what they want. But that creates more chaos.
If you've organized an area and can't find the thing you want, you have to look but not touch and try to find things with your eyes, not your hands. If you do need your hands, you need to take one thing at a time out, and whether you find what you want or not, unless it's an emergency (fire, smoke, blood), you have to put everything back (and not just throw it back) before you can use the thing you were searching for.
Yes, if that sounds exhausting, I understand. With ADHD passion, it's easy to be focused on the thing you want, not the "boring stuff" that blocks your way. But the sad, unrelenting truth is that the boring stuff is what allows us to pursue any of our passions. We have to clean out the fridge and buy groceries if we want to eat something safe, healthy, and delicious. We have to organize our notes if we want to write something brilliant.
GET SUPPORT
You made a point about "getting stuck." Consider creating a small basket for anything you get "stuck" on and carry it around with you. Then, even though you said you don't want to involve your husband in these "cycles," you said he's loving and supportive. Once a day, before dinner, for five minutes,go through the basket together and discuss "where's the most useful/logical/helpful place for this item to live from now on?" Right now, your ADHD may help you see TOO MANY POSSIBILITIES where things can/should live, preventing you from confidently making quick decisions and taking decisive actions. Getting support, either from a professional or a loved one, to borrow their focus, will help you achieve your goals without so much delay.
There are so many strategies that depend on support. While I was writing (and writing, and writing), I claim sanctuary mentioned body doubling. I love body doubling! Normally, if I were giving advice, I'd link to blog posts I've written about body doubling and accountability, but I'm cautious not to overstep Metafilter's rules regarding self-linking. But my website is in my profile, and there's a search bar on the left side of my site's screen for posts with lots and lots of ways to use a body double for accountability and finishing your tasks.
Professional support really works, not because we professionals do the work "for" you (though, in part, we do) but because we teach you skills and help you create systems that work the way your mind works, and we give you accountability.
Your profile does not show your location, so I'll assume for the moment that you're in the US. Consider working with one of my colleagues in the National Association of Productivity and Organizing Professionals (NAPO). Search by proximity to your zip code and select ADHD from the drop-down under residential. (Yes, you're looking to control clutter, but selecting ADHD will help you narrow your scope in a more useful way.)
You can also work with a professional who is a subscriber with the Institute for Challenging Disorganization (ICD); most people in ICD are also in NAPO. These professionals specialize in working with people with ADHD, people who are non-neurotypical, and people with hoarding disorders. ICD's main purpose is educational, so you'll see a lot of crossover between the two organizations. (If you are not in the US, please MeMail me and I can provide links to professional organizers in other nations.)
Friends and family may be helpful, particularly from a body doubling perspective, but if you are spending so much of your time dealing with piles of clutter, it's because you haven't been given customized support in learning how to truly organize for your brain. For those for whom organizing is easy (but who have not been educated in supporting someone in your situation), it may be problematic for them to try to guide you without understanding your unique needs.
If you find multiple names in your location and have trouble parsing whom you'd like to contact, please MeMail and I can help you narrow things down.
I mean no disrespect to jgirl, but it's been my experience that the konmari approach is difficult for most people with ADHD. I have "issues" with the konmari approach, particularly with regard to anyone who who is dealing with ADHD and/or family/childhood trauma.
Finally, if you enjoy reading, while there are many books on organizing, there's none I recommend quite so often to people with ADHD who struggle with organizing as ADD-Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life: Strategies that Work by my longtime colleague (and founder of ICD) Judith Kolberg and Kathleen Nadeau. Most advice on organizing for people with ADHD is difficult to apply. Judith really gets it.
(Oh, and on preview, I see KC Davies recommended. Yes, KC is great at drop-kicking the shame, a totally useless emotion. She rocks.)
================
Finally, finally, cleaning and organizing are two totally different realms, so I won't speak to the cleaning side of things except to say that they both require maintenance. Cats will keep shedding and sinks will keep splashing and lotion bottles will keep dribbling, so cleaning goes on. There is no inbox: zero for cleaning. But if you can define homes where things belong and get support for learning strategies for getting everything back to its home, you will find yourself spending far less time moving things around and far more time on what matters most to you.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 1:45 PM on December 30 [61 favorites]
REALITY CHECKS
First, ADHD makes this harder, but I have worked with lots of clients who, when they learn the best ways to approach organizing, feel a sense of relief. You may feel like you lack the gene to accomplish the end result you want, but you absolutely don't have to be naturally organized to have an organized space.
Just be sure you're aiming for a functionally organized space, not necessarily an aesthetically organized one. Those photos in House Beautiful or Real Simple? Nobody lives in those spaces; they are created/organized/lit/photographed by professionals and no pets or people get to touch that stuff.
People who are naturally organized don't always have organized spaces all the time; we've just got innate systems that allow us to recognize when something is out of place (or getting out of control) and fix it in the moment.
The difference is that for those of us who are super-organized, we're fixing things the same day or soon after the piles are created; for the average person who is able to keep on top of things, it's within the week. The piles don't get high because our very discomfort with the piles (and our built-in systemic way of thinking/approaching things) makes it more uncomfortable to just put something down than to put it away. (And "away" assumes there is a defined space for everything, so we never have to think about where something belongs unless it represents a brand-new category in our home. Basically, we organized people are lazy; we make sure everything has a home so we needn't waste time wondering where to put something.)
Next, your statement that "the house that I grew up in was neither comfortable nor beautiful. There was a lot of anger and abuse and control and it was the opposite of a haven" is very telling. With many of my clients who have had traumatic upbringings, there's a common habit of trying to fix and then take apart systems, over and over, aiming for organization but not sticking to the systems they do try to create.
Yes, ADHD can cause that. Yes, sometimes, it's just a lack of "training" for lack of a better word. But often this kind of behavior can represent an underlying, unrealized concern that if everything in the environment/home were ideal, it might mean facing some unhappy truths: that if life didn't feel perfect when the space improved, what would it mean about your life? Or, if you could achieve a comfortable and beautiful house because you loved yourself and those around you, why couldn't the people who formed you and were supposed to love you do it for you?
This latter bit is why I often encourage my clients who have chronic (and not just situational) disorganization to explore therapy. (Then again, I believe everyone can benefit from therapy.) In professional organizing, I find that clutter is generally not about the stuff; it's about the person who owns the stuff.
