need a little mental space

December 26, 2024 1:50 AM

I need to give my thoughts a little room. What can I do to make this happen ?

On Christmas day, my wife and I decided we had to break up. Our journey together hadn't been the easiest one but I thought we went above and beyond to build something unshakable.

She gradually distanced from me though, and it's the second time that I caught her - I wasn't looking for it, but I just found out using a tablet that's shared in the family - approaching other men online to live something different than what happens in our couple.

I felt sick for two days, unable to sleep even after taking sleeping pills, I wanted to keep the day as smooth as possible but couldn't keep it t me : I confronted her, told her that our relationship had to end ( it's not a question, she clearly has moved beyond me). In retrospect, she seems to think today that it's her who took the decision and seems at peace with that.

But I'm profoundly disappointed and really sad because my world revolved around this relationship. Of course I resent her behaviour, that lack of communication through the years, the fact that she tried to lie about the fact that she met men online.

My question is : what activities can I engage in in order to get a little mental room and relief when I feel that bad feelings, aggressive thoughts, bits and pieces of situations or dialogues, ideations, memories overwhelm me , at night or during the day ?

I mean, not activities in the long run, but something readily available when I need it to alleviate the suffering.

I listen to music, go for a walk, work but I need to have more things to do to put my mind off it in order to cool down.

Thanks

posted by nicolin to Human Relations (26 answers total)

Best answer: This is tough. Something that can help: journaling. Sometimes getting some of those thoughts out can help them go away.

That, followed by a funny movie.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:01 AM on December 26, 2024 [8 favorites]

Tetris is supposed to be good for this kind of thing. (I've found it helpful.)
posted by demi-octopus at 3:10 AM on December 26, 2024 [11 favorites]

Best answer: Yes I agree, journaling is a great go-to. In particular, writing long hand on paper is good for really intense emotional expression - the movement of the arm and seeing the shape of your handwriting change with your feelings. And also, for those thoughts that are maybe especially cruel, or nasty, you can write them out, and then shred them. It’s so much more satisfying to physically destroy your writing than to hold down the delete key or drag something to a trash icon.

If you have a hobby that involves lots of rhythmic repetitive focus, those are good for letting your subconscious do some background sorting. Stuff like crochet or knitting, some video games (Tetris as mentioned above, or rhythm games, or if you’re already a gamer try platformers like Celeste or Ori), modular origami, many household chores like cleaning and laundry (angry cleaning is a tried and tested form of feelings redirection), and exercise like cardio or weight lifting where you can watch your numbers go up but don’t need to focus on strategy or interpersonal interaction.
posted by Mizu at 3:20 AM on December 26, 2024 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Any mental or physical activity that requires constant brain input. Maybe that's something you can already do, or something you'd like to learn. So for example
- juggling
- playing piano
- singing in a group
- playing badminton
- playing computer games
- chatting with friends
- training a dog
- watching media in your second language
posted by quacks like a duck at 3:22 AM on December 26, 2024 [3 favorites]

I bought an Xbox.
posted by Admiral Viceroy at 4:29 AM on December 26, 2024 [1 favorite]

Go hang out with some friends for a little bit. For me, dance classes helped a lot -- for about an hour a week i was concentrating on learning choreography, which takes my entire brain. Archery/target shooting is a good one for a mental break as well.

Good luck, and my condolences.
posted by Sparky Buttons at 5:02 AM on December 26, 2024 [1 favorite]

In order to avoid PTSD after traumatic events, I've heard the same as above, Tetris or some engaging video game that's simple and repetitive can help.

Tetris used to prevent post-traumatic stress symptoms

I'm sorry you're going through this.
posted by tiny frying pan at 5:15 AM on December 26, 2024 [3 favorites]

Pharmaceuticals can really take the edge off. You can ask your doctor for a short course of anti-anxiety or anti-depressants to get you over the hump. Surprisingly, Tylenol also seems to work for emotional pain as well as physical pain.

If you're open to a more natural approach, a really strong ghost pipe tincture has been shown to help with emotional pain. It has to be strong enough so that the tincture is almost black, not the light purple I usually see being sold. Local herbalist groups are a better source than Amazon or Etsy.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Please be kind to yourself.
posted by ananci at 5:38 AM on December 26, 2024 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Something that might help you in a more general way is the model for self regulation according to compassion focused therapy.

According to that, we have three systems we use to regulate ourselves: threat, drive, and soothe.

Threat system is when you motivate yourself through fear "if I don't do x, y bad thing will happen".

Drive system is when you move towards reward, activities like participating in sport or exercise, playing games, arguing with people, learning something new, activities that require energy but give you that rewarding dopamine hit and can be good to burn off anger or distract yourself .

Soothe system is for getting out of your mind into your body in a calm and soothing way, cuddling a pet, being in nature, comfort reading, warm bath, watching a favourite movie or show. Deep, slow breathing, meditation, progressive muscle relaxation, all activities that relax and soothe you.

Soothe system can sometimes be difficult to engage in, even if you desperately need to. And drive system can be tempting to over indulge in for example doom scrolling and arguing online are drive system activities that are easy to get stuck in when you're too tired to do more "productive" things but your brain is too busy to relax into a soothe system activity.