SIDEBAR ON MINIMALISM
Some people have expressed thoughts/concern about minimalism. I don't know many professional organizers who practice or even encourage minimalism, at least not as it's commonly understood, but functionality. (I hate late stage capitalism, but I like my stuff. I'm not going to tell someone to get rid of things that are meaningful to them, but I spend a lot of time helping them tangle out whether things are really meaningful to them or whether they've assumed they are.)
Rather, I like to think of it in terms of simplicity and function. If we keep everything we ACTUALLY USE, and a far smaller percentage of things WE'D LIKE TO USE but never do (and then take steps to make sure we actually incorporate those things in our daily/weekly lives) and let go of all the things we don't use, we will have more space to keep things.
More importantly, we'll soon have more empty space. Many people (particularly those with ADHD) find empty space worrying and find they have an urge to fill it. But it's OK to have empty drawers. To have shelves only half filled. It's OK to not have anything on the floor except what fits in what I call the F rule: feet, furniture, and (the American definition of the word) fannies. You can add furry creatures to the list if you must. ;-) But if you've lived a life where having LOTS OF THINGS everywhere is the norm, it can be scary to see clean lines, empty spaces, and lack of clutter.
Many people have an innate fear of less. If we've lived "without," (whether in terms of the tangible or emotional) then having more makes us feel like we are worth more. The problem with that is the flip side may make us fear that if we have less, we will feel like we are worth less, and that tiny space between the words can shrink, making it seem like it says "worthless."
It's easy to say to only keep the things that you use or that actively make you happy. It's easy for me to say, if it actually meant something to you, you'd be wearing/using/playing/displaying it. But if you have any sort of underlying, even unrealized, fear that being orderly will make you feel fearful/naked/vulnerable/emotionless/lost/yadda yadda, that fear is going to be battling every space-improving skill you learn.
So, don't worry about minimalism. Do give some serious thought to what a functional space feels like to you, and give yourself a reality check regarding whether you truly use, need, want, and enjoy what's in your space. (The biggest battle my clients face is not the clutter, but their unrealized attitudes within themselves. Again, therapy is great for this.)
STRATEGIES
* All that said, almost everyone with clutter needs to have less stuff. Not the stuff that gives you joy, but the stuff you're not using. I'm not saying to get rid of your holiday decorations if it's July and there's no holiday (but do get it all put away). I'm just saying you need to be realistic about what you can actually keep based on the space you inhabit.
* "Everything has to have a home, but not everything has to live with you." I'm putting quotations around that since I'm quoting myself in every speaking engagement I've given for more than two decades. It's transformative to recognize that every single thing should have only one place it lives when you aren't using it; then know that things can exist in the world without you having to possess them. Use the library. Rent. Share. Wait until you need it.
* Related, put things away. Once you define a home for something, when you're not using it anymore -- literally, when it's not in your hand anymore -- put it away. If you didn't have ADHD, you could put it down knowing you'd likely put it away before dinner or bedtime, but if you know you aren't putting things away (again, having defined where "away" or "home" is), then wishful mindfulness isn't going to be enough.
I was brought up so I could only have one toy at a time. I mean, I could have all the dolls out for a tea party, but if I transitioned from a doll to Tinker Toys, the doll had to be put away before the Tinker Toys came out. So now, when I'm working on a project at my desk or in the kitchen, if I'm not going to be working on it within the next (thirty minutes? hour?) I put it away before moving on to the next task or item. When you're brought up with such a distinct habit, it's easy to discount how difficult transitioning can be for someone with ADHD, but I work with clients every day and know how hard it is to be mindful about what you're doing NOW, how hard it is to transition, and how hard it is to reject the exciting shiny thing for the seconds or minutes it takes to put something away.
You can modify your behavior, but you have to create systems based on the reality of how your brain works.
So, if you can't put something away right away, then you need a basket or area where everything you're done with (for now) goes, and then an alarm and a set time (or, more like four or five times) in the day where you take that basket and walk around putting everything away. The whole process would take seconds if we put things away as soon as we were done; it will take 5 minutes (not hours) if we stop before lunch to put away all the stuff we've strewn about all morning, late afternoon for the stuff not put away since lunch, etc.
But you can't put things away until everything has a home (and overarching categories and sub-categories of "homes" can be hard for folks with ADHD to define; a professional can help, and I'll get to that in a bit), so that goes back to the prior bullet point.
* It's not about the containers. Unless a client is situationally (not chronically) disorganized and ultra-focused on aesthetics, we rarely acquire containers (tubs, bins, doodads) unless after the downsizing, sorting, and categorizing is complete.
* Focus on small areas first. It's better to make a decision about every single thing in a drawer and make sure it goes where it belongs (even if that's the trash or recycling) than to keep moving things around in a room.
* When you're looking for something, you can't just toss the things aside that are NOT what you want. Everyone's instinct is to stick their hand in a box or purse or whatever and root around, tossing out what isn't what they want. But that creates more chaos.
If you've organized an area and can't find the thing you want, you have to look but not touch and try to find things with your eyes, not your hands. If you do need your hands, you need to take one thing at a time out, and whether you find what you want or not, unless it's an emergency (fire, smoke, blood), you have to put everything back (and not just throw it back) before you can use the thing you were searching for.
Yes, if that sounds exhausting, I understand. With ADHD passion, it's easy to be focused on the thing you want, not the "boring stuff" that blocks your way. But the sad, unrelenting truth is that the boring stuff is what allows us to pursue any of our passions. We have to clean out the fridge and buy groceries if we want to eat something safe, healthy, and delicious. We have to organize our notes if we want to write something brilliant.
GET SUPPORT
You made a point about "getting stuck." Consider creating a small basket for anything you get "stuck" on and carry it around with you. Then, even though you said you don't want to involve your husband in these "cycles," you said he's loving and supportive. Once a day, before dinner, for five minutes,go through the basket together and discuss "where's the most useful/logical/helpful place for this item to live from now on?" Right now, your ADHD may help you see TOO MANY POSSIBILITIES where things can/should live, preventing you from confidently making quick decisions and taking decisive actions. Getting support, either from a professional or a loved one, to borrow their focus, will help you achieve your goals without so much delay.
There are so many strategies that depend on support. While I was writing (and writing, and writing), I claim sanctuary mentioned body doubling. I love body doubling! Normally, if I were giving advice, I'd link to blog posts I've written about body doubling and accountability, but I'm cautious not to overstep Metafilter's rules regarding self-linking. But my website is in my profile, and there's a search bar on the left side of my site's screen for posts with lots and lots of ways to use a body double for accountability and finishing your tasks.
Professional support really works, not because we professionals do the work "for" you (though, in part, we do) but because we teach you skills and help you create systems that work the way your mind works, and we give you accountability.
Your profile does not show your location, so I'll assume for the moment that you're in the US. Consider working with one of my colleagues in the National Association of Productivity and Organizing Professionals (NAPO). Search by proximity to your zip code and select ADHD from the drop-down under residential. (Yes, you're looking to control clutter, but selecting ADHD will help you narrow your scope in a more useful way.)
You can also work with a professional who is a subscriber with the Institute for Challenging Disorganization (ICD); most people in ICD are also in NAPO. These professionals specialize in working with people with ADHD, people who are non-neurotypical, and people with hoarding disorders. ICD's main purpose is educational, so you'll see a lot of crossover between the two organizations. (If you are not in the US, please MeMail me and I can provide links to professional organizers in other nations.)
Friends and family may be helpful, particularly from a body doubling perspective, but if you are spending so much of your time dealing with piles of clutter, it's because you haven't been given customized support in learning how to truly organize for your brain. For those for whom organizing is easy (but who have not been educated in supporting someone in your situation), it may be problematic for them to try to guide you without understanding your unique needs.
If you find multiple names in your location and have trouble parsing whom you'd like to contact, please MeMail and I can help you narrow things down.
I mean no disrespect to jgirl, but it's been my experience that the konmari approach is difficult for most people with ADHD. I have "issues" with the konmari approach, particularly with regard to anyone who who is dealing with ADHD and/or family/childhood trauma.
Finally, if you enjoy reading, while there are many books on organizing, there's none I recommend quite so often to people with ADHD who struggle with organizing as ADD-Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life: Strategies that Work by my longtime colleague (and founder of ICD) Judith Kolberg and Kathleen Nadeau. Most advice on organizing for people with ADHD is difficult to apply. Judith really gets it.
(Oh, and on preview, I see KC Davies recommended. Yes, KC is great at drop-kicking the shame, a totally useless emotion. She rocks.)
================
Finally, finally, cleaning and organizing are two totally different realms, so I won't speak to the cleaning side of things except to say that they both require maintenance. Cats will keep shedding and sinks will keep splashing and lotion bottles will keep dribbling, so cleaning goes on. There is no inbox: zero for cleaning. But if you can define homes where things belong and get support for learning strategies for getting everything back to its home, you will find yourself spending far less time moving things around and far more time on what matters most to you.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 1:45 PM on December 30 [61 favorites]
Best answer: I didn't quite struggle with the same things that you do, but I hired a professional organizer (like The Wrong Kind of Cheese described) and I found it a really positive experience. (I noticed some hoarding tendencies in myself and wanted to nip it in the bud before it became a 'real' problem.)
My sessions were during lockdown, so it was all virtual. We still had two components to our sessions: we'd be de-cluttering a particular area, with me systematically picking up anything in there and either putting it away immediately or setting it aside to be taken to a particular spot, but we'd also discuss how to deal with the issues/thoughts that came up.
There were practical issues like: 'I want to keep this but it doesn't have a spot yet, and I can't think of one'. (Solution: do you have similar items? Where do you keep those?)
Then there was the hesitation to get rid of things, because of guilt, vague plans or simply remembering how long I'd looked for it... Here the process becomes a bit like therapy (which it is, in some sense) in that those feelings are all okay, but we considered whether they're helpful and whether some other approach might serve me better.
If I remember correctly, we had just five sessions. In terms of square footage de-cluttered, this was a drop in the bucket, but in terms of both skills I learned and a mindset change, it was a big improvement.
To summarize: I found working with a professional organizer both helpful and compassionate.
posted by demi-octopus at 3:12 PM on December 30 [4 favorites]
My sessions were during lockdown, so it was all virtual. We still had two components to our sessions: we'd be de-cluttering a particular area, with me systematically picking up anything in there and either putting it away immediately or setting it aside to be taken to a particular spot, but we'd also discuss how to deal with the issues/thoughts that came up.
There were practical issues like: 'I want to keep this but it doesn't have a spot yet, and I can't think of one'. (Solution: do you have similar items? Where do you keep those?)
Then there was the hesitation to get rid of things, because of guilt, vague plans or simply remembering how long I'd looked for it... Here the process becomes a bit like therapy (which it is, in some sense) in that those feelings are all okay, but we considered whether they're helpful and whether some other approach might serve me better.
If I remember correctly, we had just five sessions. In terms of square footage de-cluttered, this was a drop in the bucket, but in terms of both skills I learned and a mindset change, it was a big improvement.
To summarize: I found working with a professional organizer both helpful and compassionate.
posted by demi-octopus at 3:12 PM on December 30 [4 favorites]
There is no inbox: zero for cleaning.
I just want to emphasize this! I think I learned it from KC Davis, specifically regarding laundry. (What I am about to say assumes you have in-house/in-unit laundry and don’t have to go to a laundromat.) I had to accept that laundry is never done, and once I stopped thinking of it as a chore where one day a week I gathered all the dirty laundry in the house and did it in one long chore (but broken up by periods of waiting, just a nightmare for ADHD) and then I earned my gold star, it got so much better. Now I do a load of darks if I need some of my dark clothes to be clean. Regardless of what day it is. I don’t worry that my hamper has other dirty clothes in it, as long as they are in my hamper. And folding - ahh my nemesis - is so much less of a burden when there’s only one basket of it instead of a day of folding drudgery.
posted by misskaz at 4:13 PM on December 30 [1 favorite]
I just want to emphasize this! I think I learned it from KC Davis, specifically regarding laundry. (What I am about to say assumes you have in-house/in-unit laundry and don’t have to go to a laundromat.) I had to accept that laundry is never done, and once I stopped thinking of it as a chore where one day a week I gathered all the dirty laundry in the house and did it in one long chore (but broken up by periods of waiting, just a nightmare for ADHD) and then I earned my gold star, it got so much better. Now I do a load of darks if I need some of my dark clothes to be clean. Regardless of what day it is. I don’t worry that my hamper has other dirty clothes in it, as long as they are in my hamper. And folding - ahh my nemesis - is so much less of a burden when there’s only one basket of it instead of a day of folding drudgery.