People are very different from one another, so what you find energising and compelling (drive system) or relaxing (soothe system) might be different from my examples.

I just mention this concept because it helps a lot with self care if you can check your needs in a more fine-grained way, do you need to be absorbed and distracted in a way that requires energy, or soothed and at ease in a way that requires letting go of control?
posted by Zumbador at 6:02 AM on December 26, 2024 [15 favorites]

Best answer: It's cool if Tetris has worked for some folks here, but a recent meta study that was posted elsewhere on the site found no clear effect across the studies that have been done.

There is some evidence that walking and physical activity help us process stress and burnout, though. (There's a transcript if you scroll down, if you prefer transcripts to audio.)

Hang in there! It's an intense time of year anyway, so that's probably adding to an already awful situation.
posted by limeonaire at 7:30 AM on December 26, 2024 [1 favorite]

Not Tetris, but playing mobile games has helped me.
posted by tiny frying pan at 7:34 AM on December 26, 2024 [2 favorites]

oh nicolin, I’m so sorry. Play more of your beautiful, soulful guitar playing if you haven’t been.
posted by umbú at 7:45 AM on December 26, 2024

Best answer: I find intense exercise helps, even after it's over.
posted by wheatlets at 8:09 AM on December 26, 2024 [1 favorite]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I lean towards activities that are finicky and hold my attention with lots of little pieces:

Building a Lego kit
Building a miniature house / scenery
Building those wooden marble run kits
Making a spreadsheet to analyze spending / predict investments / predict spending, etc.
Typing up recipes
Making and editing stop motion videos
Canning food

Swimming is my go-to exercise. The focus on breath, form, counting lengths, planning the next set of lengths. Gets my mind nicely occupied and gets me into my body.
posted by Sauter Vaguely at 8:33 AM on December 26, 2024 [2 favorites]

Sudoku
posted by purplesludge at 9:11 AM on December 26, 2024

Best answer: I'm sorry you're going through this. When you go for a walk, it might help to give yourself a mental task. Count steps, find x number of things, something like that. Walking can be very helpful on its own, but sometimes I need to add an extra layer of effort when my brain is really stuck in something.
posted by EvaDestruction at 9:17 AM on December 26, 2024

Seconding swimming as a great restorative activity, the cool water, the water and light reflecting, lap swimming especially where you can just zone out, flip turn at the wall, kick and flail and still be cooled off, exhausted and stronger. Even scream into the water if you feel like it.
posted by effluvia at 9:29 AM on December 26, 2024 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I'm so sorry you're going through this. I find the guided meditations of Tara Brach to be excellent in hard moments--she is on Spodify and readily available through other free services.
posted by zem at 10:34 AM on December 26, 2024 [1 favorite]

Simple computer games - Tetris, Twenty, etc., help me. Really engaging books and music. The Murderbot series by Martha Wells, Lord of the Rings. Going for a walk and listening to music is a great combination.

Learn something- language, woodworking, tennis. Exercise also helps tire you out so your mind can rest.

It's grief, it takes time. I'm so sorry this is happening.
posted by theora55 at 10:50 AM on December 26, 2024

When I was processing infidelity, I took up trailrunning, and I was someone who had never been a runner before. It was thrilling and cathartic.
posted by mochapickle at 11:11 AM on December 26, 2024 [1 favorite]

Best answer: If you don't do this in the normal course of your days, or maybe not lately thanks to the season: go do something that forces you to use your long-distance vision.

I discovered this during the early lockdowns of the pandemic, where I'd go outside in my yard but aside from looking at the sky I couldn't really see further than the house across the street and maybe the trees on the next street. My world shrunk so small and I was kind of experiencing both claustrophobia AND agoraphobia at the same time. I'd go for a drive where I could get up in some elevation and get a good view, kind of re-calculate my perspective in the world. It helped tremendously. And then you can make yourself some screaming/crying playlists for your drive.

I do have a few games on my phone for either lightly disassociating or to have something to do so I can focus on an audiobook, and I call them "wordless" games because they don't make my brain do things that interfere with the book. Right now I've been on a Solitaire trip, but Bejeweled is my go-to.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:44 PM on December 26, 2024 [3 favorites]

Tough situation. One thing to keep in mind is that as much as this hurts right now, your future is already looking brighter because you will have moved on from someone who is clearly not worthy of you. Exercise in any form is a great stress relief. While I’m sure this will be mentioned, I would look into seeing a therapist. Not sure how much of a circle of friends you have but if you feel like you can openly talk to friends please do. Go out for coffee, lunch…this is when you find out who your real friends are. Listening to audiobooks or watching funny movies is helpful. No matter what it’s gonna be a long road ahead. I wish you all the best…you will get through it.
posted by ljs30 at 4:21 PM on December 26, 2024

Best answer: play. consequence free activity. when I was getting divorced, I learned to play pool. I had never been interested in it, and have no investment in any outcome. Just a way to get out of the house and engage with something.

to this day, I still play. and I still dgaf if I win or lose, or play well. a habitual indifference. I take some wild ass shots, and it's hilarious.