posted by misskaz at 4:13 PM on December 30 [1 favorite]
Best answer: As a husband who constantly (and silently) tries to help with this, I'm rooting for you!
posted by eustatic at 4:21 PM on December 30 [3 favorites]
posted by eustatic at 4:21 PM on December 30 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: I am feeling very very grateful to everyone who responded to my post. The advice and kindness is beyond what I had hoped for. I am especially grateful to specialagentwebb: your response made me cry (in a good way!) and gave me access to a new perspective that I will work to hold on to.
posted by GentlyReflecting at 7:47 PM on December 30 [3 favorites]
posted by GentlyReflecting at 7:47 PM on December 30 [3 favorites]
I have a “one in, one out” rule for clothes, cookbooks, and other things.
I count inventing the "N in, N+2 out" rule while thinking about how to stop the kitchen dishrack from devolving yet again into a useless tottering tower of clean but inaccessible utensils as the single greatest intellectual achievement of my life. I don't care if, just like all my greatest intellectual achievements, it's already been worked out hundreds of times hundreds of years ago by other people. In my life it's my idea and I get to be proud of it for that.
It goes like this: if I'm washing dishes and therefore generating wet items that need to be put on the dishrack to air dry, I take one already-dry item off the rack and put it away before putting the next wet item on. This adds very little time and effort to the overall dishwashing process, and as an ex IT guy I find the pipeline aspect of it very pleasing.
The innovative step is that when I've finished making things wet, I'll take two more dry things off the rack and put those away as well. Again, this adds only very small amounts of time and effort to any given instance of washing dishes because I'm already right there in front of the sink, but the overall effect is that every time I work with that rack it ends up with less stuff on it than when I started, which makes it tend asymptotically toward tidy over time. The process has proved robust even in the face of the complete failure of anybody else in my house to embrace it.
It took about a month of concentrated effort when dealing with the dishrack to get this to the point of starting to feel like a habit. I had to grit my teeth and remind myself, every single time, that the point of actually doing these unaccustomed puttings-away was as an experiment in deliberate habit building rather than any specific attempt to reduce kitchen clutter, the latter being a motivation that I experience only sporadically given how little of that clutter I personally create. To my surprise, after two months of doing this consistently, I started to experience emotional discomfort at the idea of not doing it that way every time. Brains are weird.
The size of the things doesn't matter, only the number of them. I could be putting on a chopping board and a big knife and pressure cooker and its lid, and putting away four teaspoons and the vegetable peeler and one of the tea strainers would be enough to satisfy my rule.
Lately I've started applying the same rule to visits to the hoarder's hellhole of a cabin that we all too-generously refer to as my "office". Any time I take N things in through that door, even if they're things that came out of there in the first place, my rule is that I have to come out carrying N+2 things to be turfed as garbage or put into one of the recycling boxes. Applies to N=0 as well, in this instance. Just going in through that door for any reason is the trigger for the rule.
So far, all of the things that have been coming out have been tiny. Clipped-off bits of wire, old bread bag clips, time-rotted plastic bags, used rockwool grow cubes with dried-up failed cuttings in them, that sort of thing. And there are countless thousands of things inside that cabin, so it's going to take a while before I start being able to actually move around in there again, let alone have the use of any of the surfaces. But I have confidence in the process.
posted by flabdablet at 4:18 AM on December 31 [5 favorites]
I count inventing the "N in, N+2 out" rule while thinking about how to stop the kitchen dishrack from devolving yet again into a useless tottering tower of clean but inaccessible utensils as the single greatest intellectual achievement of my life. I don't care if, just like all my greatest intellectual achievements, it's already been worked out hundreds of times hundreds of years ago by other people. In my life it's my idea and I get to be proud of it for that.
It goes like this: if I'm washing dishes and therefore generating wet items that need to be put on the dishrack to air dry, I take one already-dry item off the rack and put it away before putting the next wet item on. This adds very little time and effort to the overall dishwashing process, and as an ex IT guy I find the pipeline aspect of it very pleasing.
The innovative step is that when I've finished making things wet, I'll take two more dry things off the rack and put those away as well. Again, this adds only very small amounts of time and effort to any given instance of washing dishes because I'm already right there in front of the sink, but the overall effect is that every time I work with that rack it ends up with less stuff on it than when I started, which makes it tend asymptotically toward tidy over time. The process has proved robust even in the face of the complete failure of anybody else in my house to embrace it.
It took about a month of concentrated effort when dealing with the dishrack to get this to the point of starting to feel like a habit. I had to grit my teeth and remind myself, every single time, that the point of actually doing these unaccustomed puttings-away was as an experiment in deliberate habit building rather than any specific attempt to reduce kitchen clutter, the latter being a motivation that I experience only sporadically given how little of that clutter I personally create. To my surprise, after two months of doing this consistently, I started to experience emotional discomfort at the idea of not doing it that way every time. Brains are weird.
The size of the things doesn't matter, only the number of them. I could be putting on a chopping board and a big knife and pressure cooker and its lid, and putting away four teaspoons and the vegetable peeler and one of the tea strainers would be enough to satisfy my rule.
Lately I've started applying the same rule to visits to the hoarder's hellhole of a cabin that we all too-generously refer to as my "office". Any time I take N things in through that door, even if they're things that came out of there in the first place, my rule is that I have to come out carrying N+2 things to be turfed as garbage or put into one of the recycling boxes. Applies to N=0 as well, in this instance. Just going in through that door for any reason is the trigger for the rule.
So far, all of the things that have been coming out have been tiny. Clipped-off bits of wire, old bread bag clips, time-rotted plastic bags, used rockwool grow cubes with dried-up failed cuttings in them, that sort of thing. And there are countless thousands of things inside that cabin, so it's going to take a while before I start being able to actually move around in there again, let alone have the use of any of the surfaces. But I have confidence in the process.
posted by flabdablet at 4:18 AM on December 31 [5 favorites]
I try to use lists. Daily - wipe stove, counters, keep sink pretty clear. Weekly - you get the idea.
I was ill and am not back to 100%, may not ever be, so my house is full-o-crap, dirty in some areas, so untidy. Not unsanitary, doesn't smell. Laundry is done, bathrooms reasonable. Also, I got rid of lots of stuff and moved from a house with an attic, basement, and garage to a pretty small house. But my habit of starting projects came with me. I feel a sense of shame, but also, fuck it. Life gets hard, life is complicated. Give up the shame and stress. Life is for your goals, not tidiness.
posted by theora55 at 8:03 AM on December 31 [1 favorite]
I was ill and am not back to 100%, may not ever be, so my house is full-o-crap, dirty in some areas, so untidy. Not unsanitary, doesn't smell. Laundry is done, bathrooms reasonable. Also, I got rid of lots of stuff and moved from a house with an attic, basement, and garage to a pretty small house. But my habit of starting projects came with me. I feel a sense of shame, but also, fuck it. Life gets hard, life is complicated. Give up the shame and stress. Life is for your goals, not tidiness.
posted by theora55 at 8:03 AM on December 31 [1 favorite]
I find it very interesting how much mileage this topic gets on Mefi. I have my struggles with it. I'm a systematizer and organizer by default, but it took a long time to learn and create a set of working principles that led to long-term behaviors. Now, I can look at my life and think I know where to find what I own without hassle or long rabbit holes of WTF. Where is this thing I know I have? I had to take courses on organizing physical and digital systems, plus work in lean manufacturing to get an edge on my possessions. Now I feel like there are some measurable improvements where I can start a project and find 'this' and 'this' and 'that' and have it all on hand without hassle or rooting about. It's still ongoing. I find myself in a workspace, like a workshop, and spending half an hour just sorting stuff out, so it's not just a miscellany or objects that cannot be located when needed. Without a structure that leads to finding what you need, it's a chaotic mess that seems valuable but wastes time and energy to utilize.
On the other hand, my partner is a pile organizer and resists going through archives of stuff and possessions despite acknowledging how useless it is to maintain this over time. Their lack of systems impacts all sorts of outcomes, like being able to change, modify, improve, or sort our living space, so I wish I had a clue on how to change that; so far, I mostly keep my life in order and send good karma to my partner and their need to squirrel things away which generally leads to some cluster-f**k of stuff on a shelf, bin or work area.
posted by diode at 8:16 AM on December 31 [2 favorites]
On the other hand, my partner is a pile organizer and resists going through archives of stuff and possessions despite acknowledging how useless it is to maintain this over time. Their lack of systems impacts all sorts of outcomes, like being able to change, modify, improve, or sort our living space, so I wish I had a clue on how to change that; so far, I mostly keep my life in order and send good karma to my partner and their need to squirrel things away which generally leads to some cluster-f**k of stuff on a shelf, bin or work area.
posted by diode at 8:16 AM on December 31 [2 favorites]
FWIW, I'm in the same age range and am now trying to reframe the organize/declutter/improve part of homemaking as a hobby. It doesn't seem to be a task that can be completed, no matter how long I stay in a place. Maybe it's a cycle too, on a slower loop than laundry and dishes?
Practically - for me, having guests over regularly helps a lot. Lists help when I feel like following a list. Also yes to baskets everywhere. My great kitchen innovation has been a deep wicker basket for the plastic Tupperware that comes out of the dishwasher wet. It can dry in there, and not occupy the dishwasher or the entire counter. Sometimes I even get it put away before using it again!
posted by mersen at 8:18 AM on December 31 [2 favorites]
Practically - for me, having guests over regularly helps a lot. Lists help when I feel like following a list. Also yes to baskets everywhere. My great kitchen innovation has been a deep wicker basket for the plastic Tupperware that comes out of the dishwasher wet. It can dry in there, and not occupy the dishwasher or the entire counter. Sometimes I even get it put away before using it again!
posted by mersen at 8:18 AM on December 31 [2 favorites]
One additional recommendation - Dana White at A Slob Comes Clean has an ongoing podcast and multiple books with cleaning and organizing advice for people who don't really love cleaning and organizing. I like her no mess decluttering method. She recommends that you get her audio books (many libraries have them!) and listen to them while decluttering/cleaning.
posted by Vicmo at 12:02 PM on December 31 [2 favorites]
posted by Vicmo at 12:02 PM on December 31 [2 favorites]
I hired a professional organizer and my house isn’t perfect, but it’s SO much better and more functional. It’s so much easier to tidy up too, since almost everything has a home (not everything, I need to get rid of more stuff but it’s hard!).
I found that I both had to get rid of stuff (which is hard for some people, like me) and set up systems (which requires skill in knowing how to set up). The organizer has been helpful with both. It took a bunch of sessions over several months to get my house to it’s current state, and now I have her come over every few months to deal with the piles I have accumulated since her last visit.
It’s a privilege to be able to afford to hire someone, of course, but if it is accessible to you I highly recommend it.
posted by maleficent at 7:05 PM on December 31 [2 favorites]
I found that I both had to get rid of stuff (which is hard for some people, like me) and set up systems (which requires skill in knowing how to set up). The organizer has been helpful with both. It took a bunch of sessions over several months to get my house to it’s current state, and now I have her come over every few months to deal with the piles I have accumulated since her last visit.
It’s a privilege to be able to afford to hire someone, of course, but if it is accessible to you I highly recommend it.
posted by maleficent at 7:05 PM on December 31 [2 favorites]
After a “season” of my life, like after I recovered from breaking my leg, I try to clear out that season. It’s so tempting to keep the crutches. But maybe someone else needs them whereas I might need them again in 10? Years. It’s hard to trust there will be crutches, but go for it. (This is my internal dialogue.)
That is so good! Appealing, too, because it's contained and do-able, and it's unique and a one-off, not an endlessly repeating slog that is the same every day and that will never be finished.