what's your 'pool'?
posted by j_curiouser at 4:46 PM on December 26, 2024

Response by poster: Thanks to all, your suggestions are really helpful, I've selected a few that I'm going to put to use right away, but I'll sure need lots of variety along the way. In the words of the poet "she left me (...) with nothing but time on my hands" Thanks again.
posted by nicolin at 6:06 AM on December 27, 2024 [1 favorite]

Sending warm vibrations and regards to you nicolin. Sorry for the length here, but, I am going to mention something a bit off the wall that isn't an answer but something to possibly tuck into your toolbox that could help in the journey. For part of a hobby I do, I downloaded a program for organizing and sorting a lot of different bits and pieces of information, and these individual bits can be recombined and organized and arranged in endless ways. In the most simplistic explanation possible, imagine, say, a wardrobe of clothing. You know you can always wear sweater A with Trousers B and Jacket C, maybe they are by the same designer, or the colors just match up well, or they are particularly suited to you ... whatever. It would be nice to make other combos that work equally well, but it's a project that seems daunting, you don't have that kind of time, you don't know where to begin, you have other things that take precedence, maybe you don't even know what aspect of each of those pieces make them so ideal ... etc. But you decide as a long term effort, you will put all your clothes into this database, and it might make it easier to visualize some outfits that are similar.

As you go along, you start picking up thoughts and ideas, and eventually you may end up at a place where you have categories, tags, notes, photos of you in certain combos, accessories that work with different pieces, maybe even where you wore them, what you did (like a little diary), books or magazines that a reflect a style you're beginning to understand is part of your style, colors and cuts that look best on you, fabrics that feel especially nice or attractive on you, interesting combos you've seen on others (maybe on TV or film, or celebrity shots), maybe you find that some of the stuff is vintage or retro inspired and you become interested in clothes from those periods and clothes that speak to those periods. Maybe you end up recording references from novels or older writings or illustrations about certain items or designers or brands or collaborations. You have categories/folders for all these separate groups and can add any item from any group to any other group with a click or two.

Or, maybe all you do is get the stuff you have and the new things you get in the database and stick solely to putting them together in some new ways that expand your options when you go to reach for something to wear. And that's enough, and that's fine.

But whatever you do, you don't have to sit down and try to accomplish a bunch of tasks to get to a solution. You just play around with the options and ideas and sorting and combining when it feels like a thing you feel like doing. You add your stuff when you feel in the mood. They can be literally items. Or ideas. Or memories. Or inspiration. Or anything at all in the world that captures your attention and is a fun or absorbing thing to concentrate on for an hour, or several hours or just few minutes at a time. When you see an array of things that are interesting to you (without having to dig them out of closets or boxes or manuscripts or the niches or corners of your brain where some ideas have been lingering), you begin to imagine things in new ways.

For you this could be your music, or anything at all. And not just one thing. You could have a "library" of all sorts of music related things that you could go and sort and shuffle and reimagine, etc. But another library might be methods and recipes for Victorian meals. Another might be Byzantine art. One could be dreams, or pen collection or a list of what's in the pantry, or genealogy. And you can pull from those larger libraries at will. Something from Byzantine art could end up in your Wardrobe library in some weirdly interesting way. Literally, anything at all.

The real actual program I use is called Eagle (this is a desktop app ... not sure if they have a mobile option). It's incredibly feature-rich and it saves things on your drive in a way that if you have a photo of that nice jacket you like, you can add that image to your Winter Casual folder, your SomeDesigner folder, your Blue & Green palette folder, your '70s Retro stuff folder, your 2024 Outfits folder, your Holiday outfits folder, your Thrifted folder ... you get the picture -- but the program only uses that One Photo for all of it, so you are not cramming up your computer with millions of files, and it's all quite handy and easy. And for me at least, I end up coming up with a whole lot of new and interesting ways to use all this data, and it takes my mind off of some unpleasant things that I'd rather not be dwelling on when I don't have to. The program itself may or may not be the best of its kind (I haven't used any other, and I like this one a lot), so I'm not saying it has to be that one app, but the idea and versatility of it. (This one was designed originally for artists, I believe, to organize their many many reference images and projects.) For me, it is incredibly relaxing and fun to play with this in relation to the hobby I do and led to me expanding much, much further into new ideas with it. I don't ever, ever force myself to approach it like a project that i must work on, but more as a cabinet of curiosities that I can have fun playing with and thinking about and making new fusions of ideas / items.

So, not a direct solution, but something that might very well prove be a pleasant diversion if it suits your inclinations ... and as they say, any pleasant diversion in a storm! (They might say "port." I say "pleasant diversion." Tomato Tomahto.)
posted by taz at 7:45 AM on December 27, 2024 [1 favorite]

Yard work/gardening can be physical (weeding/removing invasives) and blow off some of that built up steam. Turning over the soil, splitting wood can be a re-set activity. I was in my 20s with my divorce and had a weekly volleyball game that I looked forward to as both “play” and a therapeutic outlet to hit a volleyball as a form of release.
posted by childofTethys at 3:44 PM on December 27, 2024 [1 favorite]