I tend to like some chores, hate others. Like I love laundry. LOVE. Last week I made my own laundry soap out of washing soda, borax, and a small portion of the several pounds of bars of soap that people inevitably give you for every gifting occasion and that I hate with a passion but never throw away because, whatever: you can use them as sachets. This extrafun laundry-related chore enabled me to sit on my ass in front of garbage on Netflix but still be virtuously doing something virtuous like a perfect angel! Then also I found and filled with home-made laundry soap several decorative containers that have been kicking around the house being useless and decorative and in the way for I don't know how many years. More virtue! I fine-tuned my process: the Camay that was all still in packaging worked less well than the Eiffel-tower stamped almond scented soap that was sitting out for several months waiting for me to get around to making laundry soap out of it--so clearly you need to let soap "cure" out of the packaging so that when you shave it down, it becomes more like a dry powder than like a waxy pile of shavings. Good to know! Will open all packaged hand soap upon receipt for the forseeable future. I tried the product, and yes, stuff gets clean and no, the laundry does not come out stinking of Camay! Winnnnnn!
After that I put away all the wrapping paper in a manner that took hours and hours but eliminated a lot of waste space and enabled me to fit it all into its designated space satisfyingly and was really fun because it involved looking at all the saved up wrapping paper from all the decades. Love.
Meanwhile all the chores I hate are undone as usual. I could either 1. try to kick my own ass about that or 2. remember that spending three hours microplaning bars of soap and coiling up ribbon and neatly taping it while watching terrible television is extremely good behavior and that I was not wasting time and eventually I will do the chores I hate. The take home is that I don't think it's a good idea to "save the best for last" and try to make yourself do loathed chores before soothing, meditative, fun, creative chores. Best to spend the most time on the fun stuff and do all the fun chores first in case a comet hits the Earth. I don't want to die vacuuming!
posted by Don Pepino at 8:35 PM on December 31 [1 favorite]
That is so good! Appealing, too, because it's contained and do-able, and it's unique and a one-off, not an endlessly repeating slog that is the same every day and that will never be finished.
I tend to like some chores, hate others. Like I love laundry. LOVE. Last week I made my own laundry soap out of washing soda, borax, and a small portion of the several pounds of bars of soap that people inevitably give you for every gifting occasion and that I hate with a passion but never throw away because, whatever: you can use them as sachets. This extrafun laundry-related chore enabled me to sit on my ass in front of garbage on Netflix but still be virtuously doing something virtuous like a perfect angel! Then also I found and filled with home-made laundry soap several decorative containers that have been kicking around the house being useless and decorative and in the way for I don't know how many years. More virtue! I fine-tuned my process: the Camay that was all still in packaging worked less well than the Eiffel-tower stamped almond scented soap that was sitting out for several months waiting for me to get around to making laundry soap out of it--so clearly you need to let soap "cure" out of the packaging so that when you shave it down, it becomes more like a dry powder than like a waxy pile of shavings. Good to know! Will open all packaged hand soap upon receipt for the forseeable future. I tried the product, and yes, stuff gets clean and no, the laundry does not come out stinking of Camay! Winnnnnn!
After that I put away all the wrapping paper in a manner that took hours and hours but eliminated a lot of waste space and enabled me to fit it all into its designated space satisfyingly and was really fun because it involved looking at all the saved up wrapping paper from all the decades. Love.
Meanwhile all the chores I hate are undone as usual. I could either 1. try to kick my own ass about that or 2. remember that spending three hours microplaning bars of soap and coiling up ribbon and neatly taping it while watching terrible television is extremely good behavior and that I was not wasting time and eventually I will do the chores I hate. The take home is that I don't think it's a good idea to "save the best for last" and try to make yourself do loathed chores before soothing, meditative, fun, creative chores. Best to spend the most time on the fun stuff and do all the fun chores first in case a comet hits the Earth. I don't want to die vacuuming!
posted by Don Pepino at 8:35 PM on December 31 [1 favorite]
I have ADHD and a spouse who tends towards packrat/horror vacui tendencies and it's really really hard because we have constant disagreements about "we have too much stuff" vs "we need better organization"
I think the single biggest thing that's an issue is that organization when you're at 95% capacity doesn't work, because it's a house of cards. You have to dig and take out 20 things to find the brown sugar, then perfectly put back all the other things the way they were originally stacked. I don't think you can make a storage solution where everything but the first layer of content is totally hidden function.
posted by Ferreous at 7:07 PM on January 1 [5 favorites]
I think the single biggest thing that's an issue is that organization when you're at 95% capacity doesn't work, because it's a house of cards. You have to dig and take out 20 things to find the brown sugar, then perfectly put back all the other things the way they were originally stacked. I don't think you can make a storage solution where everything but the first layer of content is totally hidden function.
posted by Ferreous at 7:07 PM on January 1 [5 favorites]
Best answer: This Dana White is amazing! I put away/threw away/put in my donation bag a box of stuff that's been sitting in a corner reproaching me since my move eleven years ago. I was sure that stuff was going to be in that box until my demise.
She has five steps:
1. throw away all trash/recycle all recycling
2. donate all the obvious donate-ables
3. do all the "easy" stuff (if it has a place, put it in its place)
4. for stuff that doesn't have a place--this is the one that other organization schemes tend to ignore, assuming, wrongly, that everyone knows where everything in their house should go--ask, "if this thing were lost and I needed it, where would I look for it?" Not "where should this go" but "where would I, a unique person with unique ideas, look for this unique item in my unique house"
5. assuming you came up with an answer to 4., make it fit in that space--iow, go to the place and put the thing away, and if the place where it would go is cluttered, too, throw away/donate/re-situate items until there's room for the item in Q. or decide there isn't room for it and put it in the donation bag
5.5 in the case that you can't answer 4., ask "would I even have remembered I had one of these things, anyway?" and if the answer to that is "no," then donate the damn thing because if you don't know you have it or you know you have it but you use it so seldom that you have no idea where it is in the house, you may as well not own it in the first place and you're just going to go buy another one, so get it out to the thrift store where it can do someone some good and possibly be there for you to buy when you need it.
KEY TAKEAWAY: NO "KEEP" BOXES. Do not put things in piles to resituate elsewhere in the house at some mythical later time. If you know something's going to the kitchen and you can see another thing or two that also should be in the kitchen, it's okay to take those things with you when you go to the kitchen to put away the initial thing, but take the things now and put them away now. DO NOT make a kitchen box, a bathroom box, a bedroom box and a garage box because you intend to go distribute the items later. (Or, like me, fill up a "Raskog" with crap from the dining room table and roll it down the hall to start putting the items in various rooms, get distracted and wander away and then over the next few weeks churn a bunch more random crap from whatever room the Raskog ended up in into the Raskog on top of the other items world without end.)
The entire point of her entire exercise is that each item goes to its final spot. There is no "for now." There is only "forever." As I have proven to myself over and over by failing the Raskog test every time I take it.
She has other concepts like the clutter threshold, which basically means, "you might love the idea of beautifully organized bespoke Raskogs, but it is also possible that you are not a person who can make that idea work. It may be that you need to get rid of most of these Raskogs before you end up in a padded cell."
All of it is appealing and motivating to listen to. Highly recommend.
posted by Don Pepino at 8:09 PM on January 1 [4 favorites]
She has five steps:
1. throw away all trash/recycle all recycling
2. donate all the obvious donate-ables
3. do all the "easy" stuff (if it has a place, put it in its place)
4. for stuff that doesn't have a place--this is the one that other organization schemes tend to ignore, assuming, wrongly, that everyone knows where everything in their house should go--ask, "if this thing were lost and I needed it, where would I look for it?" Not "where should this go" but "where would I, a unique person with unique ideas, look for this unique item in my unique house"
5. assuming you came up with an answer to 4., make it fit in that space--iow, go to the place and put the thing away, and if the place where it would go is cluttered, too, throw away/donate/re-situate items until there's room for the item in Q. or decide there isn't room for it and put it in the donation bag
5.5 in the case that you can't answer 4., ask "would I even have remembered I had one of these things, anyway?" and if the answer to that is "no," then donate the damn thing because if you don't know you have it or you know you have it but you use it so seldom that you have no idea where it is in the house, you may as well not own it in the first place and you're just going to go buy another one, so get it out to the thrift store where it can do someone some good and possibly be there for you to buy when you need it.
KEY TAKEAWAY: NO "KEEP" BOXES. Do not put things in piles to resituate elsewhere in the house at some mythical later time. If you know something's going to the kitchen and you can see another thing or two that also should be in the kitchen, it's okay to take those things with you when you go to the kitchen to put away the initial thing, but take the things now and put them away now. DO NOT make a kitchen box, a bathroom box, a bedroom box and a garage box because you intend to go distribute the items later. (Or, like me, fill up a "Raskog" with crap from the dining room table and roll it down the hall to start putting the items in various rooms, get distracted and wander away and then over the next few weeks churn a bunch more random crap from whatever room the Raskog ended up in into the Raskog on top of the other items world without end.)
The entire point of her entire exercise is that each item goes to its final spot. There is no "for now." There is only "forever." As I have proven to myself over and over by failing the Raskog test every time I take it.
She has other concepts like the clutter threshold, which basically means, "you might love the idea of beautifully organized bespoke Raskogs, but it is also possible that you are not a person who can make that idea work. It may be that you need to get rid of most of these Raskogs before you end up in a padded cell."
All of it is appealing and motivating to listen to. Highly recommend.
posted by Don Pepino at 8:09 PM on January 1 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Hope it's ok to link this post of mine here: Decluttering, sorting, organising and GSD in January. Intended as a community space for those of us who are similarly struggling with piles.
posted by paduasoy at 10:52 PM on January 2 [8 favorites]
posted by paduasoy at 10:52 PM on January 2 [8 favorites]
Mod note: [This great question and amazing thread have been added to the sidebar and Best Of blog; thank you so much, everyone!!]
posted by taz (staff) at 12:34 AM on January 4 [4 favorites]
posted by taz (staff) at 12:34 AM on January 4 [4 favorites]
"I have stolen a mental trick from a fellow Mefi and mentally reframed some of my “putting things back where they live/home reset” time as “puttering.” This transforms it into something quaint and peaceful rather than something that is Cleaning Ugh Terrible. I usually do this while listening to music or a podcast, and I just wander around the house lazily picking things up, straightening things, and taking things home. It’s weirdly kind of nice? It’s easy, since everything has a place now, and is an opportunity to just look at and appreciate my living space and my things. It sounds a little grating to some people (like I am saying, just enjoy cleaning instead!), but something about “puttering” makes me feel like I am a gnome in a storybook arranging my precious objects and not a harried failure who can’t keep things together. I don’t know, it works for me."
Oh man, I love this. Thanks ctlaltdelete.
posted by storybored at 8:21 PM on January 6
Oh man, I love this. Thanks ctlaltdelete.
posted by storybored at 8:21 PM on January 6
I just wander around the house lazily picking things up, straightening things, and taking things home. It’s weirdly kind of nice?
A related process I use is every time I'm about to leave a room, I have a quick look around to see whether there is one item I could pick up and take with me in order to put it down closer to where it needs to be.
It's nice to be able to think of myself as providing gentle opposition to the inexorable grinding forces of entropy within my living space, especially given the enthusiasm of the two cats with whom I share it for randomly redistributing small things throughout.
One must imagine Sisyphus lazy :-)
posted by flabdablet at 10:21 PM on January 6 [1 favorite]
A related process I use is every time I'm about to leave a room, I have a quick look around to see whether there is one item I could pick up and take with me in order to put it down closer to where it needs to be.
It's nice to be able to think of myself as providing gentle opposition to the inexorable grinding forces of entropy within my living space, especially given the enthusiasm of the two cats with whom I share it for randomly redistributing small things throughout.
One must imagine Sisyphus lazy :-)
posted by flabdablet at 10:21 PM on January 6 [1 favorite]
something about “puttering” makes me feel like I am a gnome in a storybook arranging my precious objects
When puttering alone, it can't hurt to go full Gollum.
Being able to indulge in absurdly childish behaviour to the point of making myself hoot laughing without any risk of frightening other people is the single best thing about alone time.
tangentially relevant xkcd
posted by flabdablet at 7:25 AM on January 7
When puttering alone, it can't hurt to go full Gollum.
Being able to indulge in absurdly childish behaviour to the point of making myself hoot laughing without any risk of frightening other people is the single best thing about alone time.
tangentially relevant xkcd
posted by flabdablet at 7:25 AM on January 7
items gleaned from the post christmas crisis of stuff, again from a support role. things that I have learned a supporter can do without triggering the bad response of the person who needs to organize the stuff. again, i never throw anything away or make the lists, that is forbidden. all I can do is prepare the ground for those actions.
I already made the "four pocket" mailbox that fits by the door, than can collect 6 months of mail and about half a year of the kid art portfolio.
This is mostly to remind myself for next christmas / kid birthday, when we asked for more memberships and less stuff, but the elders didn't remember, and emptied the Target clearance rack into our house again. Merica.
1) you can place white command hooks on the reverse side of a white closet door without triggering a lot, and those re-useable grocery bags got on them, to pick up stuff. plastic grocery bags fit inside the reusable ones. also many of our closets may have bags on the floor already. and the goal is to not let the bags stack on top of one another on the closet floor. this is best for that crafting closet as we head into carnival season.
1a) your partner can easily take the command hooks off if you did this organizing support action in error, or if the support action is planned to be temporary.
2) shelving at the top of closets is a secret weapon. the wood does not have to be the best quality, because it's out of all sightlines. You can get your kid to paint it, too
2a) shelving in general is easily removed, especially inside closets. if you have a short interior ladder and some putty, shelving in the top of a closet.
2b) Budget for nice shelving, nice wood, or nicely framed or painted, for anything that shows.
3) Shelving in general is excellent, but the demon stuff is constantly changing shape, which hits you in the budget, and you don't want cheap shelving to show. Cardboard is your friend.
Learn to make Temporary shelving to spec, out of cardboard boxes. it's the best temporary cabinetry you can hope to learn.
--invert the printed cardboard box, maintain the 8 corners and cut a "face" out of one of the sides to show the items below the new shelf. stick the shelf box on another shelf in the closet. stick them on top or inside of one another. try to let all items show, and let all items be removable without having to lift an item off another item.
--cardboard can also be used to make those temporary trays. make the 8 corners, but only give it 6 full faces.
--again get yr kid to paint it if you need to match something. my kids love painting cardboard with the cheap kid paints. most parents like looking at their kids' drawings, i dunno, it makes the trash look less trashy for us
I mean, the ultimate husband trick is getting gud at cabinetry. that feels like level 15, tho, in terms of skills and tools and budget. This is like level 7 on the way to 15, few tools, build skills, no budget.
Cardboard is what the demon stuff came in, and it's probably part of your problem. it already has at least half the folds and corners you need. If you are the family recycler, you've got to work it to flatten it anyway. you can shape the cardboard to maintain the structure of the demon stuff against gravity, and pack it without it becoming storage.
Again what is great is that it can be thrown out or reused at nearly any time, if you crossed a support line with yr partner. Making shelving out of cardboard is my new favorite thing to help the household. When the temporary shelving is very effective, I have upgraded it into shoe racks or actual shelving material.
posted by eustatic at 3:55 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]
I already made the "four pocket" mailbox that fits by the door, than can collect 6 months of mail and about half a year of the kid art portfolio.
This is mostly to remind myself for next christmas / kid birthday, when we asked for more memberships and less stuff, but the elders didn't remember, and emptied the Target clearance rack into our house again. Merica.
1) you can place white command hooks on the reverse side of a white closet door without triggering a lot, and those re-useable grocery bags got on them, to pick up stuff. plastic grocery bags fit inside the reusable ones. also many of our closets may have bags on the floor already. and the goal is to not let the bags stack on top of one another on the closet floor. this is best for that crafting closet as we head into carnival season.
1a) your partner can easily take the command hooks off if you did this organizing support action in error, or if the support action is planned to be temporary.
2) shelving at the top of closets is a secret weapon. the wood does not have to be the best quality, because it's out of all sightlines. You can get your kid to paint it, too
2a) shelving in general is easily removed, especially inside closets. if you have a short interior ladder and some putty, shelving in the top of a closet.
2b) Budget for nice shelving, nice wood, or nicely framed or painted, for anything that shows.
3) Shelving in general is excellent, but the demon stuff is constantly changing shape, which hits you in the budget, and you don't want cheap shelving to show. Cardboard is your friend.
Learn to make Temporary shelving to spec, out of cardboard boxes. it's the best temporary cabinetry you can hope to learn.
--invert the printed cardboard box, maintain the 8 corners and cut a "face" out of one of the sides to show the items below the new shelf. stick the shelf box on another shelf in the closet. stick them on top or inside of one another. try to let all items show, and let all items be removable without having to lift an item off another item.
--cardboard can also be used to make those temporary trays. make the 8 corners, but only give it 6 full faces.
--again get yr kid to paint it if you need to match something. my kids love painting cardboard with the cheap kid paints. most parents like looking at their kids' drawings, i dunno, it makes the trash look less trashy for us
I mean, the ultimate husband trick is getting gud at cabinetry. that feels like level 15, tho, in terms of skills and tools and budget. This is like level 7 on the way to 15, few tools, build skills, no budget.
Cardboard is what the demon stuff came in, and it's probably part of your problem. it already has at least half the folds and corners you need. If you are the family recycler, you've got to work it to flatten it anyway. you can shape the cardboard to maintain the structure of the demon stuff against gravity, and pack it without it becoming storage.
Again what is great is that it can be thrown out or reused at nearly any time, if you crossed a support line with yr partner. Making shelving out of cardboard is my new favorite thing to help the household. When the temporary shelving is very effective, I have upgraded it into shoe racks or actual shelving material.
posted by eustatic at 3:55 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]
You are not logged in, either login or create an account to post comments
I had an epiphany this summer and things in my home have got a lot better. Here are some key features:
1) Everything needs a designated place it belongs, and this place cannot be on top of something.
2) I have to be able to SEE EVERYTHING. Or at least almost everything.
Piles pile up when 1) I don't have a specific, designated permanent home for it or/and 2) I'm going to be coming back to it "soon" so want to keep it out where it'll be handy later. But now I have wrapped my head around open shelving, and can put things away where I can still see them. I don't care if the shelf looks untidy (others may care, I don't), that is my shelf for [specific category of thing] and it's doing a job. Yes, I still pile stuff up because that's my natural way, but because everything has a spot to go now it's a matter of only minutes to reclaim my surfaces. And when I want to find something later, I only have to glance at the shelf for that category and there it will be.
posted by phunniemee at 5:49 AM on December 30 [36 favorites]